Original subtitles

Ah-hyuck!

♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪

♪ Like father, like son ♪

♪ You're always number one ♪

[both] Yes!

♪ There's buddies There's pals ♪

Yeah!

♪ You always seem to work things out ♪

♪ Can't you see you're two of a kind ♪

♪ Lookin' for a real good time ♪

Whoa!

♪ A real good time ♪

Aah!

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we'll always stick together ♪

♪ Always stick together ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Side by side wherever we go ♪

♪ We're always ready to roll ♪

♪ Now gimme a beat ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we always stick together ♪

Gawrsh!

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Now we're calling everyone ♪

♪ Come along and join the fun ♪

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ Baa ba doo da bop baa ba doo bop ♪

Yeah!

Oh, man, our one and only Saturday of the week and we spend it working.

Whoever said youth's wasted on the young must've lived in a condo.

[tires screeching]

[Goofy] Hiya there, Petey!

Sure appreciate your letting Max earn some pocket money over there.

My pleasure, Goof.

A boy's never too young to learn the honest value of an honest dollar.

Besides, it's best they start with an enlightened employer like yours truly.

Somebody to ease them into the harsh realities

awaiting them in the working world.

[chuckles] They're in good hands, all righty.

[yells] What're you doing down there?

I didn't schedule any breaks!

So quit resting on your laurels and go unload them boxes!

Uh, what is all this, Dad?

Eye-popping, customer-grabbing sales-inducing,

strategic advertising appliances.

If you can beat the sweet cheap treat of Pete's neat car fleet,

I'll take the heat and eat raw meat.

-You'd really eat raw meat? -[laughs]

You don't understand the concept of advertising, son.

You see, if you don't stretch the truth a little,

nobody's gonna believe it.

Now that's enough gabbing.

Get down there and clean the driveway

and don't forget to use the small toothbrushes.

[door slams]

[snoring]

Well, go ahead, Peej. Ask him.

Uh, Dad? Great stickers, Dad.

[stammers] Listen, could we, uh, maybe get, sort of, you know,

paid for the, uh, work we did?

Why, sure, son.

Twenty-five cents for twelve hours work?

[laughs] Sorry, my mistake.

Quarters and nickels look too much alike.

I thought we were at least getting minimum wage.

You can't get much more minimum than that.

I knew we should've joined a union.

So, you expect the world handed

to you on a silver platter, is that it?

Think you ought to be earning corporate level, executive-type wages, eh?

I used to walk through snow five miles deep,

twelve days a week, just to get to the coal mine.

No time off, not even Arbor Day.

Now that was a real job!

Maybe it's time you Rockefellers learned what it's like in the real world.

Maybe it's time you had a real job!

Aren't there child labor laws in this country?

[sputters]

Now you're getting a taste of the real working world.

[guffaws]

[air hissing]

Ah, I love the smell of newsprint in the morning.

Especially when it's a newspaper running my ad. [laughs]

Too bad they got to put all this news stuff on the front page.

Why, I'm gonna have more customers than you can shake a dipstick at,

thanks to this thin ad.

All right, where'd they hide it?

[both screaming]

Why, it should've been on page one for what I shelled out!

What? Why, why, that's not an ad, it's a wart!

Where do they come off charging 15 bucks for the likes of that?

Ooh! They're even bigger crooks than me!

Oh, if I was running this paper,

I'd never pull a low-down stunt like that on myself

and live to tell about it.

Hmm...

Running my own paper, eh?

[whooshing]

[chuckles] Well, look what dropped in.

What kind of grades are you boys getting in English?

Um... B plus.

[stammers] Uh, yeah, I... I don't remember exactly, Dad,

but I think it started with an F.

I suppose you could do the editorial section.

You see, I'm starting my own newspaper

and you two are gonna be my star reporters!

[chuckles]

Say, Goof, our boys are turning into lazy, lifeless slugs, wouldn't you say?

Well, Pete, I...

It's high time they did some growing up,

learned a trade, don't you think?

Learned to trade what?

Why, they're falling behind the times, losing that competitive edge.

Am I right?

Well, Pete... hmm...

Looks like we got some termite damage in here.

If we don't fertilize some good old American know-how in them boys,

this country's gonna go bottom up!

That's what I thought, too,

but I didn't want to say anything till I was sure.

-Whoo-hoo! -[crash]

[clock chimes]

Oh, so that's where I put them knitting needles.

That's why I'm starting a newspaper

and making our boys reporters.

Oof! Our Max and our P.J.? Reporters?

