Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...

>> Mike: YEAH, HE -- HE'S HERE

RIGHT NOW.

IT'S SETH.

HE'S BEEN MURDERED.

RAY'S JUST BEEN MURDERED.

>> LON'S DEAD.

OH, MY GOD.

JON, COME ON. WE GOT TO TALK.

>> YEAH.

IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT YOUR

GRANDDAUGHTER.

>> David: UH-OH.

IT'S A NEW VIDEO ALERT FROM

FAKE JON.

>> Jon: WHAT IS THIS ONE?

"SANDWICH HUMPER."

>> SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.

>> I AM JON.

>> GO AHEAD.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Jon: IF THEY LOST MY JEANS,

I'M GONNA BE SO MAD -- SO MAD.

>> WAIT TILL YOU FIND OUT FOR

SURE.

>> Jon: WELL, IT'S TAKING A VERY

LONG TIME.

IT'S MY FAVORITE PAIR OF JEANS.

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

>> [ Asian accent ] OH!

>> Jon: HERE WE GO.

>> ME SORRY IT TAKE RONG TIME.

I TRY FIND TICKEH.

>> Jon: WHAT? TICKEH?

>> TICKEH.

>> Jon: OH -- NO, NO, NO, NO.

TICKET.

>> TICKEH.

>> Jon: NO -- TICK-ET.

PUT A "T" ON THE END.

>> TICK-EN.

>> Jon: TICKET.

>> TICK-ED?

>> Jon: YOU HEAR AT THE TOP?

"TUH."

TUH, TUH, TUH, TUH --

"TI"...

>> TI...

>> Jon: ..."CKET."

>> TUH-CKET-TUH.

>> Jon: NO, NEVER MIND.

JUST HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU,

PLEASE?

WHOA. HOLD ON A SECOND.

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND,

PLEASE.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

WHY ARE MY JEANS CREASED?!

>> OH, JEAN NEED CREASE.

LOOK SHARP.

>> Jon: NO, YOU [SIGHS]

YOU DON'T CREASE JEANS.

YOU CREASE SLACKS.

>> JEAN NEED CREASE.

20 DOLLAR.

>> Jon: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR

MIND?!

20 BUCKS?!

THESE TOOK A LONG TIME TO BREAK

IN.

NOW THEY'RE RUINED.

YOU JUST LOST A CUSTOMER.

>> OH, NO, NO.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

UH...

I-I NO SUPPOSED TO DO THIS,

BUT...

OH.

PREASE, TAKE THIS.

I GIVE YOU COUPON, MAKE YOU

HAPPY CUSTOMER.

>> Jon: I CAN TAKE THIS TO ANY

CHINESE RESTAURANT IN THE CITY,

AND THEY'LL ACCEPT IT?

>> OH, ANYPLACE.

CHINESE PEOPLE MAKE SPECIAL

CODE.

THAT HOW CHINESE PEOPLE DO

THINGS.

>> Jon: SPECIAL CODE?

YOU CHINESE PEOPLE STICK

TOGETHER.

I LIKE THAT.

I ALSO LIKE GOOD BUSINESS.

YOU GOT A CUSTOMER BACK.

I'M JON.

>> MY NAME EUN MI.

>> Jon: IT'S VERY PRETTY.

IT'S DELICATE.

IT'S LIKE A TENDER PIECE OF

PINEAPPLE FRIED RICE.

WITHOUT THE PINEAPPLE, THOUGH.

I DON'T -- I NEVER UNDERSTOOD

THAT DISH.

LIKE, WHY RUIN FRIED RICE WITH

WARM FRUIT?

UGH. GROSS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS FOR THE COUPON.

I'M EXCITED TO USE IT.

AND, UH, YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH

ME.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: BYE!

>> THANK YOU.

>> DON'T CONTROL IT, JON! NO!

ENERGIZE IT.

YEAH.

>> Jon: THIS HOOP THERAPY'S BEEN

REALLY WORKING.

