Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED"...

WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT MY FAMILY

ON CAMERA TO RISK THEM BEING

MURDERED IF I WASN'T IN A SWEET

LOFT?

>> YOU SHOULD DO A REALITY SHOW

ABOUT ME.

I AM A COMEDIAN.

HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO

"YVGENY!"

AND NOW I GET READY FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AUDITION.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ GLASS CLINKS ]

>> Jon: "NIGHT MOVES,"

BOB SEGER.

>> MM.

>> Jon: PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

LISTEN, JON, THE REASON I CALLED

YOU IN HERE TODAY WAS TO TALK

ABOUT A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE

SHOW.

>> Jon: MM.

>> "DELOCATED!" WAS PITCHED AS

[CLICKS TONGUE] A RATINGS STUNT

FOR SWEEPS WEEK.

WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD GO

THIS FAR.

MAYBE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE

MOST, AND THEN WE THOUGHT YOU'D

BE MURDERED.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

>> I'M PSYCHED THAT YOU'RE STILL

ALIVE, BUT WE WERE NEVER

BUDGETED TO GO THIS LONG.

ANY-HOOZIES, I'M GONNA HAVE TO

REVOKE YOUR NETWORK CREDIT CARD.

>> Jon: UNBELIEVABLE!

>> AND I'M GONNA NEED THE KEYS

TO YOUR JAGUAR.

>> Jon: I DON'T HAVE A JAGUAR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> THEY DIDN'T GIVE YOU A

JAGUAR?

>> Jon: NO.

>> THAT'S [BLEEP]

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET A

JAGUAR.

>> WHAT IS THIS?

>> David: 2X+6.

>> Jon: [ Sighing ] OH, BOY.

[ SIGHS ] OH, BOY.

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHING ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

OH, GOD.

>> IS, UH...

IS EVERYTHING OKAY OVER THERE?

>> Jon: YEAH.

JUST SOAKING IT ALL IN -- EVERY

LAST DROP OF THIS PLACE.

>> OKAY, JON.

DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT'S

GOING ON?

>> Jon: THE NETWORK HAS MADE

SOME PRETTY SERIOUS BUDGET CUTS

TO ALL THEIR SHOWS, INCLUDING

MINE, AND, UH...STARTING IN A

MONTH, THEY WILL NOT BE PAYING

MY RENT ANYMORE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> David: WOW.

SO WHAT ABOUT ME AND MOM?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK MOM.

>> David: [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: IN ANY CASE, WE'RE GONNA

HAVE TO REALLY TIGHTEN OUR BELTS

AROUND HERE.

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS HAD A B&B

WHEN I WAS A KID, AND IF THEY

CAN MAKE IT WORK, THEN SO CAN

WE, RIGHT?

>> JON, I HAD NO IDEA YOUR

PARENTS HAD A B&B.

>> Jon: YEAH.

I WORKED THERE TILL I WAS 10.

WORKED MY ASS OFF.

>> OKAY, NOBODY'S SAYING YOU

DIDN'T SO...

LISTEN, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHY DON'T WE COME UP WITH WAYS

TO BUDGET?

>> Jon: THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

BOOM.

THAT IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

OKAY, GUYS.

I THINK WE ARE DOING A VERY GOOD

JOB WITH THIS BUDGET, BUT WE

NEED TO DO A FEW MORE THINGS.

ONE OF WHICH, ROB, NO MORE

NUMBER TWOS FOR YOU IN THE

APARTMENT.

>> EXCUSE ME?

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM?

>> Jon: NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION AT

ALL.

FIGURE IT OUT.

GO TO THE DELI OR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?

>> HOW ABOUT WE GET RID OF THE

CABLE?

WE, LIKE, HARDLY EVER WATCH TV.

>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

THAT'S WHERE I GET MY HOOPS AND

MY HOCKS.

>> David: WHAT'S "HOCKS"?

>> Jon: HOCKS -- HOCKEY.

I WISH I COULD SAVE MONEY ON

ABBREVIATIONS.

I'D SAVE A TUSH-LOAD OF CASH

WITH SOME WELL-PLACED "BREEVS."

