Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[Mrs. Helperman] Well, good golly gosh, they're not here, either.

Oh, for the love of apples and corn, Leonard,

how could you lose your gym shorts?

-I don't know. -Today is the vip fitooty.

You don't want to miss the vip fitooty.

No, I don't want to miss the vip fitooty.

I love the vip fitooty.

Ohh!

Oh, I hate the vip fitooty.

Excuse me, but are you going to tell me

what this rooti shibooti means,

or are you going to just keep torturing me here?

It's vip fitooty --

the vice president's fitness test of the year.

It's a stupid thing where they make you climb ropes

and run around on a big obstacle course.

It's strictly for jocks...

Ooh, a triple salchow with a fosbury flop.

And unnaturally talented dogs.

Morning, Lenny.

Any luck finding the gym shorts

you lost on purpose?

Come on. I didn't lose my shorts on purpose.

I must have just misplaced them somewhere.

Found 'em!

They were crammed into a coffee can

in the back of the freezer.

Hey, Mr. Jolly,

fat in a fur suit, come out.

The coast is clear.

The news is on.

[dramatic music plays]

Where are you, Jolly?

Jolly!

Mr. Jolly.

Jolly?

And in other news, the East Westland cat burglar

has struck again.

Cat burglar! Mr. Jolly's been burgled!

Who would steal a poor cat? Who would want that hairball?

It doesn't matter. He's gone.

I've got to get help. I've got to get Leonard and Spot.

[toilet flushes]

[sighs]

There are few pleasures so underestimated.

Don't you agree, Pretty Boy?

Pretty Boy?

Pretty Boy!

Pretty!

Pret?

Pretty Boy?

Where is he? Why isn't he here to watch TV?

Oh, no! What if the cat got him?

Oh, that's me.

Aah!

I've got to get help!

I've got to get Leonard and Spot.

Ooh! Aah! Outside's bad!

Must overcome fears.

[children talking]

This is one heck of a school. Where's all the darn kids?

[bell rings]

Aah!

Oh. There they are.

Today you will be pushed

to the very limit of human endurance

as you punish your bodies

in the pursuit of athletic excellence,

because never forget, a fit body

is the sign of a fit mind.

Uh... um...

Fit mind-- fit mind --

fit body a sign of--

I've lost my place.

Lost your cat, too, dude.

Aah! My poor Tallulah!

You're in charge till I get back.

Okay, P.B., that was a momentary setback.

Got to find Leonard so we can save Mr. Jolly.

It's about the cat, all about the-- cat!

I didn't know they were serving canary

for lunch today.

Just so you know before you eat me,

I was recently diagnosed with salmonella.

Time to say goodbye.

Hello?

Leonard?

He's obviously not here in this empty, scary hallway,

so I'll just skedaddle on home,

which I promise I will never leave again.

Okay, now, um,

"students must climb the giant rope

using wrist-over-hand action

combined with vertically directed knee shinnying."

I wonder what that is.

Like this?

Ha ha ha!

Very good, Scott.

I'm blowing this pop stand before I get myself --

[Leonard] Got to make it to the top.

Go for the gold!

Leonard!

Leonard!

Sweetie, if you want to climb the rope

I'm pretty sure first you have to touch the rope.

Come on, son. You can do it.

Great start. Fantastic start.

What a way to begin. That's just --

I'll stop embarrassing you now.

Oh, great-- a dark, enclosed space.

Okay, I can do it. I can do it.

[panting]

I can do it.

I can do it.

[all] I can do it.

I did it.

Lenny, baby!

Aah!

Leonard!

Aah!

Victory was in your grasp, and you let it go.

Why, man, why?

Pretty Boy, Mr. Jolly --

they're up there, up in the ceiling.

Oh, the ceiling.

I see.

The kid must have fell on his head.

Oh, no. He's leaving.

He doesn't realize Mr. Jolly's been kidnapped.

Spot, Leonard, wait.

Pretty boy, he's missing.

Wait, wait!

Aah!

Jolly, I thought you were missing.

I thought you were missing.

I left because you got kidnapped.

No, not kidnapped, catnapped.

I was asleep. That's what cats do.

We nap.

I'll nap you, you little hairy puff bag.

You know what you've put me through?

I almost got eaten thanks to you!

Well, oh, yeah?

Well, my nerves are all a-jangle

from being out in this awful, scary world

trying to find you.

Wait. I found you. You're here. We're together.

And we're safe, and we're...

About to get eaten by a lion!

Be still, my heart.

It is she. Oh, what shall I say?

I've dreamed of this moment a thousand times,

and now she's here.

