Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YVGENY.

HOW IS LITTLE BROTHER?

>> Mike: IT'S SETH.

HE'S BEEN MURDERED.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> I'M MIGHTY JOE JON, THE

BLACK BLOND.

I'M YOUR NEW EXECUTIVE.

>> YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT TO DO.

WE TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

>> YES.

>> Mike: IT'S OBVIOUS THE

MIRMINSKYS HAVE STEPPED THINGS

UP.

THE GOVERNMENT'S LAUNCHED A

PROGRAM CALLED "OPERATION MANY

JONS."

>> Jon: DECOYS!

* BA DA BA-BA-DA-BA

>> All: FRRT!

>> QUOTES FROM HISTORY IF THEY

DRANK VODKA.

FDR -- "THE ONLY THING WE HAVE

TO FEAR IS...

RUNNING OUT OF VODKA."

>> THAT'S STUPID.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF ON

NATIONAL TV.

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE, TODD BARRY?

WHY DO YOU BOTHER COMING HERE

ALL THE TIME?

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE, TOUGH GUY,

HUH?

ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING

TO KILL JON OR SOMETHING?

>> KILLING JON IS TOO EASY.

KILLING THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM IS

MORE FUN.

I GET TO LOOK INSIDE HIS SOUL

AND WATCH IT CRUMBLE TO DUST.

I COULD MAKE JON SUICIDE HIMSELF

IF I WANT.

>> YOU THINK YOU ARE SUCH HOT

DIARRHEA.

YOU COULD NOT MAKE HIM DO IT.

>> IF I GET JON TO SUICIDE

HIMSELF BY END OF WEEK, YOU

LEAVE COMEDY BUSINESS FOREVER.

>> OKAY.

BUT IF YOU DON'T GET HIM TO KILL

HIMSELF...

YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY SHOWCASE.

>> DEAL.

>> DEAL.

>> I WILL CRAWL INSIDE JON'S

SOUL AND MAKE HIM SHRIEK FOR

MERCY.

>> Jon: OWW!

* LOOK OUT! IT'S THE WIGGLER!

* WATCH OUT FOR THE WIGGLER!

>> JON --

>> Jon: * BAMP, BA-BAMP, BOOM,

BAM BA-NAMP, BOW! *

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> JON...

>> Mike: IT'S OKAY.

I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE WIGGLER.

>> Jon: YEAH, HE'S SEEN THE

WIGGLER.

>> YOU GUYS, LIKE, SHOW

EACH OTHER?

>> Jon: WE DON'T SHOW EACH

OTHER.

IT'S JUST MORE LIKE -- YOU

SEE --

>> FALLS OUT.

>> Jon: SOMETIMES.

>> Mike: YEAH.

>> RIGHT. THAT MAKES SENSE.

OKAY. HEY, GOT YOU THIS.

I MADE IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HAPPY FOUR-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.

>> Jon: WOW. LOOK AT THIS.

WOW. FOUR MONTHS.

>> I KNOW.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> AND YOU -- THANK YOU FOR MY

NOTE.

>> Jon: UH, OKAY.

>> "KIM, FOUR MONTHS IS SHORT

TIME BUT FEELS LIKE FOREVER THAT

YOU HAVE BEEN SUNSHINE IN MY

HEART.

I AM HAVING PLAN FOR TODAY TO BE

MOST WONDERFUL DAY OF ROMANCE."

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

JON, IT'S OKAY THAT YOU WROTE ME

A LOVE LETTER.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

IT'S REALLY SWEET.

A-ARE YOU OKAY?

>> Jon: I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

IT'S A DEVOTION NECKLACE.

>> Susan: ARE YOU TWO

CELEBRATING YOUR LOVE OF THE

SEA?

>> Jon: UH, NO, WE ARE

CELEBRATING OUR FOUR-MONTH

ANNIVERSARY.

>> IS THAT A STARFISH?

>> Jon: YES, AND WHAT IT IS IS

ONE ARM FOR EACH MONTH, AND WHEN

THIS GOES ON, OKAY, IT'S OVER

BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

>> Susan: OKAY.

