Original subtitles

I can't believe all students

are now required to take an after-school club.

When am I supposed to get my beauty rest?

Come on, Fred, it's gonna be fun.

I hope the Wratherheads choose archaeology.

I still don't understand why you get the big shovel and I get this.

Because when you tried to hold the big shovel, you pulled a kidney.

-Although, I'm not even sure-- -It's a thing.

Look at me! I'm a mad scientist!

Not really mad, this wig is a smile-maker.

What's with Ollie? I thought our choices were gonna be tennis or archaeology?

I bought shovels!

Mine came with a pail!

Further proving why I changed our club options to science or tennis.

Come on, don't you want to dig up a mummy? This is the way to go.

Coop, science or tennis is the way to go.

Trust me on this.

Yeah. You're usually right.

We'll do it your way.

Can you get rid of this?

Ugh! Second kidney down!

Hey, Wratherheads! Mom's waiting for us

in the car and told us to be quick, so here it is:

It's club sign-up day at school!

So, we need your help.

Would you rather do science experiments or play tennis?

Vote fast because we have to get to school by 8:00 to sign up.

Cool, lot of comments coming in.

"Sign-ups started at 7:30."

"Sign-ups started a half-hour ago."

"Almost every club's full."

Guys! I think we messed up the sign up time.

I knew you'd get there.

Well, well, well. I finally have you all to myself.

Would you rather drink this weird green stuff

or this weird blue stuff?

Ollie! To the car!

This isn't over!

We're too late.

Everything we wanted is filled!

But we have to pick something.

This club has spots left!

What is "school beautification"?

Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.

[orchestral hits]

It's that bad!

[theme music playing]

♪ Would you rather lose your phone ♪

♪ Or give up pizza for a month ♪

♪ Share your diary with the world ♪

♪ Or have to eat it for your lunch ♪

♪ Sing out of tune to your friends ♪

♪ Or trip and fall into your crush ♪

♪ Shave your head, paint it red ♪

♪ Or use your dog's toothbrush ♪

♪ We need a little Q and A ♪

♪ Come on, Wratherheads, play along ♪

- ♪ Would you rather do this ♪ -♪ Would you rather do this ♪

- ♪ Or would you rather do that ♪ - ♪ Would you rather do that ♪

♪ Don't matter what we do ♪

♪ We're doing it with you ♪

♪ I'd rather do that ♪

♪ Ask the world ♪

-♪ Would you rather do this ♪ -♪ Would you rather do this ♪

-♪ Or would you rather just dance ♪ -♪ Or would you rather just dance ♪

♪ No matter what we do We're doing it with you ♪

♪ I'd rather do that ♪

Ask the world!

♪ Would you rather do that? ♪

I didn't even know we had an old student lounge on the second floor.

I wish I still didn't.

This is clearly where sandwiches go to die.

[whistle tweets]

Less chitty-chat, more cleany-clean.

And my gammy said I couldn't pull off a sash.

Fred, the only reason Ms. Gazowski put you in charge

is because you complimented her orthopedic shoes.

They were the perfect combo of comfort and style.

But Ms. G also knows I won't hesitate to rat anyone out who doesn't help me turn

this student lounge into an awesome hangout.

Aah! My life just flashed before my eyes!

-Now that guy has the right idea. -[whistle tweets]

[Fred] Freeze, Evan!

You already used your one bathroom break. Clench your toes!

Listen, my buddy texted me

and said they added a few more spots in the Drama Club.

[Fred] And what, may I ask,

does drama have that beautification doesn't?

You gonna make me say it?

Auditions are later today.

Save yourselves.

Go ahead, leave! Not everyone has the stomach--

[screaming] Roach!

Safety turtle!

Just a friendly reminder,

ice skates should not be substituted as bowls for your nacho cheese.

"And thou shall ne'er forsook this visage."

"Our strength will help us smite--"

Do you know what any of this means?

I wasn't even sure they were words.

But what I do know is that we're gonna crush our auditions.

Bye-bye, beautification.

The special birthday boy is here!

-Hey, we saved you guys some tables. -Oh, thanks.

I can't believe Ollie's having another birthday party.

The first one was with his school friends. These are his hockey friends.

It's more of a birth-week than a birthday. Hop on board, Charlotte.

Wow, when I was a kid, you had one simple party with all of your friends and that was that.

