Original subtitles

Ah-hyuck!

♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪

♪ Like father, like son ♪

♪ You're always number one ♪

Yes!

♪ There's buddies, there's pals ♪

Yeah!

♪ You always seem to work things out ♪

♪ Can't you see you're two of a kind ♪

♪ Lookin' for a real good time ♪

Woah!

♪ A real good time ♪

Aah!

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we'll always stick together ♪

♪ Always stick together ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Side by side wherever we go ♪

♪ We're always ready to roll ♪

-♪ Now gimme a beat ♪ -♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we always stick together ♪

Gawrsh!

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Now we're calling everyone ♪

♪ Come along and join the fun ♪

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ Baa ba doo da bop baa ba doo bop ♪

Yeah!

[Pete] "Food was my life.

I ate all day. I ate in my sleep.

I even ate whilst I was eating.

I consumated more than some countries.

I wore size blimp".

Aw, he's just big boned, kind of debonair-looking, if you ask me.

"And this is me today".

-[raucous laughter] -Hello, Mr. Bones!

Hiya, Pete! Guess what I'm doing!

Mmm-hmm. Boy, ain't you something?

Now just quiet down before I call the police again.

"With the lickety-split diet plan, I lost over 700 pounds in just five days".

I'm doing what they call anemic exercising.

Gets the cardio-vehicular system tuned up.

"Lickety-split will pay you big bucks to lose inches.

Send your picture and current weight

and we'll send a supply of diet bars for only $79.99".

[mumbling]

"...25 bucks a pound for every pound up to 1,000 pounds".

It's good for the heart... The legs... the arms... ow!

-[groans] -But not the head. Hmm.

Twenty five pesos per square foot of paunch, huh?

Ah, too bad I'm in such good shape.

Lousy, cheap, defective raft.

[grumbles] Cheap, defective pool.

Well, maybe I could find a couple of bucks' worth of flesh to shed.

[brakes screeching]

[tires screeching]

Oh, my favourite three words in the English vocabulary...

Money, money, and money. Hah!

And before long, that's just what I'll be rolling in.

Hmm, not bad for reconstituted cardboard.

Pete, are you snacking between snacks again?

[gulping]

For your information, these are lo-Cal, high-fiber,

top-notch weight loss bars...

-[belching] -Excuse me, with nuts.

At least take the wrapper off first.

I'm gonna lose major poundage and get paid for doing it.

I feel lighter already.

But it says here you're only supposed to eat one bar per meal.

Well, then, I guess you better get cooking.

I've had half a dozen of them.

So I need six meals to make this system work.

Fat chance.

Oh, Pete, I don't want an attractive, athletic man with a good physique.

I want you.

And besides, you know you never stick to diets.

You don't think I can do it, do ya?

In one word, no, I don't think you can do it, Pete.

[grumbling] That's more than one word.

[chuckling] And that's more than one spare tire.

Then I'll do it alone.

I'll see you around. And if you don't recognize me,

I'll be the rich, skinny guy.

[grunting] Cheap, defective doorway.

Well, now, let's see how much weight I lost last night.

I couldn't have gained!

[screaming]

Dropping more weight, Pete?

[Pete] Whoa!

[coughing]

Cheap, defective scale.

[Waffles yowling]

Oh, getting that dough is gonna be harder than I thought.

All I need is a picture of me minus a pound or 200.

[straining] Got to get this hamstring unstrung.

Of course, it wouldn't have to be a picture of me prezactly.

So long as it was somebody nice and skinny and scrawny and boney...

-Like the Goof. -[grunting]

Have to make sure I'm loose and limburger

or I could injure myself.

-Hi, Dad. -Morning, Mr G.

Where are you boys off to at half past the crack of dawn?

Oh, today's the start of the school fundraising cookie sale, sir.

Whoever sells the most cookies gets a certificate of appreciation.

Not to mention two front row seats to the rock concert.

Put me down for a box of chocolate cookies, the vanilla kind.

Come on, Peej. We want to move merchandise.

