All language subtitles for We.Love.You.2016.WEB-DL.x264-RARBG

(rock music)

(The Non-Commissioned Officers'
"Ahead of the Wave" playing)

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Life is a rolling ocean

♪ If you want to stay
in motion ♪

♪ You gotta get,
you gotta get ♪

♪ You gotta get
ahead of the wave ♪

♪ Young love's never humble

♪ Everybody takes a tumble

♪ Better get, you better get

♪ You better get
your head on straight ♪

♪ Hear that rolling ocean

♪ Better get ahead

♪ You know
that wave is comin' ♪

♪ Better get ahead

♪ If you want to catch
the big fish ♪

♪ And take him to cherish

♪ You gotta get,
you gotta get ♪

♪ You got to get
ahead of the wave ♪

♪ Hear that rolling ocean

♪ You better get ahead

♪ You know that wave
is coming ♪

♪ Better get ahead

324!

325, 326, 327...

328...

32... 32... 329.
Yeah.

Watching you guys play badminton

makes me profoundly sad.

We weren't
playing badminton, Glenn.

We were playing goodminton.

The point is to hit it
as soft as possible

to get as many in a row
as we can.

It's a game of
gentlemanly cooperation.

I'll bet you two learned a lot

about gentlemanly cooperation
in your bed,

where you have sex.

No one likes a homophobe, Glenn.

And no one likes
you two assholes.

You kiss your mother
with that filthy mouth?

You kiss your boyfriend
with those ugly lips?

As a matter of fact...
In your fricking face.

Whoa, you can't talk
to the kid like that.

That's not a kid.
That's Glenn.

He's a dick.

- Screw you.
- Okay!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

- Screw you, fighter baby.
- Glenn, go... go home.

You're lucky.
You're lucky.

Hey, come on.

We're gonna be late
for our double date.

Suckers.

(light guitar music)

To be clear, no,

he doesn't really kiss me
with those ugly lips,

because we're into girls...

Specifically these two
extremely attractive girls

that are meeting us right now.

This seaside pub
is rustic yet hip,

this is my favorite shirt,

and I'm having
a pretty decent hair day.

Yup, it's a good day
for capital-L love.

Ford over here
is more interested in, well,

the kind of love
you don't have to call again.

Now, despite all odds, we are
crushing this first date.

I could imagine just
staying in on a Saturday night

and watching
dry British comedies

and, you know, streaming,

and it's like I kind of
fantasize about, like,

cuddling you, you know?

Ooh, that sounded way better
in my head.

Maybe they didn't hear me.

Ah, I just blew it for us.

Oh, my gosh.
I should go.

This is gonna be too awkward
for me to handle.

Yeah, I'm gonna come
with you, actually.

- What?
- What?

You're not gonna leave a tip

or at least pay for your drink?

Great.
(sighs)

You know what, Noah? I don't
even think she was the one.

Yeah, mine neither.
Definitely not the one.

(rock music)

Why both our names? It should just
be your name. You're the painter.

Yeah, but it was our idea. Yeah,
but you're actually talented.

You shouldn't even be
working here.

You know what? You could be
a millionaire painter,

like... like Picasso
or even Banksy.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

The guys need to see this.

(sighs)

(clears throat)

It's a great painting.

I mean, for a fisting bro spray.

Last week, I was painting a top
hat on a condom, and now this.

Maybe I ought to just,
like, you know,

quit my job,
be, like, a real artist.

I don't know. Do you
like food and shelter?

I do.
I love those things.

I literally need them every day.

- All the time.
- Really?

Ooh.

Fascinating.

A scathing satire
of the homoerotic world

of faux masculinity
and fraternal life,

an American cover-up
hoisted upon young men

to capably deny their desire
for the fist.

How's the website looking,
programmer?

PoundTheFistFeelTheMist.com
is up and running.

Pound the fist, feel the mist.

The bro community's
gonna love that.

I agree.

Derrick, Matthias,
do we have a theme

for our promo party?

Oh, we're gonna need
some more time.

We had some ideas,

but they were a little bit...

raunchy?

Oh, wow.

I'm gonna go ahead and say

that even a little raunchy
is not okay.

Well, it's a giant, veiny fist
called Tight. I love it.

Remember our motto;

"We give the customers
what they want."

That's not really a motto.

It's kind of just
what businesses do.

Okay, let's just get
this model made

of Noah and Ford's design
and test it.

- Yes, sir.
- You got it.

Let's go.
Hmm? Come on.

Oh, just us?
All right.

We'll work on that.

(whispers)
I'm already done with my work.

(energetic rock music)

Every day after work, we like
to meet up for happy hour.

The happiest thing
about this place

is that girl.

Ford likes to call her NGH
for Never Gonna Happen,

because, well, after a year,

I have yet to figure out
how to make a move.

Even Jess has more game than me.

When was the last time
you had a one-night stand?

Yesterday.

(laughs)

I had to have some.

So I opened my phone
and swiped right.

- Mm.
- We met for coffee.

I took him back to my place,

introduced him to the roommates,

got the go-ahead,

so I brought him back into
my room and closed the door.

All: And?

Adult stuff happened.

That's all I'm gonna say.

- Ooh!
- What?

And then I asked him to leave,

because I like
eating dinner alone.

- That's how it's done. -Can
we stop talking about me?

Derrick, let's talk about you.

Last night.

- No.
- Wait, what?

- What about your boyfriend?
- Oh, he knows.

But we live by
what's called gay law.

What is that?

We're listening.

So Carlos and I love each other,

but we're dudes,

and we do what dudes do, and...

So technically, you guys
can have a threesome

whenever you want.

Like, you can literally
see a guy at a bar

and say, "That guy"
and go home and bang.

- And we do.
- That's it.

I want to be gay.

It's so progressive.

I don't think
that's how it works.

It works for him.
Perfect, bam.

So nobody gets hurt?

Okay, getting hurt
is not out of the question,

but for us, it's not like
you straight weirdos.

You must learn
to press past your fears.

When you do, life will
unfold before you

in the most beautiful of ways.

I once mercy-banged
an elderly Scottish woman.

Saved my life.

Okay, that's a story
I want to hear about.

- Yeah.
- Pictures.

I'm just not, like,

a "hit on a girl
at a bar" kind of guy.

We know; it's 'cause you're
a "get in a relationship

"and then get broken up with
and then cry about it

to your friends" kind of guy.

That is so harsh.

- Bye, baby.
- (laughs)

How could you do that?

You just lost your chance.

I should have talked to her.

Noah, you have to take
some swings.

Otherwise, it's always
gonna be like prom.

Noah was standing in a corner
in a bad-fitting suit

looking all desperate
and sad and pathetic.

My suit fit very well.

That's it.

What is more sexual for the American
adolescents than the senior prom?

We will create
a prom night for this Tight.

Hmm?

(upbeat music)

Sir.

Have you tried Tight
by Bro Spray?

It's free.

(people talking and laughing)

So excited.

You guys having
a good time tonight?

Are you texting a hot guy?

No, I'm actually making an app.

It's like... okay, you take
a picture of your face,

and then you scroll this bar
farther and farther,

and you get older and older
until you're dead.

And then you can scroll
backwards till you're a fetus.

Wow, that's...
amazing.

It's only working
to middle age right now,

but you'll be dead
before you know it.

Oh.

On the app, not in real life.

I think you're great alive.

That's great.

People are waiting.

You need to get out there
and test the waters,

see how the Tight water
is floating.

Don't be the kitty
afraid of the titty.

Go milk.
Ha!

He likes to punch me.

BOTH: Oh!

It's Bro Spray.
Really?

Ooh, that's awful.

(coughing)
It smells like...

- It smells like...
- Good stuff.

No, like, Fruit Stripe gum
mixed with, like, hot tar.

