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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S
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JON.
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I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM.
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THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,
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THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS
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MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,
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SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE
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LIFE.
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OWW!
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PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...
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>> WHY DON'T WE ACTUALLY JUST GO
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OVER SUSAN'S LIFE-INSURANCE
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POLICY, OKAY?
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
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>> FOR $5 MILLION.
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>> Jon: SO, I'M A MILLIONAIRE
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NOW?
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>> HELLO, JON.
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I'M SUSAN SHAPIRO.
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I'M PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK,
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AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR POINT
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PERSON ON "DELOCATED!"
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>> PLEASE, TRISH, CALL ME
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YVGENY.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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OKAY.
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>> YOU SHOULD BE HEAD OF
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FAMILY -- NOT YVGENY.
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>> Jon: SUSAN FROM NETWORK!
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SUSAN FROM NETWORK!
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>> SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
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>> Jon: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
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WHAT -- WHAT'S WRONG?
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>> YOU ENDED UP TRYING TO HAVE
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SEX WITH HER PILLOW AGAIN.
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>> Jon: OH!
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YEAH, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I'M
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GOING TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT
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CYCLING.
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MIGHT TAKE DAVID TO FRANCE NEXT
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YEAR, CHECK OUT THE TOUR.
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MAYBE SHAVE OUR LEGS TOGETHER,
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YOU KNOW, LIKE THE RACERS.
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>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.
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YEAH. THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
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CAN I CALL YOU BACK?
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GREAT. BYE.
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JON.
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WHAT BRINGS YOU BY WITHOUT
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SCHEDULING AN APPOINTMENT?
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>> Jon: I JUST CAME BY TO PICK
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UP THOSE, UH, SITCOM TICKETS
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YOU GOT ME.
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>> YEAH.
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AS I TOLD YOU EARLIER, I LEFT
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THEM WITH SECURITY.
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>> Jon: NO, I KNOW.
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I PICKED THEM UP.
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THOUGHT I'D COME UP, AS WELL --
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GET A LITTLE FACE TIME WITH THE
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NETWORK, LET MY DOGS CHILL.
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YEAH -- THE HIGHER THE DOG, THE
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SWEETER THE CHILL.
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[ SIGHS ]
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>> LOOKING PRETTY BUFF IN THAT
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CYCLING OUTFIT.
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>> Jon: UH, T.B., YOU MIND
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WAITING OUTSIDE FOR A SEC?
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> Jon: YOU KNOW, SUSAN...
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I'VE KIND OF ALWAYS FELT THAT
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WITH ME AND YOU, WE COULD BE
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LOOKING AT THE NEXT SAM AND
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DIANE.
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SAM AND DIANE FROM "CHEERS."
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>> YES. I GET THE REFERENCE.
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>> Jon: LOT OF SEXUAL TENSION
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BETWEEN THOSE TWO.
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A LOT OF SEXUAL TENSION.
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>> I'M SORRY THAT YOU MISTOOK
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WHAT I THOUGHT WAS OBVIOUS,
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POORLY CONCEALED SARCASM
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REGARDING YOUR OUTFIT AS
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FLIRTING.
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>> Jon: AND THAT IS JUST THE
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SORT OF PITHY COMEBACK DIANE
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WOULD FIRE OFF AT SAM...
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RIGHT BEFORE THEY STARTED MAKING
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OUT.
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>> SO, YOU GOT YOUR TICKETS?
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YES?
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GREAT. SO...
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THANK YOU, JON.
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>> [ Russian accent ] AS THE NEW
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HEAD OF THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY,
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I'VE NAMED TRISH VICE PRESIDENT
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OF OUR NEW COMPANY, MNCFVC --
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MIRMINSKY NON-CRIME FAMILY VODKA
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COMPANY.
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NEXT, I HAVE CHOSEN THE FIRST
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POTATO TO GO IN THE PROCESSOR
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WHEN PRODUCTION STARTS.
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THIS POTATO IS A SYMBOL OF
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OUR FUTURE.
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I AM NAMING HER HELEN, BECAUSE
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SHE IS GOING TO BE THE LAUNCH OF
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A THOUSAND BOTTLES OF VODKA!
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[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> David: THANKS FOR GETTING US
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THESE TICKETS, BY THE WAY.