This generation and their birth-weeks, so spoiled.

We had to have separate parties.

His hockey friends scare his school friends.

I don't know why.

[both grunting]

That might be why.

But this is the last party for the year, I promise.

If you say so, Mom.

[scoffs] Oh, just for the record,

you all had amazing parties when you were kids.

Like when we took you to that water park.

That was me.

Okay, well, then how 'bout when we had the petting zoo in the backyard?

That was me.

Don't you two have somewhere to go?!

We doesn't-ith, milady.

Maybe we do-ith.

It's fine, Mom, I didn't need all that fancy shmancy stuff, anyway.

Hey, your parties were fancy.

In fact, your fourth was one crazy blowout.

-You probably don't even remember. -I don't.

What kind of crazy blowout?

Oh, wow. I mean, like,

tons of kids,

a princess...

you know what else there was?

A pony.

I had a pony at my party?

I stand corrected.

-[phone beeps] -Note to me: Stop lying to your children.

-[phone voice] Sending text to children. -No, no no, no, no, no!

Oh, phew, that was close.

When does that lame-o teacher get here,

so we can see who snagged the final spot in Drama Club?

You're the teacher.

We auditioned for you yesterday.

I surprised you guys, so I could get a real reaction.

That's acting.

So, Mr. Kramsky--

Oh-oh! You dudes can call me K-Dogg.

Nope.

So, in this week's one act,

playing the role of Princess Cecilia will be Emily.

Playing Don Julio will be the Evan-nator.

But this is where it gets trick-ay for old K-Dogg.

Coop... you would make a top-notch Count Stefano.

Yes! I get to be the villain who locks the princess in the tower!

En garde!

That's old-timey for "Watch your butt!"

Hit the brakes, amigo, 'cause there's another actor

who would be off the... [sing-songy] hizz-ook!

-Cami. -What are you saying?

There's only one role left to fill.

Cami brings the "oomph," yet Cooper finds the feels.

What to do?

So...

one of us gets to stay in drama the entire semester,

while the other has to go back to cleaning up the disgusting lounge.

[sighs] I'm sure K-Dogg will make the right choice.

That guy?

Come on, Coop, you know how hard it'd be for me to work under Fred.

I really think me staying in drama is the way to go.

Trust me.

[sighs] Okay, Cami.

I guess the role's yours.

Mr. Kramsky?

Cooper and I agree that I should play Count Stefano.

Wow, look at you two, taking the "drama" out of drama.

Noise!

So, do I have to go back to beautification immediately or--

Welcome back, grunt.

Coop, I'm loving the gum scraping.

Brian! Stop dripping paint, or you lose all your Fred points!

I can't believe I'm back here

while Cami's rehearsing to be a villain in an awesome play.

Hate to say this, but nobody here is surprised

you gave the part to her. You "Coop'd out."

"Coop'd out"? What does that even mean?

It's an expression, you backed down to Cami,

-just like you always do. -I do not.

Really? When you wanted to do the Archaeology Club,

but she wanted Science, what happened?

-Well, we went with hers-- -In the morning,

when you're waiting for your turn in the bathroom, who gets to go first?

Well, Cami, but she doesn't roll out of bed looking like this.

When you wanna watch hockey, but she wants to watch a dance show...?

Well, we usually watch the dance show, but that's only because...

I always Cooper out!

It's "Coop'd out," copyright pending.

Ally, I can see your fingerprints all over that window!

Don't make me get out of my wagon!

Hey, Wratherheads, got a quick one.

Would you rather get dirty cleaning the school

or fight dirty against a friend?

FYI, cleaning the school means major bonding time with yours truly.

Thanks, Wratherheads.

My days of Cooping out are over.

Cooper, wait!

Brian, turn my wagon around, we got a runner.

Nice try.

You'll get plenty of cake at Chad's party, so hands off my grown-up cookies.

[whispering] I know where she keeps you.

We will be together.

Ooh, what you got there, sweetie?

Just a box of old tapes. I wanted to watch that video from my fourth birthday.

[coughing] Mm!

I totally forgot about those! [chuckles] Yeah. There are so many tapes in here.

I just need to go through the box.

-Oh, well, that could take-- -Found it!

No time at all!

We should watch it now.

A pony, in my backyard?

I bet my little four-year-old face is smiling the whole time!

Oh, shoot! We can't watch it now.

