Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK

CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

I'M JON, BY THE WAY.

>> KIM.

>> Jon: GOT ME A GIRLFRIEND.

STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH.

START YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

>> I'M RAY, YOUR CADDY FOR THE

DAY.

I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE

MYSELF.

>> Jon: IS THAT A FAKE MUSTACHE?

>> NO.

>> HEY, IT'S AMERICA'S NEWEST

REALITY-TV STAR.

>> Jon: YOU SENT THE CAMERA CREW

TO COVER THE GUY TRYING TO KILL

ME?

ARE YOU INSANE?

>> I'M JUST GLAD THAT CARS DON'T

RUN ON VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ GRUNTS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> Jon: STILL ALIVE!

>> SERGEI MIRMINSKY?

>> DA.

>> YOUR BROTHER YVGENY IS NO

LONGER IN CHARGE OF KILLING JON.

WE WANT YOU TO DO IT.

>> IT'S ABOUT TIME.

>> BUT YOU ARE NOT TO KILL HIM

RIGHT AWAY.

WE WANT YOU TO START PICKING OFF

EVERYONE AROUND HIM, ONE BY ONE.

>> YES.

FIRST YOU KILL THE SOUL, THEN

YOU KILL THE MAN.

WHO DO YOU WANT KILLED FIRST?

>> ENTIRELY UP TO YOU.

JUST PICK ANYONE TO BEGIN.

SO...WE'RE GOOD?

>> YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.

THIS WILL BE A PLEASURE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOKS LIKE SEASON 2 OF

"DELOCATED!" IS GONNA BE PRETTY

AMAZING.

>> I START WITH YOU.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> * BA-BA BA-BA

* BA BA-DA DA

* LA-LA LA-LA

>> * YEAH, YEAH

>> * BA-BA BA-BA

* BA BA-DA DA

* LA-LA LA-LA

>> Jon: HEY, JAY!

GOT YOU SOMETHING, BUDDY.

HEADS-UP. COMING THROUGH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU SHAVED.

>> WHAT?

>> OH. YEAH.

YEAH.

>> Jon: IT WORKS FOR YOU, BUDDY.

KEEP THAT LOOK.

DYNAMITE.

* SQUEE-BOP

* SQUEE-DE-LOP SQUEE-BOP

* A-SQUEE-DOP

* THERE IS THE GIRLFRIEND OF THE

GUY WHOSE SHOW JUST GOT PICKED

UP *

* YEAH

>> [ CHUCKLES ] JON --

>> Jon: NO, NO, NO. HOLD ON.

GOT YOU SOME CELEBRATORY ROSES.

AND, UH...BOOP!

[ French accent ] HELLO!

IT'S ME -- MONSIEUR BAGUETTE.

[ Normal voice ] OH, AND MIKE'S

NEPHEW WAS SELLING CHOCOLATES

FOR HIS SOCCER TEAM.

I GOT YOU A COUPLE BOXES OF

THOSE.

>> JON --

>> Jon: HOLD ON. JUST LISTEN.

I GOT ONE MORE THING.

I KNOW THINGS WERE CRAZY AT THE

END OF SEASON 1.

THINGS ARE GONNA BE GREAT FOR

SEASON 2.

>> PLEASE DON'T REFER TO OUR

LIFE AS "SEASONS."

>> Jon: OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE

FEELING THE SAME WAY, 'CAUSE YOU

ARE PACKING FOR A MUCH-NEEDED

VACATION.

>> JON, I'M NOT PACKING FOR A

VACATION.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STAY

HERE.

WE'LL HAVE A STAYCATION.

OR EVEN BETTER.

CHECK INTO THE HOTEL JON.

HAVE A LAYCATION.

CHECK INTO THE MEAT SUITE.

* UP AND DOWN ALL NIGHT, MAKE

YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT AT THE MEAT

SUITE *

>> NOT GONNA STAY IN THE MEAT

SUITE.

>> Jon: * YOU'LL BE THE PILLOW

AT THE MEAT SUITE *

WE'LL DO A LITTLE...

* JONKE-CHE-KONK

* KA-CHONK-A-CHONK-KA-CHONK

>> NOPE.

