Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone for the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

Okey-dokey, dominokey.

We've got your protein for brain food,

your complex carbs to keep Mr. Blood Sugar up,

and a squidge of syrup

just 'cause you're so sweet.

I cannot eat all this, mom.

Do your best.

Big exam today--

the National Aptitude Scholastic Test Yearly,

or N.A.S.T.Y. for short,

but it won't be if you're prepared.

Ha ha ha.

This is perfect. The biggest test of my academic career,

and what's supposed to fortify me?

"Poultry byproducts, corn gluten meal,

ferrosulfate hydrochloride, and manganese oxide"?

I got to get me some real food.

Psst! Leonard!

Go for it.

Mmm-mmm, protein at last.

Ahh.

Now I feel the old synapses starting to fire.

Spot, get down!

Leonard, don't let him eat off your dish!

[both] Darn.

[moans]

My mom made me eat three bowls of oatmeal

and last night's ham.

I had to finish a protein shake

and two granola bars.

I polished off a tasty fish head,

eyes and all.

Mmm. Even better the second time.

[all groan]

♪ With every turn Of the grinding blade ♪

♪ My pencil grows sharper And so does my brain ♪

♪ With every turn Of the grinding blade ♪

♪ My pencil grows sharper And so does my brain ♪

Excuse me.

The rest of us have pencils, too.

Ha ha. Sorry.

All righty, mighty test-takers,

don't turn your booklets over till I say go. Go!

That always cracks me up.

[thinking]" B"-- the answer is "B".

Just find the little "B" bubble

and fill it in.

Is that dark enough?

No, no, it should be darker. There, that's dark enough.

Darn! I made a hole in the paper.

♪ The answer to that is "B" ♪

♪ The answer to that is "C" ♪

♪ Yuh-duh-duh-duh Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Hey, none of the above, whoa ♪

Shush!

Sorry, sister. My bad.

[bell rings]

Boys and girls, I have the results

of the N.A.S.T.Y. test you took last week,

and there's great news.

One of our students has achieved the highest score

in the history of the fourth grade

at this school.

Was it me?

Yeah, right. It was Scott Leadready II.

Me? Ha ha ha. I had no idea.

I don't have anything prepared.

[hisses]

Oh, what is it, Tallulah?

Why are you acting so strangely?

Is it because perhaps you know

that Scott Leadready is no ordinary fourth-grade boy?

What? Yes, I am.

No, you're not!

With a N.A.S.T.Y. Test score like this,

you've just been promoted to the fifth grade.

[cheering]

Ah, the fifth grade.

It seems like just yesterday I was in the fourth grade.

It was just yesterday.

My, how time flies.

Just think, at the rate I'm going,

this time next year I could be in college.

Isn't it enough

that you're going to be a grade ahead of me?

Perhaps for some, but now that I've had a taste of life

in the fast lane,

I don't know that I can ever drive the speed limit.

Here comes Scott.

-Ooh, he's a special boy! -Man, he's so cool!

Hey, Scott, remember us?

Why, no, I don't believe I--

of course I do!

[laughing]

-He's so funny. -Ooh, he's dreamy.

Oh, man.

Of all the dogs they could have promoted...

Well, Leonard, it's been a slice of cheese,

but the fifth grade awaits.

Farewell. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Bill Shakespeare-- big fifth grade writer.

Hey! Aren't you the new fifth grader?

Yes, sir, sir. That I am, sir.

What are you doing out here lollygagging?

We got work to do, mister!

Wow, it is bigger in fifth grade.

Hey, is that stubble on your chin?

No, dufus, it's ink from my pen.

Wow, they use ink in fifth grade.

Everything is happening so fast.

Okay, everyone got that down?

Uh, wait a sec.

Do we have a problem, Mr. Leadready?

Who, sir? Me, sir? No, sir.

Hey, ever been to Big Sur, sir?

Zip it.

Yes, sir. Oh, kind of surly, sir.

Well, I said I wanted a challenge.

Okay, finished my 15 minutes of silent reading.

Homework's done. Time to play.

Come on, Spot, let's go throw a ball around.

I can't.

I've got 43 more pre-algebra problems,

100 vocabulary words to look up,

and I'm supposed to outline the next eight chapters

of "Health For Kids, Grade Five."

Ah, it's nice to just be a pet,

isn't it, Mr. Jolly?

Oh, indubitably, Pretty Boy.

No stress, no worries.

Someone else takes care

of your every whim, your every need.

Ha ha ha.

All you got to do is play dumb,

but you, you're too dumb to play dumb.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Pretty Boy, Mr. Jolly, want to play?

When you love your work, it's not work.

It is play.

[Mr. Jolly] You're it. Ha ha ha!

Oop, you missed me.

Ha ha ha!

Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Ha ha ha.