THEY'RE GONNA STOP PAYING RENT

IN TWO WEEKS, AND I GUESS NOW WE

GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU AND

DAVID ARE GONNA DO.

>> Susan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Jon: I MEAN, I DON'T SEE HOW

YOU CAN POSSIBLY AFFORD THIS

PLACE.

>> Susan: I DON'T PAY RENT.

>> Jon: YOU DON'T PAY RENT HERE?

>> NO.

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Susan: WHAT DO YOU ME-- THE

NETWORK PAID FOR IT.

>> Jon: EXCUSE ME?

>> AND I GOT IT IN THE DIVORCE.

I ALSO GOT THE JAGUAR.

DIDN'T YOU GO OVER THIS WITH

YOUR LAWYER?

>> Jon: HOW -- HOW IS IT THAT

I'M THE ONLY "BUDGE VIC" IN THIS

WHOLE THING?

>> Susan: WHAT'S -- WHAT IS

"BUDGE VIC"?

>> Jon: BUDGE VIC -- A BUDGET

VICTIM.

>> Susan: OH, OH, OH.

>> Jon: NO ONE ELSE LIKES TO

PULL A GOOD BREEV AROUND HERE?

>> Susan: OH, HE DOES.

HE'S REALLY GOOD AT IT,

ACTUALLY.

>> I DO DO THAT SOMETIMES.

"KITCH" -- I'VE SAID "KITCH,"

ACTUALLY.

>> Susan: HE CALLED ME "SUZE."

>> YEAH, SUZE. I CALL HER SUZE.

SHE LIKES WHEN I BREEV.

>> 'SUP, BUDDY? HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME

ABOUT?

>> I DON'T WANT TO DO JUST MY

SHOW.

I WANT TO DO OTHER ACTING, OTHER

ROLES ON THE NETWORK.

>> OKAY.

>> WHEN I WAS KID, I DID LOTS OF

THEATER.

I PLAYED GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN

ROBBER IGOR PACHENKO.

I AM IGOR PACHENKO, THE GREAT

RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER!

BE CALM, OR I WILL MURDER YOU!

SEE?

I WANT TO BE TAKEN AS SERIOUS

ACTOR.

>> HELL YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE

TAKEN AS A SERIOUS ACTOR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I JUST PITCHED YOU TO BE THE NEW

LEAD IN "JEWISH GHOST."

YEAH.

YOU LOST. MM.

YEAH, SECOND CHOICE.

BUT YOU'RE IN THE GAME, DUDE,

HUH?

LOOK, I GOT TO ROLL.

I'M ON TWO OTHER CALLS, BUT GOOD

MEETING, ALL RIGHT, FELLAS?

HEY, PETE, YOU STILL THERE?

[BLEEP] YOU, DUDE.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> LET'S RESET.

>> Jon: IT'S HARD.

I MEAN, YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST

GET A JOB LIKE THAT?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I CAN'T --

>> I UNDERSTAND.

BUT LOOK, BUDDY.

I'M TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING I

CAN FOR YOU.

I MEAN, I GOT YOU THIS PART ON

"JEWISH GHOST," AND I WAS ABLE

TO HIRE DAVID AS MY ASSISTANT.

>> David: HEY, JON, THEY'RE

READY FOR YOU ON SET.

>> Jon: TRY "DAD," ALL RIGHT?

>> David: I'M JUST TRYING TO BE

PROFESSIONAL.

UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, PLEASE.

>> Jon: YOU CAN BE PROFESSIONAL

AND ALSO CALL ME DAD AT THE SAME

TIME, OKAY?

>> PICTURE'S UP.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, ROLL SOUND.

>> SOUND SPEED.

>> AND...ACTION.

[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ Echoing ] O-O-O-O-O-O-Y.

>> Jon: [ SCREAMS ]

>> O-O-O-O-O-O-Y!

>> JEWISH GHOST, NO!

>> AND CUT!

OH, THAT WAS --

THAT WAS AWESOME. NICE JOB.

>> THAT FEEL GOOD?

>> SO GOOD.

>> David: I AM IN AWE.

>> IT FELT REAL.

