Original subtitles

[DAUNTING MUSIC]

MALE VOICE: Go on, get him out of the van! Angel! They're here.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Get down Mall cop.

MALL COP: Oh god please don't kill me, I just started this job 3 days

ago. I'm just a driver!

ANGEL THUG I didn't ask for your resume.

MASK GUY: Why did we take the driver?

You always want to take more than one hostage, at least

two hostages. It's a good rule of thumb, just in case you need

to shoot one of them. I'll show you right now.

Hahaha, you look like a hulked up Doogie Houser!

SCIENTIST: You got what you want! You don't have to shoot anyone!

Is that so? Then this should be pretty straightforward.

The code to the case!

Wait, you know what's in the case right?

The code! Or I ventilate your kneecaps.

You paint quite a picture. 6-7-7-2.

Far out.

[DIGITAL KEYCARD SOUNDS]

Call M.A.X. Let him know we found what Lord

Menace requested.

MALE VOICE: Hahahaha. In a world so filled with villainy, criminals who

think themselves above the law. The only thing standing

valiantly in the shadows, between this city and total

anarchy.

Heroes.

Is justice! We are the justice Angel Gang, and when the

people cry 'Save us'! We whisper 'no problem'.

Hahahaha.

[BULLETS WHIZZING]

Come on! Kill them all! Kill them all!

[MARTIAL ARTS HITS AND THUGS GRUNTING]

[MARTIAL ARTS SFX]

SUPERHERO BLINX: It's ok! The name's Blinx, come with me if you want to live.

GANGSTER VOICE: There they are, over there!

You ok?

NIGHTWATCHMAN: You should be out there.

It's uh, it's too much gun fire!

That's what I thought.

Now don't start!

Brain!

Brain, we need you!

Oh thank god!

Oh thank you, thank you.

BRAIN: There, there ordinary citizen, no need to thank me.

Villains know when they've been out match...

I got this.

Hank wait!

MAX: You're just a neutral.

Fear center of the brain is at maximum, you're not worthy.

But I sense another.

MAX: Now that I've finished the warm up, who's next?

Who might you be?

Looking for me?

MAX: Could it be? A worthy adversary?

Maybe.

But you're gonna have to catch me first.

Hmmm. Interesting.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Is this what Lord Menace was expecting?

MAX: We have the thorium compound. You will be handsomely rewarded.

Move your men out.

I don't take no orders from a god-damned

toaster in a straight-jacket.

MAX: Would you like to see what this toaster is capable of?

This deal's getting worse all the time.

Come on!

(TRIUMPHANT SCORE)

(SOUND CRESCENDOS TO SILENCE)

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for coming in Mr. Martin.

Your resume is, adequate. We'll let you know.

JOE MARTIN: Well, that's it?

I don't understand the question.

Don't you need more background?

No.

More experience?

No.

Cuz I can go get you-

Off the record, Mr. Martin...

this is not the type of resume that's going to land

you a position with our company.

You haven't worked in 8 months.

It's not my fault, the economy is rough.

Not for us. We'll let you know.

(COUNTRY ROCK PLAYS)

♪ Cause heroes are fighting

♪ Day after day

♪ And I can keep calling this place ♪

♪ My home

♪ Got sweet tea in the southland ♪

♪ Made strong just like pride ♪

♪ A BBQ pit in every backyard ♪

♪ burning hot on a weekend night ♪

♪ We go to church without a worry ♪

♪ We say whatever's on our mind ♪

[CAR MAKES RATTLING NOISE]

(MUSIC FADES)

Hey Carl.

CARL: Hey Joe, how are ya?

Muriel won't let me smoke in the house anymore.

See ya Carl.

Have a good one.

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

EMILY: Loser.

Slug.

Sarah!

Don't distract her, she's making my sandwich.

"Don't distract her, she's making my sandwich"

Weirdo.

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Head Shot!

Oh!

SARAH: Oh my god! I'm sorry baby, I didn't see you.

JOE: It's ok, it's ok it's ok! Is it ok?

I think so here, we don't need you bleeding at interviews.

Let me see.

It couldn't be any rougher than it was this morning.

It didn't go well?

No, it was horrible.

I feel like I'm Saran-Wrap and they're just looking

right through me on to the next guy.

Let me see,

Alright I think you're ok.

My hero.

I know.

You'll catch a break on the next one, alright?

No, that's it for today. No more-

Actually, I got you another interview.

Muriel's son said that there's a job opening where he works.

It's decent hours, not great pay.

Where?

Just right around the corner.

Doing?

Hm?

Doing?

Management.

Of?

Tell him.

Waste.

Garbage?!

Joe, I know that it's not ideal...

Baby, I got interviews!

Interviews don't pay mortgages.

I know. I'm supposed to be the

man of the house and I can't even buy a carton of eggs.

EMILY (in background): Joe has no huevos.

Look baby, I just don't think right now's the time for me

to look at being a garbageman.

Waste management.

I deal with enough garbage all day long.

EMILY: Is my sandwich ready?

Speaking of wasted garbage.

Now's not the time for pride Joe.

Yeah Joe, when you going to stop leeching off my sister?

I don't leach off your sister!

Yes you do!

At least he tries, which is more than I can say for you.

Did you know he spent the last two days

watching Judge Judy marathons?

Baby I was exhausted!

- Seriously?! - I got stress!

I've got stress!

Over what?!

Hearing you have sex in the next room!

What?!

Yeah, you have thin walls!

And seriously, what is up with the monkey noises?

- You can hear that?! - Yes, I can hear that!

How thin are our walls?

Baby!

I hope you freaking choke on that sandwich.

Baby!

JOE: Uh-oh! Sad Sarah!

Joe, no. no.

Need monkey? Sad Sarah need sexy monkey?!

Stop seriously.

What? What?

This is serious!

I know it's serious.

Why are you so serious?

We're not kids anymore!

I know we're not kids.

But I took care of us then, and I'll take care of us now.

I know babe, but I'm the one with all the responsibility now.

Ok? And I know it's not easy, but we have to do this together.

Ok, I can't do this by myself.

We're a whole.

(Snorts, giggles)

SARAH: Really?

'Cause I said whole?

Well, you're the one who said it.

Oh, my god! What is wrong with you?!