>> Jon: I MEAN, LIKE, OFFICIALLY

DONE.

>> Susan: NO, I'M SORRY.

DIDN'T WE GET DIVORCED, WHICH I

INITIATED?

>> Jon: NO. RIGHT.

NO, I KNOW, BUT I'M...

SUSAN, I'M SAYING WHEN I PUT

THIS ON, THAT'S OFFICIALLY IT.

THERE'S NO CHANGING YOUR MIND

LIKE, "I STILL LOVE JON.

LET'S ANNUL THE DIVORCE" -- NONE

OF THAT.

>> YOU CAN'T ANNUL A DIVORCE.

>> Jon: WHATEVER THE TERMINOLOGY

IS, THERE'S NO GOING BACK.

WHEN I PUT THIS ON, THIS

SIGNIFIES MY DEVOTION TO MY NEW

GIRLFRIEND, AND YOU AND I ARE

DONE.

>> Susan: OKAY.

>> Jon: "OKAY, SO, DON'T PUT IT

ON?"

>> Susan: "OKAY, YOU CAN PUT IT

ON."

>> Jon: NO MORE BONE ZONE.

>> HEY.

>> Susan: OH, BOY.

>> Jon: "HEY" WHAT?

>> Susan: YOU SHOULD WEAR THE

NECKLACE -- WITH PRIDE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. HERE IT GOES.

>> Susan: YEP.

>> Jon: ABOUT TO CLASP.

>> Susan: THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> Jon: "IT'S FANTASTIC, SO

DON'T PUT IT ON?"

>> Susan: "FANTASTIC TO PUT IT

ON.

WE'RE A GO."

>> Jon: HERE WE GO.

COMMENCING COUNTDOWN IN...

>> Susan: HERE WE GO -- 3, 2...

>> Jon: 5, 4...

>> Susan: ...1...

>> Jon: ...3...

>> Susan: ...2...

>> Jon: HOLDING LAUNCH.

BIRDS ON THE LAUNCHING PAD.

>> Susan: GOD HELP ME.

>> Jon: IT'S ON. IT'S ON.

>> Susan: FANTASTIC.

I-I-I DO HAVE SOME NEWS.

>> Jon: OH. OKAY.

>> Susan: UM...

>> Jon: WHAT IS IT?

>> Susan: ROB AND I, UM, ARE --

>> Susan: UM...

>> Jon: UH-HUH?

>> Susan: ROB HAS, UH, ASKED ME

TO CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

REALLY?

>> Susan: YEAH.

>> Jon: SUSAN, WE BROKE UP, YOU

GOT A NEW FEDERAL AGENT, AND

THAT GUY RESIGNED SO HE COULD BE

YOUR BOYFRIEND.

THEN YOU BROKE UP WITH THAT GUY

TO BE BOYFRIENDS WITH YOUR NEXT

AGENT, AND SO ON WITH THE NEXT

LIKE FIVE AGENTS.

AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE

CONVERTING TO CATHOLICISM FOR

ONE OF THESE GUYS?

>> Susan: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> Susan: 'CAUSE I FINALLY FOUND

THE RIGHT MAN.

>> AND I'M NOT "ONE OF THESE

GUYS."

SUSAN AND I HAVE A SPIRITUAL

CONNECTION, AS WELL AS A SEXUAL

ONE.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME TO

MAKE SURE THAT SUSAN'S ETERNAL

SOUL DOESN'T BURN IN HELL.

AND I DON'T WANT TO STEP ON ANY

DAD TOES HERE, BUT THE SAME GOES

FOR LITTLE DAVID, AS WELL.

>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> Susan: UH-HUH.

>> Jon: DAVID CAN MAKE HIS OWN

DECISION, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

>> DAVID, DO YOU WANT TO BURN IN

HELL?

>> David: I DON'T REALLY CARE.

>> Jon: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARE.

HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARE AS

LONG AS YOU BE JEWISH WHILE

YOU'RE NOT CARING.

>> Susan: WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO

GO, BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU,

JON, AS ALWAYS.

AND THE NECKLACE IS -- THAT'S A

KEEPER.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

DAVID, I'LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR,

IN ISRAEL.

