Original subtitles

¶¶

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

¶ Look at that sun Look at that sky

¶ Look at my sweater vest I look so fly

¶ Look at that mailbox Look at that tree

¶ It's about as beautiful as it can be

¶ Whoa

¶ Today is gonna be exceptional

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it

¶ Whoa, whoa

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

Okay everyone, we're not gonna have any accidents today.

Everybody's just gonna stay safe and...

(DUCK QUACKING) Whoa! Duck Alert.

ELLIOT: Back! Back, you foul beast!

And I mean foul in both senses of the word.

Hey! Hey, you kids! Stop that.

You're gonna put somebody's eye out.

With a football?

Football's a very dangerous sport.

You'll never know what could... CHAD: Head's up, guys.

Agh! Give me that.

You can't just go tossing this thing around

when Milo is standing right over there...

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Are you okay, Elliot?

ELLIOT: No. I injured my... Well, I guess my everything.

Honestly, this is the absolute worst job for a well-dressed gentleman.

Yeah, well maybe you should take that hat off when you come to work.

This hat is the only thing that keeps me from looking like a complete heathen.

Nice hat!

Thank you!

See? That could have been a disaster.

Hey, where do you think this thing came from?

Hmm, I have no idea.

Why do you suppose it's glowing?

I don't know, maybe it's radioactive.

Good heavens! Here! You take it.

Oh, no way. You take it! Get that thing away from me!

Nuh-uh! Finders keepers!

Well, you're the one who found it!

Hey! It's making us float.

Why is it causing us to levitate?

I don't know, but look at me! Look at me! I'm an astronaut.

We've just discovered an unidentified alien object

with anti-gravity properties.

Oh! I feel like Sir Isaac Newton.

Anti-gravity? Wouldn't that make you the opposite of Sir Isaac Newton?

Whoa!

Oh surprise. This feels even grosser than it looks.

That wasn't space trash. It's something far, far more important.

With this discovery, we'll finally get big promotions.

We have to catch it.

Yeah, I might also be sitting on a rat.

MILO: I'm sorry you got hurt, Elliot.

Just so you know, all the ducks are perfectly fine.

Oh, great. Kick me when I'm down.

Is there a reason you're here?

Is there anything I can do to help you out?

Aside from moving to another state?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you're not kidding.

Actually, there is one thing you can do.

But you can't mess it up.

Great! What is it?

Well, I have a side job as a dog walker.

And it's very important to me.

Especially since it's the only job that actually pays me.

So you want me to walk them for you?

I love dogs! And dogs love me!

You just need to pick them up after school

and take them to the dog park to play "Fetch".

Easy-peasy Pekingese! Mmm?

Yeah, dog joke. Good one.

You rest up and I'll take care of it.

But remember to wear shorts because Beauregard likes to chew on pant legs.

Beauregard chews pant legs. Got it.

Well, that was weird.

Milo was here and nothing bad...

(SCREAMS) Okay, there it is.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOG WHINES)

(BARKS)

(BARKS)

(DOGS BARKING AND PLAYING)

(BURPS)

(WHISTLES)

Would you like to watch some non-functional TV?

(GRUNTS)

We got it!

What do you mean 'we'? It looks like it's... mostly me over here.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, good job. Hold on to it, Dakota!

Yes, I'd like to speak to Mr. Block.

Fine. I can hold.

(DAKOTA SCREAMING)

CAVENDISH: Oh, hello, sir!

Something remarkable has happened

while we were picking up trash.

We found a small glow... Excuse me?

Oh. Oh, yes. Oh. I'll hold.

DAKOTA: Ow, my eye! Ow! Ow!

You know, it's kinda peaceful without Elliot yelling at us

to be careful not to put our eyes out!

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

Hold on, I got a text.

It's from Milo.

Hey, what the heck, man?

I don't think that was a car.

Keep your head down or we'll get replaced by a human.

See, that's ironic because we are taking humans jobs.

I understood the sarcasm.

What do you think I am, a Model 3?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Kill the humans.

Such a beautiful, quiet day.

It's almost like nothing can go wrong.

(FORKLIFT BEEPING)

Oh! Guys... guys, my boulder.

(ALL SCREAM)

Uh-oh.

No! No! Please don't put me on hold again, I...

(MUZAK PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

Cavendish? Dakota?

This is new.

DAKOTA: Milo, help!

Hang on, guys! I have an idea.

(WHISTLES)

Beauregard! Pant leg!

(GRUNTS)

MILO: Whoa!

(DOGS BARKING)

No! This mongrel has me by the hem.

Unjaw me, beast!

(BEEPS)

(DAKOTA AND CAVENDISH YELL)

Wow!

(DOG WHINES)

Hey, what's that thing?

CAVENDISH: That is the culprit that caused all of this kerfuffle.

Come on, Dakota! Let's get this thing home

and call Mr. Block immediately!

Okay, guys, see ya later! Thanks for the lift!

