Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

SUSAN, WE BROKE UP.

>> Susan: MM-HMM.

>> Jon: YOU GOT A NEW FEDERAL

AGENT.

>> Susan: JON, THIS IS CHRIS.

>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU.

THEN THAT GUY RESIGNED SO HE

COULD BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, AND SO

ON WITH THE NEXT LIKE FIVE

AGENTS.

>> ROB.

>> DARREN.

IT'S OFFICIALLY OVER BETWEEN ME

AND SUSAN.

DARREN RESIGNED TODAY.

THEY'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER.

>> Jon: MISS LLOYD.

HOW'S IT GOING?

>> OH, HEY, JON.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING BY

TODAY.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, THOUGHT I'D

SURPRISE DAVID WITH A LITTLE DAD

PICK-UP.

>> ACTUALLY, I NEEDED TO TALK TO

YOU, SO...

>> Jon: OH, WELL, MISS LLOYD, I

AM FLATTERED, BUT I DON'T REALLY

THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE FOR US TO

BANG BODS.

>> ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO TALK TO

YOU ABOUT DAVID.

>> Jon: OH.

>> DAVID'S NOT HERE.

HE'S BEEN SKIPPING A LOT OF

SCHOOL LATELY.

>> Jon: HAS HE BEEN HERE AT ALL

TODAY?

>> NO. HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

[ DOOR UNLOCKING ]

>> David: HI.

>> Jon: HOW'S IT GOING?

HOW WAS SCHOOL?

>> David: FINE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. CLASSES GOOD?

>> David: YEAH.

>> Jon: AWESOME, MAN.

YOU WANT TO DO, LIKE, A

FATHER/SON RAP SESSION -- TALK

ABOUT SCHOOL AND STUFF?

>> David: NO.

>> Jon: YOU SURE?

>> David: YEAH.

>> Jon: OH, MAN, THAT'S FUNNY,

'CAUSE YOUR TEACHER TOLD ME

YOU'RE SKIPPING SCHOOL.

>> David: OH, MY GOD. FINE.

I SKIPPED A FEW CLASSES TO GET

LUNCH WITH SOME FRIENDS.

CHILL. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

REALLY, RELAX.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

>> Jon: THAT'S ALL IT WAS?

>> David: WHAT A CRIME.

CALL THE PRINCIPAL.

>> Jon: OKAY, I-I GET IT.

>> David: SEND ME TO PRISON.

>> Jon: I GET IT! RELAX.

EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE A

COOL, INVOLVED DAD.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> SUSAN WILL BE RIGHT DOWN WITH

THE LAST OF YOUR THINGS.

>> I COULD HAVE GONE UPSTAIRS

AND GOT IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE HAS TO

BOTHER.

>> SHE DIDN'T REALLY WANT YOU TO

SEE OUR BEDROOM.

>> Jon: AWKWARD!

[ LAUGHS ]

EECH.

>> FEMALE AGENT, HUH?

>> YEAH. GAIL STEVENS.

YOU KNOW HER?

>> Susan: OKAY.

I THINK THIS IS JUST ABOUT THE

LAST OF IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Susan: THERE YOU GO.

>> GOOD.

>> Jon: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU COULD GET A GAY MARTIAN

ROBOT FOR A FEDERAL AGENT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

>> Susan: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> Jon: I'M TALKING ABOUT DARREN

MOVING IN AND YOU GETTING A

CHICK FEDERAL AGENT.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DUMP

HIM.

>> Susan: [ SCOFFS ]

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

>> Jon: SUSAN, THE ONLY ONE

AROUND HERE WHO'S JEALOUS IS

A-YOU, MY DEAR, OKAY?

IT'S A-YOU.

I'M BUDDIES WITH ONE OF YOUR

EX-BOYFRIENDS, AND IT COULD NOT

BE DRIVING YOU MORE A-CUCKOO

A-CRAZY.

>> Susan: WELL, OF COURSE YOU'RE

BUDDIES.

ALL OF MY DISCARDED PIECES OF

GARBAGE HAVE SOMETHING IN

COMMON.

>> WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT ME AND

JON BEING FRIENDS?

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THE NASTY

THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT HIM AREN'T

TRUE.