Look, I want to feel like a man again, I do.

I mean, I remember the stories you used to tell me

about when your dad left, and how you took care of everyone.

And I want to do that for you.

I want to do that for us.

And you're right, you've carried this burden way too long.

Ok, you need to just go into those interviews,

and show them how amazing and confident you are, and lie.

Lie?

Not lie, not lie.

Just show them how important and good you are

because you deserve it.

Yeah, I can do that.

Couldn't do any worse could it?

My Hero.

I know.

You feel like a man to me.

Do I?

- Do I? - Yes.

- Do I? - Yes.

Yeah, do it again.

- Yes. - Do it more.

Do it till milk comes out.

Are you thirsty? There you go, just drink it.

SARAH: Are you sure there's nothing else in the paper from today?

JOE: Yes. No baby, I...

You looked at all the jobs?

I'm looking at it right now.

Well don't feel like you have to hold back.

It's ok to exaggerate a bit on your qualifications.

Get your foot in the door.

Yes, yes, yes.

Are you even listening Joe?

You know what, let me give you a call right back.

Ok, let me know how it goes. Love you!

Ok, you too.

[UP TEMPO R&B]

Are you here for the interview?

WOMAN: Oh, no. No.

(VOICE ON SPEAKER) Fourteenth floor. Welcome to Heroics Incorporated.

Mind your step.

(PHONE RINGS)

SECRETARY: Heroics Inc. Yes sir, we still have one position available.

Tomorrow between 1 and 2?

Great, thank you. We'll see you then.

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, I'm Joe Martin, I called about the ad in the paper?

SECRETARY: The 3 o'clock appointment.

Yes!

I like your look. It's different.

Very average citizen.

Thanks.

PA SPEAKER: Mr. Simons to conference room A. Mr. Simons to conference room A.

Hey man, should I have come in a costume or something?

MAN: Oh, no man, it's for the kiddos.

For the kiddos! Now it makes sense.

So you guys do this stuff for like, birthday parties and

Bar Mitzvahs and conventions

for like comic books and stuff?

Yeah. This job is a joke.

Really?

Yeah, there's no crime left in the city.

All that's left is...

a bunch of yahoos and geeks running around in spandex

trying to out-virgin each other.

I mean, you at least look like you might be normal.

Like you took your action figures out of the package

and played with them a little bit.

Maybe touched a boob.

Look at this guy.

Hey buddy what are you supposed to be? A smurf at the prom?

Oh, come on Wallace. Don't act like you don't know me man,

you think that costume fools me? We went to elementary school

together, you used to cry every day on the playground.

I don't think I would call you for an emergency unless

you could use your super-sissy tears to put out a fire.

Yeah go home! Go ahead man.

Go home and cry to Mom, Betsy-Wetsy, I'll be over to

beat you up and take your lunch money. Haha-Haha!

Well, I mean, I guess its a paycheck.

My wife says I should exaggerate.

Oh, hell man. Exaggerate, put it all out there dude,

they'll eat it up. Oh yeah.

PA SPEAKER: Mr. Garrett to conference room A.

Mr. Garrett to conference room A.

That's me.

Here, you want to finish those?

Alright, well hey, good luck man.

MAN: You too!

DAT-MAN My name is Dat-Man.

I am the defender of old technology.

MARY/BLINX: Next!

LITTLE BOY: Do you have a 401-K?

MAN: Next!

MAG-PIE I'm the Mag-Pie, and basically, I'm like Aquaman, but for birds.

MAG-PIE Do you guys want to hear my bird calls?

(ANNOYING BIRD NOISES)

MAN: Next.

SUPERINTENDENT: I'm a Super. You need a Super.

Next!

COWBOY: I do own a massive collection of goats.

MIGHTY PLACEHOLDER: I am the Mighty Placeholder! The hero's hero.

Next.

I'm Captain Kill Devil. Ahoy.

I am Captain Crow's-Feet.

Next!

[HE SITS SILENTLY]

I'm sorry, you are The Nudist?

Yeah, or I mean Glen.

But The Nudist is fine.

I just don't see how that's a super power.

(THUD OFF SCREEN)

MARY/BLINX: Oh wow! OK.

Very impressive.

Not bad yourself.

You can go now.

Huh?

Go Now.

- Did I get it? - Go Now!

PA SPEAKER: Mr. Martin to conference room A.

Mr. Martin, conference room A.

Your motivation is to stay married.

What was your name again?

Joe.

Just average Joe?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

I like it.

Could you tell us a little bit about yourself Joe?

Sure! I actually have a passion against evil,

I actually just got back from the east coast

where I was battling my arch-nemesis The Crusher.

He threw me into a building in Manhattan

and it crumbled all around me.

I was able to fight my way out and destroy

the two nuclear warheads that were going to destroy

life as we know it.

Or as they know it.

Where's your costume?

Oh you see, that's my trick. I like to blend in.

That way the villains, they don't see me coming

and then BAM!

I zap them with my eye lasers.

Could we get a demonstration?

Do you have a death wish?

How strong are you?

Oh, strong enough to lift about 3 school buses

over my head at the same time.

As strong as Hercules?

I'd eat Hercules for breakfast.

Come on bro!

Wow, A+ for showmanship.

Could you tell me your powers again?

Sure!

I can fly, of course, I can shoot laser beams out of my eyes.

Oh yeah! I'm bulletproof.

So we might as well just call you the ultimate crimefighter?

Why wouldn't you?

- Why wouldn't we? - I don't know!

Quite honestly, Joe, you're the best candidate

we've seen all day.

Yeah, all day we've had...

"my dad sent me here on a rocket ship" OR

"I got bit by a radioactive whatever"

But this is bold, audacious.

Would you give me and my colleague a moment to confer?

Sure, chat away.

Hey, how'd you do that?

Congratulations!

Really?!

Yep! Welcome aboard!

No way! My wife is gonna be so excited!

You don't even know!

Let's get you over to H.R. and get everything squared away.

Ok.

Did you say you were married?

Yeah.

You don't hear about that much in this field.

Except for the Parkers.

Well, all that's left is to get you to H.R.,

get you fitted and get you out on those streets fighting crime.

Thanks. So was it an optical illusion?

The way you moved so fast?

Oh, that's my super power.

Oh.