>> David: IN JERUSALEM -- NEXT

YEAR, IN JERUSALEM.

>> Jon: WHICH IS IN ISRAEL.

>> YOU GOT THIS, YEAH?

>> Jon: YEAH, I GOT IT.

>> GOOD.

>> Jon: GOODBYE.

[ SIGHS ]

[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ]

YOU CAN COME IN.

[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ]

YOU CAN COME IN. I'M DONE.

WHAT ARE -- COME INSIDE THE

RESTAURANT!

MIKE! MIKE!

MIKE!

OH, MY GOD!

MIKE!

MIKE!!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

MIKE!

MIKE!

>> OKAY, EVERYONE, HERE'S THE

DEAL.

WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER MIKE'S

BEEN KILLED OR WHAT.

ALL WE KNOW IS THE MIRMINSKYS

GOT HIM.

ROB'S BEEN REASSIGNED TO JON.

I KNOW THIS IS NOT IDEAL, BUT

HE'S ALREADY UP TO SPEED, AND HE

KNOWS ALL THE PLAYERS INVOLVED.

WE'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING WE CAN

TO GET MIKE BACK.

IN THE MEANTIME, I WILL BE IN

CONSTANT CONTACT WITH

MIGHTY JOE JON, THE BLACK BLOND.

>> YOU GUYS WANT TO TAKE OFF?

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

OKAY, LOOK, I KNOW IT'S CRAP

TIMING, BUT I JUST WANTED TO

ASSURE YOU THAT I AM FULLY

CAPABLE OF KEEPING THIS WHOLE

SUSAN THING SEPARATE AND

REMAINING PROFESSIONAL, OKAY?

[ LAUGHS ]

COME HERE.

[ SIGHS ]

I'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE.

COME ON.

>> OH, BUDDY.

LOOK, YOU PROBABLY NEED YOUR

SPACE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU'RE FEELING ALL

GUILTY, LIKE THIS IS ALL YOUR

FAULT, SO I'M JUST GONNA...

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> OH, COME ON, HONEY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, WE'RE GONNA FIND MIKE,

OKAY?

>> Jon: SUSAN IS CONVERTING TO

CATHOLICISM.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> OH.

UH...

>> Jon: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS

ACTUALLY THINKING?

>> HM?

>> Jon: YOU SHOULD CONVERT TO

JUDAISM.

>> WOW. THAT'S, UM...

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU ARE REALLY UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Jon: IF YOU CONVERT TO

JUDAISM, IT SHOWS DAVID HOW

AWESOME IT IS TO BE JEWISH, AND

THEN HE'LL WANT TO STAY JEWISH.

COME ON. PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

Please be Jewish.

Please be Jewish.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH.

PLEASE BE JEWISH!

PLEASE BE JEWISH!

>> OH, MY GOD!

OKAY. I'LL BE JEWISH, OKAY?

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL

SHEETS FOR JEWS?

JEWS -- JEW SHEETS?

>> I KNOW.

I CAN PRACTICALLY SMELL YOU

THROUGH THE PHONE.

LISTEN, I GOT TO GO.

WE'RE BACK AT JON'S.

LOVE YOU. GO IN CHRIST.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

>> WHOA.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU GOT MY STUFF?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH, I THINK I GOT IT ALL.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND GOODBYE.

YOU DID YOUR JOB.

CONGRATULATIONS.

NOW YOU CAN GO TO YOUR HOLDING

ROOM.

>> HEY, WHO'S UP FOR SOME LUNCH?

GOT TO TELL YOU, I MAKE A PRETTY

MEAN CHEESE SANDWICH.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD

REALLY GO FOR?

SOME OF MIKE'S HALLAH FRENCH

TOAST.

>> [ Yiddish accent ] OY.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

I JUST BOUGHT YOU THIS HALLAH.

I'LL GO MAKE YOU SOME FRENCH

TOAST.

OH, AND YOU PUT THE MEAT ON THE

DAIRY SIDE OF THE FRIDGE.

WE'RE KOSHER NOW.

* DI-DI, DI-DI DI, DI-DI-DI...

