Original subtitles

¶¶

¶ Look at that sun Look at that sky

¶ Look at my sweater vest I look so fly

¶ Look at that mailbox Look at that tree

¶ It's about as beautiful as it can be

¶ Whoa

¶ Today is gonna be exceptional

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it

¶ Whoa, whoa

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

So you're saying the word "cowboy" has nothing to do with cows or boys?

Absolutely nothing.

Hey, Milo. Hey, guys.

Hey, Milo's friends.

Oh, hi, Dr. D.

What are you doing here?

He's shadowing me today.

Yeah, long story, you see, bad things happen to me all the time.

Seriously, it's practically my own Murphy's Law.

Like Doof's Law or Heinz' Law.

Heinz' Law. It's like coleslaw but Heinz' Law.

I should market that.

¶ If you're looking for a food you can take on a picnic

¶ Try Heinz ' Law ¶

It's 30% horseradish.

So anyway...

Right. So I just thought maybe I could tag along

and see how the kid deals with it.

So you're just gonna come to school with us today?

Yep.

You still don't have a job or something else you should be doing?

Nope.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Did I tell you guys about how I was raised by ocelots?

Oh, here's the bus. Thank goodness.

So Milo. This whole Murphy's Law thing...

How carefully have you been able to track the frequency, duration and intensity

of occurrence? 'Cause I've been doing that with my own negative events.

This is when a giant ball of tin foil ripped the roof off my building.

Here's the first time I blew up, and then, uh...

This is where I got tied to that birthday...

Oh, here's where I opened a ream of paper in a school bus and crashed into a subway.

This time I wouldn't have had the time to add it to the list,

but it was the first time that happened.

Ah, the bus fairy got my letter!

So was that Murphy's Law?

Nope. That was all you.

But if it was Murphy's Law, how would you deal with it?

I just stay calm and lead everyone to the surface.

And we're walking. We're walking.

Interesting. See, I would've continued with the thing that I was doing.

Opening a ream of paper in a school bus so it crashes into the subway?

Yeah, that's right, and I would just keep doing that

until I got thwarted, but hey,

that's why I'm here, right? To live and learn.

So what's on the docket here for PE class?

What kinda of crazy shenanigans can we expect?

Is it a barrage of flaming volleyballs?

A marauding band of lacrosse sticks?

Actually, all we do is stretch.

Yeah, the coach is never here on Wednesday mornings.

I wonder where he goes.

COACH: Okay, I'll start.

Hello, my name is Coach,

and I believe we are being visited by extraterrestrial entities.

Oh, that's true as turkey.

You're preaching to the choir.

Seriously, y'all shouldn't be here. You don't get the room till 10:30.

Oh.

¶ Sorry ¶

So anyway, (CLEARS THROAT) about two weeks ago,

I was parked by the side of the road, see?

Shut my eyes for a few seconds...

(HORN SOUNDS) (SNORING)

And the next thing I knew, an entire hour had passed by.

BOTH: Missing time.

Was there a bright light? Were you immobilized?

Did they examine you in horrible, demeaning ways?

Excuse me, is this the Konsortium Of Other Worldly Knowledge Seekers?

That's us.

Oh, yes. I see.

Just one question. You spelt "Consortium" with a "K".

You realize that's a "C", yes?

Yeah but then it would spell "cooks."

And we are not cooks.

I mean except for Evan. He actually is a cook.

Well, technically, I'm a sous chef.

That's true as turkey.

Ironically, a dish I do not cook.

Wow. You know, when I was in middle school,

we didn't have things like computers and cell phones,

or indoor plumbing. Or indoor anything, really.

We went to school outside where teachers would just throw pine cones at us.

Hey, that must be your bad

because if it was Heinz' Law, it would've hit me right on...

See? See, like that. (CRASH)

Okay, now it's not believable.

(CRASH)

DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Seriously, how many ceiling fans are there in that one spot?