Get it? 'Cause you...

Yeah they didn't... they didn't get it.

Okay, that was weird even for me.

Hello, gentlemen! What's up?

We have wonderful news for you.

While we were cleaning up garbage for P.I.G., we came upon this!

It's an alien sphere with anti-gravity properties! Watch!

Yeah. That's a silver baseball.

(STAMMERS)

Oh, you two just keep trying, don't you?

You know the only way you can become full agents

is to discover an alien species

or alert us to alien activity that we don't already see.

(LAUGHS) And we have eyes everywhere!

Thanks for the laugh, though. You guys are hilarious.

(WHIMPERS)

Well, Diogee, that was an eventful day, wasn't it?

I'm gonna tell Elliot about our job well done.

Milo? What happened? Do I still have a job?

MILO: Relax. Everything's fine.

We had a wonderful day at the dog park

and all of the dogs have been returned home.

Really? Everything's fine? Amazing!

I never thought I'd say this, Milo, but thank you.

Anything for a friend, Elliot.

Well, how about that? Milo did it.

He actually saved my job.

Maybe things are changing for the...

No. Back, you foul beast!

I mean it both ways!

(DUCK QUACKS) (ELLIOT SCREAMS)

And you, Diogee, thank you for helping me out.

I know you looked like you weren't having fun

but deep down, I think you had a good day.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

Nose guards, head guards, shin guard, helmet.

Now where is my nasal philtrum guard?

(SQUEAKS)

What in the world?

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

"Ethereal Music Mix" tape?

What is this boom box even doing here?

Milo, stop!

Oh, thank goodness, you're safe.

Now we can go downstairs and forget that we even have an attic.

Mom, what's going on?

You usually only get this nervous when you remember

that I'm gonna get a driver's license in three years.

Three years. Only three years.

Honey, maybe we should tell him.

Do you think he's ready?

I think it's time he knew.

Knew what?

Ooh! Ooh! Am I really an alien?

'Cause that would be so cool!

Wouldn't it? Maybe you'd have a bunch of gross tentacles.

Like... (VOCALIZING)

Yeah! Or three heads!

Like... (VOCALIZING)

Boys!

He'd totally also have antenna like... (BEEPING)

I'm an alien. I am an alien.

(LAUGHS) Seriously, Dad. What's with the boom box?

Milo, when a Murphy lad comes of age

there is an ancient ritual to help the boy along the road to adulthood.

You found the secret boom box.

I think that's a sign that you are ready.

Ancient ritual? Weren't boom boxes invented in the '80s?

Yeah, well, I guess it's not that ancient.

So what happens on this ritual?

I can't tell you the details, but I can tell you this...

It'll be scarier than anything in your entire life! (ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) Sorry!

Now, you men be careful out there.

With three Murphys, what could go wrong?

That was supposed to be a rhetorical question.

So where are we going, Dad?

Your grandfather and I are going to take you out into the wilderness

just like every father has done since the very first Murphy.

(CREAKING)

Isn't that right?

I remember like it was yesterday... This whole Murphy ritual...

...taking your dad on this very same trip. ...is bunch of malarkey.

Course, he got carsick on the way. Might have been some bad oysters...

I forgot to bring my needlepoint armadillo.

Gosh, Dad, why do we need all this stuff?

Because who knows what we'll find at...

Dead Man's Bluff?

(HUMMING DRAMATICALLY)

Are we really going to a place called "Dead Man's Bluff"?

(HUMMING DRAMATICALLY)

That's right. It's going to be scary, right, Dad?

So scary that you're going... Will you two quit trying to scare Milo?

...to shiver like a cow wearing bathing trunks.

You're going out there a boy,

but when you return, you'll be a man.

Cool! Then I can get a driver's license.

Only three years.

(HUMMING DRAMATICALLY)

Sara out.

Seems like only yesterday I was taking you on your...

Wow, is this what my voice sounds like without Grandma talking over me?

I don't like it.

So where exactly are we going?

We're taking you to the spot where Jebediah Murphy,

the very first Murphy, took his son Obediah.

Legend has it that no one's ever made it out of there alive.

What about you and Dad?

You know, Jebediah Murphy never questioned his elders.

(SIGHS) Nothing falling.

Nothing exploding.

So peaceful.

Is this what my voice sounds like without Grandpa talking over it?

Well, I don't like it.

Hey, why don't we all go somewhere together? Just us Murphy gals.

Oh, that sounds great. Count me in!

Doofenshmirtz. Don't you have something else to do?

Nah, I was just gonna organize my old -inator hammock.

Oh, look. This one makes everything smell

like the inside of a Halloween mask.

Well, it would be rude to say no, so...

Oooh, goody. Included by obligation.

I'll take it!

¶ And the wall falls down and the wall hits a tree

¶ And the tree hits a pole, and the pole hits a bee

¶ And that's how you know you're a Murphy! ¶

(RUMBLE)

Whoa, whoa.

