Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone for the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

I've got a surprise for someone,

and it's going to make him look extra-specially handsome.

Ha ha ha!

Not me!

Oh, please, not me!

I'll give her such a peck if it's me.

[Mrs. Helperman] Oh, Mr. Jolly.

Uh-oh. I'm going to the vet!

Quick! Hide!

Where to go?

[babbles in terror]

[hums nonchalantly]

Sanctuary!

Mew.

Oh, don't be scared, boo-boo.

Mama just wants to give you a goody.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

All the most stylish kitties are wearing them.

[bell jingling]

Ha ha ha!

Hear that, guys? I'm stylish.

Yeah, well, you still smell like a tuna boat.

Hush. I'm modeling.

Don't despise me because I'm beautiful.

Suffer.

[bell jingling]

What's that noise?

That's you.

No, that ringing noise.

That awful, incessant, jingle-jangle jingling.

-That's you. -Stop saying that.

Well, not you, per se.

I was speaking metonymically,

whereby something closely associated with you

comes to represent you--

to wit, the bell.

[bell jingles]

Aah!

[bell jingling]

It's driving me crazy! Somebody get the phone!

Hello? Aah!

Somebody get the door. That's it. Who's there?

Aah!

It can't be me! It just can't be me!

Get it! Make it stop!

[panting and wheezing]

Aah!

[bell jingles]

Oh, I'm sorry. Does this bother anyone?

[doorbell rings]

Aah!

I can't take it anymore!

[crashing]

It's okay, Mr. Jolly. That was really the doorbell.

Hi, Leslie.

Hi, Leonard. My mom wanted to borrow a cup of milk.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're still in your--

Pajamas!

Change quick. I'll cover for you.

[barking]

Oh, hi, Spot! Who's a good boy?

Who's a good, good boy? Who's a good little boy?

Okay, Leslie, now I'm ready to pour you a little milk.

Here you go, and, uh, keep the cup.

Thanks, Leonard.

Bye, Spot!

By the way, Leonard, nice cowboys.

That was so not cool.

You can stop now. She's gone.

It's not Leslie.

It's whatever the heck she smeared on her lips.

Very lemonade-y,

with just a hint o' mint.

There's Tyler, Taylor, and Trevor.

I bet none of the girls ever saw them in their cowboy pajamas.

Bet they don't even have cowboy pajamas.

Wonder what kind of pajamas cool guys wear.

Let's ask.

No, wait. That wouldn't be cool.

You wear cowboy pajamas. What do you care?

I just don't know how to hang with those guys.

I'm the teacher's kid,

so they don't want to say anything around me,

then I don't know what to say,

then they ignore me. I end up feeling like a dork.

You worry too much.

Just join in whatever they're talking about.

You can do it. You're a bright, clever boy.

Hey, dudes!

-Hey, dudes. -Hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

Hey.

[thin voice] Hey.

He, uh, means... [deep voice] Hey.

Did you see Leslie Dunkling today?

Yeah. Her lips are, like, way shiny.

Bet she had bacon for breakfast.

Actually, it's pink-lemonade lip gloss.

It tastes like the real thing,

with just a hint o' mint.

[all] Whoa!

What?

What?

[school bell rings]

Why did you lie about kissing me?

I didn't, Leslie, honest.

I used to think you were the nicest boy,

but now I don't think I can talk to you again.

I guess guys who wear cowboy pajamas

shouldn't try and be cool.

Leonard kissed Leslie on the lips.

Leonard kicked Leslie on the hips.

Leonard called Leslie a hippo,

and she gave him three flips.

Leonard killed Leslie's hippo

with three paper clips.

Duh. Clean your ears, wazaloseky.

Leonard kissed Leslie on the lips.

Hey! There's that quarter I was looking for!

Cleaning my ears was a really good idea!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, come on, pal. Cheer up.

This is just one of those fourth-grade things

that happens to--

say, are you going to finish

those teriyaki pork dippers? 'Cause, uh,

if you're not...

Come to papa!

Anyway, like I was saying,

by the end of lunch recess,

it will have all blown over.

This is, in the words of William Shakespeare,

the immortal bard of avon, "much ado about nothing."

Cute play, by the way.

No "Hamlet," tragic prince of Denmark,

but then, what is?

But I digress. Don't worry about the Leslie rumor.

I'll bet you everyone's forgotten it already.

Mr. Helperman,

please join me in my office

to discuss a certain rumor.

Now!

Huh. What do you know?

Second time today I've been wrong.

[Mrs. Helperman crying]

A teacher's son!

What did I do wrong?

Where did I fail him?

Don't blame yourself, ma.

Raising kids

is the hardest thing a woman can do.

Even the best young'un sometimes hits a little bump in the road,

but it's no reflection on you'un.

