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♪♪
2
00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:06,673
Ms. Ruby: The winterat Valley Forge was harsh,
3
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:09,718
and more than 2,000 soldiersdeserted the army.
4
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:12,137
However, the strong leadershipof George Washington
5
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,639
held the army together.
6
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,015
All lies.
7
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,352
Washington grew pot, and while
the soldiers were fighting,
8
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:22,272
him and Betsy Ross were off
behind the flag getting baked.
9
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,483
Shh! They can hear you.
We're in class.
10
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:27,069
Mark, stop bothering me
and focus on your teacher.
11
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:28,862
Education's important,
lad.
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,405
One of the most significantevents at Valley Forge
13
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:34,409
was the arrival ofFrederick Wilhelm von Steuben.
14
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,703
Is that blonde boy Henry?
The one you think is cute?
15
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,080
[ Keys clacking ]
16
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,748
Thanks for that.
17
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:42,709
I wasn't muted, so I guess
the next move is Henry's.
18
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,379
If Harris comes down, don't let
her come in the kitchen.
19
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,673
Ben and I are working on
a surprise for her birthday.
20
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:48,966
Oh, I have a surprise, too.
21
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,551
I didn't know
it was her birthday.
22
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,053
Well, I tried to give you
a heads up last night.
23
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,721
Where were you,
on another date?
24
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,390
Yeah,
and I should have known
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,016
if he was wearing a mask
in his profile picture,
26
00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,393
he was hiding something ‐‐
27
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,353
a giant nose ring.
28
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,397
He said that's where
you attach the leash.
29
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,110
Seems to me maybe you could
hang onto one that way.
30
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,737
I know my education doesn't mean
anything to any of you,
31
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,239
but I'd like to be
the first person
32
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,533
to make it out of this house
by 40.
33
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:16,827
It's not about getting out.
34
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,453
It's about staying out.
35
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,541
Oh, you're right.
36
00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:25,961
It's fun decorating a birthday
cake Harris is gonna hate.
37
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:30,549
[ Chuckles ] "To our rainbow
unicorn magic princess."
38
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:34,344
[ Laughs ]
That is pure evil.
39
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,764
I love you so much
right now.
40
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,182
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
41
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,310
Why are my parents
calling me?
42
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,228
They're supposed to be
having fun in Florida.
43
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,314
[ Buzzing continues ]
44
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:46,273
[ Groans ]
45
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,067
Hi, Mom.
46
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,902
Barb: Hi, Ben.It's your mom.
47
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,613
Yes. I know.
[ Chuckles ]
48
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,991
That's why I said,
"Hi, Mom."
49
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:59,453
Uh...
I'm only seeing your ear.
50
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:02,080
Hold the phone out
so I can see your face.
51
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,083
[ Sighs ]
There you go.
52
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:08,128
Ben, your father's dead.
53
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,672
What?
54
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,425
He was playing golfon the 14th hole
55
00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,344
and he got intothe golf cart,
56
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:17,596
and his friends saidhe just collapsed.
57
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,723
And he was under par.
58
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,019
Alright, um...
59
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:26,605
Okay, I'll ‐‐ I'll get there
as soon as I can.
60
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,148
I'll book a flight
when we hang up.
61
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,901
Oh, why, sweetie?He's already dead.
62
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,611
Listen, I've got to getoff the phone.
63
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:35,197
I have a lot of arrangementsto make.
64
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:38,116
O‐Okay. Bye, Mom.
65
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,160
Just call me
if you need me.
66
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,539
[ Sighs ]
Ben, I am so sorry.
67
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,541
Are you okay?
68
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:50,420
I don't know. Um...
69
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:55,342
I mean, we weren't close, but
he was still my dad, you know?
70
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,720
Oh, of course.
I'm sure it's still hard.
71
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:03,892
I thought we'd have more time to
work through some of our stuff.
72
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,686
Yeah,
I know what you mean.
73
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,563
It's like you're always waiting
for that right moment,
74
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,149
and then suddenly,
there can never be one.
75
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,818
[ Chuckles ]
76
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:17,072
He was always so mad at me
for something.
77
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:20,617
I just felt like I was
a disappointment to him.
78
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:23,537
Oh. Yeah, but I‐I'm sure
at some point,
79
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,831
he stopped expecting
to be proud of you.
80
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:31,044
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at comforting.
81
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,751
♪♪
82
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,837
Thanks again for babysitting,
Emilio.