Morning there, Goof! How's everything?

Well, hiya, Pete. I was just heading off on my power walk.

[chuckling] Well, this is great.

Mind if I power along, neighbour?

Well, sure! Glad to see you appreciate the value of exercising.

Yeah. Well, you know me, Goof. Uh... my body's a temple and...

Oh, no! A man fell out of an airplane.

-Where? -Right up there! [screaming]

[thudding]

No, Pete, I think that's a telephone pole.

Come on, Petey, think light thoughts.

Just empty your head, like me.

Now this is good for the lower back,

the upper thigh, and outer limits of the inner clavicle. Ah-hyuck!

Feeling the burn, are ya? Ah-hyuck!

Well, like they say, "no pain, no Spain".

Or no rain, no plain. Or no train... Uh, no, that ain't it...

Don't move! There's a big, ugly black thing on your nose! Quick!

-Close your eyes! -I think that is my nose.

Cheap, defective camera.

Say, what are you doing there, Petey?

[stammering] Well, I'm... I mean, what I was doing was...

I was trying to take your picture, oh, idol of mine.

Well, if you want my picture, why don't you just say so?

[laughs] I want your picture.

Okey-dokey! [chuckles] Shoot!

[laughs] I'd love to, Goof, but all I got is this camera.

[camera clicks]

[wheels squeaking]

[panting] Oh, Max, we're gonna have to knock

on every door in town to get rid of all these cookies.

-Door-to-door? Are you kidding? -Well, who're we gonna sell them to?

To the two biggest appetites in all of Spoonerville.

Sorry, boys, but I'm gonna have to make it just one box.

If I eat those cookies, they go right to my lips.

-Or is that my hips? -[both groaning]

OK, OK, give me everything $1.50 will buy.

Now what? Your dad's too skinny and my dad's too cheap.

I'll be so rich I'll need my own bank to hold all the money.

[Burt] Incredible! Fantastic! Beyond belief!

After, and before!

Boy, I wouldn't have recognized him if it hadn't been for the hat!

What a creature! The perfect lickety-split weight-loss man!

Get him on the phone. I'll build a national ad campaign

around this Adonis.

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Who? No, there's no Adonis here.

I... oh! Give me that!

Your roast's burning, and the baby's diaper needs changing,

and there's a cab out front.

Pete, I don't have a roast and we don't have a baby.

Well, then, whose cab is that?

Ahem! Hello?

[Burt] Whoa! Got your pictures! Fantastic!

Yeah, right. Well, I... I never could've done it

without your outstanding dietary product.

Now about those 25 bucks a pound...

You're gonna put lickety-split on the map!

Yeah, ain't life grand? Now, I lost 180 pounds.

I make that 4,500 simoleons,

but let's just round it off to an even 10 grand. [laughs]

So if you wanna cut a check...

Of course I'll need pictures, interviews, family history, the works!

I'll be at your house in three days.

You'll what? Interview? Uh, no!

I got incurable shyness, and I can't talk to strange strangers.

I break out in chives, get lockjaw.

[chuckles nervously] Pictures?

Well, you can't have my picture took.

Er... superstitious, you know?

Camera steals the soul, yeah.

I signed an agreement? You sure about that?

Uh, breach of promise? Restraining order?

Firstborn male child?

Well, in that case, I'll, I'll, I'll see you in three days.

[sobbing loudly]

I got 72 hours to lose 180 pounds.

That's nearly 10 pounds a day.

[straining]

Hey, what's wrong with this thing?

Uh-oh! Oh, boy! Hold on...

[screams]

[coughing weakly]

-Cheap, defective... -[honks]

[moaning]

[humming]

If I can't work the weight off, I'll just sweat it off.

[steam hissing]

Ah! Just like one of them Turkish steamy baths,

and everybody knows how skinny turkeys are.

Whew! Another hour of this and I ought to be a regular beanpole.

-Oh, I bet I dropped a ton. -[slippers squeaking]

I ought to be down to skin and bones by now... what!