GOT TO TELL YOU, OLD JON WOULD

HAVE LOST HIS [BLEEP] ABOUT

THOSE CREASED JEANS, BUT NEW JON

STAYED COOL AS A CUKE.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jon: THAT LADY'S PRETTY CUTE,

TOO.

>> ASIAN PEOPLE REPRESENT SAFETY

TO YOU RIGHT NOW, JON.

THE WANG CHOS OFFER YOU

PROTECTION, AND SUDDENLY, YOUR

DRY-CLEANER IS DESIRABLE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HER OUT.

HMM?

SEE WHERE IT LEADS.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

SHE BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH.

>> THAT MAY BE JUST WHAT YOU

NEED -- SOMEONE WHO CAN'T

ARTICULATE ANY DEMANDS ON YOU.

BUT YOU WON'T KNOW, JON, UNLESS

YOU TRY.

>> Jon: IT'LL BE MY FIRST

CHINESE DATE.

>> REMEMBER -- IT'S ABOUT

ENERGY, NOT CONTROL.

>> OH, GEEZ.

>> A CRITIC JUDGES WHAT HE

HIMSELF CANNOT ACHIEVE, T.B.

WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?

HMM?

WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT?

>> BECAUSE I HAVE THE GOOD SENSE

NOT TO FALL FOR SOME CON-ARTIST

BULL[BLEEP]

I'M NOT A SUCKER.

NO OFFENSE, JON.

>> Jon: HEY, NONE TAKEN.

I'M HAVING FUN.

>> WHAT'S NEXT FOR JON --

PLAYING IN A SANDBOX?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Jon: HEY, THAT SOUNDS COOL.

WHEN WE DOING THAT?

>> HELLO?

OH, MY GOD.

>> Jon: OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

T.B., YOU GOT TO STOP TAKING

THESE PHONE CALLS, MAN.

IT'S ALWAYS, "HELLO?

OH, MY GOD."

THEN IT'S BAD NEWS.

SEE? LOOK AT HIS FACE. BAD NEWS.

LET ME GUESS -- SERGEI SHOT

DAVID, CUT OFF HIS DICK, I'M

NEXT.

RIGHT? SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> IT'S MY MOM.

SHE'S GETTING A DIVORCE.

SHE'S LEAVING MY DAD.

[ SAD MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Jon: SO, MY DICK'S NOT NEXT?

>> JON!

GET IN.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

* CHA CHA

* CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA

* CHA CHA CHA

* CHA CHA

* CHA CHA CHOS

* CHA CHA CHOS

* CHA CHA --

>> KINDLY EXAMINE THESE.

>> Jon: THIS IS THE ASSHOLE

THAT'S PRETENDING TO BE ME.

THIS GUY'S BEEN MAKING ME LOOK

LIKE A REAL DICK.

HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT HE DOES WITH

A SANDWICH?

>> I AM MORE CONCERNED WITH WHAT

HE DID TO BOHAI.

>> I AM JON.

[ GUNSHOT ECHOES ]

>> Jon: THIS ISN'T ME!

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

WHY WOULD I KILL ONE OF MY CHO

BROS?

>> I, TOO, THINK THIS.

OR YOU WOULD BE NUMBER 4 LUNCH

SPECIAL -- MOO GOO GAI DEAD JON.

BUT THERE IS PROBLEM.

REST OF WANG CHOS THINK YOU DID

THIS -- WANT YOU DEAD.

>> Jon: WELL, IF YOU BELIEVE ME,

JUST TELL THEM ABOUT FAKE JON.

>> I'M SORRY.

BUT UNLESS YOU CAN PROVE IT'S

NOT YOU...

YOU DIE.

>> * LOVE TO SWEEP

* I LOVE TO SWEEP UP

* SWEEPING IS FUN

>> Jon: I TOLD YOU GUYS -- SAME

GUY!

LOOK AT THE COAT, RIGHT?

