Original subtitles

¶¶

¶ Look at that sun Look at that sky

¶ Look at my sweater vest I look so fly

¶ Look at that mailbox Look at that tree

¶ It's about as beautiful As it can be

¶ Whoa

¶ Today is gonna Be exceptional

¶ Never boring Even for a minute

¶ It's my world And we're all livin' in it

¶ Whoa, whoa

¶ Never boring Even for a minute

¶ It's my world And we're all livin' in it ¶

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

Wow, this is pretty crazy, even for me.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

MILO: It was a quarter after 9:00 this morning

and I was meeting, Zack and Melissa at the park,

when suddenly... Stop, Milo.

Oh, I'll stop when you start believing in magic.

What's with the magic, kit?

I'm helping Zack and Melissa with their student film.

I figured they could use some special effects.

You, sir, with the stop sign, place these handcuffs on my wrists.

Well... Okay...

No tricks up my sleeve, make sure those handcuffs are good and tight.

I just wanna clarify something.

Elliot and I do not get handcuffed together at this time.

All right, Houdini, you are all set. Wow me!

And one, two, three!

Milo, you're handcuffed to my sign.

Don't worry, I have the key.

(CLATTERS)

Whoo, that was a close call.

(CRACKING)

So... Do you know any magic tricks?

Milo isn't here with the magic kit

and two of our actors are late.

Hey, film geeks!

What's up? Bradley!

Where is Scott the undergrounder?

You were supposed to bring him.

He's not coming.

He said he had an appointment.

He lives in a sewer and his girlfriend is a milk carton.

What kind of appointment could he have?

Mildred, I'm not being chauvinistic.

You have an actual expiration date.

How can we make a film called the old man on the bench

without the old man?

Don't panic, all we have to do is find a grown up with no life

who's sitting around in the middle of the day with nothing to do.

MAN ON TV: Well Time Ape, Once again...

We've had the time of our...

(TV SWITCHES OFF)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, hi Milo's friend girl!

Be in your film?

Uh... You know, I'm pretty busy.

(BARKS)

But my schedule just opened up.

Email me the script, I'll read it on the way over.

Can't you just let me hold the stop sign?

It would be so much easier.

Having you holding this sign would be unsafe.

See, this is what happens if you even...

(EXCLAIMING) Now you get the electromagent out of my bag.

Got it! I'm gonna turn it on.

Just remember to throw it away from us...

MILO: Or this might happen.

(CLANKING)

MILO: Turn it off now.

(CLATTERING)

Hey, the top of this sign comes right off.

(EXCLAIMS) My baby! Hold on... There we go.

Well, the cuffs are off now.

Great, Now I can be rid of him.

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS IN SLOW MOTION)

This is where we got handcuffed together, but not wrist to ankle.

Okay, go ahead!

(SCREAMING)

(HORNS BLARING)

Here we go, Elliot!

(STAMMERING)

Well, at least I'm not cuffed to your sign right?

Where is Doofenshmirtz, people, we are losing light!

Calm down, he said, he'd be right over.

¶ Check out my bling bling and the wheels thing

¶ Got 24-karat napkin rings

¶ Oh, they're gonna oblige you Whenever I find you

¶ Eating chick chick chicken wings ¶

¶ Check out my ride I know you tried to hide...

Doofenshmirtz is in the house.

What up?

What up, everyone?

This is my entourage, doggie dog. (BARKS)

Old school, cause he's actually a dog.

Now about this script.

What about my script?

It stinks.

Literally, I spilled pickled herring on it.

Anyway, doggie dog and I have come up with a new script

and it's pretty sweet.

This is just the word "bark" written a whole bunch of times.

Pretty sweet.

(BARKS)

I'm sorry, Dr. D, but we're going to split the script that we wrote.

Oh, that's it, I'm walking, I'm out the door.

I am out... We're giving everyone free lunch.

Okay, I'm in.

I knew I shouldn't have helped you with your trick.

I cannot live like this. Safety first.

Must stay safe, buffalo!

Did you just say, buffalo?

(SCARY MUSIC PLAYING)

What happened?

I don't know but clearly that word triggered from repressed traumatic event.