83
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,047
I'm not babysitting.
I'm her dad.
84
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,507
But if you want to give me
20 bucks,
85
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:18,758
I'm not too proud to take it.
86
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,136
And I'm broke enough
to say no.
87
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,181
That's okay.
88
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,600
It's worth it just to look at
how cute she is when she sleeps.
89
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,311
Don't fall for it.
It's a trick.
90
00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,772
That's how they get you
to love them.
91
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,024
How's Ben doing?
92
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,568
Uh, as good
as can be expected.
93
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,195
His mom is coming
to visit tomorrow.
94
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,238
I don't know
where we're gonna put her.
95
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:42,574
Time to gussy up
the chicken coop.
96
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:45,911
So, you're home early.
97
00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:46,787
How was your date?
98
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,330
It was a nightmare.
99
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,332
Another bad one, huh?
[ Scoffs ]
100
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,209
This guy
was a nervous wreck.
101
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,835
He sat across from me
at the table
102
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,504
and kept pulling out
a temperature gun
103
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,546
and shooting it at me.
104
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,006
"Beep.
105
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,883
97.1.
106
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,635
Okay. Okay.
Let's order."
107
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,429
Five minutes later.
"Beep.
108
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,431
Oh, boy. 98.6.
109
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:09,100
I gotta go.
Can you cover the drinks?"
110
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,187
Well,
my last date was bad, too.
111
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:15,273
I asked her if she wanted to go
to a dinner or a drive‐in movie.
112
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:16,858
She said she wanted to go
from store to store
113
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,276
looking
for disinfecting wipes.
114
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,237
[ Laughs ]
115
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,488
Oh.
116
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,697
[ Crowd cheeringon television ]
117
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,241
Well...
118
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,742
I better get going.
119
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,702
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
120
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:28,954
No, stay.
121
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,997
Finish watching
the basketball game.
122
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,624
Really?
Yeah.
123
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:34,584
Scoot over.
Make some room.
124
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,837
I'll go get some popcorn, and
we'll watch the game together.
125
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,047
[ Chuckles ] Great.
126
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:44,636
You know, people said our green
card marriage wouldn't work,
127
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,055
but I like talking about
bad dates with my husband.
128
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:53,061
Hey,
Magic Unicorn Princess!
129
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,689
Happy birthday!
130
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,524
How's the cake?
131
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,443
I wouldn't be eating it if there
was anything else in the house.
132
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,029
They ran out of frosting,
so one layer is just saltines.
133
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,156
It does add a nice crunch
where you don't expect it.
134
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,827
I'm gonna grab
some microwave popcorn.
135
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,162
We don't have any.
Let's see what Betty Crocker says.
136
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,833
Oh, my God.
137
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,418
We have secret
microwave popcorn?
138
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,920
You don't. I do.
139
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,005
This is for me and Emilio.
140
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,340
Hmm.
He's staying?
141
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,175
You usually boot him out
as soon as you get home.
142
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,177
Not tonight.
143
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,637
We're hanging out
and watching the game.
144
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,557
Huh. Watching a game.
145
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,309
Okay.
146
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,519
Take your bra off in here.
Saves time.
147
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,104
Unless you like
to watch them struggle.
148
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,564
Sometimes that's good
for a laugh.
149
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,648
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
150
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,859
That's not what's going on.
Really?
151
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,777
He's dating, I'm dating.
152
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,237
He's totally moved on.
153
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,573
Here's a tip, kid.
154
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,700
There's a bag
of beef jerky
155
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,827
taped to the back
of the toilet tank.
156
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,913
That's disgusting.
157
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,415
Upstairs or down?
158
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,835
Upstairs is sweet,
downstairs is savory.
159
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,755
[ Beverly Rose fussing ]
160
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,299
It's okay. It's okay.
161
00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:07,469
Mommy will be right back.
162
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,553
She's making popcorn
for us.
163
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,099
I think Mommy's
finally into Daddy.
164
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,727
[ Beverly Rose grunts ]
I know.
165
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,521
When I heard it,
I almost pooped myself, too.
166
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:24,277
♪♪
167
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,695
I should stop.
168
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:29,532
Whatever this stain is, it's
holding the fabric together.
169
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,534
Darlene, relax.
170
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,078
You don't have to
impress my mom.
171
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,289
Oh, and I told her
that we're only living here
172
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,249
until the escrow closes
on our giant new house
173
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:39,626
that we got
from all the money we made
174
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,086
from our successful magazine.