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>> Jon: JUST SO YOU KNOW, THEY
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WERE A REAL PAIN TO GET.
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>> David: BUT HOW?
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I MEAN, YOU GOT THEM FOR FREE
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FROM SUSAN, RIGHT?
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YOU RODE YOUR BIKE, LIKE, 10
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BLOCKS TO GET THEM, SO...
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>> Jon: YEAH, EXACTLY.
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I RODE 10 BLOCKS FOR THESE
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SEATS?
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WE COULDN'T GET FRONT-ROW?
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I GUESS THESE YAHOOS ARE ALSO
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STARS OF THE NETWORK, HUH?
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>> David: WHATEVER.
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>> OKAY, EVERYBODY.
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WELCOME TO A TAPING OF
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"ATTITUDE STOOL."
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YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME?!
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>> Jon: WHOO!
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>> OH, HEY, LOOK!
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IT'S THE STAR OF
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"ATTITUDE STOOL."
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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I'M KIDDING.
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STEVE, GET OUT HERE!
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>> Jon: WHOO! GO!
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>> EVERYBODY, STEVE!
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>> Jon: EXCELLENT!
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YEAH, STEVE!
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS
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PETE FONTAINE, AND I AM WHAT'S
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KNOWN IN SHOWBIZ AS A WARM-UP
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COMEDIAN.
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MY JOB IS TO GET YOU FOLKS IN A
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GOOD MOOD BEFORE THE ACTORS COME
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OUT AND KEEP YOU IN A GOOD MOOD
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IN BETWEEN TAKES, ALL RIGHT?
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YOU KNOW, KEEP THE ENERGY LEVEL
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UP, KEEP YOU EXCITED, SITTING
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ERECT, STROKING YOUR FUNNY BONE
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TILL YOU'RE SPEWING LAUGHTER.
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I'M BASICALLY A NON-PORN
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FLUFFER.
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>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]
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FLUFFER!
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>> HEY, NOT THAT I DON'T DO SOME
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REAL FLUFFING ON THE SIDE FOR
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SOME EXTRA MONEY.
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>> Jon: [ Laughing ] OH, WOW.
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>> AND IF ANY OF YOU GUYS ARE
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INTERESTED IN THAT, MEET ME IN
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THE ALLEY BEHIND THE STUDIO
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AFTER THE SHOW.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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ALL RIGHT, WE'RE READY TO START
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THE SHOW.
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ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR
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"ATTITUDE STOOL"?!
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>> Jon: WHOO! GO!
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YEAH, TAKE YOUR TIME, T.B.
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MAN, OH, MAN.
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>> HA HA! NICE!
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BEST SHOW ON TV.
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>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I'LL GET YOU
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ONE OF MINE, OKAY?
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>> YEAH. WHENEVER.
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>> David: DAD, CAN WE PLEASE
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LEAVE?
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>> Jon: CAN YOU PLEASE RELAX?
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THANK YOU.
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THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO DO,
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AND THEN WE'LL GO.
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PETE!
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>> OH. HEY, MAN.
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>> Jon: HEY.
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GREAT STUFF OUT THERE.
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>> OH, THANKS, BUDDY.
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>> Jon: SO FUNNY.
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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UH, YOU HERE TO TAKE ME UP ON
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THAT FLUFFER OFFER?
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>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]
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>> IS HE 18?
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>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]
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NO. NO.
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ACTUALLY, TO BE HONEST, I HAD A
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LITTLE BIT OF A ROUGH MORNING
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TODAY.
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>> OH.
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>> Jon: AND I GO TO SEE MY BOSS.
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WE KIND OF GOT A SEXUAL-TENSION
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THING GOING ON BETWEEN US.
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SHE'S IN TOTAL DENIAL ABOUT IT,
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BY THE WAY.
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BUT WE GET IN A DUMB FIGHT.
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SHE WAS IN A BAD MOOD THIS
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MORNING, FOR WHO KNOWS WHAT
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REASON.
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I'M HERE, WATCHING YOU.
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I THINK, "OH, MAN, IT WOULD HAVE
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BEEN SO GREAT IF I COULD HAVE
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HAD SOMEONE LIKE PETE THIS
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MORNING."
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COULD HAVE GONE IN BEFORE ME,
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GOT HER ALL EXCITED AND PSYCHED
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TO SEE ME.