Nice work with the inflatable, by the way.

Is that your go-to move? Your MO? Your Murphy Operandi?

Well, not specifically a raft, but it is important to be prepared for any eventuality.

That's why I asked you to pack your own backpack.

So what did you bring?

I got all kinds of things.

I got a waffle-into- pancake-anator.

I got a gorilla shave-anator.

I got a cube that makes pink foam.

Okay, class. Eyes up here on my desk.

My beautiful, pitiful desk.

Today we'll be working with the Bunsen burner.

So...

(SHRIEKS)

Murphy's Law! I got this one!

(EXPLOSION)

Okay, so the fire's out, but hey, guys, don't get that stuff in your mouth.

It's 70% horseradish.

MAN: Are you sure you're in the right place?

Yes, well, I was hoping to exchange some information,

but clearly I've made a mistake.

You fellas continue with your hootenanny or whatever this is.

No, no, please. Join us.

Mr. Chaffy was about to speak. Mr. Chaffy...

It was because of those aliens that I got this bruise on my head.

I remember it all so clear.

They had me strapped to some sort of examining table.

There were two of them. Maybe three.

Maybe more than that. A couple more. No, maybe less.

Well, there were less than six, I know that.

They were freakishly tall and gray.

I think maybe green. Maybe greenish-gray.

They could read my mind. They were getting into my brain.

And I couldn't take it any longer!

(SCREAMING)

(CLANGS)

And I woke up with this bruise.

And that's a sure sign of an alien abduction.

True as turkey.

There's no other explanation.

Fascinating. Now, can you tell me exactly where and when you had your encounter?

No, no, what is said in group, stays in group.

Not everyone here is comfortable announcing their experiences to the world.

How about you Mr. Fancy Pants, what's your story?

Hold on to your hats, gentlemen, and prepare to have your minds blown!

I mean those of you who have one to blow.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ: You maybe right, Milo.

The key to everything is the backpack.

I think I...

Hey, someone could trip.

Back away from the dangerous spheroid.

I could just pick it up...

Behold! The Shrinkinator!

(ZAPS LASER)

It's supposed to shrink, I don't know why it got so big...

Or I don't know why it's moving on its own volition!

¶ Sometimes it looks like there is no solution

¶ You wish you had a stronger constitution

¶ Don't have to worry 'bout mistakes you made

¶ When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade

¶ Hey, whatcha gonna do?

¶ There's gotta be something that'll get you through

¶ The world is gonna shake you But don't you let it break you in two

¶ Oh yeah

¶ You can schedule and plan, but you gotta understand

¶ You're never really in control

¶ You gotta learn to let go and just roll with it ¶

Ah, see, it was working.

I just missed. I didn't make the ball bigger.

I made the school and us smaller.

See? It worked. It's working, it's...

It's functioning properly, at least.

Wait a minute. Where's the school?

(LASER ZAPS)

(YELLING)

Oh, no, not the ducks! Not the ducks!

What I'm about to tell you is top secret.

There's a clandestine government agency that deals with interstellar visitors.

ALL: I knew it.

The government has been covertly covering up

the existence of aliens altogether.

ALL: I knew it!

To the point that they appoint people to pick up the extraterrestrial's garbage.

Now, that's just crazy.

How stupid do you think we are? Nobody would do that.

No, it's true. I worked for the government agency PIG.

PIG?

Paranormal Investigation Group.

Actually, I worked for the subdivision of that group which is also called PIG,

but it stands for Purveyors of Intergalactic Garbage. But you get the idea.

And once I proved the real danger to my boss, Mr. Blanc...

Your boss who makes you pick up trash.

Yes, but you're missing the point.

Which is what? That you're some kinda alien garbage man?

No, I mean... Yes, but in a way, but...

Are you makin' fun of us?

No, I'm not making fun of you and believe me, that's taken a lot of restraint,

because your gentlemen are absolutely...