It's what we're selling.

Get out there
and holler at the honeys

or whatever it is
you frat boys do.

Make it look like
this stuff works.

Ford out.

Could I take you up
on that killing offer?

I thought you'd never ask.

I know it was awkward before,
but yes, sure, definitely.

Let's do that.

But have a little fun first.

Good luck.

Yeah.

What is that great smell?

(sniffs)
Oh, it's me.

Here, smell, smell.

Oh, you look like a girl
that wants to smell me.

Come here, girl.

Hello, miss.

I am wearing a sexual fragrance,

and I... yeah.

It comes in a little fist.
How cute is that? Pound it.

This is the essence of bro.
It's eau de bro.

It... is that gross? You're right. I
wouldn't want that on my body either.

(music playing)

Beautiful, beautiful work, boys.

Tight is gonna flip a biscuit
when they hear about this.

Thank you.

Great.

How was your reaction
to the smell?

Oh, it was great. It was just, you
know, pure animal attraction.

Just women just coming at me,
and I had to, you know,

get them away.

When was the last time you
ejaculated inside of a woman?

Excuse me?

(chuckles)
No, no.

Noah here
is a serial monogamist.

He's only had sex with himself.

- Or a girl.
- In his dreams.

I swear to God I've had sex.

It's okay.

I know what it is
to be celibate.

I... (laughs)
That's the thing, though.

I'm not celibate.

- Shh, shh.
- I'm really not.

(clicking tongue)

I have a long and very
turbulent sexual history,

to the point where, honestly,

doing the sticky-stuckus
has grown quite passé for me.

I prefer the intensity
of a good dream.

- Oh.
- Especially a sticky one.

I've trained my mind
to control them.

The ecstasy of a lucid
midnight emission,

ooh, incomparable.

I will partner with you
and show you how.

Oh, I'm...

- Take me up on it.
- I think I'm okay.

- I will show you.
- Okay.

I think he has the hots for you.

I don't know about that.

Listen, me and Jess are about
to go out for some drinks.

You want to come?

Uh, no.
You guys go have fun.

I think I'm gonna just stay here

and wallow
in my self-loathing.

All right, good. Get some
practice in, all right?

Thank you.

Love you.
Bye.

Oh, dude, you smell horrible.

We all smell horrible.
That's Tight.

Go.
Have a good night.

Ooh, he's not wrong.

Well, the promo party's
an epic disaster,

on top of which I've designed

the world's worst-smelling
body spray,

and it's just my luck, while
destroying my monstrosity,

that's when I met Callie.

Damn, what did those bottles
ever do to you?

Could the concept be douchier?

Uh...
(chuckles)

Kind of hard to believe that
someone actually made this.

Yeah, well, someone did.

And that someone is you?

That someone is me.

(laughs) Do you mind if I
take a picture of you?

- Uh...
- With this?

I... um...

Okay.

Take your glasses off.

You're handsome.
Embrace it.

- (chuckles)
- You should wear contacts.

Ready?

Sadder.

Sadder.
(shutter clicks)

(laughs)

Perfect.

Well, I hope to see
more of your work someday.

Yeah?

Hey, I'm Noah.

I'm Callie.

Callie.

Could I get your...

e-mail or something?

No, I have a better idea.

- (upbeat dance music)
- This party's amazing!

I'm so excited!

Wow.

Secret party.

(squeals)

What?

I like this one of you.

I have a visible erection.

- Really?
- No.

Oh, then I'm not interested.

Oh.

I like you.

Why?

You keep it low-key.

You're like an iceberg.

There's stuff below the surface.

I'm pretty sure it's just ice

beneath the surface
of an iceberg.

(bell ringing)

Praise hands, everybody.
Come on.

Come on.
Feel the spirit.

(sighs)
Or not.

But let's all be thankful today,

because the client bought
our prom campaign for Tight.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Now, due to my faith,

Tight isn't a product
I personally endorse,

as it encourages sex
before marriage,

as well as
its subtle endorsement

that sodomy is A-okay.

But we're still young
as a business,

need to take it all.

Uh, I did not mean that
sexually.

Well, I take everything
sexually.

All the time.

Okay, well,
now for some great news.

We just heard from Converse,

and they want to do
a promotional event

here in town,
and they want us to pitch.

What's the strategy?

Urban adventure.

So I want everyone
to put your heads together

and just come up with something
outside the box.

I really think we can
blow Converse away.

(various conversations)

Uh, how about
a city-wide scavenger hunt

with clues that lead people
all over the city?

There'd be, like, a goal
at the end or a treasure,

like a one-of-a-kind pair
of golden Converse.

I could do the art,
have Ford talk to manufacturing,

Jess builds the app,
Derrick shoots the spot,

and Matthias writes the copy.

Noah, I am blown away.

This idea just might be
your ark.

As in Noah's ark?

Yeah, we saw it.

With Russell Crowe.

You... no, you got
to read the story.

In... in the book.

We don't see it
with the Russell Crowe,

but he's in it.

Okay.
You know what?

Good job, Noah, okay?

- All right!
- Dude!

I have never seen you so on.

I know, right?

Okay, can I tell you a secret?

Of course.

I kind of met a girl.

Like, a real good-looking lady.

Does... does she know you?

Yeah, yeah, dude.
She knows me.

We... we kissed.

What?
That's awesome.

We can go on a double date now.

Yeah.
Wait, hold on.

You're seeing someone too?

I don't want to jinx it,

but tomorrow afternoon,
I have a date,

and I'm completely into her.

Yes!
I love it.

Dude, that's awesome.

Okay.
See, man?

Shit's really turned around
for us.

Bloo, bloo, bloo!

You know what?
I really like this place.

I mean, this is so much
different

than my normal first dates

that I really appreciate this,
so thank you.

You're welcome.

I'd normally invite you over,

you know, pour some wine,
make some popcorn.

You know, sit on the couch,
start cuddling,

put on some Netflix,

and then you know,
start... start chilling.

Is this on your first date?

I mean, usually,

'cause there usually isn't
a second, so...

Oh, okay.

To be 100% honest,

I'm really glad
you took me here.

I don't normally get
to see things like this.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're not just saying that?

No, the girl never usually

takes me on a date like this.

Look at this.
Look at this.

I mean, trees smell nice.

I'm just messing.
I'm happy to be here with you.

- It's cute.
- Here it is.

(bird squawking)

We're gonna do it here?

- Ni Hao ma.
- (squawks) Ni Hao ma.

That's awesome!
It said, "Ni Hao ma."

What does that mean?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't speak Chinese.

I just mimic birds
who speak Chinese.

- Ni Hao ma.
- Okay.

(bird squawking)

(bell ringing)

Guys, the miracles
keep on coming.

Converse likes Noah's treasure hunt.
They want to hear more.

So in the next couple weeks,
we're gonna do a formal pitch.

I'd like to do the pitch.
With Ford.

Okay, you guys got it.

Oh, uh, and in other pieces
of news,

as of last night,

Marta and I
are officially engaged.

(whistles and applause)

So I think a little celebration
is in order,

so everyone please
join us for cake.

All right.

It's Marta, not Martha.

They're both good names.

This is like barf-a.

You must be so psyched
to get married.

It's a blessed union.

Yeah, but I mean more so
for the, you know,

getting to have sex
for the first time thing.

And then hopefully
a lot more times after that.

Oh, well, I won't lie;
I'm a hot-blooded male too.

But as you know, I have
a strong religious center.

Otherwise, I'm just like you.

Well, let me recommend
some slow jams,

you know, so you can
bump and grind and

ah, ah, ah.

Tell me about this new girl.

Well, it's only been
a few dates so far.

I don't want to, you know,
say too much.

You've literally said nothing.

Oh, well, I think
that may be for the best.