Hurry up. We're going to be late for school.

Uh, sorry, but some of us have a little more

in their backpack than just lunch--

Shakespeare, pre-algebra...ugh!

Yeah, yeah, just come on.

I don't want to be tardy.

We're having a storyteller come to class today.

A storyteller? Oh.

I remember storytellers.

They talk, and all you got to do is listen.

Not nearly as rewarding as Shakespeare,

but fun in a fourth grade kind of way.

Hey, Leadready, what are you doing

hanging around that kindergartner?

I'm not a kindergartner. I'm a fourth grader.

Tell them.

Uh, yeah, right. I'll go set them straight.

Uh, look, fellas,

I helped him cross the street

and then I didn't have the heart to ditch him.

He wanted to hang with a fifth grader.

What are you going to do, right, homeys?

[bell rings]

[cheering]

Hi, Scott.

Uh, yo, Scott,

uh, there's your little buddy again.

Um, oh, so it is.

Hey, let's give him a thrill--

let him spend recess with the big kids.

Really? You mean it?

Uh, yeah, sure. Go get him.

It'll be a blast.

Hey, they want you to come hang out with us.

Get out!

No, really.

Really? Well, okay.

H-Hi. Hi, guys.

Hey! Oh! Whoa!

Hey, guys, I'm claustrophobic.

Come on! Get me out of here!

Hey, hey! What are you doing, guys?

[shouting]

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it.

I was part of a dastardly plot

to trash-can my best friend.

What have I become?

You're a fifth grader, man.

Come on. Let's go do some more.

[kids] Trash can! Trash can! Trash can! Trash can!

Leonard, I didn't mean to, um...

I-I didn't want to, uh, have--

I tried to, um...

Oh.

Oh, nothing feels right to me anymore, Mrs. H.

I miss the fourth grade.

I miss salt-and-flour maps of South American countries

and multiplying with jellybeans.

I miss singing protest songs

on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

And most of all, I miss my friend Leonard.

He's my pal.

I want to go through the grades

with him by my side,

not upside down in a trash can.

[gasps] What?

Uh, that's just a for-instance.

Aw, don't you see what I'm sayin' here, teach?

I thought I was ready to grow up,

but I was wrong.

I love the fourth grade and I want to come back.

I want to be here now!

[door opens]

Well, if that doesn't just make me want to cry,

I don't know what.

Oh, come here.

[bell rings]

[whistling]

Hey, what do you want to do, Miles?

I don't know.

Say, Max, we haven't trash-canned

any little kids in a while.

[shouting]

[roars]

And don't bother us anymore!

Hold on, buddy. I'll get you out of there.

[howls]

How come nobody likes this?

[whistle blowing]

[alarm sounding]

[dogs barking]

[siren wailing]

Ew!

I am dog. Ergo, I drool.

Leonard, honey, I've got to trit-trot next door

and borrow a bag of broccoli for dinner tonight.

Stay in the yard and keep an eye on Spot, okay?

Okay, Mom!

Hey, you hear that, Leonard?

No.

Just wait, boy ears. You will.

[ice cream truck music playing ]

[both] Ice cream!

Ice cream. Mmm.

I enjoy being a boy.

Ooh! [zip]

Never dress for ice cream in haste.

Leonard Amadeus Helperman, where have you been?

Amadeus?

Didn't I ask you to stay right here in the yard?

Well, but me and Scott-- I was only--

yes, ma'am.

And now Spot is gone! I can't find him anywhere.

I am very disappointed with you.

After all, he is just a poor helpless dog.

He doesn't know any better.

There's no need to insult my intelligence.

Oh, but perhaps you know the dog best.

He lives in your home.

Wait. I think I hear my mother calling me.

Scott! Coming, mother!

[barking]

Oh, my poor little Spotty.

You're back. [sobbing]

We thought we'd lost you forever.

Leonard, our doggy is safe,

and we'll never, ever lose him again.

[thinking] I should have thought

of this prodigal dog scam years ago.

This is sweet.

Mrs. Helperman,

when the Doggy Dyne Detecto collar

hits the vortex of lasers

that make up our invisible fence,

it activates a spray of pungent odors

that only animals can smell,

driving the victim, er, doggy,

away from the perimeter. To wit...

[alarm sounding]

[whimpers]

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Foul! Yuck!

Ohh, month-old mushu pork.

Ugh. The horror, the horror.

Your dog will never leave this yard again.

Well, that's just dandy.

Are you okay, Spot?

Oh, fine. Just fine. Of course I'm not okay!

If I can't leave the yard,

then I can't go to school tomorrow.

That means I'll miss the history test

and fail social studies,

and then you can just toss Harvard,

my naval career,

and president pro tem of the senate

right out the window, baby!

Whoa, whoa, everything's going to be fine.

