Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver

- (THUNDER RUMBLING) - (RAIN PATTERING GENTLY)

JAMES: My father, The Brute,

says that reading Walt Whitman is a waste of time

despite the fact that we share the same last name.

And henceforth,

I will go celebrate anything I see or am,

and sing and laugh

and deny nothing.

YOUNG JORIE: Come on, James, catch me.

Run faster, James.

(YOUNG JAMES LAUGHING)

YOUNG JORIE: Come on, James.

YOUNG JAMES: Wait, Jorie.

Wait, Jorie.

YOUNG JORIE: Run faster, James. Try and keep up.

YOUNG JAMES: Wait.

Stop, Jorie. Stop.

Where are you going?

YOUNG JORIE: Come on, James, catch me.

YOUNG JAMES: Where are you?

Gone.

Gone.

(YOUNG JAMES SOBBING)

You're gone.

My psychoanalyst, Dr. Bird,

has informed me that I should try

and be more positive.

So, like Walt Whitman,

I wake up every morning with a song of myself.

I say...

I am James Whitman.

I am light. I am truth.

I am might. I am youth.

I leap from my bed to greet the day.

(GRUNTS)

I brush my teeth with enthusiasm.

Gargle with panache.

(GROANS)

And evacuate my bowels with distinction.

(EXHALES)

But no matter how hard I try to be upbeat and optimistic,

a dark cloud hovers over my brain.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

JAMES: One month ago today,

my sister, Jorie, disappeared.

When I look deep into my mind's eye,

I remember her like this.

(YOUNG JAMES SOBBING)

YOUNG JORIE: What's wrong?

Nightmare? (SHUSHING)

This is my friend. He eats bad dreams.

I want you to have him.

CARL: James!

Breakfast!

It's a terrific oatmeal, mom.

Uh, where's my spoon?

What is the face for? I don't get a spoon anymore?

You don't live in this house?

You don't know where the spoons are?

Really, it's just terrific, mom. Thank you.

Do you know where the invoice order forms are?

The invoice order forms?

What are you talking about?

What is this spice? It's... It's so...

I don't work at the restaurant, Carl.

- You live in this house. - Tastes so exotic.

- It's cinnamon, honey. - You know,

you're just as responsible for what happens there as I am.

Oh, really?

- Yeah, really. - Well, I'm so sorry

that I don't spend every hour of my life there.

- Oh. - That I don't actually

- hide out there to avoid... - Right.

...coming home and dealing with reality.

Did you ever hear me say, "Don't come in today?"

Did you ever hear me say, "Don't help in any way at all.

"Stay at home and collect a bunch of useless

"community college degrees?"

Because I don't remember saying that.

Well, maybe if I did go in,

I wouldn't have run off all the employees

like you run everyone else off.

Well, that's my fault. All right?

It's my fault she's gone?

That's my fault?

- Where are the chopsticks? - I drive people away?

- There is supposed to be blue... - And that one...

- ...and pink chopsticks. - ...does it right there.

- You're coming with me. - JAMES: I'm not here.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

CARL: I'm late. I got to go.

All right, so, have a great day.

(DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS)

- (SIGHS) - (ENGINE STARTS)

(MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

STUDENT: Listen, I said white dress,

but when I got there to the funeral...

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

JAMES: Imagine butterflies

drawn in by a flower so bright...

...they forget how to fly.

That's the feeling I get from Sophie Seltzer.

(BELL RINGS)

CHOIR: ♪ Why does my heart ♪

♪ Feel so bad ♪

♪ Why does my soul ♪

♪ Feel so bad ♪

♪ So bad ♪

JAMES: Rumors about what happened to my sister

spread across school like a stomach virus

on a Caribbean cruise ship.

- She was abducted by aliens. - Oh, my God.

She murdered a pimp named Papa Smurf.

She had a sex-change operation in Tijuana.

She converted to Islam and now lives in a harem

as the fourth wife to the Sultan of Brunei.

JAMES: I don't know the truth.

All I know for sure is The Brute kicked her out

- of our home and no one's heard from her ever since. - (HUSHED VOICES WHISPERING)

- MALE VOICE: He's coming. - TEACHER: The Enlightenment,

also known as The Age of Enlightenment

or The Age of Reason, was an intellectual movement

that dominated Europe during the...

JAMES: My best friend, Kwame, emigrated to the U.S.

from Ghana when he was ten.

But while according to Mensa he's a genius,

his grasp of the American idiom was formed primarily

by watching 1980's teen sex comedies on VHS tape.

If I'm "friendless,"

how could you be friends with me?

I tell people that you're my social experiment.

And that your mother pays me to be your friend.

We should probably choose just one.

Why, you crack baby?

Because if you answer a question

with more than one answer,

people will know that you're lying.

All the girls in school love Kwame

because his father came out of the closet in third grade.

I don't think this is necessarily a good reason

to love anyone, but still...

I wish it had happened to me instead.

TEACHER: In trying to solve the differential equation

that describes space time,

Einstein had to come up with a constant term

to avoid having the universe collapse upon itself.

JAMES: Whitman wrote that, "If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred."

I'm pretty sure he was referring specifically

to Sophie's left clavicle.

If I were a normal kid,

I'd just go up to her and say something like...

(UPBEAT STRINGED MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you a Middle-Eastern dictator?

No. Why?

Because there's a dangerous uprising in my pants.

- (CHALK SCRAPING) -TEACHER: ...the universe from collapsing.

(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: Oh, God. I overdid the return eye-roll.

Now she probably thinks I'm spasmodic.

