All language subtitles for Mr.Fix.It 2009

[cheering and clapping]

(woman over microphone)
We women have been
fighting for our rights

for way too long!

We have to start
to speak louder
in order for our rights

to finally get heard
in the workplace.

Women are passed over
for promotion.

They're passed over
for benefits.

They're passed over
for inclusion in the boardroom.

Or on Wall Street.

Today, only 10%
of our board of directors
are women!

(crowd boos)

That is a crime
against women!

Today we love and respect
our elected legislator
for women.

We women continue
to be used as objects.

(female voice)
I wanna thank you
for coming out

and supporting our plight.

Sensitivity
means so much to me.

Specially after
what I went through
in my last relationship.

(woman)
...to be as successful
as any man on the planet.

And on top of that

women's salary are 20%
less than men's.

[booing]

Sir, would you come up
here, please?

Come on!
It's alright.

We don't bite.
Come on.
Come on!

Oh, oh!

Now, sir.

Women make 20% less
than you men do.

Please, tell all of us
that that is not an injustice.

(woman from crowd)
Yeah, come on,
tell us!

I'd easily be willing to
give up 20% of my income

to be able to have
a multiple orgasm.

[all surprised]

(man)
Why do you worry
about work anyway?

Just find yourself a man.

(woman from crowd #2)
Get him, girls!

[all shout in excitement]

[romantic music]

I'm starting to enjoy
being with you
more and more.

Don't let that go
to your head.
[laughs]

The last thing I need
is another overprotective
boyfriend

that gets jealous
at the drop of a hat.

I actually think
you should start seeing
other guys.

Just to make sure
that I'm the best
prospect.

[music stops]
[people complain]

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Take a look
at the beautiful lady
standing right there.

She's a single, natural blond
that loves aromatherapy
and African art.

If interested, come over
and schedule a date
for next weekend.

[all murmur]

Oh, and she's getting
a boob job next week.

And she's open to a threesome
if you find the right woman.

[thriller music]

[romantic music]

Hey, I'm Nick!

I'm Jeff.

I'm Christopher.

(girl)
This is really romantic.
Kidnapping me for the day?

I'm so happy
I finally have a boyfriend
whose sense of adventure

is more than just
taking the dog
to the park.

Before I reveal
the surprise,
I'd like to make a toast.

Here's to you.

In such a short time
you've opened up
the door of my heart

by having me overcome
my fears of passion,
devotion, commitment.

Fears I thought
I'd never be able
to overcome.

I only hope that in time
I can help you overcome
your fears as well.

[glasses clink]

[romantic music]

Starting with
your fear of flying.

[terror music]

Ándele, ándele!

[salsa music]

Hola, señor.

Rápidamente!

[salsa music]

[girl screams]

# I don't know
Anything about you #

# Don't you know #

# That's the game? #

# I'm sitting on my bed
And I wonder #

# What will it take #

# For you to call me #

# 'Cause we go together #

# Just like jam and bread
Or maybe birds of a feather #

# Hey, can you hear me? #

# When I shout out loud #

# I'm wishing
You could be near me #

# I don't care
If the bills are paid #

# As long as she is with me #

# I don't care
If my soul is saved #

# As long as she forgives me #

# I don't care
If the moon is wrong #

# Wishing and not hoping #

# I don't need to be
An astronaut #

# As long as you
Are ki-ki-kissing me #

# Ki-ki-- ki-ki-- #

# We-- #

[instrumental music]

# 'Cause we go together #

# Just like jam and bread
Or maybe birds of a feather #

# And, hey,
Are you listening? #

# When I shout out loud #

# I wish it's you
I was kissing #

# I can't be anything
Without you #

# Don't you know? #

# I can't be anything-- #
[music stops]

[telephone ringing]

Mr. Fix It,
Computer Repair Shop.
Please hold.

What seems to be
the problem.

She won't respond
to my commands anymore.

You know what
it sounds like to me?

Hey.
Ooh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ooh, ah!

- Bill Smith?
- Mr. Fix it?

Lance Valenteen.

Have a seat, Bill.

So, did you love her?

Love--

Sophia?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

It was nice meeting you.

You know your way out.

But I love her.
I do.

Where did you touch her
when she wanted to forget
about the world?

She loved
her head massaged.

Where were her eyes
the first time
you told her a secret?

Hazing into mine.

First time
you saw her cry.

She lost
her mother's necklace.
She's Italian--

You hurt.

I hurt her so bad.
[sobs]

It hurts like--
It's like--

Like only true love can.

Love.

Love that goes deeper
as the years progress.

Sorry, but I won't take a case
unless the client possesses
true love.