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BOOM!
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SHE'S ALREADY IN A GREAT MOOD,
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AND THEN THE MEETING GOES GREAT.
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WE START MAKING OUT.
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WHATEVER.
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MY POINT IS, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
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TO WARM UP MY LIFE?
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>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MAN?
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WARMING UP SOMEBODY'S LIFE?
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THAT'S, LIKE, THE ULTIMATE
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WARM-UP GIG.
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I'M IN!
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I WAS A WAITER IN COLLEGE.
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I WAS DATING THIS GIRL.
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TOOK US SO LONG TO HAVE SEX, MY
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FRIENDS STARTED CALLING ME
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"THE WAITER."
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[ LAUGHS ]
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THE ONLY CRIME THIS FAMILY'S
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COMMITTING IS WEARING TOO MUCH
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COLOGNE.
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P.U.!
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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THE HARDEST THING ABOUT LEARNING
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TO RIDE A BIKE IS THE CEMENT ON
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THE SIDEWALK!
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YOW!
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S BRING HIM
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OUT -- THE MAN WHO'S GONNA ORDER
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DINNER...
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THE MAN WHO'S HERE TO GIVE YOU
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HIS NEXT PAYMENT FOR
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PROTECTION...
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THE GUY WHO'S GONNA TAKE YOU ON
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A BIKE RIDE...
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...JON!
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...JON!
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...YOUR DAD!
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>> WHOO!
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT!
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IS HE GREAT, HUH?
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IS HE GREAT?
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HEY, READY? DAVID.
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>> VERY GOOD.
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[ DOOR CLOSES ]
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>> DEAL ME IN, FELLAS.
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THIS IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MAN'S
267
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,692
GAME.
268
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,733
WHAT IS THAT?
269
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,143
>> WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
270
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,509
>> WHAT'S WITH THE POTATO?
271
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,078
>> HEY! PUT HER DOWN!
272
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,135
>> WHY IS TODD BARRY HOLDING
273
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,814
HELEN?
274
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,554
>> HELEN? WHO'S HELEN?
275
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,679
>> HELEN IS POTATO THAT WILL
276
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,594
START NEW MIRMINSKY VODKA
277
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,186
COMPANY.
278
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,317
PERHAPS HELEN WOULD BE SAFER AT
279
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,493
HOME INSTEAD OF LIVING ON TABLE
280
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,162
WHERE CLUMSY FOOLS LIKE
281
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,860
TODD BARRY CAN HARM HER.
282
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,332
>> THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
283
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,500
>> IT IS NECESSARY.
284
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,198
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING -- "IF
285
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,869
YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT
286
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,568
WITH A POTATO, DO IT YOURSELF
287
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,000
WITH A POTATO."
288
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,314
>> LET'S GO.
289
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:56,705
>> I THINK HE SAID "POTATO" AT
290
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,910
LEAST ONE TOO MANY TIMES IN
291
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:58,881
THAT.
292
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,877
>> I'D SETTLE FOR "GIVE ME
293
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,222
LIBERTY OR GIVE ME A
294
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,346
CHIMICHANGA."
295
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,192
>> [ LAUGHS ]
296
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,716
>> OKAY, HERE HE IS, THE MAN YOU
297
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,562
CALLED A MEETING WITH -- JON!
298
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,589
>> Jon: WHOO! YEAH! HEY, MAN.
299
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,204
REAL NICE. REAL NICE.
300
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,295
BEST SET YET.
301
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,296
WHAT IS UP, SUE-MAGOO?
302
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,098
>> WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
303
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,200
>> Jon: WHAT?
304
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:21,871
OH, YEAH.
305
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:22,699
[ CHUCKLES ]
306
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,473
FORGOT I WAS WEARING MY "BECKER"
307
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:25,041
SHIRT.
308
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,638
USED TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE
309
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,310
SHOWS.
310
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,877
TED DANSON WAS IN IT.
311
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:29,536
>> I KNOW.
312
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:30,943
>> Jon: HOW ABOUT PETE, HUH?
313
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:31,884
HOW FUNNY IS HE?
314
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:32,779
>> HE'S SO GOOD.
315
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:33,980
>> Jon: SO GOOD, RIGHT?
316
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:34,721
>> SO FUNNY.