Or that I have some sort of degenerative ocular disease.

Pop quiz!

(PENCILS SCRAPING)

Is she looking at me?

I think she's looking at me. Is she? I think she's...

- Son of a... - (HEART BEATING)

Of course all I want is for her to look at me,

but now that she is, my mind and body betray me.

(TENSE MUSIC SOARS)

Pencils down.

(BELL RINGS)

SOPHIE: James!

(HEART BEATING FASTER)

JAMES: I think my heart might drown in its own blood.

You're Jorie's brother, right?

- JAMES: Right. - Okay.

Wait. Just a sec. I'm coming down.

Your sister used to write poems for the Conundrum.

Uh, the Conundrum?

The school literary magazine?

Oh, yeah, the Conundrum.

What, you know it?

JAMES: Nope, never heard of it.

Uh, I read it every week.

It's a quarterly.

Um, anyway,

she did most of our poems,

she just put it under a different name.

A pseudonym?

Exactly.

- You don't say. - I just did.

Well, this is me.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

JAMES: Her touch is like the explosion of a thousand atomic bombs.

You're a fucking cliche of beauty.

What?

Nothing.

Anyhoo, um,

I feel really bad asking this. I know Jorie's MIA

and it's probably a really confusing time for you,

but it's sort of urgent.

Um, the Conundrum is up for this

national student award and Jorie promised

a graphic poem for the final issue.

Graphic, like...

Explicit?

Graphic, like pictures and words.

Not like sex and violence.

I see.

Anyways, I was...

I was wondering if maybe you could look in her room for me?

I can do that.

(LAUGHS)

Cool.

Thanks, James.

(KISS ECHOES)

JAMES: In my slow motion instant replay memory of this moment,

I will see hundreds of strands of her hair

floating down lit by sunlight.

I will become aware of freckles

that I've never noticed before.

I will realize that her lips

form the platonic ideal of a plum.

I will want to say something romantic

but all I can think of is how...

- Beautiful. - What?

- Nothing. - (CHUCKLES)

Dr. Bird, I almost had a full-blown "blitzkrieg" today.

DR. BIRD: I'm sorry to hear that, James.

And how did this particular "blitzkrieg" express itself?

Oh, the usual.

Excessive perspiration, respiration, and palpitation.

DR. BIRD: And do you know what set off

the panic attack this time?

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Sophie Seltzer.

I see.

Well, as Dr. Freud said,

"We are never so defenseless against suffering, as when we love."

Sophie wants me to find this poem

that Jorie was writing.

I didn't even know that Jorie wrote poetry.

I thought we knew everything about each other.

But, James, can anyone really ever know

everything about themselves?

(DR. BIRD COOS)

I understand that Dr. Bird isn't real.

But my father won't pay for a psychiatrist

and pigeons strike me as good listeners.

In order to find Jorie's graphic poem

and hence secure the rights to a lifetime supply of Sophie's love liquids,

I decide to conduct a covert operation.

- The Brute says that Jorie's room is... - CARL: Verboten.

JAMES: He likes to use words from Nazi movies

in order to make himself seem even more sinister

than he already is.

But why exactly is it "verboten"?

JORIE: Let go of me!

- I said let go of me. - CARL: Just, please...

- You have to calm down. - ELLY: Stop it!

- JORIE: Stop touching me! - ELLY: I beg you!

- Stop it! Stop it! - JORIE: Please stop it!

- Get off of me! - CARL: I'll let go

- when you calm down. - JORIE: Let go. Let go of me.

- Stop it! - Just keep still.

- Stop touching me, you brute. - You have to calm down.

James, do something.

JORIE: Let go. Stop.

ELLY: No, don't.

(GROANS)

Go to your room.

Go to your room!

These goggles are hurting my head.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CAR HONKING) - (TIRES SCREECHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪ Why does my heart... ♪

Kwame, do you think we're ever truly capable

of knowing anyone else?

What did you say, you sodomite?

Well, if we can never really know ourselves,

then we can't possibly know anyone else either.

And if we can never know anyone else,

then we're just these lonely little beings reaching out

for these connections with these other lonely little beings,

but there's no point since if we can never really

know ourselves then by the transitive property,

we can never know anyone else either.

James,

you need to find a lady

and kiss her where she pees.

That's probably true.

Sophie Seltzer and I made speaks the other day.

Hey.

Did you use your tongue?

You have to use your tongue in order to speak.

I've been doing sex with a lady.

- A lady? - She's 22.

And shacked up.

So you're having an affair?

Nah, doofus, she's havin' the affair.

I'm just gettin' some stank on the hang dizzy.

Don't worry, you'll meet her at The Baron's croquet club champagne social.

Oh, really?

I didn't know that I was invited

to The Baron's croquet club champagne social.

JAMES: The Baron's real name is Phillip Griffith.

He claims to be a descendant of Eastern European royalty

deposed by Kaiser Wilhelm I during World War I.

He's obsessed with projecting an aristocratic air

and is completely delusional

about his station in life.

I'm not good in crowds.

The thought of The Baron's party makes me sick.

Well, not sick exactly, but like my throat is closing in

and I'm gonna choke to death for no reason.

Suddenly, my mind becomes overwhelmed by dark thoughts:

Ebola, the heating of the Earth's core,

the disappearance of commercial aircraft,

the collapse of the gold standard.

But none of this scares me as much as...

Social gatherings.

Dr. Bird, is it normal to dread them?

DR. BIRD: Of course, it is.

People are filthy animals.

Oh, they are, aren't they?

Yes. My advice is to just be...