Word, what word? Buffalo!

Buffalo?

(SCARY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Elliot! Elliot!

Are you gonna do that everytime I say the word buff...

Yes, wait a second, what's going on here?

MILO: I don't know but, wow, what a mess!

What's with all the capybaras, sir?

Better not make any loud noises, boys.

These capys get spooked, they can stampede worse than...

Don't say that!

Don't say what? Buffalo.

(SCARY MUSIC PLAYING)

(ELLIOT SCREAMING)

Yup, that's pretty much the loud noise I was talking about.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES) (CAPYBARAS CHIRPING)

Run, Elliot!

That's a pretty wise choice, boys.

Okay, Bradley, We'll shoot you on the bench first.

Then we shoot Doof on the bench as future you

with your life ruined.

Ouch! Okay, let's get rolling.

And... Action!

Lake, I want to know your feelings.

Cut cut!

Doof, what are you doing! That was great!

Boring! You need action

like maybe if I, I did some push-ups in the background, like...

(GRUNTING, CRACKING)

One.

Boy, by the time he's finished,

I really will be an old man.

Okay, just one.

Oh, you know what, we need something unexpected, like,

like, if I was suddenly to cry out without warning. Like this.

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, no, see, but that was with warning, so...

(EXCLAIMS) See that one was without warning. Better, right?

Doof, these suggestions are great. But we're running out of time.

Whatever, I just thought you wanted to make a good movie.

Okay. Amanda, Bradley, great energy, right. We're going to do it again.

And... Action.

Blake, I want to know your feelings.

But you are like a clam that has been left in the ice too long, and I...

MELISSA: Cut! Dr. Doofenshmirtz, what are you doing?

These are all the emotions I'm going to be having.

I'm doing a little foreshadowing,

because, you know, you're going to be seeing me in the park later.

Please, just stick to the script.

Whatever, it's your movie.

Okay, one more time. And... Action!

(INHALES AND EXHALES)

Pine cones for sale!

Buy a pine cone to help an old woman.

That's it! I cannot work with this man.

Old woman.

I am walking.

You can't walk because I'm walking.

I'm walking right now.

I'm going to do it. I'm gonna walk. I'm gonna get...

Oh. Well what do you know, she walked.

Well, if she's out, I'm out.

Wow! What a couple of divas. Am I right?

(ELLIOT SCREAMING)

(CAPYBARAS SQUEALING)

Not again!

You think there's something in here that can make this whole day disappear?

(ELLIOT SCREAMING)

I think we're starting to pull ahead.

(SQUEALING)

(ELLIOT MOANING)

(CRASHING)

Hey, my hand is free.

That's great!

You know, I'll be honest. I don't know how this happened.

Oh-oh! Here they come again.

(CAPYBARAS SQUEALING)

(SQUEALING CONTINUES)

(ELLIOT SCREAMING)

You are a buffalo to everyone around you!

Elliot. What's with you and buffaloes?

Wait, not buffalo, marshmallow.

Marshmallow?

Yes! Marshmallow rhymes with buffalo.

It happened years ago.

Marshmallow doesn't rhyme with buffalo.

I went to the circus with my parents.

MILO: This guy is rhyming marshmallow with buffalo.

ELLIOT: They bought me a bag of marshmallows.

I was throwing it in the air.

My mother said, "Don't throw that bag in the air.

"Remember! Safety first."

Then, it happened.

That's it?

That caused the lifelong pathological addiction to safety?

Let me finish.

Those marshmallows were just the beginning.

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMING)

It was because of my carelessness with those marshmallows,

that everything was ruined!

Milo, for years I've been tormented,

and now I know why.

Kinda weird that marshmallows triggered your memory of the circus disaster,

we just ran through an actual circus.

The point is, now that my marshmallow memory is no longer repressed.

I'm free!

Except that I'm still handcuffed to you.

No, it's okay. While you were freaking out, I found a spare key.

You've got a spare key?

Yeah, I found it while you were busy rhyming buffalo with marshmallow.

There you go. Now you don't have to be obsessed with safety anymore.

Are you kidding? I'm going to be more obsessed with... Safety.

ZACK: I don't know Melissa. I hope this works.