317
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:35,575
>> Jon: I KNOW.
318
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,153
>> THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TALK
319
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:37,920
TO YOU ABOUT.
320
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,548
INITIALLY, I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF
321
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,993
A WARM-UP COMIC FOR YOUR LIFE
322
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,958
WAS REALLY STUPID.
323
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,656
BUT I WATCHED THE FOOTAGE, AND
324
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,658
HE'S WONDERFUL.
325
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,389
SO THE NETWORK HAS DECIDED TO
326
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,504
PUT HIM ON SALARY.
327
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,325
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY HIM OUT OF
328
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,770
YOUR OWN POCKET ANYMORE.
329
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,495
>> Jon: THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
330
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,230
>> YEAH.
331
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,404
>> Jon: TERRIFIC.
332
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,442
"CHEERS"...TO THAT.
333
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,967
>> I'VE GOT SOME MORE GOOD NEWS.
334
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,472
I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS
335
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,013
FOR YOUR SHOW, AND IT SEEMS YOUR
336
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,239
RATINGS HAVE GONE UP, SO
337
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,283
CONGRATULATIONS.
338
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,747
[ ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
339
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:06,106
NO.
340
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:06,983
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
341
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,320
>> I WAS JUST BEING FRIENDLY.
342
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,275
>> Jon: PUT IT BACK.
343
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,682
>> OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRICTLY
344
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:11,624
PROFESSIONAL.
345
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,419
>> Jon: YEAH, LIKE A BARTENDER
346
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,450
AND A WAITRESS.
347
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,264
>> NOT AT ALL LIKE A BARTENDER
348
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,356
AND A WAITRESS.
349
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,927
>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.
350
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,456
YOU LIKE RATINGS, RIGHT?
351
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,001
AND A ROMANCE BETWEEN THE TWO OF
352
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:26,096
US WOULD EQUAL "HELLO, NIELSEN."
353
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,699
>> BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE.
354
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,141
>> Jon: A LITTLE TOO HOT AND
355
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:29,936
SEXY, HUH?
356
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,837
>> NO. I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.
357
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,139
>> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT.
358
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,780
>> AND I'M SEEING SOMEONE.
359
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:38,175
>> Jon: WHO? COUNT PIZZULA?
360
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,048
>> THERE SHE IS!
361
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:39,506
>> HI!
362
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:40,982
>> PLEASE WELCOME THE LADY I'M
363
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,551
TAKING TO LUNCH!
364
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,419
[ SMOOCHES ]
365
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,971
>> YOU OKAY, JON?
366
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,797
>> Jon: CAN'T BELIEVE PETE WOULD
367
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,542
STAB ME IN THE BACK LIKE THAT.
368
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,166
I GIVE HIM A JOB -- HE TAKES
369
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,682
MY GIRL?
370
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,235
HE KNEW ABOUT THE SAM-AND-DIANE
371
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,412
VIBE.
372
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:12,851
I'D LIKE TO WARM UP HIS NUTS
373
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:14,546
WITH A SWIFT KICK TO THE SAC.
374
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:17,047
>> WAAAAH! WAAH! WAAH! WAAH!
375
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,250
ENOUGH!
376
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,552
ARE YOU GONNA POUT AND COMPLAIN
377
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:25,494
LIKE A BABY ALL DAY, JON?
378
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,932
WORDS ARE A COWARD'S SWORD.
379
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,758
BOLD DEEDS ARE THE WEAPON OF THE
380
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:31,604
BRAVE.
381
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:34,168
NOW, YOU NEED TO STOP ACTING
382
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,897
LIKE THE JON YOU THINK YOU ARE
383
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:39,544
AND START ACTING LIKE THE SAM
384
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,539
YOU KN YOU ARE.
385
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:47,047
>> Jon: HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
386
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,347
* I'M ABOUT TO GET [BLEEP] BLOWN
387
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,319
ALL OVER THIS [BLEEP] *
388
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:58,428
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
389
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,385
[ FLOORBOARDS CREAK ]
390
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:25,620
>> VODKA...
391
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,230
>> THIS IS VERY SERIOUS PIECE OF
392
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,598
NEWS YOU BRING ME.
393
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,396
>> IT IS WHAT IT IS, MAN.
