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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:03,570 >> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:04,911 HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY 3 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:06,105 FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION 4 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:06,707 PROGRAM... 5 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:07,737 >> Susan: MOVE THEM TO 6 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,541 NEW YORK CITY... 7 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,882 >> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR 8 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:10,707 OWN REALITY SHOW? 9 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,051 >> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO 10 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,106 >> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON 11 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:13,914 "DELOCATED!"... 12 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:14,984 >> IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF MY 13 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:15,482 HAND. 14 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:16,583 >> Jon: SHE MADE ME THAT 15 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:17,394 TORTILLA BLANKET. 16 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,145 >> IT'S A STOOL BACKPACK. 17 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,153 >> Jon: WOW. 18 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,564 STARFISH NECKLACE. 19 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,485 >> ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO... 20 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,131 FOR YOUR VODKA. 21 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,656 >> YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. 22 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:27,900 AND YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO 23 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,455 THE FAMILY. 24 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,974 [ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ] 25 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,323 [ ALL CHEERING ] 26 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:51,618 >> KIM'S KRAFTS! 27 00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:53,189 >> All: KIM'S KRAFTS! 28 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,957 WHOO! 29 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,655 >> THANK YOU FOR LOANING ME THE 30 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,827 MONEY FOR THE STORE. 31 00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:00,125 IT REALLY MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. 32 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:01,458 >> Jon: OF COURSE, HONEY, IT WAS 33 00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,002 MY PLEASURE. 34 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:06,466 CONSIDER IT...MY GIFT TO YOU. 35 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,537 [ BELL DINGS ] 36 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:08,995 >> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD! 37 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,342 THAT IS ISABELLE. 38 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:11,838 SHE'S THE HOT SUPERMODEL RIGHT 39 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:12,339 NOW. 40 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:15,480 I MEAN, I'M TOO NERVOUS. 41 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:17,806 >> Jon: HOW'S IT GOING? 42 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:18,951 >> HI. 43 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,706 >> Jon: FINDING EVERYTHING OKAY? 44 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,454 >> YEP. 45 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,950 >> Jon: NICE JEANS. 46 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,722 >> UH...I'M NOT WEARING JEANS. 47 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,721 >> Jon: I KNOW. 48 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:29,962 I'M TALKING ABOUT FOR WHEN YOU 49 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,627 ARE WEARING JEANS. 50 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:32,185 MY JEANS. 51 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,563 GONNA BE SELLING JEANS RIGHT 52 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,201 OVER HERE. 53 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,695 STARTING UP A NOOK PRETTY SOON. 54 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:36,796 YOU SHOULD COME BACK AND CHECK 55 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:37,367 IT OUT. 56 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,465 SEE, THEY'RE NOT EVEN SO MUCH 57 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,126 JEANS, THEY'RE JEANS. 58 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,404 WANT SOME JEANS? 59 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:42,372 >> UM, SORRY. 60 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,470 DON'T MIND HIM. 61 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:45,041 JON, THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF A 62 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,708 SPILL, I THINK, IN THE BACK, SO 63 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,977 MAYBE YOU COULD GO...THERE. 64 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,507 >> Jon: I WAS JUST TALKING TO 65 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,082 ISABELLE ABOUT MY JEANS AND THE 66 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:53,550 NOOK. 67 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:56,177 >> JUST A BIG, BIG MESS. 68 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,354 >> Jon: [ Spanish accent ] OKAY, 69 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,091 MISS KIM. 70 00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,585 RIGHT AWAY. 71 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,017 OH. 72 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,862 >> SORRY ABOUT THAT. 73 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,227 >> IT'S OKAY. 74 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,386 >> I'M KIM. 75 00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:07,834 >> OH! THIS IS YOUR STORE? 76 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:08,698 >> YEAH, YEAH. 77 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:09,856 >> OH, GOOD TO MEET YOU. 78 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:10,863 I'M ISABELLE. 79 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:11,874 >> I KNOW. 80 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,265 >> HEY, I LOVE THESE HATS. 81 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,197 >> OH, YOU DO? 82 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,672 5% OF THE PROFITS GO TO A 83 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,509 GUATEMALAN FAMILY THAT THE STORE 84 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,165 SPONSORS. 85 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,572 THAT'S MIGUEL. 86 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,043 >> OH, HE'S ADORABLE. 87 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:28,222 >> Jon: HE'S MY BROTHER! 88 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,016 >> UM, ANYWAY, I'M ALSO 89 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:32,117 ESTABLISHING KIM'S TORTILLAS. 90 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,259 SORT OF LIKE TOMS SHOES BUT 91 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,515 WITH TORTILLAS. 