>> Jon: HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA

TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, LET'S JUST

DROP IT.

>> I'M NOT TAKING IT ANY LESS

SERIOUS THAN YOU MAKING ME A

SHEET.

>> Jon: UH...EXCUSE ME?

>> OH, THE SEX SHEET YOU MADE

ME.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T MAKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME

FROM.

>> I'M SURE YOU ALSO DIDN'T

WRITE ME THIS LOVELY NOTE.

"TO KIM -- I AM IN ANTICIPATION

OF MAKING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS WITH

YOU THROUGH THIS JEWISH HOLE."

>> Jon: NO, I DIDN'T WRITE THE

CARD, AND I DIDN'T MAKE THE

SHEET.

I MEAN, DID I?

AM I LOSING MY MIND?

[ SCOFFS ]

AM I IN BONKERS TOWN HERE?

W-WHAT -- WHAT IS GOING ON?

>> MAN...

[ Normal voice ] THAT GUY'S SUCH

A DICK!

OH, HEY, THIS CAME IN THE MAIL

TODAY.

LET'S CHECK IT OUT.

[ SAD MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ CRYING ]

>> WHAT'S WRONG, HAMMER?

>> I'M JUST SAD BECAUSE WORKERS

ARE BEING EXPLOITED.

[ CRYING ]

>> HOW, HAMMER?

>> THEY'RE BEING FORCED TO WORK

UNDER TERRIBLE CONDITIONS WITH

LITTLE OR NO BENEFITS.

THEY SHOULD STRIKE.

>> THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.

THE END.

>> Susan: I JUST -- I KNOW IT

HASN'T BEEN EASY FOR YOU, AND I

JUST WANTED TO SAY IT WAS A

REALLY, REALLY NICE GESTURE.

>> YES. VERY COOL. THANK YOU.

>> Susan: DAVID, ISN'T THIS A

BEAUTIFUL CROSS YOUR FATHER GOT

ME?

>> David: I-I GUESS.

>> Jon: UH...

I DIDN'T GET THAT FOR YOU.

>> Susan: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

HERE'S A CARD.

"TO SUSAN -- I'M SUPPORTING OF

YOUR DECISION, JUST LIKE THIS

CROSS WAS SUPPORTING OF JESUS.

WITH LOVE, TO MY FORMER WIFE,

JON."

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

>> Jon: UH, YEAH.

LOOK, DAVID, WE GOT TO GET

GOING.

>> Susan: LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR

BIBLE, SWEETIE.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE NEEDS ROOM IN THERE FOR HIS

TORAH.

>> Susan: JON...

>> Jon: WE'RE GOOD.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

>> Susan: THERE ARE ALTERNATIVE

WAYS OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD,

AND DAVID HAS A CHOICE NOW, AND

HE LOVES CHOICE, DON'T YOU,

DAVID?

>> Jon: OF COURSE HE LOVES

CHOICE, BECAUSE HE'S ONE OF THE

CHOSEN PEOPLE.

>> DAD...

>> Susan: AND SO, THEREFORE, THE

ONLY DECISION THAT DAVID HAS TO

MAKE IS TO DO WHAT JESUS WOULD

DO.

>> Jon: JESUS WAS JEWISH.

>> Susan: HE WASN'T JEWISH!

>> Jon: HE...WAS...JEWISH!

>> Susan: HERE WE GO.

>> Jon: THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED

HIM "JEWSUS."

>> Susan: EVERY TIME.

LIKE CLOCKWORK.

>> Jon: "JEWSUS CHRIST."

>> David: OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!

LOOK, I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING

YOU GUYS ARE DOING FOR ME...

>> Jon: YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> David: ...BUT YOU GUYS ARE

DRIVING ME CRAZY!

YOU SAID THE DECISION IS MINE TO

MAKE, RIGHT?

>> Susan: RIGHT.

>> Jon: OF COURSE.

>> David: AND WHATEVER I CHOOSE,

YOU WILL BOTH SUPPORT THAT,

RIGHT?

>> Susan: OF COURSE, SWEETIE.

>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY.

