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We're taking a four-week bicycle
trip through the vineyards of Italy!
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We figure that this summer,
our whole lives
8
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are gonna be turned upside-down
9
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when Haley, Dylan,
and their twins move in with us,
10
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so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?
11
00:00:32,094 --> 00:00:33,661
So we've been hitting
the language tapes,
12
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the, uh... the stationary bikes,
13
00:00:35,631 --> 00:00:38,165
and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire
14
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to prepare her for that
timeless Roman charm.
15
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I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's
16
00:00:44,373 --> 00:00:45,706
talking about going to Italy,
17
00:00:45,808 --> 00:00:47,074
it's actually happening.
18
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[Italian accent] Ohh, American lady!
19
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Why do you do this to me?
20
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:53,747
Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.
21
00:00:53,849 --> 00:00:54,782
- [Music plays]
- [Normal voice] What's that?
22
00:00:54,884 --> 00:00:58,886
Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us
into a converted castle in Tuscany
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- for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat?
24
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I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.
25
00:01:03,526 --> 00:01:04,658
Looks like we're getting a refund,
26
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,460
which means that we can afford to...
27
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To pay the dwarf who
will lower the drawbridge
28
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if we answer his riddles three?
29
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I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.
30
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This trip was such a great idea.
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- Oh, I know.
- Ah. Mwah!
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- Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.
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It's weird to think
people will be calling us
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- Grandpa and...
- No, please don't say it.
35
00:01:21,510 --> 00:01:23,677
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
36
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:26,113
But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.
37
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- Gammy.
- Gammy.
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Well, let's take her for a spin.
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"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!"
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"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."
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- Yeah, it does. It works.
- Mm. Yeah.
42
00:01:36,525 --> 00:01:38,859
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?
43
00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:40,961
What is with all the boxes and the bags?
44
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Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,
45
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but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.
46
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- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
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- Yes.
- You look mad.
48
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I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
49
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I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment
50
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[voice breaking] if you
weren't happy about it.
51
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But you're not unhappy about it, right?
52
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- Right?!
- Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
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Oh, my gosh,
you're the best. I love you so much.
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- [Chuckles]
- [Inhales deeply]
55
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Wow! What a journey.
56
00:02:04,053 --> 00:02:06,553
What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?
57
00:02:06,656 --> 00:02:07,688
Oh, wait,
there was one more thing, um...
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Woman: Hey,
where should I put these boxes?
59
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My mom surprised us. We were hoping
she could stay a couple days.
60
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Hello, hello!
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Well, it's about time we officially met,
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considering our DNA is
already swirling around
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- in Haley's womb.
- [Chuckles]
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Phil.
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- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
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- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
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[Smooches]
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- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.
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- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people
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with my work in the protest movement.
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00:02:34,884 --> 00:02:37,551
Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
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- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah
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- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,
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I just need two weight-bearing
hooks spaced seven feet apart.
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This kimono converts to a hammock.
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Ah.
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- Travel agent: Pronto!
- Italy!
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- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
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- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.
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- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!
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Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
82
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- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!
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No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets.
84
00:03:01,310 --> 00:03:02,943
Is that the way she
treats all head injuries?
85
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Because I've got a theory.
86
00:03:12,755 --> 00:03:15,756
♪
87
00:03:19,137 --> 00:03:22,029
I want to give these old
toys to Haley's babies.
88
00:03:22,131 --> 00:03:24,732
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
89
00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:27,901
Now I have room in the
closet for my lizard.
90
00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:31,538
Lizard? I thought that you were
just going to the pet shop to look.
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I can't say no to that face.
92
00:03:33,376 --> 00:03:35,342
You're gonna have to be bad cop
'til puberty,
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00:03:35,444 --> 00:03:36,810
you know,
when the Pritchett Adam's apple
94
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,679
and fuzz-stache show up.
95
00:03:38,781 --> 00:03:42,049
Manny, you should also give
something for the twins.
96
00:03:42,151 --> 00:03:44,017
You both are gonna be uncles.
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00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,887
That's a very proud
tradition in our family.
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That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro
99
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:52,025
was a famous South
American freedom fighter.
100
00:03:52,128 --> 00:03:55,262
You're kidding? My Great Uncle
Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
101
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We're four sentences away from
realizing they killed each other, right?