92 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:36,923 >> I LOVE IT. 93 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,364 >> YOU DO? 94 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,059 >> I'LL TAKE A HAT. 95 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,430 >> AMAZING! OKAY! 96 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,859 UH, WELL, OKAY. 97 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,403 I'LL RING YOU UP. 98 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,368 [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] 99 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,384 YOU GUYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT 100 00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,036 SHE BOUGHT ONE OF MY HATS. 101 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,914 I'M, LIKE, STILL IN SHOCK ABOUT 102 00:02:58,912 --> 00:02:59,382 IT. 103 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,450 >> WHOA, WHOA. 104 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:01,718 JUST GOT A TWEET. 105 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,375 ISABELLE JUST TWITTERED ABOUT 106 00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,994 HER NEW TORTILLA HAT, AND SHE 107 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,715 POSTED A PIC, AND SHE MENTIONED 108 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,890 THE STORE! 109 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:08,758 >> OH, MY GOD. 110 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,156 >> OH, MY GOD, THAT'S AWESOME! 111 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:11,427 >> IT'S AMAZING! 112 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:12,085 >> HI. 113 00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:12,992 EXCUSE ME. 114 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:13,663 >> HI. 115 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:14,761 >> HI. 116 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,762 I WANTED TO SEE THAT TORTILLA 117 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:20,334 HAT THAT ISABELLE HAS. 118 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,644 >> [ LAUGHS ] 119 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,935 IT'S RIGHT HERE! 120 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,736 >> * WELCOME 121 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:31,448 * WELCOME TO SUCCESS 122 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,845 * GET OUT YOUR ROLLS ROYCE 123 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,317 * PUT ON YOUR SATIN DRESS 124 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,587 [ CASH REGISTER BELL DINGS ] 125 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,145 * YEAH 126 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,693 * I LIKE MONEY, 127 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,859 AND MONEY LIKES ME * 128 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,657 * I GOT A MIDDLE NAME, 129 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,999 AND IT'S "LUXURY" * 130 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,255 >> MY WIFE KEEPS HOUNDING ME 131 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,533 ABOUT THESE NEW TORTILLA HATS, 132 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,931 SAYING, "GET ME A TORTILLA HAT! 133 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:52,972 I WANT A TORTILLA HAT." 134 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,266 I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHEN ARE THEY 135 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:55,868 GONNA MAKE A TORTILLA MUZZLE?" 136 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,039 [ LAUGHTER ] 137 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:01,978 [ BELL DINGS ] 138 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,875 >> JON, CAN YOU PLEASE NOT BE 139 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,807 EATING EVERY TIME YOU COME IN 140 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:06,653 HERE? 141 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:07,877 OR AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL YOUR 142 00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,551 LUNCH BREAK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE 143 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,120 DOES. 144 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:10,977 >> Jon: [ Normal ] SORRY. 145 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,224 DON'T OPEN YOUR STORE DOWN THE 146 00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,449 STREET FROM A CHEESIE TOPPERS 147 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,464 PIZZA NEXT TIME, OKAY? 148 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:18,626 BEST NEW YORK SLICE. 149 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,286 >> THE OWNERS OF THAT STORE ARE 150 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:20,894 PRO-LIFE. 151 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:21,634 >> Jon: MM. 152 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,129 >> SO YOU BUYING A SLICE IS 153 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,700 ACTUALLY SUPPORTING PEOPLE WHO 154 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:27,398 MURDER ABORTION DOCTORS. 155 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,241 >> Jon: WELL, ANY FEMINAZIS GET 156 00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:30,896 A TASTE OF THIS SAUCE, THEY 157 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,244 MIGHT NOT CARE SO MUCH. 158 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,709 MIGHT TASTE THEM STRAIGHT. 159 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,377 >> WHY DO FEMINAZIS HAVE TO BE 160 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:38,306 GAY? 161 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,722 >> Jon: PRETTY MUCH A GIVEN. 162 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,315 I HAD DANIELLE SET UP A MEETING. 163 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,717 I WANTED TO RUN SOME EXCITING 164 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,588 BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES BY YOU. 165 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,517 AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT 166 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:50,362 CHANGING THE NAME OF THE STORE 167 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,028 TO KIM'S KRAFTS AS SEEN IN 168 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,355 "DELOCATED!" YOU KNOW, SINCE ALL 169 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,661 OF THIS IS BASICALLY HAPPENING 170 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,532 BECAUSE OF MY SHOW. 171 00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:56,729 >> YEAH, I'M NOT CHANGING THE 172 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,930 NAME OF THE STORE, BUT THANK 173 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,931 YOU. 174 00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,343 >> Jon: ALL RIGHT, YEAH. 175 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,595 WHATEVER. THAT'S FINE. 176 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:03,343 UM... 177 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,367 [ SNIFFLES ] 178 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:05,342 I JUST FIGURED THE GUY THAT 179 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,339 LOANED YOU THE MONEY FOR THE 180 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,410 STORE WOULD HAVE MAYBE A LITTLE 181 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:08,438 MORE SAY IN HOW THINGS ARE RUN. 182 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,042 BUT IT'S COOL. 183 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,082 >> JON, YOU KNOW WHAT? 184 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,407 YOU INSISTED THAT YOU WEREN'T 185 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,782 GONNA MAKE THINGS WEIRD BETWEEN 186 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:13,950 US BECAUSE OF THE LOAN. 187 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,277 SO I JUST FIND THIS REALLY 188 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:15,782 UNFAIR. 