Wait! Did you say fighting crime?

PA SPEAKER: Lift activated.

Transferring to main headquarters.

Please watch your hands.

[SCIFI, HYDRAULIC SOUNDS]

JOE: Hello?

ROBOT VOICE: Phase 3 commencing.

Observe all safety procedures.

PA SPEAKER: Transporter separation.

JOE: I'm kinda in the dark here!

PA SPEAKER: Low lights on.

Hello?

Hey, I'm looking for H.R.?

MALE VOICE: I am H.R.! Heinrich Rammelstein.

But you can call me...

Dr. Mystico!

I apologize for the state of my lab!

Let's get you changed.

Wait, so what's phase 3?

Blue, Average Joe, blue collar. Makes sense yes?

We're going to go with a very basic look this time.

There you go.

This will do.

So, do kids get to see all this back here?

Kids?!

No, this is no place for children!

Are you mad?

They could touch this and particles and molecules

would get mixed up.

And this! This hasn't been washed!

The children could come, and they could flip this

and all hell would break loo ...!

(MACHINE SOUNDS)

...would break loose.

I thought I was filling out paperwork, not briefs!

Oh, you're a funny one!

Now that you've got your suit let's move on with the mission.

Mission?!

Now, exactly what do you mean by mission?

Crime fighting!

FLAMER: Welcome to the party pal.

Oh boy.

BLINX: Alright there's been a chemical plant break-in

that just turned into a hostage situation!

Hostages?! Wait a minute.

There must be some mistake.

See you there Doc!

Are you guys real super heroes?!

I'm a pacifist.

What?!

I'm a science officer.

I don't believe in violence.

It's icky.

Hold that thought!

(LAZER AND ELECTRICAL SOUNDS)

POLICE: All units in the vicinity of Cash and Lincoln

10-89 in progress at 1988 Cash Avenue.

Be advised. Several armed gunmen have taken hostages.

Suspects are considered armed and extremely dangerous.

All units in the area respond.

HALLENBECK: Captain, they're here!

CAPTAIN: About time!

BLINX: Hallenbeck!

I made the call, but the captain is in charge.

Riggs, go get 5 more coffees!

RIGGS: I'm not your secretary!

Hallenbeck! I'm waiting on SWAT and you bring me

The Mighty Morphin Powder Puff Rangers?!

LARRY/FLAMER: Aw, someone's still bitter cuz he didn't make the cut for hero.

Larry!

Not my fault he has brittle bones!

I hate you Larry.

And who the hell are you?

My name is Average Joe.

He's new Captain, but he checked out. He's bulletproof and

he's got lasers that shoot out of his eyes.

Well then what the hell are you letting him stare at me for?!

I'm sorry! Jesus they're shooting at us!

There's a bunch of maniacs in there with some hostages.

They've got the place rigged to blow with a shitload of C-4.

Sounds like an A-6 scenario.

We're going to need someone bulletproof to lead the charge.

No one knows what you're saying!

Joe, you're the only one qualified!

No, I'm not even supposed to be here!

I'm not supposed to be doing this!

Listen, fly in there, disable it,

hell, blow it up for all I care!

Just get it the hell out of here so we can all go home!

HALLENBECK Do what you were born to do.

Be a hero!

[AMPED UP MUSIC]

CAPTAIN: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

Ok.

Alright.

[HEAVY DRUMS]

Aw... alright

WHY?!

Shit, shit shit!

Aaahhh!!!

That was weird.

I'm getting massive power readings.

Who is this?

Angel gang.

Not his style.

Unless he's working for someone else.

BLINX: Let's move!

NIGHTWATCHMAN: Someone wake up Larry!

Let's go!

DR. MYSTICO: (over radio) Mary. Mary. Come in Mary.

Mary answer your thing.

Mary it's Dr. Mystico, answer.

Doc what is it?

DR. MYSTICO: We found a machine down here.

BLINX: On screen.

DR. MYSTICO: It doesn't look good.

Doc we don't have time for this just find the bomb.

DR. MYSTICO: You find the bomb!

JOE Oh God, please don't let me die.

Everything's going to be alright, just wait.

Do what you were born to do.

I was born to run like hell.

How do you even disarm this thing?

Is it the red one?

(Girls mumble NO)

Is it the green one?!

(Girls mumble NO Louder)

You're not helping me!

In the movies it's always the green one.

(Girls mumble FRANTICALLY)

I'm sure it's always the green one.

What are you doing?!

Are you touching the bomb?

Are you even qualified to touch the bomb?!

Are you even a real hero?

You lied?!

You mean you hired a-

Shut it Hank!

I'm Nightwatchman.

Unbelievable!

Guys, if I could just say something-

You think you could have done a better job? Guys!

Oh, I think I could.

I think it's fairly obvious!

Oh, so you're saying I made a mistake?!

It's VERY obvious.

I don't make mistakes!

Guys, just one second!

WHAT?!

This things about to go off!

Balls!

[BOMB TICKER BEEPS RAPIDLY]

LARRY/FLAMER: What happened?

BLINX I agree with you Mrs. Mayor. This is unacceptable!

But have faith, you made the right decision.

MAYOR: Did I?

Your heroes cleaned up the city 10 years ago.

They did it quietly, no theatrics.

No spectacle.

I won't tolerate any mistakes Mary.

I can send you back to that crummy PR firm you came from.

Oh, and rethink the uniforms.

You look like Zoro's fat cousin.

Should we kill him?

We took an oath.

I ain't gonna say anything.

Mary, I recognized that device today.

If Angel is working with who I think.

We're all in great danger.

So what do I do now?

So you go back to your wife,

tell her you got the job,

we'll see you in the morning.

NEWS REPORTER (ON TV): That's right Maria, it was a massive explosion

that rocked the lower east side...

Hey Babe!

Hey.

You've been gone all day.

Yeah, the uh....

...the interview went long.

Is that good or bad?

Bad.

Bad enough to get the job.

What?!

Baby, I got the job!

You got the job?!

Baby I did!

You joking? You're serious?

I love you!

I love you, take your clothes off!

Ok!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

ANGEL: It's just us. Just, stay there.

THUG: Hey boss. How'd the test go?

Cops came.

We had to set off the bomb and ditch the device.

That sucks.