I... I get so nervous
talking about her.

I mean, and my hands get sweaty.

- Feel them.
- I believe you.

Yeah. I don't know.
She's really cool.

She's, like, creative...
Like, very creative...

But in, like,
a really non pretentious way.

Yeah, of course.
She's very hot.

And she's actually pretty smart.

And she's dating you?

I know.
Right?

I'm, like, totally smitten,

because I think she is maybe
seeing another guy.

Well, we haven't discussed

the whole exclusivity thing
at this point.

She said she's open
to just dating one person.

Don't have that conversation.

- No?
- No.

Exclusivity.

So I don't know.

I mean, I don't... I don't want
to sound too confident,

but I think there's, like,
a 50/50 chance

that guy could be me.

50/50, yeah.

Not to worry.
That wasn't too confident.

I think you're good.

Yo.

So I heard you telling Derrick

this girl of yours
likes whiskey?

Mine too.

What else about yours?

Uh, well, she is
pretty bad-ass.

Oh, trust me, mine is
the definition of bad-ass.

And she knows how
to make me laugh.

She's so funny.

Ooh, mine too.

But get this.
Mine rides horses.

Okay, mine rides horses.

But she doesn't know how
to ride a bike.

Mine had a tiny Chihuahua
when she was little named J.Lo.

J.Lo.

(laughs)

Yeah, um, mine did too.

Mine's 5 feet...

7 inches tall?

- Takes...
BOTH: Boxing classes.

- Eats...
BOTH: Chili lime chips.

- Wears...
BOTH: Adorable red sneakers.

What is happening to us?

Noah?

Look, this is gonna hurt,

but one of us
has to stop seeing her.

Dude, come on.

You know a girl like this
is not coming along

in either of our lives
ever again.

Maybe.

But she came into
both of our lives

at the same time.

Yeah.

All right, you know what?
Let's be fair.

Both of us
have to stop seeing her.

(scoffs)

It's the only way
we'll survive this, Noah.

(sighs)
I...

Okay, fine, sure.

I'll do it first.

What's up?

I can't believe I'm doing this.
Um, I have to...

(phone buzzes)

I don't really know
how to say this.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

- Great.
- What?

My friend bailed on me.

We were supposed to go mushroom
hunting, and now she can't make it.

Excuse me. What?
Mushroom hunting?

I mean, we go hunting
for mushrooms,

and we eat them.

(sighs)
You're amazing.

- Noah.
- Hmm?

Would you want to go with me?

I... I do love mushrooms.

It's pretty cool.

Well, I mean, I can...
There's a...

Please, yes.
I would love to.

Here you go, sir.

Callie?

(sighs)

I'm breaking up with you.

Me and Noah just...
You know, we can't...

We can't keep...

Oh, my.

I'm screwed.

Okay, so what happened?

You didn't break it off.

I didn't break it off.

Noah, it was hard.

I know!
It's impossible!

She's sexy
and loves mushroom hunting.

Ugh, it's like someone
invented the perfect girl

just to torture us.

You didn't break it off.

No, of course
I didn't break it off!

I'm mortal!

Okay.
All right, look.

What if I said I had an idea?

Now, it's gonna sound
completely crazy, but just...

Nope, I'm not flipping
a coin for her.

No!

Can we both agree
that if we stop dating her,

some inferior jerk
who doesn't deserve her

is gonna swoop in
and start dating her anyway?

Yes.

You know
what happens then, Noah?

- Uh...
- We both lose.

- Right.
- But what if...

we don't stop dating her?

I'm sorry.
I'm not following.

We share her.

- What?
- We joint-date her.

It'll all be aboveboard.

Let's back up.
I think that is literally...

And I mean this
without exaggeration...

The worst idea I've ever heard.

And we work in advertising.

- Is it, though?
- Yeah.

- But is it?
- Yes!

I mean, she's gonna end up
liking one of us more,

probably you, and this...

Oh, man, this whole thing
is way too weird.

- It's not that weird.
- It's that weird.

People date more than
one person all the time.

The difference is
they're not honest about it.

We're best friends;
we'll be so honest.

Yeah, I'll just tell her,
"Honestly, Callie,

"Ford and I are best friends,

which is why we are gonna
double-team you."

- Yeah!
- What?

That's actually
the perfect situation.

What do guys complain about most in
a relationship? Not enough space.

What do girls complain about?
Not enough attention.

This way, we'll get
double the space.

She'll get double the beef.
She might be into it.

She's not like other girls.

She's from Venezuela.

That doesn't mean anything!

Everything about this is absurd.

The point is,
I don't want to lose her.

Yeah, I don't want to lose her.

Shit!

Venezuela.

Yeah, I heard you
the first time.

(laughs)

Okay.
Okay, look.

(sighs)
Ah!

I'll do this
but on one condition.

I stop using
your work computer for porn.

That would be a good idea,

but also if she dumps one of us,

then the other person
has to break it off.

It's all or nothing.

You won't regret this.

Yeah, I won't regret this.

Of course I'm gonna regret this.

We're gonna...
Dude, don't dance like that.

You know we're gonna
freak her out.

Nothing about this is good.

God, I hate him.

Noah, just be cool.

No, I'm being cool.

Look, dude,
we got to get out of here.

She's gonna come any minute.

- I can't...
- She's coming.

Hey!

- Hey.
- (laughs)

Hey.

Noah?

Yeah.

- Have a seat.
- Oh.

Funny story.

We actually found out
about each other.

Really?

We're actually best friends.

That's weird.

Well, it's about to get weirder.

We have a proposal. Noah and I
have a lot of fun with you.

And you have a lot of fun
with us, right?

- Yeah.
- We all have fun.

So why should that have to stop?

- I'm not following.
- All right, Callie, look.

Noah and I individually
are not that amazing.

Wait, no.
Guys, you are amazing.

Trust me on this one.
We're not.

But together...
Oh, together,

we become, like,
this perfect boyfriend.

Like a boyfriend Voltron.

It's a show from the '80s.

It's... never mind.

Callie, Noah isn't about to jump
out of planes with you, but I am.

But you know what he is gonna do?
He's gonna read books with you.

He's gonna talk about art.
You know, art?

And he's gonna...

he's... he's gonna...

(both talking quietly)

But look, what we're saying is,

date both of us.

But, like, at different times.

We want to be your boyfriend.

Wow, um...

here's the thing, guys.

I want you to know
that I like you both a lot.

And at this point, I would hate
to choose between you both.

Then don't choose.
You don't have to.

Yeah, but this three-way thing
is kind of crazy.

You're right.
It's crazy. We...

No, no.
But that's why I love it.

- What?
- See?

Yeah, I love it.
I mean, it's different

from any other relationship
I've ever been in,

and they've all been super bad,
so it can't be that bad, right?

- No. It's not bad at all.
It's actually great. -Yeah.

But aren't you guys gonna start, like,
I don't know, fighting or anything?

- No, no, we're best friends.
- Yeah.

We've been through
so much worse.

NOAH: We're good.
We've been through worse.

All right.
Let's do this!

What if everything feels
different now with her?

It's not gonna be different.

You've gone on a couple
of dates with her.

They went great, right?

Yeah, but now
it's, like, official.

We're both, like, officially
dating the same girl,

which is just gonna be awkward.

It's not gonna be awkward.

Just keep doing what you're
doing, and all will be fine.

(sighs)

- All right, look. Here.
- What's this?

My lucky flask. Well,
one of my lucky flasks.

Just put some bourbon in it,

and no matter where you are
or what you're doing,

if you have that,
you'll be okay.

These sound like
famous last words.

Hey, assholes,
I'll take a drink.

That's cute.

(light music)

My dad and my mom...

I don't know;
they separated,

and he's been gone for a while.