102
00:03:58,467 --> 00:04:02,002
Joe, next week, you have to go
to school dressed as a hero.
103
00:04:02,104 --> 00:04:04,138
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
104
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,706
Or Uncle Erasmus.
105
00:04:05,875 --> 00:04:07,775
Ay, Jay, that's cute,
106
00:04:07,877 --> 00:04:10,744
but Alvaro was not only a war hero.
107
00:04:10,846 --> 00:04:13,213
He was a celebrated matador,
108
00:04:13,315 --> 00:04:15,783
Frida Kahlo's tango instructor,
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00:04:15,885 --> 00:04:21,155
two-time winner of the Bogota
Herald cartoon caption contest.
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00:04:21,257 --> 00:04:23,257
No disrespect,
but I don't think he was fit to shine
111
00:04:23,359 --> 00:04:25,292
Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,
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00:04:25,394 --> 00:04:29,263
which, incidentally,
were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback
113
00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:32,933
he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
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00:04:33,035 --> 00:04:34,835
Did he kill all his clothes?
115
00:04:34,937 --> 00:04:37,070
He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
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00:04:37,173 --> 00:04:39,239
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it
117
00:04:39,341 --> 00:04:41,041
he punched out of a puma.
118
00:04:42,344 --> 00:04:43,544
Jay does this all the time.
119
00:04:43,646 --> 00:04:46,013
He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.
120
00:04:46,115 --> 00:04:48,515
I mean, I'm not buying this
Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
121
00:04:48,617 --> 00:04:49,917
I say we do a little digging.
122
00:04:50,019 --> 00:04:53,821
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga,
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00:04:53,923 --> 00:04:58,158
the turtle detective in Uncle
Alvaro's popular children's book.
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00:04:58,260 --> 00:05:02,830
He was always very
slowly solving crimes.
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00:05:02,932 --> 00:05:06,366
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,
126
00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:07,634
but not much was written about him.
127
00:05:07,736 --> 00:05:09,002
[Machine whirring]
128
00:05:11,273 --> 00:05:13,040
- [Sighs]
- [Groans]
129
00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:15,809
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
130
00:05:15,911 --> 00:05:17,010
Again, I'm so sorry abou...
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00:05:17,112 --> 00:05:18,879
You'll have to return
these within two weeks.
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Unlike my phone calls!
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00:05:21,684 --> 00:05:23,116
Señor.
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00:05:23,185 --> 00:05:27,654
We had to dig deeper, and since
history is written by the victors...
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00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:31,358
Muchas gracias.
136
00:05:31,427 --> 00:05:33,360
I brought my own.
137
00:05:33,429 --> 00:05:35,295
Manny:
Mexican sources had a bit more to say
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00:05:35,364 --> 00:05:39,233
- about his actual involvement in the Alamo.
- [Gasps]
139
00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:40,334
[Camera shutter clicks]
140
00:05:41,604 --> 00:05:43,904
- Okay.
- Oh, really?
141
00:05:44,006 --> 00:05:46,173
You want to give away the
very first Gucci hoodie
142
00:05:46,242 --> 00:05:48,475
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"
143
00:05:48,544 --> 00:05:50,911
is why our retirement
planner fired us as clients.
144
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:53,213
Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?
145
00:05:53,282 --> 00:05:54,548
- They really need this stuff.
- I know.
146
00:05:54,617 --> 00:05:56,950
I-I-I still can't
believe she's pregnant.
147
00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,886
- Although...
- I know you're about to say something catty.
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You're practically purring.
149
00:06:00,022 --> 00:06:02,756
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s?
150
00:06:02,825 --> 00:06:04,458
You know, we have a saying back home...
151
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,160
"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."
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00:06:07,229 --> 00:06:08,695
Okay, you're clutching a
Dolce & Gabbana onesie...
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00:06:08,797 --> 00:06:09,997
decide who you are.
154
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,698
And, by the way,
it's not like your family
155
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,567
doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?
156
00:06:13,669 --> 00:06:15,520
Pam's not exactly responsible.
157
00:06:15,538 --> 00:06:17,704
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman
158
00:06:17,773 --> 00:06:19,740
win her prison's
"Most Improved Wrestler" award?
