Original subtitles

JON: [ distorted ]

What happens when you take a family

from the witness protection program...

move them to New York City...

and give them their own reality show?

* Da-da-da-da, do-do

JON: Previously, on "Delocated"...

since it's a color machine, I got to charge you.

[bleep] Learn how to read. Come on!

You think I like speaking to you like this?

JON : Seems like you do.

* Love to be my own boss * Take a vacation every day

* If I want to * You can't tell me what to do

[ imitates electric guitar ]

* That's not supposed to be in here *

* Neither is that da da da Hi.

JON: Hello.

Come on in. Yeah, we're open.

What -- what is this?

JON: This is called the Rage Cage.

And it's a place where you pay money to smash things.

Someone's already been here, as

you can see -- did a pretty bang-up job.

Ka-boom. Cool.

How much does it cost?

JON: Uh, it's only $5 a minute.

And that -- here's how we do this.

Vroom! Card flying in! [ laughter ]

This is the Rage Cage card.

Every time you come in, you get it clipped.

10th one is free, and that

includes a kick in the old [ horn blows ]

Okay, um... i'll take 20 minutes.

JON: Oh, um, yeah, all right. Okay.

JON: All right.

Looking good. The floor is yours.

I'm nervous. [ laughs ]

JON: Go for it.

[ screaming ] [ laughs ]

[ screaming ] [ laughs ]

JON: Whoo! Yeah!

That was awesome!

JON: Hey, buddy.

Two-minute warning.

Try the moped. [ laughs ]

JON: All right.

I just -- that was so awesome. I can't thank you enough.

JON: No problem.

Oops! Whoops! Oh! Oh! Whoa, what are you doing, hand?

What are you doing, hole punch?

Next one's free. Yay!

Wow. I got to say it was, like, way more relaxing than yoga,

taking a baseball bat to a garbage can,

pretending it's my ex-husband's face.

JON: Oh.

Oh, I'm divorced, so...

JON: Oh, no.

No problem. I can relate. I'm kind of -- kind of going

through the same thing... Oh.

JON: ...right now.

Um, if you don't mind me asking,

What's his name? Neal.

JON: Neal?

Neal.

JON: He sounds like a dick.

He is a dick.

JON: What?

He's a dick.

JON: Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Oh. So, how did you come up with the store?

JON: It's actually a mildly

embarrassing story, but i'll share it.

Sitting in the park, minding my own business.

I'm wearing this dynamite pair of slacks.

I just bought them, had them

creased, was so psyched to be wearing them.

Some idiot spills his drink all over my pants.

And I just lost my cool.

And it's just one of these moments where you're so mad and

you have nothing to just, you know, grab and just throw, and I

just had nothing I could do.

I just felt like there has to be

a place where you can go and

just have something to throw or

whatever, so that's essentially

where Rage Cage -- that's how I thought of it.

Love the name "Rage Cage."

JON: Oh, well, that is a

coincidence, because I love the name "Kim."

Oh. [ both chuckle ]

That's my name.

Um...can you take your -- just

take your hand off my scone?

JON: Oh, sorry.

I was just kidding. Just was a joke.

JON: I was gonna say, that

was -- man. You're so easy.

And what's not a joke -- this is for you.

JON: Oh, thank you.

I don't like scones.

MIKE: So, how are things with

you and Kim?

I mean, you guys seem to be getting pretty serious.

JON: I mean, I know it's only

been a few weeks, but things are great.

I mean, tonight, i'm going to meet her family.

It's her dad's birthday.

MIKE: Wow, that's a big step.

JON: Big step.

Here's how I feel.

Kim is just creative and fun in

ways Susan never was, you know?

It's like when she found out I

liked mexican food and she made

me that tortilla blanket.

Who does that?

She's awesome.

MIKE: I don't think I even

told you this.

The other day, I found a smiley face drawn on my earpiece.

And I know it was Kim.

She knows how to keep things light.

JON: Keeping it light...

is out of sight.

What are you guys talking about?

JON: Um, uh, we're talking

about you, honeybunch.

[ clears throat ]

uh-oh.

Um.

[ clears throat ]

[ laughter ]

Even though I don't love you...

and I certainly don't love you

enough to want to get married...

I still want you to be my

exclusive girlfriend and promise

me that, even though you're

gonna fantasize about other

dudes, and, you know, it's like

you can't get over the top with

the orgasm and you got to go to

your go-to guy -- maybe it's,

like, your old high-school boyfriend.

Whoever you do that thing with,

you know, just promise me you'll

never take him to the bone zone

for real -- just me.

That's it?

JON: Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I promise.

JON: Yes!

[ laughter ]

Got me a girlfriend.

Hi. Over there -- hey!