ANGEL: Ok, listen here Iron-Dick.

We're risking our lives out there.

We're putting our necks out there every night

and you're going to pay me three times my price

or I'm going to tear your little ass apart.

LORD MENACE: Manners Angel.

M.A.X. is an indispensable part of my plan,

whereas you have a rather expendable quality about you.

Lord Menace, we're taking

all the risks and getting almost none of the reward.

LORD MENACE: By all means, leave.

I'm sure there are plenty of other vultures in this

city who would be happy to take your place by my side.

However, if we fail to execute my plans

these heroes won't leave you with much of a feast.

You see, your business model is based on profit, greed.

I pay you well.

My plans are result based, and you haven't delivered.

My device could have been tested properly today

had you not called attention to yourselves.

Maybe, you're just feeling a little BURNED OUT.

Whoa, whoa, ok.

Hey look, just put that away, just...

there's no need for this ok?!

I'm going to be...

No, don't shoot me!!

Aaahhhh!!

THUG: Ok, I'm out.

LORD MENACE: When the machine is capable of withstanding

the power surge, M.A.X and I will

make our final move on Heinrich and the heroes.

Soon not even time itself will be able to stop me.

[QUIET, CALM MUSIC]

I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this work.

Morning tushy.

Good Morning.

Did you make me cookies?

EMILY: No, I did, because someone kept me up last night.

Yeah, that's cuz I was having sex!

I was thinking, I have teacher in service day today,

so maybe I could stay home

for a little while before you start your job.

That would be amazing.

Hey, I meant to ask you, what's the job anyway?

Oh...

It's nothing really. I just uh...

...working in a lab and...

Somebody's here.

SARAH: Who?

A lady that looks like she's pinching a dime between her ass

and a hunky scientist.

I'm so sorry! I'm sorry baby, that's for me.

That's for me!

I gotta go, I forgot they pick you up the first day.

I gotta go. Love you!

Love you. Good luck!

I'll take that, you choke on that!

What the heck!

What are you guys even doing here? This is my freaking house.

This is my house, what are you doing here?

This is my temple of zen!

We carpool.

Oh, I guess you failed to mention that yesterday.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I fail to mention that?

I must have been distracted by a massive explosion you caused!

That's a good point. That's a good point.

So, it's usually just us.

Larry's the only one that can fly.

Well I did offer to rectify such things.

And I'm still hungry.

Here, go nuts.

Who's that?

Oh, that's my sister-in-law, she's a handful.

I'll bet she is.

Hunky man's eating my cookie.

Who does she think she is?

Opening the door for my husband.

Jealous?

I just don't like fast women that's all.

BLINX: Since you're clueless about being a super hero,

here's the brief.

Heroics Inc has wiped out crime over the last decade

and we only recently got reactivated.

In the past 6 months, crime has gone up over 62%.

If we go public, the mayor thinks we won't have

the support we need.

It's my job to keep us on track and covert.

Hey, so why'd you put the ad in the newspaper then?

It was for heroes to read.

Is that why you put it in the super secret

super hero newspaper?

I thought hiding in plain sight was best.

Besides, who took that ad seriously?

Yeah, the uh-

Most people thought it was for kids parties and they were easy

enough to dismiss.

So, you're just saying you just made a mistake?

DR. MYSTICO Oh, would you look at that.

Hank is up early.

Does he live here?

DR. MYSTICO: He never leaves. Both of his parents were heroes.

He has a lot to live up to.

The emergency beeper please, yes? Thank you.

Always remember to bring an extra change of clothes.

Hey, when do we get paid?

Every week.

Crime doesn't pay, but being a hero sure does.

BLINX: We'll send you out with Hank. Learn the ropes.

Doc will be working on your new suits.

JOE: So what are his powers?

Hank doesn't have any. Both his parents were supers.

DR. MYSTICO: Yes, when both parents are heroes

it usually doesn't get passed down to the kiddos.

ROBOT VOICE: I apologize for being rude, Good morning Joe Martin.

What is that?

That, my chubby friend is a super computer mainframe.

ROBOT VOICE: My name is LEXII.

Hi, my name's Joe Martin.

LARRY/FLAMER: It can do anything that you ask it to. Ask it anything.

ANYTHING.

Well, I could use a tune up.

LEXII: Ok, Joe.

That's it? That's all you got?

A local towing service has been dispatched.

LARRY: Computer!

Yes Larry?

Give me a bloody mary.

Blood alcohol levels indicate that you have already had 2.

I don't care if I've already had 2.

Don't worry your AA sponsor has already been alerted...

Are you a computer or my mother?!

...as well as your court appointed attorney.

Answer his question.

A towing service has been dispatched to your residence,

No way!

Maintenance of your vehicle has been assigned to Hank Horowitz.

I'm surprised it didn't respond with your cars's a piece of crap

Because your car is a piece of crap.

Welcome to the team.

JOE: So you're gonna be teaching me the ropes huh?

I'm guessing there's a lot to learn.

You know I really appreciate

all the help with this tune up and everything.

I mean, I've just been out of work for so long.

Sarah and I we just really couldn't afford this.

Hey, so I guess you learned all this stuff from your dad?

I mean he was pretty good huh?

Hey did you ever think about asking Doc for

a little help in the super powers department?

He tried making me a suit once,

but I'd rather use what god gave me.

That's noble.

You know what god gave me?

Thighs that rub.

So do you think Doc's gonna give me a cool suit to wear?

I'm not gonna lie, I'm really excited about this.

I know it's just a temporary one, but it's gonna be awesome!

I mean, you know, I guess it's just one of the perks right?

You get to say cool things, like "Stop evil-doer!"

You get to wear cool outfits.

Swing from rooftops.

Hey have you guys ever thought about

doing like a slow-mo walk,

like in Armageddon where you all just kind of walk out...

You know you could die from doing this.

POLICE RADIO: All heroes in the downtown corridor

please respond to a 10-70.

Break in at refined metals storage unit.

Proceed with caution.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

First appearance in front of your enemies is everything.

No fear.

Yeah, but I'm not ready.

No fear.

I'm not ready- - No fear!

I'm not ready.

No fear.

Stop evil doers!

It is I, the Nightwatchman.

Sarah.

Sarah!

It is also I!

Average Joe!