(DIOGEE BARKS)

Diogee, go home. You shouldn't be at school.

Oh, wait. Domestic animal who's in the classroom.

Total candidate for Murphy's Law.

I got this. Time for the go-home-inator.

Is everyone beholding?

(LASER ZAPS)

Okay, I'm going home.

(PATIENT GROANS)

(ORGAN PLAYS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Uh. Safe. I guess.

Mark my words. Something strange is afoot.

There is more going on here than anyone is telling you.

The aliens are among us!

He knows too much. We must remove him from the equation.

Wait. Why are we going home?

(BARKS)

Yes! Another victory over Murphy's Law!

Victory dance!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, that's right. I got it.

I got it. Look at me, mama.

I'm like a cereal commercial from the '80s.

Ow!

I give up, Milo.

I packed my backpack, I tried to do everything you do,

but I was still unable to deal with all the bad stuff that happened.

You know, you can seriously limit the number of bad things that happen to you

by thinking things through a little better, Dr. D.

Thinking things through? A little better?

Dr. D?

Hmm.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen.

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

Maintaining minimum safe distance from designate Milo Murphy.

Negative probability ions. Moderate.

I already sent you that form twice.

I know people say triplicate, but nobody knows what that means.

Why do I need to send you a form if I'm already...

Look. I'm just trying to command an intergalactic space fleet.

So if somebody from maintenance could just come up...

(LINE DISCONNECTS) Hello? Hello.

Pilot, where are my field agents? They should've been here by now.

Another one for the books!

Gentlemen. Impressive camouflage, you are my very best.

My favorites.

Oh, wait. We have more.

Yeah, no. No cows this time.

But I do need your special talents.

Well, we are your favorites.

You said it, we didn't. We said after you said it,

but we were just agreeing with you. (CLEARS THROAT)

I need you to recover a biological tissue sample

from Earth human designate Milo Murphy.

May I say, ma'am... Uh, no, ma'am.

With respect, ma'am. This is what happened

when we were just trying to observe him.

And that's exactly why I'm sending the two of you.

My favorites.

(BOTH GULP)

We're still her favorites.

She said it first.

I just hope he gets better soon. For his sake and for ours.

I actually had to take the bus to school today.

I'm boring myself just talking about it.

Hey, Mrs. Murphy. Hey, kids.

Milo's upstairs. Thanks for bringing his homework by.

So how bad is he?

Oh, I think he'll be fine by tomorrow.

Usually, Murphy's Law tends to ebb a bit when Milo is sick.

So it's a good time for him to rest up.

And the rest of us to get some work done.

I'm making a costume based on the Guark Captain from episode 264b of season 10...

And that's our cue.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

How's it going, guys?

We're leaving. We just brought your homework.

Oh, goodie.

No! Don't come any closer. I mean don't get up.

Feel better, patient zero. Be strong.

Feel better soon. It's boring out here without you.

Nailed it. Yeah, we did.

¶ Agent P ¶

Ah, Perry the Platypus, how domestic of you to stop by.

What do you think of my new digs?

I know you've seen the place before, but look, I put up a new sign.

Doofenshmirtz Good Incorporated, see?

¶ Doofenshmirtz Good Incorporated ¶

I have no idea where that comes from.

Anyway I'm serious about this "good" thing.

And I'm so glad you're here. I want your feedback on something.

I'm thinking of creating an alter ego like "Do-gooder Doof."

Like a superhero kind of thing.

I have to admit. I did go buy a costume,

and there it is right over by the shed.

And I may have tried it on just to see if it fits.

And I did take Diogee for a walk with it on,

but I must admit, all modesty aside, I cut quite a dashing figure in it. Right, Diogee?

Right? Right? Oh, what does he know, he's just a dog.

You know, I'm gonna put on the costume again.

You can be my sidekick. What do you say?

Do-gooder Doof, and his platypus partner in... Not... Not crime...

