Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

>> IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF MY

HAND.

>> Jon: SHE MADE ME THAT

TORTILLA BLANKET.

>> IT'S A STOOL BACKPACK.

>> Jon: WOW.

STARFISH NECKLACE.

>> ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO...

FOR YOUR VODKA.

>> YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

AND YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO

THE FAMILY.

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ ALL CHEERING ]

>> KIM'S KRAFTS!

>> All: KIM'S KRAFTS!

WHOO!

>> THANK YOU FOR LOANING ME THE

MONEY FOR THE STORE.

IT REALLY MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

>> Jon: OF COURSE, HONEY, IT WAS

MY PLEASURE.

CONSIDER IT...MY GIFT TO YOU.

[ BELL DINGS ]

>> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

THAT IS ISABELLE.

SHE'S THE HOT SUPERMODEL RIGHT

NOW.

I MEAN, I'M TOO NERVOUS.

>> Jon: HOW'S IT GOING?

>> HI.

>> Jon: FINDING EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> YEP.

>> Jon: NICE JEANS.

>> UH...I'M NOT WEARING JEANS.

>> Jon: I KNOW.

I'M TALKING ABOUT FOR WHEN YOU

ARE WEARING JEANS.

MY JEANS.

GONNA BE SELLING JEANS RIGHT

OVER HERE.

STARTING UP A NOOK PRETTY SOON.

YOU SHOULD COME BACK AND CHECK

IT OUT.

SEE, THEY'RE NOT EVEN SO MUCH

JEANS, THEY'RE JEANS.

WANT SOME JEANS?

>> UM, SORRY.

DON'T MIND HIM.

JON, THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF A

SPILL, I THINK, IN THE BACK, SO

MAYBE YOU COULD GO...THERE.

>> Jon: I WAS JUST TALKING TO

ISABELLE ABOUT MY JEANS AND THE

NOOK.

>> JUST A BIG, BIG MESS.

>> Jon: [ Spanish accent ] OKAY,

MISS KIM.

RIGHT AWAY.

OH.

>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> I'M KIM.

>> OH! THIS IS YOUR STORE?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> OH, GOOD TO MEET YOU.

I'M ISABELLE.

>> I KNOW.

>> HEY, I LOVE THESE HATS.

>> OH, YOU DO?

5% OF THE PROFITS GO TO A

GUATEMALAN FAMILY THAT THE STORE

SPONSORS.

THAT'S MIGUEL.

>> OH, HE'S ADORABLE.

>> Jon: HE'S MY BROTHER!

>> UM, ANYWAY, I'M ALSO

ESTABLISHING KIM'S TORTILLAS.

SORT OF LIKE TOMS SHOES BUT

WITH TORTILLAS.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> YOU DO?

>> I'LL TAKE A HAT.

>> AMAZING! OKAY!

UH, WELL, OKAY.

I'LL RING YOU UP.

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

YOU GUYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT

SHE BOUGHT ONE OF MY HATS.

I'M, LIKE, STILL IN SHOCK ABOUT

IT.

>> WHOA, WHOA.

JUST GOT A TWEET.

ISABELLE JUST TWITTERED ABOUT

HER NEW TORTILLA HAT, AND SHE

POSTED A PIC, AND SHE MENTIONED

THE STORE!

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT'S AWESOME!

>> IT'S AMAZING!

>> HI.

EXCUSE ME.

>> HI.

>> HI.

I WANTED TO SEE THAT TORTILLA

HAT THAT ISABELLE HAS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S RIGHT HERE!

>> * WELCOME

* WELCOME TO SUCCESS

* GET OUT YOUR ROLLS ROYCE

* PUT ON YOUR SATIN DRESS

[ CASH REGISTER BELL DINGS ]

* YEAH

* I LIKE MONEY,

AND MONEY LIKES ME *

* I GOT A MIDDLE NAME,

AND IT'S "LUXURY" *

>> MY WIFE KEEPS HOUNDING ME

ABOUT THESE NEW TORTILLA HATS,

SAYING, "GET ME A TORTILLA HAT!

I WANT A TORTILLA HAT."

I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHEN ARE THEY

GONNA MAKE A TORTILLA MUZZLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BELL DINGS ]

>> JON, CAN YOU PLEASE NOT BE

EATING EVERY TIME YOU COME IN

HERE?

OR AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL YOUR

LUNCH BREAK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

DOES.

>> Jon: [ Normal ] SORRY.