Why, the whole future of this entire universe

of our nation practically depends on it!

You wouldn't want our boys responsible

for the destruction of these "Untied States", would you?

[groans] If my Max knows one thing, it's not to destroy the United States.

That's from good upbringing.

There's only one slight minor little detail.

-What's that? -We need cash to get started!

If you kick in the front money,

I'll only take 75% of the profits, instead of my usual 80.

Well, um...

Hey! You're not pulling a fast one on me!

[chuckles] You'll take the full 80%!

You know, boys, I used to dream of being a reporter myself.

Would've made it, too...

If I could've mastered the English language.

[chuckles] Here we are.

Genuine authentic imitation artificial reporter outfits.

Been keeping them in mothballs all these years.

[mispronounces] Voila! If you'll pardon my French.

Oh, Maxie. You remind me of you when you were your age, only younger.

Come on, Peej. We're gonna be rich and famous before supper!

Well, now don't go counting your chickens with a hatchet.

There's lots to know about reporterin'.

And that's why I'm gonna give you my old book.

Tells you everything you ever wanted to know

about being a reporter...

[grunts]

But didn't have the sense to ask.

Thanks, Dad!

[clears throat]

[narrator] How to be a reporter.

Ah, the journalist.

Deeply do we revere the finest practitioners

of this most illustrious craft!

Though even a certified hack can pull a good six-figure income.

Uh, we still don't know how to start.

[narrator] Chapter one:

The reporter starts by finding a subject upon which to report.

Bingo!

[narrator] The alert reporter notes his subject's every move,

missing no detail.

3:15 P.M.

An awesome dog was seen burying a bone in a hole that was, uh...

That was, uh...

-Awesome? -[P.J.] Works for me.

[narrator] Chapter two:

Journalistic ethics and responsibilities.

Don't get caught.

[dog sniffing]

[snickers]

[barking]

The awesome beast chased the mailman and it was, uh...

It was, uh...

Well, how would you describe it, Peej?

Um...

-Awesome? -Awesome.

[narrator] Chapter three:

Grammar, spelling, and style.

I before E except after C. Next chapter.

The dog removed a portion of the mailman's pants that was...

That was uh, uh...

What's a word for "awesome?"

How about awesome?

Naw. Naw, naw. Something... something bigger.

I know! Very awesome.

Oh, hurry it up, Goof!

We got a schedule to keep, deadlines to meet!

News to make up.

Careful, will you?

I paid your hard earned money for that copying machine.

[grunts]

[screams]

Nothing to it. Ah-hyuck!

[Pete] I'd like to see anybody not see my ad now!

Just make sure it comes out nice and crisp and clean and big.

-Here's the news that we... -Yeah, yeah, right.

Just don't disturb your old man.

Now don't forget, Goofer, my picture on every page!

Let me see now.

The paper feed's connected to the platen.

The platen's connected to the ink-well.

The ink-well's connected to the spray-hose...

Say, lame brain, are you sure you know...

what you're doing?

[tires squealing]

All right. Now let's get out there and sell, sell, sell!

Paper, get your paper!

Two for one sale, twice the news.

Paper, mister?

Paper, ma'am?

Hmm. "Dog buries... [mumbling]

"Awesome... awesome..."

[woman] [mumbles] "Awesome."

[man] I want my money back!

[woman] And I want my money back.

[man 1] I want my money back!

[man 2] I've been cheated. I want my money back!

[woman 1] I want my money back!

[man 3] You can't do this to me. I want my money back.

[man 4] I want my money!

Say, what's going on here? Let me see one of those!

The stupid dog... "Awesome...

[mumbles] "Awesome...

"Awesome!"

Why, this is...

-Awesome? -No. Awful!

I want my money back.

But, Pete, it's free to family members.

This paper isn't worth the paper it's written on!

It's pitiful, it's preposterous.

Why, it's downright putrid!

Oh, Max? P.J.?

Nobody's gonna see my ad when it's in a piece of garbage

you can smell from a mile off!

[sniffs]

Hmm. Got sort of a Lily-of-the-valley odor.

But if you don't mind my saying,

I think you were kind of hard on Max and P.J...

-Well, I do mind your saying! -They're only kids, you know.

Just too young to write a paper people will want to read

or know how to shave with a razor or do taxes or...

Say that again!

Oh, well, they, uh,

don't know how to shave off their taxes

or read a razor or do a thing so it comes out even or...

Goof, you're a genius!