>> David: WHAT I WANT, MORE THAN

ANYTHING...

IS TO BE A WOMAN.

>> David: SO, FIRST, I'M GETTING

ELECTIVE BILATERAL ORCHIECTOMY,

WHERE THEY REMOVE MY TESTICLES,

AND THEN I'M GETTING

VAGINOPLASTY, WHERE THEY REMOVE

THE ERECTILE TISSUE OF MY PENIS

AND SURGICALLY CONSTRUCT A

VAGINA.

>> DON'T FORGET THE HORMONE

TREATMENTS AND THE BREAST

IMPLANTS.

>> David: OH, YEAH.

A-A-AND MIGHTY JOE JON SAYS THE

NETWORK'S GONNA PAY FOR THE

WHOLE OPERATION.

>> Jon: WILL YOU PLEASE TALK TO

HIM -- GET THESE AWAY FROM ME?

>> [ Yiddish accent ] A PENIS

ISN'T ENOUGH?

NOW YOU NEED A VAGINA?

>> Jon: IN A NORMAL VOICE,

PLEASE!

THAT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

>> THIS IS MY NORMAL VOICE.

YOU WANT ME TO BE JEWISH, YOU

NOT WANT ME TO BE JEWISH.

NO WONDER YOUR SON IS CONFUSED.

>> David: I'M NOT CONFUSED!

I'M GETTING A VAGINA!

>> Jon: HEY!

WILL YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP,

OKAY?!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> THIS IS GOING EASIER THAN I

EXPECTED.

>> AND WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> Jon: THE HELL?

>> AND WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> All: NOW!

>> WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> All: NOW!

>> WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> AND WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> All: NOW!

>> Jon: LET'S, UH, LET'S GO

AROUND THE BACK.

>> WE GOT A PROTEST...

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> AND WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> All: NOW!

>> WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> Jon: GREAT.

[ SIGHS ]

GREAT. THIS IS GREAT.

>> HEY, JON.

[ IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE ]

SPECIAL DELIVERY FLYING IN.

>> Jon: JUST GIVE ME THE [BLEEP]

ENVELOPE, JAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

INSTEAD OF PLAYING AIRPLANE, DO

YOUR [BLEEP] JOB AND GET THE

ELEVATORS FIXED.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

AND THE NEW LOBBY SUCKS, BY THE

WAY!

>> OY!

THIS BROKEN ELEVATOR'S A LITTLE

GERFARLUFT FOR MY TASTES.

>> Jon: PLEASE, ENOUGH WITH THE

GIBBERISH.

I'M BEGGING YOU.

>> GIBBERISH? WHAT?

I'M SPEAKING YIDDISH.

>> Jon: RIGHT. YIDDISH.

DIEDELAY DIEDELAH DIEDLE!

DIEDELAH!

I SPEAK YIDDISH, TOO, OKAY?

I GET IT.

>> David: HEY, UH, DAD, WHEN

THEY TAKE MY NUGGETS OUT, DO YOU

THINK WE COULD GIVE THEM TO SOME

NEEDY THIRD WORLD KID OR

SOMETHING?

>> Jon: DAVID, I DON'T CARE

ANYMORE WHAT THEY DO.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I DON'T CARE.

[ SIGHS ]

"TODAY DOES NOT MAKE YOUR

BIRTHDAY, BUT HERE IS PRESENT

FOR YOU.

SIGNED, S.M."

WHO IS S.M.?

OH, MY GOD!

>> AAH!

>> Jon: DON'T LOOK! DON'T LOOK!

GET HIM DOWNSTAIRS!

GET HIM DOWNSTAIRS!

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> Jon: MIKE! MIKE!

>> I NEED AN AMBULANCE AND

BACKUP TO LOCATION ZERO TANGO

RIGHT NOW!

>> THANK YOU FOR MY NOTE.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.

SUSAN IS CONVERTING TO

CATHOLICISM.

I DIDN'T GET THAT FOR YOU.

>> WE'RE KOSHER NOW.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T MAKE THAT.

DID I?

>> David: I'M GETTING A VAGINA!

>> Jon: WHO IS S.M.?

