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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S
2
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:09,306
JON.
3
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I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION
4
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PROGRAM.
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00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:12,945
THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,
6
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THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS
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MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,
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SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE
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LIFE.
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OWW!
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PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...
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[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
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>> I'LL WORK WITH YOU FOR A
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ONE-YEAR MINIMUM.
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$50,000 A MONTH.
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00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,804
>> IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD
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CONSIDER PAYING ANOTHER MILLION
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FOR PROTECTION.
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00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:37,612
>> HERE'S THE MILLION DOLLARS.
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[ TWO GUNSHOTS ]
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>> YOUR TIME COMING VERY SOON...
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JON'S WANG.
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>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
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[ ALARM CLOCK BUZZING ]
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[ BEEP ]
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[ SIGHS ]
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[ SCOFFS ]
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UNBELIEVABLE.
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T.B.!
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[ DOOR OPENS ]
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>> YEAH? WHAT'S UP?
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>> Jon: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS,
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MAN?
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>> [ CHUCKLES ] LOOKS LIKE
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SOMEONE HAD A CASE OF THE
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MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS.
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>> Jon: THE WHAT?
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>> MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS.
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IT'S WHAT WE CALLED LATE-NIGHT
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SNACKS AT GUANTáNAMO.
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LET'S JUST DROP IT.
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>> Jon: "MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS"?
43
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>> I SAID DROP IT!
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. SORRY.
45
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>> SO, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
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>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
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ABOUT?
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YOU LEFT A MESS.
49
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I'M PISSED OFF.
50
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THERE WAS BREAD ON MY DUVET.
51
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WHAT THE [BLEEP] MAN?
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[ GUN COCKS ]
53
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>> SOMEONE WAS IN HERE LAST
54
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NIGHT.
55
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>> JON, YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A
56
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CONDITION I LIKE TO CALL
57
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NOCTURNAL EATING SYNDROME --
58
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OR "NES" FOR SHORT.
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>> Jon: WHAT -- WHAT -- IS IT
60
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SERIOUS?
61
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>> IT'S A PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION
62
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TO STRESS, WHICH IS MANIFESTING
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ITSELF IN YOUR DREAM STATE.
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>> [ BANGS TABLE ] JON.
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THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY WANTS TO
66
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MURDER YOU.
67
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,929
OBVIOUSLY, THEY PARACHUTED INTO
68
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YOUR APARTMENT LAST NIGHT AND
69
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ATE A NICE, LONG MEAL JUST TO
70
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[BLEEP] WITH US.
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SIR, YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST
72
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CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT
73
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THIS HAPPENED.
74
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>> Jon: I MEAN, IF THEY DID
75
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THAT, THEY COULD HAVE POISONED
76
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MY FOOD!
77
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>> NO ONE PUT POISON IN YOUR
78
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FOOD!
79
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>> COULD BE TIME-DELAYED POISON.
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>> Jon: TIME-DELAYED POISON!
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I'M DYING RIGHT NOW!
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I'M DYING!
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I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
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I-IT'S THE POISON.
85
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[ GAGGING ]
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I WANT TO MAKE MYSELF THROW UP.
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>> SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
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DO?
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YOU WANT ME TO RIG YOUR LOFT
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WITH NIGHT-VISION CAMERAS SO WE
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CAN CATCH THE MIRMINSKYS
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PARACHUTING INTO YOUR APARTMENT
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AND EATING A NICE MEAL IN FRONT
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OF YOU JUST TO [BLEEP] WITH
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YOU?!
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>> Jon: YES!
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>> SO, YOU FIND FOOD IN YOUR
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HOUSE, AND YOU'RE SCARED TO
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DEATH?
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>> Jon: LOOK, I NEED MORE
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PROTECTION FROM YOU GUYS.
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>> IS ONLY NATURAL YOU WOULD
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FEEL THIS WAY, BEING ONLY AT
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GOLDFISH LEVEL.
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>> Jon: WHAT'S GOLDFISH LEVEL?
