Original subtitles

¶¶

¶ Look at that sun look at that sky

¶ Look at my sweater vest I look so fly

¶ Look at that mailbox Look at that tree

¶ It's about as beautiful as it can be

¶ Whoa

¶ Today is gonna be exceptional

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it

¶ Whoa, whoa

¶ Never boring even for a minute

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

BRIGETTE: Look at you, Mr. Handsome!

Did you do something extra special with your hair for the school picture day?

Just my same ol' signature flip.

Maybe this year they'll actually be able to get a good picture of you.

Oh, Mom.

What?

A mom can dream.

MILO: At least they got my good ear.

Fingers crossed this is the year!

Uh, yeah, the shower's free.

Were you waiting for the shower, Mom?

I think I'll use the one in the R.V.

And, I'm all packed.

Hawaii here we come!

CAVENDISH: But I don't want to go on vacation.

I want to stay home and cry.

We've been fired!

We're wastrels. Do-nothings.

We have no purpose!

Aw, you wanna bring Dennis?

(SQUEAKS)

Yes.

Greetings new employees.

I'm Mr. Block,

the great, great, great, great-grandfather of your ex-employer, Mr. Block.

But you're so young?

MR. BLOCK: I know.

Isn't time travel a hoot?

In any case,

I wanted you to know

that when you return from your Hawaiian vacation,

you'll be working for me.

What? True story.

When I heard you were available,

I snatched you up for my top secret government agency.

You guys have a good vacation

and welcome to P.I.G.

P.I.G.? What's that?

You heard him, it's top secret.

When we get back, we'll have new jobs.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yay for Daddy! (SQUEAKS)

Hey, guys. Hey, Zack.

What happened to your hair?

My mom.

Okay, just sit in front of the library backdrop there, please.

Why do you even have that?

We're already in a library.

Yes, but this is a slightly nicer library.

I love picture day.

Tell me, does this cape make me look pale?

Sure it's the cape.

Can't wait to see what stops you from getting your photo this year.

What are you talking about?

I've never been able to get a school photo.

It's like I don't show up on film.

Wait. You don't show up on film?

Some sort of Murphy's Law thing.

Mort. Milo doesn't show up on film.

What? He must have been bitten by...

A ghost! Yes! Wait, what?

No, ghosts don't have teeth.

What about a shark ghost?

Ugh, he was not bitten by a shark ghost.

Obviously he was bitten by a vampire.

MORT: We've never seen Mr. Drako bite anyone.

We don't even know if he's a vampire.

He may just have an accent. And weird hair. And a cape.

And a coffin. And...

(GASPS) Milo's a vampire!

But nobody will believe us because we sound like idiots.

You're right, we do.

And if we're going to save Milo,

we're going to have to get...

A bagel? No. Proof!

Then bagels?

If there's time.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Milo, be careful!

Easy.

Oh, hi, same guy from last year.

(SHRIEKING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm surprised he came back.

I've got this! Smile-o, Milo!

(OBJECTS SHATTERING)

(CAMERA CLICKS) This is harder than I thought.

Oh, well. Maybe next year.

No way. We're getting that picture.

Amanda, can we use any old camera?

Yes, but the photo has to match the others in the yearbook.

You have to have that exact backdrop

and it has to be turned in by 6:00 p.m.

Stop everything. I'll take the proof.

I mean picture.

Wait. Oh, no, my battery's dead.

And mine's just a bagel!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Okay, it looks like it's up to me.

(CRASHES)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, we're gonna get that picture, Milo.

¶ He's Recurring Raccoon

¶ He's Recurring Raccoon ¶

I must say, I'm quite chuffed to be out of the nut-guarding business.

But P.I.G.?

What does it stand for?

Maybe it's Pig. Ina. Glanket.

Hold on! Here it is.

Paranormal Investi... Glanket?

I needed a "G."

Anyhoo, Paranormal Investigation Group.

Oh, we're going to be Paranormal Investigators.

Actually, I think a glanket is a thing.

It's not a thing.

It's a glow-in-the-dark blanket.

It's not a thing.

CHAD: Here they come.

Okay, we just have to hit him with one of these garlic-filled water balloons.

If he freaks, that will be proof that he's a vampire.

Yeah cause regular people don't freak

when you hit them with a balloon full of stinky water.

We need to find the most reliable way to get a photo of Milo.

And by my calculations, the most reliable way to get anything done is...

The airport! What?

My cousin Zelda takes passport photos at the airport.

She'll get the shot. She never misses. (CROW CAWING)

MELISSA: Well, I guess we are going to the airport then.