(COOING)

I'm sorry, did... Did you say, "Just be",

and then coo?

Or just be...

"Cool", James.

I said, "Just be..."

Cool.

Right.

I can't go to The Baron's croquet club champagne social.

Man, that's not cool.

Croquet is not cool.

- Oh. - It's an elitist sport.

Also, I'm allergic to champagne.

- Hmm. - The whole thing

- is a joke anyway. - Of course, it's a joke.

That's why everybody goes.

And you should probably just use one excuse, hmm?

The Brute won't let me go.

- That's cockamamie. - Is it?

It's malarkey.

Shh.

JAMES: She looks upset. I wonder if it's my fault.

But how could it be my fault? I didn't do anything.

But what if I did do something. I just don't know

- what she think... - (BELL RINGS)

JAMES: I attempt to time my exit so that we bump

into each other by mistake...

...on purpose.

What would Walt Whitman do in this situation?

Probably jerk off in a field and write a poem about it.

- James. - Oh, hi. Sophie.

Hey. What are you thinking about?

Um...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

Organic farming.

That's very progressive of you.

Um, do you wanna go for a walk?

- (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) - (BIRDS CHIRPING)

SOPHIE: So, any luck on the search for Jorie's poem?

Uh, Jorie's poem? Yes.

Wait. Really?

Uh, no.

Oh, well then, why did you just say "yes"?

Um...

I don't know.

Hmm. Weird.

By the way, can I ask what really happened to Jorie?

Annie Munroe said that she was strip dancing

at a club on Tuesday nights.

Is that true? I don't think it's true

but, if so, that would be badass.

Yeah, that's pretty...

...bad.

(PHONE DINGS)

Ugh, sorry.

It's my boyfriend.

Boy...

What's that?

This?

This is my mood ring.

Mood ring?

So you use it to monitor your emotions?

Correct.

You should never play poker.

Hey, what are you doing this weekend?

This weekend? Um, this weekend

I'm supposed to go to this champagne...

Wait, The Baron's croquet club champagne social?

- Yes. - Scheisse, I wanna go.

But I can't because I've got this stupid

relationship drama going on.

- Relationship drama? - He can't hang out

with my friends because he gets jealous.

Jealous?

Jealous like on an episode

of "Long Island Railroad"?

Victoria, what the (BLEEP)

Yo, I (BLEEP) love you, all right?

Then why don't you (BLEEP) act like it, Jimmy,

instead buying drinks for every whore in the club

with money you don't have?

Exactly. But somehow even dumber.

Well...

Then you have to come to the party.

I mean that's what the characters on the show would do, right?

- Totally. - Glory.

Somebody would get roofied,

somebody would vomit,

somebody would come out of the closet,

somebody would get emotionally vulnerable.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE DINGS)

Spunktrumpet!

Spunktrumpet?

It's the poetry of the streets, James.

The poetry of the streets.

Is Jorie some kind of coke-dealing Tuesday night pole dancer?

What? Where'd you hear that?

Please don't bring up your sister's name at the table.

- JAMES: But... - I said, don't.

JAMES: Before Jorie and I were born,

my mother had a promising career as an avant-garde artist in New York.

ALL: Hmm.

JAMES: That is until she met The Brute

who undermined her self-esteem by paying a backhanded

compliment in the hope that she'd hang around to seek his approval.

Do you like it?

I think that is very, very good

for people who like that kind of thing.

JAMES: The Brute soon used his Rasputin-like charm

to convince my mother to abandon her bohemian dreams

and instead open a sushi restaurant

in a small suburban strip-mall.

But no one ever really trusts a Caucasian sushi chef.

Is Jorie some kind of coke-dealing Tuesday

- night pole dancer? - Didn't I tell you

- not to mention her name? - "At the table."

- This is the couch. - Jorie is not currently

part of the family unit. All right?

Unit? Jesus, Carl. You're not in the Navy anymore.

She's not part of our family because you kicked her out of our family.

He thinks because he still wears a costume that he never left the service.

You're not in the Navy anymore, Carl, you're a fishmonger now.

- Hmm. - WOMAN: Feel better now?

(BLEEP) be someone in my house.

Today is not the day to (BLEEP) with me when I...

Give me the remote.

Tell him he doesn't have to give orders anymore.

Don't talk to me through him.

James, give me the remote. I don't wanna watch this program.

She was trying to figure out who she wanted to become.

But he knows better than anyone else

what they should do with their future.

- She's trouble. - She is not trouble.

I'm trying protect our family. All right?

Family... What family? We don't have a family.

- MAN: Knock it out. - WOMAN: Get down.

James, give me the goddamn remote!

ELLY: Tell him that if he wants to behave

- like a kamikaze pilot... - Jesus.

...we're all gonna die.

Stop talking through James. It's not fair to him.

Sometimes I just wanna squeeze your face off.

That's what I thought.

But how?

Look what you did.

- He's talking to the TV now. - No, he's just...

James, you're not talking to the TV, are you?

I should go to bed.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on.

What?

JAMES: Jorie smokes cigars?

At first, it's like opening a secret portal into our childhood.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

But then I start to find other things.

Things which I don't recognize.

What is this supposed to do?

Oh. I see.

Did Jorie join some kind of criminal syndicate?

Wait a second.

Is that the...

That's The Baron.

DR. BIRD: James, I believe you've reached the first crucible

of your young life.

And your crucible is

that you must confront your fear of social situations.

- Must I? - Yes. You must.

Go to The Baron's croquet club champagne social,

present him with this evidence,

and have him help you find your sister.