159
00:06:19,842 --> 00:06:20,941
Okay, let's just admit
160
00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:23,143
we have wild women on
both sides of the family.
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00:06:23,212 --> 00:06:25,345
[Laughs] Oh, God. Maybe it's good
162
00:06:25,447 --> 00:06:26,980
Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
163
00:06:27,049 --> 00:06:28,348
She sure wasn't. If anything,
164
00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:30,797
I'm worried she acts a
little young for her age.
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00:06:30,886 --> 00:06:33,320
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old
166
00:06:33,422 --> 00:06:35,722
for these unicorns
and teddy bears and...
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00:06:35,824 --> 00:06:38,358
[Gasps] My... Playgirl?
168
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:40,060
Oh! Oh, God.
169
00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:41,361
Where... Where did she get that?
170
00:06:41,463 --> 00:06:43,664
I didn't even know
they still made these.
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00:06:43,766 --> 00:06:46,099
Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.
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00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:47,267
Okay, you're getting off track.
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00:06:47,369 --> 00:06:49,369
Our daughter is looking
at [whispering] naked men.
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00:06:49,471 --> 00:06:51,138
I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.
175
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,040
You know, my parents never talked to me
176
00:06:53,142 --> 00:06:54,341
- about anything sexual.
- [Sighs]
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They just sent me to the stables
when the horses were breeding,
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00:06:58,013 --> 00:07:00,914
and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.
179
00:07:04,264 --> 00:07:06,379
No way! Who told her that?
180
00:07:06,481 --> 00:07:08,314
She... Uh-oh.
181
00:07:08,383 --> 00:07:10,750
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
182
00:07:10,852 --> 00:07:12,418
Both: Hey!
183
00:07:12,453 --> 00:07:14,253
So, listen, we need
to talk to you about something.
184
00:07:14,322 --> 00:07:15,654
We, uh... We found a...
185
00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:17,123
- a magazine in your room.
- Whoa!
186
00:07:17,191 --> 00:07:19,458
- [Groans]
- There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
187
00:07:19,494 --> 00:07:21,193
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through
188
00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:23,329
a very exciting period of... of change
189
00:07:23,398 --> 00:07:25,998
- and... and hormones. And... And...
- And, um, urges.
190
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,133
Got it. Solid parenting.
191
00:07:27,201 --> 00:07:28,134
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
192
00:07:28,202 --> 00:07:29,301
- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart. Come on.
193
00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:31,003
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
194
00:07:31,072 --> 00:07:34,540
You shouldn't be ashamed about
wondering or being curious about sex.
195
00:07:34,609 --> 00:07:36,575
You know, the mingling of bodies
196
00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:38,844
can be a beautiful expression of love.
197
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,313
Stop! They have classes
about this in school,
198
00:07:41,349 --> 00:07:42,982
and if you don't want me
looking at magazines like that,
199
00:07:43,051 --> 00:07:45,184
don't leave them on the sofa!
200
00:07:45,286 --> 00:07:46,852
The sofa? How did...
201
00:07:46,921 --> 00:07:48,154
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.
202
00:07:48,256 --> 00:07:50,022
I don't... Ah, the babysitter.
203
00:07:50,058 --> 00:07:52,324
Or, you know, Haley, or...
or Pam, or Claire.
204
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,493
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.
205
00:07:54,562 --> 00:07:57,063
Wait a minute. This is from 1997.
206
00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:00,800
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
207
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,636
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?
208
00:08:03,704 --> 00:08:05,938
Why... Wha...
I don't even know who that is.
209
00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:09,141
He was on the...
you know, the cheesy sci-fi show,
210
00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:12,044
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?
211
00:08:12,113 --> 00:08:14,613
You know,
kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?
212
00:08:14,682 --> 00:08:15,881
They had that saying, you know?
213
00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:18,084
Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
214
00:08:18,152 --> 00:08:19,885
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!
215
00:08:19,954 --> 00:08:21,487
Don't... Don't you crinkle it.
216
00:08:21,556 --> 00:08:23,789
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
217
00:08:23,858 --> 00:08:25,324
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?
218
00:08:25,426 --> 00:08:27,093
He was brooding and handsome
219
00:08:27,161 --> 00:08:29,695
and obsessed with an
uptight yet sexy redhead.