ANYWAY, MY POINT IS, OVERALL,

JON'S A GOOD GUY.

AND I'M A GOOD GUY...

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE TELLING

HIM.

>> Susan: THE ONLY THING I'M

TELLING DARREN IS TO COME

UPSTAIRS AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO

ME AS SOON AS YOU GUYS LEAVE.

>> AWKWARD!

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

GAIL, OUT OF THE PARK!

>> YOU KNOW I MEANT IT WHEN I

SAID THAT YOU WERE A GOOD GUY.

I MEAN, WE'RE BOTH GOOD GUYS,

RIGHT?

>> Jon: OF COURSE WE ARE.

SUSAN ALWAYS MAKES US FEEL

OTHERWISE.

>> I KNOW ALL THE OTHER AGENTS

WHO CAME BEFORE ME -- THEY'RE

ALL GOOD GUYS.

WHAT?

>> Jon: I BET THEY ALL FEEL THE

SAME WAY WE DO.

>> [ MUTTERING ]

>> CHRIS.

>> HEY, ROB.

>> LONG TIME.

>> YEAH.

DO I KNOW YOU?

>> YOU GOT A MINUTE?

>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

HAPPENED.

WE SEEMED SO IN LOVE.

IT DEVASTATED ME.

IT'S WHEN I QUIT THE BUREAU.

SHE TOLD ME WHAT AN ASSHOLE YOU

WERE.

THOUGHT I WAS A GOOD GUY.

>> Jon: YOU ARE A GOOD GUY,

CHRIS.

IT'S ALL SUSAN.

CHRIS, YOU EVER SEE

"THE FIRST WIVES CLUB"?

>> NO.

>> Jon: BARTENDER...

PUT THIS IN, PLEASE.

>> THAT'S WHY WE'LL ALWAYS BE

KNOWN AS THE FIRST WIVES CLUB.

>> Jon: WE'RE GETTING ALL OF

SUSAN'S EXES TOGETHER, FORMING

OUR OWN CLUB --

THE GOOD GUYS CLUB.

>> ARE YOU IN?

>> YEAH, I'M IN.

I GUESS I WON'T BE NEEDING THIS

ANYMORE.

>> HEY, JEFF.

>> * HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, MY GOOD

FRIEND *

>> Jon: THAT'S JUST SUSAN.

YOU WON'T EVER HAVE TO WEAR THAT

EVER AGAIN.

>> * ONE WOMAN JUST AIN'T GONNA

KEEP FIVE GOOD MEN DOWN,

OH, NO *

>> IT WAS REAL, BABY.

>> * NO

>> Jon: GOOD JOB.

>> * SOMETIMES GOOD GUYS FINISH

FIRST *

>> Jon: EVERYBODY FEAST YOUR

EYES ON THESE.

>> WHOA!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YEAH!

>> Jon: ROB, JEFF, CHRIS, AND

MATT.

>> OH, JON, THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

>> THIS IS MINT.

>> Jon: * OW, LOOK OUT

* GOOD GUYS CLUB

OKAY, OKAY, LET'S BRING IT BACK

DOWN.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS OF THE

DAY IS SUSAN'S NEW BOYFRIEND.

OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW WHO I'M

TALKING ABOUT -- DARREN KELLY.

>> GOOD GUY.

>> GOOD GUY. REAL GOOD GUY.

>> Jon: SOLID GUY.

I WAS JUST AT SUSAN'S RECENTLY,

AND I GOT TO WITNESS FIRSTHAND

HOW HE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY

BLINDED BY HER CHARMS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

LIKE WE ALL WERE.

>> HEY, HEY, COME ON.

IF SUSAN COULD SEE US NOW, SHE'D

SEE A ROOMFUL OF GOOD GUYS.

IF SHE KNEW ABOUT THE

GOOD GUYS CLUB, IT'D DRIVE HER

CRAZY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY DRIVES

SUSAN CRAZY?

DOO-WOP.

>> UGH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

>> REALLY?

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I BOUGHT HER TICKETS TO

SHA NA NA -- SHE TOLD ME TO WIPE

MY ASS WITH THEM.

I DIDN'T, OF COURSE.