JAMES: Dr. Bird is right.

The Baron's croquet club champagne social is my crucible.

It's time for me to conquer my fear of social situations.

(GULPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

KWAME: This ruckus is making my tuchus twinge.

What's up, Your Heinous?

Hello.

And, uh, who pray tell is this?

This, pray tell, is James.

Welcome to my croquet club champagne social, James.

Thank you for having me.

Well, I don't have you quite yet.

Hmm. Come on.

- JAMES: Is he... - KWAME: He's eccentric.

♪ I know you don't love me... ♪

JAMES: Are they looking at me?

They're looking at me. Why are they looking at me?

I'm experiencing excessive and unreasonable fear.

I'm feeling self-conscious.

Like I'm being watched, like I'm being judged, like I'm being criticized.

- I'm afraid I'll make mistakes. I'll look bad. - (HEART THUMPING)

I'll be embarrassed or be humiliated in front of...

KWAME: Hey, ass monkey.

What's up your prison purse?

Why? What happened?

Did I do something wrong?

My son, I believe you must drink some time travel tipple.

(LAUGHING)

♪ Sometimes I feel ♪

♪ Like a motherless child ♪

♪ Sometimes... ♪

JAMES: Kwame is amazing to watch operate.

He manages to hold several conversations

while simultaneously Instagramming,

Snapchatting, Tweeting, Facebooking

and acknowledging the presence of every person who walks by.

♪ Sometimes I feel ♪

♪ Like a motherless child ♪

Jimbo!

Everybody, this is James.

Hi, I'm James.

His mother pays me to be his friend.

That's not true.

The truth is I'm his social experiment.

The mixture of beer and fear

makes time skip around.

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Eventually, someone does throw up...

...someone gets roofied...

...and someone comes out of the closet.

- (APPLAUSE) - (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

MAN: Woo.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Yeah.

MAN: Woo.

SOPHIE: James?

Hi.

- Sophie. - Hey.

You're never gonna believe me

but everything you said would happen,

from the Long Island Railroad, it happened.

Well, all except for, um...

Somebody would get emotionally vulnerable.

Wait.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were off fighting

with your spunktrumpet.

- James. Hi. - MARTIN: Hi.

Uh, this is my boyfriend, Martin.

Hey. How they hanging'?

JAMES: Stupid hipster pants. (SCOFFS)

- Excuse me? - Excuse me?

What did you say about my pants?

What I said?

Did he hear that? How did he hear that?

That was supposed to be internal monologue.

Um, nothing.

You asked me how mine were hanging in my pants

so I asked you how yours

were hanging in your pants.

Mine are hanging comfortably.

- Thank you. - James is helping me

find a poem for the Conundrum.

Oh, yeah? Too bad poetry is dead.

Martin thinks gangsta rap is the new poetry.

All that loud talking, lying,

save that shit for your man.

Sounds like blah-blah.

I'm like uh-huh, okay,

whassup, shut up!

That's an interesting perspective.

Hey, what's good?

(LAUGHS)

I want you all to meet my girl...

Uh...

My friend.

This is... This is Sally.

What's up?

- MARTIN: Hey. - SALLY: Hey.

Hey, come on. Everybody, let's ghost ride the whip, huh?

Kwame, that makes no sense.

♪ Just stay with me Stay with me ♪

♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Don't play with me Play with me ♪

♪ Play ♪

♪ Just stay with me Stay with me ♪

♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Don't play with me Play with me ♪

♪ Play, play, play, play ♪

♪ Pull me closer And touch me sweet ♪

♪ Never close your eyes ♪

Woo!

Woo, woo, woo! Whoa!

♪ ...like the first time ♪

♪ Don't walk away ♪

All right.

Well, it's fun, guys.

We're going upstairs.

- Upstairs? - (CHUCKLES)

What happens upstairs?

MARTIN: Come on. Let's go upstairs.

♪ Just stay with me Stay with me ♪

♪ Move your body ♪

♪ Don't play with me ♪

Champagne cocktail?

VICTORIA: Jimmy, where the (BLEEP) are you?

I know you know my sister.

- JIMMY: What? - VICTORIA: What did you do?

Maybe.

But there may be a lot about your sister

which you don't know.

Like, that you're secret gangbangers?

We're not secret gangbangers.

Then why are you dressed

like you're in a secret gangbang?

(SCOFFS) Because Jorie and I, we were...

We were into cosplay.

Why would people wanna do that?

Haven't you ever felt like

you want to be someone else?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Maybe sometimes.

Why didn't Jorie ever tell me

about this cosplay?

Jorie is lost, James.

I know.

I'm trying to find her.

Please, tell me where she is.

I truly don't have the faintest.

MARTIN: Stop! Stop! Stop!

What the (BLEEP) Martin?

JIMMY: (BLEEP) Oh, my God.

How many (BLEEP) guys are you sleeping in 24 hours...

I said I just wanted to talk!

Here we go with this (BLEEP) again.

(BLEEP) I'm out.

- Yo, that's right. Walk away. - I'm walking. I'm leaving. Yes.

- Walk the (BLEEP) away, you stupid... - (GASPS)

What the (BLEEP) are you looking at, you (BLEEP)

VICTORIA: Get out.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.

Go to her.

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

Are you okay?

(SOBS)

I guess I'm the one who got emotionally vulnerable.

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me... ♪

Well, at least you weren't the one who got roofied.

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

You're good, right?

What, what do you mean? You mean like in the sense of the word good?

Like platonic good or...

James, are you or are you not a good guy?

I think I am.

Yes.

