Original subtitles

MELISSA: Okay, Milo. How about on a scale of one to ten?

MILO: I would rate this a six. MELISSA: I would say it's at least a seven or eight.

MELISSA: Wait, is ten the best or the worst?

ZACK: Uh, maybe we could rate this adventure later, you know, if we survive.

And if we don't? Then we don't rate it.

For now, can we just figure out the surviving part?

Well, we might be able to llama our way out of this.

Oh, just like the llama incident.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Okay, that's it.

You guys are always talking about the llama incident.

What is the llama incident?

I don't think we're always talking about it.

Yeah, what conversations would that even fit into?

A lot.

I would've had extras but you know, the llama incident.

Last time he came, there was a llama stampede.

My t-shirt launcher is still filled with knockout gas from the llama incident.

I've seen you walk a tightrope over stampeding llamas.

Llama incident.

Llama incident.

BOTH: (ALTERNATING) Lla. Ma. In. Ci. Dent.

BOTH: Llama incident.

Well, we might be able to llama our way out of this.

Oh, just like the llama incident.

Oh, I hadn't realized we talk about it so much.

Looks like we're gonna have to let him into the llama club, Milo.

All right, then. Sit back, relax and get ready to hear the llama story.

Actually, don't sit back because you'll fall to your doom.

It was last fall.

Melissa was stuck on a tightrope over the football field.

Milo, I can't do this much longer. What's the plan?

Not sure yet but I'm working on it.

Why are there all these llamas at the football game?

(GROANS)

MILO: And that was the llama incident.

Hold on. How did the llamas wind up at the football game?

Okay, let me back up.

Back at the turn of the century...

ZACK: Really? It starts in 1900? MILO: No, this century.

MILO: The year 2000.

ZACK: Oh, okay. Go on.

MILO: A man named Edwin Garner came into a large inheritance.

MELISSA: But the inheritance wasn't money.

What are these llamas doing here?

(IN BOSTON ACCENT) I told you, Uncle Irwin left me the llama farm.

Just not the farm part.

ZACK: Stop. Stop there.

Why does he have such a thick Boston accent?

Oh, he was originally from Boston. Oh, okay.

But I think you backtracked too far. Jump ahead.

Oh, okay. So, Garner bought a little theater in town,

a little 99-seat place, Equity Waiver.

Anyway, 15 years later he had a whole string of them,

and there was an avant garde play festival using Garner's llamas in the cast.

MELISSA: There were shows like Hello Dolly Llama,

Annie Get Your Llama, Death of A Sales Llama.

Some of the titles were better than others.

MILO: " Llamalet, it's Hamlet but with Llamas."

Well, I guess that quote says it all.

I always confuse camels and llamas.

Are llamas furry? Or is their skin like a briefcase?

Furry. Neither is like a briefcase.

I wonder what I'm thinking of.

A briefcase? That's it.

MELISSA: So, we're at Garner's theater,

and all things considered, the play was going pretty well.

Hamlet had just asked for forgiveness

but Laertes wasn't having any part of it.

I think.

And I thought it was hard to understand Shakespeare in human.

MELISSA: That's right around where Murphy's Law kicked in.

(LLAMAS GASP)

MILO: My backpack.

Stop that llama!

♪ Llama, llama llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama

♪ Here's a llama, there's a llama and another llama over there

♪ We've got llamas to spare

♪ There's a baby llama, and a papa and a mama llama in a llama mini-drama

♪ Better beware

♪ Como se llama, llama? What's the trauma?

♪ Oh, llama, you're the bomb-a and you're blowing up You're everywhere

♪ Formal looking llama is he on his way to prom-a?

♪ It's hard to remain calm-a when you're overrun by llamas

♪ Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama

♪ Hey llama, you're the bomb-a and you're blowing up You're everywhere

♪ Llama, llama, llama

(SCREAMING)

♪ Llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama, llama

♪ Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama Llama, llama, llama ♪

(POLAR BEAR ROARING) (MELISSA SHRIEKING)

MILO: And I got my backpack back.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What's with the polar bear?

And how did you get from the glacier to the football game?

Well, we couldn't just leave those llamas on the iceberg.

So, I used my t-shirt cannon to shoot knockout gas at the polar bear,

which we used to frighten the llamas in a southerly direction.

From there, it was a simple matter of a dog sled,

seaplane and public bus system back to town.

Okay, mission accomplished.

We just have to get these quadruped thespians back to their respective theaters.