Did you know
how I feel?

I found out a long time ago
that I was incapable
of true love.

Which gives me
the unique ability
to help you out.

[trumpet fanfare]

Research has shown
that 88% of the time
a woman dumps a man

it's because
there's another guy.

Another guy we'll call
Different Dick.

Either she's dreaming
about him or she's
already with him.

Sure, she may've
dumped you because--

He couldn't commit.

He was incredibly cheap.

He only loved himself.

He was hung
like a South American
sand beetle.

But deep down inside,
these women are all saying
the same thing.

(together)
I want a Different Dick.

Well, I give them just that.

[pop music]

Hi.
I'm Different Dick.

But I'm no ordinary
Different Dick.

I'm packed with information
that allows me to make you
look like a better catch.

Get that shark
from Jaws!

(Dick)
First, we determine
why she left you.

Then I come up with a plan
on how to meet your ex...

...befriend her,
and date her!

Then, equipped
with knowledge
provided by you

I turn from Different Dick
into your very own...

Mr. Fix It.

I become the epitome
of why you were dumped,

to prove that you really
weren't that bad after all.

I just didn't make Carol
laugh anymore.

[Lance laughing]

How about this one?

What do you call a dinosaur
that's had sex with me?

A vagina-saurus.

Martha said
I was the jealous type.

[classical music]

If that guy hugs you
again like that,

I'm gonna break
his freaking jaw.

That's my brother.

I didn't know you were
from West Virginia.

Bonny said
I was inconsiderate.

[music from the '50s]

[engine starts running]

Hey! Hey!

What the fu--

Now she thinks
I'm a laugh riot.

She hasn't yelled at me
in months.

I didn't have to change.

I'm still a hung
like a chestnut,

but after how
Mr. Fix It behaved,

well, at least
I can still get it up.

(together)
Thanks, Mr. Fix it.

Here's the rules.

I will not have sex
with your ex.

Contract will now
and always remain
100% confidential.

And there's a full refund
if there's no reconciliation.

No exceptions whatsoever.

Mr. Fix It Inc.

(women singing jingle)
# You've got nothing to lose
But more sleep ##

But I don't know
why she left me!

Well, um, phew,
that, um--

That changes things.

You know, I--

I'll pay double.

[disco music]

[applauses]

Lance Valenteen,
who crashed in the final lap

of last year's
street car race,

comes back this year
to win this coveted event
in record time.

After all these years,
he'll finally get a chance

to race on the professional
race car circuit.
I'll tell you, Chuck,

tonight he's going to bang
like a bongo
at a Santana concert.

Chuck?

Excuse me.
Chuck?

Hey, Chuck.

(Bill)
Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Lance?

I said I'd pay double.

Hello?

Mr. Fix it?

You're going down.

You're going down!

These are the guys
that won it all last year.

Yeah. The tall guy
likes it down low.

The son a bitch
is always late.

Okay.

I'm gonna take
a leap of faith and say,
"We're gonna win."

Who's with me?

Dude, seriously,
joining this league
was your idea,

and you still
can't show up on time.

I was in a meeting.

We had to discuss
fixing an Internet connection.

Email access.

Wireless,

homeless, boneless...

...chicken?

A little responsibility.
That's all I ask.

Could you please
just act like a grown up
for one night a week?

[blowing whistle]

[cheering]

So guys, huh?
Next week at 7:00 sharp.

We're a team.

Yeah.
Alright.

See you, guys.
Ow!

Good game.
A lot of fun.
Sharp.

"Wireless, homeless,
boneless chicken"?

You know as well as I do.
If their wives find out
about Mr. Fix It,

I'll never be able
to see them again.

You gonna have
to stop this lying
and start being yourself.

Tonight's not that night.
I got a new client
I gotta scope out.

The exploration stage.
Then I can go.

You can go,
but the client
personality evaluation

reveals low self-esteem,
boring tendencies,
and multiple insecurities.

So she's homely
and fat.

I'm in.

The client found a note in
his ex's pocketbook saying,
"Go on at 8:00."

Giggles.
Comedy club, huh?

Yeah.

I hope she's funny.

That must suck.

I know.
It must suck getting old.

Staying young
is the secret to life.

Yeah. Right now
the secret to life
is not waiting.

Come on!
Let's get Giggles going!

[rock music]

(announcer)
Starting off amateur night,
here's Sophia.

[soft rock music]

[Italian accent]
Do not talk.

Then how does one
become your friend?

Either make me laugh
or make me orgasm.

What if I can do both?

Then you will be
my very good friend.

(announcer)
Alright, put your hands
together for Sophia.

Now it's time for Cherry.