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>> GOLDFISH LEVEL OUR MOST BASIC
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PROTECTION PACKAGE.
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SOUND LIKE WHAT YOU NEED IS
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DRAGON LEVEL.
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>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.
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YOU HAVE PACKAGES?
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>> OF COURSE.
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DRAGON LEVEL WE RESERVE FOR OUR
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MOST ELITE CLIENTELE.
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YOU GET MORE ATTENTION, MORE
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COVERAGE, MORE...
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PERKSY-WERKSIES.
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>> Jon: PERKSY-WERKSIES?
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OKAY.
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WELL, HOW MUCH IS DRAGON LEVEL?
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>> DRAGON LEVEL IS EXTRA
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$100,000.
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>> Jon: YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR
124
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[BLEEP] MIND --
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>> ARE YOU QUESTIONING US?
126
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>> Jon: NO.
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WHAT ELSE WOULD I GET FOR ALL
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THAT MONEY?
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TICKETS TO BALLGAMES?
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YOU GUYS GOT A DAY SPA OR
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SOMETHING?
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WHAT DO I GET?
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>> UH, YES.
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ACCESS TO EXCLUSIVE WANG CHO
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DAY SPA.
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>> Jon: OKAY, YOU GUYS GOT A DAY
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SPA.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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WHERE IS IT?
140
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>> YOU HAVE TO CALL TO MAKE AN
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APPOINTMENT.
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. NO PROBS.
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I LIKE THAT.
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[ CLAPS ]
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OKAY, DRAGON LEVEL.
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YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.
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BE IN TOUCH, OKAY?
148
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[ CLAPS ]
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GUYS, GOOD NEWS!
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I'M GOING DRAGON!
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>> DON'T WORRY, JON.
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>> JON, TAKE THIS.
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>> Jon: WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME A
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TOOTH?
155
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>> IT'S NOT A TOOTH.
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IT'S A CYANIDE PILL -- IN CASE
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THE MIRMINSKYS RAPPEL IN HERE
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AND I CAN'T GET TO YOU IN TIME.
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BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO
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KILL YOU, YOU BITE DOWN ON THAT.
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BOOM. YOU'LL BE DEAD.
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YOU WIN.
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>> Jon: YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY
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WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
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I'M AT DRAGON LEVEL.
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[ SNORING ]
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[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
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[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
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[ MUMBLING ]
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>> HE'S STIRRING.
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>> MNH? WHAT? WHA--WHAT?
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>> Jon: [ MOANS ]
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[ SNORING ]
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>> AHH.
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>> Jon: [ SNORING CONTINUES ]
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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TEXTBOOK N.E.S.
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>> YEAH. WE'LL SEE.
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>> PUT THAT GUN AWAY.
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]
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>> IS THAT A STEAK?
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>> JON'S INNERMOST SELF MUST
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HAVE A LATENT NEED FOR PROTEIN.
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>> Jon: [ MUMBLING ]
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>> DID HE JUST GRAB THE
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CINNAMON?
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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INTRIGUING CHOICE.
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>> IS THAT A SIDE-SALAD CAESAR
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SALAD?
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>> Jon: [ MOANS ]
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>> NO.
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THEY'RE MICROGREENS --
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WITH CANDIED BALSAMIC BLOOD
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ORANGES AND A BLUE-CHEESE FOAM.
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>> WELL, WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
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DO A COOKING SHOW, SO LET'S SEE
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WHAT YOU GOT.
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>> I'VE SEEN PLENTY OF CASES OF
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N.E.S., BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN
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SOMEONE DEMONSTRATE
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SLEEP-COOKING BEFORE.
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>> I THINK THIS COULD HIT WITH
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OUR FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.
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>> Jon: [ Slurring ] LET'S GET
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THIS PARTY STARTED.
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>> WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?
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>> Jon: SUSAN. OHH.
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OH, YEAH! SUSAN!
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I, UH, I MUST BE DREAMING ABOUT
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MY EX-WIFE, SUSAN.
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>> SURE. OF COURSE.
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>> Jon: SUSAN, OH.