You did the best you could.

Thank you.

That helps.

Just doing my job, ma'am.

[sobbing]

Are you comfortable, son?

Goodness knows

I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable,

like you made that poor, sweet Leslie Dunkling feel

when you started your vicious,

ugly little kissy-poo rumor!

Well, look, I've upset you.

That's the last thing I want to do.

Can I get you something to drink,

a cup of water

or pink lemonade?

Now I just want to ask you a few simple questions

before I expel your sorry carcass

and send you up the river to the school for losers!

[teeth chattering]

[Scott] Ahem.

Is Mr. Helperman being formally charged

with the breaking of a school regulation?

What are you-- his lawyer?

Let's just say I'm a concerned friend of truth and justice in America today,

and as such, I need to know--

what is Leonard Helperman being charged with,

who is making the charge,

and where is the evidence to substantiate said accusation?

I'm crazy about those lawyer shows.

The girls are kind of skinny,

but you got to love the dialogue.

Kissing rumor, kissing rumor.

I know there's a rule against it.

But I never said I kissed her!

Zip it, Leonard. Don't dig yourself in any deeper.

All I said was her lip gloss tasted like lemonade.

Deeper.

Well, how else could you possibly know that?

Unless, of course, you happen to be

one of the countless people-- like me--

who suffers from chronic chapped lips...

Go on.

And your mom happened to run out of this stuff

and had to resort to using

her own pink-lemonade flavored lip gloss on you...

Go on.

In which case you'd be able to prove your innocence

by showing up here at 9:00 A.M. sharp tomorrow

with said lip gloss in hand.

And if he doesn't?

Hello, school for losers?

Reservation for one, please.

I object.

Make that a table for two.

I respectfully withdraw my objection, your honor.

Ha ha ha ha!

Did you hear?

Leonard wore his mom's lip gloss.

Did you hear?

Leonard tore his mom's lips off.

[all talking indistinctly]

These Leonard rumors must stop!

Did you hear? Leonard is roommates with a cop!

Clean your ears, Ian.

Hey, wow. A half dollar. My head is a bank!

Rumors, gossip, speculation. None of you knows the truth.

I know Ruth,

and I hope that one day

she'll be Mrs. Ian Wazaloseky.

Ick! Oh, I'm so totally embarrassed.

Thanks a lot, Scott.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just 'cause you hear something

doesn't mean it's true.

You know, our 16th president's wife--

Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln--

was rumored to have been a confederate spy.

[voices] Mary is a spy, Mary is a spy.

[woman] Mary Lincoln is a rebel lover.

It was completely unfounded gossip,

but it caused pain

to one of history's greatest presidents...

This guy?

Yes, Ian.

And widened the rift between brother and brother

in the north and the south,

which is to say

no one kissed Leslie dunkling on the lips!

She's a nice girl with nice lip gloss.

Let's leave it at that.

[mumbles]

Not one word.

I was just going to ask

if you'd be my best man at the wedding.

Ruthie and I would love a toast like that

at the reception, huh, honey?

Aah!

Thank you for defending me, Scott.

Now I think you're the nicest boy in class.

-Oh. -Ha ha.

Honest-- that wasn't what I was going for.

Come on.

We've got to go find ourselves that lipstick.

Why do you need to find a dipstick?

No, see, he-- we--

Oh, we just do.

[glass rattling]

Cherry, mango, peach... Kiwi?

Ugh!

My mom's got every lip gloss in the world

but pink lemonade with just a hint o' mint.

Poor pathetic humans.

When we birds

want a part of our body to be shiny and attractive,

we just secrete something...

And voilà! Hot-chattattee-cha!

Hey, Jolly, how do I look, baby?

I can't turn my head to see.

[bell jingling]

It'll make that sound again.

Oh, the bells, bells, bells,

bells, bells, bells, bells, bells.

You got to do something about this guy.

He's 10 times more depressing than usual.

Later. We've got to find a pink-lemonade lip gloss

with just a hint o' mint by 9:00 A.M. tomorrow,

or Leonard is toast.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a normal house.

How are we even going to pay for this anyway?

I don't have any money.

No problem. Ian loaned me a couple of bucks.

-Ew! -Ew!

Promise you'll give me a bath when we get home tonight.

May I help you, boys?

One pink-lemonade lip gloss

with just a hint o' mint, please.

Sorry. I sold my last one

to that cute little Leslie Dunkling just yesterday,

and I won't be getting a new shipment till sometime...

[breathes in deeply]

After 9:00 A.M. tomorrow morning.

I'm toast.

No, you're not.

Not while I've got breath in my body,

ideas in my head,

and a fist full of quarters.

-Ew. -Ew.