>> Jon: GUYS, LET'S GET BACK TO

THE MEETING, PLEASE, OKAY?

MATT, NICE JOB ON THE DOUGHNUTS

AND O.J. THIS MORNING.

JEFF, YOU'RE NEXT.

LET'S HAVE BREAKFAST BURRITOS

AND POP TOMORROW.

THAT SOUND GOOD TO EVERYBODY?

>> All: YES.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, GOOD MEETING,

GUYS.

LET'S BRING IT IN.

LET'S GO.

"GOOD GUYS" ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> All: GOOD GUYS!

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD

DAY AT SCHOOL, OKAY?

STUDY HARD.

>> David: I WILL.

>> Jon: GET AN "A."

>> David: OKAY.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

LOVE YOU.

>> David: LOVE YOU, TOO.

>> Jon: OH [BLEEP]

OH, MY GOD, I THINK WE LOST HIM.

>> WHO'S THAT GIRL?

ALL RIGHT, DAVID.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, MAN.

I THOUGHT HE WAS, LIKE, MEETING

UP WITH SOME STONER KIDS OR

SOMETHING OR, LIKE, SOME

HIPPIES OR RELIGIOUS FREAKS.

MAN! WHEW!

THANK GOD.

>> JUST A YOUNG MAN DOING WHAT

COMES NATURAL.

>> Jon: WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE HE

DOESN'T GET HIS HEART BROKEN.

HIS CHERRY, ON THE OTHER HAND,

GOOD RIDDANCE.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HERE SHE COMES.

[BLEEP] THAT'S PAVEL.

>> Jon: MY GOD, SHE'S A

MIRMINSKY?

>> STAY LOW.

>> Jon: OH, DAVID.

THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

>> Susan: WELL, FOR THE RECORD,

I'M NOT DOING IT FOR YOU -- I'M

DOING IT FOR DAVID.

>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, LET'S JUST

STICK TO THE PLAN, ALL RIGHT?

SHOW THEM HOW AWFUL OUR MARRIAGE

WAS, SHOW THEM WHAT HELL A

RELATIONSHIP IS.

HOPEFULLY, THEY BREAK UP.

OKAY, TATIANA, WELCOME TO WHAT

WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SWEET

LOFT.

WE USED TO HAVE FAMILY DINNERS

LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME BEFORE

OUR MARRIAGE WENT RIGHT TO HELL.

>> Susan: YEAH.

BEING MARRIED TO JON WAS QUITE A

CHORE.

>> [ Russian accent ] I'M SORRY

TO HEAR.

>> David: GUYS, WHAT YOU'RE

TRYING TO DO IS REALLY

TRANSPARENT AND ANNOYING.

>> Susan: OH, NO, SWEETIE.

WHAT WAS ANNOYING WAS YOUR

FATHER CONSTANTLY WORKING, AND

THEN HE BECAME EMOTIONALLY

DETACHED.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT, SUSAN?

[BLEEP] YOU FOR NOT APPRECIATING

THE LIFE THAT I WORKED MY ASS

OFF TO GIVE YOU.

>> Susan: THE LIFE OF INCESSANT

BOREDOM?

THE PART WHERE THERE WAS

ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN THE

BEDROOM, LACK OF INTEREST

COMPLETELY --

>> Jon: OH, THERE WAS PLENTY OF

INTEREST IN THE BEDROOM -- ON MY

PART.

ON MY PART, OKAY?

>> Susan: RIGHT.

>> Jon: I'M NOT THE ONE WHO

WOULDN'T LET ME SPANK YOUR LADY

CHICKEN.

>> Susan: OH!

>> David: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> Susan: THANK YOU FOR BRINGING

THAT UP.

HOW DARE YOU?

>> Jon: HOW DARE I WHAT?

THESE KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO

HEAR ABOUT LADY CHICKENS.

>> Susan: JON, THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> Jon: IT'S ENOUGH?

>> Susan: IT'S ENOUGH.

>> Jon: REALLY?

LIKE IT WAS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO

BANG EVERY SINGLE GUY IN THE

SECRET SERVICE WHO CAME

YOUR WAY?

I'M SURE YOU LET THEM SPANK YOUR

LADY CHICKEN.