You know, me and my father
used to come here all the time

to go fishing.

I was actually
a really good fisher.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He's like my best friend.

And I'm talking too much.

No, no, no, no at all.

- Yes, I am!
- No, I...

Look, I enjoy listening to you.

All right.

- Whoa!
- This is stupid.

But I love it.
I love it.

Let me show you what I got.

Wait, wait.

(laughs)

Oh!

Oh, my God!

- That was close.
- Wow.

Have you always loved

taking pictures?

Yeah, I mean,
if you think about it,

it's the only thing
that freezes time.

Okay, maybe one day,
you'll be like, you know,

a famous photographer.

I mean, I would love to be
like Annie Leibovitz.

You know who she is?

An... Annie Leibovitz!
Yeah!

She's my favorite!

She's my favorite too.

- In, like, three seconds.
- The photographer.

Yeah, but give me more,
because Callie brought her up

in a conversation,
and I didn't know what to say.

I felt like an idiot.

She took that famous portrait
of John Lennon and Yoko Ono

when they're lying
in the bed naked.

Okay, perfect, perfect. That's
more than enough. Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You know what? While you
were gone, I was thinking.

You know what I want to do
with you?

We should re-create

that famous John Lennon
and Yoko Ono picture

that Annie Leibovitz took.

It's, like, my favorite
picture of all time.

Well, you know what? I don't
like that one that much.

What others do you like?

Ye... um...
I... I like the...

(laughs)

Okay, I don't know anything
about Annie Leibovitz.

I just found out that fact 'cause
I kind of wanted to impress you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, you did.

Well, it sounds like
everything is running

like a German auto factory.

As they say, hitchless.

It's going great,
and the best part is

there's no pressure.

It's just pure fun.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

And you too, Noah.

Huh?

You work well together.

You two are ninjas
in the same dojo.

Just make sure
your swords don't cross.

(laughs)

You told Matthias?

No, I... I didn't.

Then who did?

Okay, yeah, I did,
but it's fine.

He can give us
beneficial advice.

He does weird stuff
all the time.

Did you know he was
a live-in sex butler

for a man and woman
in Stuttgart?

So? Dude,
as soon as Ed finds out,

he's gonna freak
and he's gonna fire us.

He's not gonna fire us.
We've been killing it for him.

Yes, he will.
Dude, he's so Christian,

he still watches
Veggie Tales movies.

He doesn't have kids.

Matthias knows better
than to tell anyone.

We know all his
deepest, darkest secrets.

Well, well, well.
I'm impressed.

I always thought of you boys
as typical straight dudes,

but it turns out you're more
adventurous than I thought.

Keep up the good work.

You always need to get relationship
advice from your gay friend.

So we should have the talk.

'Kay. What talk?

The sex talk.

(laughs)
What talk?

The sex tal...
I'm asking,

have you had sex
with Callie yet or not?

You haven't told me, so...

No, no, no!

Okay, cool.
Okay.

I've been taking it slow.

Yeah, cool.

Have you?

Uh, no.

Oral?

Uh, uh, just kissing so far.

Okay.

All right, we can't be weird
about this.

Yeah, no, I know.

No, like, this is
our make-or-break.

One of us is gonna
get there first,

and the other cannot
freak out about it.

No freaking out.
Got it.

But...
(inhales)

But, like, which one of us
gets to go there first?

You know what I mean?

That's not our decision to make.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I know that.

But I just wonder, like,
we could both agree to...

Or we both agree
to just be cool about it.

(phones vibrating)

I'll hang out. You got
to go to the gym, right?

- Not after this little talk.
- Okay, let's flip a coin for it.

No way.

Then what do you suggest?

Well, tonight's gonna be
our first double date, I guess.

Which is weird.

I mean, on top of
the already weird situation.

Now that I told you
about your arrangement,

are you, like, disgusted
with me and Ford?

Oh, no, not additionally
disgusted.

Just the same as before.

But, like, in a good way.

No. You realize when one of you
has sex with her,

things are going
to implode, right?

(scoffs)
Oh, come on.

I mean, we have our own, like, styles
and vibes and stuff. We're good.

None of those things,
like, help the situation.

But whatever you say.
You do you.

Just call me right after.

Not right after.
Maybe the next day.

Whenever you feel comfortable
and are fully clothed,

give me a buzz.

Okay.

Thanks for listening.

I figure Ford's, you know,

just proclaiming it
to the office,

so, you know, I thought
it might be a good idea

to get a female opinion.

Yup, that's me.

All female, all opinions.

(snaps fingers)

Welcome to the mill.

All right, right there.
Come here.

I want to show you, like,
my favorite thing in the world.

This is Big Buck Hunter.

I have the high score
right here, as you can see.

My hunting persona is One Shot.

- You?
- One Shot, baby.

Oh!

All right.

Look, the objective is to actually kill
the animal, so no playing nice, okay?

- You know how to use this?
- I got it. Yes, I got it.

- This is how you-
- I know how to hold a gun.

- All right, reload.
- Down.

(laughs)
Down. Ready?

All right, I'm gonna
take it easy on you.

No, don't take it easy on me.

Ready?

Go.

(gunshot effects)

I got that one.

- (laughing)
- Oh!

- How are you...
- Is this working?

Yo, just be quiet.
Quiet.

Nothing from the peanut gallery.
What are you doing?

How are you doing good at this?

Stop, you're not supposed to
actually be good at this.

I'm actually
really good at this.

Careful.
Stop.

(laughs)
Whoa.

- What?
- I got one.

- Holy shit.
- Oh, wait, no, two!

My gun's broken.

I'm about to beat
your high score.

No, my gun's not working.
No, you're not.

Oh! Oh!

Holy shit.

You got the Critter Bonus
and everything.

Bummer, dude.
Sorry.

Hey, you,
you're a wonderful artist.

I love your work,
beating Ford at his own game.

It was gonna be
embarrassing for him.

You are, like, made of magic.

You... you're magical.

God, I just...
I love you.

What?

What?

I... I said I...
love you?

I love you too.

I mean... I mean,
we love you.

Yeah, that's what
I-I mean, we...

We love you.

I love you guys too.

You know what?

This is actually pretty nice.

Yeah, it's working out.

Yeah.

Oh, it was a long night.
I'm gonna go home.

Ford, you're on the way. Do
you want me to drop you off?

Uh, yeah.
Sure.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

Okay.

This has a lot of potential
right here.

Yeah?
This is quite good.

It titillates
without being too insipid.

- It's really-
- Oh, hey, here we go.

So all right.
Check it out.

Here are the Converse.

These are fresh!

- Funky fresh.
- We'll focus-test it.

So how's your
collective girl doing?

I still can't believe

that Ford told you guys
about that.

I trust them.

Noah, your secret
is safe with us.

Okay?

I have much darker
and dirtier secrets

I've never, never revealed.

Much darker.

I'm curious
about the sex schedule.

Are the three of you exclusive
to one another?

Have you even floated the
threesome question yet? I would.

No, we've been
taking it pretty slow,

you know, so no sex yet.

(coughs)

(laughs)
Actually...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're... last night? When she
was just driving you home?

Look, it had to be one of us.

(scoffs)

Ford to reception, please.

I'm sorry.

- (bell rings)
- Round one goes to Ford.

(sighs)

(laughs nervously)

Um, okay, guys,
I need your help.

You want to stick it
in your girl.

Sure, okay.

Yes, yes, that is
what I want to do,

the thing you said.

Noah, I love you,

but you're too sweet
for your own good.

You need to add some danger
to the dynamic.

- Women love danger.
- They do.

Yeah, but, see, I'm not really
the dangerous type.

You know what I mean? That's kind
of... I wouldn't know how to do that.

I'm not telling you
to stab anyone.