DON'T OPEN YOUR STORE DOWN THE

STREET FROM A CHEESIE TOPPERS

PIZZA NEXT TIME, OKAY?

BEST NEW YORK SLICE.

>> THE OWNERS OF THAT STORE ARE

PRO-LIFE.

>> Jon: MM.

>> SO YOU BUYING A SLICE IS

ACTUALLY SUPPORTING PEOPLE WHO

MURDER ABORTION DOCTORS.

>> Jon: WELL, ANY FEMINAZIS GET

A TASTE OF THIS SAUCE, THEY

MIGHT NOT CARE SO MUCH.

MIGHT TASTE THEM STRAIGHT.

>> WHY DO FEMINAZIS HAVE TO BE

GAY?

>> Jon: PRETTY MUCH A GIVEN.

I HAD DANIELLE SET UP A MEETING.

I WANTED TO RUN SOME EXCITING

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES BY YOU.

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

CHANGING THE NAME OF THE STORE

TO KIM'S KRAFTS AS SEEN IN

"DELOCATED!" YOU KNOW, SINCE ALL

OF THIS IS BASICALLY HAPPENING

BECAUSE OF MY SHOW.

>> YEAH, I'M NOT CHANGING THE

NAME OF THE STORE, BUT THANK

YOU.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

WHATEVER. THAT'S FINE.

UM...

[ SNIFFLES ]

I JUST FIGURED THE GUY THAT

LOANED YOU THE MONEY FOR THE

STORE WOULD HAVE MAYBE A LITTLE

MORE SAY IN HOW THINGS ARE RUN.

BUT IT'S COOL.

>> JON, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU INSISTED THAT YOU WEREN'T

GONNA MAKE THINGS WEIRD BETWEEN

US BECAUSE OF THE LOAN.

SO I JUST FIND THIS REALLY

UNFAIR.

>> Jon: I'M NOT MAKING ANYTHING

WEIRD.

I'M BEING PROFESSIONAL, OKAY?

I SET UP A MEETING, OKAY?

THE ONLY THING WEIRD HERE IS,

LIKE, THIS STUFF AND ALL THIS --

THIS THING.

LIKE, THIS?

THIS IS WEIRD, THIS HAT.

[ SINGING IN RUSSIAN ]

[ CONVERSING IN RUSSIAN ]

>> IS CHEESIE TOPPERS PIZZA,

PAPA.

>> GUATEMALAN FAMILIES.

I DON'T CARE IF IT HELPS RUSSIAN

FAMILIES!

YOU SHOP AT THIS STORE!

DISRESPECT TO PAPA!

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> Jon: SO, I MEAN, I JUST FEEL

LIKE THIS PARTICULAR PATTERN --

IT'S A NICE TWO-TONE DENIM.

IT WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR A BOOT

CUT, DO A CARGO POCKET ON IT,

TWO ON ONE SIDE, ONE ON THE

OTHER, MAYBE A RED DENIM FOR THE

CAR--

KIM, FROM KIM'S KRAFTS!

JON FROM "DELOCATED!"

HOW ARE YOU?

GREAT TO MEET YOU.

[ SMOOCHES ]

PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

I WON'T TAKE UP ANOTHER SECOND

OF YOUR VALUABLE TIME.

[ LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

STARTING A LINE OF JEANS.

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: STARTING A LINE OF

JEANS!

JEANS!

SWATCHES!

>> WHAT ARE THESE?

>> Jon: IT'S JEANS!

AND THE JEANS --

TURN IT OFF.

TURN IT OFF.

OFF.

OFF.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> Jon: STARTING A LINE OF

JEANS.

>> OH.

>> IT'S CALLED JJ JEANS.

MIGHTY JOE JON, SHOULD I HIT HER

WITH THE JINGLE?

>> HIT HER WITH THE JINGLE, JON.

>> Jon: * JJ JEANS

* YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> GREAT.

WHAT DOES "JJ" STAND FOR?

>> Jon: JON'S JEANS.

WOULDN'T THAT MAKE IT

"JON'S JEANS JEANS"?

>> Jon: NO.

I MEAN, YES.

IT'S JON'S --

IT'S JJ JEANS, BUT IT JUST

STANDS FOR JON'S JEANS.

>> RIGHT, BUT IF "JJ," LIKE

YOU'RE SAYING, IT STANDS FOR

"JON'S JEANS" AND THEN IS CALLED

JJ JEANS, THAT DOES MAKE IT

"JON'S JEANS JEANS."

>> IT'S THE SAME THING I

THOUGHT, TOO.