[pop music]

I can tell tha--

Do not follow me
another step,

or I will tie you down,
remove your clothes,

and make you nice
and comfortable.

Do you know that bouncer
over there?

He will pluck out each one
of your genital hairs
with boiling tweezers

while wearing a blindfold.

I wonder what you have to do
to be her best friend.

(Bill)
Um, she--

She loves her dog Maxine.

There's this dog park
on her street where she just
plays with her for hours.

[barking]

What about this one?

That one was the stud on
a kennel that got closed down
last month.

The poor little guy
must be lonely, huh?

[grunts]

[romantic music]

[barks]

Your name is Max.
Got it? Max.

[barking]

[lively music]

Hold on.

[thump]

Uh! Geez.

(Sophia)
You alright?

I-- I'm trying to teach my dog
how to lie down.

See?
Like this.

Is that a smile?

This means I'm half way
to being your good friend.

I do not like men
who follow me.

Follow you?
I just moved here.

I was showing Max
his new hangout.

My dog's name is Max.
Uh, Maxine.

Where is your Max?

He's over there.

He's studying to be
a proctologist.

[laughs]

Now I'm more
than halfway.

This means you have to
let me take you out
to dinner. I'm Lance.

I'm new in town,
and, right now,
you're my only friend.

Do not worry.
Because if you're
anything like your dog,

you'll make friends quick.

Help.
Help!

She loves boarding down
to the promenade
to see the street performers.

(Bill)
The wackier,
the better.

(Lance)
For my finale
I will use this wood.

It is no ordinary wood.

It is sacred wood.

(all)
Ooh!

[birds chirping]

[Chinese music]

(Lance)
Now that we have
honored the wood,

it is okay to destroy the wood.

[clapping and cheering]

[clapping]

[clapping and cheering]

[chants]

[all chant]

[chanting rises]

[cheering]

(Lance)
Thank you.

Please, give your
donations for my show
to the human bowling ball.

How about breaking this?

[cheering and clapping]

No.

This is a nice board.

I'm getting a new one.

(all)
Yeah, come on!

Yeah, come on!
Do it!

You can do it.

Break it.

[all cheer]

[all cheer, encourage]

[they stop]

(all)
Ooh!

[chanting rises]

[thrilling music]

[chanting rises]

[thump]
[crowd boos in disappointment]

(Dan)
You're not making
the Porsche?

So why don't you just quit
when the job
gets this tough?

Please, don't yell.

Sorry.

It pays double.
If they reconcile,

I'll be able to get
another shot at the race.

I thought
that bird died.

He was staying
in my room,
but my new dog, Max,

he likes sleeping
in there. But this bird,
he gets restless,

starts yelling,
and he won't shut up.

(parrot)
Use two hands, honey.
It won't bite.

You're keeping it
in the bedroom, huh?

That's why
you're still single

because those are
the type of girls you date.

(parrot)
That's it, baby.
Spank it like you mean it.

Even if I was capable of--

Where would I find a girl
who wasn't a bit afraid
of racing cars?

Or someone who would do
something insane to see
if she had the guts to do it?

Or someone who could dance
the mambo with me so well
that we could do it blindfolded?

(parrot)
Cucumbers are
in the refrigerator.

That's kinky.

# It's a crack,
You know, she said #

# I hear those voices
In my head #

# This life's too strange,
At least for me #

# I miss the way--
The way-- the way-- the way-- #

Lance.

Kenneth.

(boy)
I thought I told you to keep
your ass off this track.

What are you doing here?
Isn't it past your bedtime?

(announcer)
Racers, please
prepare to race.

[thrilling music]

(announcer)
The winner,
receive your winning tickets.

And here we go.

Three.

Two.

One.

[ringing]

Compliments from my dog.

[tires screech]

[tires screech]

That bit.

[alarm goes off]

[tires screech]

That's just disrespectful.

You can't break the rules.

You should be removed
from the track.

[sensual music]

- Good driving.
- You've got a gift.

Do you give lessons?

Thanks, boys.
That was fun.

[sax solo]

Turn off your engines, boys.
This is a man's job.

(boy #1)
Yeah, but she doesn't
like feminine things.

(boy #2)
I'm smoother than you,
and I want the best.

(boy #3)
Don't forget to tell her
about the chlamydia.

You know, some
might just call this fate.

I call it bad timing.

How is your head?

Better than my heart.
You're a tough girl.

I just got out
of a relationship,

and I'm not looking
for another.

I do not enjoy
conversation,

specially with men
I do not know.

And I am moving back
to Italy in a month

because I hate
American men.

Do you still
want a date?

It's not my fault
you cannot handle
a big set of melons.