394
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,298
SOMEBODY WANTS YOU DEAD, AND
395
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,400
THEY OFFER ME A QUARTER MIL TO
396
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:42,972
DO IT.
397
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,840
NOW, I AIN'T GOT NO BEEF WITH
398
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,908
YOU.
399
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:49,176
THAT'S WHY I AM HERE...
400
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:50,976
AND WHY YOU AIN'T DEAD.
401
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:53,078
>> HOW MUCH TO CALL IT OFF?
402
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,250
>> DOUBLE. HALF A MIL.
403
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:59,189
BY TOMORROW.
404
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,146
>> VERY WELL.
405
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,731
>> Jon: HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
406
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:19,166
WANG GANG!
407
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,472
[ Breathlessly ] WHAT'S...GOING
408
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:22,014
ON?
409
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,209
WHOO!
410
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,380
I JUST DID A SOLID THREE.
411
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:28,978
OH, MAN!
412
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:29,622
AHH!
413
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,786
YOU GUYS GOT A BIKE RACK?
414
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,215
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET ONE,
415
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,790
'CAUSE, UH, I'M REALLY GETTING
416
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:35,558
INTO CYCLING.
417
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,055
PROBABLY GONNA SHOW UP HERE A
418
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:39,027
LOT ON MY BIKE.
419
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:39,826
>> JON.
420
00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,527
WHAT BRINGS YOU BY SO
421
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,958
UNANNOUNCED AND SO OUT OF SHAPE?
422
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,304
>> Jon: OH, I WANT YOU GUYS TO,
423
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,569
UH, BUILD THIS FOR ME IN HERE.
424
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,538
I KNOW IT'S A LOT TO ASK.
425
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,737
I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF
426
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:55,039
CONSTRUCTION AND, UH, A LOT OF
427
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,642
NOISE, BUT, UH --
428
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,183
>> WE'LL DO IT...
429
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,908
FOR $500,000.
430
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,484
>> Jon: GREAT! WOW!
431
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:04,853
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE.
432
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:07,192
>> HEY, JON, WHERE'S PETE?
433
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,693
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, AND I
434
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,291
DON'T CARE!
435
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,800
>> AHH!
436
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,502
>> MEN, THE TIME HAS COME
437
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,374
TO START PRODUCTION ON
438
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,743
KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE VODKA
439
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,441
BRAND VODKA.
440
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,284
>> CONGRATULATIONS, YVGENY!
441
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,350
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF
442
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:35,878
US.
443
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:38,353
NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE,
444
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,691
OF COURSE...
445
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,457
WITHOUT HELEN.
446
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,685
[ SMOOCHES ]
447
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,662
MISS VICE PRESIDENT.
448
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,871
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
449
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:06,982
>> NO, I'M LOOKING AT THE POSTER
450
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:07,380
NOW.
451
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:07,980
IT'S GOOD.
452
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:10,081
IT'S TESTING REALLY WELL, TOO.
453
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,723
[ DOOR OPENS ]
454
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:12,918
[ SIGHS ]
455
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,060
ANOTHER DELIVERY FROM "SAM"?
456
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,286
UH, NO. NOTHING.
457
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,060
I JUST GOT FLOWERS HERE.
458
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,129
READ THE CARD.
459
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,798
"WARM UP THOSE LIPS AND MEET
460
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:24,725
YOUR WARM-UP TONIGHT AT 9:00 FOR
461
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,601
A SPECIAL NIGHT OF SPECIAL TIMES
462
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,899
WITH A SPECIAL LADY."
463
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,501
OH! GOOD. THEY'RE FROM PETE.
464
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,342
I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE TAKEN
465
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,508
ANOTHER DELIVERY OF
466
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,735
DIANE-FODILS.
467
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,011
YEAH.
468
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,809
[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
469
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,460
THANK YOU.
470
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,358
IS PETE FONTAINE HERE?
471
00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:01,274
>> WELCOME TO JON'S PUB...
472
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,798
WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU
473
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,342
ARE.
474
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,138
>> WHAT?
475
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,480
[ "CHEERS"-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]
476
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,676
>> HELLO.
477
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:20,054
I'M THE GLAZIER.
478
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,363
YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, FRASIER,
479
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,815
FROM "CHEERS."
480
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,563
>> HEY, EVERYBODY.