Wait. Yes.

Well...

if you are, shouldn't you be trying to make me feel better?

JAMES: I note the time and position of the moon.

I look into her eyes.

As our lips touch, all of my worries disappear

and for the first time since Jorie went missing,

I feel at one with the entire universe.

I want to (BLEEP) the world!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

KWAME: I wouldn't tell Sophie that.

Walt Whitman would.

You're not Walt Whitman.

MAN: (ON TV) They set up a series of IEDs.

- (GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS ON TV) - A lot of my friends died.

I was a soldier. We were all soldiers.

We got blown up.

With no GPS coordinates for the...

(WHISPERS) Hey. Hey, James, you wanna watch a little TV?

There's a documentary on about the Battle of Basra.

Where my squadron got their...

(BURPS)

Are you drunk?

I'm intoxicated by life.

(SNIFFS)

No. You're drunk on beer.

Beer is a part of life.

You're 16 for God's sake.

What, you're gonna hit me?

Jesus, no!

I'm not... You know, I'm trying.

Don't end up like your sister.

I, and this mystery,

here we stand.

Oh, I got to lie down.

Huh?

JAMES: The weekend is spent compiling

an exhaustive list of local establishments

with the word "clover" in their names.

SOPHIE: So how's your mood?

My mood is indigo.

Indigo?

Nice. What does that mean?

It means that I'm happy,

at peace, blissful.

You are such a sap!

Come on. Let me see it.

Hmm.

- Hey, what's this? - What's what?

That's... No. That's nothing.

(SIGHS)

Why are you being so suspicious?

I'm not being suspicious. Am I?

Yes, you are.

I don't wanna act suspicious.

Dr. Bird says that in order to form a secure attachment with a love object,

it's important to be emotionally honest and not withholding.

I decide to confess to Sophie about my secret search.

Sweet monkey balls!

That sounds like Blue Velvet or something.

You know Blue Velvet?

Uh, it's only my favorite film of the 1980s.

It's my favorite film of the 1980s.

And if we do find Jorie,

then maybe she'll give me her graphic poem.

Hold on. Did you say we find... We find Jorie?

Yes, sir. You need a partner for this search.

Spit in your hand.

Spit in my hand? Why?

To seal the deal.

No. That's disgusting.

I'm sorry. Did you or did you not French kiss

my esophagus yesterday?

All right.

- (JAMES CHUCKLES) - (SOPHIE EXHALES)

(BELL RINGING)

JAMES: After school, Sophie and I

search for the "clover" that will lead us to Jorie.

- Hi. - SOPHIE: Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES)

What's this?

To document our search.

It's a real film camera. It's old school but...

Good school.

Because it's not disposable.

'Cause you have to actually focus on

what you're taking a picture of.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES)

You like it?

It's perfect.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(WILD WEST MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

JAMES: At first, our search for Jorie feels like this.

Excuse me. Have you seen this girl?

No. No. I haven't seen her.

JAMES: But then it begins to feel more like...

What are you looking at?

Oh, nothing.

Stop looking at me.

Stop!

- No. - Stop!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SOPHIE: Excuse me. Have seen this girl?

Her name is Jorie.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

JAMES: And, eventually, it begins to feel like this.

(CHUCKLES)

MALE SINGER: ♪ Da-da-da-dun ♪

♪ Why does my heart ♪

♪ Why does my heart ♪

♪ Feel so bad? ♪

♪ Oh, it feels so bad ♪

GIRL: ♪ Why does my soul ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Why does my soul ♪

GIRL: ♪ Feel so bad? ♪

CHORUS: ♪ It feels so bad ♪

ALL: ♪ Please open doors ♪

♪ Open doors ♪

- ♪ Please open doors ♪ - ♪ Open doors Please open ♪

♪ Why does my heart ♪

♪ Feel so bad? ♪

JAMES: Hello?

I'm home.

Hello?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Did something happen?

No. Nothing happened. I'm fine.

JAMES: She's not fine.

She just wants to play this game where she pretends

not to burden me with her problems,

but really she wants me to slowly coax it out of her

so that she doesn't have to feel guilty

for telling me herself.

Your father called me a parasite.

I was invited to teach painting in Provence.

Provence?

South of France.

My old professor, Jacques, he was made head

of the art department at the Universite Fictif.

JAMES: Jacques attended the Glaucus School of Art

with my mother in the early 1990s.

They were expelled for erecting a statue of his torso

in the lobby during parents' week.

(CROWD GASPS)

(APPLAUSE)

To my mother, Jacques represents the lost dreams of her youth,

though I suspect he's really just a dirty Frenchman.

When The Brute saw the invitation, he just started in on me.

He called your sister and I parasites.

So are you gonna go?

Go where?

To Provence?

What do you think?

What do I think?

(SNIFFLES)

I guess I'm supposed to pretend everything's okay?

Just forget it.

Well, um...

I think you should do what makes you happy.

Happy?

You're the only thing that makes me happy.

(SNIFFLES)

DR. BIRD: And how did that make you feel?

It made me feel...

...angry.

It's okay to be angry.

I feel guilty saying angry.

Why?

Because I love her and I want her to be happy.

But you can't actually make her happy.

You know that, James.

You are aware of that, aren't you?

(SIGHS) I need to find Jorie.

I have a feeling this is gonna be the one.

- Oh, yeah? - Mmm-hmm.

Why?

Female intuition?

Well, yes, that.

And also it's the last place on the list.

(BEES BUZZING)

Honey gets its start as flower nectar,

which is collected by the bees.

