Original subtitles

Damn, did you park under a tree

with like 10,000 birds in it?

I... No, it's just, how much feces comes out

of one little bird butthole?

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- I got some in... ugh! - Ugh!

- Ugh! - Wash it out.

Ah! Oh, my God!

- Hey, Nora. - Hey!

- Doug. - Melanie, it's been a while.

It's been a minute.

It's awkward because you guys used to...

In the back of my Altima.

We did much more than scissor.

- Right, Doug? - Right. Right.

That is until you met Lisa, you fuck!

Don't, don't hit me. Not here, not here.

- (SPEAKING SPANISH) - Hey!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

I gotta go. I'll hit you later, all right?

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

Tell him, girl.

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

Anyway, uh, do you have the trumpet?

Oh, yes, I do.

Here we go.

Had her since fourth grade.

First thing I tongued.

- You know? - Oh.

- Lot of good memories. - Mm-hmm.

What do you... what do you need a trumpet for anyway?

My new man needs to sample it for a song.

Your new man?!

Didn't I tell you I was dating Rat Lung?

Who?

Wait, you don't know who Rat Lung is?

- No. - He's like a mildly famous SoundCloud producer.

We met when I interviewed him for Fazer.

Oh, yeah, congrats on the new job, by the way.

Thank you. Look, this is him right here.

Looks like he works at like Warby Parker or something...

Our sex is so Jurassic.

I sound like a pterodactyl every time, like...

- Oh. - (SQUAWKING)

- Oh, oh, okay. - (MOANS)

And you can't control that?

Look at this pic. Unh.

What is that, a neck tattoo?

Of Eleanor Roosevelt. He's a feminist.

Look, listen.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE)

I love this part when it's just like...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (LIQUID DRIPS) - And a drop.

Oh, yeah. Okay, whoa! Yeah.

Yeah, the whole track is made entirely

of the sound of independent women

using neti pots.

Beautiful.

Anyway, I gotta run.

So I'll just take the trumpet.

Thank you.

Just be careful with it, okay?

Okay, Nora, I'm gonna take care of it, okay?

I lost my virginity to it.

Shh, don't tell anybody that.

Okay, well, then I'll be gentle.

Thanks, girl.

(GRUNTING)

♪♪

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

(WALLY) It doesn't matter, Ma, just get rid of it.

Cover it up or something.

Oh, shit, the TV!

(GRANDMA) Oh, cover it up!

Hurry up, Ma.

Wow, not enough time.

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

What's, Aunt Sandra coming to town or something?

Yes! As usual, your Aunt Sandra

is coming from her hippie commune

out in New Mexico,

and she give us like one hour of notice.

What the hell is this, Ma?

The probiotic that she gave us.

- I'll put it out like we use it every day. - Yes.

- Nora! - Yeah.

- Here. - Oh.

♪ Ohana ♪

- Holy shit! - (GRANDMA CHEERING)

Xiao bao!

You look great!

Sandy, how long has it been?

You know I live in the present, Wally.

Mmm, oh! That feels good.

And Nora, my favorite niece.

Come on! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I missed you.

- I missed you, Aunt Sandra. - Aww...

Oh.

- Arlo! - (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, I didn't know you were coming too, little man.

Hey!

Oh.

Say hi to your big cousin.

Hi, Nora.

I hope the world is treating you

with kindness and mercy.

Yeah, it is.

Namaste.

- Namaste. - Yes.

- Namaste. - Perfect.

Now, I'm just dropping off Arlo and his food.

And then I'm off to see my shaman, oh.

Well, you're just gonna come and go as you please,

huh, Sandy?

Wally, I am not going to apologize

for connecting with new people,

mentally, spiritually, and...

- Don't say it. - ... sexually.

- Ugh. - When you coming back?

Four days max.

Four fuckin' days?

Remember, Arlo only eats ancient grains

and nut-based milk.

And please, no sugar, for the love of Gaia.

Don't worry, Sandy.

We're gonna take good care of the little dude.

How did he get so fat if he can't eat anything?

- (CACKLING LAUGH) - Ma?

He's fat!

♪♪

I didn't know bread came in white.

What do you normally eat, Arlo?