THAT ONE FELT REAL.

>> THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

>> THAT WAS GOOD.

>> THANKS, MAN. THANK YOU.

>> THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> [ WHISPERING ]

>> David: [ SCOFFS ] OKAY.

HEY, MAN. SO, REALLY GREAT.

REALLY GREAT JOB.

UM, I THINK WE GOT IT.

>> Jon: OH, REALLY?

OH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COOL,

TOTES.

BUT, UH, YOU DON'T -- Y-YOU

DON'T NEED ANY MORE TAKES?

>> David: YEAH, NO. WE'RE GOOD.

UM, ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, THERE'S

SOMETHING ELSE WE WERE TALKING

ABOUT MAYBE YOU COULD DO.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

DO SOME WILD LINES, RIGHT?

MAYBE ME AND THE WOLF MAN LAY IT

DOWN.

>> HEY, MAN!

DON'T CALL ME THAT.

>> David: UH, NO.

I WAS ACTUALLY MORE THINKING,

UM, YOU COULD, LIKE, MOP THE

FLOORS, LIKE, FOR REAL, AND, YOU

KNOW, THEY'LL PAY YOU, SO...

>> Jon: OH.

THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT

WAS GONNA BE.

I-I GOT TO THINK OF MORE WAYS TO

CUT BACK.

>> WELL, MY FRIEND OFFERED TO

LET ME TEACH AT HER YOGA RETREAT

THAT'S COMING UP.

I MEAN, I'LL BE GONE FOR A FEW

WEEKS, BUT IT'LL PROBABLY HELP.

>> Jon: THAT'S A LONG TIME, BUT,

I MEAN, IN THE END, IT'LL BE

WORTH IT.

WE CAN GO BACK TO THAT EXPENSIVE

BONE LUBE WE LIKE.

MAYBE I SHOULD CANCEL MY GYM

'SHIP.

>> YOUR WHAT?

>> Jon: GYM MEMBERSHIP.

GOD, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S NO FUN ABBREVIATING IF NO

ONE ELSE DOES IT.

>> GOT TO TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW

WHY ANYBODY WOULD PAY FOR A GYM

WHEN THERE'S A GREAT PLACE TO

WORK OUT FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE, 24

HOURS A DAY, WITH LOCATIONS ALL

OVER THE CITY.

>> Jon: WHERE'S THAT?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

RIGHT HERE.

>> Jon: RIGHT WHERE?

>> THE STREET.

CHECK THIS OUT. LOOK AT THIS.

EVERY CONSTRUCTION SITE PROVIDES

YOU WITH YOUR OWN FREE CHIN-UP

BAR.

[ GRUNTS ]

ABSOLUTELY FREE.

[ GRUNTS ]

LOOK AT THIS -- YOU GOT MILES OF

JOGGING TRACK.

WHY DON'T YOU GO RUN ACROSS THE

BROOKLYN BRIDGE?

YOU'LL GET A HELL OF A WORKOUT,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS...

YOU CAN WARM DOWN WITH A NICE

LITTLE STREET STRETCH.

[ GRUNTS ]

AND HERE'S THE KICKER -- THE

WHOLE THING COST ME ABSOLUTELY

NOTHING.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

STREET STRETCH!

I THINK YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING.

>> YOU KNOW, IF I WAS SECOND

CHOICE, THAT MEANS I'D GET PART

IF SCOTT WOLF GOT SICK.

OR WORSE.

>> NO.

>> PLEASE?!

>> NO.

IF YOU WANT SCOTT WOLF DEAD SO

BADLY, YOU KILL HIM YOURSELF.

BUT YOU CANNOT DO IT.

YOU ARE NOT KILLER, YVGENY.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BECOME

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON TO

DO IT -- LIKE ACTING.

DON'T THINK OF BULLETS AS REAL.

DON'T THINK OF BLOOD, DEATH --

NONE OF IT REAL.

PRETEND YOU ARE CHARACTER, LIKE

ON TV.

>> LIKE JAY LENO!

>> YES, RIGHT.