JON: Hey, how's it going?

I'm Jon.

Hi, Jon.

JON: Nice to meet you.

This is Jon.

Hi, Jon.

Jon: It's my pleasure.

How are you?

That's my brother.

That's Brian.

JON: Hey, Brian.

Here, I got some t-shirts for everybody.

Here's one for dad and mom, and here's some for you guys.

Now everyone has one.

JON: More importantly for me

is i'm my own boss.

Whoa, hello!

Come sit on Santa's lap.

[ laughs ]

Let's get the party going.

Talk to him.

Just make him feel welcome. I mean...

JON: Hey, big Bri.

Yeah.

JON: What is up, man?

Finally -- I've heard so much about you.

JON: So, Brian, what do you

do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?

Uh, I sell siding.

JON: Oh, you do?

My first sales job.

JON: Oh, you don't own it?

No, no, no, no, no.

JON: Oh, Brian, what are you

doing, man?

I'm getting there, dude.

I'm totally working -- like,

there's a spot opening up for

regional sales directors.

JON: Pbht! Boring!

Flash-forward to five years --

"I'm getting there."

flash-forward five years after

that -- "I'm getting there."

you're a little older.

Flash-forward after that --

"I'm getting there."

flash-forward to your

deathbed -- [ weakly ] "Oh, I

guess I didn't get there. Ohh."

[ normal voice ] you're dead.

See what i'm saying?

Stop being a little bitch.

Quit your job.

Start your own business.

[ snaps fingers ] Bam.

Okay, here comes the cake.

This thing's pretty heavy with all these candles.

Oh, nice.

[ cheers and applause ]

* It's another anderson family birthday *

* we're having a good time

* we're having a good time

JON: Whoa, whoa, hey,

everybody, let's hold up.

Whoa, let's hold up for a

second.

Um, sorry to cut off the song, but I do want to make a quick

speech before we get into the cake and all that.

I just wanted to tell everybody the story of how kim and I met,

'cause I knew everyone was gonna ask.

And rather than go from, like, relative to cousin to

uncle to aunt to whatever, we do it all at once.

So I made a little dvd I want to share.

Kim, I didn't tell you about this.

And, uh, this is how you and I, uh, met.

Oh, and mike did the graphics -- my federal agent. Oh.

JON: Way to go, Mike.

Yay, Mike.

>> JON: Guess he's taking a

little tinkle.

[ harp glissando ]

Yo, hey, everyone. It's me, Jon.

And welcome to the story of how Kim and I met.

She was just, like, whaling away...

That's true.

JON: ...just going crazy.

It was amazing.

And that now goes by the name of Neal.

[ boing! ]

[ laughter ]

...thought it was so attractive

how open Kim was about her

divorce, 'cause i'm sort of

going through the same thing

right now.

Coffee turned into dinner.

Dinner turned into drinks.

Yep.

JON: And I walked kim home.

I decided to go for it, and I leaned in and kissed her.

And she kissed me back.

Jon.

JON: We were all like, you

know... Okay, that's enough.

Let's just turn it off.

JON: Kim was all like, "oh,

i'm so wet."

Jon, please.

JON: And I was like, "oh, my

hose is about to explode." >> turn it off.

Come on. We can turn this off.

JON: That's when I took her

to a little place I like to call the bone zone.

[ funky music plays ]

[ laughs ]

Oh, yeah!

You're freakin' dead.

You're out of here.

You are out of here.

No, no, no.

Come on.

You and me -- we're gonna go.

What do you think of that?

JON: I think it's

take-a-chump time.

Brian! Brian!

JON: Mike! Mike!

Mike!

Brian!

[ screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

JON: Oh, yes. Yes.

Brother, Mike!

JON: Sweetie pie, what's up?

Um...i didn't think you were coming by tonight.

Uh, what -- what is going on here?

What are you guys doing?

JON: We're, uh, playing cards.

And the -- you're showing them a video of my brother?

JON: I'm just showing

something that happened.

It's like -- that's like getting mad at the news.

The news?!

Close your mouth.

JON: Sweetie pie -- shut up.

You destroyed a family.

[ baby crying ]

Well, I don't know if this

particular tape was necessary.

But, Kim, I have to say, I don't

see anything wrong with Jon

showing the other tape at his card game.

The graphics were a little much, but I don't think he betrayed

your trust like at your father's birthday party.

JON: Well, well...don't.

JON: ...In your face.

Faced.

Facial.

[ door opens ]

Face-off, center ice.

[ door closes ]

knock, knock.

Who's there?

In your face.

* Rain, rain, go away

* come back in your face

* It's another Anderson family birthday *

* so come and take a bow

[ cheering ]