We farm everything at the compound,

including our own squash.

Can I have some of that?

Some of this?

Yeah.

Oh, this is soda, buddy.

I don't think you can have soda.

- I can. - Mm, I don't know, Arlo.

Please? I love you, Cousin Nora.

Oh, it's so cute.

Get down here. Hurry up.

Just have a... Just a little sip, all right?

Just let it touch your lips.

- Got it. - You promise?

Promise.

- Just a little sip. - All right.

(GULPING)

Ahh... (BURPS)

Oh, shit.

It's Arlo's world!

I pillaged the villages and sacrificed the peasants

to the pits of fiery hell!

(SCREAMING)

Faster, faster!

We're the Pony Express and the mail depends on us!

Oh, my goddamn knees!

- Ha-ha-ha. - (WHIP CRACKING EFFECT)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Arlo? Hey.

En garde!

Give me that back.

This is not a toy, at least not that kinda toy!

But I want to spar!

You don't know where this thing's been, Arlo.

- Duel with me! - I don't wanna duel with you!

- Duel! - Fine. Take it.

(DISTORTED SCREAMING) Oh...

my vag!

- (DISTORTED WAILING) - (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUD)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(PLASTIC CRUMPLING)

(QUEEF)

(WHISPERS) What was that? What was it?

(QUEEFS) It's me!

It's me.

(QUEEF)

What the fuck?!

♪♪

_

Fuck.

Hey, peeps. What's up?

It's Dr. Shithra.

Today's hot topic... queefs.

Okay, ladies, let's keep it real.

Whether it's from stress or a swollen vag

or bad sex with your ex-boyfriend Lenny,

we have all queefed before.

But don't worry, a queef is just air

trapped inside your vagina that wants to escape.

So just rest, air it out,

and it'll go away eventually.

But if it doesn't,

you might have cancer.

(YAWNING)

(GROANING) What happened?

You really crashed after you slammed

that chocolate syrup right out of the squeeze bottle.

I need alkaline water.

Maybe some mother's milk.

Don't look at me, kid.

What are you doing?

I'm playing a game.

I'm only allowed to play chess.

- Oh, yeah? - Uh-huh.

You see, if you like the woman,

- you swipe to the right. - Mm-hmm.

But if you don't like the woman,

you swipe to the left.

Mm-mm.

Oh, no, thank you. Eww, next.

You're just looking at their pictures.

You don't even know their favorite books!

Why don't you help me pick?

(SIGHS)

Smoker, nope.

Hmm, she used the wrong "their".

Whoo, Samantha's a doula. Wonderful!

Wait a second, where are you getting

all this information?

I'm reading their bios.

I never knew that people actually read those.

(PHONE CHIMES) _

(PHONE CLICKING) _

_

_

_

(QUEEFS) Oh...

Oh!

(PHONE VIBRATING, RINGTONE)

Hello?

(MELANIE) Nora, hey, you gotta get to the studio.

Rat Lung's recording,

and he told me to bring an Asian friend.

I can't.

I'm... I'm sick. I'm sick.

Short of you having anus shingles,

there's no reason for you not to be here.

Well, that's not anus shingles,

but it's comparable.

Ugh, don't be so lame, dude.

You only live once, Nora.

You really want me to ask Esther Wong instead?

'Cause I will. Ha, she's down for whatever.

No! Fuck Esther Wong! Fuck, fuck Esther Wong.

I'm down. Text me the address!

- Nice. - (QUEEFS)

Wait, what was that?

I... I just bought a... I bought a...

We adopted a cat.

Okay, gotta go, bye.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Great!

Uncle Wally! Wake up! Wake up!

- Huh? - You got a date!

Huh?

You're matched with Isabelle.

She also works at IT just like you.

Oh, interesting.

- Let me see what we're dealing with here. - Mm-mm-mm.

It doesn't matter what she looks like.

It matters that she's a Libra,

and I already set up a no-frills coffee date.

All right, fine.

I'll go on a blind date.

She's also very limber.

♪♪

♪♪

Yo! That sounds tight. You... you killin' it, bro.

You killin' it, bro!

I love that drumbeat. It's like a little...