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SUSAN FROM NETWORK.
216
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SUSAN FROM NETWORK.
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LET'S GET THESE CLOTHES OFF.
218
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BOTH SUSANS.
219
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BOTH SUSANS KISS.
220
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YEAH, SUSANS.
221
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HUMPING BOTH SUSANS.
222
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SUSANS IS SO GOOD!
223
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>> OKAY.
224
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[ CLICK ]
225
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WOW.
226
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ASIDE FROM THE PILLOW THREE-WAY,
227
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I THINK WE'VE GOT SOME PRETTY
228
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AMAZING FOOTAGE.
229
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>> NOT AS AMAZING AS THIS
230
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TASTES.
231
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[ LID POPS ]
232
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>> [ Muffled ] OH, MY GOD.
233
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>> SUCCULENT, RIGHT?
234
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,729
>> IS THAT -- IS THAT CUMIN?
235
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>> CORIANDER AND AGAVE.
236
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>> AND YOU'VE NEVER COOKED
237
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PROFESSIONALLY BEFORE?
238
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>> NO.
239
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,765
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AGAVE IS.
240
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[ LAUGHS ]
241
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,235
>> THROUGH OUR WORK TOGETHER,
242
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JON HAS MANAGED TO BREAK INTO
243
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,936
HIS SUBCONSCIOUS, AND THERE,
244
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,512
HE'S TAPPED INTO SOME REPRESSED
245
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,911
CREATIVE IMPULSE.
246
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,013
>> I JUST THINK WE HAVE
247
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,424
SOMETHING HERE -- AGAIN, WITHOUT
248
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,215
THE PILLOW RAPE.
249
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,416
WE JUST NEED A NAME.
250
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:06,588
>> Jon: [ CLAPS ]
251
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,247
I GOT IT.
252
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,524
>> DON'T SAY IT, JON.
253
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,592
>> Jon: YES, T.B.
254
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,920
IT IS THE PERFECT NAME.
255
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,234
>> JON [BLEEP] DAMN IT.
256
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,185
DON'T YOU DARE.
257
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,863
>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT T.B. USED
258
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,432
TO CALL LATE-NIGHT SNACKS AT
259
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:17,199
GUANTáNAMO?
260
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,467
>> HOW DARE YOU, JON.
261
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:20,195
>> Jon: MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS.
262
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,370
>> MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS?!
263
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,799
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
264
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,444
>> Jon: GUYS, I COME WITH GOOD
265
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,868
NEWS.
266
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,084
TURNS OUT, I JUST HAD NOCTURNAL
267
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,436
COOKING SYNDROME.
268
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,413
IT'S COOKING IN MY SLEEP --
269
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,282
SLEEP-COOKING.
270
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,921
ANYWAY, UH, MY POINT IS, I'D
271
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,586
LIKE TO GET MY MONEY BACK AND
272
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,115
GO BACK TO GOLDFISH LEVEL.
273
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:41,289
>> YES, ABOUT THAT -- WE JUST
274
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,558
RECEIVE THREAT FROM MIRMINSKY
275
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:45,427
FAMILY.
276
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,955
I ACTUALLY RECOMMEND YOU UPGRADE
277
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,801
FROM DRAGON LEVEL TO
278
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:53,467
SUPER DRAGON LEVEL.
279
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,736
EXTRA $200,000.
280
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,436
> Jon: NO WAY, MAN! COME ON!
281
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,337
>> VERY WELL.
282
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,738
REMAIN AT DRAGON LEVEL.
283
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,681
BUT...YOU KNOW WHAT THE
284
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:07,107
MIRMINSKYS JUST SENT US?
285
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,984
THIS AWL.
286
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,593
IT'S LIKE A SCREWDRIVER, BUT
287
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,185
WITH A SHARP POINT.
288
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,486
MAYBE SERGEI USE SCREWDRIVER
289
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,958
RIGHT INTO YOUR BRAIN -- IN AND
290
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,788
OUT, IN AND OUT.
291
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,103
GETS ME HARD JUST THINKING
292
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,555
ABOUT IT.