Whoa. Ugh, it stinks. Uh, garlic stinks.

Uh, whoa, it's so garlicky.

(CROW CAWS)

ZELDA: (MONOTONE) Stand on the X, sir.

Look at the camera.

Thank you, step forward.

Stand on the X, ma'am.

My cousin is like a photo-taking machine.

We just put Milo in front of her camera and snap, it's done!

Hi, Zack.

Hi, Zelda.

Stand on the X, sir.

If he doesn't cast a reflection, we'll know he's a vampire.

ZELDA: Look at the camera.

Ah! I can't see! (SCREAMS)

¶ Zippy

¶ The world's fastest Koala

¶ He's the fastest koala in the world

¶ You know he's running around ¶

Great! Now we're gonna have seven years of bad breath.

Excuse me. Did anyone here get a look at the perp?

We did.

I'm gonna need you guys to come downtown and make a witness statement.

Yes!

You know what's an even more reliable photo op?

Mug shots.

DAKOTA: ¶ Going to Hawaii ¶

Pillow? Headphones?

Glanket?

Told you. (HORN BEEPS)

¶ Zippy

¶ The world's fastest koala...

Great Nelson's Turnbuckle!

Whoa!

Gentlemen, board quickly before that absurdly fast koala gets back.

¶ You know he's running around ¶

WOMAN: We're ready with the lineup!

Um...

Hmm...

Seriously? It's number five.

You sure? Yep. That's our guy.

MALE COP: Aw, if you'd mentioned he was a koala,

it would've saved us a lot of time.

(CAMERA FLASHES)

Thanks to you kids, we got that fuzzy little maniac off the streets.

No problem, Officer sir.

Um, can you do us a favor?

Hold still, it's a really slow f-stop.

I need to get a cat license.

(GROWLS, BARKS)

(SHRIEKS)

(DOG BARKING)

(CAT SNARLS)

(DOGS BARKING)

¶ Zippy

¶ The world's fastest koala ¶

How on earth did we end up in the Himalayas?

(SHIVERS) My mustache is frozen solid.

I can't take an entire week of this.

Great Bollywallocks! A Yeti!

A what-y?

A large, hairy creature resembling a human or bear,

said to live in the highest part of the Himalayas.

This is it, Dakota!

Yetis are paranormal.

This is the perfect opportunity

to show off our paranormal investigative skills.

Come! We must get a photo.

All right, smile. (CAMERA CLICKS)

Not of me.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

¶ I want your picture Want a photograph

¶ But I didn't know that it would take extensive labor

¶ And now I feel a little understaffed

(BATS SCREECHING) (BOTH YELLING)

¶ We better get your likeness on a piece of paper

¶ Doesn't have to be posed

¶ I can take one candid

¶ I can take one candid

¶ But I don't want to leave with such an empty-handed

¶ Empty-handed

¶ Just say cheese

¶ I wanna capture that look in your eye

¶ Say cheese

¶ Some five by seven and some wallet sized

¶ Say cheese

¶ I think you wanna be immortalized

¶ Say cheese

¶ I wanna take your picture

¶ I wanna take your picture

¶ I wanna take your picture ¶

Hurry. I'm holding the presses.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Milo.

It's okay.

You know, w-who needs a photo when they can have a day full of great memories

made with the best friends in the world?

You meant us, right?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(SLOW MO SCREAMS AND CLICKS)

(SCREAMING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Chad?

Uh, Chad?

I... I don't think he...

Chad? CHAD: Finally.

We have proof.

ALL: Aw!

Oh, I guess we were wrong.

No vampire. Delete.

ALL: (SHOUT) No!

(CHAD GRUNTS)

Oh, sorry about that, my boy.

Hi, Cavendish and Dakota.

Hello, Murphy and your lot.

Gotta run. We've vital government business to attend to.

Cheery Bye!

Quickly! Send that photo to me before anything else happens.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

CAVENDISH: Sir, we have made an amazing discovery.

We need you to see this

Uh, okay.

I'll bite. Who's the kid?

No, no, no! This isn't my phone!

We had a picture of a Yeti.

We were doing our jobs as Paranormal Investigators.

Excuse me? Paranormal Investigation Group.

The acronym. We figured it out.

Oh, yes, but you will be in the janitorial division.

Which is also P.I.G.

Purgers of Intergalactic Garbage. (CHUCKLES)

Aliens are such litter bugs.

But you won't be doing any actual investigation.

We have competent people for that.

Wait. There are aliens?

Welcome aboard.

BRIGETTE: Well, maybe next year Milo.