189 00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,123 >> Jon: I'M NOT MAKING ANYTHING 190 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:17,787 WEIRD. 191 00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:19,685 I'M BEING PROFESSIONAL, OKAY? 192 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,357 I SET UP A MEETING, OKAY? 193 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,255 THE ONLY THING WEIRD HERE IS, 194 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,286 LIKE, THIS STUFF AND ALL THIS -- 195 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,292 THIS THING. 196 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,293 LIKE, THIS? 197 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:30,634 THIS IS WEIRD, THIS HAT. 198 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,601 [ SINGING IN RUSSIAN ] 199 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,742 [ CONVERSING IN RUSSIAN ] 200 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,812 >> IS CHEESIE TOPPERS PIZZA, 201 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,784 PAPA. 202 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,975 >> GUATEMALAN FAMILIES. 203 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,020 I DON'T CARE IF IT HELPS RUSSIAN 204 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,245 FAMILIES! 205 00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:26,121 YOU SHOP AT THIS STORE! 206 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,759 DISRESPECT TO PAPA! 207 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,002 [ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ] 208 00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,394 >> Jon: SO, I MEAN, I JUST FEEL 209 00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,615 LIKE THIS PARTICULAR PATTERN -- 210 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,320 IT'S A NICE TWO-TONE DENIM. 211 00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:02,961 IT WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR A BOOT 212 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,556 CUT, DO A CARGO POCKET ON IT, 213 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,128 TWO ON ONE SIDE, ONE ON THE 214 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,856 OTHER, MAYBE A RED DENIM FOR THE 215 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,061 CAR-- 216 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,632 KIM, FROM KIM'S KRAFTS! 217 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:12,872 JON FROM "DELOCATED!" 218 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:13,966 HOW ARE YOU? 219 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,237 GREAT TO MEET YOU. 220 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,165 [ SMOOCHES ] 221 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,640 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. 222 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,469 I WON'T TAKE UP ANOTHER SECOND 223 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:25,854 OF YOUR VALUABLE TIME. 224 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,816 [ LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] 225 00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:30,575 STARTING A LINE OF JEANS. 226 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,894 >> WHAT? 227 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,245 >> Jon: STARTING A LINE OF 228 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,053 JEANS! 229 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,564 JEANS! 230 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,686 SWATCHES! 231 00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:37,990 >> WHAT ARE THESE? 232 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,231 >> Jon: IT'S JEANS! 233 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,727 AND THE JEANS -- 234 00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,029 TURN IT OFF. 235 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,260 TURN IT OFF. 236 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,934 OFF. 237 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,373 OFF. 238 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,397 >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? 239 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:49,441 >> Jon: STARTING A LINE OF 240 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:49,996 JEANS. 241 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:50,773 >> OH. 242 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,541 >> IT'S CALLED JJ JEANS. 243 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:53,940 MIGHTY JOE JON, SHOULD I HIT HER 244 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,181 WITH THE JINGLE? 245 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,235 >> HIT HER WITH THE JINGLE, JON. 246 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,854 >> Jon: * JJ JEANS 247 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:02,616 * YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 248 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,876 [ CHUCKLES ] 249 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:04,894 >> GREAT. 250 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:07,045 WHAT DOES "JJ" STAND FOR? 251 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,424 >> Jon: JON'S JEANS. 252 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,592 WOULDN'T THAT MAKE IT 253 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,261 "JON'S JEANS JEANS"? 254 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,960 >> Jon: NO. 255 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,762 I MEAN, YES. 256 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:17,974 IT'S JON'S -- 257 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,465 IT'S JJ JEANS, BUT IT JUST 258 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,726 STANDS FOR JON'S JEANS. 259 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,374 >> RIGHT, BUT IF "JJ," LIKE 260 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,039 YOU'RE SAYING, IT STANDS FOR 261 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,907 "JON'S JEANS" AND THEN IS CALLED 262 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,136 JJ JEANS, THAT DOES MAKE IT 263 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,611 "JON'S JEANS JEANS." 264 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:30,640 >> IT'S THE SAME THING I 265 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,414 THOUGHT, TOO. 266 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,151 >> Jon: REGARDLESS, PICTURE ALL 267 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:36,646 OF THIS, OKAY? 268 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,290 AT JON'S NOOK. 269 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,485 ONLY AT KIM'S KRAFTS. 270 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:41,557 >> VERY CLEVER. 271 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:42,585 >> Jon: THANK YOU. 272 00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,590 >> SO...I THOUGHT THAT WAS A 273 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,162 VERY WELL-THOUGHT-OUT 274 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,229 PRESENTATION, BUT I THINK I'M 275 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,728 GONNA PASS. 276 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,230 >> Jon: OH. 277 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:54,471 UH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE NOOK? 278 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:57,297 * WHAT ABOUT THE JINGLES? 279 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,451 >> SO I HOPE IT'S NOT AWKWARD 280 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,120 BETWEEN US SINCE I PASSED ON 281 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,819 YOUR JEANS. 282 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,291 >> Jon: NO WAY. 283 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,118 ARE YOU CRAZY? 284 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,093 YOU ACTUALLY DID ME A HUMONGOUS 285 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,291 FAVOR BY PASSING, SO I OWE YOU A 286 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,663 THANK YOU. 287 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:22,962 >> WOW. 288 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,263 >> Jon: YEAH, MADE ME REALIZE I 289 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,434 SHOULD FOCUS ON MY JINGLES. 290 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:28,172 CHECK IT OUT. 291 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,768 JJ JINGLES. 292 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,511 * IF YOU NEED A JINGLE, 293 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,675 GIVE JJ A RINGLE * 294 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,135 * JJ JINGLES 295 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:36,783 FRRT! 296 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,977 >> OH, MY GOD. 297 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,010 I JUST GOT 50 MORE ORDERS FOR 298 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:44,224 HATS. 299 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,317 CHECK IT OUT! 300 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,448 MORE HAT ORDERS! 301 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,164 WHAT'S GOING ON? 302 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,886 >> KIM, SEVERAL PEOPLE WEARING 303 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,791 YOUR TORTILLA HATS WERE MURDERED 304 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:57,363 IN THE CITY LAST WEEK. 305 00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:02,004 YOU BETTER LOOK AT THESE. 306 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:05,342 >> OH, MY GOD. 307 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,408 >> "AS LONG AS BUSINESS REMAIN 308 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,377 OPEN, DEATH COME TO THOSE WHO 309 00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:10,476 WEAR HAT. 310 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,477 LOVE AND KISSES, THE 311 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:12,808 MIRMINSKIS." 312 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,583 >> NOW, KIM, WE CAN'T FORCE YOU 313 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,321 TO CLOSE DOWN YOUR STORE, BUT 314 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,016 IT'S BECOME OBVIOUS TO US THAT 315 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,688 ANYBODY WITH A CONNECTION TO 316 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,247 YOUR PRODUCTS IS MARKED FOR 317 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,224 DEATH. 318 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,530 >> Jon: I'M SORRY, SWEETIE. 319 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,401 MAYBE WE SHOULD REVISIT THE IDEA 320 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,700 OF MY JEANS NOOK. 321 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,074 YOU KNOW, CLOSE THE STORE. 322 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,571 WE'LL PUT A MINI DOOR NEXT TO 323 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,542 THE NOOK. 324 00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:49,524 KIM, I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW? 325 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,016 I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY 326 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:51,618 FAULT. 327 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:52,918 IT'S LIKE SIX DEGREES OF 328 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,920 JON-PERATION UP IN THIS BIOTCH. 329 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,693 JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP. 330 00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,392 >> IT'S FINE. 331 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:02,202 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 332 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,295 I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE STORE AT 333 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,926 ALL IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, SO... 334 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,743 YOU BELIEVED IN ME FROM THE 335 00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,465 START, AND THAT'S ALL THAT 336 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,539 MATTERS. 337 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:16,609 >> Jon: KIM... 338 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,079 THE MIRMINSKY'S, THEY DESTROYED 339 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,148 YOUR DREAM, OKAY? 340 00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:21,407 AND WORSE, THEY PREVENTED YOU 341 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:22,784 FROM BEING ABLE TO PAY BACK YOUR 342 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:23,923 LOAN. 343 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,317 YOU KNOW, TO ME. 344 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,549 LOOK, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF IT'S 345 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:28,824 THE LAST THING I DO, I'M GONNA 346 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,122 MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID 347 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,393 TO YOU, OKAY? 348 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:37,002 [ SIGHS ] 349 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:38,967 AND I KNOW JUST HOW I'M GONNA DO 350 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,926 IT. 351 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,014 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 352 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,138 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 353 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:49,812 THANK YOU. 354 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,750 I'M TRYING OUT SOME NEW JOKES 355 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:52,745 FOR THE BIG 356 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,506 CHEESIE TOPPERS PIZZA COMEDY 357 00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:55,784 CONTEST. 358 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:58,023 IF I HAD IT MY WAY, I'D RATHER 359 00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,148 IT WAS THE BIG VODKA TOPPERS 360 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,693 COMEDY COMPETITION! 361 00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,588 [ LAUGHTER ] 362 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,860 >> Jon: TERRIBLE! 363 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,529 NOT FUNNY. 364 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,697 >> UH, WHAT'S GOING ON? 365 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,426 >> Jon: UH, WHAT'S GOING ON IS 366 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,771 THAT YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. 367 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:13,596 THAT'S WHAT. 368 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,140 [ LAUGHTER ] 369 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,295 >> OKAY. 370 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:19,673 SOMEBODY GET THIS GUY...A VODKA. 371 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,442 [ LAUGHTER ] 372 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,441 >> Jon: AH HA HA HA HA! 373 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:23,843 WOW. 374 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,454 HERE'S MY IMPRESSION OF YOU -- 375 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,645 "BLAH BLAH BLAH, VODKA. 376 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,947 BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, VODKA," ALL 377 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,020 OF IT NOT FUNNY. 378 00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:31,848 >> ALL RIGHTY. 379 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:32,852 [ HANDS CLAPPING ] 380 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:33,823 LET'S HEAR IT FOR 381 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,191 YVGENY MIRMINSKY, EVERYONE, 382 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,158 YVGENY MIRMINSKY. 383 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:40,156 [ APPLAUSE ] 384 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,360 THAT WAS HIS TIME, ANYWAY. 385 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,732 HEY, MAN, THAT WAS REALLY 386 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,460 HILARIOUS. 387 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,134 YOU SHOULD CONSIDERING ENTERING 388 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,733 THIS CONTEST -- LIKE, $20,000, 389 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,174 MAN? 390 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,298 GET A LOT OF BAGS FOR THAT. 391 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:58,077 >> Jon: OH, MY GOD, I DESTROYED 392 00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:00,448 HIM -- DESTROYED. 393 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,020 AND I'M GONNA DESTROY HIM AGAIN 394 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,175 AT THAT CONTEST. 395 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,994 BABY, MAYBE YOU NEED TO TAKE A 396 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,646 BREAK FROM THAT PIZZA, HUH? 397 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,194 DON'T FORGET -- THEY'RE 398 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:09,989 PRO-LIFE. 399 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,990 >> I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE. 400 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,562 >> Jon: SWEETIE, COME ON. 401 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,360 YOU -- YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF 402 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,162 BED, OKAY? 403 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,533 JUST -- 404 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,430 BABY, COME ON. 405 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,101 IF I WIN THEIR PRIZE MONEY, I 406 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,840 CAN TAKE IT, AND I CAN DO GOOD 407 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:22,435 WITH IT. 408 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,035 THINK OF ALL THE GOOD I CAN DO 409 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:24,937 WITH THAT MONEY. 410 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,168 I CAN HELP SOME GUATS. 411 00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,713 * DO A LOT OF GOOD FOR SOME 412 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:29,878 GUATS * 413 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,777 * HELPIN' THEM OUT 414 00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,348 * ANYWAY I CAN 415 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,377 SWEETIE, THE MIRMINSKYS -- THEY 416 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,753 ABORTED YOUR DREAM. 417 00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,690 I'M GONNA PERFORM A LATE-TERM 418 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,516 ABORTION ON YVGENY'S COMEDY 419 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,421 CAREER. 420 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:46,093 OKAY? 421 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:49,303 >> NOBODY GETS ME EXCEPT YOU, 422 00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,396 VODKA. 423 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:54,027 NOBODY THINKS I'M FUNNY. 424 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,744 [ High-pitched voice ] "I THINK 425 00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:56,965 YOU'RE FUNNY, YVGENY." 426 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,310 [ Normal voice ] I NEED 427 00:13:58,305 --> 00:13:59,305 SOMETHING FRESH. 428 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:02,236 I NEED FRESH VODKA ROUTINE. 429 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,382 [ GAGS, VOMITS ] 430 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,306 [ High-pitched voice ] "I'M YOUR 431 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,711 ONLY FRIEND! 432 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:10,253 I'M SORRY! 433 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,590 I'M SORRY." 434 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,146 [ APPLAUSE ] 435 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,464 >> ALL RIGHT, HOW YOU GUYS DOING 436 00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,555 TONIGHT? 437 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,056 ARE YOU GUYS READY TO MEET 438 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,388 NEW YORK'S FRESHEST NEW 439 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:20,062 COMEDIAN? 440 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,230 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 441 00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:24,429 I'D LIKE YOU TO SAY HELLO TO OUR 442 00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,171 JUDGE RIGHT IN THE BACK. 443 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,396 HE'S FROM CHEESIE TOPPERS, VOTED 444 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,741 FRESHEST SLICE BY 445 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,796 "RELIGIOUS CHRISTIAN" MAGAZINE 446 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,674 FIVE YEARS RUNNING. 447 00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:33,942 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HE'S A 448 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:34,911 NEW YORK INSTITUTION. 449 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,108 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR 450 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,749 MR. LOU TOPPOLINI! 451 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:42,175 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 452 00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:42,982 ALL RIGHT! 453 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,923 ARE YOU GUYS READY TO GET THIS 454 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:45,848 SHOW ROLLING? 455 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,622 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 456 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,920 >> "YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE, 457 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:50,693 ARE YOU? 458 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:52,930 WELL, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T 459 00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,096 GO ANYWHERE NEAR...THE LESBIAN 460 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,095 BOOKSTORE." 461 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,196 [ LAUGHTER ] 462 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,328 [ APPLAUSE ] 463 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,102 >> WHY DO THEY CALL IT "FRIENDLY 464 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:01,601 FIRE"? 465 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,301 IF YOU SHOOT ME, GUESS WHAT. 466 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,873 WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE. 467 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,811 [ LAUGHTER ] 468 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:07,976 >> OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 469 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,175 THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH, FRIEND. 470 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,806 >> Jon: IT'S OKAY, ROB. 471 00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,010 WHAT'S UP, MAN? 472 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:14,112 YOU WANT ANOTHER PIECE OF THIS? 473 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,054 IS THAT IT? 474 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:18,148 LET'S DO IT. 475 00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:21,621 >> I WAS HOPING THAT TONIGHT 476 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,561 PLEASE MAYBE YOU DO NOT DO SO 477 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,327 WELL? 478 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,556 >> Jon: YOU SERIOUS? 479 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:29,831 YOU'RE SUGGESTING I THROW THE 480 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:30,299 CONTEST? 481 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:31,557 'CAUSE IF YOU ARE, I WOULD SAY 482 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:32,734 YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH OF 483 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:33,132 THIS. 484 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,373 >> GUYS, YOU GUYS READY FOR YOUR 485 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:34,997 NEXT COMEDIAN? 486 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,242 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 487 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,636 WELCOME TO THE STAGE THE 488 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,468 UNKNOWN HECKLER! 489 00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:46,083 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 490 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,909 >> Jon: YOU KNOW, I, UH -- I 491 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,754 KNOW THIS IS A COMEDY CONTEST 492 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,749 AND THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO TRY TO 493 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,551 MAKE EVERYONE LAUGH AND TELL 494 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,563 JOKES AND TRY TO WIN THE MONEY. 495 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,885 BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS IN LIFE 496 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,159 THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN 497 00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:00,488 STANDING ON A STAGE AND TRYING 498 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:01,693 TO GET A COUPLE YUCKS. 499 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:05,274 [ LAUGHTER ] 500 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,335 NO, NO, I'M -- I'M SERIOUS. 501 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,595 I MAY BE THE UNKNOWN HECKLER, 502 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:15,743 BUT, UH... 503 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,252 I'M ALSO A PERSON. 504 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,875 MY NAME IS JON. 505 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,080 AND I HAVE A STORY THAT NEEDS TO 506 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,054 BE KNOWN. 507 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:28,222 MY SISTER COMES TO MY APARTMENT 508 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:31,221 THE OTHER DAY, AND I CAN TELL 509 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,294 SOMETHING'S WRONG. 510 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,633 YOU KNOW, I'M ALL LIKE, "SIS, 511 00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:36,597 WHAT'S UP?" 512 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:39,096 TURNS OUT SHE'S PREGNANT, BUT 513 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,399 SHE DOESN'T LOVE THE FATHER. 514 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,201 SHE'S UPSET, TELLS ME SHE'S 515 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,773 THINKING ABOUT HAVING AN 516 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,571 ABORTION, AND I'M ALL LIKE, 517 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,743 "SLOW DOWN, SIS. 518 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,240 PUT ON THE CONVERSATIONS BRAKES 519 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:49,612 HERE. 520 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,139 I MEAN, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT AN 521 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:55,254 ACTUAL LIFE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE." 522 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,218 I GO TO THE KITCHEN TO GET HER 523 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,287 SOME WATER, GRAB A BAG OF CHIPS. 524 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,886 I'M TRYING TO OPEN THE CHIPS, 525 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,487 AND, I MEAN, HAS ANYBODY TRIED 526 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,089 TO OPEN A BAG OF THESE THINGS 527 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:04,621 LATELY? 528 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,434 [ LAUGHTER ] 529 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:06,625 I MEAN, YOU GOT TO BE 530 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,256 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TO OPEN A 531 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,431 BAG OF THESE THINGS. 532 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,229 [ LAUGHTER ] 533 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,560 SOMEBODY CALL THE CRUNCHINATOR. 534 00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:12,774 [ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ] 535 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,795 I'LL BE BACK... 536 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,641 WITH CHIPS. 537 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,266 [ LAUGHTER ] 538 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,510 [ Normal voice ] SOMEONE WAS 539 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:19,835 TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THE OTHER 540 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,169 DAY THAT LIFE DOES NOT BEGIN AT 541 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:21,774 CONCEPTION. 542 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,144 AND I WAS ALL LIKE, "WHATEVER -- 543 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,483 ALL I KNOW IS THAT TASTE BEGINS 544 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,247 AT THE CRUNCH." 545 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:25,905 [ LAUGHTER ] 546 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,112 [ As Arnold Schwarzenegger ] 547 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:29,024 HEY, PREDATOR, PASS THE CHIPS. 548 00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:29,945 [ LAUGHTER ] 549 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,779 [ Normal voice ] SOMEBODY WAS 550 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:32,994 SAYING THAT THEY DON'T THINK 551 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:33,915 IT'S ABOUT THE BABY. 552 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,260 THEY THINK IT'S ABOUT A MOTHER'S 553 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:35,685 CHOICE. 554 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:36,758 AND I WAS LIKE -- 555 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:37,986 [ IMITATES CRUNCHING ] 556 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,590 "SEE -- I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER 557 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:40,362 THE CRUNCH." 558 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,190 [ LAUGHTER ] 559 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,834 WELL, I THANK GOD I LIVE IN 560 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,699 AMERICA, THAT I HAVE THE FREEDOM 561 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,327 TO COME UP HERE ONSTAGE AND 562 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,473 VOICE MY OPINION. 563 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,137 >> RIGHT. 564 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,795 >> Jon: IN OTHER WORDS, WHAT A 565 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:50,602 "CRUNCH-RY"! 566 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:51,373 [ LAUGHTER ] 567 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,611 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 568 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:53,305 THANK YOU. 569 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:54,836 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 570 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,781 >> EVERYBODY, JON! 571 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:57,636 ALL RIGHT! 572 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,884 YOU GUYS READY FOR THE LAST 573 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,948 COMEDIAN? 574 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:02,948 OKAY. 575 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,679 UM -- OH, ACTUALLY, I GUESS 576 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,324 WE'RE NOT GONNA BE SEEING 577 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,289 ANYBODY ELSE. 578 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:07,817 UH -- 579 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,020 >> THE WINNER IS JON. 580 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:09,821 WHERE'S JON? 581 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:10,792 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 582 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,390 GIVE IT UP FOR JON! 583 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,462 HEY, HEY, HEY! 584 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,360 CONGRATS, JOHN, ON A GREAT JOB 585 00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,332 IN BECOMING NEW YORK'S FRESHEST 586 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,300 NEW COMEDIAN. 587 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:20,528 FOLKS, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE 588 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,743 THAT GOOD HUMOR COMES FROM GOOD 589 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:23,495 VALUES. 590 00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:26,173 WHAT A TERRIFIC CONTEST WE HAD 591 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,173 TONIGHT. 592 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:29,684 AND WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 593 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:30,876 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 594 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,807 >> Jon: THANKS SO MUCH, LOU. 595 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,882 THANK YOU, AND I COULDN'T AGREE 596 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,881 MORE ABOUT COMEDY AND VALUES. 597 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,523 AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'VE 598 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,188 DECIDED TO DONATE ALL OF MY 599 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,547 MONEY TO A GOOD CAUSE. 600 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,394 I'M GIVING THE ENTIRE $20,000 TO 601 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,861 A GROUP OF GUATALIAS. 602 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:46,488 >> ALL RIGHT! 603 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:47,493 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 604 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,094 >> [ CRYING ] 605 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,004 >> Jon: THANK YOU. 606 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,527 OKAY, ROB IS OPENING THE DOOR. 607 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,673 [ DOOR OPENS ] 608 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,497 HERE WE GO. 609 00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:57,773 YOU'RE CLEARING THE DOOR. 610 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,940 OKAY, STOP RIGHT HERE. 611 00:18:58,938 --> 00:18:59,738 OKAY. READY? 612 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:00,339 >> YEP. 613 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,210 >> Jon: READY? 614 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:05,178 OPEN YOUR EYES. 615 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:06,108 >> WHAT IS THIS? 616 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,852 >> Jon: [ LAUGHS ] 617 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:09,418 [ HAND SLAMS ] 618 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,246 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 619 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,221 >> WHAT IS THAT? 620 00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,919 >> Jon: CHECK IT OUT. COME HERE. 621 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:14,750 LOOK AT THIS. 622 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,794 >> UH... 623 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,358 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 624 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,587 WATCH THIS -- BOOM. 625 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,392 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 626 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,204 [ LAUGHS ] 627 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,395 HOW COOL ARE THESE? 628 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:24,026 >> SEE? 629 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,870 THEY PUT THE VOICE CHIP IN THE 630 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:26,525 T-SHIRT. 631 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,073 >> Jon: LOOK AT THIS. 632 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,937 BOOM BA-DA BA-BA-BA BOOM! 633 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:31,937 [ LAUGHS ] 634 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:32,868 >> "CRUNCH MERCH." 