But they seemed confused and unmotivated.

How do you motivate a llama?

Well, we could lure them with pistachios. Pistachios?

Didn't you know that llamas love pistachios? You're asking me?

I thought they had skin like a briefcase.

DAKOTA: Who knew pistachio gelatin was so heavy?

Who knew pistachio gelatin existed?

I could've sworn I had some pistachios in here, somewhere.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

Hey, I found them. Oh, that works, too.

Milo, what do I do?

(ALL GRUNTING CURIOUSLY)

If I were you, I'd probably run.

So, then you went to the football game? Let's see.

Hamlet, ballet, graduation, beauty salon, cargo ship,

glacier, bus, pistachio gelatin,

giant spool of wire... ZACK: Giant spool of wire?

Oh, right. Got ahead of myself.

So, Melissa ran as fast as she could, but the llamas were closing in.

She ran right into the football stadium.

Hey!

MILO: With the llamas hot on her heels.

She's with me!

So, who are the llamas with?

Hut! Hey!

Take this!

(MELISSA YELLS)

Your hooves are hard and leathery like a briefcase.

♪ One thing I can promise I've been all across this nation

♪ Never seen so many llamas so here's my punctuation

♪ Llama, comma Llama, comma

♪ Llama, comma Llama, comma Llama, comma

♪ Llama, Oxford comma and llama

Yeah!

(WHOOPING) ♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

That's right, bring it up here. Now, tie it to the railing.

There you go, one drum of cable.

No, I said one drum for Mabel.

She left hers at home.

Oh, I get it. Drum of cable, drum for Mabel.

Boy, is my face red. I mean, they sound a lot alike and then they rhyme and all,

but why would I think you need a big drum of cable up here?

And it was a lot of effort getting it up these stairs.

MILO: This went on for several hours.

(RAPID TAPPING) And... Wait, what's that noise?

Shoo! Stop that.

Go away, woodpecker.

Maybe we can distract him.

What do woodpeckers like to eat?

Uh, branches. Pistachio trees.

Yes, but the pistacia vera is a very sturdy wood.

That should give me enough time to tell you about the seat belts.

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

Keep going. Anyway,

Melissa was getting pretty tired of running from llamas.

Milo, a little help here. I'm about to be llama chow.

I've got it, seat belts.

Whatever you're doing, do it better.

Melissa, grab the seat belt.

Milo, this isn't working.

(EXCLAIMS)

Whoa!

Oops, sorry. I didn't mean to throw it that high.

I was just startled by all these llamas.

Milo, I can't do this much longer. What's the plan?

Not sure yet but I'm working on it.

Why are there all these llamas at the football game?

MILO: And that's basically it. The llama story. The end.

The end? What do you mean? She's about to fall into stampeding llamas.

That's how we started.

Oh, well, you know she got down because she's right here.

By that logic, the only stories you would ever wanna hear

would be told by dead people.

Just tell me how she got down. Okay.

(BARKS)

Melissa! I just remembered that Diogee is one quarter llama dog.

What does that even mean?

He herds llamas like a sheep dog herds sheep.

I've never seen him do that.

Oh, yeah. It just doesn't come up very often.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

ZACK: Wait, wait, wait. Since when do you know Spanish?

Well...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Okay, okay, but how does Diogee know Spanish?

Well...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(BARKS)

Just finish the llama story. Okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(DIOGEE BARKING)

Good boy.

Now, jump.

No, I meant Melissa, but you're right, that was ambiguous.

Melissa, jump!

Are you sure?

Trust me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, they're so soft.

They're not like a briefcase at all.

I know, right?

(BLOWS WHISTLE) (WHOOPING)

And that was the llama incident.

Wow, no wonder you guys made a big deal about that story.

Yeah, it was legendary.

(TAPPING)

Guys, I got it. Seatbelts, pistachios, Diogee, llamas, woodpeckers.

I know how we can get down.

Hurry, the branch is about to... (ALL SCREAM)

MILO: Hey, Mort, how's it going? Not great.

I just got this job and I already dropped

three of these flesh colored bags of red paint.

Hope you're having a better day than me.

We sure are. A few minutes ago, we were falling from a cliff.

Whoa, how did you survive?

Oh, you mean the woodpecker incident.

♪ Woodpecker, woodpecker, woodpecker, woodpecker, woodpecker, woodpecker ♪

♪ We're all livin' in it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Whoa

♪ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

♪ You know I'd rather spin it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