Now is my chance to finally stand before her

like a man

and say --

Ow! You hurt me!

Come on, Lenny,

you can do this obstacle course.

Hey, maybe you're right.

I am getting through it faster than you.

Actually, I'm lapping you for the second time.

I should have put my gym shorts in the fireplace.

Tallulah, where are you?

Ow, ow, ow.

Your claws are like

little tiny meat hooks in my back.

Cut me some slack.

I'm a bird, and I'm freaking out here.

Ooh, this looks like an exit.

Or a dead end.

Hello, birdy.

Tallulah's back in town.

-[yowls] -Help me, Jolly!

Yes. Yes, I will.

Nobody terrorizes my best friend like that.

Hey, you, cat.

Yes?

I can't do it.

Her beauty bewitches me so.

I can't find the words.

How about these words -- "don't eat my friend"?

Oh, dear, I am so very, very afraid.

No, you're not. You're brave.

You fought your fears, you left home

and came all the way to this madhouse

because you believed you could help me,

so help me!

You're right. I am brave.

Not brave enough to talk to my lady love,

but I can talk to someone else.

Get up those tires.

Forget it, Scott. I just can't do it.

[amplifier feedback]

Uh, um, attention all students,

uh, would Leonard Helperman and Scott Leadready

report to the principal's office...

Please?

Immediately!

Pretty boy and Mr. Jolly are here!

We have to save them.

Wrong. You have to save them.

Oh, charley horse.

[Mr. Jolly] Hello. Little help, please.

You have to do it, Leonard, and I know you can.

Get in there and save those pets.

I will!

Hang on, guys. Here I come.

Tallulah, dearest,

where are you?

Huh?

Ugh. Cats and breath mints don't mix much, do they?

You leave my bird alone.

Tallulah, there you are.

Oh, my poor Tallulah.

Clearly you got locked in here

and were brought to the brink of madness

by starvation.

And Leonard, you ran all the way here to save her.

How did you know?

Let's just say I have a sixth sense

about pets in danger.

Thank you, Leonard Helperman.

I'll never forget you for this.

But touch my darling baby again,

and you'll be suspended for a month.

Oh, you're so cute. Oh.

[cat shrieks]

[Strickler] Ow! That was my face, dear.

Oh, Leonard, honey, I am so proud of you.

You had the fastest obstacle course time

in school history.

Thanks, Mom, but I didn't do it alone.

It helps to have friends who believe in you.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Thanks for faking that charley horse.

It was just the motivation I needed.

Ah, 'twas nothing.

I knew that faking an injury

would give you-- ow!

Because I knew-- ooh!

I'm all right. Ow!

Will you close already?

Thank you.

Ow!

Yes! 100 percent!

Ah, I love it when studying pays off.

How'd you do, Scott?

Uh, 107, but that's just

because that extra-credit question was so easy.

Sorry, Leonard.

Guess I just need a challenge

that goes beyond simple classroom mathematics.

Looky! I made my socks into a Dolly.

I love you, Dolly. Do you love me?

Ah, youth. Remember when you used to think

your toys had feelings?

Yeah, but that was before I learned my pets could talk.

[bell rings]

Dolly!

[children cheer]

Uh oh. 5th grade recess.

Watch out, little sockless girl.

Tyler, you're playground monitor.

Do something.

Duh, dude. I'm reading.

Hang on, miss. I'll save you.

Dolly!

[children cheering]

Ohh!

Wow, Scott.

Are you okay?

Yes. Just ignore

the multiple footprints on my back.

But you --

you call yourself a safety monitor?

You're a disgrace

to the whole safety monitor corps.

Now, if I were wearing the belt of orange and steel,

I'd make sure this playground

was safer than lima beans on pizza day.

Thank you.

Thank you for sending me this boy.

Playground monitor leadready,

I want you out on the playground

five minutes before first recess tomorrow.

Yes, sir, and thank you, sir.

I promise I'll do my best

to make our playground

a model of decorum and tranquility.

Fine, fine. Just be sure you have this book

memorized by tomorrow.

Shoelaces, Yung Hi.

Let's get those suckers tied before you trip.

Nice quintuple knot, and you're all set to go.

Thanks, Scott. You saved my life.

Ah, just doing my job, friend.

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh,

careful there, young fellow.

Rule number 117-G--

"the standing on of swings presents a serious threat

to the well-being of the playground-goer."

You could fall and hit your head.

Boys, boys, you could really hurt someone

if you hit them with this.

Duh. We're supposed to hit people, Scott.

We're, like, playing dodge ball.

Dodge ball is fine and dandy...

As long as it's safe and sound.