AM I IN BONKERS TOWN?

MIKE! MIKE! MIKE! MIKE! MIKE!

MIKE!

OH, MY GOD, MIKE! NO!

OH, MY GOD!

>> JON!

>> Jon: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

[ CRYING ]

>> JON!

>> AND WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> All: BENEFITS!

>> WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

>> All: NOW!

>> HOLY [BLEEP]

>> All: HOLY [BLEEP]

>> HOLY [BLEEP]

>> HOLY [BLEEP] YES!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> Jon: MIKE!

>> JON!

>> Jon: MIKE!

>> JON!

[ SIREN WAILS ]

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> MAKE READY FOR SAYING GOODBYE

TO COMEDY, YVGENY.

[ SIREN WAILING ]

>> JON, STOP!

JON!

>> Jon: [ SCREAMING ]

>> JON!

JON!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Jon: [ SCREAMING ]

>> JON!

JON! J--

HE'S HEADING INTO THE BUILDING.

JON!

>> JON? JON?

HERE WE GO.

JON, EVERYBODY IS HERE TODAY

BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU AND THEY

ALL HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT TO

SHARE.

>> UM, JON?

HONEY, I-I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT

TAKING MY CONVERSION TO JUDAISM

MORE SERIOUSLY.

>> SO, HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU

FEEL?

>> Jon: [ GRUNTING ]

[ Australian accent ] WHERE'S

THE WATER?

WHERE'S THE BEACH?

>> OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS BRODY.

HE'S AN AUSTRALIAN SURFER.

BRODY REPRESENTS JON'S ID.

VERY, VERY CONFIDENT, VERY

OUTGOING.

>> Jon: HOW YOU DOIN', MATE?

WHO'S THIS LOVELY SHEILA?

BEAUTIFUL EYES.

>> DAVID, DEAR.

>> Jon: STEP ON UP, DAVID.

>> David: HEY, DAD.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> David: I DON'T WANT TO REALLY

BE A WOMAN.

I WAS JUST -- I WAS JUST MAD AT

YOU AND MOM.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

[ Hispanic accent ] JUAN ISN'T

HERE RIGHT NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS CARLOS.

HE MAKES DELICIOUS STREET TACOS.

CARLOS TENDS TO DEAL WITH JON'S

DEEPEST FEARS AND INSECURITIES.

>> Jon: HEY, MAN.

I HEARD YOU'RE THE GUY WHO'S

GOING TO, UH, SLIP HIS SHRIMP

OUT OF HIS TACO, EH?

GET A LITTLE CHIMICHANGA DOWN

THERE, RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU COME OVER AND SEE

CARLOS AFTER THE OPERATION?

I'LL SHOW YOU MY CHORIZO

BURRITO.

WE'LL GET THESE TWO TOGETHER,

EH?

>> Susan: ALL RIGHTY.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> JON, HOW DOES YOUR SON'S

APOLOGY MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

[ Chicago accent ] I DON'T

UNDERSTAND, PERSONALLY, WHY

PEOPLE AREN'T MORE EXCITED TO

SEE ME WHEN I WALK IN THE ROOM.

HUH?

>> IT'S DENNIS FARINA.

>> Susan: OH!

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU GUYS EVER SEE

MY PERFORMANCE IN "JO JO DANCER,

YOUR LIFE IS CALLING"?

PRETTY UNDERRATED PERFORMANCE,

RIGHT?

WE WATCH IT A LOT AT THE

HOSPITAL.

>> YES.

>> Jon: WHO'S THIS GUY?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, 'STACHE?

>> HEY, JON, UM...

[ Voice breaking ] I'M SORRY

ABOUT BEING SILLY WITH YOUR

ENVELOPE.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> I WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE

SOME FUN.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> OH, HEY, THEY FIXED THE

ELEVATORS.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> HEY, MAN, UM, I'M SORRY I

SAID THAT MIKE'S KIDNAPPING WAS

YOUR FAULT.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> OH, NO.

OH, HE'S IN THE CORNER.

HE'S...IN THE CORNER.

>> [ Voice breaking ] OH,

SWEETIE.

>> Jon: AAH!