>> Jon: * MEAT SUITE MARATHON

TONIGHT *

* MEAT SUITE MARATHON, FEEL ALL

RIGHT *

>> JON, I'M BREAKING UP WITH

YOU.

>> Jon: * BA-NAH-BA --

WHAT'S THAT?

>> I SAID I'M BREAKING UP WITH

YOU, BECAUSE I JUST --

>> Jon: WHAT IS IT?

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR FACE.

>> Jon: WHAT'S UP, BIG RY?

HOW'S THAT BIKE RIDE, DUDE?

GIVE ME TWO.

>> WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE

TO GO ON THE BIKE RIDE YET.

ALL WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IS

HOW MUCH SHE HATES YOUR FACE.

>> RYAN.

>> Jon: EXCUSE ME?

>> YEAH. TELL HIM.

>> JON, HONEY, WHEN YOU CAME TO

THE FUNERAL HOME WITHOUT YOUR

MASK ON, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I

HAD SEEN YOUR FACE.

>> Jon: YOU WERE PSYCHED, RIGHT?

>> I LOVE YOU, JON.

IT'S JUST YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE

PHYSICALLY.

>> Jon: SWEETIE, I HEAR WHAT

YOU'RE SAYING, BUT COME ON.

I GOT THE MASK BACK.

USE THE POWER OF IMAGINATION.

I CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT UNDER

HERE.

>> I TRIED THAT.

I JUST KEEP PICTURING YOUR FACE.

AND --

>> ASK HER ABOUT THE POEM.

>> RYAN, THAT WAS SOMETHING I

SENT TO YOU.

>> WELL, I PUT IT UP ON THE

INTERNET.

>> WHAT?!

>> YEAH.

>> TAKE IT DOWN.

>> I CAN'T.

IT'S ALREADY OUT THERE.

>> RYAN.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I'LL TAKE IT DOWN.

>> YEAH -- TODAY.

>> OKAY.

>> GET UP! GO!

>> Jon: HIT THE ROAD, JACK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Jon: LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT

POEM.

>> IT'S REALLY NOTHING TO TALK

ABOUT.

IT WAS JUST SOMETHING I WROTE

WHEN I WAS FRUSTRATED.

>> Jon: DOESN'T SOUND LIKE

NOTHING.

IT'S ON THE INTERNET.

>> YEAH, BUT IT'S NOTHING.

>> Jon: YEAH, BUT IT'S ON THE

INTERNET.

>> YEAH, BUT IT'S --

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Mike: YES.

YEAH, HE -- HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU --

I'LL TELL HIM.

IT'S SETH.

HE'S BEEN MURDERED.

>> Jon: WHAT?!

WAIT. LIKE FIRED?

>> Mike: HE'S DEAD.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> JON, I'M SO SORRY.

>> Jon: HE'S DEAD?

LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS JOB

ANYMORE?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

IS THIS TV LINGO?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> Mike: HE'S GONE.

>> Jon: HOW IS HE CALLING YOU ON

THE PHONE IF HE'S DEAD?

HOW CAN HE BE MURDERED AND CALL

YOU?

>> Mike: THE AGENCY CALLED ME.

THEY FOUND HIS BODY.

HE'S DEAD.

>> LOOK, BABY, W-WE'RE GONNA GET

THROUGH THIS TOGETHER, OKAY?

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

>> Jon: TALK ABOUT A FRRT.

[ RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY! YOU MADE IT!

HEY, THIS IS MY FRIEND AND

FELLOW COMEDIAN TODD BARRY.

>> HOW'S IT GOING?

>> HEY!

[ ALL SINGING IN RUSSIAN ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YVGENY.

HOW IS LITTLE BROTHER?

HEY, DID YOU ALL HEAR?

YVGENY IS NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF

KILLING JON.

I GET THE CALL LAST WEEK, AND

THEY SAY, "SERGEI, WE NEED YOU.

WE NEED A REAL MAN.

WE NEED A REAL MIRMINSKY TO GET

THE JOB DONE."

LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE.

NO, TH DIDN'T SAY, "LET'S HAVE

SOME CAKE."

I'M SAYING NOW -- LET'S HAVE

SOME CAKE.

[ BLOWS ]

WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE?

IT'S MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY!

LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE!

COME ON! LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE!

EAT THE CAKE!

COME, YVGENY.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE STILL NEEDED.