I need to get her
fixed up for street.

We don't work
on junk yard cars here.

I thought Wally could make
every car be a star!

Wally could,
but Wally's gone.

His kids forced him
into retirement.

Said he was
getting useless.

He's was put out to pasture.
Much like you should do
with this car.

If you got your heart
bent on it,

leave it here
and I'll take it back
to the junk yard myself.

Where's Wally now?

[soft music]

[swing music]

Beautiful, isn't she?

Beautiful isn't the word.

Solid frame.

Nice, nice!

Yeah.

She needs a new
front end at least.

She looks good
to me.

Front and rear
is smoking!

Ooh, I wanna get under her
and see what she's packing.

[ladies giggle]

If this left hand
could still stretch
for the ninth cord,

those O'Maley widows
would be ours!

[singing]
Dom-di-dom-dom.

[all sing and laugh]

We gotta get her
fixed up for street.

I'm sure if you guys
can help,

I'm willing to take
a leap of faith.

[thump]

It takes more
than a slick car
and a fast dream

and a leap of faith
to win the big race.

It's big shoulders
and wide eyes.

And steel balls.

You crashed last year
because your reflexes
were too slow.

Have they gotten
any quicker this year?

She'll need an engine
overhaul. All the rockers,
timing change.

Labor's free.
You pay for the parts
we get at Mean Mike's.

That's due on the day
of the race.

This way you'll have
the same chance
as anybody else.

Assuming that
your reflexes are
as fast on the track

as they were
on the garage today.

There's the loaner.

[all laugh]

(Bill)
She loves Carlini's.

Specially the mussels
and clams appetizer with
the eggplant Parmesan entree.

Although she's not too crazy
about all the cheese.

(Lance)
We'll start with
the mussels and the clams.

For the entree, two eggplant
Parmesans, please.

Go easy
on the mozzarella.

You got this so perfect.

Sometimes you have
to take chances.

To taking chances?

I was taking a chance
the night you met me.

Dancing?

Sometimes I like to do
crazy things just to see
if I will actually do them.

Me, too.

That's why I was Samurai Sal.
I was doing fine
until you came along.

I wanted to give
those kids a treat.

I love kids.

They can just always
be themselves.

I hate people who have
to put on an act.

Me, too.

That's why I'm moving back
to Italy in a month.

I don't have
many friends here.

I haven't had
a close friend in years.

Unless you include Max.

I love my Max.
I love all animals, actually.

Except for birds.

Like rats with wings.

To our Maxes.

You said you just
got out of a relationship.

What happened
to that friend?

He was not
the best looking man.

But, uh, he was sweet
and loyal.

It's a hard combination
to find in a man.

He started to do something
that I cannot stand for.

What's that?

He started to do--

He started to, uh--

Started to--

How do you say?

He started to--

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Now?
Uh, yeah, no.

I must go.

Do you want me--

No.
Sit, enjoy your food

and, um, I will make
this up to you.

He started to lie
about who he was

and not being himself.

Do you understand?

Kind of.

(Lance)
You lied.

I told her
I was a Navy Seal.

What else?

That I was a master chef.

I can't even toast
a Pop Tart.

Okay, just calm down.

Calm down.

I have already devised
a plan for reconciliation.

Every girl
has got the perfect man

that she dreams about
spending the rest
of her life with.

Not so much as looks,
you know,
but his personality.

His dreams.
His desires.

I'm gonna find out
what that perfect man is
and become him.

She'll fall for me.
Actually, Mr. Fix It.

So much that she'll cancel
her move back to Italy.

She's moving back
to Italy?

When she cancels her move,
she's fallen for Mr. Fix It.

Then,

I'll reveal that
all the reasons
she fell for me are lies.

Lies told on an effort
to become her good friend
for those two weeks.

But now that she's
cancelled the move,
she's gotta know the truth

because I don't want
a relationship and
I don't want to fall in love.

It'll make your lies
look like childhood fibs.

She'll be in such a tale spin,
she's gonna need someone
to hold on to.

That's where you come in.

Will it work?

Take a leap of faith!

Now, do you have anything
that'll remind her of you?

I have this candelabra
on my coffee table.
She loves it.

Great.
Send it to this address.

Oh, and, uh--

learn some of this, uh?

She likes it
when you speak Italian.

(singer)
Hello, babe,
what's going on?

[electronic music]

[clapping and cheering]

(announcer)
Don't forget tonight until
10:30 all drinks 50% off.

[electronic music]

Hope you left
your cellphone at home

'cause I'm not letting you
get off so easy.

I never get off easy.

Two Jack and Cokes.
Easy on the Coke.

