Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[wolf howls]

[opera music playing]

[snoring]

-[music stops] -Aah!

Rise and shine, gooey gumball!

Where's my big, old fourth grade boy? Ooh, I have to give him a kiss.

Mwah!

Mom, you're not gonna do that at school.

Oh, of course not, Mr. Worry-Pants.

At school, I'm not mommy,

I'm just Mrs. Helperman, your fourth grade teacher.

And I'm just Leonard Helperman...

Class dork.

Ha ha ha ha. I love you, too, Spot.

[sighs] But even dog breath and slobber kisses

can't help me today.

This is gonna be the crummiest year ever.

Boy, I wish I could stay home like you, Spot.

Stay home like me? Are you insane, boy?

Would that I could go to school like you.

[thinking] What wouldn't I give to breathe in

the smell of a freshly sharpened pencil,

to thrill to the crack of the binding

of a math book being opened for the first time, to--

[door opens]

Cut it out, Spot.

That's gross.

[thinking] To walk down the hallowed halls of learning

in brand-new sneakers

that have yet to see the light of day.

But, no, I'm a dog.

I stay home and bite my buttocks.

Surprise, hon! For the first day of school.

A purple bunny backpack?

You think Tyler, Taylor, or Trevor would be caught dead

wearing a purple bunny backpack?

I thought-- I thought it would be special.

I don't want to be special, Mom.

I just want to be normal. I just want to fit in.

Okay, well, if it makes you more comfy,

just use your old backpack, doodle bug.

And don't call me doodle bug!!

Oh, right... I, uh...

I meant dude.

Hi, Leslie.

I like your dress.

Hi, Leonard.

[gasps] Hi, Spot!

Yes, oh, what a good boy!

Yes, what a good, good dog.

That's a really pretty dress.

It's the nicest dress I ever saw on you.

Oh, you're the best doggy in the whole world.

Yeah, he's the greatest.

Go home, Spot.

[crash]

Sorry, fella. Dogs can't come to school.

Aw, poor little guy. Bet he wishes he could.

Hmm. If only you knew how much.

Oh, if only I'd been born a kid instead of a stupid slobbering dog.

Oh, Spot, I can't understand you at all.

I just feel so cheated by fate!

He means he can't understand you

with that stupid tennis ball in your mouth, dummy.

Oh. Sorry.

Isn't that just the story of my life--

a ball in my mouth instead of a book in my hand.

Ugh. Filthy, nasty habit.

You don't know where that ball's been.

Pretty Boy does have a point. It could be crawling with outdoor cooties,

and the lord only knows

if your vaccinations are current.

Oh, this is bad. It's is very bad.

What difference does it make whether I live or die

from old tennis ball germs

if the rest of my life is to be spent

in a pile of dirty clothes, trapped between these walls

waiting for the people to come home?

Did they feed him this morning?

Wait a minute!

Who says I have to live like this?

Why must I settle?

Where is it written that I have to suffer my days

lying on a pile of cast-off dirty clothes?

In the Doggy Handbook, bobo, chapter one,

right after "scratch the door to get out"!

No, don't you see? This is my destiny.

I was the runt of the litter,

abandoned by a cruel pet-store owner

before my eyes even turned brown,

but a kindly fourth grade class on a field trip rescued me

and took me into the bosom of their classroom.

Oh, how I yearn for that golden puppyhood.

It's been my lifelong dream to return.

What's he talking about? What's he doing?

I am going to school.

Gasp! Out there? You can't.

Oh, can't I?

Hey.

What's up?

Look at that weird kid running on all fours!

Now I've seen everything.

[gasps]

[children laughing]

Wow.

Ow!

Ohh. Oh, no, not here.

Not now.

Are you okay, kid?

I-I-I-I-I'll be fine.

Uh, the color of it just shocked me, that's all.

Yeah, it's yellow, all right.

Well, see you later.

Ha ha ha. See you later.

I'm a boy, not a dog-- a boy, not a dog.

Don't blow it now. They wouldn't understand.

[inhales deeply]

[panting]

What's your problem?

Phbt!

-We like your dress. -We like your dress.

Really?

Kelsey and Chelsea like my dress.

I-I like your dress.

You better not talk.

You're going to get in trouble with your mom.

[children murmuring]

New kid.