293
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,799
>> Jon: YEAH, MAYBE, UH...
294
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:31,944
WHY DON'T WE TRY THIS
295
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:32,969
SUPER DRAGON LEVEL?
296
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,443
THAT'S A GOOD CALL.
297
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,342
UH, HEY, UM...
298
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:37,013
[ CLAPS ]
299
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,510
SPA OPEN?
300
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,621
I COULD GO FOR A NICE "SCHLONG"
301
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,175
MASSAGE.
302
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,788
>> LET'S SAY HELLO AND THEN
303
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,957
GOOD NIGHT TO THE SLEEP CHEF
304
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,816
HIMSELF, JON!
305
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,064
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
306
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,529
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
307
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,203
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET'S HAVE
308
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,228
SOME FUN TONIGHT!
309
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,532
[ MUSIC PLAYS ]
310
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:05,013
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
311
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,305
[ CLOCK TICKING ]
312
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,776
[ SNORING ]
313
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,386
[ GRUNTS ]
314
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:23,585
[ MOANING ]
315
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:28,760
[ SNORING ]
316
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,532
[ MUMBLING ]
317
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,670
>> Good luck, Jon.
318
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:32,725
>> UH?
319
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,843
[ Slurring ] HEY...GET OUT!
320
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:39,006
GET OUT OF HERE, JAY.
321
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,036
[ CLOCK TICKING ]
322
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:40,840
[ MUMBLING ]
323
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,411
>> LOOKS LIKE HE'S STARTING
324
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,749
THINGS OFF WITH A POACHED EGG.
325
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,946
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
326
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:48,918
>> SMOKED SALMON.
327
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,276
I BELIEVE HE'S GONNA MAKE A
328
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,053
NORWEGIAN BENEDICT.
329
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,892
>> Jon: [ MUMBLING ]
330
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,957
>> THE REAL STAR OF ANY BENEDICT
331
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,556
IS OBVIOUSLY THE SAUCE.
332
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:58,857
[ CLOCK TICKING ]
333
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,629
>> THAT IS A PERFECT POACH.
334
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:02,597
>> BUT IT'S NOTHING WITHOUT THE
335
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:03,225
SAUCE.
336
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,630
[ TIMER DINGS, CLOCK TICKING ]
337
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,601
>> HERE IT IS.
338
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:06,968
HERE COMES YOUR SAUCE.
339
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:07,867
THERE IT IS.
340
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:08,768
>> [ GROANS ]
341
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,139
WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?
342
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:10,967
>> AND BOOM.
343
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,311
LOOK AT THAT DRIZZLE.
344
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,735
>> Jon: [ MOANING ]
345
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,541
>> OKAY, HE'S ALMOST DONE
346
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,312
PLATING.
347
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,249
>> Jon: [ MOANS ]
348
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,405
[ MUSIC PLAYS ]
349
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:24,323
[ APPLAUSE ]
350
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,987
[ SNORING ]
351
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,556
[ GRUNTS ]
352
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,085
>> [ Softly ] HEY.
353
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,890
GREAT JOB, SLEEPYHEAD.
354
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,802
THE SHOW WAS A HUGE SUCCESS.
355
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,395
>> Jon: YEAH?
356
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,496
WHA-- WHAT'D I MAKE?
357
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,928
>> A NORWEGIAN BENEDICT.
358
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:41,944
MM-HMM.
359
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,435
>> Jon: YEAH?
360
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,306
DID YOU SAVE ME SOME?
361
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,236
>> NO.
362
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,080
>> Jon: OH, WELL.
363
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,406
HEY, SUSAN.
364
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,110
UH, W-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE
365
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:52,582
SHOW?
366
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:53,509
>> IT WAS GREAT.
367
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,153
I'LL GET YOU A COPY OF THE TAPE
368
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,678
VERY SOON.
369
00:11:56,683 --> 00:12:00,093
SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
370
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,117
>> Jon: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
371
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:01,991
WHAT -- WHAT'S WRONG?