175
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,630
Wow. We're having a way better
life than I thought we were.
176
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,215
[ Laughing ] I just ‐‐
177
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,716
I don't want to have to hear
her criticism.
178
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,094
Oh, yes, don't touch her.
179
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,345
She's an ice queen.
180
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,846
You know how in
"A Christmas Story,"
181
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,140
the kid gets his tongue stuck
to the freezing pole?
182
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,266
It'll be like that.
183
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,560
So don't put my tongue on her,
got it.
184
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,937
Mm‐hmm.
185
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,480
[ Knock on door ]
186
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,863
Mom.
187
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:11,991
I'm really glad
you're here.
188
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:16,996
This is the house where you're
staying while the escrow closes.
189
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,165
You know, they bust into
houses like this
190
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,543
on that program "Cops."
191
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,794
Mom,
it's so good to see ‐‐
192
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,129
[ Laughs ]
Oh, it's okay. Don't.
193
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,172
Uh,
I've been vaccinated,
194
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,176
but the plane was filthy even
though I was in first class,
195
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,303
which is way better
than coach.
196
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,556
Your father
would never spend the money,
197
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:36,224
but on the way
to the airport,
198
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,768
I saw a billboard that said,
"Just do it."
199
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:42,689
And I decided that was your
father's way of telling me,
200
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,233
"I'm cheap and I'm dead.
Fly first class."
201
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,237
Oh, well, we have those
billboards all over town.
202
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,572
The last time I saw
"Just Do It,"
203
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,657
I pulled over,
and I got a burrito.
204
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:55,285
But it was a big one,
so it's kind of the same thing.
205
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,411
[ Chuckles ]
206
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,580
Who's she?
207
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,499
You know who she is.
I've sent you pictures.
208
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,251
This is Darlene.
209
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:06,504
Oh. You're just a little
itty‐bitty thing.
210
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,922
Mom.
211
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,924
Uh, no, it's okay.
I'm used to it.
212
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,761
Grown‐ups try to hold my hand
at crosswalks all the time.
213
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:17,223
Listen, I am so sorry
about your husband.
214
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,892
You don't have to feel bad
for me.
215
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:19,934
Or for my husband.
216
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,020
He had a good, full life.
217
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,105
Of course,
he wanted grandkids,
218
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,983
but that didn't happen
for a variety of reasons.
219
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,693
I'm not pointing fingers.
220
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,113
Dropping this off.
221
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,990
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.
222
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,408
Oh, no, Jackie.
It's fine.
223
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,994
Mom, this is Darlene's aunt,
Jackie.
224
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,163
Well, she's normal‐sized.
225
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,165
Maybe you didn't
get enough sunlight.
226
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,291
Uh. [ Chuckles ]
227
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,335
I'm so sorry
for your loss,
228
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,378
or if you're relieved,
I'm happy for your freedom.
229
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,546
I've seen both.
230
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,881
[ Laughs ]
231
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,382
I'm somewhere
in the middle.
232
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,884
Yeah.
233
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,886
Well, if you wouldn't mind
dropping that off for Harris?
234
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,179
The restaurant's
got me hopping.
235
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:58,348
It's cold.
People want stew.
236
00:09:58,348 --> 00:09:59,766
Stew?
237
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,309
Yeah.
I own The Lunch Box.
238
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,311
Lanford's
only stew restaurant.
239
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,395
Ah.
240
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,731
Well, I guess if people
want hobo food,
241
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,733
they have to have a place
to get it.
242
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:12,153
You remind me of somebody.
243
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,404
[ Laughs ]
244
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,491
If you told me
I'll never amount to anything,
245
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:19,702
it would be
downright eerie.
246
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,162
Oh, listen,
247
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:25,291
you must be exhausted
from all that alienating. Okay.
248
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,336
Why don't you sit and I'll get
you a cup of tea, huh?
249
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,088
Darlene,
can you join me?
250
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,965
Darlene...
251
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,301
while you're in there, try
to talk him out of the beard.
252
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,137
It makes him look
like a Bolshevik.
253
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,890
[ Sniffs ]
254
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,143
This couch smells.
255
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,269
Darlene: Thank you!
256
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,817
Holy crap. I thought you were
exaggerating for effect.
257
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,819
If anything,
you downplayed her.
258
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:53,903
Yeah. Here.
I gotta go.
