Original subtitles

CAVENDISH: Why the bureau would ever decide to put us in this

dingy strip mall is beyond me.

Have they even issued last month's check?

I haven't seen one. Just keep an eye out for the landlord.

Hey! Rent!

You two owe me rent. Get back here!

Hey, I see you two. Hey, rent!

(DOOR KNOCK)

I didn't fight the five wars to take this from you two.

I better see rent by Tuesday.

BOTH: Yes, Mr. Phillips.

That guy really scares me.

Well, I guess we better check in.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

WOMAN: (VIA MONITOR) Your upper level management representative

will be right with you.

Your time is not terribly important to us.

Ugh, it's Cooperdink and Hampshire.

It's Cavendish and Dakota, sir.

Sure it is.

Is it winter there?

No, not today.

But I went back six months to see a movie I missed.

Ooh, which one?

None of your business, part two...

The shut-upening.

Your mission is the pistachio farm.

Drive support stakes into the ground near each plant.

There's a map and some stakes in your locker.

Gretchen! The map and stakes.

Just a sec.

You were supposed to do it yesterday.

I am doing it yesterday.

(THUDDING)

What about this Milo Murphy, sir?

Have you found out what agency he's working for?

There is no other agency.

I told you, he's just a middle-schooler.

Yes, but he's thwarted our pistachio mission, repeatedly.

He's definitely working for someone.

Unless, you have some evidence, stick to your mission!

Hmm, evidence.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have to go back to 20 seconds ago.

(IMITATES REWIND)

Ugh, it's Cooperdink and Hampshire. (LAUGHS)

That never ceases to be amusing, sir.

(MONITOR BEEPS) I'm Hampshire, right?

'Cause that hat and goggles definitely say Cooperdink.

The important thing is that we now have permission to collect

evidence on Milo Murphy.

Is that what you got from that?

Yes, that's what I got from it.

I must have been in a different meeting.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

"Niagara Falls" is the theme?

Well, the place looks great.

Thanks, Milo. Amanda, headed up the decoration committee.

And the refreshment committee, and the entertainment committee,

and the committee to supervise all committees.

Now, you get to have fun.

I've got someone covering that for me.

AMANDA: Thanks, Lydia.

You're having so much fun!

When I see that everything is going smoothly, I will have fun.

If I waited for things to go smoothly to have fun, I'd be...

Milo, please try to keep your distance from the decorations,

food, stage, ice sculptures, and, um, basically, anything that could fall to pieces.

(FEEDBACK)

You mean like, you'll be doing in three, two...

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

I just happened to have some punch bowl sealant.

Thanks, but just keep back from everything.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(VOCALIZING)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (HUMMING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOY SCREAMING) Whoa!

Hey, hey!

So you think this kid's doing some undercover agent stuff

at a middle-school dance?

Is that your theory?

What better cover is there? No one, but an idiot would suspect it.

I didn't say it.

And plus, we're carrying around wooden stakes at a party,

and not the kind of party where wooden stakes would be appropriate.

And what sort of party would that be?

If we were at one, I'm assuming we would know.

Ooh, devilled eggs.

Amanda, wanna come dance with us?

AMANDA: Can't. Now the sculpture's under the heating vent.

I'll help. I've got liquid nitrogen.

Of course, you do. And, no, thank you.

Ow! You had a wart. Let's dance!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (FEEDBACK)

Uh, oops, sorry, guys. I blew an amp. It will just be a second.

Perhaps, we should ask someone about this Murphy.

Why don't we ask Murphy about Murphy?

'Cause that's just what he would be expecting.

That's what anybody would be expecting.

Are you guys teachers or parents?

Parents. Teachers.

Parents. Teachers.

We're teachers' parents.

Gregory Teacher. He's in the sixth grade.

Smooth. Thank you.

Maybe we should put these to the coat check, what do you think?

(GASPS)

Mmm.

What a peculiar child. Yeah, he's a weirdo.

Are you sure you've got it? We can handle it.

Now, where is Milo?

Hot chocolate waterfall.

(EXCLAIMS)

Vampire Hunters!

Look, they brought wooden stakes.

"Wooden stakes"? Yeah, look.

(EXCLAIMS)

Wait, someone got in the way, I couldn't see.

(SIGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Wooden stakes. I didn't think it was that kinda party.

I'm serious!

Why would vampire hunters be here, ladling punch?