I only lost one eighth of a quarter of a tenth of a pound?

And only 48 more hours to go.

-[rooster crowing] -[Pete] I'll never make it.

They'll find out I'm not the Goof and the Goof's not me.

They'll sue! They'll lock me up and throw away the jail!

Ooh, wait just one lickety-splickity-second.

I got it! I'll assume a new identity. I'll change my name!

[groans] That's how I got in this mess in the first place.

I know there's an answer out there somewhere.

I know it's gonna hit me any second now.

[chuckling diabolically] And it just did.

[panting] Goofster, when was the last time

I told ya how much I admire and respect ya?

Well, let me see now.

I guess it's been about since, uh... never.

It's... it's funny, isn't it, how we never verbalize,

in our words, our internalest-most feelings?

[straining]

And you know, my whole family feels the same way about you.

They do? Aw!

Oh, yeah! They say, "Pete", which is me,

they're always going, "why can't you be more like that Goof"?

[chuckles] That's what they say, yeah.

They say that?

[sniffling] No, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not.

No, Pete, don't do this to me.

[straining] Goof, we love you like you were a member of our own species.

Oh, gosh, now I know I'm gonna... cry!

Gee, Goof, this is a side of you I've never seen before.

[yelling] Now get off of me, you blockheaded,

boneheaded, lame-brained...

I mean to say, would you mind moving over just a skosh?

Your posterior's crushing my exterior.

[panting] Yes, I wanna make you a little preposition here, pal.

What's that, Pete?

Well, I want you to show me how you do it.

You know, how to run a family,

how to make the dog fetch the paper and not wet on anything.

How to barbecue, how to sit and eat,

and watch the ball game like a real man-of-the-house.

Gosh, Pete, I thought you already knew that stuff.

Oh, no, Goof. You see,

it's all been an elaborate false facade.

I'm a failure as a father, as a husband,

and as a member of the volunteer fire department.

I am less than a worm.

Aw, and all this time, I just thought

you were short-tempered and kind of selfish.

No. That was a facade, too.

[sniffling] Gee, Petey, you know I'll do anything I can to help.

Fine! Let's get you moved into my place so I can observate you and learn from you.

And just to make things all realistical,

how's about we start calling you "Pete"?

Well, OK, Pete.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Tell you what, why don't you call me by my middle name from now on?

And what name might that be?

Goofy.

Goofy. [chuckles]

I like it. Got a familiar ring to it.

[Pete] Yeah. Seems he's suffering some sort of delusionary hallucinations

brung on by a fever he had in the third grade

when he was bit by a rat.

Yep, appears he's got a case of chronic hero worship.

On me, of course. Hah! Thinks he's me.

Doc says we got to work him through it real gentle-like.

Since when have you cared about Goofy?

Now, puddle-dumpling, I know we've had our little downs and downs.

But if that Goof and a fish was drowning, I'd save Goofy,

right after the fish.

Now, I have decided to let that Goof stay right here

for a couple of days and pretend to be me.

Just till he gets over this terrible mental anguish, don't you know.

Now, he's gonna want to act like me.

In fact, you'll...

You'll even have to call him Pete. Go figure.

So, just go play along with it, darling.

You know, you don't wanna be responsible for pushing that Goof over the edge.

Well, all right, if you're sure this is for the best.

Oh, it is, Snookums. [laughs deviously] It is.

[doorbell rings]

Welcome there, Pete, my neighbour named Pete!

Come on in and make yourself at home, Pete.

[chuckles] Sorry I'm late. Had to set the mousetraps.

Oops! Forgot to bring the cat.

Forget that and get in here! Er... Pete.

Thanks, Pete.

I'm Goofy, remember? You're Pete. Now repeat after me, Pete.

-You're Pete, got it? -[goofy] Got it, Pete.

-Goofy! -What?

Uh... Max, why are our dads switching names?

You got me, Peej.

What do you think you're doing? That's my chair you're desecrating!

[softly] Pete, have you forgotten? Rat bite? Third grade?