- Oh, cut it, cut it, cut it. - (MUSIC STOPS)

(SOFT CHATTER)

Hey, can you stop that?

Oh, sorry, yeah. No, I thought he was...

Okay, it's very loud.

It's just that I thought he was in another room.

(WHISPERS) It's okay.

Okay, these are intricate and expensive sounds

created by a genius who deserves your respect.

(WHISPERS) Gotcha.

This shit is wack.

Yo, nothing feels right.

Hey, chin up, homie. You're perfect.

You're perfect.

- Really good. - So perfect.

- So, uh... - (RAT LUNG) You're perfect.

(BOTH MOANING, KISSING)

So I'm just gonna get outta here and skedaddle.

It's... it's late.

(QUEEFS)

(RAT LUNG) Wait. What was that?

Must've been something...

Things have been caught... Maybe this moth's here.

Think it's that moth there.

Give it a little water. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Melanie and Mr. Rat Lung.

(QUEEFS)

It's... it's you. How... how did you do that?

It wasn't... It was a non...

It wasn't...

I think it came from your pants.

No! No. It's... (QUEEFS)

- Oh... - No, I didn't... from there.

It was a vagina fart!

It was a queef!

I got kicked in the pussy!

- You should've told me. - I should've told you!

But I didn't want you to invite Esther Wong here, bitch.

- So, on that note... - You... you...

you have to let me sample that.

- No, dude. - Please. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, I... I thought I'd recorded it all...

a tree growing in Brooklyn,

a rich woman eating a croissant,

a Tanzanian kid sneezing.

But a Chinese-Korean vagina fart?

That is like... monumental in every way.

Come on, man. (SLAPPING HANDS)

You told him my exact race?

This song is one sound away from being finished.

Please, please.

- Fine! - Oh, my God.

- For the culture! - That's good.

♪♪

(LONG QUEEF) How's that?

- It's so beautiful. - Great.

I'm loving everything that you're doing.

Can we try another one

where you waddle around a little bit?

I wanna try mixing up the pitches.

Hey, this isn't gonna get like released or anything, right?

What's with your girl? Huh?

Nora, just queef.

It's just a little embarrassing,

like the setup.

- I totally get that. - Hm.

But this isn't even gonna be public.

This is just for me.

This is for my private collection.

So, just know what you're doing is beautiful,

it's natural, and it's just one sound

in the symphony of the world.

All right, I think I can squeeze one out for ya.

You guys read... You ready?

What about you, Marcus? What kind of Asian are you?

When you're on a roller coaster,

do your balls lift up a little bit or what?

Just one of 'em. It's like a little gravity-defying moment.

- Just one ball lifts up? - Yeah...

(QUEEF RINGTONE)

W-w-what was that?

It's Tiffany. I'm not answering.

No, no, no, no, no, no. W-w-w-what song is that?

Oh, it's the new Rat Lung.

You don't listen to Rat Lung? He's tight.

That... that was... That song's in public?

Oh, it's the number-one song on SoundCloud right now.

Oh, my God!

He said he would never release it.

What are you talking about?

- I'm on that track. - What?

I...

(QUEEFS)

Yo, that is you.

A little pitched up, but it's you.

Yeah, with some reverb and a Fazer.

Yo, you better be collecting royalties on that.

Collecting what?

Are you collecting backend on that frontend?

- That vagina is going viral in this vitch. - I have to go!

- Hey, do you mind if I sample you? - No!

♪♪

So, uh...

you also work in IT, huh?

No, honey, no.

I just say that on my profile to get more matches.

I'm actually a wastewater inspector.

Okay, cool.

So you're paying, right?

Sure.

I hope they have al-mond milk here.

Love me some al-mond milk!

Me too.

(BELL RINGING ON DOOR)

- Brenda! - Wally!

- (WALLY LAUGHS) - Hey.

- You know, I was just thinking about you. - Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I was throwing some pottery.

And there was something in the glaze

that made me think about your face.

(LAUGHING) Oh...

- That's nice. - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to interrupt.

Oh, it's just a noncommittal coffee date.

- Oh... - (SIGHS)

But she pronounces "almond milk"

like "al-mond milk".

Oh, I hate that, yeah.

This online dating thing sucks.