Oh, hello. Are you supposed to be in this class?

Um, I, uh, uh, um, uh...

Are you a fourth grader?

Y-Y-Yes!

Then you're supposed to be in this class. What's your name?

Spot.

Did you say Scott?

Uh, yeah, that's a good boy's name.

Uh-huh. And what's your last name, Scott?

Last name? Uh...

Uh...

Give me a second. Um...

Leadready Number Two.

Oh, the second.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.

Well, everyone, say hello to your new classmate

Scott Leadready II.

[all] Hi, Scott.

Hi, guys!

Ooh.

Formica.

Cool purple bunny backpack.

Darn.

Boys and girls,

please take out your "Adventures In Math" books.

Ha ha ha ha! Today we begin long division.

Long division!

Ooh, not just division, but long division!

First participles, now this. Oh, what a day!

Good morning, boys and girls.

I just wanted to stop in and welcome you

to the, uh, the, um...

Um, fourth grade, Principal Strickler.

The fourth grade!

Ah, yes, I remember the fourth grade.

That was the year some irresponsible child

violated school policy

and brought a cute new puppy in for show-and-tell,

and do you know what happened?

It bit off half my thumb!

I hate dogs.

[meow]

Ah, this world would be a better place

if they were all just kitty cats.

Am I right, young man?

Uh... right!

[screeches]

What's this? Tallulah smells a dog.

I-I...

I have a dog at home.

Maybe she smells him on my clothes.

Yes, that must be it. Next time wash your clothes better,

and whatever you do, make sure that dog stays home

and never comes to school.

[growls]

Right.

Good. Uhh! Come...On, pretty-- uhh!

Let's go next door and welcome the um, uh...

Fifth grade, Principal Strickler.

Fifth grade! Ah, yes, I remember the fifth grade.

Don't get me started.

Now, who can tell me what this word means?

Okay, um...

Well, I know that there is

at least one very, very smart boy here

who can give us a definition

because he learned it at home, right?

Democracy--

a form of government

in which the power is granted to the people,

born in ancient Greece

and adopted by our bewigged founding fathers

of the Second Continental Congress

on a muggy July 4th in Philadelphia, PA, 1776.

[cheering]

That new kid's going to really take the pressure off us.

-Cool. -Cool.

Wow, Scott. You're really smart.

I knew that. I just didn't want to show off.

Oh, an excellent answer, Scott.

You may sit.

Okay, now, as a part of our unit on democracy,

we are going to hold our very own election!

Yay!

[clears throat] Okay, then.

Um, so whoever wants to run for class president,

you may nominate yourself

by writing your name on the chalkboard right now.

[panting]

[all] Ewww-en!

We call him that 'cause he's so disgusting.

Ian, uh, chalk is for writing, not eating.

Oh, oh, but it's got secret ingredients

from the deep underlayers of the Brazilian rain forest.

You want some?

Okey-dokey. Ha ha. Anyone else?

Would anyone else like to run?

Oh, great. She expects me to put my name up,

and then everyone's going to feel like they have to vote for me

because my mom's the teacher.

And big deal-- I'll win against Ian Wazaloseky.

Ha ha ha ha! Well, super-dee-duper!

We have another candidate.

[all] New kid!

[all] New kid!

[all] New kid!

Boy, he's got guts. And on his first day, too.

[all chanting] New kid! New kid! New kid! New kid! New kid! New kid! New kid!

[cheering]

Hey, what's going on?

[opera music playing]

-Isn't he awesome? -Isn't he awesome?

So totally.

Big deal. My dog can do the same thing.

[toilet flushes]

I know who you are, and I know

why you can leap 5 feet in the air

and catch a frisbee with your teeth.

I know why you have a purple bunny backpack.

Yes, Leonard, it's true.

You're from the alternative school!

No, Leonard, I'm--

admit it!

Huh? What's this?

Spot Helperman?

What have you done with my dog?

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Leonard.

I am your dog.

No!

-[boys] What's up? -Nothing. Just a bad reaction

to the, uh, cafeteria's turkey chili nachos.

You might want to leave, guys.

It could get ugly.

Later, dudes.

You-- you can talk.

Yes, I can, Leonard.

-How long? -The whole time.

And Pretty Boy, Mr. Jolly?