LIKE J-LO.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, WE'RE GONNA

HAVE MATCHING COSTUMES, AND

WE'RE GONNA MAKE A VIDEO AND

THEN SELL DVDs.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA BE CALLED

"STREET STRETCH."

>> OKAY, WAIT.

SO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A

TIME SLOT FOR AN INFOMERCIAL, IS

THAT IT?

>> PLEASE!

>> I DON'T KNOW.

DAVID, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> David: YEAH, LET ME CALL YOU

BACK.

UM, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT DOESN'T REALLY SOUND LIKE THE

TYPE OF PROGRAMMING WE'RE

FOCUSING ON RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: YOU DIDN'T WANT TO CALL

ME DAD 'CAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE

PROFESSIONAL, IS THAT RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: OKAY.

THIS IS ME BEING PROFESSIONAL.

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

OKAY, I DON'T NEED A KID TELLING

ME ABOUT PROGRAMMING, OKAY?!

OKAY, NOW THIS IS ME SWITCHING

TO BEING YOUR DAD.

I'M SORRY I JUST YELLED AT YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

NOW PLEASE SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE MONEY, OKAY?

OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, NOW I'M SWITCHING

BACK TO BEING PROFESSIONAL.

KEEP YOUR [BLEEP] MOUTH SHUT AND

BUTT OUT.

WE'RE GOOD?

>> WELL, I CAN GIVE YOU A

LATE-NIGHT TIME SLOT.

>> Jon: YES!

I MEAN, T-THAT WOULD BE

INCREDIBLE!

>> Both: ONE, TWO, THREE!

"STREET STRETCH"!

>> Jon: "STREET STRETCH" -- THE

ULTIMATE FREE GYM.

THE PERFECT PLACE TO STRETCH.

WORK YOUR ABS.

WORK YOUR QUADS, YOUR TRICEPS,

DELTS.

HIT THE WEIGHT ROOM.

TRY THE CLIMBING WALL.

USE ANY NUMBER OF OUR

STATIONARY BIKES AND WORK YOUR

BICEPS AT THE SAME TIME.

AND WHEN YOU'RE ALL DONE, HIT

THE STEAM ROOM.

>> Both: "STREET STRETCH"!

>> Jon: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT --

A NEW CONCEPT IN EXERCISE THAT'S

PRICED RIGHT TO BEAT THE

RECESSION BLUES IN TODAY'S TOUGH

ECONOMY OF HARD TIMES.

[ CLAPS ]

AND WITH THE STREET STRETCH

DVD, BARGAIN-PRICED AT JUST

$5.99, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU ALL

THE WAYS YOU CAN TURN ANY

NEIGHBORHOOD INTO YOUR OWN

PERSONAL GYM.

JUST GO TO streetstretchin.wow,

OR CHECK OUR THE

"STREET STRETCH" RV ON OUR

UPCOMING "STREET STRETCH" TOUR.

[ CLAPS ]

"STREET STRETCH"!

>> WELL, WE HAD OUR DOUBTS, BUT

WE'VE ACTUALLY RECEIVED A DECENT

AMOUNT OF CALLS ABOUT THE DVD.

>> Jon: AWESOME.

WHEN DO I START SEEING MY MONEY?

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

YOU MEAN MY MONEY.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT

"STREET STRETCH," MY IDEA.

I FIGURED YOU WERE JUST HELPING

ME GET IT DONE.

>> Jon: NO, WE NEVER HAD A

CONVERSATION ABOUT ANY OF THAT.

>> WELL, WE ALSO NEVER HAD A

CONVERSATION ABOUT YOU TELLING

ME WHERE I COULD GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> Jon: ROB, YOU AND I WERE

THERE TOGETHER WHEN YOU BROUGHT

UP "STREET STRETCH."

I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT, I LOVED

IT, I PITCHED IT, I FIGURED IT

WAS OUR IDEA WHEN I DID THAT.

>> I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY

"STREET STRETCH" IDEA, WHICH I

HAVE HAD FOR 12 YEARS.

>> Jon: YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING

AROUND THIS IDEA IN YOUR

TESTICLES, AND YOU STUCK IT IN

MY IDEA VAGINA, AND THEN I TOOK

IT, AND IT CAME OUT OF ME.

"STREET STRETCH"!

"STREET STRETCH"!

AND I GAVE BIRTH TO THE IDEA AND

MADE THIS HAPPEN.

>> YOU TOUCH THIS IDEA BABY,

AND I'M GONNA SUE THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF YOU.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

>> David: ALWAYS GET IT IN

WRITING.

>> HE'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: LOOK, I SPENT ALL MY

SAVINGS ON THIS.

I BOUGHT AN RV.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

I WAS THERE WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT

TO GO DOWN TO THE DELI.

>> Jon: ROB.

>> David: LOOK, JON.

I WAS GONNA SHOOT YOU AN E-MAIL

ABOUT THIS, BUT...YOU GOT TO

START PAYING YOUR RENT NEXT WEEK

OR YOU'RE GETTING KICKED OUT OF

YOUR APARTMENT.

DAD, YOU ALREADY HAVE A PLACE TO

STAY, AND IT'S ALL PAID FOR.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, DAVID.

AT LEAST THERE'S SOMEBODY AROUND

HERE THAT UNDERSTANDS THAT I'M

THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE LIVING

IN THE SWEET LOFT.

>> David: I-I MEANT THE RV.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> THAT'S GOING ON FACEBOOK.

>> Jon: [ SOBBING ]

[ HORNS HONKING ]

SO, THE BEDROOM IS BACK HERE.

THAT'S THE BATHROOM.

KITCHEN AND THE STOVE UNDER

HERE, AND, YOU KNOW [SIGHS]

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S MY PLACE.

>> HEY, JUST TRY TO STAY

POSITIVE, SWEETIE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN -- YOU CAN

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE LIVING IN

THE COUNTRY OR SOMETHING.

>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S...IT'S HARD.

>> THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU TOLD ME

ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.

THEY FOUND A WAY TO MAKE IT

WORK.

YOU CAN, TOO.

>> Jon: [ With accent ] SAY,

THERE, WELCOME TO THE B&B.

HOW ABOUT SOME CHERRY PIE,

THERE?

HAVE A SLICE.

>> SOUNDS A LITTLE IRISH, I

THINK.

>> Jon: [ Normal voice ] NO,

THAT'S MAINE.

>> MAINE?

>> Jon: [ With accent ] SOME

CHERRY -- TASTE YOU REAL NICE,

THERE.

SAY, THERE.

[ Normal voice ] ANYWAY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> HI.

>> HELLO.

>> Jon: HELLO, WELCOME.

YOU MUST BE THE STEINBERGS FROM

ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN.

>> Both: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE

STREET STRETCH B&B.

I'M YOUR HOST, JON.

THIS IS ROB WITH THE BAGS.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> YOUR WEBSITE DIDN'T MENTION

ANYTHING ABOUT THE B&B BEING IN

AN RV.

>> Jon: UH, YES.

THAT WAS INTENTIONAL BECAUSE, AS

WE ALL KNOW, PEOPLE THAT LIKE

B&Bs ARE ALL ABOUT THE

"VENCH" -- THE, UH -- THE

ADVENTURE.

>> LOOK, UM, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

WE'RE LEAVING.

AND I EXPECT TO GET OUR DEPOSIT

BACK.

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.

LISTEN.

JUST WAIT A SECOND, OKAY?

I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR FIRST NIGHT

FREE, OKAY?

JUST TRY IT BEFORE YOU MAKE UP

YOUR MIND.

>> IT REALLY IS VERY LOVELY,

HONEY.

>> WELL, I DO LIKE THE DETAILING

ON THE CURTAINS.

>> I THINK WE'LL TRY IT.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PAL?

>> SAM.

>> SAMMY. "TO SAMMY."

HEY, CAN YOU GUYS DO

JEWISH GHOST?

>> All: O-O-O-O-Y!

>> [ Laughing ] NICE!

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

HEY, MAN.

WHO SHOULD I MAKE IT OUT TO?

>> RUN.

>> YOU GOT IT, RON.

>> NO, NO. NOT RON.

RUN.

RUN.

>> [ PANTING ]

>> WE WERE JUST --

>> Jon: HEY! HEY, HEY!