SUSAN.

THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, BY THE WAY,

IF YOU TWO STAY TOGETHER.

SUSAN!

>> WHAT IS A LADY'S CHICKEN?

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

THAT WENT GREAT.

WHO WANTS TO CLIMB

HIGH-FIVE MOUNTAIN?

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?

SUSAN.

SUSAN, COME HERE.

YOU KNOW I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR

LADY CHICKEN.

>> Susan: IT'S JUST REALLY HARD

WITH DAVID.

>> Jon: I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

>> Susan: UGH.

>> Jon: YOU OKAY?

>> OKAY, SEND HIM UP.

JON'S HERE.

>> Susan: OH, OKAY.

>> Jon: HELLO.

SORRY TO DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.

I JUST WANTED TO DROP OFF SOME

FLOWERS TO SAY THANK YOU FOR

HELPING OUT WITH DAVID LAST

NIGHT.

>> Susan: OH, SURE.

WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE IT WORKED.

>> LET ME GET A VASE.

>> Jon: APPRECIATE THAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: YOU WANT ME TO BE THE

ONE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO DARREN

THAT JONNY'S BACK?

>> Susan: MMM...

>> Jon: THAT WAS A PRETTY

POWERFUL SPEECH, HUH?

>> Susan: ACTUALLY, THE WHOLE

THING KIND OF SICKENED ME.

>> HERE WE GO.

LOOKS GOOD.

>> Jon: SUSAN AND I MADE OUT

LAST NIGHT.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

IT WAS THE FIRST THING SHE TOLD

ME WHEN I GOT HOME.

TALKING ABOUT IT SICKENED HER.

I CLEANED UP HER PUKE.

BUT WHAT I'M WONDERING IS, DID

YOU TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT

TO DO, MAN.

YOU DON'T OWN ME.

I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE, RACIST.

BET IF THIS GUY HAD A TIME

MACHINE, HE WOULDN'T GO BACK AND

KILL HITLER.

HE'D JUST GO BACK AND GET MORE

SLAVES.

YEAH, I'M RIGHT.

LOOK AT THAT.

YOU CAN TELL.

>> Susan: IT IS VERY CLEAR TO ME

THAT THIS SWEET, SWEET MAN IS

THE ONE.

AND THAT'S WHY LAST NIGHT, UM...

I PROPOSED TO HIM AFTER HE

CLEANED UP MY BARF.

>> AND I ACCEPTED.

>> Jon: ROB!

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KISSED

HER.

>> Jon: HEY, LOOK, I KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

OKAY?

IT WAS A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL ONE

OF US BEFORE SOMETHING LIKE THAT

HAPPENS.

>> HEY, HEY.

CUT THE GUY A BREAK, OKAY?

WE ALL KNOW HOW SEXUAL AND

ALLURING SUSAN CAN BE.

THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANY

ONE OF US.

I WISH IT'D HAPPENED TO ME.

>> ME TOO.

>> ME TOO.

>> Jon: ME TOO.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK...

OBVIOUSLY, SUSAN AGREED TO THE

DAVID DINNER SO SHE COULD TRAP

JON.

ARE WE JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND

POUT ABOUT IT, OR ARE WE GONNA

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

>> I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT

IT.

>> LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT!

>> LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

>> Jon: LET'S DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT!

>> READY? "LET'S DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT" ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> All: LET'S DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT!

>> * SHA DOO DOOBIE, DOOBIE

DOO WAH *

>> Susan: UGH.

>> * DOOBIE DOO WAH

* SHA DOO DOOBIE, DOOBIE

DOO WAH *

* WAH, WAH, WAH, WAAAAH

>> Jon: * OH, SUSAN

>> * SHA DOO DOOBIE, DOOBIE

DOO WAH *

* SHA DOO DOOBIE, DOOBIE

DOO WAH *

>> Susan: HEY, HEY!

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

>> All: YEAH!

WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, YEAH!

NOW, NOW, THAT IS WHAT I CALL

MISSION ACCOM...A-LOM-A-DONG,

A-DONG-A-DONG-A-DING-DONG

...COMPLISHED!