>> AAH! OH, MY GOD!

>> Jon: [ GRUNTING, SCREAMING ]

>> [ Crying ] OH, MY GOD!

>> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> [ CRYING ]

>> NO MORE NOISE.

>> WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

>> CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, NO SUDDEN MOVES.

NO LOUD NOISES.

>> I GOT AN IDEA.

GIVE ME FIVE HOURS.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, JAY.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU HANG THAT BEHIND YOUR DESK.

NOW YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE YOU KNOW

DENNIS FARINA.

>> WOW. THANKS, DENNIS.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> THANK GOODNESS.

>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]

>> OH, JON.

I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO

SEE YOU.

>> [ Synthesized ] HEY, JON.

MY BUDDY. HOW YOU DOIN'?

>> Jon: [ As Carlos ] JON'S NOT

HERE.

JON'S SCARED.

>> AW, DON'T BE SCARED, CARLOS.

COME ON. LET ME TALK TO JON.

>> Jon: MIKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

DEAD.

>> U-UH, NO. NO.

I WAS JUST SLEEPING.

I HAD TO GO ON MY VACATION TO

VAIL, AND JON RAN AWAY BEFORE I

WOKE UP.

I BROKE MY LEG SKIING.

OTHERWISE, I'D GET UP AND GIVE

YOU A HUG.

>> Jon: [ As Brody ] MAYBE I CAN

GIVE YOU A HUG.

>> OF COURSE YOU CAN, BRODY.

OH, HEY, THAT REMINDS ME.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY

CALLED ONE OF THE SLOPES UP

THERE.

HERE -- UNDER MY ARM.

I GOT YOU A T-SHIRT.

>> Jon: [ As Dennis Farina ] OH,

MY GOD.

THERE'S ANOTHER WIGGLER.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW,

MIKE?

>> WELL, I'M, UH, GOING BACK TO

FLORIDA TO RUN MY FAMILY'S

HARDWARE STORE, AND I THOUGHT

I'D COME BY AND SAY GOODBYE.

HEARD YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT ME.

WELL, GOODBYE, JON.

HERE I GO.

>> Susan: OH, GOD.

[ THUD ]

[ THUD ]

OH!

>> WHOA, WHOA. OKAY.

>> Jon: DO YOU NEED HELP, MIKE?

>> NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I CAN GET IT.

ON MY WAY OUT.

HEY -- OH!

OH, UH -- OKAY.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ Normal voice ] GOODBYE, OLD

FRIEND.

>> JON, WHO JUST SAID GOODBYE?

>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

I DID. WHO ELSE WOULD SAY IT?

WAIT -- HOLD ON A SECOND.

DENNIS FARINA WAS HERE, AND NO

ONE COMES TO GET ME?

HE'S MY FAVORITE ACTOR!

THANKS A LOT.

A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE.

YOU KNOW I DO AN AWESOME FARINA.

THEN HE'D LOOK AT ME AND GO,

"OH, MY GOD.

YOU DO ME SO GREAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S LIKE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR,

THIS GUY."

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY. HERE'S ONE.

"ASK NOT WHAT YOUR VODKA CAN DO

FOR YOU.

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR

VODKA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ FORCED LAUGH ]

AH! SO FUNNY!

SO FUNNY, YVGENY!

HA HA HA HA!

AAAAAAAAH HA HA HA!!

OH, YEAH!

>> CAN WE PLEASE HAVE HIM

REMOVED, PLEASE?

>> Jon: [ As Dennis Farina ] YOU

KNOW, I LIKE TO DO, UH, MY

DENNIS FARINA SOMETIMES AT

PARTIES, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE,

UH, THEY'LL ASK -- THEY'LL ASK

AFTER LIKE, "ARE YOU REALLY FROM

CHICAGO?"

AND I'LL, YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL

THEM, "OF COURSE NO, I'M NOT.

NOT -- NOT -- I'M NOT FROM

THERE."

AND THEY CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT

FROM CHICAGO, AND I'M NOT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

YOU SOUND LIKE IT."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

I'M NOT. I'M NOT FROM CHICAGO."