220
00:08:29,764 --> 00:08:31,430
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance
221
00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:32,898
with David Duchovny because, look.
222
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,166
One of his turn-offs
223
00:08:34,235 --> 00:08:36,001
- is "dishonest people."
- [Sighs]
224
00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,504
And why is it just
lying around the house?
225
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:41,207
I was bringing the trash bins
into the garage the other day,
226
00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:43,375
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
227
00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:45,911
I got nostalgic,
and I decided to flip through it.
228
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:48,013
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
- Yeah.
229
00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:50,015
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,
230
00:08:50,118 --> 00:08:53,018
took it back to the bedroom,
and had a rather spectacular... session?
231
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:54,987
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,
232
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,856
it was the first time in
years I'd seen your eyes
233
00:08:56,924 --> 00:08:58,357
roll back in your head without irony.
234
00:08:58,426 --> 00:09:00,059
Well, excuse me
if I am attracted to you.
235
00:09:00,128 --> 00:09:02,228
Except it wasn't just me, was it?
236
00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:03,662
There were three of us in that bed.
237
00:09:03,731 --> 00:09:05,431
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
238
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:08,234
Apparently,
I should've sent six to David Duchovny.
239
00:09:08,336 --> 00:09:09,668
Oh, come on!
240
00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:13,005
So what? I got a little extra worked
up after looking at a sexy picture.
241
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:14,406
People do it all the time.
242
00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:17,143
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.
243
00:09:17,211 --> 00:09:19,378
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect
244
00:09:19,447 --> 00:09:21,981
with you on an emotional level.
245
00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:23,749
Know what? I'm going to the gym.
246
00:09:23,851 --> 00:09:25,551
And good news, David Duchovny.
247
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,486
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.
248
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:33,225
Can you please hand me my iPod?
249
00:09:33,294 --> 00:09:34,527
You've robbed me of my dignity.
250
00:09:34,595 --> 00:09:37,196
You will not also rob
me of my glorious exit.
251
00:09:37,298 --> 00:09:38,564
Thank you!
252
00:09:40,168 --> 00:09:41,333
There you go, buddy.
253
00:09:41,402 --> 00:09:43,302
Now you look like a real hero.
254
00:09:43,404 --> 00:09:45,871
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.
255
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,106
It's not sharp at all.
256
00:09:47,175 --> 00:09:49,175
And neither, apparently, are you.
257
00:09:49,277 --> 00:09:51,877
I told you if we waited a few minutes
he'd give us a delicious segue.
258
00:09:51,946 --> 00:09:56,148
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett
was a hero at the Alamo...
259
00:09:56,217 --> 00:09:57,716
but for the other side.
260
00:09:57,785 --> 00:09:59,485
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,
261
00:09:59,587 --> 00:10:02,421
then stole a dress and escaped
by pretending to be a prostitute.
262
00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:03,856
What?! I don't believe you.
263
00:10:03,925 --> 00:10:06,091
These are official church documents.
264
00:10:06,194 --> 00:10:09,628
In this part,
it says that he traded military secrets
265
00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:11,363
for rum and a new corset.
266
00:10:11,432 --> 00:10:13,899
"To this day,
in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus'
267
00:10:13,968 --> 00:10:16,168
means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"
268
00:10:16,237 --> 00:10:18,671
There's a picture of him cringing.
269
00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:23,075
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.
270
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:24,643
It was wartime, Joe!
271
00:10:24,712 --> 00:10:27,680
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.
272
00:10:27,782 --> 00:10:31,083
He spent his post-war years spreading
the gospel of vegetarianism.
273
00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:32,751
I have no uncle.
274
00:10:35,590 --> 00:10:37,623
- Oh. [Coughs]
- This homeopathic remedy
275
00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:40,059
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.
276
00:10:40,127 --> 00:10:41,594
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula
277
00:10:41,696 --> 00:10:43,095
I met in an Uber pool.
278
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,263
Well, you were right about one thing.
279
00:10:44,332 --> 00:10:47,866
It does... It does smell like a
buffalo that was struck by lightning.
280
00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:49,635
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?
281
00:10:49,737 --> 00:10:51,604
Oh, I'm done with that place.
282
00:10:51,706 --> 00:10:52,905
Oldest story in the world.