MARTIN: And getting a flat is another way to tell.

Luckily there is a spare in the trunk.

Well, there was.

And there it goes.

Yup, looks like we're walking.

GRANDMA: Oh, isn't this delightful?

SARA: What do you think, Dr. D?

Looks like Jackson Pollock threw up on a Picasso.

Anybody can make modern art these days.

I mean, look at this!

"Look at me. I'm a horse with a toilet for a head." What's that even mean?

Well, you know, if you're not enjoying it,

maybe you should go check out the gift shop?

Ooh, good idea. I think I have a dollar in change...

Oh, look at this. I didn't even know I had this.

I wonder what it does?

Oh, now I remember, it does that.

Wait. How is that alive?

Well, technically "alive" implies the existence of a soul,

free will, the ability to enjoy fondue.

I would just call this "animated".

And expertly story-boarded.

¶ James Kim ¶

He just became a daddy!

I'm beginning to think it might have been a mistake

to put a cyborg brain into a wounded grizzly and give it one instruction...

destroy man.

Well, luckily, there's no man within a hundred miles of here.

Except for us.

I think we better get out of here.

Yes, sir.

We should have turned left at this tree,

unless that was the first tree which means this is the second tree.

Oh, let me look at that map.

Jebediah's map!

It's okay. It's okay. I took a picture of it with my phone.

You mean the phone that was in this backpack?

(OBJECTS BREAKING)

Oh, this is just great!

Now how are we going to find the secret spot?

How's Milo going to become a Murphy man?

Murphy man...

Still not liking the sound of your own voice?

It's freaking me out.

We can start our own tradition and choose a new spot.

Okay, Milo, we'll pick our own spot. A spot where there's monsters!

Oh, Grandpa, stop trying to scare me.

I know there's no such thing as monsters.

¶ You've seen it before, you gonna... ¶

(GROWL)

(RACCOON WHIMPERS)

¶ Okay, maybe not ¶

How about this spot, Dad?

Good choice! I hereby dub this, the new secret spot!

Hey, where's Grandpa?

Oh, don't worry. He just had to make a quick, um, yeah, pit stop.

It's an old guy thing.

All right, let's see. Here we are!

(GROANS) Smells like the inside of a Halloween mask.

Which is weird because it's the outside of a Halloween mask.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

MAN: This is why I hate museums!

If I shoot it with the -inator again, it should go back to normal.

All right. Hold still.

Hold still. Stop it! Stop it!

Oh, great. Now I hit this guy and he's coming to life.

Excuse me, he hasn't come to life he has become animated.

I think we went over this earlier, right? He has no soul.

I just got to hit him again and it will turn it off.

Yeah. I got it.

See, see now he is unanimated.

SARA: Uh, Dr. D. I don't think we're out of the woods yet.

(SCREAMING) I hate Monet!

All right, Milo, it's time for your initiation.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Murphy's Law is all around us,

but it's stronger in us Murphy Men.

It is a force that we must...

Oh. Go ahead.

In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law,

and you must wrestle it and defeat it.

(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)

(LOUDLY) In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law,

and you must wrestle it and defeat it.

(SIGHS) Where is he?

Ugh. Dang monster costume.

MARTIN: (SHOUTING) In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law,

and you must wrestle it and defeat it.

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

SARA: Doof, do something!

I already did something. I made things worse!

Oh, for Pete's sake. Give me that thing!

Yeah. I used to work at an arcade.

Going back to Murphy's Law's is gonna be a piece of cake after this.

In. Those. Bushes!

(CYBORG GROWLING) Ah, there he is. I mean, there it is.

It is, the spirit! Now go!

Oh, come on, Dad. Really?

Just go and confront the spirit!

There is something in here, and it's really strong.

Good, son! You're doing it! Good!

Wow, Dad's putting on a good show in there.

Wow, I guess I am. How exactly am I doing that?

Milo, get out of there! Milo!

MILO: I can't! Something's got me.

(GROWLING)

Ah! Hey, that's my monster costume.

Diogee! I'd recognize your Diogee breath anywhere!

If you knew it was Diogee, why were you screaming so much?

Because I knew it'd scare Grandpa.

Back in my day, kids didn't scare their elders.

(GROWLING)

Milo, I'm proud of you.

You went into the woods, battled the unknown, and defeated it.

Even if it was just Diogee.

I think I speak for both of us

when I say, you are now a Murphy man.

Thanks, Dad.

(DIOGEE BARKING)

What is it, boy?

(RUMBLING)

(SCREAMS)

Ah! It flies!

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

(CYBORG SCREAMING)

(GROWLS)

¶ And the wall falls down and the wall hits a tree

¶ And the tree hits a pole, and the pole hits a bee

¶ And that's how you know you're a Murphy! ¶

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Whoa

¶ Whoa

¶ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

¶ You know I'd rather spin it

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