We got your pink. We got your lemons.

We got your gloss.

Ooh, wait. Is floor Polish toxic?

"Not to be taken internally."

Bye-bye to you.

Ahh, a little oil de la veggie.

That should do the trick. We got your gloss,

and, finally, la pièce de résistance...

The hint o' mint.

I love the supermarket.

Come on. We got to get this done.

Don't make such a big deal out of everything.

Easy for you to say. You come here every week.

This is my first venture into...

[deep voice] Aisle 4-b-- cereal, cookies, cake mix.

Buy two, get one free.

[gasps] Oh, my stars and garters.

Have you ever seen so much kibble in your life?

Could we please just go check out?

How many lemons make lemonade-y?

Got me. How much mint in a hint?

Well, any great chef will tell you--

cooking isn't a science. It's an art.

[bell jingling]

[imitating Quasimodo] Please, monseigneur, please,

let me ring the bell just once!

I must ring the bell. It's my job!

That's not funny. It's just mean.

I haven't cracked up this much since I was inside the egg.

[timer dings]

That wasn't me.

[rings bell]

That was me.

[French accent] Oh, oh, oh.

There she is looking good,

and we'll just take a little taste.

Yuck!

Not lemonade-y with just a hint o' mint?

It's a hint o' something, all right,

but I can't say what out loud.

[sighs] Oh, well.

We couldn't find it, we couldn't buy it,

and we couldn't make it.

I guess I'll just have to go to the school for losers.

[horn honking]

[children laughing]

I can't let you do it, pal.

Somehow, some way, somewhere,

we've got to get our hands on a pink-lemonade lip gloss,

just like the little girl next door's.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Life is not fair.

I'm sneaking out to find a gloss to prove a lie I didn't tell

to stop a rumor I didn't start.

And we all live in the house that Jack built.

What?

You should've paid more attention in preschool.

Come on.

We're just going to see

if we can borrow Leslie's lip gloss

till 9:00 A.M. tomorrow.

Once you're cleared of the lie you didn't tell

to stop the rumor you didn't start--

et cetera, et cetera--

we'll simply climb back up and return it.

No harm, no foul.

Eureka! I have found it!

Think quick-- what ancient Greek coined that phrase?

[makes buzzer sound]

Archimedes. Got to be a little quicker, Leonard.

Although, properly speaking, I should've either said

"Eureka" or "I have found it,"

since they both mean the same--

just go get it!

All right, all right.

I think I can reach--

Aah!

Oh! Ugh!

So... this is a girl's room.

[sniffs]

Sugar and spice. Nice.

[doorknob turning]

Uh-oh.

What are you doing here?

[panting and barking]

[whimpering]

That is one quick-witted dog.

You silly boy.

We have to get you back to your house,

but first-- give me a big doggy kiss.

[thinking] Isn't this what got us here

in the first place?

Mmm. Coconut cream.

[snoring]

Hmm. Ha ha ha ha.

[bell jingling]

Ding. Everywhere I go I ding.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

All I can do is... ding!

Okay,

this bell thing was good for a couple of laughs,

but now it's just getting on my nerves!

[bell jingling]

There. Happy?

Oh, thank you, Pretty Boy.

Ahh, ahh, ahh.

Oh.

What's the matter now?

It's too quiet. I miss my bell.

Oy.

[bell jingling]

[humming]

Cats. Next time leave them off the ark!

[thunder rumbles]

Gee, Leslie, I can't imagine how the heck he got up there,

but thanks a lot for bringing him back.

I did it for him, not for you...

Mr. Liar.

She'll never trust me again. She'll never like me again.

I'll never be able to convince her

I wasn't lying about the kiss.

Yeah, that's too bad. Wait a minute!

What's that in your ear, bunky?

Abracadabra!

Pink lemonade!

With just a hint o' mint.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Grabbed it on the way out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're cleared.

Now take it and get out of here.

Case dismissed.

And once again Principal Crosby Strickler

saves another fine young lad from the school for losers.

[sighs]

Mmm.

Well, I guess I learned my lesson.

What, you're never going to talk big again just to fit in with the cool guys?

No.

Oh, you'll never ever start a rumor

because you know what a mess it makes of everything?

That's a good one, but no.

What did you learn?

I am never going to answer the door again

wearing these stupid cowboy pajamas.

Oh, well,

then all of our efforts have not been in vain.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Hi, Leslie.

Hi, Leonard. I just wanted to apologize

for ever thinking you would tell a lie

or start a rumor or any of that bad stuff.

That's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.

Thanks for understanding.

Oh, and, Leonard...

Yes, Leslie?

Nice fire-truck jammies. [chuckles]

[siren wails]

I guess this is why men sleep in their skivvies.