[door opens, closes]

Goofer, we're gonna have the biggest paper this town's ever seen!

Finest computer your money could buy!

[coughing]

Look what you went and did!

[sighs] Now I got to go out and buy all new equipment.

[coughs]

[Pete] Come on in, boys.

I'm all ready for my interview. [chuckles]

Just don't be too rough. [laughs]

Just a couple of questions, Mr. P.

Ooh, Mr. P. I like that.

Be sure and get my good side.

In the last year,

how much did you swindle your customers out of?

-Swindle? -That's right. Bilk!

-[P.J.] Scam. -Hustle!

[P.J.] Do you cheat on your taxes?

-Ever lied to a customer? -What...

Ever told the truth to a customer?

No! I mean, yes... I mean...

-So you do lie? -Yes! No!

Yes... maybe... I don't know! I mean...

Hold it!

Hmm...

I get what you're doing.

Trying to dig up some dirt to tantalize your readers, eh?

[chuckles]

Well, you're not gonna find any muck to rake around here.

Now what say you go out there

and write about my nice, clean cars at reasonable prices.

And don't forget to mention how spic and span those bathrooms are!

Aw, the kids are already acting like sleazy journalists.

Ain't that cute?

I didn't spend five years in grade school to write about clean toilets!

You heard what my Dad said.

"Three-headed chicken gives birth to hockey team."

P.J., that's it!

If we can't find anything exciting to write about,

we'll do what the pros do.

We'll make it up!

Oh, I don't know about this, Max...

We'll have the whole town talking.

[P.J.] "Mutant half-human, half-rutabaga, half-hamster alien

"consumes citizens of Spoonerville.

"Elvis among dozens reported missing."

I really don't know about this, Max.

Don't you think we're stretching reality just a little far?

Hey, if you don't stretch the truth a little,

nobody's gonna believe it!

Well, if you say so, Max.

There! That ought to do it!

[screaming]

Well, at least that works right.

And it got that crick out of my neck! [chuckles]

Goof, I want one of these stuffed in every last copy. Got it?

Got it, Pete!

We're ready! Start the presses!

Now we're cooking with thick black ink!

Set it for 1,000 copies.

Oh, make it 1,001!

And while we're waiting,

the double fudge ice cream sundaes are on Goofy.

'Cause after all,

he got this whole thing running for us!

Now remember, don't toss the paper

till you see the whites of their eyes.

Move out!

[humming]

[sighs]

Hmm... "Half-human,

half-rutabaga, half-hamster..."

[chuckles] Them aliens must be on the metrical system.

Hmm, you know there's a certain familial resemblance

between my pal Pete and that there mutant alien.

[screams] Pete is a mutant alien!

[TV playing indistinctly]

Oh! I got to get some shut-eye.

I'll have a lot of customers to fleece in the mornin'.

[Goofy] Petey! Pete!

The sound of doofus.

Go play on the interstate, will ya? I'm bushed.

[scoffs] I thought we was best friends

and now I find you've been keeping secrets from me!

What are you yammerin' about?

All these years, and you never once told me you was a mutant alien!

No wonder you never introduced me to your relatives.

Wha...

How did I ever let you talk me into this in the first place?

But, but, but...

Quit making excuses and get those papers!

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[wind howling]

This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for gravity.

Whoa!

[growling]

[tires screeching]

[growling]

[gulping] Nice doggie.

[barking]

[screams]

Where'd you find time to go shopping for new clothes?

[Goofy] [sighs] Well, that's the last of them.

All 1,000.

But didn't you print 1,001?

Hmm... [chuckles] So I did.

I don't suppose one little paper's gonna hurt anythin'.

-[Max] Hey! -What's going on, Dad?

Boys, you and me are going to have a long talk

about journalistic ethics and honesty.

And how I'm going to tan some hides.

But first, I'm going to get a two-week sleep. [sighs]

Then we talk.

Oh, man, I knew we shouldn't have put out a paper

with that phony story.

You're absolutely right, P.J...

You see, 'cause when you don't... I am?

Television news. That's where our future is.

It's immediate, it's visual,

it's where the big bucks are!

Oh, Max, don't do this to me, man.

Come on... come here, Max.

[yawning]

[dramatic music playing on TV]

[female newsreader] Topping tonight's stories,

a seriously shocking and sordid scandal strikes Spoonerville.

Mutant alien Pete devours innocent Spoonerville citizens

and sells used cars on the side.

[Pete screaming]

♪ Gimme a beat ♪

[theme music playing]

Yeah!