YOU WILL BE MY DRIVER.

>> HEY. HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M TODD BARRY.

COMEDIAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

CRAZY NIGHT, HUH?

>> Jon: SHOULDN'T YOU NOT BE

EATING THOSE?

>> Mike: OH.

I'M JUST TAKING A LITTLE FROM

EACH BOX.

NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

>> NO!

NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!

OKAY, LOOK, I'M GONNA HANG UP.

I WANT YOU TO CLEAN YOUR EARS

OUT, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THANK YOU.

JON, MIKE, IT'S AN ABSOLUTE

PLEASURE.

I'M MIGHTY JOE JON, THE BLACK

BLOND.

I'M YOUR NEW EXECUTIVE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

MIGHTY JOE JON, THE BLACK

BLOND.

I'M YOUR NEW EXECUTIVE.

ALL RIGHT?

[ CLAPS HANDS ]

LET'S DO IT UP!

JON, I THINK YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY

RIGHT WITH KIM.

YOU NEED TO START THINKING OF

YOUR LIFE IN SEASONS.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?

>> AND I LOVE IT WHEN YOU MAKE

THE "FRRT" NOISE.

BUT WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME BETTER

RE-ACKS FROM YOU.

>> Jon: WHAT'S A RE-ACK?

>> REACTIONS. RE-ACK.

CHECK THAT OUT.

STUDY IT. OKAY?

HERE'S THE NEXT THING!

I HAVE BEEN IN TALKS WITH

C+C MUSIC FACTORY ABOUT THEM

REMAKING THEIR BIG HIT.

BUT INSTEAD, THIS TIME, IT'S

CALLED -- WHAT'S THAT SAY?

>> Jon: "THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO

FRRT."

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> LOOK, GUYS, CRAZY DAY.

A LOT OF BAD STUFF HAS HAPPENED.

SO I GOT TO FLY.

BUT, UH...

ANY NOTES? WE ALL GOOD?

>> Jon: UH...

>> ALL RIGHT. GOOD.

GOOD MEETING, GUYS.

>> Mike: WHAT A DICK.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF LIKED HIM.

>> HEY!

MY TWO FAVORITE RUSSKIES!

MIKE JOE JON, THE BLACK BLOND.

WHAT'S UP?

>> SHUT UP! STOP TALKING!

SIT!

>> Jon: SEE YOU, BUDDY!

PSYCHED FOR THE BOOK!

>> FIRST OF ALL, THE WHOLE THING

ABOUT NOT KILLING JON BUT

KILLING THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM --

YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT TO DO.

WE TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

UNDERSTAND?

>> YES.

>> WE WILL TORMENT JON'S SOUL

UNTIL IT DRIVES HIM TO MADNESS.

THE WORLD WILL KNOW THE

MIRMINSKYS FOR WHO WE REALLY

ARE -- A FORCE TO BE FEARED, NOT

BE REVILED, LIKE THIS BUMBLING

VODKA-LOVING KAFLOOTZ WHO ISN'T

FUNNY.

>> SHUT UP. I AM F--

>> YOU'RE NOT, YVGENY!

IN ANY CASE, IT IS NOT A SILLY

COMEDY ANYMORE.

IT'S A SILLY DRAMA, BECAUSE I

SAY SO.

UNLESS...YOU WANT TO MEET WITH

THE SAME FATE AS SETH.

>> UH, NO.

YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AGREE.

>> OH.

OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> GREAT.

>> [ Chuckling ] GREAT.

>> GIVE ME YOUR JACKET.

>> HMM?

>> YOUR JACKET -- I LIKE IT!

GIVE IT TO ME!

>> THIS ONE, RIGHT?

>> YES.

NICE.

>> HEY, GOOD NOTES, YOU GUYS.

>> HEY, HONEY, CAN I ASK YOU

SOMETHING WITHOUT YOU GETTING

MAD?

>> Jon: PROBABLY NOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: OF COURSE YOU CAN.

>> UM...

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD STOP

WEARING ALL THE BEARDS AND THE

WIGS?

>> Jon: NO WAY.

NOT UNTIL WE FIND A SWEET LOOK

THAT TAKES YOUR MIND OFF MY

FACE.

MAYBE THIS LOOK RIGHT HERE,

IT'LL INSPIRE ANOTHER POEM.