481
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:28,228
>> All: JAY!
482
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,658
>> HEY, JAY, WHAT'S UP WITH THE
483
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:30,162
AVOCADO?
484
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,533
>> OH, JUST TRYING TO BE MORE
485
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:32,871
HEALTHY -- YOU KNOW, EAT MORE
486
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:33,995
VEGETABLES.
487
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,001
>> ALTHOUGH I APPLAUD YOUR
488
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,373
HEALTHY EFFORTS, UH, TECHNICALLY
489
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:39,711
AN AVOCADO IS A FRUIT.
490
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:40,236
>> OH.
491
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,040
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S A FRUIT, YOU
492
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:42,582
FRUIT.
493
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:43,405
[ CHUCKLES ]
494
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,380
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
495
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,708
>> UH, INTERESTING STORY ABOUT
496
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:48,854
THE AVOCADO.
497
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:51,078
THE WORD "AVOCADO" COMES FROM
498
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,154
THE AZTEC WORD "AGUACATE,"
499
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,653
MEANING "TESTICLE."
500
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:55,594
>> Jon: OH.
501
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,758
I'VE HEARD OF BLUE BALLS, BUT,
502
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,157
UH, GRE BALLS?
503
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,429
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
504
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,927
[ BELL CLANGING ]
505
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,529
>> SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU BY
506
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,171
JON'S PUB ON SUCH A LOVELY
507
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,096
NIGHT, SUSAN?
508
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,040
>> Jon: YEAH.
509
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,835
DID YOU GET SOME FLOWERS FROM
510
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,396
PETE FONTAINE OR SOMETHING?
511
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,374
>> VERY FUNNY.
512
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,112
>> Jon: I HEARD IT WAS A DOZEN
513
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:14,667
ROSES.
514
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,914
NOT BAD.
515
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,048
WHAT DID THEY SMELL LIKE --
516
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:18,945
SEXUAL TENSION?
517
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,175
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
518
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,750
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK
519
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,448
YOU'RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH HERE,
520
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,950
BUT I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING
521
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:28,461
VERY CLEAR -- TO EVERYONE!
522
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,915
THERE IS NO SAM-AND-DIANE THING
523
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:32,934
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
524
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,885
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
525
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,034
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRICTLY
526
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:39,872
PROFESSIONAL.
527
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,366
I AM THE HEAD OF THE NETWORK,
528
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,638
ALSO KNOWN AS YOUR BOSS.
529
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:43,935
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
530
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:44,596
STOP IT!
531
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,374
AND IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO
532
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,113
HAVE A SHOW ON THAT NETWORK, I
533
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,608
SUGGEST YOU GET SOMETHING
534
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,539
STRAIGHT RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
535
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,584
THERE'S NOT ONE OUNCE OF SEXUAL
536
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,550
TENSION BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
537
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,222
>> Jon: OKAY.
538
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,562
MAYBE THERE'S SOME SENSUAL
539
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:05,557
TENSION.
540
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,328
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
541
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,597
HOW ABOUT A BACK RUB?
542
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,825
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
543
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,499
>> HEY, SUSAN, DON'T FORGET --
544
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,468
FRASIER HAD A SPIN-OFF.
545
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,638
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
546
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,541
[ LATCHES CLICK ]
547
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:24,138
>> $500,000.
548
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,454
SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE, JUST LIKE
549
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,346
WE AGREED.
550
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,947
WANG CHOS HAD NO IDEA.
551
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:31,078
>> PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH
552
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,024
YOU.
553
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:35,789
PLEASURE GETTING JON MONEY.
554
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,758
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
555
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,103
>> WHO WAS THAT?
556
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,372
AND WHAT IS THIS?
557
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,540
>> THIS QUARTER-MILLION DOLLARS.
558
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:53,939
I TRICK WANG CHOS.
559
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,010
WE GET MONEY FOR VODKA COMPANY.
560
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,709
[ MOTOR WHIRS ]
561
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,981
[ Sarcastically ] OH, NO!
562
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,050
WHAT HAPPENED?
563
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,018
THE MONEY -- IT'S FALLING INTO
564
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:04,976
THE SHREDDER.
565
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,324
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
566
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,359
I BET YOU REALLY COULD HAVE USED
567
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,055
THAT MONEY, NOW THAT WE ARE
568
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,616
NON-CRIME FAMILY.