What if it's not punch?

What if it's blood?

You're right! It is blood. Really?

No! Hi, kids.

I'd like to check my poncho.

Poncho? It's not raining.

Well, I couldn't tell when I left the house.

My place gets so little natural light,

it's like a dark box that I sleep in.

This is what I was afraid of. They're after Mr. Draco.

If he's really a vampire, those wooden stakes will kill him.

But if he's not a vampire, those wooden stakes will kill him.

We could tell Principal Milder that vampire hunters have...

Never mind. I'm hearing it as I'm saying it.

If they want Draco, they'll have to go through us.

He maybe a vampire, which I still maintain he's not,

but he's our vampire, which I still maintain he's not.

Oof!

You might not want to... (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(CROWD GASPING) AMANDA: No!

...use a 10-watt power-strip for a 50-watt line.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

On the bright side, you don't have to see the wreckage.

Milo is that you?

I can't see through the haze of my own demise.

Yep. I'm going to look for the fuse box.

No, no, no. You'll just make it worse. (VOICE BREAKING)

(SIGHS) Never mind.

I guess everything can go wrong already has.

(DISHES CLATTERING) I stand corrected.

♪ I'm not despairing

♪ But maybe we can start repairing

♪ With a little tender love and caring

♪ That would really hit the spot

♪ 'Cause you know I'm not pretending

♪ And I'm not in need of mending

♪ If I'm not broken then I'm bending

♪ And I'm feeling brittle and need a little TLC

♪ Just need a little TLC ♪ I need a little TLC

♪ Just need a little TLC ♪ Just a little TLC

♪ I'm feeling brittle and I need a little TLC ♪

There he is...

He's up to something. Let's go.

(THUDS) (BEEPING)

Hey, you drop something.

My temporal transporter. I hope I didn't send anything back in time.

That would be disastrous.

And lights!

(ALL CHEER)

Oh, my. Wow.

It's all been fixed.

And it looks so much better.

(ALL GASP)

Oh, we have learned some very important information about him.

Yeah, he can operate a fuse box. Big whoop.

(CHATTER)

Who did this and how?

I don't know, but whoever it was

lost their loafer.

I've got to find out whose shoe this is and thank him.

Anybody have eyes on the vampire hunters? Over there.

Hold your ranks, everybody, here they come.

Pardon me, we're headed this way.

Oh, no, you're not.

We know what you're up to.

Really? 'Cause I barely know.

And we're not letting you get to him.

The one you seek has powers unimaginable.

Continue this pursuit and perish.

Ah! A-ha! I knew it.

Powers unimaginable. Did you hear that, Dakota? Did you hear?

Yes, I heard it. I heard it. Yes! Vindicated.

Fine, can we go now?

Door's that way. Thanks.

Ah! There's Mr. Draco. I can't watch.

Excuse me. Uh, no, excuse me.

Chad, get off of me.

Did you see those guys? Weird outfits, huh?

Now, who's got my cape?

Hey, where'd the band go?

Hey, guys, I have an idea.

♪ Come on baby

♪ Sometimes it looks like there is no solution

♪ You wish you had a stronger constitution ♪

Amanda, come dance!

Can't. I have to find out whose shoe this is.

Whoever it is, fixed all of this. He's my hero.

Well, that's obvious.

♪ Do what you're gonna do

♪ There's gotta be something that will get you through

Milo?

♪ But don't you let it break you too, oh, yeah ♪

Oh, there's my shoe.

Thanks. No, thank you, Milo.

Wanna dance?

I'd love to, but I'm playing accordion right now.

Maybe later? Oh, all right.

Yeah, sure.

♪ Come on baby

♪ Just roll with it ♪ Just roll with it

Take five. I'm having fun for me now.

♪ You gotta know to let you go in case you roll with it ♪

Ugh, so, you did not complete the mission you were assigned

and instead you went to a middle-school dance.

That's not precisely what I said...

But it's basically what we did.

(SIGHS) Ignoring for the moment,

this direct violation of your orders,

do you have anything of note to report?

Yeah, get a load of this.

There's this one teacher at the school who looks exactly...

Tell me if I'm right. Like a "vampire".

Right. Yes. He does.

I may have a picture in my...

Do you want to explain where these kids came from?

Uh, are we still getting paid for this gig?

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ We're all livin' in it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Whoa

♪ Whoa

♪ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

♪ You know I'd rather spin it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