[THUD SOUND]

Holy crap, it's the kid! Let's get out of here!

Impressive.

Yeah? You think so?

Cuz when we first got out here, I was kinda nervous.

Then my adrenaline was pumping and everything...

DEEP VOICE: Hello Hank.

Bobby?

I'm Nightwatchman.

No, I'm Nightwatchman. We've been over this before.

KID: Who's your friend?

My name's Joe, Average Joe.

Joe don't.

What, he's like 5.

A very dangerous 6.

AHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHH!!!!

AHHHHH!!!!!

BLINX: You got whipped by a kid?!

He's no kid, he's Satan's minion.

He's 6.

A very dangerous 6.

So much for getting your part time job at Gymboree.

I knew I should have hired that kid when I had the chance.

6AM! Tomorrow!

Whatever.

[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]

[ALARM SOUNDS]

What's that?

What's that?

It's work, I got it.

It's 6am.

I know. They're calling me, I gotta go.

Good morning.

I love you.

[ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC]

MARY/BLINX: The heart of a hero should never be in doubt.

We hold ourselves to a higher standard.

We do not allow ourselves to understand fear.

Over the next few weeks I will be slowing myself down,

not for my benefit, but for yours.

So that you can see what is expected of a real hero.

If you make a great entrance, in your enemies mind,

half the battle is already won.

Make no mistake gentlemen.

My job is to break you.

To punish you.

To push you to your very limits

so that when you are faced with certain death,

you will stand strong.

Proud.

Fearless.

Like a true hero.

Let's go!

Never, under any circumstances reveal your secret identities.

Shut up Larry.

Why you always tell me to shut up?

[FUN, ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]

Baby catch.

Baby catch?

Yeah, baby catch.

I'm gonna fling babies at you.

In an emergency, know your rallying points in the city.

Ready? Hut! Go! Go!

This one needs love, she's adopted!

This one's a preemie! Get your hands up!

(MONTAGE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Come on Joe!

NothinG like a baby to get you motivated.

Don't drop me!

Babies are coming in hot Joe!

This one got thrown out of a moving car!

She's covered in oil, she's slippery!

This one's got parents who are gonna miss her!

Whoo!

I'm a super hero!

Wait Joe, no wait!

Noooo!

Hello Heinrich, I decided to make a video for you

with the outfit I was telling you about.

Doctor, I wasn't feeling very good today,

would you like to take my temperature?

It's blue!

- Oh crap. - Oh shit.

EMILY: Oh my gosh, that's so exciting!

Is it?

Yes, I'm going to be an aunt!

Is it?! What am I going to do?

What am I going to tell Joe?

He's gonna be excited, won't he?

But he's never here Em. I mean this whole job thing.

You think that I want to raise this baby alone?

Wait, wait wait!

We are talking about a baby right?

What are you wearing?

MAX: The test of the machine was successful.

We've waited a long time for this moment Lord Menace.

Time is a binding concept that we no longer have any use for.

MAX, I believe we should visit an old friend.

LEXII: I'm sorry Heinrich.

My system shows that with the current power source,

the new Average Joe suit will not maintain plasma levels.

Suit failure at 93.7 percent.

DR. MYSTICO: So then why am I getting power drains?

Would you like me to run diagnostics again?

LEXII: Heinrich, your wiring is bad.

The power source is inadequate.

Maybe a flying suit was too much.

LEXII: Actually, it might not be.

Theoretically your flying Average Joe suit could work.

It seems with the internal wiring and plasma emitters,

the best power source for us could be the remaining Terinium.

With the Terinium power source,

flight capability success increases to 85.2 percent.

Well beyond our acceptable 70/30 ratio.

Maybe Joe's suit is the reason we've been holding on to the

Terinium all these years, Heinrich.

LEXII: Heinrich!

My systems show an unauthorized access to northwest corner 3.

Unauthorized access to main power panel.

[ALARM SOUND]

Mary?

MAX: Hello Heinrich. At last we meet.

SARAH: Joe is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

SARAH: Close your eyes.

I didn't forget our anniversary did I?

Come with me.

Ok. What are you doing?

Just a little surprise.

Ok, where's Emily?

At our mom's.

Oh, so a little surprise huh?

No peeking.

Ok, right here?

Ok, you ready?

Yeah.

I hope you like it.

Baby, I love everything you do, you know that.

3...

2...

(PHONE RINGS) Oh shit, hold on.

Oh, Baby, I gotta go.

Joe, just 2 seconds!

Baby, I'm sorry, I would but this is an emergency.

It's an emergency.

Joe that is all you ever have anymore.

Baby, this is my job.

Oh, even when they call you out at 3am, that's your job?

Sarah, I don't need this from you right now.

Ok, I can't do this by myself Joe.

You have gone from one extreme to another.

I never see you anymore.

Sarah, you know that I love you,

But I have to go do this.

My hero.

I know.

(SAD DRAMATIC MUSIC)

All units, all units please respond to a 10:33

Warehouse fire at city property warehouse at 10100 Riverside.

Armed suspects possibly on the scene.

Report of explosion, proceed with caution.

What the hell?

What happened?

POLICEMAN: Looks like somebody paid you guys a visit.

The only one that was here was Mystico.

REPORTER: So, you work here at these facilities?

Yes, my name is Dr. Mystico, I'm part of a superhero team,

and this here is our main headquarters.

ALL: Balls!

REPORTER Sir can you tell us what happened here tonight?

It was a firefight!

REPORTER Ma'am can you tell us your name?

Do you work with this gentleman?

If you want a comment,

you'll have to go through the mayor's office.

BLINX: Did anyone call Captain and Hallenbeck?

POLICEMAN: Yes, they're on their way.

CAPTAIN: So Doc, you're telling us this has all been the same guy?

For a while now, we have suspected a certain someone

at the heart of this crime wave.

His name... Lord Menace.

Look Doc, at first it was just theft

and gathering of materials and resources.

But then at the warehouse?

When I was first with you guys?

There was a machine. A time portal, but it was

missing a very important piece of the puzzle.

It required a power source of extreme magnitude.

Just like the one in your suit.

Doc, what did you do?

I think you can fly now.

WHAT?!

LARRY: What?!

MAYOR: You've got 30 seconds.

Mrs. Mayor.