I'm telling you
to invite her over

and put on
a sexy Liam NEESON thriller.

Stabbing could be fun
if it's with your flesh rod.

If you ask me, what I see here

is you and Ford,
and over here is Callie.

And who's this?

This is Noah
up on his sexual steed,

this erotic little animal.

And he's running through
the pastures.

To get to the Callie,
you're gonna have to gallop.

And then you're gonna have
to whisk her away.

- Whisk her away through the...
- (thud)

Over there in your bed.

That's when
you will transform yourself

into the sexual Noah.

When you do, I want to meet him.

Me too.

They told me to be, like,
Sexual Noah.

Sexual Noah?
What does that even mean?

I don't know.

Wait, well,

you shouldn't be
listening to these guys.

I mean, they don't even know
what they're talking about.

Sexual Noah?

That... that sounds gross.

What?

I just envisioned it.

I don't know.
It just seems weird.

Be yourself.
She'll be comfortable.

She'll pick up on it. And you guys
will have a really good time.

Yeah, see, but I don't even know
what to, like, do with her.

She's not an infant.
Take her on a date.

Yeah, we've been on dates.

I'm saying, like,
I don't know...

Like, what's an ideal date?
What's a good perfect date?

I think an ideal date
is just taking a nice walk.

A walk?

Yeah, show up with,
like, a cute little gift

or strawberry ice cream.
That'd be awesome.

Okay, but, see, no, 'cause she
doesn't even like ice cream.

- What?
- No, it's a thing.

That's weird.
You realize that, right?

I know, but she's one in a million.
What are you gonna do?

Just be yourself and stop trying
to be someone you're not.

You want her to like you
for you, don't you?

Yeah, okay.
No, you're right.

That's... yeah, that's probably
pretty good advice.

It was?

I mean, honestly,
the whole time,

I was blacked out
and just thinking about food,

and I really don't think I hit
the surface of the analogy.

- Oh.
- I should stop while I'm ahead.

You like it?
We're good.

Can we eat now?

I'm good.
Thank you.

Bye.

Cute kitchen, Noah.

So we're watching
a Liam NEESON movie, right?

Uh, yeah.

Or...

You know, all movies
should be filmed

in newspaper offices.

I know. Right?
It's amazing.

When he walks with a lady,
he waits for her.

Oh, well, in that case...

(laughing)

Oh, I wish I worked there.

(light music)

Wow, that was actually
really good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Thank you.
Hey, I got something for you.

All right.

Okay, it's...

a little something, uh...

What is it?

Okay.

Oh, my God, Noah.

Did you make this for me?

Yeah, it's my first memory

of seeing you
at that prom thing.

I love it.

Yeah, you like it?

Cool.

(whistling softly)

Dude, what's going on?

Hmm? What?

(babbling)

Did... did you and Callie...

I slept with her!

(laughs)
I knew it!

It was like
a religious experience.

I'm happy for you.

I think this thing's
gonna work out.

It is.

Did she ask you, by the way,

to do that photo shoot thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, do you know
what we're doing?

No, I just said I'll do it.

Yeah, okay, me neither.

CALLIE: (laughs)

Nice ones.
Okay.

Yeah, looks good.

Hey, they're here.

Hey, guys, this is Emery.

He's an amazing photographer.

He's helping me a lot.

How's it going, Emery?
Ford.

- BOTH: Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

Nice to meet you too.

So cool you guys
are up for this.

Yeah.
Oh, of course.

Anything for
this beautiful lady here.

So what are we doing, exactly?

You guys are gonna be my models.

- (laughs)
- Okay.

- We're gonna model?
- Yeah.

- "Naked Friends."
- Cool.

Yeah.

Old friends, young friends,
unfiltered.

(laughs)

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- In a photo, in...
- Yeah, what's the big deal?

There's the whole posterity thing.
What about my future kids?

I don't know.
I don't want to see them...

I'm sorry.
Who are you again?

- I'm Emery.
- Emery.

It's called "Naked Friends."
I need you both.

Look, I would love
to support you in this.

I want to support you. I
just... I'm not cool with that.

Well, I don't know what to do now.
The project's due.

Look, it's cool.

- I'll do it, all right?
- What?

I feel like
we're friends already.

No, no, no, no, I need you.
I need you to help me shoot.

Look, you know
what you're doing.

Come here.
Good, you're good.

You got this, all right?

- All right.
- Okay?

- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.

Let's do it.
Let's get naked.

(laughs) New friends
getting naked together.

♪ I want to get wild
with you ♪

What?

♪ I want to get wild
with you ♪

Perfect.
No, no, no, back to back.

♪ Wild with you

♪ I want to get wild with you

♪ I want to get wild
with you ♪

Nice meeting you.

(speaking indistinctly)

Hey.
Uh, congratulations.

By the way, the whole thing,
I'm sorry about,

you know, not getting naked.

No, it's okay.

You're you, and Ford is Ford.

And he gets into things
really hard and really fast.

You're more of a slow burn.

But I know I can count on you.

Yeah.
But, hey, we're still on

for movie night
at my place tonight?

A 1933 Ernst Lubitsch film
called "Design for Living."

It's about two best friends. I
think you'd find it interesting.

It's kind of up your alley.

I have a better idea.
Come into the green room.

I... oh, wow.

Here, take a shot.

Uh, okay.

Hey, man.

What's going on?

Callie had an idea.

Oh, did she?

What do you... what do you...
What's going on?

Well, Ford is basically naked,

and I'm about to be naked.

Oh, are you?

Is...

Mm.

(laughs nervously)

Oh, uh, 'kay.
Is...

Yeah, hey, I'm not kissing you.

I didn't want you to.

So?

(stammering)

We gonna do this?

I guess.

Oh, screw it.
It's been a weird day.

(no audible dialogue)

Ah. Whoa!

Well, look what you did!

I got it.

I kind of feel a little
weird about last night.

Hey, yeah.
It was a little intense.

It wasn't... it wasn't quite
what I was expecting, you know?

Yeah, a lot more waiting
around than I was expecting.

Waiting, yeah.

It was just waiting
and then watching

and just got a little weird.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what it was.

(sighs)

I mean, I'm glad
we did it, though.

Really?

Yeah, I mean,
I always wanted to have

a threesome... I think.

I mean, not really with another
guy, but it was... it was different.

It was... yeah.

Probably one-time thing,
though.

You weren't into it?

(laughs)

No, I mean, I was just...

I just wasn't expecting you
to be so... you know.

Good?

Yeah, yeah, like, it was...
You were very good.

She was really into it with you,

and I was feeling...
not so much.

That's BS.
You looked great naked.

Like... very, very straight.
It was nice.

Oh, that's as far as we have to
go on that front, but thank you.

I appreciate it.

Hey, it's been long enough. What
do you say she meets our friends?

You think that's a good idea?

Totally. We're having
a company mixer.

Why doesn't she come along?

Dude, she can't come along.
Ed's gonna be there.

Ed can't find out
we're dating the same girl.

Okay, then she comes
as one of our dates.

Whose?

Normally, we play goodminton.

Today we don't play goodminton.

We play to win.

We play badminton,

and the winner gets
to take Callie to our dinner.

You're on, Rico Suave.

Idiots.

(upbeat music)

Oh, there he is right there.

- Oh.
- Yo, yo.

Uh-oh, there he is.
How's it going?

Ford, thank you so much
for coming.

Thank you for having us. I want you
to meet somebody very special;

my girlfriend, Callie.

- Hi.
- Oh, pleasure to meet you.

Ford, good work
nabbing this beautiful woman.

Oh, I know.

She keeps me young.

So where the drinks at?

- Oh, drinks are in the back.
- Perfect.

- Go at it.
- All right, man. Take care.

Ambien?

Oh, no, thanks.