Gutsy.

I like a man
who takes control.

I saw you.
You like when people watch.

There's a better view
from upstairs.

This place lets people
forget their troubles.

They're much more free.

[belches]

I like a girl
who can drink.

Come on.

[pop music]

I told you
it's a better view
from up here.

Look at them.

Do you want
to be free, Lance?

Dance with me.

Dance with me.

It's been a long time since--

You bitch.

Sorry?

You gotta be kidding me.

You know this guy?

No.

Okay, pal.
Why don't you go home
and sleep it off?

All I wanna know
is why you did it.

I'm gonna put this
as nicely as possible.

[smash]

Ugh!
Oh!

[salsa music]

I'm gonna break
your face!

It's getting stuffed in here.
Let's get some air.

[mambo music]

I want to dance.

What are they doing?

I want to dance.

Let's dance.

Whoa!

[cheering and clapping]

[mambo music resumes]

[laughs]

Come, come.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Ta-ra.

I rescue this damsel
in distress

and all she has for me
is her laugh.

And a kiss.

Ugh!
But you are still a frog.

(Sophia)
I like a man who can dance.

You like a man who can dance
and who takes control.

So far, you know,
I'm two for two.

What else do you like?
What is your perfect man?

I like a man
who is spontaneous.

Let's fly to Paris
right now.

I like a man
who is romantic.

Shall I compare thee
to summer's day?

Thou art more lovely.

I like a man
who is cocky.

Falling in love with me,
aren't you?

I like a man
who is funny.

What do you get when
you cross an elephant
with a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

I like a man who sacrifices
making a lot of money
to pursue a dream.

A dream which he can reach
and one which he cannot wait
to share with me.

And I like a man who is
in touch with the child
that lives inside,

and he likes to play
childish games,

and he's not embarrassed
to play them with me.

And I like a man who is willing
to take a leap of faith.

And I can see his faith in us
every time he looks at me,

and I can feel it
in his touch every time
he caresses me.

But most of all,

I like a man
who knows how to quit
when he's ahead.

(Lance)
Every year this town holds
a Citrus Beach street car race

for anyone who qualifies.
It's quite the event.

People come
from miles away to watch.

If you win, you get to race
in the Clearway 200.

Professional drivers,
professional track.

If you win in street,
it's the best chance
to get on the circuit.

Is that your dream?

That's why I'm in this town.
This year's gonna be my year.

Where is
your dream machine?

It is beautiful.

I want to be the first
to give you a victory kiss.

You're not afraid
of racing cars?

Takes a lot more than that
to scare me.

Me, too.

[barking]

Hi, Max.
Hello.

Hello.
Hello!

[glasses clink]

My ex has a candelabra
just like these.

He did have god taste.

Do you miss him?

I don't miss the lying.

And I certainly don't miss
how he always wanted
to have sex

in the middle
of a touching moment.

Who is this?

That's my dad.
He's a good driver.

Came here to race
when I was a kid.

Did he race a lot?

He was always taking me
to see the cars.

I loved the cars.
He truly felt
I could do anything

as long as I believed
that dreams come true.

He always said that.

Do you see him often?

He died
when I was 18.

He had a great smile.

When I close my eyes
and see him,

he's always smiling.

You have his smile.

Can I rip off your panties
and make love to you
right now?

No!

I'm not wearing
any panties.

[barks]

[moaning]

We shouldn't do this.

No.

[moans]

[barks]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[laughs]

[telephone rings]

Phone, phone.

Hello?

Tonight?

Uh, um, I'll--

I'll pack some
up on the way.

Okay. Okay.

I must go.

Good bye my... good friend.

[door opens and closes]

(Dan)
Seems like everybody's
got a girlfriend.

Even I got a girlfriend.
I hate to tell you this, Lance,

but it looks like
you're the last man standing.

Sure I am.

What's the big deal
about love, anyway?

These people
seem to need it.

Do you think these people
really feel true love?

Or is it just companionship?

Excuse me, sir.

Immediately after you finish
making love,

do you think about
how fortunate it is to share
such unconditional intimacy,

or do you just fall asleep?

What do you think?

But I don't snore,
do I, honey?

Hey, you.
When you set
the alarm at night,

do you give yourself
and extra half hour
just so you can hold her?

(man)
Ouch!

When you're together
and there's silence,

do you think about
what the other's thinking?

I think about the dog
I wanna get.

You don't think about me?

This place makes me sick.

Wait!
This Italian girl
does crazy things

just to see
if she can do them.

Can dance the mambo
blindfolded.

Isn't afraid of racing cars
and you feel nothing.

She's a job.
A job that's about
to kick in overdrive.