Naturally broken into simple sugars

and stored in honeycombs.

That's interesting, but...

We harvest honey by collecting the honeycomb frames,

scraping off the wax cap to seal honey in each cell.

Interesting, but...

After honey is extracted,

it is strained for remaining pieces of wax

and other particles.

- Informative, but... - And that, my friends,

is how honey ends up on your grocery store shelf.

Do you or do you not know Jorie?

Sorry.

Who's Jorie?

My missing sister.

Ah, yes.

You guys were looking for someone?

(SIGHS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Nope.

Never seen her.

Wait!

I know that girl.

You do?

But her name isn't Jorie.

It's Bianca.

Bianca?

I used to see her all the time at The House.

The House?

The House of Clover.

(PAGES FLIPPING)

What's that?

You're not gonna find it on any list.

Is it a secret house?

So then this is...

This is a front.

The honey pays the bills.

(SIGHS)

The honey pays the bills.

BEEKEEPER'S ASSISTANT: I just had to let you know.

I guess I wish someone cared enough to come looking for me.

But, please, do not tell anyone I told you.

And if you go, be careful.

It's a powerful place

led by a very dangerous man,

Xavier.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You know what the best part is?

After we find Jorie, and I get my graphic poem,

we don't have to hang out anymore.

Wait. What?

Are you serious?

But wait... But are you...

- Sophie... - Look. Look.

It's The House of Clover.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

JAMES: Sophie, are you serious?

SOPHIE: This is like a slasher flick.

JAMES: But are you...

SOPHIE: I have mine already.

I'll be dead by sunrise.

JAMES: But are you... Are you serious?

Okay.

Hey, watch out for that.

(OWL HOOTS)

(SIGHS)

Okay. Stay low.

(GASPS)

Did your sister join the Klan?

Maybe it's a cosplay convention.

(XAVIER SIGHS)

XAVIER: Energy.

ALL: Energy.

What is energy?

Is it simply a fossil fuel

used to power our motorized gizmos

and electronic doohickeys?

No.

ALL: No.

Is it crazy old Thomas Edison's invention,

the illuminating light bulb?

No.

ALL: No!

Is it the binding of a nucleon to form an atom?

No!

ALL: No!

Well, yes, it is that.

It is all those things.

But that is not all it is.

Why?

Because energy is also attunement.

Energy is also Prajna.

Energy is Eros,

the god of love.

- Do you see her? - No.

(XAVIER EXHALES)

Energy is a dynamic movement

where we unite our lingam with our yoni

to create the universal tantric tango.

Is this some sort of dance class?

No, James. This is a cult.

Time for ecstatic energy exchange!

(ALL SIGHING)

(DRUM BEATING)

(ALL PANTING)

(XAVIER LAUGHING)

I am filled with fire.

To your rebirth positions.

JAMES: Rebirth?

Oh, what the... Come on.

And breathe in...

(INHALES) ...and out.

(EXHALES) In and out.

And in... (INHALES)

...and out. (EXHALES)

I don't think she's here.

And in... (INHALES) ...and out.

So what do we do?

Yes.

And in...

(ALL INHALE)

- ...and out. - (ALL EXHALE)

In and out.

- (BOTH EXHALE) - Hold it.

And in...

- (BOTH INHALE) - ...and out.

- (BOTH EXHALE) - And in and out.

(BOTH EXHALE)

And in and out.

(BOTH EXHALE)

- In. - (BOTH INHALE)

- Out. - (BOTH EXHALE)

- In, out. In, out. - (BOTH BREATHING RAPIDLY)

In, out. In, out.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

In, out. In, out.

In, out. In, out.

In, out!

This...

Three alkaline teas with extra honey.

Find your breath.

Center your sacrum.

I think I'm okay.

Um, this is the girl we're looking for.

No. I'm sorry. We have not seen her.

We?

Me, myself, I.

You mean like...

- Yes. I mean like... - ...the royal we?

Correct.

Well... (SIGHS)

I think...

I think you're all lying.

Mmm-hmm.

And who are you who's making this accusation of me?

Listen, Xavier...

Uh-uh, long A.

Ah.

ALL: Ah.

Ah?

Ah.

FOLLOWERS: Ah.

- Xa... - No, no, no.

Pronounce the "X" please.

X-ah-vier.

X-ah-vier. X-ah-vier.

- X-ah-vier. - Give me your hand.

Let us hold hands while he learn how to pronounce.

JAMES: Xavier. X-ah...

X-ah-vier.

X-ah-vier.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hmm.

You've seen her.

I can see it in your eyes.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I just don't know. I can't be certain.

But you have very

compassionate hands.

(SCOFFS) Wait a sec.

Were you, like, her boyfriend or something?

No.

Really.

Not really.

Although, we did enjoy each other's

holy places upon occasion.

Ugh.

Unfortunately, Bianca was incapable

of transcending the shackles of her childhood

and chose not to follow our method.

Oh, thank you, Dennis.

Now, my young friend,

every spiritual journey must begin with a quest,

am I right?

A quest?

And this quest of yours, for Bianca,

this is a quest for knowledge, yes?

Yes... Well, no.

I don't understand what you're saying.

As it's been told and retold in the ancient story of Adam

and his apple and Eve and her snake,

knowledge often comes with a price, does it not?

Right.

And in this particular case, that price is $500.

What?

Cash or crypto. Either is fine.

Where the hell is my sister,

- you weird fuck! - (FOLLOWERS EXCLAIM)

She's underage. You know that, right?

Pardon?

She's 17, you sex pirate.

ALL: Sex pirate!