>> YEAH, THAT'S SO GOOD!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Jon: UH-OH.

IT'S SUSAN!

>> OH, MAN!

>> Jon: VOICEMAIL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

>> [ As Susan ] "HEY!

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!"

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> SHE LOOKED CRAZY, MAN.

>> Jon: WHOA, SUSAN CALL

NUMBER 2.

>> OH, NO!

>> Jon: TAKE IT EASY, MADONNA.

NO ONE'S DESPERATELY SEEKING

SUSAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ ALARM CLOCK BEEPING ]

[ BEEPING STOPS ]

OH, MAN.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

OH, MY GOD.

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: I'VE GOT A TON OF TEXTS

FROM SUSAN ASKING ME TO CALL

HER.

I GUESS SOMEONE'S STILL CUCKOO

FOR JONNY PUFFS.

SEE WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

>> Susan: JON, WHERE ARE YOU?

I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL

NIGHT.

JUST PLEASE CALL ME AS SOON AS

YOU GET THIS.

OUR DINNER BACKFIRED.

DAVID RAN AWAY.

JUST CALL ME, PLEASE.

>> Jon: I HAVE TO GO.

OH, MY GOD.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR

YOU.

BUT THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO

RIGHT NOW IS TO GO HOME AND LET

US DO OUR JOBS, OKAY?

JON, SUSAN, WE WILL GET DAVID

BACK.

YOU HAVE MY WORD ON IT.

WE HAVE THE BEST PEOPLE IN THE

WORLD WORKING ON THIS.

WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU

WEARING?

>> Jon: I CAN'T JUST SIT HERE

AND DO NOTHING!

I HAVE TO BE OUT THERE, TRYING

TO HELP.

ANYTHING COULD BE GOING ON WITH

HIM RIGHT NOW.

HE COULD BE DEAD.

>> YOU KNOW, JON, AFTER 9/11,

THE GOVERNMENT HIRED A BUNCH OF

HOLLYWOOD WRITERS TO COME UP

WITH SCENARIOS WITH WHICH

THE TERRORISTS WOULD ATTACK

THE UNITED STATES.

IT'S AN IDEA.

>> OKAY, SO WE GOT A COUPLE

YOUNG RUNAWAYS, RIGHT?

WHERE DO THEY GO TO?

ATLANTIC CITY.

AND THEY END UP WINNING A TON OF

MONEY GAMBLING AND LIVING OUT OF

A HOTEL, BUT THE GAMBLING

BECOMES AN ADDICTION, RIGHT?

>> MAYBE INSTEAD OF

ATLANTIC CITY, THEY GO TO THE

HAMPTONS.

CRIME FAMILY LIKE THAT

DEFINITELY HAS A PLACE THERE.

>> I THINK ATLANTIC CITY MAKES A

LOT MORE SENSE THAN THE

HAMPTONS.

I MEAN, IT JUST -- IT JUST...

>> IT'S SEXIER.

>> WELL, IT MAKES MORE SENSE

DRAMATICALLY.

>> MAYBE IF DAVID WAS BLACK.

>> BLACK IS GOOD.

HERE, I'M WRITING DOWN "BLACK."

>> BLACK IS VERY...

>> NO, I THINK YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT A FATHER WHO HASN'T BEEN

TALKING TO HIS SON.

>> YEAH, THE CLASSIC ABSENT

FATHER.

IF THAT'S NOT GONNA LEAD TO A

KID WANTING TO, YOU KNOW, HOP

TOWN...

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] THIS HOLLYWOOD

[BLEEP] OKAY?

AND [BLEEP] THE FBI!

JON, THIS IS A JOB FOR

THE GOOD GUYS.

>> Jon: THIS ISN'T A HOLLYWOOD

MOVIE!

THIS IS LIFE!

I DON'T NEED A BUNCH OF WRITERS

COMING UP WITH FAKE LINES.

[ Echoing ] I NEED SOMEONE TO

GET ME BACK MY SON!

>> EXCUSE ME.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?

>> EITHER OF THESE TWO LOOK

FAMILIAR TO YOU?

EITHER OF THEM, NOTHING AT ALL?

>> NO.