Come on, Zack, everyone's waiting. Just hit save.

We're running out of time!

Zack, Melissa, your film is a-first. Are you ready?

Here Mr. Drako. Here's our film.

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Melissa, what are you doing?

Ladies and gentlemen, a film by Zack and Melissa.

The Old Man on The Bench.

Blake, I want to know your feelings.

But you are like a clam that has been left in the ice too long.

Boy, by the time he's finished, I really will be an old man.

Pine cones for sale!

Pine cones for sale! (EXCLAIMS)

So... What do you think?

Oh, please don't give us an "F."

There is no grade on this. This was just for fun.

I'll take it.

Whoo! Yeah!

And it was a happy ending after all.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz, what are you doing in my bubble?

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

Here we are.

Trapeze class? Advanced puppetry?

Look, whatever happened to horseback riding, or archery?

Come on Zack, try something new.

Yeah. You never know when a new skill might come in handy.

Okay, see, yeah, I sincerely doubt that artisanal crayon making

is ever going to come in handy, but okay.

Hmm, sounds like it's time for a montage.

Bring it on. Boom!

¶ I've been stuck in the groove

¶ Of the same old neural pathways

¶ Got to add a little something

¶ More spicy into the mix

¶ Every day it seems the same, it's like a month of Mondays

¶ Time for this old dog to get a new bag of tricks

¶ Time to shake it up, switch it out

¶ Looking for a big breakthrough

¶ Time to try something new ¶

Cavendish Rogue Log 7204.

I've tried to show this ship to the authorities 37 times to no avail.

But the least I can do is try o find the person I saw abducted, and help them.

I'm going to attempt to search the ship's records for any clues.

(BEEPING, WHIRRING)

Odd. I can almost smell alien secrets about to be released.

Hey. You three all signed up for the pogo stick hiking excursion?

It'll be nice to do something comparatively normal after the other activities.

Just stay on the path and never leave my side.

These are called The Easy to Get Lost and Die In Woods.

Um, I guess they named them that 'cause they're easy to get lost and die in?

I never connected the name with the fact that they are easy to get lost and die in.

(CRASHING) (SCREAMING)

The screams of woodland creatures

reminding us that nature is a harsh mistress.

(WHIRRING)

Pressing random buttons always worked on my video player and coffee pot.

(GROWLING) Good! What the...

(ROARS)

Perhaps I should scream now. Yes.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

MILO: This is making a smoothie of my stomach.

Phew.

(SCREAMING)

A UFO? An alien monster?

A... Cavendish?

Get your filthy tentacles off me.

(SNIFFING)

(GROWLS)

Guys, rescue routine number nine.

(ROARING)

Chill, Mr. Giant Cyclops thing.

We're gonna go now. Please don't kill us.

Don't move. There's no telling what it might do.

So, what do we do? Try to tame it and bring it home as a pet?

(SNIFFING)

I'm responsible for letting him out.

If only I had a rope... Oh, thank you.

I may be able to gently lead the creature to...

(CAVENDISH SCREAMING)

Where is he going?

Duh! To... (GARGLED SCREAMING)

Sounds good to me.

Come on, guys, follows those gargled screams.

(SCREAMING) Slow down!

All right, men, set the survey equipment up right there.

My toxic waste disposal company has come here to dump waste into the Danville Woods.

When this job came up, no other waste company would even touch it.

This stuff is that dangerous.

And if I didn't take this contract, absolutely nobody else would have.

They all laughed at me. Well, I'm the only one laughing now.

All the way to the bank with that fat check

for the money I'm gonna get for dumping this stuff right here. (LAUGHS)

You feel that, men? That's the feeling of profit rushing right at us.

(SCREAMING)

My hand! How am I supposed to be able to sign my contract and dump the toxic waste here?

(CRASHING)

My leg! How am I supposed to be able to carry all those barrels of poisonous

toxic waste up that hill and dump it here in the Danville Woods?

(CRACKING)

My other hand! How will I unscrew the tops of the toxic waste containers

and dump them out here in these beautiful, pristine woods?

(SNIFFING)

(CAVENDISH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, maybe I deserve this.

Well, at least the water is moderate...