283
00:10:52,974 --> 00:10:55,407
You know, I thought I found a nice guy,
then one morning,
284
00:10:55,476 --> 00:10:57,243
he up and tells me he's
found six new women.
285
00:10:57,345 --> 00:10:59,778
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
286
00:10:59,847 --> 00:11:01,947
Coming back as Dylan's mother?
287
00:11:02,049 --> 00:11:03,782
Not funny, Mom.
288
00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:05,484
Not funny at all!
289
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,153
Buddy, are you sure you're okay?
290
00:11:08,222 --> 00:11:09,455
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
291
00:11:09,523 --> 00:11:11,857
By now there'd be clear
signs if I had a concursion.
292
00:11:13,561 --> 00:11:15,961
- [Whoosh]
- [Claire coughs]
293
00:11:16,063 --> 00:11:17,630
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
294
00:11:17,732 --> 00:11:19,331
She used to do a little modeling.
295
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,799
Recently, she had her likeness stolen
296
00:11:20,868 --> 00:11:23,035
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
297
00:11:26,374 --> 00:11:29,675
- [Gasps]
- Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
298
00:11:29,744 --> 00:11:31,844
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
299
00:11:31,912 --> 00:11:34,313
- [Rock music plays]
- ♪ Sex kitty ♪
300
00:11:34,415 --> 00:11:37,049
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
301
00:11:37,118 --> 00:11:39,051
♪ Sex kitty ♪
302
00:11:39,153 --> 00:11:40,753
- ♪ Se... ♪
- [Music stops]
303
00:11:40,821 --> 00:11:42,087
The songwriting isn't perfect,
304
00:11:42,156 --> 00:11:45,724
but this video changed everything.
305
00:11:45,793 --> 00:11:47,493
- [Rock music resumes]
- ♪ Ow! ♪
306
00:11:47,595 --> 00:11:49,695
♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪
307
00:11:49,764 --> 00:11:52,364
Those bikes don't live there, do they?
308
00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:54,633
'Cause that is an
ideal north-facing spot
309
00:11:54,702 --> 00:11:56,201
for a birthing tub.
310
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:59,305
I wasn't aware that Haley
was considering a home birth.
311
00:11:59,373 --> 00:12:01,573
Oh, I wasn't,
but then Farrah really opened up my eyes
312
00:12:01,676 --> 00:12:03,776
to the birth-industrial complex.
313
00:12:03,878 --> 00:12:07,179
You know, this room is kind of
vibrating with ancient wounds.
314
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,381
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
315
00:12:09,483 --> 00:12:11,550
Dylan, honey,
do you think you could grab that fan
316
00:12:11,619 --> 00:12:13,452
and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little?
317
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:15,521
Oh, my God.
318
00:12:15,623 --> 00:12:18,624
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?
319
00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,293
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
320
00:12:21,362 --> 00:12:24,063
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.
321
00:12:24,131 --> 00:12:26,065
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy
322
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,566
since I was a kid.
323
00:12:27,635 --> 00:12:28,967
Do you know how many
nights I went to bed
324
00:12:29,036 --> 00:12:31,270
screaming her name into a pillow?
325
00:12:31,339 --> 00:12:32,438
- Go on.
- [Inhales deeply]
326
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:33,505
[Glass shatters]
327
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:36,108
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!
328
00:12:36,177 --> 00:12:38,510
Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you?
329
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,346
Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month
330
00:12:40,381 --> 00:12:42,848
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.
331
00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:45,184
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?
332
00:12:45,252 --> 00:12:46,752
You know he has a nervous bowel.
333
00:12:46,854 --> 00:12:49,021
- Hi, girls!
- Girls: Gammy!
334
00:12:49,123 --> 00:12:50,656
Gammy?
335
00:12:50,725 --> 00:12:51,824
The girls call you Gammy?
336
00:12:51,892 --> 00:12:54,893
That's funny, because I was hoping
when Haley's twins came along,
337
00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:56,628
they might call me that.
338
00:12:56,697 --> 00:12:58,430
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
339
00:12:58,499 --> 00:13:00,099
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
340
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:02,167
- How about "Gaga"?
- Maybe we don't have to lock
341
00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:03,402
anything down right now.