>> IT'S A VERY SPECIFIC

JACKET/JEAN/SHOE COMBINATION.

>> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT?

>> I'LL GET THAT.

>> YOU'VE CONVINCED ME, JON.

>> Jon: BELIEVE THAT ASSHOLE?

>> SEE YOU LATER.

>> Jon: HATE THAT GUY!

I LIKE HIS SHOES, THOUGH.

THOSE ARE PRETTY COOL.

>> LET ME GET CUP INTO GARBAGE.

>> Jon: THOSE ARE THE SHOES THAT

TONE YOUR BUTT, RIGHT?

HEY, THEY SHOULD MAKE A PAIR

THAT TONE YOUR WIENER.

[ LAUGHS ]

HERE WE GO, BUDDY.

>> WELCOME TO NEW YORK, MOTHER.

NOW LET'S GO UPSTAIRS TO DISCUSS

THIS LATEST DEVELOPMENT.

>> Jon: SOMEONE CALL PAUL SIMON,

HUH?

GOT A LITTLE MOTHER/CHILD

REUNION HAPPENING HERE.

>> SWEETIE, I'M SORRY THIS IS

HARD.

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU I HAVE

GIVEN THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT.

>> WELL, HOW DOES DAD FEEL ABOUT

ALL THIS?

>> WELL, YOU HAVE TO ASK HIM,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU IT WAS A

MUTUAL DECISION.

>> WELL, I DID CALL HIM, AND

HE'S A MESS.

>> WELL, WHAT DID YOU ASK ME

FOR?!

DID YOU INVITE ME HERE FOR AN

INTERROGATION?

THIS IS NOT ABU GHRAIB, TONY.

I DON'T HAVE BALLS FOR YOU TO

ELECTROCUTE.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

NICE ONE, RENEE.

DON'T TAKE THAT.

>> RENEE, CONGRATULATIONS ON

CONFRONTING YOUR UNHAPPINESS SO

BRAVELY.

I HOPE YOUR HEALING HAS BEGUN.

>> THANK YOU.

>> NOT ALL DIVORCES CARRY

NEGATIVE IMPLICATIONS.

I CAN SENSE YOU HAVE A POSITIVE

AURA, AND I THINK YOU MADE A

HEALTHY DECISION.

YOU'RE SENDING OFF SOME REALLY

PEACEFUL VIBRATIONS.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GIVING

OFF VIBRATIONS.

I'M GLAD SOMEBODY'S GETTING

THEM.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GRAB A

NAP.

TONY, TRY NOT TO WORRY.

>> Jon: YEAH, WE SHOULD, UH, GET

GOING, ANYWAY.

I WANT TO HEAD BACK HOME,

PREPARE FOR MY DATE WITH THAT

SILKY CHINESE MAIDEN.

I'M THINKING ABOUT WEARING THREE

COLOGNES TONIGHT -- COVER MY

BASES.

SHE GOT TO LIKE ONE OF THEM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

MMM.

WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, CHINA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, THANKS FOR COMING OUT

TONIGHT.

KIND OF THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE

INTO SOME CHINESE FOOD.

>> OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

MMM. I LIKE YOUR COLOGNE.

>> Jon: WHICH ONE?

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, YOU GOT ROOM FOR DESSERT?

>> OH, NO, THANK YOU.

MY TUMMY FULL.

>> Jon: YOU SURE?

'CAUSE, UH...

MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

BOOM.

>> OH, YOU BRING COUPON.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH. HERE YOU GO, MY MAN.

I BELIEVE THIS ONE IS ON THE

HOUSE TONIGHT.

>> WHAT THIS?

>> Jon: COME ON, DUDE.

DON'T MAKE ME LOOK BAD.

IT'S ONE OF YOUR AUTHENTIC

CHINESE DINNER COUPONS -- GIVEN

TO ME BY THIS VERY LOVELY AND

VERY AUTHENTIC CHINESE LADY.