I've got just the thing.

(SNIFFING)

Well, Enid, you might not believe it, but I'm hauling a load of giant ducks.

What! (SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Enid, you're not gonna believe what I'm seeing right now.

A raccoon walking on its hind legs. Like people.

Murphy's law. 6 o'clock.

(SQUEAKING)

(GASPING)

Oh-oh, mine's got a leak.

It's okay, I've got duck-tape.

Not in the mood, Milo.

(SCREAMING) Just stop already, please stop!

All right, men, set that survey equipment up right there.

My development company has come here to clear cut the Danville Woods.

I'm about to close a deal that'll turn this entire forest into a desert.

Desert land theme park.

People will come from miles around to see my beautiful desert.

Beautiful deserts needs turtles.

We'll shave the local bears and put shells on 'em.

We'll shave the eagles and put shells on them.

The other developers all laughed at me.

They said, "Why would anyone pay to go to a desert land theme park

"when there's an actual desert only six miles away?"

Well, I'll be the only one laughing now when I start charging the locals

a small fortune to come see this place. (CROWS CAWING)

Feel that, men, that's the feeling of profits rushing right at us.

(SCREAMING)

My hand!

How am I supposed to be able to sign my contract to cut these woods down?

(SCREAMING) My legs!

How am I gonna be able to carry away these trees that I'm gonna cut down

for my desert land these park?

(SCREAMING) My other hand!

How am I gonna be able to shave all bears and eagles

to put shells on them and disguise them as turtles?

(SNIFFLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, maybe I deserved this.

I've only seen this much mayhem since Milo went to the monster truck rally.

Hi, folks, it's my honor as your mayor,

to be here today to sign this paper

into law, protecting this beautiful valley

from polluting and over-development.

This law, once signed, by me, right here,

will protect this majestic forest

and all the animals, like this spying friend of mine right here,

that call this beautiful valley, home.

All I have to do is sign this piece of paper

On this table. (CROWD APPLAUDS)

I just wanna say again how important it is

that I sign this paper, right here, right now.

Because this forest and her beautiful creatures

need to be protected from the forces of no good,

that would do harm to it.

If anything were to happen to me,

or my writing hand, this law would go unsigned,

and we all know the dangers this forest would face.

There is literally no one else in our local government

that is authorized to sign this law.

You feel that folks? That's a feeling of good deeds

coming right at us... (CREATURE SHRIEKS)

Have no fear, creature passing by harmlessly.

You and your home are now protected.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

(SNIFFING)

(SCREAMING)

Disco squat. Disco squat.

(CLATTERING, SCREAMING)

I'm saved.

Oh no. (CREATURE SCREECHING)

Cavendish. Greg.

I got an idea.

We can use all the new skills we've learned.

Zack, distract him.

Shine it on the plate.

I'll use the new skills I got from my feet dexterity class.

(SNARLING)

(GROANS)

Keep it going, guys.

(GRUNTS)

Whoo!

Thanks for the help.

Your feet are really dexterous.

I know, right?

(SNIFFING, GULPING)

ALL: Whoo! (CHEERING)

Wow. I don't remember that cage the last time I was here.

Milo, what are you talking about?

I've been on this ship before.

When I was abducted by the aliens.

(GASPS) That was you?

I saw that abduction.

I've been trying to find and rescue that abductee,

and it was you the entire time.

Apparently. Huzzah!

(THUD)

I better get out of here.

Last time I was on board,

Murphy's Law nearly wrecked the whole ship.

Anyway, we've got to get back to camp.

Oh, yes, yes, absolutely.

Don't want anything more to happen to it.

Scoot, scoot. You children go home.

Yeah, have fun with the UFO. Bye.

Cherry-bye.

Oh. So they abducted him and then they just let him go.

It was... It was probably just a case of mistaken identity.

They probably thought he was a cow or something. Wait.

What's that green light in there?

(GASPS) Great googly-moogly.

They didn't think he was a cow at all.

They were after him specifically.

And from the looks of this,

they're coming back to finish the job.

I've got to warn him.

(ZAPPING)

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Whoa

¶ Whoa

¶ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

¶ You know I'd rather spin it

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