>> Jon: REGARDLESS, PICTURE ALL

OF THIS, OKAY?

AT JON'S NOOK.

ONLY AT KIM'S KRAFTS.

>> VERY CLEVER.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> SO...I THOUGHT THAT WAS A

VERY WELL-THOUGHT-OUT

PRESENTATION, BUT I THINK I'M

GONNA PASS.

>> Jon: OH.

UH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE NOOK?

* WHAT ABOUT THE JINGLES?

>> SO I HOPE IT'S NOT AWKWARD

BETWEEN US SINCE I PASSED ON

YOUR JEANS.

>> Jon: NO WAY.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU ACTUALLY DID ME A HUMONGOUS

FAVOR BY PASSING, SO I OWE YOU A

THANK YOU.

>> WOW.

>> Jon: YEAH, MADE ME REALIZE I

SHOULD FOCUS ON MY JINGLES.

CHECK IT OUT.

JJ JINGLES.

* IF YOU NEED A JINGLE,

GIVE JJ A RINGLE *

* JJ JINGLES

FRRT!

>> OH, MY GOD.

I JUST GOT 50 MORE ORDERS FOR

HATS.

CHECK IT OUT!

MORE HAT ORDERS!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> KIM, SEVERAL PEOPLE WEARING

YOUR TORTILLA HATS WERE MURDERED

IN THE CITY LAST WEEK.

YOU BETTER LOOK AT THESE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> "AS LONG AS BUSINESS REMAIN

OPEN, DEATH COME TO THOSE WHO

WEAR HAT.

LOVE AND KISSES, THE

MIRMINSKIS."

>> NOW, KIM, WE CAN'T FORCE YOU

TO CLOSE DOWN YOUR STORE, BUT

IT'S BECOME OBVIOUS TO US THAT

ANYBODY WITH A CONNECTION TO

YOUR PRODUCTS IS MARKED FOR

DEATH.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD REVISIT THE IDEA

OF MY JEANS NOOK.

YOU KNOW, CLOSE THE STORE.

WE'LL PUT A MINI DOOR NEXT TO

THE NOOK.

KIM, I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW?

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY

FAULT.

IT'S LIKE SIX DEGREES OF

JON-PERATION UP IN THIS BIOTCH.

JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP.

>> IT'S FINE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE STORE AT

ALL IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, SO...

YOU BELIEVED IN ME FROM THE

START, AND THAT'S ALL THAT

MATTERS.

>> Jon: KIM...

THE MIRMINSKY'S, THEY DESTROYED

YOUR DREAM, OKAY?

AND WORSE, THEY PREVENTED YOU

FROM BEING ABLE TO PAY BACK YOUR

LOAN.

YOU KNOW, TO ME.

LOOK, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF IT'S

THE LAST THING I DO, I'M GONNA

MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID

TO YOU, OKAY?

[ SIGHS ]

AND I KNOW JUST HOW I'M GONNA DO

IT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

I'M TRYING OUT SOME NEW JOKES

FOR THE BIG

CHEESIE TOPPERS PIZZA COMEDY

CONTEST.

IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I'D RATHER

IT WAS THE BIG VODKA TOPPERS

COMEDY COMPETITION!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: TERRIBLE!

NOT FUNNY.

>> UH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Jon: UH, WHAT'S GOING ON IS

THAT YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S WHAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY.

SOMEBODY GET THIS GUY...A VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: AH HA HA HA HA!

WOW.

HERE'S MY IMPRESSION OF YOU --

"BLAH BLAH BLAH, VODKA.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, VODKA," ALL

OF IT NOT FUNNY.

>> ALL RIGHTY.

[ HANDS CLAPPING ]

LET'S HEAR IT FOR

YVGENY MIRMINSKY, EVERYONE,

YVGENY MIRMINSKY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT WAS HIS TIME, ANYWAY.

HEY, MAN, THAT WAS REALLY

HILARIOUS.

YOU SHOULD CONSIDERING ENTERING

THIS CONTEST -- LIKE, $20,000,

MAN?

GET A LOT OF BAGS FOR THAT.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, I DESTROYED

HIM -- DESTROYED.

AND I'M GONNA DESTROY HIM AGAIN

AT THAT CONTEST.

BABY, MAYBE YOU NEED TO TAKE A

BREAK FROM THAT PIZZA, HUH?

DON'T FORGET -- THEY'RE

PRO-LIFE.

>> I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE.

>> Jon: SWEETIE, COME ON.

YOU -- YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF

BED, OKAY?