>> UH, THIS...JOKE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU PAY.

>> Jon: EUN MI, YOU WANT TO TELL

THIS GUY WHAT'S GOING ON?

HE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT READ

ENGLISH.

>> [ SPEAKING KOREAN ]

>> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

>> [ SPEAKING KOREAN ]

>> Jon: SO, WE ALL SET?

>> WHY SHE SPEAK KOREAN?

YOU PAY, OR I CALL THE POLICE.

>> Jon: SHE'S NOT SPEAKING

KOREAN.

IT'S CHINESE.

HOW ABOUT AN APOLOGY?

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> Jon: WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

[ LAUGHS ]

[ American accent ] DUDE.

YOU'RE A [BLEEP] IDIOT.

>> Jon: HONESTLY, I CAN'T

BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT CHINESE.

>> OH, BELIEVE IT, DUDE.

I'M KOREAN.

>> Jon: I'VE BEEN COMING TO THE

DRY-CLEANER FOR WEEKS.

WHY WOULD YOU PRETEND THAT YOU

CAN BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS JUST FUN [BLEEP] WITH

YOU.

"TICKEH. TICKEH."

[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. UNREAL.

>> Jon: "UNREAL" LIKE -- LIKE,

GOOD "UNREAL"?

>> OH, THIS IS THE BEST TIME

I'VE EVER HAD ON A DATE.

>> Jon: REALLY?

SO...

MAYBE YOU'D GO OUT WITH ME

AGAIN.

>> YOU KNOW, NORMALLY, NO WAY,

BUT IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TOP

TONIGHT, THEN YEAH.

OTHERWISE, DON'T BOTHER.

BY THE WAY, AREN'T THOSE THE

JEANS YOU LOST YOUR [BLEEP]

ABOUT?

>> Jon: OH.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT ABOUT

IT A LITTLE MORE, AND I KIND OF

STARTED TO LIKE THEM AND THOUGHT

I'D WEAR THEM TONIGHT ON THE

DATE JUST TO GIVE CREDIT WHERE

CREDIT'S DUE ABOUT A -- ABOUT A

GREAT CREASE.

YOU KNOW --

[ Asian accent ] LOOK SHARP.

>> NO, YOU HAD IT RIGHT THE

FIRST TIME.

CREASED JEANS LOOK STUPID.

>> OH! GOOD NIGHT, TODD.

GOOD NIGHT, WHORE.

>> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

>> HAVE FUN TONIGHT.

>> TONY, I'M SORRY WE GOT OFF TO

SUCH A ROUGH START, BUT I HAVE

HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU HAD FUN,

MOM.

BUT WE BETTER HURRY, OR YOU'RE

GONNA MISS YOUR FLIGHT.

>> OH, I'M GONNA STAY A FEW MORE

DAYS.

I WANT TO SEE SOME MUSEUMS

AND -- AND GO TO A BROADWAY

SHOW.

>> OKAY.

I GUESS I COULD TAKE A COUPLE OF

DAYS OFF.

>> OH, THAT'S OKAY, HONEY.

I ALREADY HAVE SOMEBODY WHO'S

GONNA SHOW ME AROUND.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> DARLING.

OH. HI, JON. TONY.

DARLING, I HAVE JUST HAD A VERY

STEAMY SHOWER.

I'M GONNA GO AND TOWEL OFF

BEFORE WE GET GOING.

MMM.

[ SMOOCHING ]

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

SEE YOU LATER, GUYS.

>> Jon: PROBABLY NOT WHAT

PAUL SIMON HAD IN MIND WITH

"MOTHER/CHILD REUNION."

[ Chuckling ] OH, MY GOD.

>> HE NEEDS TO BE FIRED.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT, T.B.?

IN THE GLAZE'S DEFENSE, YOUR

MOTHER IS AN ADULT.

SHE CAN PULL A BANG 'N' BONE

WITH WHOEVER SHE WANTS.

RIGHT, SUSAN?