YOU CAN PUT IT ON YouTube.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?

>> MAYBE I WILL.

>> Mike: YEAH?

YEAH.

ALL R-- ALL RIGHT.

RAY'S JUST BEEN MURDERED.

>> Jon: WHAT?

WAS IT THE MIRMINSKYS?

>> SWEETIE, I'M SO SORRY.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

WHY RAY?!

HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF

THIS!

GOD!

NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

[ GRUNTS ]

OH, MY GOD! IT'S CRAZY!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

HE IS ALREADY LOSING HIS MIND.

I'M GOING TO ENJOY THIS, YVGENY.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD! HE'S DEAD!

OH, MY GOD!

>> UH-HUH.

YES!

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS

TALKING ABOUT, MAN!

GREAT RE-ACK!

LOOK, I'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL

MORNING WITH GREGSON FOODS.

YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT A

LINE OF JON-INSPIRED SNACKS.

CHECK THIS OUT.

IT'S NOT BEEF JERKY.

IT'S GRIEF JERKY.

BOOM!

HMM?

>> Jon: YEAH. CATCHY NAME.

>> BUDDY, LOOK, I KNOW PEOPLE

ARE DYING ALL AROUND YOU, BUT IF

YOU KEEP FLIPPING OUT THE WAY

YOU ARE, WE'RE GONNA BE FLIPPING

ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!

HMM?

* FLIPPIN' ALL THE WAY TO THE

BANK *

* FLIPPIN' ALL THE WAY TO THE

BANK *

YOU SING IT.

>> Jon: * FLIPPIN' ALL THE WAY

TO THE BANK *

* FLIPPIN' ALL THE WAY TO THE

BANK *

>> SING IT.

>> Jon: * FLIP IT

* BANK IT

* DEPOSIT THE MONEY

>> MM!

>> Jon: * FLIP BANK

* FLIP TO THE FLIP BANK

* FLIP

[ LAUGHS ]

>> I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

OH, AND I LOVE THE WIGS AND THE

MUSTACHE -- ALL THAT STUFF.

GREAT TOUCH.

>> Jon: KIM IS GONNA BLOW HER

LOAD WHEN SHE SEES THIS.

AM I RIGHT?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Mike: HELLO?

YEAH.

UH, YEAH. UM...

YEAH. OKAY.

WE NEED TO TALK.

>> HELLO?

YEAH, I-I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

JON'S PARENTS WERE MURDERED.

>> Jon: [ CRYING ]

>> KIM.

MIGHTY JOE JON, THE BLACK BLOND.

I'M THE NEW TV EXECUTIVE.

>> NOT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.

HI, BABY.

HI, SWEETIE.

HI.

IT'S OKAY.

>> Jon: [ CRYING ]

>> IT'S OKAY. SHH.

HEY. HEY.

SHH.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

OKAY?

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Jon: UH, HEY, MAN, GET YOUR

HANDS OFF MY GIRL.

[ LAUGHING ]

>> WHAT IN THE [BLEEP] IS GOING

ON?!

>> Jon: I GOT A PERM!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Mike: IT'S OBVIOUS THE

MIRMINSKYS HAVE STEPPED THINGS

UP.

THE GOVERNMENT'S LAUNCHED A

PROGRAM CALLED "OPERATION MANY

JONS."

WE'VE DISPATCHED A GROUP OF

DECOYS.

SEND THEM IN.

>> Jon: DECOYS!

HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK AT THIS.

>> Mike: NOW, THE DECOYS WILL BE

IN HOLDING RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

IF JON NEEDS TO GO DOWNSTAIRS TO

THE CORNER GROCERY TO BUY TOILET

PAPER, A DECOY GOES DOWN.

IF JON NEEDS TO GO FOR A JOG, A

DECOY GOES DOWN AND JON GOES TO

THE FITNESS CENTER.

>> JON, ARE YOU PARENTS DEAD?

>> Jon: NOPE.

>> HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME?!

>> Jon: HEY! [BLEEP]

STOP IT! RELAX!

WE GOT TO MAKE SURE THIS DECOY

THING WORKS, OKAY?

THAT'S WHY I DID IT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO

DIE?

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?

YES OR NO?