Oh, no.

The pretty and pig stage.

That's right.

Time to make her love me
like a montage
in a bad '80s movie.

# I never needed love #

# Like I need you #

# And I'll never live
For nobody #

# But I'll live for you #

# Ooh, babe, #

# Lost in love
Is what I feel #

# When I'm with you #

# Baby, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# I get chills
When I'm with you #

# Oh, oh. Ooh, oh, oh #

# Woh, oh, woh, woh #

# Baby, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# I get chills
When I'm with you #

What are you thinking?

The ocean.

It's loud.

There's really nothing
to look at except water.

And it smells
like fish.

Yet, it is so soothing.

My grandma,
she lives on the beach
in Italy.

And all she does
is sit on her deck
and stare at the waves.

As if each one
is a different memory.

Couple more days
and you'll be seeing her.

My ex-boyfriend is here.

Go say hello.

Grazie.

(Lance)
Just like I said.

Say hi.

Better keep you
in her mind.

He's a sweet man.

A liar but sweet.

He actually said
that I was his true love.

It's funny.

Why?

Don't you believe
true love exists?

Don't ask me.

You should ask someone
who has lived.

[soft music]

(Wally)
Wanna know if
we believe in what?

True love.

Sure. The kind of love
that grows deeper
as the years progress.

Exactly.

See if that fixed it.

- [engine grinds]
- Hold it, hold it.

So, what you wanna know
is if we believe in true love.

Yeah. We've all been
lucky enough to find it
at least once in our life.

Don't you believe
that it exists?

I think I'm incapable of it.

[men laugh]

(Wally)
Incapable?

You're afraid.

Look at you.
Young and vibrant.

You have the whole
world in your grasp.

Maybe that's why
you don't have love
in your life.

You're afraid
if you fall in love,

maybe you'll lose
all of that.

And you'll end up like we did.
Like, uh, they say--
What do they say we were?

(together)
Useless.

Yeah.

Useless.

Ah. Ah!

Bingo.

You fixed it?

No. We have to go
to Bingo.

If we don't leave now,

we're not gonna
be able to sit across
from the O'Maley widows.

Don't worry about it, kid.
You'll figure it out.

[engine roars]

[engine roars]

Wally and the boys
say good luck.

It looks great, Lance.
You're up.

That is for luck.

There's lot
of good racers here.

You know, I think
I need more luck.

The thin track,
luck, and sometimes
play rolling--

Sun can sometimes--

(announcer)
Lance Valenteen,
please sign in.

Lance Valenteen,
please sign in.

Coming, coming!

[thrilling music]
[engine roars]

(Wally over intercom)
What do you think, Lance?

[both laugh]

It's like
a dream come true.

Spread the word, Lance.

Yeah. That us old folks
ain't got useless after all.

Spread the word.

[thrilling music]

[engine roars]

[tires screech]
[engine roars]

How is he doing?

Not bad.

[laughs]

[laughing]

You're in, Lance.
Best time, yet.
See you Sunday.

Too bad you're not
gonna be around
to see me race.

I'm not going anywhere.

Bu-- but Italy--

I cancelled my move, Lance.
There is no way
I'm going to miss this.

You'll have the money
for the parts, right?

I sure will.

That's all
we gotta say?

And you'll give us
all those tickets?

Yeah.

You want me to pull away
after she sees me
and the dog.

You got an extra
set of keys, right?

We'll just park it
round the corner.

[rock music]

[ding-dong]

Lance-a-rooney!

Hi, Pops.
How about dinner
tomorrow night?

Sure.

I know this is gonna
sound strange.

But, uh, I was wondering
if you could wait--

(Lance)
Tomorrow is D-day.

This is how
is gonna work.

Sophia loves dogs.

She loves my dog Max.

(Lance)
At 6:30 she's gonna
arrive at my house

for an evening
of dinner and dance.

As she walks up,

she'll see the local
dog catcher
parked outside my house.

Caged in the back
will be Max,

being driven away
to a seemingly helpless fate.

Then at 6:32,

what happened
to the inner child
that she treasures in a man?

A group of kids
who know Sophia
from Go Karts

will tell her
they've seen her with me.

They'll beg her to talk
some sense into me.

I threatened to beat them up
when they played their loud
stupid games

outside my house.

I broke a bike one time
I got so mad.

I love car racing.

My dream is to win street.

Following your dream
is very important to her.

More important than money.

At 6:40 she'll think
that fixing up my Camaro
was not to pursue my dream

but to make a quick buck.

There will be two guys
high-fiving each other
excited to race street.

Excited because
they just bought a rare.

Then, at 6:44
she enters my house.