>> I HAD A FEELING THIS MIGHT

HAPPEN.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU HAD A

FEELING?

>> LET'S JUST SAY THE GLAZE IS

WELL-SCHOOLED IN THE ART OF SEX.

>> Jon: OH, BOY.

>> WE DID A PRESENTATION WITH

THE GLAZE A FEW YEARS AGO, AND

ONE ASPECT OF THE SHOW WAS HIS

WORK AS A COUPLES SEX THERAPIST.

I FELT I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT HIS

QUALIFICATIONS WERE, SO I, UM...

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Jon: HO-HO!

THE PLOT THICKENS.

>> IT'S NOT SO MUCH WHAT HE

BROUGHT TO THE TABLE, 'CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T MUCH.

IT'S WHAT HE DID WITH IT.

IT WAS HIS STROKE.

HE PACKED MORE INTO ONE PUMP

THAN A LIFETIME OF LOVERS EVER

COULD.

>> I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

>> Jon: I DO.

>> I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT, BUT

YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU'RE

DEALING WITH.

>> WELL, I THINK HE'S A

MANIPULATIVE OPPORTUNIST --

WHO DROPPED SOME NEW-AGE

BULL[BLEEP] ON A VULNERABLE

WOMAN AND THEN WENT BALLS DEEP.

>> BALLS FIRST.

HE GOES BALLS FIRST.

[ NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> CAN YOU FEEL ME?

>> YES.

>> OHH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

[ GROANS ]

FEEL IT!

>> YES!

>> [ MOANS ] FEEL IT FLOW.

>> YES. YES.

>> [ MOANS ]

>> Jon: T.B., JUST GO EASY, MAN.

>> TONY!

>> THE JIG IS UP, FRIEND.

THIS THING WITH YOU AND MY MOM

ENDS NOW.

>> TONY, STOP!

>> MA, HE'S JUST GONNA LEAVE

YOU.

>> TONY, YOU'RE WRONG.

WE HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION.

>> MA, THAT'S JUST THE STROKE

TALKING!

>> SO WHAT IF IT IS?

IF YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR ME,

JUST, PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE SO

I CAN ENJOY THE REST OF MY TRIP.

AND IF YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR

ME AFTER THAT, THEN I GUESS

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO LEAVE ME

ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

>> T.B., I RESPECT THE FACT THAT

YOU'RE LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR

MOTHER.

BUT I GENUINELY CARE FOR HER,

AND I HOPE YOU BELIEVE THAT.

I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER HARM

THIS LADY.

AND I PROMISE TO BE A GREAT

STEPDAD TO YOU.

HMM?

HEY -- I COULD TEACH YOU HOW TO

DRIVE A STICK SHIFT!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> HOW ABOUT YOU DRIVE THIS

STICK?

>> Jon: OH, THE MOTHER/CHILD

REUNION HAS TAKEN A --

>> SHUT UP, JON!

>> Jon: MAN, TEACHING YOU TO

DRIVE STICK.

THE GLAZE IS A GREAT STEPDAD.

>> HE'S NOT MY STEPDAD.

>> Jon: NOT YET.

FIRST COMES STROKE, THEN COMES

MARRIAGE.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, HEY, BY THE WAY, DAVID'S

SLEEPING AT A FRIEND'S TONIGHT,

SO IT'S JUST YOU, ME, AND EUN MI

AT THE APARTMENT.

I GOT A REAL NICE CANDLELIT

DINNER PLANNED.

IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY SWEET.

PRETTY S--

OH, HERE SHE COMES.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HELLO, THERE. HOW ARE YOU?

>> OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR

PANTS?

>> Jon: DOUBLE CREASE.

I DREW THE CREASE-PIRATION FROM

YOU, MY LOVELY KIMONO.

>> IF THIS IS HOW THE NIGHT IS

STARTING, IT IS A REALLY BAD

SIGN.