569
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,634
OH, AND ONE MORE THING.
570
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:16,156
THE FIRST POTATO YOU PUT IN THE
571
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:19,173
PROCESSOR -- THAT WAS NOT HELEN.
572
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:19,866
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
573
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,026
OF COURSE IT WAS HELEN.
574
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,174
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
575
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:26,311
>> THI HELEN!
576
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:39,323
[ "CHEERS"-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]
577
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:44,391
>> All: JAY!
578
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,431
>> CHEER UP, JON.
579
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:47,926
A RELATIONSHIP IS A TRICKY
580
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:48,497
BEAST.
581
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,595
IT'S HARD TO TAME.
582
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,256
AND DON'T FORGET -- IT DIDN'T
583
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,074
WORK OUT IN THE END FOR THE REAL
584
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,495
SAM AND DIANE.
585
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,101
>> Jon: YEAH, BUT AT LEAST HE
586
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,872
GOT TO PUT HIS SAM UP HER DIANE
587
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,440
A FEW TIMES BEFORE IT ENDED.
588
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,869
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
589
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,583
>> BENEDICT ARNOLD -- 12:00.
590
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,546
>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
591
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,905
NONE OF US ARE COLD.
592
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,683
WE DON'T NEED ANY WARMING UP
593
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:09,581
AROUND HERE.
594
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,952
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
595
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,420
>> I KNOW.
596
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,049
>> Jon: THEN GET OUT.
597
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:15,123
I FIRED YOU.
598
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,591
>> LOOK, SUSAN TOLD ME THERE'S
599
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,189
NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO
600
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,131
OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?
601
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:20,555
OTHERWISE, I WOULD HAVE NEVER
602
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,130
MADE A MOVE.
603
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,928
IN ANY CASE, WE BROKE UP.
604
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,471
BEING WITH HER JUST...
605
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,137
GOT TO BE TOO ANNOYING.
606
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,235
>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]
607
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,407
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
608
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:33,235
>> NO.
609
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,410
NO, SUSAN'S GREAT, OKAY?
610
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,878
S-SHE'S SMART AND SAVVY, AND
611
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:40,047
SHE'S JUST A SWEETHEART.
612
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,476
IT'S JUST...EVERY TIME WE WERE
613
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,222
TOGETHER, YOUR NAME KEPT COMING
614
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,988
UP.
615
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,486
"JON'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
616
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:50,819
JON'S SO ANNOYING.
617
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,733
SORRY -- I HAVE TO CANCEL DINNER
618
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,485
PLANS BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO
619
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:56,304
SET 'CAUSE JON'S BEING A BABY
620
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,426
AGAIN."
621
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,170
>> Jon: BUT YOUR POINT IS THAT
622
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,595
MY NAME KEPT COMING UP.
623
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,500
SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME.
624
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:03,472
>> NO, JON.
625
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,640
I CAME HERE TO SAY [BLEEP] YOU
626
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,808
ON BEHALF OF SUSAN, ALL RIGHT?
627
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:08,407
ME? ME?
628
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:09,808
I'M -- I'M GONNA BE FINE.
629
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:10,509
ALL RIGHT?
630
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,910
I'LL MEET SOMEBODY ELSE.
631
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,311
I-IT'S NOT ME WHO'S HAD HER LOVE
632
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,354
LIFE DESTROYED BECAUSE SHE
633
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,749
CONSTANTLY HAS TO BABYSIT SOME
634
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,291
SELFISH, SMUG, WHINY, PETULANT,
635
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,418
EGOMANIACAL, MAN-CHILD,
636
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,793
DOUCHE-BAG ASSHOLE!
637
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,831
YOU -- YOU DON'T NEED A WARM-UP
638
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,456
GUY FOR YOUR LIFE, JON.
639
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,501
YOU NEED GOD TO COME DOWN FROM
640
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,627
HEAVEN AND APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE
641
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,672
FOR SCREWING UP SO BAD WHEN HE
642
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,767
MADE YOU!
643
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,280
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?
644
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:45,205
DO US ALL A FAVOR AND LET THE
645
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,581
MIRMINSKYS KILL YOU ALREADY.
646
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,345
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
647
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,086
[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]
648
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,688
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
39647
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