Isn't it, like,
2:00 in the afternoon?

Sleep medication promotes
especially vivid dreams.

And as you know, I can
control myself in those dreams,

mentally stimulating myself
to the point of orgasm, really.

Yeah, right.
Of course.

It's like Pablo Picasso said;

"Anything that you
can imagine is real."

So anything I imagine
sexually, it will happen,

no matter how sensual,
how deviant,

or how fantastic it might be.

Excellent.

Yesterday I was banging...

Nope.

So how are things going?

So I'm still working on my app.

Yeah?
Let me see.

(laughs)
Oh, my.

So this is what I'll
look like when I'm dead?

I think
it's a fair approximation.

Oh, my gosh, that's great. Jess,
you're gonna sell a bunch of those.

Thanks.

The interface
still needs so much work,

which is actually why I thought

maybe I could send you
some stuff

and you can come up with some
ideas, if you have a chance.

Sure, yeah.

Okay.

(sighs) Can you believe
that's our girlfriend?

It's actually pretty weird
when you say it like that.

What? No. Come on.
Don't be so negative.

Things are going great.

I mean, we say
"we love you" to her.

And how does she take that?

Great. She says, "I love
you guys" back to us.

Like, "I love you each
individually"

or "I love you guys plural"?

Uh, I think it's...

I think she says,
"I love you guys."

I don't know.
I don't remember. Why?

Well, one is something
you say to your boyfriend,

and the other is something
you say to, like, your bros

in a beer commercial
or something.

Okay.
(laughs)

I think she meant it.

(stammering)

We're gonna keep
saying it, okay?

Whatever.

Look, I didn't want to be
the one to say this,

but you realize this shit's
getting really weird, right?

What? Since when
have you thought that?

I've always thought that.

But you supported me.

You were the one who had
all the good date ideas

and, you know, the ideas
for things to do

and what's gonna make
this thing work.

I just... I guess I didn't think
you would take it this far.

I thought you'd realize pretty quickly
that this is a bad arrangement.

It's not a bad arrangement.
It's real.

If this is real, if you have
real feelings for someone,

I just... I don't understand
how you can be okay

with them not being
completely into you too.

Wha...
(laughs)

Look, I'm happy, okay?

Come on.

You don't look very happy
standing up here,

pretending not to be
her boyfriend.

I am. I'm...

Okay, look, yeah, okay?

I do. I want... I want her to
like me the way she likes Ford.

Okay, great.
Go down there.

Go get her.
Win her back.

I don't know what you want me
to say anymore, Noah.

Look, I'm try...
I'm trying.

They're always doing
something dumb and fun together,

and I don't know
how to compete with that.

Okay, be dumber and funner.

Yeah, that...
That's probably...

That's actually
what I should do.

No, I was being sarcastic.

No, I mean, that's the
only move I have left.

The me thing,
that's not working.

What I need to do is be not me,

be something other than me,
be better than me.

Noah?

You're great.

If you don't realize that,

you're even dumber
than I thought.

Great.

This is perfect.

Thanks for coming.

- Hey.
- Noah, what are you doing here?

Let's go on a trip right now,
you and me.

What about Ford?

No, he can't make it.
Just you and me.

He's busy.
Got work stuff, you know.

Busy guy.
He does things.

Okay, all right.
Where are we going?

(birds chirping)

I just love alligators.

There are no alligators
in Minnesota.

No... Minnesota?

Venezuela, not Minnesota.

Venezuela.
I see.

Okay, well, hang on.
You wait here.

I'm gonna go survey
for alligators,

and I'll be right back.

- Wait, I should...
- No, no, just you wait here.

I'm gonna make sure it's safe.

- I will call you in a second.
- All right.

(sighs)

Hey. Now.

- Yeah?
- Come here.

This is gorgeous.
Here, come on over.

I'll show you when you get here.

Callie, Callie.

Come here. Come here.
Come on up.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God!
Are you crazy?

Let's do it right here.

- No!
- Come on.

- I am crazy.
- Shh.

I am out of my mind!

- Oh, my God.
- Come on!

You have no clothes on!

- Come on.
- No.

- Come on.
- No, no, no, stop.

- Callie.
- We can't do it here.

- Callie, come on.
- No, no, stop.

- Come on.
- (whistle blowing)

No, no, no, no.

There's no... it's not-

no, she's... she's my-

You stay away from me, okay?
I have mace.

- Please, no, stop.
- (whistle blowing)

There's no need to whi...
There's no...

I can... I can explain.
There's...

I can explain.

(siren blips)

NOAH: I need you to bail me out.

CALLIE: I don't
have any money.

NOAH: What?

Oh, you know what?
We can call Ford.

No, no, no, we can't.

He's... he's busy.

- Emery.
- Um...

Do you have a problem
with Emery?

Did you and Emery ever...

Why does that matter?

I don't know,
because he's, you know,

super handsome and amazing

and a super-cool guy who's rich
and has amazing pubes.

- Pubes?
- Yeah.

What?
I looked at his pubes, okay?

Okay. Okay, you know what?
Forget about it.

Let's just call Ford.

(sighs)

Yeah, you're right.

He's probably not that busy.

Noah, did you make that up,
that he's busy?

No, no, I... he's...

I'm just saying
he's probably not, you know,

as busy as, like,
another busy person

who's often busy might be.

Noah, are you still okay
with us all dating?

Yeah. I'm super cool.

Doesn't seem like it.

(melancholy music)

I'm cool.

I can't believe you lied
to her about me.

I'm sorry.
I needed alone time.

We had alone time.

We had schedules.

We're partners, remember?

Right, great partners.

She hasn't even answered
my last couple of calls.

She's holding you against me.

(scoffs)

She liked us, Noah.

It was working.
What more did you need?

- I... -Oh, and when
is the last time

me and you hung out...
Just us, messing around?

We don't even do that
without her around anymore.

Look, Ed's wedding's tomorrow,

and if she doesn't show up,
I don't have a date.

And that'll be your fault.

You know, I think the reason
we're having problems

with this whole Callie situation

is because you're jealous of me.

Why would I be jealous of you?

Maybe because me and Callie
get along great together.

You know, we have fun.
I'm able to make her laugh.

She needs excitement,

not somebody who can
barely even trust her.

No, what she needs is someone
who can keep

a relationship going
longer than two weeks

and who can talk to her about
things other than Big Buck Hunter.

I talk to her way more
than just Big Buck...

Hey, guys.

Oh, uh, hi.

You look... wow.

I wasn't sure
if you were coming.

I wasn't sure either.

Well, you look beautiful.

I said that.

Talk to me, Noah.

You said you liked living with that
guy and girl in Stuttgart, right?

(sighs)

So did anyone ever
have problems?

Like, did anyone ever get
jealous or anything like that?

It actually ended
in an interesting fashion.

Inga shot Marcus in the knee

with a Heckler & Koch
9-millimeter.

It was a fricking bloodbath.

I thought you said it was fun.

By the end of the night,

we were all dancing
in the blood,

so on the whole,
I would still have to say

it was a positive experience.

Hey, you're handsome,
and you know it.

Clap your hands.

♪ I may have two left feet

♪ But I can still feel
the beat ♪

♪ And I keep dancing
all night long ♪

I'll take three.

Thanks.

♪ How can I complain when... ♪

Yeah, I'll take that.
Thank you.

♪ So I'll be dancing
all night long ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be...

Want to dance?

Sure.

♪ I've got a smile
for everyone I see ♪

♪ For everyone I see

Milady.

(laughs)

♪ Is playing just for me

You guys look cute together...

Ford and his girl, you and Jess.

I'm glad you all came.

You... congratulations!
Ed, you did it!

You got married today!

You... you're the man, Ed.

Oh, man, Ed's gonna
have sex tonight!