Uh-uh.

Is she? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No. Of course, she's not. But is she?

- Where is my sister? - Yeah.

I... I don't know. She's not here.

Her brother came and took her away.

What? I'm her brother.

Her other brother.

The ginger-haired fella.

A redhead?

We don't have a red-headed brother.

I don't know. She was here but now she's not.

Dennis, please come and escort these children

out of the sanctuary.

(DRUM BEATING)

- No pictures. Oh, Dennis! - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

- He's trying to steal our souls. - SOPHIE: Hey!

ALL: Dennis, they're trying to steal our souls!

(GROANS)

You know what? We're going to the police.

Uh, no, no, no, no. No police.

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

And I just want to clarify for earlier,

for legal purposes, when I said holy places,

I meant that as a metaphor.

Exactly!

No.

Reverse that. I meant it literally.

As in an actual holy place.

- (SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) - An edifice.

Not an orifice.

I find you vulgar.

James, please run.

Run? Why?

Because of this.

Hey, X-ah-vier!

(JAMES GASPS)

- (XAVIER GROANS) - Come on.

ALL: (SLOWLY) Ah!

My eyes!

ALL: My eyes!

(SOPHIE PANTING)

(SOPHIE SCREAMS)

- JAMES: Are they chasing us? - SOPHIE: No.

- But pretend they are. - JAMES: Why?

SOPHIE: Because it's more fun that way!

JAMES: I don't understand.

Do I have a secret brother from another mother?

James,

that was very exciting.

Was it?

Yeah. You were...

...so mannish.

Was I?

Yeah.

You want a handjob?

Uh, what?

Right here, right now?

Mmm-hmm.

JAMES: I think I'm finally beginning to understand how love works.

(CHUCKLES)

Tonight, dinner with my parents is a jovial affair.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh. (SPEAKS FRENCH)

We discuss the latest showings

in the art galleries of New York.

Now, did you two make it to the Warhol exhibit at the MOMA?

No. We went to see Modigliani at The Met, darling.

- Oh, of course. Modigliani at The Met. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

Our main course is a lamb chop sous vide

with a yuzu thyme reduction.

(SMACKS LIPS) Oh, divine.

Simply divine. (INHALES DEEPLY)

JAMES: And for dessert...

Tiramisu, pour toit.

A culinary coup, mon cheri.

Mmm.

- Mmm. - (ELLY CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

(BOTH MOANING)

(MICROWAVE BEEPING)

- (MICROWAVE DINGS) - JAMES: But in reality...

Wow. Okay.

You really went to town tonight.

Do I have a red-headed stepbrother?

Excuse me?

Like, literally, a stepbrother with red hair?

Elly, anything I should know?

Don't be disgusting. And no.

JAMES: A fire-crotched imposter has kidnapped my sister.

But who could he be, and why would he abduct her?

So who is she?

Who's who?

You got yourself a job.

Obviously, there's a girl who wants you to buy her things.

So who is she?

That's so misogynistic.

(WHIRRING)

The air's on.

Her name is Sophie.

Okay. Sophie. Mmm-hmm.

(WHIRRING)

You know...

You all like to make fun of me.

Yeah. You think it's funny that I'm a...

A fishmonger?

(CHUCKLES)

But, you know, when I met your mother,

I was on an officer's course.

I was all set to be a carrier group captain.

And then almost immediately her father died, your Opa,

and she felt like she couldn't make a living

as an artist anymore. And, well, she was dancing at night for money.

Dancing for money? What, like a...

At The Tunnel. It was a nightclub in Chelsea.

She started to hate New York. She wanted to leave.

She wanted me to leave the Navy,

go back home,

and start a little family,

and start a little restaurant.

Wait. She was the one who wanted to open Tai-tai Yo?

Sushi was her favorite food.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- (EXHALES) - Weird.

Yeah.

Do we have any family members with mental problems?

Why would you ask that?

Like an uncle or a great aunt or something?

Yeah, but why are you asking me that?

Because I have mental problems,

and I know that mom is always depressed,

and I heard that it can be genetic.

Stop that. You don't have mental problems.

Really, I don't?

Then how come my mind just goes out of control sometimes?

Jesus.

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

You never believe anything I say.

Look, you need to bury those thoughts.

Convince yourself they don't exist.

'Cause if people sense it in you,

they see there's a weakness and they exploit it.

It's mind over matter.

But my mind is the matter.

I'll... I'll get you a Tony Robbins DVD.

I need to see a professional.

Look, you're not sick!

Do you understand?

Stop acting like your mother, all right?

Try and be happy.

(SIGHS)

Look. Look.

Good luck with Sophie, all right?

And if you get nervous,

just swallow hard...

...and swallow it all down, and then it just...

...disappears.

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

KWAME: So you haven't shagged Sophie yet?

What are you waiting, hmm?

I don't know. I guess I'm just a little concerned

about premature ejaculation.

(LAUGHS)

Really? Really?

No, well, yeah, I am.

And she hasn't said she wants to do sex yet, so...

Hey! Hey, Dad!

(PAINT SPLATTERS)

Nice shot, Sam!

Thanks. I'm gonna go kill mom next.

It's like a Greek tragedy out here.

Sir, you have been fatally wounded.

Please return to the locker and wait for the rest

- of your party to be killed. - Yeah. All right.

JAMES: Maybe this is what a normal family does.

Maybe during the week, they hide their hatred

for one another under false smiles

and pleasant conversation.

And then on the weekend, they go out to the woods

and pretend to shoot each other to death.

Watch out!