MAYOR: And you, who said you were fit to give interviews?

And to talk to my office for an official statement?

Mrs. Mayor you have every right to be upset with me.

Do I?

I left you in charge because you said you could handle it.

And it turns out you're the worst one out of

all these degenerates.

HALLENBECK: Mayor, I think these guys might be on to something.

Johnson! You keep him on a short leash or

I'll have him kicked back to traffic duty.

Do you get me?

Yes Ma'am.

This crime wave is only the beginning.

MAYOR: That's ominous.

I think this is all just a shake down.

There is no threat.

The city doesn't need you, let the real heroes handle this.

hiding behind desks in whatever profession you had

before this. This project is terminated.

You're an embarrassment to women.

[SAD GUITAR STRUMMING]

♪ A blue ocean floor swims up to the doors of this ♪

♪ world sinks endlessly

DETECTIVE: You did what you could.

NEWS REPORT: There is no confirmation from arson investigators yet,

but reporters did manage to speak to a man calling himself

Dr. Mystico who may have been involved.

Reports on the scene were interrupted by a woman,

possibly implicating the Mayor's office as well.

For now the scene has been closed off by police

and arson investigators.

Neither the Mayor's office or SAPD has made themselves

available for comment.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC Continues)

♪ my subconscious surrounds me

♪ It won't let me leave

BUSINESSWOMAN: Well, it's certainly not as large as your last office, but

it's nice to have you back.

From wherever you were.

BUSINESSWOMAN: Latte!

BOSS: Monkey!

Take this nice lady's car to the back would you?

It's what I do.

Go. Go.

LORD MENACE: Good news only MAX.

Otherwise, I'll turn you into a bread warmer.

MAX: We still cannot find Mystico.

The Mayor's office has disbanded the heroes.

LORD MENACE: Then that means they'll be lost forever.

MAX: My frequency intercepted a call to a tv station.

A woman named Emily reporting that she knew

Mystico, but she does not know his location.

She stated her brother-in-law works with him.

It could be the hero we've heard about,

Average Joe?

LORD MENACE: If that is indeed her brother-in-law,

then I would very much like to find out who is wife is.

And where we can find her.

MAX: But, why Average Joe?

Leverage MAX.

In times of crisis, this city needs its heroes.

If we find Average Joe, we find Mystico.

It's moving day!

Unfortunately we have been politely asked to

dispose of my life's work.

That's ok. That's ok.

I really wanted to see this in action.

To see you in action.

Did you sleep here last night?

Sarah left.

LARRY: It's no sweat Joe.

Do you know what the divorce rate is for superheroes?

Me neither, I'm sure its pretty high though.

DR. MYSTICO: Who wants pancakes?

Me!

I'm wearing the shirt.

(PHONE DIAL TONE)

EMILY: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Ok, let's keep it orderly please.

Single file line, next to your bus buddy.

Quietly.

Hello?

Sarah?

You left before I had a chance to talk to you this morning.

Let me call you back Em. Ok?

I'm getting kids loaded for a field trip.

No, Sarah, look.

I think I know why Joe hasn't been around lately.

I don't have time for this.

And don't you dare take Joe's side on this.

Ok, I'm the one who's pregnant and going to have to

raise this baby on my own.

I am not taking Joe's side!

LORD MENACE: Oh, this gets better and better.

Heinrich's been real secretive about what he's doing.

But then last night on the news...

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

SARAH: Ok, I'll call you back after I'm done dealing with them.

Hey, you guys!

Sarah?

Damnit, I finally have something important to say!

You guys, off the bus right now and to the back of the line.

MAX: Sarah Martin?

AAAAhh!

MAX: Please put down your phone, you have 20 seconds to comply.

Thank you.

POLICE: All units, all units respond to a 10-33,

armed suspect has hijacked a school bus

heading west into the downtown corridor along I-35 near BAMC.

5 hostages taken including 4 children and an adult female.

Suspect considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Proceed with caution.

RIGGS: Hey!

POLICE: Again, all units respond to a 10-33.

RIGGS: Come on, we gotta go.

Here we go!

Big moment, big moment. Here we go!

HALLENBECK: Ok Riggs, drive!

RIGGS: I'm not your secretary!

POLICE: SAPD air support has been dispatched and is en route.

PILOT: Copy that central, this is EagleEye.

We are airborne and en route for air support, over.

WAITRESS Do ya'll need anything else?

Aspirin. Lots of aspirin.

So, you and Em?

Yeah, but she doesn't know about us,

she definitely doesn't know about Lord Menace,

so we're good.

JOE: Tell me more about this Lord Menace guy.

DR. MYSTICO Lord Menace, he was... he was my mentor.

Austria, 1850.

He was a brilliant man.

Brilliant scientist named Hans.

Hans?

That makes sense.

You see Joe, I was Hans' lab assistant for quite a few years.

We had been developing our theories

on creating new power sources,

and that's how we created these things quite by accident.

What things?

The crystals. The crystals that I use to teleport.

Well, it's not necessarily teleportation, it's more of a

moving forward through time just a few moments.

You see time travel is very tricky.

It's quite easy to move forward, but to move back...

is impossible.

But Hans was convinced otherwise.

You see time travel requires lots of energy,

so we obtained a substance called Terinium.

Terinium? Terinium.

And on our first experiments...

Hans wanted to keep his hands clean.

Hans free.

So wanted me to perform them.

Without telling me exactly how dangerous this was.

What a jerk!

I know!

There was an explosion.

I was lucky, but Hans was left deformed.

Changed.

LARRY: Changed to what?

To something else.

JOE: What?

He decided to change his name, to Lord Menace.

Which I agree with, it sounds better, cooler, more evil...

LARRY: Looks good on a poster.

It works, yes it's more marketable.

You see now, as Lord Menace he continues his reign.

Trying to go back

and change the mistakes that we have made.

Like the mistakes I made last night.

Recreate history in his own image.

Well, what about the Terinium?

The last known Terinium on earth

is contained in your suit.

These pancakes look good don't they?

POLICE OFFICER: This is 20-William-12, we have 10-6 in the area,

entering I-10 and Woodlawn, joining pursuit of school bus.

(PHONE RINGTONE) "Hello Heinrich"

EMILY'S VOICE (SEXY): 'Hello Heinrich"

It's Emily. Stay quiet.