I have to take Ollie to Chad's birthday party.

-It's fine. I'll just watch it by myself. -No!

I wanna watch it with you!

But I have so much to do today. Between Chad's birthday

and all these papers I have to go through-- I know!

Why don't you take Ollie, I'll get all my work done,

and then we can watch it together later?

That sounds good.

-What time's the party? -Now.

Ollie loves dodgeball, so don't be afraid to stay until they close.

Okay, bye, guys, have fun.

[sighs]

[phone beeping]

Hi. Yes. I'd like to rent a pony

because I've told a string of lies to my eldest daughter.

Take heed, Don Julio, or you'll never see your princess again.

I kinda feel like I would shackle his legs here and feed him to the gators.

Love the instincts, C-Money, but it's only scene one.

Might shorten the play.

Great week, peeps.

The performance is this afternoon and someone's so confident,

he's wearing his super-lit cowboy boots.

Ha! Let's take five.

All right, Fred, time to get my part back.

Finally, you've been yammering about it all week.

Frankly, it's been affecting your mopping.

I needed the perfect moment to strike.

Last minute, so she can't retaliate. You know what you're supposed to do?

Cooper, you're talking to a guy with a sash.

Are you really asking that?

I'm actually shocked you were willing to leave the lounge unsupervised.

Don't worry, I have it covered.

I set up a nanny cam so I can make sure everyone's still on track.

[screams] They're destroying my wagon!

I need to get back. Let's do this.

There she is, the big star. Mint?

-I'm good. -You have to try one.

It's like a winter wonderland for your mouth.

Hard pass.

I'm trying to be nice. Your breath smells like Ollie's feet.

Next time, start with that.

See ya!

Yeah, Cami's been really sick.

I'm pretty worried about her.

Really? Cami!

-You good? -Yeah, I feel fine.

She's hundo P.

[sighs] What a scrappy, little trooper.

I hope it hasn't become contagious.

Contagious?

It'd be such a shame if she got everyone sick

and the play had to be canceled.

Whoa! That's no bueno.

Well, as long as she's not frothing from the mouth,

-you should be fine. -Ha.

Froth! From her mouth!

She's contagious!

K-Dogg doesn't do germs!

[kids yelling]

There's nowhere to hide, Chad!

[phone rings]

That's weird, it's our neighbor.

Hey, Mr. Brunell.

Wait, a what?

A donkey's chasing a magician in our front yard?

Hey, Lucas! This is for giving me socks for my birthday!

Yeah, Mr. Brunell, I think I know what's going on.

I'm just glad no one got hurt.

Oh, I hear the siren, I'll let you go. Bye!

[air horn blares]

Ollie, we have to get home. I just caught Mom in a lie.

She's setting up yet another party for you.

Isn't she the best?

Aw, you were trying to hit me with your teeny-weeny ball.

You're all so privileged! What's with all the anger?!

But, Diane, I'm all set up

to film my daughter's fake fourth birthday party

and all that's missing are the four-year-olds you promised!

Oh, they're napping. Oh, well, in that case, wake them up!

[sighs] Sorry, Princess, this party's turned into a nightmare.

The toddlers are late, the pony's a donkey and the magician quit.

I don't care if anyone shows up.

My rate's the same whether kids puke on me or not.

-Lovely. -[donkey braying]

I'm not sick!

It was from a trick mint that Fred gave me!

Cami, I can't take any chances.

I'm trying out for a Maroon 5 cover band this weekend.

Soon to be Maroon 6.

But what about the play?

Oh, wicked night, I tremble under thy moon.

Cooper, what are you doing?

Saving the play.

I memorized all the lines and would be happy to step in, K-Dogg.

[sighs] I knew that nickname was straight fire!

C-Train, you're in. C-Money, you're out. Yes!

I surprised you guys so I could get a real reaction.

That's acting.

This isn't fair!

Wait. If Cooper's in drama, that means...

A little to the left.

A little to the right.

No, a little to the left, um...

Yeah, I can't do this.

That's an original Fred!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Just came to say break a leg.

Wow, that's low.

No, it's a theater thing.

Sure, Cami, 'cause it's some sort of custom

to wish an actor to break a leg before a performance.

-Break a leg, Cooper! -You too, Ev!

Story checks out.

I'm glad you're not holding a grudge.

Me? Holding a grudge? Never. Mint?