259
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,156
What? Don't you dare
leave me alone with her.
260
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,574
It's the hardware store.
261
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,700
What about
the hardware store?
262
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,451
I have jury duty.
263
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,911
Look, I get it, you don't want
to be around your mom,
264
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,288
but you know what?
265
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,081
She's your mom, not mine,
so get your ass in there.
266
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,416
No. Look.
267
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:09,294
I am still processing
all of this, okay?
268
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:13,339
And not surprisingly, my mom is
not gonna be a lot of comfort.
269
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,091
So, I'm gonna drive
by our old house
270
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,260
and try to drudge up
some good memories.
271
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,179
Here.
Just get a few glasses in her.
272
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,471
She's actually fun
if she's been drinking.
273
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,016
Really?
No. Stop making me lie.
274
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,604
Are you sure you're gonna be
okay if I leave early?
275
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,105
Becky and I
are having movie night.
276
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,566
Oh, wow. Look at you,
277
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:35,028
having specially named nights
with Becky at the house.
278
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,696
What's all that about, huh?
279
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,073
We're hanging out
with the baby.
280
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,825
Last night
we had a nice time watching TV.
281
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,161
"Nice time." Gotcha.
282
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,830
So, uh...
what did you do last night?
283
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,916
We made some pizza rolls.
284
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,334
Okay, okay.
285
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,127
"Pizza rolls." Yeah.
286
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,296
Did you both reach for one
at the same time
287
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,841
'cause you were just both
so "hungry"?
288
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:59,052
Why are you making
everything dirty?
289
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,012
Because you kids
belong together
290
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,014
and you're finally taking this
to the next level.
291
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,515
I think so, too.
292
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,559
Well, then,
you need to make a move, man.
293
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,520
Well, what kind of moves
are you talking about?
294
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,190
Well, next time,
you watch something scary
295
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:16,402
so then maybe she'll take your
hand or cuddle up next to you.
296
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,904
Ahhh.
Ah.
297
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,572
There's this documentary out
298
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,825
about a daughter
who brutally murders her mother.
299
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,827
Uh, well, no,
maybe not that one.
300
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,455
That's more
of a "feel good" thing.
301
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,874
♪♪
302
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,960
...and, you know,
when Ben was three,
303
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,171
he used to go everywhere
in his little Batman mask.
304
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,966
But that was all, because
he hated to wear clothes.
305
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,550
It didn't matter where.
306
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:43,513
He'd strip down in banks,
supermarkets, church.
307
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,056
[ Chuckles ]
He always looked like
308
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:48,351
a tiny,
naked Mexican wrestler.
309
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:51,271
[ Laughs ]
Well, he hasn't outgrown that.
310
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,064
The second we're alone
in the house,
311
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:56,567
the clothes come off and it's
[deep voice] "I'm Batman."
312
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,278
[ Laughs ]
313
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,613
You know,
you are so easy to talk to.
314
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,408
I understand
why Ben's never been happier.
315
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,410
[ Normal voice ] Oh.
Same here.
316
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,537
Well,
that's how it should be.
317
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,748
I always wished Ben's dad
had been a little more fun.
318
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:13,042
Oh, here's something
that I kept from ‐‐
319
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,794
No, I can't talk about that.
[ Laughs ]
320
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,339
Oh. Well, you've known me
for several hours.
321
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:19,340
You can tell me anything.
[ Laughs ]
322
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,259
Okay.
323
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:25,263
I once sent sexy e‐mails
to my first boyfriend
324
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,473
through
the Classmates website.
325
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,808
Oh.
326
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,143
Well, we've all got stuff.
327
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,602
One time
I had a few drinks,
328
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:35,148
and I sent a sexy e‐mail
to Barack Obama. [ Laughs ]
329
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,483
Next thing I know,
there's two guys in black suits
330
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,860
with earpieces
at my door.
331
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:43,406
[ Laughs ] Well, I went
to the mall and tried on Spanx,
332
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:46,367
and then breezed past
the security guard
333
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,703
looking
three pounds lighter.
334
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:51,039
[ Both laugh ]
335
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,791
Oh, and Ben's dad
isn't his real father.
336
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,127
What?
337
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,589
I had a fling.
338
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,132
Ben doesn't know about it,
339
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:04,761
and Nate was humiliated,
so I promised not to tell.
340
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,637
Well, there's no point
in going on.
341
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,555
I think you won.