In, in some other thing.

Some good thing. I'm sure there are plenty of good things

you and I and my inators can do together.

Do-gooder Doof. I'm gonna go put on the costume.

I don't know why it's chicken-themed. That's all they had at the store.

Thank you once again, Agent P, for keeping an eye on Doofenshmirtz.

Even doing good, he's dangerous, so I know you have your work cut out for you.

In the meantime, Carl wanted me to give you these.

They taste better than they look.

That's not saying much.

The quicker we get to the second level where the Milo designate is,

the faster we can...

Okay, who put the sundial in the living room?

And for that matter, when did we get a sundial?

I'm running out of impressions.

Dude, I'm running out of breath.

(BOTH GASP)

(SNIFFING)

Copycat.

What? I panicked.

Hey, Diogee. Are you hungry?

¶ Ah yeah, yeah ¶

¶ He's got noble intentions but his recent inventions

¶ Just highlight his messed up planning skills

¶ He's just trying to do good and do the things that he should

¶ But if you see him coming you might wanna head for the hills

¶ Don't wanna start a fight, he's trying to do what's right

¶ So we oughta wish him success

¶ I know his feeling's right, don't wanna seem myopic

¶ But he's really making such a spill

¶ He's a Do-gooder Doof, he's trying to help you out

¶ But it's not the kind of help that you need or want

¶ No, he's not the kind of hero that you dreamed about

¶ He's like an idiot savant but without the savant

¶ He's a Do-gooder Doof

¶ Yes, he is

¶ He's a Do-gooder Doof

¶ Oh yeah, yeah

¶ He's a Do-gooder Doof He's a Do-gooder Doof

¶ He's a Do-gooder Doof

¶ Oh, no, no ¶

BOTH: Blecch!

It ate food out of my mouth.

I think it licked my tongue. Does that mean we're married now?

(SNARLING)

What is it, boy?

(DIOGEE BARKING)

I'm just taking a soup to Milo.

(SNARLING)

Come on, buddy. Let's let him sleep, okay?

(WHIMPERING)

Ahh!

This is terrible!

This house is a deathtrap!

All right, all right. Just keep it down, okay?

World's bossiest dog.

(DIOGEE BARKING)

No! Stay away from my mouth!

(MILO MUTTERING)

(BARKING)

The window! Let's get outta here!

It's worse than it looks!

Abort the mission!

No, silly, that's not what they smell like.

Moo! We're a cow, moo, see?

Throw me outta here!

(BARKING)

Amateurs!

I'll get the tissue sample myself.

At least we're her favorite amateurs.

I think this Doof gooder thing is working out.

Thank you, Agent P. From the entire tri-state area.

We did do a good job, didn't we... Hey, what are you doing here, Francis?

Oh! Bad timing. Must be getting rusty.

Wait a minute, Perry the Platypus. Are you working right now?

But we were saving the city together, one good deed at a time.

We were pals. We were... (SIGHS)

Sorry, Doof, regardless of your good intentions,

your inators are doing what they always do.

Causing trouble and wreaking havoc.

The only reason it's not worse is because Agent P has been there,

every step of the way, cleaning up your messes.

(STAMMERS) Is, is that true, Perry the Platypus?

I'll, uh, I'll see myself out.

I thought you were my friend, Perry the Platypus, but you're not.

You're my babysitter. That's it, Perry the Platypus. We are through.

I know we've had our rough patches before, everyone does, but this time

you hurt me, Perry the Platypus!

You hurt me!

¶ Agent P ¶

Did he like my cookies?

Nobody likes your cookies, Carl.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

(SNIFFING)

Ah, I love you too, Mom.

(SNARLING)

The negative probability ion's reading is off the chart.

We've never seen anything like it. He is the one, ma'am.

We're ready for phase two.

The abduction of Milo Murphy.

(SNEEZES)

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Whoa

¶ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

¶ You know I'd rather spin it

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