A mint? I'll pass.

Whoops.

My hand keeps cramping from all the scrubbing

Fred's having me do in beautification.

Well, I should go. Bye.

Like C-Train's gonna fall for the old mint trick. Ha!

Now, where's my sword?

-[chain rattles] -[grunts]

So uncool-th!

Ha! I knew it! You are throwing Ollie another birthday party.

Pink cake?

Now you're just phoning it in.

What's going on, Mom?

This party wasn't for Ollie, it was for you.

What are you talking about?

I lied about your fourth birthday.

There was no princess, no magician, and no pony.

I tried to recreate it and pass it off as an old home movie,

but the donkey kicked the magician, and that princess ate my grown-up cookies!

The year you turned four was kinda tough on me.

Your dad was working a lot.

Cooper was teaching Cami how to crawl up and down the stairs.

Sounds like you had your hands full.

I shouldn't have lied.

I just didn't want you to think I don't care about you

as much as your brothers and sister.

You're my first baby.

I know that, Mom. I was just teasing you about all the birthday stuff.

If anything, you probably love me the most. Right?

If you want, we can still watch the video of your real fourth birthday?

I'd like that.

I finally got the babies to sleep.

-Happy birthday, sweetie-pie! -Thanks, Mom.

Make a wish!

What's a wish?

A wish is when you ask for something that would make you happy.

But I'm already happy, Mama.

Ohh.

-Well, then maybe just wish for a pony. -Okay.

And I'm still happy.

-Thanks, Mama. -Oh.

[donkey braying]

Best birth-week ever!

'Tis I who locked the princess in the tower,

and I shall never release her.

You shall rue this day, Count Stefano!

I do say--

-[squeaking, scraping] -What is that?

Don Julio!

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Yeah, this is mad confusing.

And I love it.

I, Count Stefano,

have traveled very far to tell you

that I have locked the princess in the tower.

How can that be when I am Count Stefano?

Here is a list of my kingdom's demands.

No, here is a list of my kingdom's demands.

I am a fool for letting thee within my city gates!

I challenge thee...

or him?

To a duel.

I can't fight both of you!

Don Julio, stall thyself, while I speak-ith with the town simpleton.

[chain rattling]

When I was asked to lead this ragtag team,

I had no idea how much this process would change my life.

It has been my honor to work by your sides--

We did all the work!

You're gonna make me cry, Stuart.

And I now present to you,

the one thing every student lounge should have--

A basketball hoop? A video game?

Shut it, Stuart.

A 500-pound bear fountain! Stuart, the look on your face says it all.

[floor cracking]

Ooh, this fountain even comes with authentic crackling river noises.

So relaxing!

It is really lonely out here in the town square.

I wish I had somebody to duel with.

Anybody?

Cooper, why are you fighting me so much on this?

-Because I'm not Cooping out this time. -I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about how I always back down to you.

That's so not true.

Okay, name one time you gave in to me.

[scoffing]

There was that one time!

And, of course, there was that other time!

And you can't forget about that last time!

See? I think I made my point.

Cami, I really wanted to do this play.

I mean, how often do I get to hit stuff with a sword without getting yelled at?

All you care about is getting out of beautification.

Why didn't you just tell me you felt this way?

Would you even have listened?

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I made you foam at the mouth.

That was a pretty good move.

In the future, I'll try and listen to your side and...

occasionally back down.

Thanks.

I think it's time for your big fight scene, Count Stefano.

You're giving me the part?

Yes!

Wait, how do I get this shackle off?

Seriously?

Hey! Where's the brother and sister that worked everything out?

There they are.

I am ready to engage in battle, Don Julio!

En garde!

Ha! Thou art no match for me!

[audience gasps]

[grunts, groans]

Only the gods above can save you now.

-[ceiling cracking] -[water dripping]

[Fred] Hey, buddy!

Looks like you got the part over Cami! Way to go!

So, I've been cleared of all charges.

And now the three of us are back together, making the world a more beautiful--

-[whistle tweets] -Less talking, more sweeping.

So, drama's on hold until the stage is fixed.

But Mr. Kramsky said I had mad acting skills!

Awesome! While you spend the rest of the semester in Drama Club,

I'll be torturing Fred in beautification.

We all win.

Guys! I think I fixed the fountain!

Sort of.

[Jenna] Fancy.