342
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,265
[ Laughs ]
343
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,272
I just want to check
if the coast is clear.
344
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,524
Is Bizarro Bev
still in the house?
345
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,026
No.
346
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,945
She went on a walk
after casually mentioning
347
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,865
that Ben's dad
is not his real dad
348
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:26,908
and Ben doesn't know.
349
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,701
Oh, wow.
350
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,952
That's a good one.
351
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,162
Well, good luck with that.
352
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,874
Come on, Jackie.
353
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,127
Look, I feel like Ben
deserves to know
354
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,838
the real reason
that his father was so distant,
355
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,548
but finding out now
356
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,926
that both his parents
lied to him his entire life
357
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,844
could screw him up even worse.
[ Sighs ]
358
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,054
What am I
supposed to do?
359
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,472
Make her tell him.
360
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:52,475
She's the one who was sleeping
around, the Easy Ethel.
361
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,311
You know what?
I'm not gonna tell him.
362
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,437
If she doesn't want
to deal with it,
363
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,397
maybe it's better
that he just doesn't know.
364
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,108
He's already come to terms
with the fact
365
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,359
that his father
was distant.
366
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,612
Yeah. Sometimes the truth
only makes things harder.
367
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,531
You remember
how devastated I was
368
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:09,283
when I found out
that my mother was...you know
369
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,911
[voice catches]
actually my real mother.
370
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,497
[ Suspenseful music playson television ]
371
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,291
This documentary's
freaking me out.
372
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,001
It's scary, isn't it?
Ooh.
373
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,795
Listen to the music.
374
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,755
They're definitely gonna find
the mom's body in here.
375
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,007
It's body‐finding music.
376
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,884
Oh, oh.
377
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,845
Don't open the freezer!
378
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:31,055
Oh, my ‐‐ [ Gasps ]
379
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,391
[ Music continues ]
380
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,600
What are you doing?
381
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,854
I thought
maybe you wanted me to.
382
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,605
Why would you think that?
383
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:43,442
Because we were spending
more time together.
384
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,569
And we were having
so much fun
385
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,155
watching those kids
murder their parents.
386
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,990
I just thought...
387
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:51,576
maybe you were starting to look
at me in a different way.
388
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:54,328
Oh. No.
389
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,664
I'm happy that we're sharing
our crazy crap
390
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,708
that we're going through,
but...
391
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,959
you're dating.
392
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,252
I thought you moved on.
393
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:02,670
This isn't a date.
394
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,088
Why not?
395
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,716
We have such a good time
together.
396
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,718
A‐A‐And you're not meeting
anybody great,
397
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,219
and I'm not meeting
anybody great.
398
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,763
We're married,
we have a baby together.
399
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:14,515
We should be dating.
400
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:17,560
I like hanging out with you
as a friend.
401
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,478
Maybe I'm selfish.
402
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,273
I'm sorry if I'm sending
the wrong signals.
403
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,774
I don't want to be
a friend.
404
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:27,361
Okay, then think of me as ‐‐
as a sister.
405
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:30,573
A sister...
that you had a baby with.
406
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,952
I think I should go.
No, you don't have to go.
407
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,038
Yeah, I do.
408
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:42,168
And just so you know,
once I go back to dating,
409
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,544
I'm gonna be
snapped up quick.
410
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,671
Married, undocumented,
short‐order cooks
411
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,299
do not grow on trees.
412
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,301
Yeah, you think
I'm the only desperate,
413
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:53,054
middle‐aged alcoholic out there
that would find you attractive?
414
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,723
This is Lanford.
415
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,851
You can't swing a handle of
vodka without hitting one of us.
416
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,395
[ Chuckles ]
417
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:02,688
I'll see you tomorrow.
418
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,233
[ Door opens ]
419
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,777
♪♪
420
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,946
Hey.
I didn't hear you come in.
421
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,448
Uh, your mom's probably
on her way back from her walk.
422
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,658
I think if we're quiet,
423
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,826
we can hear the cloven hooves
on the sidewalk.
424
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:17,203
[ Can opens ]
425
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,539
She's not taking a walk.
She's heading back to Florida.
426
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,500
What?
Yep.
427
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,835
But true to her half‐assed
parenting style,
428
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:28,506
she left a note
saying that she told you
429
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:32,176
some very important
and upsetting news,
430
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,304
and that since the cat's out of
the bag, she had to leave.
431
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,515
So...go.