Shh.

I don't...
He never did it before.

(laughs)

- You're so loud.
- It's gonna happen.

I wish I could be there.

(laughs)
No, you don't.

♪ Yeah, I'll be dancing
all night ♪

♪ Take my hand, darling

Oh, my God, hi.

Hey, guys.

You look happy.

We're getting married.

You're... you're...
Con...

You guys, congratulations!

I love this man so much.

Wait.

What about the whole
"it's so awesome we're gay

"'cause we can sleep around

and still be
in a relationship" thing?

Oh, we're cutting back
on that; honestly,

it was getting to be a bit
too much work emotionally.

And...

we're still open to inviting

the occasional fellow
into our bed

every now and then... you know,
for a special occasion...

A birthday, Easter...

Well, I'm just happy

everyone's having
such a good time.

Excuse us.

FORD: Hello?
Is this thing on?

Bye.

FORD: Hey, can I have
your attention, please?

I'd like to make a toast

to our newlyweds, Ed and Marta,

proof that America deserves

an interracial Romeo and Juliet.

Ed, you're not just
a boss to me.

You're a... you are,
but you're a great boss,

a great one.

But more importantly,
when I see you stare at Marta,

I see true love,

something I haven't felt for a
very, very long time until now.

Callie...

Let me tell you guys,
it feels awesome.

L'chaim.

(people cheer)

Nope.

- Stop, stop.
- I got a little thing to say.

Hello, everybody.

(microphone feedback squeals)

I also have a toast
I'd like to give.

I just want to say
I love you, Ed.

I love you, Marta.

But most importantly,

I love these two people
right here,

Ford and Callie.

Callie, come on.
Come on up. Come on.

Now, not everyone knows this,

but the three of us are
actually dating each other.

We are all very much
in love with each other,

mutually.

- And sexually.
- (people gasp)

And we shouldn't have to
hide that, you know?

I love you, Ford.
I love you, Callie.

We can make this work.

Jesus, Noah!

(people exclaim)

All right, put on
the swing music.

Everyone likes swing.
It's coming back.

Dude, what are you doing?

I'm being you.

I'm being fun
and honest and dumb.

Yeah, and telling Ed

the one thing we discussed
not to tell him?

- You're being ridiculous.
- Stop yelling.

I'm not yelling!
You're yelling!

You're both yelling.

Come on.
I'm really disappointed.

Look, if you want
to fire him, I'm sorry,

but I'm not a sexual weirdo.

That's him.
It was his idea.

- Look, look, look...
- That's bullshit!

- Listen...
- I'm sorry, Ed.

I wouldn't fire you

if you would have
told me discreetly.

Plus, this whole
scene tonight? What?

I know you love God
and God is mad at us right now...

Are you firing us?

Look, I like you guys.

I want to give you
two weeks' severance.

You're firing us?

I need to go
make apologies, okay?

(jazz music playing)

ED: (muttering)
A bunch of superfreaks.

I'm not a sexual weirdo, though.

ED: I'm sorry about that.

You doing okay?
I'm sorry, Mama.

So?

(sighs)

It was fun, right?

Hey, what?

Come on, guys.

- It's over.
- No.

Look, you don't have
to break up with us.

Just... just choose.

I'm not gonna choose.

Right now,
you guys are fighting,

but you'll get over it.

I think I should just
let you guys be together.

- No.
- Oh, come on.

We had an awesome time together.

Let's just end it right now,
like this.

Sorry.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

No, come on, Callie.

Stop.
I... it's my fault.

I can fix it.
(sighs)

Shit.

Dude, what is wrong
with you? Grow up.

- You're telling me to grow up?
- Yeah.

I don't care if you read books

or know about art.

You're more of a child
than I am.

(laughs)
You're not even a person.

You're like a stupid
golden retriever

that everyone gives a pass to
because it's a dog

and it's an idiot.

This thing sucks, by the way.

It makes everything taste
like metal.

Wow.

I liked her...

in the first time
in probably ever.

And you ruined that.

You tried to take her from me

right here,
right in front of me.

And you would have done that.

Yeah.

I would have.

Yeah.

So in what way
are you my friend?

(Waitress' "Young in Mind"
playing)

(mellow pop music)

♪ Everyone is wrong

♪ And we just won't
be bothered ♪

♪ As they want us to go along

♪ But we've

♪ Got other plans and hopes
inside us ♪

♪ So we'll keep moving on ♪

♪ 'Cause there is
no other way ♪

♪ We just don't belong

♪ Here where all the words
and thoughts ♪

♪ Seem to lack color

♪ We're still young in mind

♪ We're still young
in mind ♪

Hey, so thanks
for coming to meet me.

Yeah, of course.

I feel pretty stupid
and embarrassed

about the whole wedding thing.

Don't worry about it.

I want to show you something
real quick.

I, uh...

did a little artwork
in the back...

You know the background
of your aging app.

No way. Thank you.

Seriously, it looks awesome.

- Really?
- Yes.

Cool.

But here's the thing.

I'm starting to do
more painting,

and I need a website,

and I am no good at that,

and I was wondering if,
you know,

you could help me out
a little bit.

Yeah.
(laughs)

Of course.
I would love to help you.

All right. Thank you.

And I also have been thinking

that maybe you should just
ask Ed for your job back.

I mean, he's a total softy.

He'll probably give it to you.

And we all just really miss you.

Maybe. I-(sighs)

I don't know.

I think I might just, like,
try setting out on my own

and doing my own thing, 'cause,
you know, screw bills, right?

Like, who needs water and power?

Yes, electricity
is very overrated.

(chuckles)

I do miss you too.

Send me a picture.
Come on.

"I like the new hairdo, Marta.

Now, what are you wearing?"

(chuckles)

"Well, I'm wearing a suit now,

"but I might not be later.

"Oh, my goodness, those?

"Those are my favorite, baby.

I love those socks.
Ooh."

(knocking)

Oh. Uh...

Oh, come in.
Come in.

Hi, Ford.

Ed.

(sighs)

Look...

I wronged you,

and I'm sorry.

I'll do anything
to get my job back.

I'll do weekends.

And overtime.

Okay, I'll babysit
for you and Marta.

- We don't have a kid.
- Yet.

But the way you guys look at each other?
It's only a matter of time.

All right, here's the deal.

Getting fired,

it made me realize
that I care about this job,

probably more than I was
willing to admit.

And when I put my mind to it,
I'm good at what I do.

I may not be a creative genius,

but I know how to get
people's attention.

Plus, I'm one of the only
two guys in the world

who has been practicing
this pitch for weeks.

What about Noah?

He doesn't talk to me anymore.

Okay, so then
if someone clicks here,

then they can get
a link to your paintings.

Okay, I got it.

We're not done.

Do you want to see some of
the stuff I've been working on?

Sure.

So this is
my bad Banksy rip-off

that I made back when
I was young and impressionable.

So, you know,
like two months ago or so.

I mean, it's awesome.
Everything's awesome.

And I'm not just saying that.

And I'm not just saying
that I'm not just saying that.

- Everything I'm saying is...
- So what are you saying?

You're a great... painter.

- You're a great painter.
- Thank you.

No, it's... yeah.

Thank you.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

- (laughs)
- No, no, no, no.

I must say, I still think
Tight is your masterpiece.

Yeah.

(soft music)

Welcome to Buzzed.

We're thrilled
to have you here today.

We're really excited
about this campaign.

You're gonna flip.

So sit back, get comfortable,

and Ford here
is gonna take the lead.

(exhales)
Thanks, Ed.

You guys know the basic idea;

a sprawling, city-wide
scavenger hunt

called the Converse Course.

But then we thought,

"What is the basic essence
of this product?"

Shoes are boring.

Sneakers are iconic.