What are you talk... Oh, yeah, that's right, I forgot.

Goof bit that rat. Yeah. [forced laughter]

-Take a load off your tootsies. -Oof!

Thanks... Goofy.

[shuddering with disgust]

[snoring]

[sniffing and moaning]

Oh, smells awful good...

[sniffs] But I got to watch my figurine.

Oh, but my dad never worries about his figurine.

Hmm, guess you got a point.

If'n I'm Pete, I must have Pete's appetite.

What say we, uh, start a tab for you?

[TV announcer] And he's on the 20, the 15, the 40.

Now he's at the five and ten. The defense is closing in and...

-Oh, the humanity! -[whistle blows]

Tubby tummy, what's gnawing you? You're not eating.

Oh, how can I eat when I know he is in there

slamming his eyeballs all over my TV with his eyes?

[Goofy] Oh, Peg-head! [Chuckles] Got any more of them sody pops?

Just a minute... Pete.

[snarling]

If anybody needs me, I'll be next door, meditating.

Hey, feed the cat, will you, Goofball?

[Peter growling]

[Panting] OK now, Petey boy, easy does it.

No hyperventilizing. Two more days, and it'll all be over.

[meows]

Oh! Well, you want your supper, do you, kitty?

[screeching]

I let him take my name and sit in my chair

and chow down on my food.

Oh, I even let him call me the [stutters] "G" name.

And you don't even wanna know how I feel about that.

-[yowling] -Hey, come back here!

Open up! Let me out!

[wood creaking]

Uh-oh.

[thudding and clanking]

Somebody get me out of here!

[Goofy] That's mighty fine cooking there, lint ball.

Oh, why, thank you... [stutters] Pete.

I hope he recovers soon.

One Pete was one thing, but two is just too much.

Yeah, but this one gives a better allowance.

[burping] Got any more of them marmalade and wheat-germ pancakes?

[Pete] [grunting] Oh, there's got to be some way

out of this lobster trap.

[groaning] I'm so hungry I could eat a...

Chef's salad!

[mouse squeaking]

[screaming]

Food! I... I got to find food!

Food!

French gourmet cat food. And it's mine! It's mine! All mine!

All I need is a... can opener.

And I got no can opener! [wailing]

Open! Please, please, please, please open.

Please! Ow! [gurgling]

[gurgling] Help!

Where are you two going with all that?

Well, we're taking them out to Mr G... uh, I mean, Dad.

You know, that guy in the pool out back.

[doorbell rings]

Hi! I need pictures, stories,

the family tree, weight history, the works!

Uh... who are you? And what are you talking about?

Pete, there's somebody here from... ahhh!

-Pete. -Goofy!

Pete!

-What happened to you? -What happened to him?

-What happened to us? -What's gonna happen to me?

What have you done to yourself?

-Me? -The deal's off, Pete!

You look like him before he looked like you.

Hey, where'd I go?

I'm a shadow of my former magnificent self.

I've dried up to Pete jerky. I'm... I'm... I'm skinny.

Oh! Wait! Oh, Mr. Weight-loss man, wait!

Uh... there's been a slight misunderstanding, you see. I'm Pete.

No, Goofy, I'm Pete. Remember?

-He's not Pete, he's Goofy! -I'm not Goofy, you're Goofy.

You're both Goofy.

Then who's she?

You got to believe me! I'm me, honest!

If you're really Goofy, then what am I thinking?

What!

I'm too smart for a couple of scam artists like you two.

And if you don't let go, I'm calling the police.

Now look what you went and did, you Goof!

-I thought I was Pete. -[snarling]

I'm Pete, I'm Pete, I'm Pete!

Well, somebody named Pete owes us $300 for cookies.

Give me back my shirt, and my trunks, and my house,

and my TV too, and my own good name!

[Max] Wait a minute, what about our money?

[P.J.] Yeah, hold it right there.

[sighing] Well, it's nice to have things back on track.

If only he could keep that weight off.

♪ Gimme a beat ♪

[theme music playing]

Yeah!