Hello!

Hello Heinrich.

How are you my strawberry crepe?

I don't know, why don't you look up and find out.

Shit.

What, you've never had a woman mad at you before?

What's this?

Morning Joe.

How did you find us ...?

I tracked your phone.

You're not the only techie in this relationship.

I want to know why you were on the news last night.

And you have some explaining to do!

Where's Sarah?

Are you what I think you are?

Superheroes?!

Ha ha, that's preposterous.

Is it?!

Yes.

Is it?

[SIRENS]

HALLENBECK: Dispatch, we have a visual going east on I-10.

Standby.

This is 4-Victor-7, we just spotted

an adult female in the bus.

It's ok you guys, it's ok.

They're crossing the I-35 interchange.

What the hell is that?

HALLENBECK: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

We just lost 7, we just lost unit 7.

Unit 12, be advised shots fired. Shots fired.

Yeah, we saw that, thank you.

KID: We're doomed!

It's ok you guys. It's ok.

Joe.

Oh my god. Somebody turn that up.

NEWS REPORT: A squad car has lost control.

Police are continuing the pursuit,

but if the suspect at the wheel is armed...

10 years ago I would have been all over that.

Suits in the van right?

NEWS REPORT: We're in just as much shock as you are right now

at what just happened.

Joe. Joe! No don't!

I gotta see this.

NEWS REPORT: We're going to stay live with this video as long as we can.

Joe, no what are you doing? You can't do this!

Actually, you look really good.

No, what am I saying, you can't do this.

You're not ready. We're not ready.

My wife's a school teacher, Doc. What if it was her out there?

I won't get caught. Trust me.

I mean, it's like you said,

Do what you were born to do right?

Oh, now you listen to me.

Ok Joe, you have a new advanced suit.

You just hold your arms out to glide

and the thrusters will adjust you automatically.

Alright, got it. And the Terinium?

I'm actually kind of curious myself to see what will happen.

Doc! You're gonna get killed.

Yeah, why aren't you up there?

My suit's at the cleaners.

Right, Alright, back up, everybody back up.

JOE: Here we go.

Ok Joe, just ease into the controls and-

Aaahh!

Oh yeah, this should end well.

NEWS REPORT: ..the horrific situation that our city-

Turn that up!

I say again, suspect at the wheel

is armed and extremely dangerous.

And probably a robot.

Too fast! Too fast, too fast!

Whoah!

RIGGS: Whoohoo!

All units be advised, a flying man has entered the scene!

GIRL: It's a flying man!

Really, what?

I can fix that.

Whoah!

Yes!

JOE: I thought your suit was at the cleaners?

Hey, it was ready a little early.

Alright, hang on. We're going in!

POLIC: All units, 2 flying men have now entered the pursuit.

Hold your fire.

It's Larry!

LORD MENACE: MAX, pick up your visual scanning.

Everybody back off, let's give these guys some room.

MAX: Bring it!

KIDS: We're gonna crash!

Holy shit, we're gonna crash!

MISS!

Everybody down!

Joe! Get out!

[ENGINE SLOWS]

This is the best field trip ever!

We have to get back to the office!

That was awesome!

HALLENBECK: Look, there he is!

RIGGS: Contact, rear!

POLICE: Shots fired! Shots fired!

Backup units proceed with caution, suspect is still armed!

MAX: I have Joe's wife Lord Menace.

LORD MENACE Return to base.

I think it's time...

...for my grand entrance.

DR. MYSTICO We're not supposed to reveal our identities!

You told a news reporter!

Nobody ever wants to talk to me!

Oh, you're so hot when you're mad!

LEXII: Scanning all frequencies.

REPORTERS: Mrs Mayor! Mrs. Mayor!

Can you confirm a report of a man flying over the freeway?

We are not ready to make an official statement.

In light of today's incident on the freeway,

we will be doing a complete investigation.

Now, we are committed to due process,

so please allow us to do our jobs.

Any further questions can be relayed to our media relations

Thank you.

Get Captain Johnson on the phone, now!

JOE: Oh my gosh!

LARRY: Ha ha ha!!

JOE: We can fly!

LARRY: That was amazing!

JOE: That was awesome!

LARRY: Hold on man, we aren't hugging.

No?

No, go ahead, bring it in.

I don't care what the mayor says, she can take me to jail,

I don't even care!

Joe is that you?

Hey Doc, come in.

Yeah wasn't that awesome?

I just need to take a look at your boosters.

Sometimes things work good,

sometimes they don't work as good.

You just need to get out of that

and back into your civilian clothes.

(PHONE RINGING)

Is that a phone?

Wait, is it my cell?

Joe, it's Sarah!

Just patch it through!

Sarah?

LORD MENACE: Joe Martin?

Who is this?

I wanted to call and tell you what a big fan I am,

after your splendid performance today.

I made a great effort to get your attention this morning,

but you flew off before we could properly introduce ourselves.

How did you get Sarah's phone?

Is Heinrich with you?

I believe he calls himself Dr. Mystico?

What you failed to notice Joe,

was who was on that bus you saved today.

Turn to channel eight.

SECRETARY: Mary, did you see what's going on outside?

NEWS REPORT: Again, breaking news.

Gunfire has erupted downtown, as gunmen led

by two robotic looking individuals have seized control

of the Westin Center.

We've also just received a message from a man

calling himself Lord Menace,

taking responsibility for this morning's bus chase.

I guess we're not going to have time for a taco huh?

Thank you Ernie.

We are here live downtown where it appears that a

mechanical device has been taken onto the streets

at Pecan, directly in front of the Westin Center.

It appears the device is creating some sort of cloud

or disturbance in the sky directly above us

Eyewitness on the ground are reporting that it is made of

some sort of toxic gas, but this is only a

suggestion at this point.

Neither the police office or the mayor's office are

categorizing this as an act of terrorism, but

it is confirmed that the metallic figure spotted...

in today's highway chase is involved.

It also appears that the young school teacher kidnapped

this morning is with them, along with another female hostage.

Police are issuing orders that everyone evacuate the

downtown corridor immediately.

Hallenbeck! You alright?

Well, we barely made it off the freeway alive!

You're still alive and I need a tactical response.

RIGGS: We don't have one yet sir.