- I'm terrible at it. - Me too, me too.

- Well... good luck. - You too.

Okay.

She...

Yeah.

So, anyway, long story short,

I lost 200 pounds,

and all this residual skin is just weighing me down.

You look great.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

(LOUD QUEEF)

(MUSIC CONTINUES, RHYTHMIC QUEEFING)

♪ Let me hear you... ♪

Oh, oh, oh, no.

Aunt Sandra?

- Why are you entering the house this way? - Shh.

I didn't want to wake Grandma.

Plus, I know you have weed. (CLICKS TONGUE)

What happened at the retreat?

The Hudson police raided the compound

and found 20 pounds of butane hash oil.

Sorry to hear that.

It's fine.

We'll all heal.

Oof...

Do you wanna turn on a lamp or something?

I mean, it's like "The Bell Jar"

up in here, honey.

It's a long story, Aunt Sandra.

I got time.

♪♪

And I wasn't just pissed that he knew my exact race.

I was more pissed off that I gave him

all the sounds for free.

Nora... (EXHALES)

your compulsive desire to please people

is suffocating your spirit.

What does that mean?

I used to be like you,

letting everyone dictate my life.

Did you know I used to be a professor?

- Really? - Of yoga.

Okay.

But my soul wasn't tethered to my core, Nora.

But now I live according to my rules.

So go get your queef money.

And don't ever let anyone say you're not enough.

No one ever said that I wasn't enough, but...

- Exactly. - But...

you're right about the queef money.

Mm, oh.

- (LONG QUEEF) - Oh.

- That was me. - That was you.

♪♪

(LOUD QUEEFING)

(MUSIC, RHYTHMIC QUEEFING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

That... that was great.

I fuckin' love the sound of your smile, bro.

Go again.

(SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LOUD QUEEFING)

Rat Lung! Where is he?!

Hey! (QUEEFS)

Sound familiar?

Mel, what is your Asian-American friend doing here?

Did you forget your phone?

You used me.

And I am the star of that track.

(CHUCKLING) Star?

- Track? - Yeah.

(RAT LUNG LAUGHING)

Nora, chill out, girl.

No, I'm done being chill. I am done being chill.

Because you know what?

I gave you my heart and soul in there.

I want royalties.

And I'm not gonna leave until I get that queef money.

(CHUCKLES)

You serious?

If... if possible.

Okay.

- Marcus, do the maths. - Yeah! Do the maths, Marcus.

- (VELCRO RIPPING) - Okay.

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

- Here you go. - (CLEARS THROAT)

$20.10? That's it?

You don't make any money off of SoundCloud.

- (MARCUS LAUGHS) - My parents are just like super wealthy.

Yeah, music is an unsustainable career.

Well, at least maybe take the track down.

I'm sorry, honey. I own that queef.

We just paid you for it.

Fine! But I'll leave you with this.

(SILENCE)

Is she okay? Does she normally do this?

Damn it! I lost it!

Thanks for the lentil loaf.

Thank you. Hey, come out to Provo, Utah.

And then we can do a cleanse.

Grandma's definitely gonna eat it.

- All right. - Bye, I miss ya already.

Bye.

Are you gonna eat that?

Hey. Put it in the garbage.

(MELANIE) Nora.

- Hey. - What are you doing here?

I broke up with Rat Lung.

That Eleanor Roosevelt tattoo on his neck?

- That was his grandpa. - Eww.

Anyway, um, I got something for you.

A hard drive?

I stole his samples.

Now he can't use your queefy sounds.

No one can.

Oh, my God, thank you.

No one... no one's ever done...

something of this like, specifically this

for... for me before.

Yeah, I hope not.

Ooh!

You need better taste in men, girl.

Ugh, yeah.

- Ya think? - Are you hungry?

Jug, Rat Lung. Hell yeah!

I'm starving.

We had like breakup sex that was intense.

(SQUAWKING)

Yeah, I know. You accidentally FaceTimed me.

- Does your grandma cook? - Grandma!

By the way, where's my trumpet?

Oh, we're gonna have to clean that.

What do you mean, we're gonna have to... ?

(MAN) Who the (BLEEP) is Awkwafina?