372
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,119
>> YOU ENDED UP TRYING TO HAVE
373
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,593
SEX WITH HER PILLOW AGAIN.
374
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:06,762
>> Fifth base.
375
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,030
>> Jon: OH!
376
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,369
>> Jon: YEAH, I THINK I WANT TO
377
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:13,866
CELEBRATE.
378
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,167
GO TO BLOOMIE'S, GET A NEW PAIR
379
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,038
OF CARGO SHORTS.
380
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,467
I HEAR THEY MAKE A PAIR THAT HAS
381
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,111
12 POCKETS.
382
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:19,536
>> WOW.
383
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:20,809
>> Jon: HOW SWEET DOES THAT
384
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:21,208
SOUND?
385
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,138
>> EXCUSE ME! JON?
386
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:22,882
>> WHOA, WHOA.
387
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:23,976
SLOW DOWN, LITTLE LADY.
388
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:24,847
>> Jon: WHOA, T.B.
389
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:25,475
CHILL.
390
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,148
>> THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
391
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,147
I'VE BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE YOUR
392
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,049
BUILDING TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
393
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,291
MY NAME IS MARLO.
394
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,685
I-I'VE BEEN TO THREE
395
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,686
"MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS" TAPINGS
396
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,688
ALREADY.
397
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,229
YOUR COOKING -- IT MOVES ME.
398
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:42,056
YOU'RE SO CALM AND DELICATE, YET
399
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,562
FIRM AND PRECISE.
400
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,033
YOU PUT SO MUCH LOVE INTO EVERY
401
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:46,503
DISH.
402
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,999
IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
403
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,471
BRINGING A NEW BABY INTO THE
404
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,869
WORLD EACH TIME, AND...I JUST
405
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,473
HAD TO MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE
406
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:54,984
APRON.
407
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,475
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
408
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,046
ABOUT TO GO SHOPPING FOR CARGO
409
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,305
SHORTS.
410
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,383
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN ME?
411
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,982
>> [ GASPS ]
412
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,494
YEAH, I WOULD LOVE TO! YES!
413
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,686
>> Jon: PRETTY SWEET, HUH?
414
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,087
BUY 12 POCKETS, GET TWO POCKETS
415
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,519
FREE.
416
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:11,323
[ CHUCKLES ]
417
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,264
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
418
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:13,259
>> Jon: NOT BAD.
419
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:13,890
>> YEAH.
420
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,564
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO BAD
421
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,002
YOUR NAME ISN'T LORRAINE,
422
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,267
'CAUSE, UH, I WOULDN'T MIND
423
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:19,525
TAKING A BITE OUT OF THIS
424
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,702
QUICHE.
425
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,340
[ CHUCKLES ]
426
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,935
>> YOU KNOW, I-I THINK I'VE MADE
427
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,167
A MISTAKE.
428
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:27,573
I'M SORRY, JON.
429
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:30,214
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
430
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,540
>> Jon: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
431
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,354
THINGS WERE GOING SO GREAT.
432
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,106
>> MARLO!
433
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:35,384
HOLD ON A SECOND!
434
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,722
MARLO, WHEN YOU WATCH JON
435
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,217
SLEEP-COOKING, YOU FIND HIM
436
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,090
APPEALING, CORRECT?
437
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,589
>> YES, VERY MUCH.
438
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,360
>> JON.
439
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,557
IF YOU TWO WILL INDULGE ME, I
440
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,629
HAVE A PLAN.
441
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,397
IT MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE
442
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:52,526
UNORTHODOX, BUT I SUSPECT IT'LL
443
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,302
WORK WONDERS.
444
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:59,372
IT'S CALLED SLEEP-DATING.
445
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,812
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
446
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,907
>> * DATING SOMEONE IN THEIR
447
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,380
SLEEP *
448
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:08,147
* IT'S NOT EASY TO DO
449
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:11,648
* IT'S A ONE-SIDED LOVE AFFAIR
450
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:15,591
>> OH! OH!