Ahem. Now, class,

we have a specialrific treat

before we go outside for recess today.

Playground monitor Scott Leadready

has prepared a safety film for us to watch.

[Scott] Meet Mickey know-nothing,

a dense young lad.

It's a sunny day in Playgroundville,

and the rest of the boys and girls know

the playground equipment is boiling hot.

But that doesn't stop our foolish friend.

Ha ha. I think I'll swing on the monkey bars.

[Scott] Ooh, that's got to hurt.

Those bars are so hot

that Mickey can't even hold onto them.

Ow! My hands!

So little Mickey falls off the bars,

breaking both his arms and legs.

This forces

the poor, misunderstood playground monitor

to write up Mickey know-nothing for 20 violations

of playground conduct.

Sorry, kid. What a tragedy.

If only Mickey had been

like Billy Bright-Idea

and worn his safety gear.

[sizzles]

I'm going to read a book.

Whoopee!

It's fun to be safe.

Now that's the safe way to play.

Ah, now this is what I call a playground.

Have fun, everybody.

Scott, be reasonable.

This is recess.

From the very first day of kindergarten,

every kid looks forward to having fun at recess,

and you've ruined it for everybody.

Yeah! You tell him, Helperdude.

That's so true!

Leonard, everyone, don't you understand?

I'm keeping the playground safe for you.

[faking other voices] Yeah, you tell 'em, Scott.

That's right. Scott's right.

Yes, we love Scott.

Uh...

Uh...

Ha ha ha.

Besides, rules are rules.

Even if the rules are dumb?

Come on. Some of the stuff you're enforcing

doesn't have anything to do with safety.

Big whoop. I'm walking on a crack in the blacktop.

[gasps]

Ooh!

Oh, look at me. I'm jumping onto the monkey bars

in the middle.

I'm skipping a step!

You fool!

You'll kill us all!

I'm picking up a kick ball without bending my knees.

You've given me no other choice.

[all] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

I'm writing you up on report.

You can't scare me with your demerits.

[children gasp]

Then you leave me with even less choice

than I had when I said I had no other choice.

I'm taking this to the highest,

most powerful authority

known to the 4th grade--

student council court.

All rise!

Student council court is now in session,

the honorable class president Ian Wazaloseky presiding.

Thank you.

Leonard Helperman

is accused of flagrantly violating

the playground code of conduct.

Scott Leadready,

begin your persecution.

Your honor,

ladies and gentlemen of the student council court,

fellow students, cafeteria staff,

and kindergartners, I'll be brief.

As you know,

a plague of disobedience

is sweeping this great playground...

These are the facts that prove he is guilty.

Nothing matters but the facts...

Time dissipates to shining ether

the solid angularity of facts...

[hoarsely] So, let us all have the courage

to uphold these principles.

The fate of the free world hangs in the balance.

I thank you.

[snoring]

Uh, Ian?

Oh, you're finished?

Well, good.

Leonard Helperman,

I find you guilty,

guilty,

guilty!

Hey, wait a second. I didn't get my turn to --

I hereby sentence you

to be dragged onto the playground

by your toes

and tied to the monkey bars,

where we will then cover you with grape jelly

and red ants!

Uh, I hate to burst your bubble...

Too late!

As much as I agree that Leonard is guilty,

I can't let you perform that punishment

on my playground. It's not safe at all.

Don't tell me what I can and cannot do,

for I have got the powdered wig,

and that means what I say goes.

I am judge, jury, and executioner.

Got it?

Ian, you're completely power mad.

Order in the court!

You're acting irrationally.

Silence, or I'll have you

covered with ants and grape jelly, too.

If I had your kind of power,

I'd be considerate

and generous

and good-natured,

and I'd always treat others

the way I'd like to be treated.

I wasn't as much of a tyrant as Ian,

was I?

Don't look at me.

I was just acting like that to teach you a lesson.

[crying]

I am a tyrant, a despot,

a self-serving, self-righteous no-goodnik.

Oh, Leonard-- everyone--

please forgive me.

In my zeal to make the playground

safe for everyone,

I lost the respect of everyone

I was making the playground safe for.

As Abraham Lincoln once said...

[glass shatters]

"No man is good enough to govern another man

without that other's consent."

Therefore I cannot in good conscience

continue as playground monitor.

Instead, I want to try and make recess

what it's supposed to be--

fun for us kids.

[cheering]

Ohh!

Now what am I going to do

with all these red ants and grape jelly?

Nice to have you back to being just a regular kid again, Scott.

I might be back to being a kid, Leonard,

but I think I'll always be an exceptional one.

Right?

Ooh! The left side tingles!