My recently acquired house,
since she thinks
I just moved to town.

She'll start asking
all these questions.

The car,
the kids, the dog.

Then she'll see my bird
and be like,

"You have a bird?
You hate birds."

In an effort
to calm her down,
I'll ask her to sit by me.

When she does,

I'll show her my
Citrus Beach High School
yearbook.

She'll realize
I didn't just move to town.

I've lived here all my life.

That's when I tell her
that everything

has been a lie.

I'm not who you think I am.

(Lance)
I'll tell her.

I'm actually... a liar.

Max was my dog,
I hate birds,

I love to do childish things.
I'm new in this town.
My dream is to race cars.

They were all lies.
Lies told on an effort
to become your good friend

until you left for Italy.
But now that
you're not leaving,

I can't continue the lying,
and I certainly
can't continue to see you.

(Lance)
At that point
she'll probably stand up,

throw something at me,
and leave.

To top it off,
as she's leaving

she'll see my father
on the other side of the door.

Alive and well.

At 7:45 you surprise her
with a dozen roses
and a sympathetic shoulder.

Right now, your lies
are the farthest thing
from her mind.

My life will be complete
if this works.

So will mine.

It has to work,
'cause she's
the only one for me

and I don't wanna
grow old alone.

That would suck.

Hurry up.
You're the one
who wanted to do this.

I feel like
I'm 20 years old.

Alright, maybe 40.

Lad, a little help.

Oh!

[playing double bass]

# Some day #

# When I'm awfully low #

# When the world is cold #

# I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you #

# And the way
You look tonight #

# With each word #

# Your tenderness grows #

# Tearing my fears apart #

[full band joins in]

# And that laugh #

# That wrinkles your nose #

# Touches my foolish heart #

[full band joins in]

# Lovely #

# Never, never change #

# Keep that breathless charm #

# Won't you please
Arrange it? #

# 'Cause I love you #

# Just the way
You look tonight #

# And that laugh #

# That wrinkles your nose #

# Touches my foolish heart #

# Lovely #

# Never, never change #

# Keep that
Breathless charm #

# Won't you please
arrange it? #

# 'Cause I love you #

# Just the way you look #

# Tonight #

# Just the way you look #

# Tonight #

[cheering and clapping]

I can't remember
the last time I ran so fast.

I don't feel
so useless now.

Did you see that,
Lance?

[men laugh]

I'm not sure
what I'm seeing.

[knocking at door]

Surprise!

Sophia,
you didn't need to--

What I need
and what I want
is seldom different.

[telephone rings]

Yes.

I'm on my way.

I have to run, but, um,
I will come back later.

We go dancing, yes?

Why do you always
get called away?

You want to see my dream?

(Sophia)
This country
is the only country

that does not cherish
its elders.

It thinks they're, um,
how do you say?

Useless?

My dream is to change
all that

by showing how much
older people can still give.

Who knows?

It might even reveal
the secret to life.

She's ready for you now.

I apologize,
but you just never know
when they're ready to open up.

Grazie.

(Sophia)
She was beautiful.

Come.

(Sophia)
Thank you so much.

I brought a friend today,
Ms. Cliverhorn.

Okay. Whenever
you're ready.

I thought about your question

and it kept me up several
nights as it did others.

I thought it was
a difficult question,

but actually
it's quite simple.

When I was young,
about your age,

I was fascinated
with old people.

I watched them
as if they were
warning signs of life.

"Be careful or some day
you'll be old."

It made me believe
that the secret of life
was staying young.

No responsibilities,
no worries, no problems.

As long as I remained
spontaneous, playful,
and carefree,

I would never become old.

Unfortunately,
possessing those qualities
had a bitter side effect.

Loneliness.

When I was young
I didn't notice the loneliness,
but as I got older

staying young became
more and more difficult.

Loneliness, I realized,
was starting to make me old.

But instead of finding somebody
to be spontaneous, playful,
and carefree with me,

I continued lying to myself.

As so many do.

Until now.

The secret of life
isn't staying young.

The secret of life is finding
a love that grows fonder
as you grow older.

It's what many call true love.

Because when you have
true love you feel young,
no matter what age you are.

True love
makes you young.

Do you understand?

Bill. Bill!

What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, hey, Lance.
What's up?
I'll be right back, okay?

How're you doing?

Who's that?

Uh, Carol.

Great kisser
but not the brightest ball
in the house.

Which is good, 'cause it'll
make it easier to cheat
on Sophia when I get her back.

But you were
so distraught.

I'm paying you
to do a job.

If you'll excuse me,
I need to get her home

so I can prepare
for my big night.