342
00:13:03,504 --> 00:13:05,637
Oh, my God. I love it!
343
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:06,939
Hey, Gaga! [Laughs]
344
00:13:07,041 --> 00:13:09,808
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!
345
00:13:12,046 --> 00:13:13,245
I'll get him!
346
00:13:17,585 --> 00:13:19,017
- Do you see it, Phil?
- What?!
347
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,486
No, I didn't see anything, so...
348
00:13:20,588 --> 00:13:21,854
- Aah!
- Oh!
349
00:13:21,956 --> 00:13:24,156
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!
350
00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:25,357
If you weren't my hero,
351
00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,092
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!
352
00:13:27,194 --> 00:13:28,527
Oh, my God, Dad!
353
00:13:28,629 --> 00:13:30,162
What's wrong with him, Mom?
354
00:13:30,264 --> 00:13:32,498
- Mom?
- Claire?
355
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,933
Gaga?
356
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,268
Hey, handsome, this seat taken?
357
00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:41,436
Hey, what are you doing here?
358
00:13:41,505 --> 00:13:43,104
Well, I brought you a smoothie,
although,
359
00:13:43,206 --> 00:13:47,509
you don't need it because you're
already 100% fruity deliciousness.
360
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:48,610
Maybe I just get right to it.
361
00:13:48,678 --> 00:13:50,545
Look, Mitchell,
I appreciate what you're doing...
362
00:13:50,614 --> 00:13:51,913
- No, no, listen.
- [Clears throat]
363
00:13:51,982 --> 00:13:53,081
Lily's at a sleepover tonight,
364
00:13:53,183 --> 00:13:57,418
so I got us a suite
at Whispers Resort and Spa.
365
00:13:57,487 --> 00:13:59,020
Isn't that the place,
uh, Jen Aniston goes to
366
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,488
- after her divorces?
- Yes.
367
00:14:00,557 --> 00:14:03,024
And I'm sorry about the
silly Playgirl thing.
368
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,260
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.
369
00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:07,562
That you only have eyes for me.
370
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:11,966
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
371
00:14:12,035 --> 00:14:13,334
[Alarm beeping]
372
00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:15,303
Sweetie, your...
your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
373
00:14:15,405 --> 00:14:16,437
Why... Why don't you get off that bike?
374
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:17,872
Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what?
375
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,440
Why don't we go to the spa,
see if we can get an early treatment?
376
00:14:19,543 --> 00:14:20,542
I love that.
377
00:14:20,644 --> 00:14:22,844
Oh, smoothie.
378
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,546
Okay.
379
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,181
Hey, you're... you're really sweating.
380
00:14:26,249 --> 00:14:27,549
You should get a towel.
381
00:14:30,587 --> 00:14:31,820
Okay, you're acting weird.
382
00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:34,689
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...
383
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,258
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
384
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,127
I mean, there's a lot
of Hollywood history there.
385
00:14:39,196 --> 00:14:41,329
You know, they say the Little Rascals
386
00:14:41,398 --> 00:14:42,797
used to have orgies there.
387
00:14:42,899 --> 00:14:44,199
- Ah.
- [Knocks on window]
388
00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:45,600
Hey, Cam!
389
00:14:45,669 --> 00:14:48,603
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!
390
00:14:48,672 --> 00:14:49,504
Well, I'll see you next time!
391
00:14:49,606 --> 00:14:51,339
Yeah! Who is that?
392
00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:54,375
Wow, that's an interesting view.
393
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:55,577
What? It's a parking lot.
394
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:56,945
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.
395
00:14:57,013 --> 00:14:58,613
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat
396
00:14:58,715 --> 00:14:59,681
to this little peep sho...
397
00:14:59,783 --> 00:15:02,083
Oh! Oh, my God.
398
00:15:02,185 --> 00:15:05,253
That night of our "spectacular session,"
you had just come from the gym.
399
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:08,289
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?
400
00:15:08,358 --> 00:15:10,225
The truth is out there! [Taps window]
401
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,359
Okay, you know what?
402
00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:12,393
I'm weak, okay?
403
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,630
I can't believe you shamed
me for looking at a magazine
404
00:15:15,732 --> 00:15:17,498
when you've been baking protein bars
405
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,767
- for Thunder from Down Under!