>> Jon: TAKE A LOOK AT THESE

PHOTOS AND TELL ME IF YOU'VE

SEEN EITHER OF THESE KIDS IN THE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

IF YOU'VE SEEN THEM -- PLEASE,

JUST LOOK ONE MORE TIME.

IT'S MY SON.

>> YEAH, WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

>> Jon: PLEASE JUST LOOK HARD.

>> DAVID'S HOME. COME ON.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> GO!

[ DOOR UNLOCKING ]

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, DAVID,

DAVID, DAVID.

COME HERE.

>> THANK YOU. OKAY.

NOTHING.

[ SQUEAKING ]

>> David: WHEN IT BECAME OBVIOUS

THAT OUR FAMILIES DIDN'T WANT US

TOGETHER, I DECIDED WE SHOULD

RUN AWAY.

>> WE STAYED UNDER A PIER AT

JONES BEACH.

>> David: WE WERE APPROACHED BY

A HOBO.

HE ATTACKED US.

>> DAVID WAS FOOLISH, DID NOT

THINK WE NEEDED PROTECTION.

>> David: FOR PROTECTION, I HAD

BROUGHT A KNIFE FROM MOM'S

KITCHEN.

>> THANKFULLY, I HAD SPIKED

BRASS KNUCKLES UNCLE SERGEI

GAVE ME.

>> David: WE MANAGED TO...

GET PAST HIM PRETTY QUICKLY.

>> DAVID WAS CRYING AND SCARED.

>> David: HE MANAGED TO GET

AHOLD OF TATIANA.

>> I POUND HIS FACE REPEATEDLY

WITH BRASS KNUCKLES.

>> David: AND I-I KILLED HIM.

>> AND I HEAR SCREAMING AND THEN

NOTHING.

>> David: BUT THAT NIGHT, WE

MADE LOVE FOR THE FIRST AND

FINAL TIME UNDER THE STARS.

>> DAVID WAS STILL CRYING AND

SCARED, SO...

I TAKE HIM BY HAND, AND WE WALK

TOGETHER.

>> I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU KILL YOUR FIRST HOBO.

>> Jon: I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU GOT LAID.

>> David: [ SNIFFLES ]

>> Jon: WHAT'S UP?

>> I DON'T SEE ANY REASON TO

MENTION THIS TO THE COPS OR THE

FBI.

IF THE GOOD GUYS KNOW ANYTHING,

IT'S HOW TO GET RID OF A CORPSE

DISCREETLY.

>> OH, MY GOD. JON, JON.

JON.

OH [BLEEP]

>> Jon: SHAMA-LAMA-DING-DONG.

IT'S CHRIS.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Jon: I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS

FOR...

HELPING ME FIND DAVID.

I ESPECIALLY WANT TO THANK CHRIS

FOR DRINKING BEHIND OUR BACK,

DRESSING UP AS A HOBO, AND

TRYING TO SCARE THE KIDS INTO

GOING HOME.

AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE

WAS DOING.

I HONESTLY HAVE NO [BLEEP] IDEA.

IN ANY CASE, WE ALL KNOW WHAT

CAME NEXT.

DAVID GOT LAID.

CHRIS DID THE JOB THAT HE ALWAYS

WANTED TO DO.

IT'S THE JOB THAT HE WAS BORN TO

DO.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BEING

A GOVERNMENT AGENT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT BEING A

GOOD GUY.

>> * OH, BEAUTIFUL

SHOO-BA-DE-DOOBIE SKIES *

>> * FOR AMBER

>> * SHOO-BA-DE-DOO

>> * WAVES OF GRAIN

* FOR PURPLE MOUNTAINS'

* SHOO-BA-DEE MAJESTY

* ABOVE THE SHOO-BA-DEE

DOO-BA-DEE PLAIN *

* AMERICA, SHOO-BA-DEE 'MERICA

* GOD SHED SHOO-BA-DEE GRACE ON

THEE *

* AND CROWN THY GOOD,

SHOO-BA-DEE BROTHERHOOD *

* FROM SEA TO SHOO-BA-DEE,

DOO-BA-DEE SEA *

>> TO CHRISSIE.

>> TO CHRIS.

>> TO CHRIS.

>> Jon: TO CHRIS.