Converse is the new
rebel American icon,

but it's also more than that.

It bonds together
this generation

with its sports, hip-hop,
and punk rock forefathers.

Youthful idealism and fun.

(sighs)

It's a brand
grounded in friendship.

It's a sneaker of your everyday.

Those multiple meanings...

are what jump-started me
and my partner

when we came up with this.

(clears throat)

You guys are staring
at me like...

okay, um...

MATTHIAS: We had enchiladas
for lunch yesterday, so...

(no audible dialogue)

So scavenger hunts.

As you may not know,

scavenger hunts
were invented by...

Canada.

What's going on?

Ed, I don't know.

I don't know what got into me.
I'm sorry.

Dude, is everything okay? 'Cause you
are blowing it out there, okay?

This is serious, Ford.

Look, I'll be fine.

Just go in there
and buy me some time, please.

(sighs) Fine.
Just a couple minutes, okay?

But in those couple minutes,
whatever you need to do, do it.

All right, man,
I'm counting on you.

So what I was trying to say is,

Converse is more
than just a name.

What I was gonna say is
a lot of stuff about i... icon-

(whispers)
Iconography.

Iconography.

But to be honest, I don't know

what "iconography" means.

And that's why I'm here
to handle all that nonsense.

Great to meet all of you.

Noah Anders,
ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry I'm late.

I was just working on a little
last-minute concept art.

Uh, I think Ford here

has given you a good
introduction to our theme.

Now, the central premise
is this.

The Converse Course
is to be conquered

not by an individual
but by a team of two.

Each partner will
simultaneously take a different

but parallel path
through the city,

following the clues

and communicating with
each other along the way.

And only by combining
those clues

and working together
can they find the treasure.

It's a journey that requires
steady communication

and trust and perseverance.

The only way to find
the pair of golden Converse

is to first be
a pair of friends.

(gentle music)

Heavens to Betsy,
that was incredible.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

I can't decide
which is more glorious;

your nuts or your noggin.

- Oh.
- So are you back for good?

Uh, no, this was just
a one-time thing.

Thank you for calling me.

Probably want to thank you.

Uh, no.

I want to say I'm sorry

about how I acted at the wedding

and what I said.

You're not a golden retriever.

You're a person.

Thanks.

I want to say sorry too,
for trying to steal Callie.

That was probably the shittiest
thing I've ever done.

Look, we got to find a way
to get past this, okay?

So I have an idea, which this
is gonna sound a little crazy,

but just go with me on this one.

I think we should punch each other in
the face as many times as possible.

We just keep going
until someone gives up...

Are you for real?

Yeah.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Right here?
- Yeah, definitely.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay.

Whew.
(laughs)

- You sure?
- Yeah, let's go.

Like, you know,
just like a boom.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I... okay.

Don't want to break those.

Yeah, okay.

Um, good.
On three?

On three.

- So ready?
- Yeah.

- Good?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, um...

Yeah, okay.

One, two, three.

Okay, look, see,
we closed our eyes.

- False start.
- Yeah.

So we'll do it again.

- Eyes open.
- Eyes open.

- On three.
- In the face.

Yup.
And one, two...

- Ooh!
- Shit!

- Ah!
- You hit me!

Ah, that hurts.

I don't know how boxers do this!

(sighs)
You should have her.

What?

Yeah, I don't think
I ever really loved her.

I think I just...
I loved the idea of her.

If she's your one,
you should go for it.

(laughs)

I don't think she was my one.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I want to be
somebody's priority.

You know?

I want someone who's
gonna listen and care,

someone who's gonna be
100% completely into me.

And only me.

No offense.

No, none taken.

She's probably with Emery now.

- Yeah, you think?
- Yeah.

- That guy looked good.
- Yeah, he did.

But we're done with
the punching, right?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

(Christian Carcamo's
"Closer To You" playing)

(light instrumental music)

"Dear Jess,

"I've made an incredible number
of mistakes

"over the past few months.

"But since they've all led up

"to me getting
to know you better,

"I wouldn't take back
a single one of them.

"I don't know
what you're doing today,

"but if you're not busy,

"there are some things
around the city

that might be cool
to check out."

♪ It's how we fall

♪ What if we lose?

♪ Will we get to choose?

"This is where you showed me

"that you knew me
better than I knew myself

"and you gave me
some good advice

that I should have taken
a lot earlier."

♪ What if we run?

♪ I want to feel closer

"This is where you showed me
that you were a loyal friend

even when I didn't have
the courage to be me."

♪ I want to feel closer

♪ Closer to you

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh

"This is where we danced
for the first time."

♪ Wish that I had stayed

♪ What if we lose?

- Hi.
- Hi.

It was strawberry, right?

For the dream date?

Took you long enough.

♪ I want to feel closer

♪ I want to be closer

♪ I want to feel closer

♪ Closer to you

Whew.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I think a part of me misses

designing with you guys
for the masses,

but it's a very small part.

- Very small.
- Yeah.

- This is cooler.
- Yeah.

- Matthias.
- I know this guy.

Matthias, thank you so much
for this whole party.

This is so cool.

It was an honor.

Your art is so stimulating.

(imitates horse neighing)
Down, boy.

Seeing you and Jess
together tonight

gives me... how do you say...
Extreme waves of pleasure.

Maybe don't say it like that.

Oh, have you met Alexandra,

the Nubian princess
running the coat check?

- No.
- I have.

And she has shared with me
a little secret.

She has been lucid-dreaming
since the age of 17.

(clicks tongue)

Tonight we are going
to paint the walls

with all sorts of fluids.

Maybe I will have the art show.

(laughs)

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

I'd like you to meet Sophie,
my girlfriend...

- Hi.
- Whose mother, by the way,

is Annie Leibovitz's

camera assistant.

Yeah, Annie Leibovitz.

That's definitely
a person Ford knows.

Well, you know,
I used to be a fan

of her early portrait era,

but now it's
her post-bankruptcy era

that absolutely has me
mind-blown.

Wha-a-at?

Look at you.

Yeah, maybe sometime
we can all get together

and go to dinner
with my mom and her.

Yeah, that'd be great.

See?
Isn't she just perfect?

Yeah.

Look at you, man.

Everybody here
admiring your work.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, man.

Hey, I hope it's okay
that I came.

Yeah, I... I think
it's great.

I've been wanting to talk
to you guys about something.

- You want us back.
- Both of us?

- We have girlfriends now.
- Sorry, little late.

- It was fun.
- It was fine.

Uh, no, what I wanted
to tell you was

I loved us.

I really did care
about you guys.

And I loved both of you.

But I love you more as friends,

and that wasn't gonna happen
if I was in the picture.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I mean, we did make
a good couple,

us three, right?

Yeah, no, we were...
A throuple, really.

- An adorable throuple.
- Yeah.

Hey, you know, here.
Take our photo.

It'll make the whole story
easier to explain

when you're telling people.

Yeah, all right.

Here's the deal.

In the dating game,

there are so many things
that can go wrong.

We might not be done
making mistakes,

but it finally feels like
we're getting it right.

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh...

Should we go back in coat check

and make out for a minute?

Yeah, probably.

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

Well...

my period of celibacy is over.

(laughter)

Human intercourse
is truly a magnificent act.

Yeah.

It's all yours.

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

I don't know why
I just shook his hand.

Maybe we should just
go back to my place.

Yeah.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ I feel just like
I've been reborn ♪

♪ Can you feel it too?

♪ I know that we have
survived the storm ♪

♪ So what can't we do?

♪ Oh, I believe
in a different perfection now ♪

♪ No white picket fence

♪ Simply saying
that I'm never coming down ♪

♪ We never touch the ground

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Whoa, oh, oh

♪ We never touch the ground

Captioned by Captions, Inc.