I've got an idea.

There. Spot is now totally safe.

Yeah, but just to be really safe,

shouldn't you tell me the code, too?

You know, so I could turn off the fence

in case you're going to be home late

or, like, the house blows up or something.

Well, yes, you should know the code,

but you have to promise

you won't ever, ever turn the system off

unless you ask me first.

Yes, ma'am. I promise.

[groans]

Well, okey-dokey, then. Let's get ready to scoot.

Okay, I'll just be a little late to school,

but I won't miss the history test.

I can handle that.

Spot, I can't turn the fence off.

I just promised my mom.

Yes, but... You didn't promise her

you wouldn't tell me the security code

so I could turn it off.

Tell you the security--

you don't even have to tell me the code.

You can accidentally cough it out.

You could burp it out. You know...

[burps] 1, 2, 3.

Need I go on? You get the picture.

I guess I could do that.

[Mrs. Helperman] Leonard, honey, time to go.

Leonard, my freedom is on the line here.

You're going to help me, right?

I don't know, Spot. I did make a promise.

But maybe your freedom is more important than that.

But what if I get caught?

Is your freedom worth having my mom never trust me again?

I'm sorry. I-I-I just--

come on, Mr. Lollygagger.

Aah!

[all] With liberty

and justice for all.

All except me, right, Leonard?

[groans]

And we call this unpaired electron

a free radical.

Ha ha ha.

Electrons can be free but not a dog?

Don't I deserve the same rights

as a subatomic particle?

[groans]

So, in 1860, America elected a great president

who was also a super-duper champion of freedom--

Abraham Lincoln.

Ha ha.

Whew.

Go home and free your dog, son.

Aah! I don't know what to do!

Can't you just leave me alone?

You're strange.

Leonard, honey,

are you all right?

Uh, you know,

all of a sudden, I'm not feeling so well.

[playing the blues]

[sighs]

I had such plans, too.

Did you know I was going to be the first dog elected pope?

Spot, you are going to be free.

Leonard, you broke a promise to your sainted mother.

I knew you had it in you.

Quick-- let's turn off that fence and get out of here.

Not so fast.

I promised my mom I wouldn't turn off the fence,

but I didn't promise her

I wouldn't get you out of your collar.

[both] Nah.

I don't see what the big problem is.

Why don't you just collapse your bones

and slip out like me?

I know, Spot.

Why don't you grow a pair of wings

and fly over the fence?

You guys leave Spot alone. He's in a lot of pain.

That's it! I'll fly over the fence.

And he's losing his mind.

Ha ha. No. No, I'm not crazy, Leonard.

Not crazy at all. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I can see where the cackling might make you wonder.

Boys, I've got a brilliant plan.

Oh, I get it.

You're warming us up for your brilliant plan

by making us start out with this stupid plan!

Just make sure you lower me on the other side of the fence.

And stop all that licking.

Muddle-headed escape attempts

make me nervous, so sue me.

Can we all stop fighting and do this?

Spot's freedom is at stake.

Yes, and, uh, more importantly,

this harness is starting to ride up.

[high-pitched voice] Let's go!

Hey, what's going on up there?

[coughs] Oh, no. Oh, yuck.

[coughing] Hairball.

I told you to stop licking yourself.

Oh, dear, it's a big one.

That's disgusting.

Oh!

Pretty Boy, stop flapping.

Steady, guys. Steady!

Ah-choo!

Ahh!

-Ugh! [coughs] -Ugh! [coughs]

Here I go again.

I made it, fellas! Your sacrifice was not in vain.

I'm free. Free, I say. Free!

[siren wails]

In future, escape first, celebrate later.

All right, uh... Spot,

come with me, nobody gets hurt.

You leave my dog alone.

Boy, I'm going to have to ask you to stand back!

[tires squeal]

What is going on here?

No need to worry, ma'am.

The subject made an escape attempt,

but Doggy Dyne is on the job.

We're going to take care of him

as soon as your son here gets out of the way.

Leonard, I sent you home sick, honey.

I know, but Spot's my dog.

I just had to come out and defend him.

Mr. Doggy Dyne, this isn't working out.

I want you to take your laser- cyber-detecto things out of here

and let my dog live in peace,

is that clear?

Yeah, but we--

well, I was only--

yes, ma'am.

[sighs]

Sweet freedom.

Oh, poor Spot.

I just wanted you to be safe.

Know what, mom? After today,

I don't think Spot will ever try running away again.

[ice cream truck music playing]

Do you feel well enough to have an ice pop?

I think I could handle that.

[groans]

In fact, I think I'm feeling well enough to eat two ice pops.

Now that's a dog's best friend.

Ugh. Smells like rancid pork around here.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Laugh it up, dog boy. Laugh it up.