451
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:18,088
>> * BUT IT'S A SACRIFICE THAT
452
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:22,101
LOVERS SOMETIMES HAVE TO MAKE *
453
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,555
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
454
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,303
>> * EVEN IF ONE PERSON'S NOT
455
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,739
ALL THERE *
456
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,965
* YEAH
457
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:31,741
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
458
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:32,968
>> * OOH
459
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,513
>> OH, SLEEP JON! OH, SLEEP JON!
460
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,938
[ MOANS, PANTS ]
461
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:39,014
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
462
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:42,582
>> * OOH, OH
463
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,621
>> Jon: [ YAWNS ]
464
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,834
I'M TOTALLY ASLEEP RIGHT NOW.
465
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,926
JUMP MY BONES, HONEY.
466
00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,868
[ FOOTSTEPS DEPART ]
467
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:01,867
>> ALL RIGHT, JON.
468
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:02,938
[ WATER SWISHING ]
469
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,496
LET'S BEGIN OUR BATHTUB-THERAPY
470
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,144
SESSION.
471
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,609
WHEN YOU'RE READY.
472
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:17,990
>> Jon: [ GASPS ]
473
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,015
>> THAT'S RIGHT, JON.
474
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:19,889
>> Jon: [ COUGHS ]
475
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,346
>> NOW I WANT YOU TO SHIFT GEARS
476
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,024
A LITTLE BIT.
477
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,322
WE'VE DONE THE VERBAL THING.
478
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,563
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO VISUALIZE
479
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,128
ALL YOUR FEELINGS.
480
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,597
>> Jon: [ COUGHS ]
481
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:46,652
>> AH.
482
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,176
I'M REALLY SORRY, JON, BUT I'M
483
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,721
GONNA HAVE TO CUT THIS SESSION
484
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:50,216
SHORT.
485
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,717
I'VE GOT A PITCH MEETING WITH
486
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,848
SUSAN FROM THE NETWORK.
487
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:55,893
YEP. WISH ME LUCK.
488
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,418
[ CHUCKLES ]
489
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,364
>> Jon: WAIT A MINUTE!
490
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,528
WHO -- WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK
491
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:00,986
TO NOW?
492
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,734
[ SPLASH ]
493
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,559
THERE'S AWAKE JON, AND THEN
494
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,504
THERE'S SLEEP JON.
495
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:07,929
I NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO
496
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,504
GET AWAKE JON TO A PLACE WHERE
497
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,542
HE IS AS HAPPY, IF NOT HAPPIER,
498
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:12,908
THAN SLEEP JON.
499
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,375
GOT TO TALK TO MARLO. BUT HOW?
500
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,235
GUESS WHAT. SAME DICK.
501
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,884
SHE DOESN'T WANT THE DAY DICK.
502
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,278
SHE WANTS THE NIGHT DICK.
503
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,780
I'M SORRY. AM I BORING YOU?
504
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,521
IT'S CALLED SUPER DRAGON LEVEL.
505
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:24,616
YOU HA TO LISTEN!
506
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,187
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX
507
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,716
WITH AWAKE JON, BUT SHE VERY
508
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,260
WELL BETTER HAVE RESPECT FOR
509
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:29,716
HIM.
510
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,462
[ Crying ] AND I DON'T LIKE THE
511
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,888
FACT THAT EVERYONE LIKES
512
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,592
SLEEP JON MORE THAN AWAKE JON!
513
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,234
>> THAT'S IT!
514
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:39,129
SUPER DRAGON LEVEL EXPIRED!
515
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:39,632
GET OUT!
516
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,872
>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
517
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:41,427
"EXPIRED"?
518
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,904
>> SUPER DRAGON LEVEL LASTS ONLY
519
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:43,542
TWO WEEKS!
520
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:44,236
>> Jon: FINE.
521
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,607
SIGN ME UP FOR TWO MORE WEEKS.
522
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:46,205
>> NO!
523
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,966
SUPER DRAGON LEVEL SIGN-UP IS
524
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:48,744
TOMORROW!
525
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,611
YOU SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP AND GET
526
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:51,040
OUT!