JUST --

BABY, COME ON.

IF I WIN THEIR PRIZE MONEY, I

CAN TAKE IT, AND I CAN DO GOOD

WITH IT.

THINK OF ALL THE GOOD I CAN DO

WITH THAT MONEY.

I CAN HELP SOME GUATS.

* DO A LOT OF GOOD FOR SOME

GUATS *

* HELPIN' THEM OUT

* ANYWAY I CAN

SWEETIE, THE MIRMINSKYS -- THEY

ABORTED YOUR DREAM.

I'M GONNA PERFORM A LATE-TERM

ABORTION ON YVGENY'S COMEDY

CAREER.

OKAY?

>> NOBODY GETS ME EXCEPT YOU,

VODKA.

NOBODY THINKS I'M FUNNY.

[ High-pitched voice ] "I THINK

YOU'RE FUNNY, YVGENY."

[ Normal voice ] I NEED

SOMETHING FRESH.

I NEED FRESH VODKA ROUTINE.

[ GAGS, VOMITS ]

[ High-pitched voice ] "I'M YOUR

ONLY FRIEND!

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> ALL RIGHT, HOW YOU GUYS DOING

TONIGHT?

ARE YOU GUYS READY TO MEET

NEW YORK'S FRESHEST NEW

COMEDIAN?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'D LIKE YOU TO SAY HELLO TO OUR

JUDGE RIGHT IN THE BACK.

HE'S FROM CHEESIE TOPPERS, VOTED

FRESHEST SLICE BY

"RELIGIOUS CHRISTIAN" MAGAZINE

FIVE YEARS RUNNING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HE'S A

NEW YORK INSTITUTION.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR

MR. LOU TOPPOLINI!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT!

ARE YOU GUYS READY TO GET THIS

SHOW ROLLING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> "YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE,

ARE YOU?

WELL, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T

GO ANYWHERE NEAR...THE LESBIAN

BOOKSTORE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WHY DO THEY CALL IT "FRIENDLY

FIRE"?

IF YOU SHOOT ME, GUESS WHAT.

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH, FRIEND.

>> Jon: IT'S OKAY, ROB.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

YOU WANT ANOTHER PIECE OF THIS?

IS THAT IT?

LET'S DO IT.

>> I WAS HOPING THAT TONIGHT

PLEASE MAYBE YOU DO NOT DO SO

WELL?

>> Jon: YOU SERIOUS?

YOU'RE SUGGESTING I THROW THE

CONTEST?

'CAUSE IF YOU ARE, I WOULD SAY

YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH OF

THIS.

>> GUYS, YOU GUYS READY FOR YOUR

NEXT COMEDIAN?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO THE STAGE THE

UNKNOWN HECKLER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I, UH -- I

KNOW THIS IS A COMEDY CONTEST

AND THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO TRY TO

MAKE EVERYONE LAUGH AND TELL

JOKES AND TRY TO WIN THE MONEY.

BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS IN LIFE

THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN

STANDING ON A STAGE AND TRYING

TO GET A COUPLE YUCKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, NO, I'M -- I'M SERIOUS.

I MAY BE THE UNKNOWN HECKLER,

BUT, UH...

I'M ALSO A PERSON.

MY NAME IS JON.

AND I HAVE A STORY THAT NEEDS TO

BE KNOWN.

MY SISTER COMES TO MY APARTMENT

THE OTHER DAY, AND I CAN TELL

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

YOU KNOW, I'M ALL LIKE, "SIS,

WHAT'S UP?"

TURNS OUT SHE'S PREGNANT, BUT

SHE DOESN'T LOVE THE FATHER.

SHE'S UPSET, TELLS ME SHE'S

THINKING ABOUT HAVING AN

ABORTION, AND I'M ALL LIKE,

"SLOW DOWN, SIS.

PUT ON THE CONVERSATIONS BRAKES

HERE.

I MEAN, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT AN

ACTUAL LIFE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE."

I GO TO THE KITCHEN TO GET HER

SOME WATER, GRAB A BAG OF CHIPS.

I'M TRYING TO OPEN THE CHIPS,

AND, I MEAN, HAS ANYBODY TRIED

TO OPEN A BAG OF THESE THINGS

LATELY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, YOU GOT TO BE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TO OPEN A

BAG OF THESE THINGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMEBODY CALL THE CRUNCHINATOR.

[ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ]

I'LL BE BACK...

WITH CHIPS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] SOMEONE WAS

TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THE OTHER

DAY THAT LIFE DOES NOT BEGIN AT

CONCEPTION.