>> HEY.

>> Jon: WHERE'S MY B&B?

>> IF YOU MEAN THE RV, IT'S BEEN

IMPOUNDED.

YOU'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY PARKED

HERE FOR A WEEK.

YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ALL THE

TICKETS ON THE FRONT?

>> W-WE WERE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

OF OUR SALMON SCRAMBLE WHEN

THERE WAS A POUNDING ON THE

DOOR.

WE HAD TO PACK AND LEAVE IN FIVE

MINUTES.

VERY DISAPPOINTING.

MARIAN, COME ON.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND I LOVED THE CROUTONS.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HERE YOU GO.

>> O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-Y.

[ HANDLE RATTLES ]

[ CLATTER ]

O-O-O-O-Y.

O-O-O-O-Y?

OY.

>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

>> OH, I'M NOT GOING TO KILL

YOU.

HE IS.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> I AM IGOR PACHENKO, THE GREAT

RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER!

STOP THIS TRAIN AT ONCE!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT.

DID MIGHTY JOE JON PUT YOU UP TO

THIS?

IS THIS A JOKE?

I NEVER JOKE ABOUT ROBBING

TRAINS.

>> FINISH HIM, IGOR PACHENKO!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

AND SCENE.

>> David: YEAH, LET ME CALL YOU

RIGHT BACK.

I'M ABOUT TO GO INTO MY 2:00.

[ SIGHS ]

JON. JON, WAKE UP.

DAD.

>> Jon: [ Slurring ] W-WHAT'S

THAT?

WE GOT CARAMELIZED ONIONS IN THE

FRIDGE.

>> David: WHOA, DAD.

I'M HOMELESS, DAVID.

YOUR DAD IS HOMELESS.

>> David: MY DAD IS WASTED.

>> Jon: WHAT, I CAN STILL DO A

"JEWISH GHOST" CAMEO.

O-O-O-O-O-O-Y VEY!

>> David: DAD, I GOT

SUNRISE ADVENTURE RVs TO LOOK

INTO YOUR RV B&B IDEA.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

HOW MUCH MONEY ARE THEY GONNA

PAY ME FOR -- THAT'S A PRETTY

BIG IDEA.

>> David: IT'S A VERY GENEROUS

OFFER.

YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY.

CONGRATULATIONS, DAD.

YOU MADE A PLAN, AND IT WORKED.

>> Jon: [ SOBBING ]

>> David: DAD, COME ON.

>> COME ON, JON.

>> David: DAD, IT'S OKAY.

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: [ Crying ] CAN I PLEASE

TAKE A SHOWER AT MY SWEET LOFT?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> KNOCK, KNOCK, BITCH!

DID YOU TELL YOUR DAD THAT

"DELOCATED!" GOT THE

"JEWISH GHOST" BUDGET?

>> David: NO, I MADE UP A STORY

ABOUT AN RV COMPANY BUYING HIM

OUT.

I WANTED HIM TO THINK THAT HE

CAME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO HIS

PROBLEMS -- YOU KNOW, MAKE THE

STAR OF THE SHOW HAPPY.

>> IMPRESSIVE.

MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL GIVE YOU A

RAISE.

>> David: OR MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL

TAKE YOUR JOB.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OR MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE

FIRED.

>> SOMEDAY AS IN TODAY?

>> YEP. RIGHT NOW.

BYE-BYE, BITCH!

>> I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD

OF MY BROTHER.

TODAY, HE HAS TRULY BECOME REAL

MIRMINSKY.

>> YOU MEAN REAL PACHENKO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DIDN'T KNOW HALLOWEEN CAME

EARLY THIS YEAR!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> MY NAME IS IGOR PACHENKO, THE

GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER!

STOP THIS TRAIN AT ONCE!

>> OKAY, JESSE JAMES!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

>> [ LAUGHING ]

AH! BRAVO!

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

THREE CHEERS FOR IGOR PACHENKO,

THE GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER!

HIP, HIP! HOORAY!

HIP, HIP! HOORAY!

HIP, HIP! HOORAY!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> AND SCENE.