WHERE ARE WE GOING -- BACK TO

YOUR APARTMENT FOR A CANDLELIT

DINNER OR SOMETHING LAME?

>> Jon: UH...

[ SCOFFS ]

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING THAT

STUPID?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY, THEN. WHAT'S THE PLAN?

>> Jon: UH...YOU'LL SEE.

I GOT A COUPLE SURPRISES UP MY

CREASE.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

I NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT

IS.

IF IT'S SOMETHING LAME, TELL ME

SO I DON'T WASTE MY NIGHT.

[ HORN HONKS ]

>> JON!

GET IN.

>> GOOD START.

>> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT? I-I KNOW.

HERE -- HERE WE GO.

>> OH.

>> Jon: OKAY.

>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> THIS IS AMAZING.

>> Jon: OH. Y-YEAH. THANKS.

I, UH, I KNEW YOU'D BE PSYCHED

ABOUT THIS.

>> ARE WE EATING HERE?

>> Jon: UH, YEAH, I THINK WE

ARE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, WE'RE NOT EATING HERE.

>> OUR GUEST TONIGHT

IMPERSONATED YOU AND TRIED TO

GET YOU KILLED.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE FOR PAYBACK.

[ CHAIN JINGLES ]

>> OH!

WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> HOLY [BLEEP] TODD BARRY!

>> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

>> THIS IS A MISTAKE, MAN.

>> Jon: NO, IT'S NOT A MISTAKE.

THIS IS -- THIS IS WHAT I

PLANNED.

>> SHUT UP!

THIS WILL STILL SEND A MESSAGE

TO THE MIRMINSKYS.

THE MURDER OF BOHAI WAS THE

FINAL STRAW.

BUT TONIGHT BEGINS THE STORM...

OF REVENGE.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH. BACK UP, BABY.

>> NO. NO. NO. NO. PLEASE.

NO, THIS IS A MISTAKE!

I'M NOT EVEN THE RIGHT GUY!

>> Jon: NO, IT'S NOT A MISTAKE.

THIS IS WHAT I PLANNED FOR MY

GIRLFRIEND.

REMEMBER HOW WE TALKED ABOUT IT?

>> I D-- THAT'S NOT --

>> Jon: AND THIS IS THE PART

WHERE I SAY THAT I'M SORRY I GOT

TO DO THIS!

>> PLEASE. PLEASE, NO.

>> Jon: I CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?

>> BIG, HARD JON.

>> Jon: YEAH, BIG, HARD JON.

>> BIG, HARD JON!

>> NO, COME ON, MAN!

>> Jon: YEAH, I CAN DO THIS.

>> NO! NO! THIS IS A MISTAKE!

>> Jon: AARGH!

>> OOF!

>> WHOO! OH, YEAH!

WHOOOOOOO!

THAT FELT GOOD!

YOU GOT TO GET IN ON THIS!

>> HOLD MY PURSE.

>> NO, YOU'RE A FAN OF MINE.

I CAN'T DO COMED--

OH!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: YEAH!

>> WHOO!

>> Jon: LET'S GET DINNER!

>> YEAH!

>> I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT TO

WALE ON TODD BARRY.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THAT.

I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THAT.

>> THAT IS TWO FUN-AS-HELL

DATES.

>> Jon: NOW THE ONLY QUESTION

IS, THINK YOU CAN TOP IT?

>> CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

>> Jon: WELL, ALL RIGHT.

MWAH.

>> HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, JON.

>> Jon: I ALREADY DID.

NOW IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT IF

YOU'RE A SHAB IN HABS CLOTHING.

SHAB -- "SMART, HOT, ASIAN

BABE."

>> UGH.

>> Jon: T-MINUS FIVE DATES TILL

JONNY GETS LAID.

>> "DRAGON HAS AWOKEN FROM

SLUMBER.

FIRE BURNS HOT IN BELLY, SOON TO

ROAR LIKE ANGRY SUN."

IS THAT ALL?