AND I WAS ALL LIKE, "WHATEVER --

ALL I KNOW IS THAT TASTE BEGINS

AT THE CRUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ]

HEY, PREDATOR, PASS THE CHIPS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] SOMEBODY WAS

SAYING THAT THEY DON'T THINK

IT'S ABOUT THE BABY.

THEY THINK IT'S ABOUT A MOTHER'S

CHOICE.

AND I WAS LIKE --

[ IMITATES CRUNCHING ]

"SEE -- I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER

THE CRUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, I THANK GOD I LIVE IN

AMERICA, THAT I HAVE THE FREEDOM

TO COME UP HERE ONSTAGE AND

VOICE MY OPINION.

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: IN OTHER WORDS, WHAT A

"CRUNCH-RY"!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> EVERYBODY, JON!

ALL RIGHT!

YOU GUYS READY FOR THE LAST

COMEDIAN?

OKAY.

UM -- OH, ACTUALLY, I GUESS

WE'RE NOT GONNA BE SEEING

ANYBODY ELSE.

UH --

>> THE WINNER IS JON.

WHERE'S JON?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GIVE IT UP FOR JON!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

CONGRATS, JOHN, ON A GREAT JOB

IN BECOMING NEW YORK'S FRESHEST

NEW COMEDIAN.

FOLKS, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE

THAT GOOD HUMOR COMES FROM GOOD

VALUES.

WHAT A TERRIFIC CONTEST WE HAD

TONIGHT.

AND WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: THANKS SO MUCH, LOU.

THANK YOU, AND I COULDN'T AGREE

MORE ABOUT COMEDY AND VALUES.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'VE

DECIDED TO DONATE ALL OF MY

MONEY TO A GOOD CAUSE.

I'M GIVING THE ENTIRE $20,000 TO

A GROUP OF GUATALIAS.

>> ALL RIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> [ CRYING ]

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

OKAY, ROB IS OPENING THE DOOR.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HERE WE GO.

YOU'RE CLEARING THE DOOR.

OKAY, STOP RIGHT HERE.

OKAY. READY?

>> YEP.

>> Jon: READY?

OPEN YOUR EYES.

>> WHAT IS THIS?

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

[ HAND SLAMS ]

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> Jon: CHECK IT OUT. COME HERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

>> UH...

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

WATCH THIS -- BOOM.

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW COOL ARE THESE?

>> SEE?

THEY PUT THE VOICE CHIP IN THE

T-SHIRT.

>> Jon: LOOK AT THIS.

BOOM BA-DA BA-BA-BA BOOM!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> "CRUNCH MERCH."

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

BABY, WHEN WE SELL ALL THIS

MERCH, THE GUTALIAS ARE GONNA

HAVE A MANSION, AND WE ARE STILL

GONNA HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO

DIP OUR OWN WICKS.

BOOM.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD HAVE JUST,

UM, DONATED THE MONEY.

>> Jon: I'M GONNA MAKE WAY MORE

MONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU -- DONATE THE --

[ COMPUTER BEEPS ]

OH.

>> HEY, YOU GOT TWO.

>> Jon: LOOK AT THAT.

UH, HOUSTON, WE HAVE OUR FIRST

MERCH.

>> HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON IT?

>> Jon: I SPENT ALL MY WINNINGS,

THE WHOLE 20-GRAND PRIZE MONEY

ALL ON MERCH.

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> THANKS.

>> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ONLY SOLD TWO

SHIRTS.

>> I KNOW, HONEY.

I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED, BUT

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT LIKE

YOU'RE DONATING YOUR WINNINGS TO

CHARITY, RIGHT?

AND THAT'S ACTUALLY A VERY NOBLE

GESTURE.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I GUESS --

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT

IT, IT'S -- IT'S KIND OF LIKE

WHERE YOU FAILED, I SUCCEEDED.

YOU KNOW?

REALLY, YOU KNOW, THE MORE I

THINK ABOUT IT, I JUST FEEL

LIKE...

* I'LL SOME GOOD FOR GUATALIAS

MAN, I WISH GUATALIAS COULD EAT

JINGLES.

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

YVGENY.

>> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> YVGENY.

>> Jon: WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT

A -- WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

YVGENY...

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: WHAT A --

WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"!

[ SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * OHH

>> * 'CAUSE I'M DOING SOME GOOD

FOR SOME GUATALIAS *

* I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR

GUATALIAS *

* I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR

GUATALIAS *

* I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR SOME

GUATALIAS *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH