Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK

CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

SUSAN, WE BROKE UP.

YOU GOT A NEW FEDERAL AGENT.

THAT GUY RESIGNED SO HE COULD BE

YOUR BOYFRIEND.

THEN YOU BROKE UP WITH THAT GUY

TO BE BOYFRIENDS WITH YOUR NEXT

AGENT.

>> SUSAN AND I HAVE A SPIRITUAL

CONNECTION, AS WELL AS A SEXUAL

ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> HELLO? OH, HEY, SUSAN.

WHAT'S UP? WHOA, WHOA.

SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.

OKAY, N-NO. DON'T WORRY.

I'M ON IT.

>> Jon: NOW WHAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> DAVID STOLE A CAR AND HIT A

HOMELESS GUY.

>> Jon: [ GASPS ]

>> THE HOMELESS GUY'S DEAD.

>> Jon: WHAT?!

>> GET A 20 ON SUSAN RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: I GOT TO CALL MY LAWYER,

RIGHT?

>> IF I WAS YOU, I'D CALL A

TEACHER.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> 'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT SCHOOLED!

PRANK!

[ LAUGHS ]

I PRANKED YOUR ASS, DUDE!

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU DICK!

NICE. NICE PRANK.

>> DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAW THE

LOOK ON YOUR FACE, MAN.

>> Jon: WELL, COME ON, MAN.

I THOUGHT MY SON JUST KILLED A

GUY, YOU KNOW?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

>> NOT FUNNY.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> THAT KIND OF SCREWING AROUND

ISN'T FUNNY.

>> Jon: IT'S A PRANK, MAN.

LIGHTEN UP. IT WAS FUNNY.

PRANKS ARE HILARIOUS.

THIS GUY DOESN'T LIKE PRANKS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: UH, EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN'T FLUSH THE TOILET?

>> IF IT'S YELLOW, LET IT

MELLOW.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

MR. ENVIRONMENT, THIS GUY.

UH, LET ME DRAIN THE MAIN VEIN,

AND WE'LL DO THIS.

HEY, MAN, I DON'T WANT TO, UH,

FREAK YOU OUT, BUT DID YOU --

THERE'S BLOOD IN YOUR URINE.

>> WHAT?!

>> Jon: DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?

>> NO!

SHOULD I CALL A DOCTOR?

>> Jon: I MEAN, I'D CALL A

TEACHER.

SCHOOLED RIGHT BACK!

PRANK ATTACK!

KETCHUP IN YOUR URINE.

THAT'S A PRANK!

COME ON, MAN. YEAH.

BOOM, MAN.

>> HEY, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD TALK

ABOUT DOING A PRANK SHOW.

>> Jon: DO NOT JOKE ABOUT THAT.

I WILL DO THAT TOMORROW.

I'M SERIOUS.

I MEAN, EVER SINCE THEY CANCELED

"HOWIE DO IT," THERE'S BEEN A

HUGE VOID IN TV PRANK SHOWS.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> Jon: I JUST THOUGHT OF WHAT

WE COULD CALL THE SHOW.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST PRODUCTION

MEETING FOR "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> WHOO!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Jon: UH, OH. HOLD ON.

OH, THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN.

PROBABLY WANTS ME TO, UH, RUSH

HOME SO I CAN "JON HE DO HER!"

WHAT'S UP, SWEETIE?

>> UH, WHAT'S UP?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING

DINNER.

THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

>> Jon: TOTALLY FORGOT.

UM, GET ME A CHIMICHANGA, AND

I'LL EAT WITH YOU AT HOME, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO.

I GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT, SO, BEFORE WE GET

STARTED, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

SOME OF MY CHARACTERS, WHICH I

THINK WILL JUST HELP US COME UP

WITH IDEAS FOR PRANKS.

I DO A PRETTY GOOD BROOKLYN GUY.

YOU KNOW [Brooklyn accent] OH,

LOOK AT THIS GUY!

WHAT'S THIS GUY DOIN'?

THIS BROOKLYN GUY OVER -- WHAT'S

THIS GUY GONNA DO, THIS GUY?!

[ Normal voice ] I DO A REALLY

GOOD WOMAN.

[ Singsong voice ] OH, MY GOD!

I HAD MY PERIOD TODAY.

[ Normal voice ] IF WE CAN THINK

OF SOME PRANKS TO REVOLVE AROUND

[Southern accent] WHAT'S GOING

ON, YOU?

[ Normal voice ] I WANT

EVERYONE TO JUST LOOK AT THIS

FOR, LIKE, A FEW SECONDS AND

JUST THINK OF IDEAS.

I DO, LIKE, A HIPPIE GUY.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, WHAT'S UP, MAN?"

DOING!

OH, ME SO SORRY.

ME JAPANESE POP TART.

I'LL BE LIKE, "LOOK AT ME.

I'M A FEDERAL AGENT.

UUUUGH."

[ CHUCKLES ]

* HOW I WONDER

* WHAT YOU ARE

* DO DO-DO

* DO-DO DO-DO-DO

THEN IT TRANSFORMS TO THIS.

SOMETHING ELSE THAT I THINK IS

GOING TO KIND OF SEPARATE US

FROM THE OTHER PRANK SHOWS IS I

WANT TO DO SOME HYBRID

CHARACTERS.

FOR EXAMPLE, I WANT TO TAKE MY

GAY AND I WANT TO TAKE MY

ITALIAN.

[ Effeminate voice ] OH, MAMA

MIA, PIZZERIA!

[ Normal voice ] I DO THIS

CHARACTER.

HE'S A ROBOTIC JEW.

[ Robotic voice ] OY VEY.

OY VEY.

OY VEY.

[ Normal voice ] I JUST WANT YOU

GUYS TO GET SUPER FIRED UP SO WE

CAN START THIS SEASON OF

"JON HE DOES IT!"

>> WHOO!

YEAH!

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> Jon: HOW YOU DOING?

EXCUSE ME.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

>> Jon: HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> HEY!

>> Jon: FRRT!

THIS "JON HE DOES IT!"

[ Foreign accent ] EXCUSE ME!

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CORNER OF

BROADWAY AND [ULULATING] IS?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE CORNER OF

BROADWAY AND [normal voice]

"JON HE DOES IT!" IS?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> * NO ONE PRANKS YOU LIKE

"JON HE CAN" *

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> * GOT A SITUATION

* THINK IT'S REAL

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> * BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'VE

BEEN PRANKED *

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> Jon: FRRT! FRRT! FRRT! FRRT!

>> * TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU

* HOW'S IT FEEL?

>> Jon: THAT'S JUST

"JON HE DOES IT!"

>> [BLEEP] YOU, AMERICA.

>> WHEN -- WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE,

TAKING OFF THE SURGICAL SCRUBS,

YOU WENT, "THAT'S JUST

'JON HE DIAGNOSES IT!'"

[ LAUGHS ]

TOO FUNNY, DUDE.

>> Jon: BUDDY, THAT IS A

"JON HE DOES IT."

>> IT IS.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> Jon: FORGOT THE FATHER-SON

DOUBLES TOURNAMENT.

>> Susan: HE DOESN'T WANT TO

TALK TO YOU.

AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO STAY WITH

YOU THIS WEEKEND.

>> Jon: OH, COME ON.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD TALK

TO DAVID.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THINGS WITH

MY OWN SON, OKAY?

THANK YOU.

>> YES. YEAH, OF COURSE.

UH, IT'S JUST THAT, UM...

WHEN HE TEXTED ME, HE SAID HE

WAS PRETTY UPSET.

>> Jon: WHY ARE YOU EVEN TEXTING

WITH DAVID?

>> OKAY, I TALKED TO DAVID.

HE'S STILL UPSET, BUT HE'S OKAY.

>> Susan: OKAY.

>> ROB.

>> DARREN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD LET HIM LISTEN TO MY,

UH, CLASSICAL RELAXATION CD.

HE LOVES MOZART'S CLARINET

CONCERTO IN "A" MAJOR.

>> I ACTUALLY GAVE HIM ONE OF MY

NEW-AGE CDs,

"EARTH BEATS -- VOLUME 4."

SEEMS TO BE DOING THE TRICK.

>> Susan: THANK YOU, DARREN.

WELL, UM, THANKS FOR STOPPING

BY.

AND I'LL BE SURE AND TELL DAVID

YOU FEEL LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE.

BYE.

>> ROB.

>> DARREN.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

HOW'S IT TASTE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

SPENDING ALL HIS TIME CRYING

THAT I MISSED THE TOURNAMENT,

BUT NO WORD ABOUT THE NEW RACKET

I GOT HIM.

[ SIGHS ]

GREAT.

NOT GONNA HEAR THE END OF THIS

ONE.

>> I-I'M NOT SEEING THINGS.

SUSAN'S [BLEEP] HER NEW AGENT,

RIGHT?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

ASK DARREN.

[ LOCK CLICKS ]

ISN'T THAT WHAT ALL YOU GUYS DO,

THOUGH -- TAKE TURNS [BLEEP] MY

EX-WIFE?

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

NICE. IT'S A GOOD SPOT FOR THAT.

WHAT IS UP?

WELCOME TO THE SCENE OF THE

CRIME.

FOR THE NEXT PRANK, WE'RE IN A

COFFEE SHOP.

ME -- I'M HALFWAY HOME TO

BECOMING MY BRAND-NEW CHARACTER.

THIS GUY IS A, UH, NEW YORK

HIPSTER, MAN!

HIS NAME IS BARRY.

HE'S A BARISTA, MAN.

WHAT'S UP?

THIS WHOLE PLACE -- CHECK IT

OUT.

IT'S A WORKING SET.

WE GOT CAMERAS EVERYWHERE.

LITTLE LIPSTICK CAM.

CAMERAS IN THE WALLS.

CAMERAS IN THE SPEAKERS.

WHERE ELSE WE GOT CAMERAS?

BOOM.

FLOWER, FLOWER, CAMERA.

CHECK THIS OUT.

NEW TECHNOLOGY.

CARDBOARD, CARDBOARD, CARDBOARD,

CAMERA.

FEELING TIPSY, OR ARE YOU

FEELING CAMERA?

CAMERA, CAMERA, CAMERA, CAMERA,

CAMERA, CUP, CAMERA, CAMERA,

CUP.

REST ARE CAMERAS, INCLUDING THE

PLASTIC SLEEVE.

WHY SO MANY CAMERAS?

THAT'S JUST "JON HE DOES IT!"

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

THE NERVE CENTER.

NOW, AT THIS PARTICULAR COFFEE

SHOP, WE HAPPEN TO SERVE A VERY

SPECIFIC BRAND OF TEA.

ALL WE NEED NOW IS AN

UNSUSPECTING CUSTOMER.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

LET'S "JON HE DOES THIS!"

WHAT'S UP, MILADY?

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YA?

>> EXCUSE ME?

I'M NOT A WOMAN.

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT, MAN.

YEAH. SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

WHAT YOU WANT?

>> GET ME, UH, A MEDIUM

EARL GREY WITH ROOM FOR MILK.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

MEDIUM EARL WITH SOME ROOM FOR

MOO JUICE.

GOOD CALL ON THE EARL.

BE RIGHT BACK WITH THAT, MAN.

WE GET A MEDIUM EARL?

PUT SOME COW IN IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY.

IF, UH, TEA IS WHAT HE WANTS,

THEN "T" IS WHAT HE'S GONNA GET.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH!

SHH! SHH!

OKAY, UH, HERE WE GO.

UH, GOT A MEDIUM EARL WITH A

MEDIUM EARL.

>> SIR, WHAT IS THIS?

>> Jon: UH, IT'S YOUR "T," MAN.

>> WHAT IS THIS?!

>> Jon: UH, THIS IS YOUR "T,"

MAN.

>> WHY ARE YOU [BLEEP] WITH ME?!

GO GET ME MY TEA!

>> Jon: THIS IS YOUR "T."

>> NO [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

I DON'T NEED THIS TODAY!

I JUST LOST MY JOB!

>> Jon: OKAY, J-JUST BE COOL,

OKAY.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

PRANK SHOW.

JON FROM "DELOCATED!"

THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] WHO

YOU ARE, MOTHER [BLEEP]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, JUST

H-H-HO-- HOLD ON!

I'M GOING RIGHT HERE.

THERE'S A CREW. JUST LOOK.

THERE'S A WHOLE CREW BACK HERE.

WE'VE GOT CAMERAS, PRODUCERS.

OKAY?

GUYS?

GUYS?!

[BLEEP]

COME HERE!

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

RIGHT UP HERE.

THERE'S CAMERAS IN HERE, AND

THERE'S CAMERAS IN THESE MUFFINS

AND BAGELS.

THERE'S CAMERAS.

YOU JUST CAN'T SEE THEM.

>> YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.

>> Jon: NO, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

COME ON!

>> SECRET SERVICE!

ON THE FLOOR.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Jon: HELP!

>> MR. TEA, MR. "DELOCATED!"

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, ASSHOLE.

>> Jon: PLEASE!

PLEASE!

>> BANG!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

PRANKED!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> PRANKED!

>> Jon: WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> THERE'S NO PRANK SHOW.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> YOU REALLY THINK I'D

GREEN-LIGHT A SHOW CALLED

"JON HE DOES IT!"?

NO WAY, MAN! MY GOD!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I GOT YOU, MAN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

>> Jon: UM...

I, UH...

YOU KNOW, I GOT...

REAL SCARED.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE, AND

I, UH, GOT A LITTLE "FRRT" IN MY

PANTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BONUS!

[ LAUGHS ]

I GUESS THAT'S JUST

"MIGHTY JOE JON HE DOES IT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

LAUGH AT HIM SOME MORE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

LAUGH AT HIM SOME MORE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO STUPID.

SO STUPID.

>> Jon: THAT IS NOT FUNNY!

YOU DO NOT DO THAT TO PEOPLE!

NO!

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> Jon: [ CRYING ]

>> JON, HONEY, DON'T PUNCH THE

WINDOW.

HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Jon: SORRY.

I JUST -- I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.

I'M JUST TOO PISSED OFF.

>> OH, WILL YOU GET OVER IT,

JON?

IT'S -- IT WAS A PRANK.

YOU LOVE PRANKS.

>> Jon: NO, SEE, I THOUGHT I

LOVED PRANKS.

AND I DON'T.

PRANKS AREN'T FUNNY.

>> DON'T LOSE YOUR SENSE OF

HUMOR.

IT WAS FUNNY.

>> Jon: IT WASN'T FUNNY.

IT WAS MEAN, AND IT WAS

MALICIOUS.

>> BUT THAT'S WHAT PRANKS ARE.

>> Jon: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

IS REAL ANYMORE, OKAY?

MAYBE EVERYTHING HERE IS A

PRANK.

>> WHAT?

MAYBE WHAT IS A PRANK?

>> Jon: MY LIFE, KIM.

MAYBE ME WITNESSING THE MURDER

WAS A PRANK.

MAYBE THEY SET THAT GUY UP.

MAYBE YOU COMING INTO THE RAGE

CAGE WAS A PRANK.

MAYBE YOU'RE AN ACTRESS AND THE

NETWORK HIRED YOU TO PRETEND

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME.

>> WOW!

YEAH. YEAH, MAYBE, UH, MAYBE

SUSAN WAS A PRANK.

MAYBE DAVID WAS A PRANK.

>> Jon: MAYBE! I DON'T KNOW!

>> THEY COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH

TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!

>> Jon: WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

STOP!

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH ME, OR ARE

YOU IN PRANK WITH ME?

>> I'M GOING FOR A WALK.

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

CAN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: EXACTLY RIGHT!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

>> OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT

YOU WANT TO SUE MIGHTY JOE JON

BECAUSE HE PRANKED YOU.

>> Jon: IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE HE

PRANKED ME.

HE'S -- HE'S TAKEN LAUGHTER, AND

HE'S MADE IT EMOTIONALLY

DAMAGING TO THE POINT OF

PSYCHOLOGICAL RAPE.

MY BRAIN WAS RAPED, BRYCE.

W-WE CAN'T SUE FOR THAT?

>> I'LL ADMIT, THAT'S VERY

COMPELLING.

I MEAN, IT IS. IT'S JUST TOUGH.

I MEAN, MAYBE WE COULD CLASSIFY

IT AS A HATE CRIME.

>> Jon: YES!

THAT'S IT, MAN.

IT'S A HATE CRIME!

LOOK AT ONE OF THE GUYS TRYING

TO KILL ME.

HE'S A COMEDIAN, FOR CRYING OUT

LOUD.

I MEAN, RIGHT?

>> WELL, IF WE COULD ESTABLISH A

CASE AND WIN, YOU'D BE ENTITLED

TO RIGHTS AS A SPECIAL VICTIM.

>> Jon: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I

AM.

CALL THE COURT. SET IT UP.

>> THERE'S NO PHONE CALLS

INVOLVED.

>> Jon: LET ME KNOW AFTER YOU

CALL COURT WHEN WE'RE ALL SET.

>> THERE'S NO PHONE CALLS

INVOLVED.

WE JUST FILE PAPERWORK.

>> Jon: WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM

DOWN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I GUESS THAT'S JUST

"MIGHTY JOE JON HE DOES IT!"

LAUGH AT HIM SOME MORE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MAYBE SUSAN WAS A PRANK.

MAYBE DAVID WAS A PRANK.

>> [ Echoing ] * THIS IS

"JON HE DOES IT!" *

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> HOW'S THE CONSPIRACY STUFF

GOING?

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

HI.

>> YOU KNOW, JON, FIRST YOU

SPENT ALL YOUR TIME ON THE PRANK

SHOW, AND NOW YOU'RE SPENDING

IT ALL ON THE LAWSUIT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME A

CALL WHEN YOU'RE READY TO GET

BACK INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP?

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

WHOA. WAIT RIGHT -- WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT.

SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA WALK OUT

THE DOOR, AND, WHAT, I-I CHASE

YOU?

I CHASE YOU DOWN THE HALL, AND,

OH, THERE'S MIGHTY JOE JON AND

A CAMERA CREW, AND IT'S A PRANK.

>> NO, 'CAUSE NOT EVERYTHING'S A

PRANK, JON.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED IN DAYS.

THIS IS...

I CAN'T BE A PART OF THIS.

>> Jon: KIM. KIM.

KIM.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

>> REALLY? WHY NOT?

>> Jon: BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT.

>> WOW. YOU HAVE REALLY GONE OFF

THE DEEP END.

I'M PREGNANT?

AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT AND

I WOULDN'T?

>> Jon: HEAR ME OUT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW HOW

MIGHTY JOE JON HAS BEEN ALL

LIKE, "IF IT'S YELLOW, YOU GOT

TO LET IT MELLOW," AND WE'VE

BEEN TRYING IT AT HOME?

ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU'VE BEEN

ALL, LIKE, HORMONAL LATELY AND

JUST MAD AT ME, AND I'M LIKE,

"OH, SOMETHING'S UP WITH KIM.

I'LL BET SHE'S PREGNANT."

I GOT A PREGNANCY TEST, AND WHEN

YOU WERE SLEEPING, I PUT IT IN

THE TOILET WITH YOUR PEE IN

THERE, AND IT WAS POSITIVE, AND

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!

>> WHERE'S THE PREGNANCY TEST?

>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?

>> WHERE'S THE LITTLE STICK YOU

STUCK IN THE TOILET BOWL?

>> Jon: UM...

OH, WHERE'D I PUT THAT?

OH, I-I DID IT, AND THEN I WAS

LIKE --

>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S NO

BIGGIE.

WE'LL JUST GO TO THE PHARMACY

AND GET ANOTHER TEST.

>> Jon: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

H-H-HOLD ON.

I-I'LL GET IT.

HERE. COME HERE. COME HERE.

YOU HAVE A SEAT.

YOU'RE A PREGNANT LADY. OKAY?

BYE, MOMMY.

WHAA!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Jon: I TOLD YOU!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Jon: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

>> NO!

>> Jon: LISTEN, I'M SORRY THAT I

DID THE OTHER THING FIRST.

LET'S JUST CALL THIS A FRESH

START, OKAY?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: FRESH START, OKAY?

>> OH, I LOVE YOU.

>> Jon: I LOVE YOU.

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE A BABY

WITH YOU!

>> AH!

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

>> I'M CALLING EVERYBODY!

>> Jon: I'M GONNA GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

I'LL COME OUT IN A SEC.

>> MOM, GET DAD ON THE PHONE!

HE GOT ME PREGNANT!

OH, THIS ONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE

GREAT.

>> Jon: CUTE! HAND WARMERS!

HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD, UH, GO

HOME, HAVE SOME UNPROTECTED SEX.

>> WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE BIRD TRIM WILL WORK IF IT'S

A BOY OR A GIRL.

>> Jon: I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S

CUTE.

YOU KNOW, WHAT WE COULD ALSO DO

IS GO HAVE SOME, UH, SOME SEX

RIGHT NOW.

BAREBACK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? YEAH?

>> NOPE.

OOH!

THAT'S GONNA BE US SOON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: OH, YEAH. MY GOD!

KIND OF GETTING ME HOT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HEAD HOME, HAVE

A LITTLE UNPROTECTED SEX.

>> OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS WITH YOU AND ALL THE

UNPROTECTED-SEX REQUESTS LATELY?

I'M ALREADY PREGNANT.

>> Jon: NO, I KNOW YOU ARE.

THAT'S MY POINT.

LET'S GET A LITTLE INSURANCE

SPERM IN THERE IN CASE YOU

BECOME UNPREGNANT.

>> OKAY, JON, WE HAVE TOO MUCH

TO DO TODAY.

WE HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

REMEMBER?

NO. NO!

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE

CANCELING AGAIN.

>> Jon: LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO SEE MY LAWYER, OKAY?

>> FINE.

JUST THINK ABOUT DROPPING THIS

LAWSUIT, OKAY?

>> Jon: OKAY. OKAY.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> HEY, BUDDY.

I'M HAVING A BABY, SO, UH, I GOT

TO DROP THE LAWSUIT.

Not really.

I'll call you later. Bye.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

HI, THERE.

>> HI.

>> Jon: CHECK IT OUT.

>> [ GASPS ]

WOW.

>> Jon: COMING ALONG.

>> HEY, YOU GOT A POSTCARD.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH? WHO FROM?

>> UH, I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: WHAT IS THIS?

>> WELL, ACCORDING TO THE

DOCTOR, IT'S A BOY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO.

>> Jon: HEY, UH, ROB, YOU WANT

TO WAIT IN THE HALL, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

>> JON, WHAT'S WRONG?

>> Jon: KIM, YOU CAN'T BE

PREGNANT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Jon: I MADE THE WHOLE THING

UP.

I PAID A PREGNANT WOMAN TO PISS

ON THE PREGNANCY STICK.

SO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW YOU WALK

IN THE DOOR WITH THIS.

>> OKAY, LOOK, UM...

JON...

THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN GREAT FOR

SOME TIME NOW.

YOU WERE DOING THE PRANK SHOW.

I NEVER SAW YOU.

I WAS UPSET. I WAS ANGRY.

AND I WENT TO TALK TO

MIGHTY JOE JON ABOUT IT.

AND, UM, WE HAD A COUPLE DRINKS.

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!

>> JON, I AM SO SORRY, OKAY?

I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I WAS JUST LONELY.

I LOVE YOU, BUT I HAVE

MIGHTY JOE JON'S BABY INSIDE OF

ME.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE SO

EASY TO BE ANGRY IF I DIDN'T

DESERVE ALL OF THIS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE

MIGHTY JOE JON'S BABY INSIDE

YOU, BUT YOU DO.

SOMETIMES SPERMICIDES DON'T WORK

OR CONDOMS BREAK.

>> WE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM.

>> Jon: PLEASE LET ME GET

THROUGH THIS.

LOOK, KIM...

ALL THIS JUST MAKES ME REALIZE

HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.

I PROMISE -- I PROMISE TO TAKE

CARE OF THIS PRANK BABY AS IF IT

WAS MY OWN ACTUAL REAL BABY.

>> OH, JON.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Jon: HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

GREAT.

MIGHTY JOE JON.

GREAT TIMING.

GO TO THE WINDOW?

OKAY.

WHAT'S, UH...

WHAT...

THE [BLEEP]

>> THAT'S JUST

"KIM SHE DOES IT!"

>> LOOK, IF WE GO TO COURT,

YOU'RE GONNA LOSE.

TAKE THE SETTLEMENT.

>> $5 MILLION?

JON, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

>> Jon: PSYCHOLOGICALLY RAPE ME

ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY RAPE ME TWICE,

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.

JON WILL SUE.

>> $2 MILLION.

>> Jon: OH, I'M SORRY.

ARE WE NEGOTIATING?

>> NO. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: IT'S OKAY.

BUT I ONLY NEGOTIATE WITH

NEGOTIA-SAURUS.

RAWR!

>> NO, JON.

I'M NOT GONNA NEGOTIATE WITH --

>> Jon: RAWR!

$3 MILLION.

>> $1 MILLION.

>> Jon: RAWR!

$2 MILLION.

>> $10,000.

>> OKAY, HANG ON.

>> Jon: RAWR!

$20,000.

>> $500.

>> Jon: RAWR!

DEAL!

>> NO.

>> Jon: YOU IDIOT!

I MADE YOU NEGOTIATE WITH A HAND

DINOSAUR!

LET'S GET LUNCH.

BRYCE, GOOD STUFF, BUDDY.

WE DID IT.

TOLD YOU.

RAWR!

>> * NO ONE PRANKS YOU LIKE

"JON HE CAN" *

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> * GOT A SITUATION

* THINK IT'S REAL

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> * BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'VE

BEEN PRANKED *

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"

>> * TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU

* HOW'S IT FEEL?

>> * THIS IS "JON HE DOES IT!"