Yes we do!

Captain, we've seen this thing in action,

it's gonna take more than what our SWAT team can do.

This thing wants what Joe and Mystico have.

CAPTAIN And I want a tactical response!

Well, I guess you made up your mind about what you are going

to do Hallenbeck.

Don't let me stop you.

HALLENBECK: Let's get Average Joe!

We're gonna get fired!

Joe! It's Hallenbeck.

We need you.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, we'll back you up.

We'll give you whatever you need.

I gotta go pick out a gun!

Ma'am, leave it. Come on, we gotta go. This way!

SECRETARY: Miss Maddox, he says he knows you.

It's okay.

What are you doing here?

The team is gonna need us Mary.

Hank I don't have time to discuss this...

So you're just going to watch this whole thing

from four blocks away?

- There's nothing I can do! - Yes there is!

Now, you can choose to sit on your spoiled ass and do nothing,

or you can do what you were born to do.

Be a hero.

I can't!

You're a coward.

NEWS REPORT: This morning's freeway chase seems to be just

the tip of the iceberg. As a man calling himself Lord Menace has

taken over the streets in front of the Westin Center.

Along with members of the Angel gang,

they have taken two female hostages

and moved a large mechanical device onto the streets.

The device in question did fire a beam into the skies above us

and a large cloud of light and energy is currently hovering

over the city. The only question is now, if there are in fact

superheroes in San Antonio, will they come to the rescue and stop

this apparent super villain.

JOE: To the man who calls himself Lord Menace,

I have a message for you.

For far too long...

this city's heroes have been forced to sit in the shadows,

unsure of their place.

Not knowing whether or not this city that they care for

would embrace them or reject them.

Because of you,

our city now faces the greatest danger it's ever known.

But I promise you this,

not one life will be lost today.

Because guarding over this city...

...is this city's heroes.

We are your guardians.

We are your protectors.

Because the heart of a hero is never in doubt.

We do not understand fear.

And when faced with certain death...

we will stand strong....

proud....

and fearless.

We will leave no one behind.

Evacuate everyone.

And as for you Lord Menace,

I'm speaking to you not as a hero but as a husband.

You picked the wrong wife to kidnap.

Because now...

I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

MAX: It has been an honor Lord Menace.

Yo Joe!

Here to save the city?

I'm here to save my marriage!

LORD MENACE: Heinrich, you coward!

You left me for dead!

You were just a head!

How was I supposed to know?

LARRY: I can see that. I can totally see that.

LORD MENACE: Do you have any idea how long

it took me to crawl out of that wreckage?

To rebuild a new body?

Try using an Alan wrench when you're just a head!

Ok, I am genuinely sorry about that!

You will be.

Give MAX the Terinium, Joe.

And your wife doesn't have to suffer.

Much.

Alright, that's it!

Duck!

MAX, get me that Terinium!

MAX: With pleasure.

JOE: Can't you make anything that works?

I said fifty-fifty.

I heard seventy-thirty.

Here comes MAX!

Doc, how vulnerable would he be if he didn't have that Tin Man?

Extremely, he would have to fire the Terinium himself.

It's rebooting.

Can't you just teleport over there?

It's too close to the beam.

The field would neutralize and I would be burned alive.

I have an idea. Hank! Hank!

What'll happen if we overload the grid?

I was afraid you'd say that.

That's not gonna work Joe!

BLINX: If you've got a better idea Larry, now's the time!

JOE: Hank, you and Mary just worry about the hostage alright?

DR. MYSTICO It's still buffering, you'll be able to fly but you can't fire.

Yeah, but the suit will still keep me protected right?

Seventy-thirty.

Yeah yeah right.

Alright, if we're doing this, we're doing it as a team right?

NIGHTWATCHMAN: Right.

Alright, cover fire!

DR. MYSTICO: Em! Em are you ok?

I'm fine!

HALLENBECK: Hey, hi Captain!

CAPTAIN: Take cover Hallenbeck.

Somebody call for backup?

Let 'em have it boys!

Sorry Hallenbeck, this was the only hero I could find.

THE NUDIST Stop evil doer! It is I! The Nudist!

Prepare to meet your doom!

MAX: Get down here!

[ENERGETIC, HERO MUSIC STARTS UP]

MAX!

MAX: Nice try, but you are no hero.

Your mother was a hero.

Your father was a hero.

But you?

You are nothing.

You are weak.

Any last words Neutral?

My name...

is Hank!

SARAH: Nice entrance!

You're pregnant?

You're a superhero?

You're pregnant?! You're a superhero?!

We have a lot to talk about when we get home.

Yeah, we do.

God you look good in that suit.

Go, go! Get somewhere safe!

Come on! Come on!

It's nice to finally meet you Sarah!

One thing I've learned after all these years, Joe...

Time is irrelevant.

What you are willing to do for it...

means everything.

Holy!

Shit!

LORD MENACE: I can change it all.

Be who I was meant to be.

Change history, rewrite every mistake.

No more world wars.

Right now I'm the villain Joe,

but I change history

and I'm a savior knowing what I know.

I can do it all over again, the right way, the way

it was meant to be!

I'll be damned if you're the end of me.

Now die a hero's death.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MUSIC PICKS UP IN INTENSITY]

No!!!

Noooo!

LORD MENACE: The past is mine.

I can go back, change everything!

Think of the future we can make for ourselves.

I did think about the future you son of a bitch!

[BEEPING NOISE]

And you're history!

AAAHH!

AHHHHH!!!!!!

AAAH! AHHHHHH!!!!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Sarah!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC RISES]

[CELEBRATORY MUSIC]

[CLAPPING, CHEERS]

MAYOR: Captain Richard Johnson.

Emily Ritter.

Mrs. Sarah Martin.

Larry Leija.

Heinrich Rammelstein.

Mary Maddox.

Hank Horowitz.

And the man who protected his family,

this city,

our newest superhero and the greatest example

this city has that anyone is capable of true heroism...

Joe Martin!

Average Joe.

[CLAPPING, CELEBRATORY MUSIC]

♪ Walking side by side through fire ♪

♪ There is nothing we

♪ can't conquer unified

My hero.

I know.

[CHEERING]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ In the meeting of

♪ a man's heart everyone won't you come join us ♪