527
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:51,814
>> Jon: FINE.
528
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,281
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, THEN.
529
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,450
>> GO SEE A THERAPIST!
530
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,648
>> YES, AMY.
531
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,750
YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS.
532
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,122
JAKE! MAGGIE!
533
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,621
[ Crying ] THAT'S NO WAY TO
534
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:03,462
COMMUNICATE.
535
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,716
VERY GOOD, BRAD.
536
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,564
BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT TO TELL
537
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,389
ANGELINA.
538
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:08,164
[ SOBS ]
539
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,401
VERY GOOD, TIM.
540
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:10,226
TERRIFIC!
541
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,730
THAT'S A SIGNIFICANT
542
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,471
BREAKTHROUGH.
543
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,896
[ CLICK ]
544
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,271
[ BLOWS ]
545
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,469
THE SHOW WILL FOCUS EXTENSIVELY
546
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,271
ON THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND
547
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,413
EMOTIONAL WORK I'VE BEEN DOING
548
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,009
WITH ALL MY CELEBRITY CLIENTS.
549
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,281
IT'S CALLED "HEALIN' YOUR
550
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,580
FEELIN'S WITH THE GLAZE."
551
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,522
>> BRAD AND ANGELINA.
552
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,118
MAGGIE AND JAKE.
553
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,750
YOU'VE REALLY WORKED WITH ALL
554
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,224
THESE PEOPLE?
555
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:47,929
>> NOPE.
556
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,104
[ THEME MUSIC PLAYS ]
557
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,702
>> HE'S SIMMERING SOME MARZIPAN
558
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:51,543
OVER LOW HEAT.
559
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,168
>> THIS COULD BE BECAUSE OF THE
560
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,673
TROUBLE HE'S BEEN HAVING WITH
561
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,984
HIS GIRLFRIEND, MARLO.
562
00:17:56,976 --> 00:18:00,046
"MAR" -- "MARZIPAN."
563
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:02,976
"LO" -- "LOW HEAT."
564
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:07,052
>> Jon: [ MOANING ANGRILY ]
565
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,463
>> MARZIPAN LO MEIN BORSCHT.
566
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,056
>> I THINK HE MIGHT BE TRYING TO
567
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,658
COALESCE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT HIS
568
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:17,161
GIRLFRIEND AND THE RUSSIAN AND
569
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,474
CHINESE GANGS INTO A SINGLE
570
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:19,966
DISH.
571
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,726
EVERYTHING'S BUBBLING UP TO THE
572
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:25,374
SURFACE.
573
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,712
>> Jon: [ SNORES ]
574
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:28,577
>> AH.
575
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,135
NOW HE'S APPLYING A GLAZE TO
576
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,654
THE --
577
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,005
NO.
578
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,553
NO, THAT -- THAT'S, UH...
579
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,818
THAT'S NOT A GLAZE.
580
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,646
JON'S APPLYING A SECONDARY
581
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,721
APPLICATION OF HEAT.
582
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,160
>> RIGHT -- A GLAZE.
583
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:48,527
>> Jon: [ MUMBLING ]
584
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,398
[ GRUNTS ]
585
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:50,396
>> [ GIGGLES ]
586
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:53,367
OKAY. THANK YOU.
587
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,096
MMM. MMM.
588
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,072
THIS IS AMAZING.
589
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,040
>> Jon: [ GRUNTING ANGRILY ]
590
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:08,254
[ Slurred ] NO. NO. NO.
591
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:11,278
NO. NO. NO.
592
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,554
NO, NO. NO.
593
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:17,223
YOU GO TO BATHROOM.
594
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,764
>> WHAT'S WRONG, JON?
595
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,228
>> Jon: [ MUMBLING ]
596
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:20,787
>> WHAT?
597
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:21,793
>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]
598
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:22,864
>> WHA-- [ GASPS ]
599
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,632
SLEEP JON -- HAPPY.
600
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:26,301
AWAKE JON -- SAD.
601
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,469
SLEEP JON'S HAPPINESS IS
602
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,438
DESTROYING AWAKE JON.