432
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,559
[ Sighs ]
433
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,858
Okay. Here it is.
434
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,321
You were born in prison.
You're a prison baby.
435
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:57,493
What?
My mom was in prison? Why?
436
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,829
She jacked a car.
She's a car jacker.
437
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,163
[ Door opens ]
438
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,125
Mom.
439
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,960
I'm sorry.
I‐I shouldn't have left.
440
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,587
I want you to know
I feel terrible.
441
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,463
Oh, boy.
442
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,425
Look,
it was a long time ago.
443
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,595
You were desperate
and needed money probably.
444
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:19,599
No. I did not charge him a cent,
and I was not desperate.
445
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,851
I was young,
I was beautiful,
446
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,686
and he had a couple
of eight balls
447
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:25,521
and the first Boston album.
448
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,069
W‐What
are you talking about?
449
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,030
Well,
that's when I got pregnant.
450
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,741
I should've told you
Nate wasn't your real father
451
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,326
a long time ago.
452
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,454
Oh, my God.
Nate's not his father?
453
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,497
This is terrible news
454
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,291
after learning that
your mom's a coke head
455
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,542
and you were born
in prison.
456
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,169
This is too much for one day.
You know what?
457
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,920
You should leave
or I should leave,
458
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,714
because one of us
is gonna pass out.
459
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,385
So, wait.
Dad wasn't my father?
460
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,596
[ Scoffs ]
Didn't Darlene tell you?
461
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:01,349
I got pregnant
by another man
462
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:04,018
and Nate agreed
to raise you as his own.
463
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,186
So Nate knew?
464
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,066
So,
who is my real father?
465
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,234
He died a long time ago.
466
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,737
I‐I came back
because I knew
467
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,198
you would have a lot of
questions that needed answering
468
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:19,116
if you were going to move on
from this.
469
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,618
I do.
470
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,787
What was
my real dad's name?
471
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:26,332
Richard something.
Oh.
472
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,543
Where was he from?
What did he like?
473
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,212
Uh, what did he do
for a living?
474
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:34,298
Look, all I know
is he lived someplace cold
475
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:38,094
because he had
a heavy jacket.
476
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,429
So, all you know
about my real dad
477
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,431
is that
he had a heavy jacket?
478
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,308
It was one night.
479
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,436
What's important
is that you understand
480
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,814
that Nate found out
I cheated on him
481
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:53,734
and he was mad at me,
but he took it out on you.
482
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,111
I'm sorry.
483
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:58,614
Y‐Y‐‐ Do you have any idea
how much this screwed me up?
484
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:01,367
You let me go my whole life
thinking that my dad hated me,
485
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,744
that I was some kind of
huge disappointment to him.
486
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:06,163
Well, now,
it was not your whole life.
487
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,623
You're not dead yet.
488
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:11,877
If your life continues exactly
as it is from this point on,
489
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,213
then we will all know
it was not my fault.
490
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,966
Okay, I've got to go.
My cab is here.
491
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,300
Love ya, Mom.
492
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,178
Thank you.
We don't say it enough.
493
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,185
Well, at least now
I kinda understand
494
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:29,895
why my dad
treated me like crap.
495
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,772
Every time he looked at me,
496
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:35,192
he saw some jackass my mom
banged and hated me for it.
497
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,736
Man,
you were only a kid.
498
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,654
He should have never
taken it out on you.
499
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,907
I mean, I treat Darlene
like she's my own.
500
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,411
If only.
501
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,205
Alright. We're here
to say goodbye to Nate.
502
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:52,626
Dad, thanks for always
putting food on the table,
503
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,670
and thanks for at least
never calling me a bastard.
504
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,130
Mm.
505
00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:57,715
To Nate.
[ Bottles clink ]
506
00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,592
And...
507
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,635
to dead Richard
with the heavy coat.
508
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,221
One day,
I'll figure out who you were.
509
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,349
To dead Richard
with the heavy coat.
510
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,726
Clink.
[ Bottles clink ]
511
00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:11,103
There is one saving grace.
512
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,189
I've got a family here.
513
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:17,067
[ Laughs ] Thank you, boy,
but you ain't family yet.
514
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:21,739
You grab Miss Darlene‐Sue here
and make of her an honest woman,
515
00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:24,450
and I'll be your Pappy,
teach you how to run hooch.
516
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:26,494
[ Laughs ]
517
00:21:26,544 --> 00:21:31,094
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