(CHUCKLES) Can't say we didn't try, Mom.

Aw, who needs a picture when I've got the real thing right here?

The shower in the R.V. is free.

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(MUNCHING)

We're out of chips.

Hello.

Out of chips. Anyone? Chip me over here? Any...

Where is everybody?

Ew!

Oh, right, they go out during the day. Huh.

Guess it's just you and me, doggy.

Little puppy.

You know, you look familiar to me.

You remind me of somebody that I met this summer.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Actually, I don't remember this part because I wasn't there.

But apparently, this is where the story starts.

So, let's just go with it.

So, can we do something safe today?

I'm kind of Murphyed out.

It doesn't really work that way.

Can we at least try for an uneventful day?

Well, there is a new ice cream parlor that opened up nearby.

Ice cream is usually pretty uneventful.

Okay then, ice cream it is.

(BARKS) Diogee, go home.

You can't go to the ice cream parlor with us.

Poor Diogee. He never gets to do anything interesting.

Good day, Agent G.

While you're trying to escape my fast hardening maple syrup,

you have to be asking yourself,

"How's my sworn enemy, Dr. Not-Sorry, greatest Canadian evil scientist ever,

"like, still alive, eh?"

I mean, I, like, blew up this maple tree mountain fortress, eh.

Well, guess what? My plaid lab coat doesn't just look good.

It's like explosion proof, eh.

(CHUCKLES) Ain't it a beauty?

Okay, time to end this, eh.

I know I'm rushing this, but like an evil Canadian, I'm not polite.

Oh, bear, that was, like, my favorite. Ow!

Okay, now you've done it, eh.

Oh, it's go time now.

Not sorry.

Not sorry.

(GRUNTS)

Not sorry.

Not sorry about that one.

(SCREAMING)

(WIND HOWLING)

Hmm?

(YELPS)

Guten Morgen, Agent G.

I thought I would welcome you by wearing this Lederhosen.

The traditional garb of your Germanic homeland...

Carl, are you sure this is Agent G from our German division?

He doesn't look much like his profile picture.

It's probably 'cause his eyes are covered sir.

You know what they say, the eyes are the window to the soul.

Carl, what have I told you?

We're spies, not poets.

And don't forget it.

Anyhoo, Agent G, thanks for filling in while Agent P is on vacation.

Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks and by old...

Agent G! Where'd he go?

He's sniffing the equipment, sir.

MONOGRAM: What a pro.

Familiarizing himself with every piece of equipment before the mission.

Agent G, we know you want to get right to business.

So we programmed the autocopter

to take you directly to Doofenshmirtz's lair.

Now, get out there and stop Doofenshmirtz.

He's uh, he's stuck in the corner, sir.

MONOGRAM: I'm sure he's just a little turned around after his long plane flight.

Carl, help him out.

All right, Agent G. Go get Doofenshmirtz.

(SPY THEMED MUSIC PLAYING)

You could learn a lot from him, Carl.

¶ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated ¶

(SNIFFING)

Ah-ha! Gotcha, Perry the Platyp... Wait.

Wait a second. You're not Perry the Platypus.

Oh, I see how things are.

I guess I'm not on the A-list anymore and I get stuck with...

What are you? Some kind of, some kind of dog, I guess?

Okay, well give me your best shot, Agent...

I don't know what your name is, uh,

I... I'm just gonna call you Nigel Weatherbone.

That sounds like an agent.

And has bone in it 'cause your a dog.

Okay, Nigel Weatherbone,

give me your best shot.

Um, why isn't Agent G doing anything sir?

Ugh, I knew we sent him out too quickly.

I should have given him one more briefing.

Don't get your lederhosen in a pretzel, Carl.

Agent G knows exactly what he's doing.

He's sussing out the situation,

and when he's found the weakness in Doofenshmirtz's armor,

he'll strike!

(PANTING)

(SIGHS) So, aren't you gonna do anything, Agent Weatherbone?

Perry the Platypus used to try to escape but...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be judgmental.

I'm sure you've got your own M.O. that works for you.

Your own modus operandi.

Maybe you're waiting for my reveal. Maybe that's it.

Behold!

The Shock Absorber Absorbinator.

It finds all the shock absorbers in the tri-state area

and absorbs them into this canister.

Then I can sell them back to the unwitting public

for a considerably mark-up.

People will come crawling to me.

Literally, because they have no shock absorbers.

And driving will be slightly uncomfortable.

(DIOGEE WHINES)

What's the matter? Do you feel sorry for the people

who are crawling to me?

Oh, you wanna play fetch?