- Maybe that's why.
406
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,736
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.
407
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:23,304
Well, don't, okay?
408
00:15:23,406 --> 00:15:27,542
We are allowed to look at other men
without feeling guilty about it.
409
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,981
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,
410
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:34,482
because at the end of the day,
411
00:15:34,584 --> 00:15:36,551
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.
412
00:15:37,954 --> 00:15:39,754
That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.
413
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:40,855
Let's just get out of here.
414
00:15:40,957 --> 00:15:42,991
Oh, now? Okay.
415
00:15:43,059 --> 00:15:44,559
Oh.
416
00:15:44,628 --> 00:15:45,526
Maybe I should join this gym.
417
00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:46,861
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.
418
00:15:46,930 --> 00:15:48,596
This is mine.
419
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,964
- What's his name?
- Chuck.
420
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:51,032
Oh, Chuck.
421
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:53,868
Oh, Joe, so adorable,
422
00:15:53,937 --> 00:15:56,237
you look like a little Uncle Alvaro!
423
00:15:56,306 --> 00:15:58,339
One last touch... the pocket watch,
424
00:15:58,408 --> 00:15:59,874
permanently broken at 3:30
425
00:15:59,943 --> 00:16:02,010
after it stopped a bullet
shot by a very drunk
426
00:16:02,112 --> 00:16:04,078
and jealous Florence Nightingale.
427
00:16:04,147 --> 00:16:05,546
Jay: Maybe it was sour grapes,
428
00:16:05,615 --> 00:16:08,850
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.
429
00:16:08,919 --> 00:16:11,419
I was sure that if I
left no stone unturned,
430
00:16:11,521 --> 00:16:13,388
eventually, one day,
431
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:16,591
I'd find some dirt on
Great Uncle Alvaro.
432
00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:17,926
I knew it!
433
00:16:18,028 --> 00:16:22,397
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,
434
00:16:22,499 --> 00:16:24,299
seducing wealthy widows
435
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:27,635
with made-up stories of
his bravery in battle.
436
00:16:27,704 --> 00:16:30,972
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,
437
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:34,542
he would move on,
leaving his victims with nothing
438
00:16:34,611 --> 00:16:36,878
but a single red rose...
439
00:16:36,947 --> 00:16:38,146
and syphilis.
440
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,481
Who's up for a little history lesson?
441
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,350
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
442
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:44,085
Do it again.
443
00:16:44,154 --> 00:16:46,654
The yoke of Spanish oppression
444
00:16:46,723 --> 00:16:50,091
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!
445
00:16:50,193 --> 00:16:53,127
My saber thirsts for European blood!
446
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:55,396
- So cute!
- Bravo!
447
00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:58,766
He looked it up and
memorized it himself.
448
00:16:58,835 --> 00:17:00,635
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me
449
00:17:00,704 --> 00:17:02,570
'cause I'm the shortest
kid in the class?
450
00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:04,172
Oh, don't listen to what they say!
451
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,742
Right! Uncle Alvaro
was only five feet tall
452
00:17:07,811 --> 00:17:09,744
and he led a whole army!
453
00:17:09,846 --> 00:17:12,113
I'm gonna be brave like him.
454
00:17:13,383 --> 00:17:16,517
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
455
00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:19,687
Jay: I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.
456
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,923
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
457
00:17:21,992 --> 00:17:23,791
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,
458
00:17:23,893 --> 00:17:26,661
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...
459
00:17:26,763 --> 00:17:28,796
Lulach McPritchett...
460
00:17:28,865 --> 00:17:32,066
proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,
461
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:35,570
tortured for months using
every method imaginable,
462
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:39,173
and never once giving
up a single secret.
463
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,708
Don't look him up.
464
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:45,947
[Door opens]
465
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:50,785
[Italian accent] Signora, why so sad?
466
00:17:50,854 --> 00:17:53,788
Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?
467
00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,289
How did you find me?
468
00:17:55,392 --> 00:17:57,325
[Normal voice] Antonio called and said
469
00:17:57,427 --> 00:17:59,160
- you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...
- [Sighs]
470
00:17:59,229 --> 00:18:00,695
...and just watched it burn.
471
00:18:00,797 --> 00:18:03,131
Mm-hmm.