>> NO. OF COURSE NOT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, THEN TAKE IT

EASY ABOUT ME PRETENDING MY

PARENTS WERE KILLED.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

>> Mike: IF WE CAN'T FOOL YOU,

WE'RE NOT GONNA FOOL ANYBODY.

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

>> Mike: ALL RIGHT, GUYS, YOU

CAN GO BACK TO HOLDING.

>> Jon: WAIT. HOLD ON, GUYS.

I WANT TO DO THAT THING. READY?

* BA DA BA-BA-DA-BA

>> All: FRRT!

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THAT WAS GREAT.

>> Mike: HEY, NO ONE'S BOUGHT

ANY CANDY YET.

>> [ Distorted ] HEY, KIM...

[ Normal voice ] I'M SO SORRY WE

HAD TO MEET LIKE THIS.

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO

WORKING WITH YOU GUYS.

I'M ALSO AN ACTOR.

>> WOW.

>> I'M DOING AN OFF-BROADWAY

SHOW RIGHT NOW.

ACTUALLY, IT'S OFF-OFF-BROADWAY.

BUT I'D LOVE FOR YOU GUYS TO

COME TONIGHT.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> LOVE FOR YOU TO BE THERE.

>> YEAH, I'LL TAKE ONE.

SWEET.

>> I HOPE YOU GUYS CAN MAKE IT.

>> BYE.

>> BYE.

>> LOOK, KIM, THIS IS GONNA BE

GREAT, OKAY?

THE MORE JONS WE HAVE, HOPEFULLY

WE GET SOME MORE DEATHS.

THE MORE DEATHS, BETTER RATINGS.

THAT'S GOOD FOR YOU AND JON.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> IT'S GOOD FOR ALL OF US.

>> Jon: I AGREE.

>> OKAY, LOOK, IT'S BEEN A CRAZY

WEEK.

I SAY WE ALL DESERVE A FUN NIGHT

ON THE TOWN.

HUH?

WHO'S UP FOR SOME THEATER?

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> YVGENY, WHY DO YOU SPEND SO

MUCH TIME ON COMPUTER?

>> I'M STARTING A BLOG.

>> A BLOG?

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MEAN

STARTING A VODKA?

I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WRITE

IN YOUR BLOG.

HMM.

TONIGHT, JON GOES BACK TO BEING

BACHELOR.

>> HEY, HONEY, I INVITED RYAN

TONIGHT.

>> Jon: OH, SERIOUSLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT TONIGHT WE'D, UH, KEEP

IT A TWOSOME.

HMM?

A LITTLE ME-PLUS-YOU-SOME.

>> OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

>> Jon: GRIEF JERKY.

YOU TRY IT YET?

>> NO.

>> Jon: IT'S GOOD.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> WHY DON'T YOU BRUSH YOUR

TEETH BEFORE WE LEAVE?

>> Jon: YEAH. NO PROBS.

>> Mike: ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

OH, YEAH!

LOOK AT THIS, HONEY.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH.

[ LAUGHS ]

TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLEJON OUT

HERE.

>> Mike: AND NOBODY GO TO THE

CONCESSION STAND.

I'VE GOT CANDY.

>> HEY.

DID YOU DELETE THAT POEM YET?

>> I TRIED.

IT'S ALREADY GONE VIRAL, THOUGH.

>> WHAT?

>> SORRY.

>> RYAN --

>> SORRY.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH. I'M INTO THAT.

THERE WE GO.

>> PLEASE, JON.

>> Jon: JUST A LITTLE PIECE

BEFORE THE SHOW.

THIS WHOLE DECOY THING'S PRETTY

EXCITING, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF

GETTING ME HOT.

>> HMM.

>> Jon: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT

OF HERE, HEAD BACK TO THE

HOTEL JON.

>> YEAH, WE'RE NOT GOING

ANYWHERE TILL YOUR BREATH

DOESN'T STINK LIKE THAT JERKY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE YOU

GO "FRRT."

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: WE GOT A FUNNY BONES

OVER HERE.

Here we go.

Hey, Spock, set cellphones to

vibrate.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> A NICE NIGHT AT THE THEATER

IS GOING TO END IN MURDER.

SORT OF LIKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

GUESS THAT MAKES ME

JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

OR IS IT JOHN WILKES VODKA?