603
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,737
>> Jon: [ MUMBLES ]
604
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:32,638
[ SNORES ]
605
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,809
>> AND IF THERE'S NO AWAKE JON,
606
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,937
THERE'S NO SLEEP JON.
607
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,813
>> Jon: [ SNORES ]
608
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,651
>> I'M SORRY, JON.
609
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:43,277
I-I ONLY WISH AWAKE JON WAS
610
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,253
HALF THE MAN YOU ARE.
611
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,317
>> Jon: [ GRUNTS ]
612
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,462
[ SNORES ]
613
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:53,929
>> I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,
614
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,456
SLEEP JON.
615
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,972
[ SMOOCHES ]
616
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,425
[ CRYING ]
617
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,644
>> Jon: [ SNORING ]
618
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:12,135
[ SIGHS ]
619
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,984
[ GROANS ] MAN.
620
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,820
[ COUGHS ]
621
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,175
[ GROANS ]
622
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:20,254
WHAT'S GOING ON?
623
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,363
HOW WAS THE SHOW LAST NIGHT?
624
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,615
>> "MIDNIGHT MUNCHINGTONS" GOT
625
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,334
CANCELED TWO DAYS AGO.
626
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,626
>> Jon: OH.
627
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,958
>> SUSAN CANCELED IT.
628
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,802
WE'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU,
629
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,368
BUT YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR
630
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,336
72 HOURS, JON.
631
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,535
>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]
632
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,536
WHERE'S MARLO?
633
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,837
>> YOU TWO BROKE UP.
634
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,808
>> Jon: SLEEP JON LET A SHMOKIN'
635
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,477
PIECE OF TUSH LIKE THAT GET
636
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,805
AWAY?
637
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,040
[ Chuckling ] OH, MAN.
638
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:45,854
WHAT A HOMO.
639
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:46,445
>> HEY.
640
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,106
I THINK IT'S A BREAKTHROUGH, TO
641
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:49,324
BE QUITE HONEST.
642
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,346
YOU HAVEN'T SHOWN ANY SIGNS OF
643
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,491
NOCTURNAL COOKING SYNDROME SINCE
644
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:54,486
THE BREAKUP.
645
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,287
>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
646
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,189
>> Jon: WELL, THAT IS A HUGE
647
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,130
BUMMER ALL ACROSS THE BOARD --
648
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,456
ON ALL FRONTS.
649
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,202
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
650
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,226
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
651
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:06,871
I THINK I GOT THE CURE FOR THE
652
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:09,066
BREAKUP BLUES.
653
00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:10,638
[ ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
654
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:12,237
WHERE ARE THOSE MASSAGE GIRLS,
655
00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:12,838
HUH?
656
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:13,709
COME ON.
657
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,006
MY WIENER'S AT GOLDFISH LEVEL.
658
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:17,978
[ LAUGHS ]
659
00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:22,347
GET IT?
660
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:23,679
[ LAUGHS ]
661
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,253
GET THOSE MASSAGE GIRLS IN HERE,
662
00:21:25,251 --> 00:21:26,551
I'LL GET IT UP TO SEA BASS
663
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,023
LEVEL.
664
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:28,519
A LITTLE EXTRA WORK, GET IT UP
665
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:29,521
TO BARRACUDA.
666
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,392
THEN SHARK.
667
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,261
THEN WHALE.
668
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:35,189
BLUE WHALE.
669
00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:36,534
[ LAUGHS ]
670
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,199
PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA SAY
671
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:40,167
"SPERM WHALE," RIGHT?
672
00:21:40,166 --> 00:21:41,396
[ LAUGHS ]
673
00:21:41,401 --> 00:21:42,771
THREW YOU A CURVEBALL.
674
00:21:42,769 --> 00:21:44,399
DON'T DIG IN TOO TIGHT IN THE
675
00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:46,174
BATTER'S BOX WHEN THIS GUY'S ON
676
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:46,842
THE MOUND.
677
00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:48,809
'CAUSE I'LL BRING THE HEAT!
40504