'Cause I hate for you
to have to give me that car
and miss the race

since it seems you already
used my refund money
to fix it up.

Right?

[car engine starts]

You're dating that guy
who races go karts, right?

You seem like a nice lady
but... that guy is crazy.

Look what he did
to my bicycle.

(Sophia)
You are sure
this is Lance?

Lives in there?
It's him.

Sorry to tell you
all this, lady.

But he's making our lives
living hell.

He doesn't even
take showers.

I'll talk to him.

Thanks, lady.

[man laughs]
We got us
a new ride, baby.

This baby's taking me
to the promised land.

Yeah!

[engine starts]

[tires screech]

[door opens]

I just saw Max
an-- and these boys.

They said
you've been hurting them.
You car, did you sell it?

Where is Max going?
And--

A bird?

I thought you hated birds.

Calm down.
Just... sit here.

I don't understand.

It's 1995.

You said you just moved here.

I needed you to see
all this because...

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm actually--

You are actually what?

I'm actually...

Mr. Fix It.

I was hired by
your ex-boyfriend Bill

to make you
get back with him.

You broke up with him
because of his lying.

I was supposed
to get you to fall for me

and then tell you
everything was lies.

His lies wouldn't
look that bad.
I can't do it

because
I've fallen for you.

So thi-- this is all
been a job.

Yes!

No!

I haven't been Mr. Fix It.
I've been who I've never
been able to be.

Myself.

Well, I never
want to see you again.

Listen to me, okay?

Look, I'm in love with you.

Love?

What do you know
about love?

I can't think of tomorrow
without thinking of you.

And that makes me,
for the first time ever,

look forward
to the rest of my life.

Please!

Don't open that door.

[clapping]

[whistling and clapping]

[no Italian accent]
I am actually

Karen Shawnassy.

Also known as Ms. Fix It.

My employees.

Bill Smith.
Maggy Cliverhorn.

Also of course your friends

who hired me to prove to you
that you really are capable
of love after all.

I hope you realize
what a special gift it is.

Because to go through life
without love,
is to never live at all.

I believe you owe us
a refund.

No exceptions whatsoever.

[keys clink]

It's around the corner.

If it's any consolation,

I was really starting--

[rock music]

[engines roaring]

Hey, Lance.

The guys have known
about Mr. Fix It
for a long time.

I'm sorry.

We just... wanted to show you
how important love is.

Well... congratulations.
You succeeded.

Come on.
I've got a surprise for you.

I've had enough surprises.

Yeah, I know, but, uh,
this one's really fast.

Hey, Lance.

It's all yours.

It's ready for action.

Listen to me.

Stay alert.
Watch the sides.
Keep it even.

And do not be afraid
to make a mistake.

Even a great car
can make a mistake.

No matter how good she feels
or how good she looks.

And that's when the driver
has to be forgiving.

Because that's the only way
you're gonna get
to the finish line.

I questioned early on
whether or not

you were gonna be
my last case.

You see,
things started to feel
just different with you.

And the more time
we spent together,

the more caring
started to come out.

Hey.

Hey.
How's it going?

I actually think
he's really cute.

Oh-oh.

Do you think
these socks are too much?

(Sophia)
And I questioned
for the first time

if I was capable
of such deception.

And I realized
in the end that--

I wasn't.

See, you have allowed me
to just be me as well.

I'm Karen Shawnassy.

And as of today
I've started a new career.

Race car ownership.

And, uh, I'd like you
to me my driver.

Grazie.

[laughing]

(Wally)
Let's go win a race.

[clapping]

[cheering]

[revs engine]

Wow.
Really looks good,
don't you think, ladies?

Oh, nice and firm.

It's got some miles
but that makes
for a smoother ride.

And I can't wait
to check that dipstick.

[engines roar]

Let's go!

# I can't be anything
Without you #

# Don't you know? #

# It's a shame #

# I'm sitting at my desk
And it's noontime #

# And I want #

# Just to call you #

# 'Cause we go together #

# Just like jam and bread
or maybe birds of a feather #

# I don't know anything
About you #

# Don't you know #

# That's the game? #

# I'm sitting on my bed,
And I wonder #

# What will it take #

# For you to call me #

# 'Cause we go together #

# Just like jam and bread
Or maybe birds of a feather #

# Hey, can't you hear me? #

# When I shout out loud #

# I'm wishing
You could be near me #

# I don't care
if the bills are paid #

# As long as she is with me #

# I don't care
If my soul is saved #

# As long as she
Forgives me #

# I don't care
If the moon is wrong #

# Wishing and not hoping #

# I don't need to be
An astronaut #

# As long you are
Ki-ki-kissing me ##