>> I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR

15 MINUTES.

WHAT? DO NOT PUT ME ON HOLD.

DO NO PUT ME ON HOLD.

>> I CAN TELL SHE'S ONE OF THOSE

GIRLS WHO SETTLES.

WELL, SETTLING IS FOR PEOPLE IN

COVERED WAGONS.

NOT FOR PEOPLE IN LOVE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT WE'RE ALL

SEARCHING FOR?

LOVE?

IF I HAD A GIRL LIKE THAT, I

WOULD TREAT HER LIKE AN ANGEL.

I WANT TO RUN OVER THERE RIGHT

NOW, AND I WANT TO SAY, "DON'T

YOU SEE?!

HE'S NOT THE ONE!"

MAYBE SHE'S THINKING THERE'S

SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE WHO'S

BETTER.

MAYBE SHE'S THINKING THAT

SOMEONE ELSE IS ME.

>> YOU ARE A GREAT

DISAPPOINTMENT, YVGENY.

YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

AND YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO

THE FAMILY.

>> "WHAT I THINK OF YOU," BY

ANONYMOUS.

>> THAT WAS FANTASTIC!

I MEAN, JON'S DECOY IS REALLY

GOOD.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD. COME ON.

HE'S TERRIBLE.

KIM, COME ON.

LET'S JUST HOPE HE DOES A MUCH

BETTER JOB AS MY DECOY, OR YOU,

MY DEAR, ARE IN A WHOLE HEAP OF

FRRT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST HE'S NOT

UGLY.

>> Jon: OKAY, AND WHO ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT?

>> "WHAT I THINK OF YOU."

"YOURS IS A FACE THAT I THOUGHT

I KNEW.

BUT THEN ONE DAY, QUITE OUT OF

THE BLUE..."

>> "THE REAL YOU IS REVEALED TO

ME.

I'M SORRY TO SAY I DON'T LIKE

WHAT I SEE."

>> "EXPRESSING MYSELF WOULD HELP

THE HURT HEAL.

BUT I HOLD IN MY FEELINGS, AND

THEY START TO CONGEAL."

>> "A BABY WITH YOUR FACE WOULD

BE UGLY DOUBLED, THEN CUBED."

>> "SO I TOOK EXTREME MEASURES

AND TIED MY TUBES."

>> THAT PART, I -- DOES NOT

APPLY TO YOU.

BUT I REALLY LIKE IT.

>> "THOUGH I HAVE BEEN

CONFLICTED, I HAD TO BE

STRAIGHT.

NOW THE BALL'S IN YOUR COURT."

>> Both: "WILL IT BOUNCE OR

DEFLATE?"

>> Jon: KIM.

>> [ Chuckling ] HEY. GREAT JOB.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Mike: BRAVO TEAM COMING UP

FRONT.

>> "WILL IT BOUNCE OR DEFLATE?"

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU ARE PATHETIC, YVGENY.

YOU ARE A LITTLE BOY.

THERE SHE IS.

>> GIVE ME THAT!

>> YVGENY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GIVE ME THE GUN.

GET BACK IN THE --

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> Jon: KIM!

>> Mike: I GOT SHOTS FIRED.

I GOT A DECOY DOWN.

LET'S PULL UP TRANSPORTATION

NOW!

>> Jon: BABE, YOU OKAY?

YOU OKAY?

>> Mike: HANG IN THERE, NOW.

HANG IN!

HE'S GONE.

>> NO! WHAT?

>> Jon: SWEETIE, I'M SO SORRY.

>> HEY, AT LEAST I HAVE A FACE

TO PICTURE NOW WHEN WE'RE IN THE

BONE ZONE, RIGHT?

>> Jon: DID YOU REALLY TIE YOUR

TUBES?

>> WELL...

UNTYING THEM ISN'T THAT BIG A

DEAL.

>> Jon: OH, BABY.

SHE'S GONNA UNTIE HER TUBES!

>> WELL...UH...

IT'S NOT -- IT'S NOT DEFINITE.

>> Jon: SWEETHEART.

>> * UNTYING HER TUBES

* THE LADY'S UNTYING HER TUBES

* NOW SHE'S OPEN WIDE TO PUT A

BABY INSIDE *

* BECAUSE THE LADY'S UNTYING HER

TUBES *