You wanna play fetch?

Well, you can't because I'm evil.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, wait. No, no fair. Wait.

Nigel.

Where are you, Nigel?

Nigel? Nigel Weatherbone?

Where are you?

All right, where are you?

Where'd you go?

(SYSTEMS POWERING DOWN)

Oh, oh, I see. Psychological games.

Well, that's my forte.

And you're in my backyard now.

(CHAINS CLINKING)

I don't remember there being so many chains but...

(CLANKING) (SCREAMS)

Oh, I see what you're doing here.

If you're trying to freak me out,

you are not getting to me,

but I am gonna get out of this room right now,

is what I'm gonna do. This is crazy.

This is my place. I'm not afraid of some...

(SCREAMS) No, no, no.

Now you're just... (LAUGHS)

Please, stop it... (STAMMERS)

You're just... You're just licking me?

(LAUGHS) I hope nobody was filming that

because I came off a little less than manly, I'm afraid.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I gotta share this. I gotta share this. Oh, my gosh.

Share, share, share.

But I know how to get that little demon.

Okay, Nigel,

wanna play a little game of fetch?

(LAUGHS) You fell right into my trap.

This tennis ball's a lot more grenady than I recall.

Uh-oh.

Oh, shrink grenade? (BARKING)

Curse you, Nigel Weatherbone

and your indiscriminate fetching skills.

Stay away from me!

Bad dog, bad dog! (BARKING)

No, no, no, that's my dinner. That's my dinner.

Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

(PANTING)

Finally, I got rid of that...

Now all I have to do is get over to the...

(THUDS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, hello.

Hi, Mr. Fluffypants 2.

I'm just like... (STAMMERS) What? No, no, no, stop it. Please.

¶ Grab your raincoat And put on your relaxers

¶ Come on

(CAT SNARLING) (BARKING)

Stay away from my cat.

¶ Open your umbrella Seems like if you are watching

¶ Come on

(SCREAMING)

¶ Don't forget your way

¶ 'Cause you know it's raining dogs and cats

¶ It's raining cats and dogs ¶

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

This smells bad.

God, it smells like...

Fish.

Uh...

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

I'm not a fish! I'm not a fish!

I'm not a fish! I'm not a fish!

I have arms and legs. I'm not a fish.

When I offer you a real fish, you can't be bothered.

I see how it is.

Ugh!

Hey, wait. Is this tea pot shrinking?

Oh, you know what, the more likely explanation is that the shrinkanator is wearing off

and that I'm... Actually... Growing.

This hurts even more than my yoga class.

(GRUNTS) Wow, talk about a tempest in a tea pot.

(BARKING)

Oh, look at the little puppy. How did you get in here.

Careful, I'm in mid-thwart with a new agent.

He's around here somewhere.

Wild too.

(DIOGEE SNIFFING)

(CAT MEOWS)

Oh, there you are.

Oh, there was somebody here I wanted you to meet because he...

Well, it was another dog. I thought...

Hey, look, I know you guys don't all know each other.

I just thought maybe you had something in common.

Never mind. Have at you. (GRUNTS)

All right, Nigel Weatherbone, you have outstayed your welcome.

Wait, do you smell gas?

(GAS HISSING)

Oh, great.

(EXPLOSION)

It's been lovely having you.

Please never bark at my doorstep again.

Oh, yes, curse you, Nigel Weatherbone.

Ta-Ta.

That Agent G is amazing.

I'm gonna throw some dudlesack on the barbeque for his triumphant return.

Um, sir, "dudlesack" means "bagpipe" in German.

Uh, I knew that. It's a... It's a German delicacy.

Fried bagpipe.

I'm going to cook some right now.

Carl, go out to the store and get me a bagpipe.

Yes, sir.

(SPY THEMED MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

(SPY THEMED MUSIC PLAYING)

How you ever escape those killer electro-beavers,

let alone beat Mr. Skate and his team of henchmen is beyond me, eh.

Goodbye, Agent G.

(WATER RUSHING)

Oh, what kind of park has a cliff?

(SCREAMS)

(ECHOES) Still not sorry!

Congratulations, Agent G.

You did a brilliant job of defeating Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

Um, sir, this looks like a completely different dog from the one earlier.

That's because he's a master of disguise, Carl.

A master of disguise.

And that's the story of the dog you remind me off.

The one who showed up in the middle.

Not the one with the hat.

He was clearly a secret agent.

Or maybe you just look familiar

because I've been crashing on your couch for a month.

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ Whoa

¶ Whoa

¶ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

¶ You know I'd rather spin it

¶ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

¶ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ¶