635 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:33,912 >> Jon: [ LAUGHS ] 636 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,406 BABY, WHEN WE SELL ALL THIS 637 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,978 MERCH, THE GUTALIAS ARE GONNA 638 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,706 HAVE A MANSION, AND WE ARE STILL 639 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,281 GONNA HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO 640 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,380 DIP OUR OWN WICKS. 641 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,651 BOOM. 642 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,579 [ LAUGHS ] 643 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:45,424 >> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. 644 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,548 I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD HAVE JUST, 645 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,063 UM, DONATED THE MONEY. 646 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,315 >> Jon: I'M GONNA MAKE WAY MORE 647 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:50,763 MONEY. 648 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:51,957 WHAT ARE YOU -- DONATE THE -- 649 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,388 [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] 650 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:53,763 OH. 651 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:54,830 >> HEY, YOU GOT TWO. 652 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:55,997 >> Jon: LOOK AT THAT. 653 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,155 UH, HOUSTON, WE HAVE OUR FIRST 654 00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:58,834 MERCH. 655 00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:01,131 >> HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON IT? 656 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,773 >> Jon: I SPENT ALL MY WINNINGS, 657 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,269 THE WHOLE 20-GRAND PRIZE MONEY 658 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:06,241 ALL ON MERCH. 659 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:09,811 [ SIGHS ] 660 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,622 [ SIGHS ] 661 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:19,446 >> THANKS. 662 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:23,862 >> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 663 00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,426 I CAN'T BELIEVE I ONLY SOLD TWO 664 00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:25,925 SHIRTS. 665 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:26,825 >> I KNOW, HONEY. 666 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,356 I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED, BUT 667 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,201 YOU KNOW WHAT? 668 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,525 YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT LIKE 669 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,130 YOU'RE DONATING YOUR WINNINGS TO 670 00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,831 CHARITY, RIGHT? 671 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,703 AND THAT'S ACTUALLY A VERY NOBLE 672 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,372 GESTURE. 673 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,709 >> Jon: YOU KNOW, I GUESS -- 674 00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:41,205 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT 675 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,637 IT, IT'S -- IT'S KIND OF LIKE 676 00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,153 WHERE YOU FAILED, I SUCCEEDED. 677 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:50,315 YOU KNOW? 678 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:53,487 REALLY, YOU KNOW, THE MORE I 679 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:54,546 THINK ABOUT IT, I JUST FEEL 680 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,564 LIKE... 681 00:20:56,556 --> 00:21:00,156 * I'LL SOME GOOD FOR GUATALIAS 682 00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:01,789 MAN, I WISH GUATALIAS COULD EAT 683 00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,234 JINGLES. 684 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,170 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 685 00:21:14,574 --> 00:21:15,814 >> [ LAUGHS ] 686 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:18,407 [ LAUGHS ] 687 00:21:18,411 --> 00:21:19,981 >> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 688 00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:21,379 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 689 00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,881 >> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 690 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:24,883 >> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 691 00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:26,154 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 692 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,092 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 693 00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:29,386 >> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 694 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:30,589 YVGENY. 695 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:31,860 >> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 696 00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:32,588 >> YVGENY. 697 00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:34,262 >> Jon: WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT 698 00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:35,830 A -- WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 699 00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,658 >> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 700 00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:38,604 YVGENY... 701 00:21:38,598 --> 00:21:40,328 [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 702 00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,933 >> Jon: WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 703 00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,774 >> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 704 00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:45,240 >> Jon: WHAT A -- 705 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,067 WHAT A "CRUNCH-RY"! 706 00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:48,073 [ SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS ] 707 00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:50,414 >> * OHH 708 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:52,880 >> * 'CAUSE I'M DOING SOME GOOD 709 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:55,719 FOR SOME GUATALIAS * 710 00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:57,575 * I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR 711 00:21:57,584 --> 00:21:59,894 GUATALIAS * 712 00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:01,916 * I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR 713 00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:04,291 GUATALIAS * 714 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,860 * I'M DOING SOME GOOD FOR SOME 715 00:22:06,859 --> 00:22:11,729 GUATALIAS * 716 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:13,701 * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH 43338

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