Mm-hmm, all of us.

This is too weird.

Look, no one else needs to know.

Well, of course no one can know.

Are you kidding? Jeez.

If I thought being the teacher's son

made me a freak...

You have to go.

You have to go home right now.

What, before spelling? Are you out of your mind?

You can't stay here. You're-- you're a dog.

I do not wish to be a dog.

It's what you are!

I expected this from the other pets,

but not from you.

No, Leonard, I have finally

found my place in the world.

I am staying at school.

I am staying in the fourth grade.

And what's more, by this time tomorrow,

I will be president of our class!

Oh, no. No.

You can't run.

If you're president,

I'll never get you to go home.

Precisely.

Okay, that's it.

I'm through trying to reason with my dog!

I know what I have to do.

Oh, I am so proud of my ittle-wittle kid-adid.

Oh, ho ho.

Mom, not at school!

[clock ticking]

I've got to win this thing. I've got to beat that dog.

Leonard, that's no way to talk

about your fellow office-seeker.

I can stomach the Mary's lamb routine--

you follow him to school one day, yada, yada.

But running against your master for president--

that's way over the line!!

Yes, it's bad Karma, Spot.

Oh, dear, oh, me, you're going against nature.

Nature invented the flea.

What care I for nature?

You're a real piece of work.

And so if you elect me, Leonard Helperman,

I promise I will be a good president.

Politics is not for wimps.

I need a drink. Ah, chocolate milk.

Leonard!

I was getting a glass.

Well, I think you better feed your dog.

Oh, look how hungry he is.

[growling]

Aah! No! No!

My speech.

Bad boy! Out!

Out!

Perhaps you should have gone

to the pain of memorizing it, like I did.

["The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing]

You need a leader--

someone who dares to think outside the box,

color outside the lines,

someone who, when others say, "I can't,"

can say, in the words of the great Sammy Davis Jr.,

"Yes, I can!"

Y-You need a kid like you,

a normal, regular kid

who does normal, regular kid stuff like--

[feedback]

A normal, regular kid.

You need someone who can get rid

of these yak glue sticks and bring back

good old-fashioned pasting pots.

That stuff was delightful.

[bell rings]

One for Scott.

One for Leonard.

One for Scott.

One for Leonard.

One for Ian?

"Paste pots rule.

Glue sticks drool"?

I'm sorry, Leonard.

I never meant it to come to this.

In my heart, I'm totally loyal.

You'll always be my master.

I'll never heel for another.

But this was destiny.

No hard feelings. Have a grape.

See? There are some things only humans should attempt.

I want you boys to know that just by running,

you're all winners.

But our new class president

by a single vote is...

Me, me, me.

Me, me, me.

Mmm. Paste.

Ian Wazaloseky!

Paste pots rule!

Glue sticks drool!

[all] Speech!

Now, as president, Ian,

your special responsibilities will include

cleaning the chalkboard, emptying the pencil sharpener,

and sorting the recycling every day.

-Whew. -Whew.

[bell rings]

Hi, loser. And I say that

with the self-mocking good nature

of a fellow loser.

I know that... loser.

Hey. When you say it, it hurts.

You know, that's the stupidest-looking backpack ever.

Really? Leslie seems to like it.

You know, you really would be better off

just staying home and being a dog.

Is that what you want, Leonard?

Well...

Knowing how much I have treasured every moment

of these two days--

the pain and the joy,

the adulation and the rejection?

All right, all right, I get it.

The turkey chili nachos

and the canned peaches in heavy syrup--

Oh, mama!

Okay, you can keep going to school.

Oh! I can? Hooray!

I am so happy, I am so happy!

Oh, you'll never regret it, Leonard.

It's gonna be wonderful-- you and me together at last,

like we were always meant to be.

But you gotta be cool, okay?

No more hot-dogging.

Absolutely. Agreed.

Did you hear I'm going out for the soccer team?

Ooh, I hope to be captain.

That's way better than class president.

Everyone knows the captain of the soccer team.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! And how about a newspaper, huh?

If I started one, I could be editor.

That's the way you sway the unwashed masses.

Uh, we can talk about it when I walk you tonight.

Uh, we're almost home.

Oh, yeah, gotcha.

[zipper zips]

[barks]

Good dog.