472
00:18:03,199 --> 00:18:04,699
It's all just going too fast.
473
00:18:05,439 --> 00:18:06,267
Five months ago,
474
00:18:06,369 --> 00:18:07,702
Haley got back together with Dylan.
475
00:18:07,771 --> 00:18:10,505
Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant.
476
00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:11,839
Then it's twins.
477
00:18:11,941 --> 00:18:14,442
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into
478
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:17,145
"Ding-dong, we're here
with an early preview of twins
479
00:18:17,247 --> 00:18:18,746
and an incontinent chinchilla,
480
00:18:18,815 --> 00:18:21,315
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger
481
00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:23,351
sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,
482
00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:27,688
my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."
483
00:18:27,757 --> 00:18:29,791
- [Exhales deeply]
- Oh...
484
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,260
How...
How are you handling this all so well?
485
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:33,628
Who says I am?
486
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:37,465
I had to get out of there,
or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.
487
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,167
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
488
00:18:39,235 --> 00:18:41,702
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?
489
00:18:41,805 --> 00:18:44,305
You mean, like,
you might have some buried anger
490
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:47,141
towards him stealing
away your baby girl?
491
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,610
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
492
00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:51,546
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.
493
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:53,181
[Chuckles]
494
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:55,616
Oh, well,
495
00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:58,052
we still have Italy.
496
00:18:58,154 --> 00:18:59,420
Do we?
497
00:18:59,489 --> 00:19:01,789
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,
498
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,459
and it seems that,
like our daughter, they...
499
00:19:04,527 --> 00:19:05,493
they tend to come early.
500
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:07,895
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance,
501
00:19:07,964 --> 00:19:11,632
I can't risk having the
only maternal figure present
502
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:14,402
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
503
00:19:14,504 --> 00:19:16,571
I got to be there for Haley.
504
00:19:16,673 --> 00:19:18,106
It's overwhelming for sure,
505
00:19:18,208 --> 00:19:21,609
but haven't a ton of our best memories
506
00:19:21,711 --> 00:19:24,479
come from the anarchy of our house?
507
00:19:24,547 --> 00:19:27,548
Like when Luke got his
head stuck in the banister?
508
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:29,150
- Which time?
- [Chuckles, snorts]
509
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,719
Or when...
when Alex's science fair project
510
00:19:31,821 --> 00:19:33,054
blacked out the whole neighborhood
511
00:19:33,156 --> 00:19:35,590
- during the Super Bowl?
- [Laughs]
512
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:36,657
Or when, uh,
513
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:38,092
Haley snuck in Luke's window
514
00:19:38,161 --> 00:19:40,128
- the same week we bought him a slingshot?
- Oh, God.
515
00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:41,896
That was... Mm.
516
00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:44,065
So, it's a-a madhouse,
517
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,534
but on the other hand,
518
00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:48,469
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,
519
00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:50,705
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
520
00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,441
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
521
00:19:56,513 --> 00:19:58,479
So...
522
00:19:58,581 --> 00:20:00,948
looks like we are going on a trip?
523
00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:04,441
_
524
00:20:04,442 --> 00:20:09,396
_
525
00:20:09,397 --> 00:20:13,980
_
526
00:20:19,276 --> 00:20:21,075
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
527
00:20:21,177 --> 00:20:23,744
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...
528
00:20:23,846 --> 00:20:24,912
That chapter is closed.
529
00:20:25,014 --> 00:20:26,814
We have a strictly
business relationship now.
530
00:20:28,451 --> 00:20:30,551
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes
531
00:20:30,653 --> 00:20:32,987
drifting toward a shorter Jewish one?
532
00:20:33,089 --> 00:20:35,356
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
533
00:20:35,458 --> 00:20:36,957
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman
534
00:20:37,059 --> 00:20:39,393
whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.
535
00:20:39,495 --> 00:20:40,860
Clearly, you're still upset
536
00:20:40,922 --> 00:20:43,790
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...
537
00:20:43,892 --> 00:20:45,358
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me
538
00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:47,960
to play myself off with our song.
539
00:20:48,062 --> 00:20:49,629
["Sex Kitty" plays]
540
00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:52,665
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
541
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,416
♪ Ow! ♪
542
00:21:02,202 --> 00:21:04,250
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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