>> [ Slurred ] THEY SAID TO ALSO

HIT MISHKA WITH THESE.

>> THEY WANT MISHKA TO HIT YOU

WITH THESE?

>> NO. NO. NO. NO. HE SAID --

>> VERY WELL. MISHKA!

>> OH, NO, NO.

>> COME.

>> YOU HIT HIM.

NO! YOU -- OH, NO.

>> HIT TODD BARRY.

>> NO. NO. NO.

>> REALLY?!

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT HIM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT --

NO, DON'T!

UGH!

[ WHIMPERS ]

>> I FEEL LIKE TOUGH GUY.

>> THE TIME FOR WHINING IS OVER.

WAR IS COMING.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON

HEADPHONES ]

>> DOES HE NEED TO BE HERE?

>> YOU KNOW I CAN'T LEAVE HIS

SIDE.

BUT HE'S LISTENING TO MUSIC SO

WE CAN HAVE A PRIVATE

CONVERSATION.

JON!

MOM, YOU'RE MY MOTHER.

BUT YOU'RE ALSO RENEE --

A SEXUAL BEING WITH CARNAL URGES

AND DESIRES.

YOUR HAPPINESS MEANS MORE TO ME

THAN THE FACT THAT YOU'RE DATING

SOME DESPICABLE DOUCHEBAG.

LOOK.

I'M OKAY IF YOU WANT TO HAVE

SOME POST-DIVORCE [BLEEP]FEST.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

"POST-DIVORCE [BLEEP]FEST."

* POST-DIVORCE [BLEEP]FEST

* ROCK 'N' ROLL TONIGHT

[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]

PEARL JAM.

>> Jon: * DATE NIGHT

* DOIN' IT RIGHT TONIGHT

OH. UM, HI.

I'M HERE TO SEE EUN MI.

>> [ Asian accent ] YOU MAN DATE

DAUGHTER?

>> Jon: OH. UH, YES, MA'AM.

MY NAME IS JON.

>> EUN MI NO HERE.

>> Jon: OH. UM...OKAY.

WE HAD A DATE TONIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE MIGHT BE?

>> YEAH, SHE DIE.

>> Jon: EXCUSE ME?

>> SHE DIE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON A

SEC.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AM I NOT UNDERSTANDING YOUR

ACCENT?

I MEAN, ARE YOU SAYING SOMETHING

ELSE?

SHE -- IS SHE TIRED?

>> NO. SHE DIE.

>> Jon: SHE DIED?

OH, MY --

REALLY?

HOLD ON A SECOND.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I GOT IT.

OKAY. OKAY, GOOD ONE.

GOOD ONE.

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER,

RIGHT?

YOU SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH.

YOU'RE JUST [BLEEP] WITH ME.

I'D GO TO THE FUNERAL.

YOU BOTH SHOW UP, HAVE A GOOD

LAUGH.

VERY FUNNY. VERY GOOD ACCENT.

EUN MI? WE SHOULD GO, PLEASE.

>> NO! SHE NOT HERE. SHE DIE.

YOU SEE CANDLE. I'M MOURNING.

[ Voice breaking ] VERY SAD.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S...FLOWERS...

IN CASE SHE REALLY IS DEAD.

UM, I'M VERY SKEPTICAL OF THIS.

I REALLY THINK THIS IS

BULL[BLEEP]

BUT LOOK -- IF IT'S NOT, THEN

I'M SO SORRY.

BUT IF IT IS, THEN IT'S [BLEEP]

NOT COOL.

>> HOPEFULLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO

VISIT AGAIN SOON, AND NEXT TIME,

MAYBE JUST ME AND YOU.

OKAY?

OH!

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND.

>> Jon: BYE, RENEE!

>> BYE, MOM.

>> Jon: WHAT'D YOU GET?

OH, YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> [ Slurred ] NICE TO BE HERE.

[ TALKING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ TALKING INDISTINCTLY ]