Hey, James, life is short.

Shag Sophie.

JAMES: The only formal sex education I ever had

was on my 14th birthday.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Are you participating? - That... That's not the point, Steven.

♪ Happy birthday... ♪

That's not the point.

♪ ...dear, James ♪

Who said we can't afford any salmon?

He said I can't afford any salmon?

- All right. Then who said it? - Make a wish, little one.

- CARL: No. - (EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Yeah. I did. Sure. I said we can't afford any salmon?

Oh, really? So he said that?

He said that?

Look, just... Just have him extend the credit line.

Really? He said that?

Who's Dee Snider?

He was in a heavy metal band

when I was younger called Twisted Sister.

And I thought it would be a fun way

for you to learn about sex.

CARL: No. All right.

Look, would you ask him how am I supposed to pay him back

if he won't sell me any goddamn fish!

(GRUNTS)

- (HEART BEATING) - (PANTING)

Dr. Bird, I'm beginning to feel weird again.

- (THUNDER RUMBLING) - (RAIN PATTERING)

Try to define exactly what you're feeling weird about.

I'm afraid that Sophie won't wanna hang out with me

after our search for Jorie is over.

I believe that she was joking.

Do you?

You don't think someone can just like you for who you are?

You think they need an excuse to be with you?

Yes.

I mean, no.

I don't know.

I'm just scared of losing her.

We haven't even done sex yet.

Well, then perhaps it's time to express your carnal desires.

SOPHIE: Wow. This is a very scenic expanse.

(CHUCKLES)

So I would like to ask you something...

- Hmm? - ...if I may.

You may.

Well... Um...

We seem to enjoy each other's company.

Correct.

You know, emotionally, intellectually.

Yeah. Yeah.

And as far as I know, neither one of us

has any sort of chlamydia, or herpes,

or any other social disease.

What, are you waiting for me to confirm that?

No. No. Of course not.

But, anyway, um...

So I was hoping, taking these observations

into consideration,

maybe sometime soon we could...

- do sex to each other? - (SIGHS HEAVILY)

I'm so sorry. That was immature.

I was trying to use humor to deflate the situation.

I was being irresponsible and...

No. No. It's not that.

It's not you.

Really?

Oh. Okay. Then...

Martin's been telling people

I did horrible things with him.

Horrible things?

Really? Like what?

Like something called the Kentucky Tractor Pull.

Oh.

And the Canadian Porch Swing.

Uh-huh.

And the Cleveland Accordion.

I... It's... It's not true.

I'm sure it's not.

He's a spunktrumpet.

(SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES)

Hey. What happened to your ring?

Oh, no.

Mood swings?

Paintball paint.

Now, how are you gonna know how you feel?

I miss my sister.

Hey. You dropped something.

What is this?

I found that in Jorie's room.

Wait. Look.

Her brother came and took her away.

Ginger-haired fellow.

SOPHIE: Oh, my God.

- JAMES: Oh, my God. - Let's go.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

He lives here?

Well, this is the address I stole from student records.

- Hello, Baron. - How...

How did you find out where I live?

We need your help.

Who is this red-head?

I don't recall.

He kidnapped Jorie.

Kidnapped?

Well, I guess, abducted.

How do you know this information?

We joined a sex cult.

I... We would really appreciate it

if you would told us who he is.

I suppose I could make a few calls.

Her life could be in danger.

And in return?

In return?

Quid pro quo, no?

In return?

In return, we won't tell everyone in school about this!

KWAME: So, you slip'er the crip'ler yet or what?

No. We're still in a delicate stage of negotiations.

Oh I forgot to tell you, Sally's fiance found

my Evel Knievel jacket. Uh-huh.

- He what? - Huh, yeah.

I don't even know why you wear that thing.

You don't even own a motorcycle.

You need to break up with that girl.

Why for, brojangles?

Because she's a horrible human.

Nah, she's just a normal human.

What's that supposed to mean?

Means everybody two-times.

I would never cheat on Sophie.

Don't be a dingus.

Everybody cheats and, uh, everybody leaves.

JAMES: Now, I'm no Dr. Bird, but I believe that Kwame's

pessimistic view of relationships

is directly attributable to his parents' divorce

at a formative age. I pity what has probably

already become a life-long inability to trust.

Trust me, mandingo, clear the custard

before you find some chap's jacket in your flat.

JAMES: But what if Kwame's right?

Despite my best efforts to block it, his negative meme

has already implanted itself in my brain.

KWAME: Everybody cheats, everybody leaves.

Everybody cheats, everybody leaves.

- JAMES: Stop saying that. - Everybody leaves.

- Everybody leaves. - Stop saying that.

Stop saying that.

Stop saying that.

Stop!

Uh, I just shouldn't...

KWAME: Everyone cheats, everyone leaves.

JAMES: Stop saying that.

Everyone cheats, Every one leaves.

Stop saying that. Stop saying that!

Don't go crazy, don't go crazy.

(HEART THUMPING)

Don't go crazy.

Don't go crazy.

Stop saying that. Stop saying that!

Stop saying that.

James?

JAMES: Don't go crazy.

- Don't go crazy. - Are you okay?

Please, not now.

JAMES: Don't go crazy.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

(RETCHES)

(COUGHS, SPITS)

JAMES: Every morning now, I wake up like this...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

"I cannot be awake, for nothing looks to me

"as it did before..."

JAMES: At school it feels like

I'm playing a video game of my life.

Like I can control a virtual version of myself,

but that I'm not actually there.

It feels like the entire world is just a figment

of my imagination and I'm completely alone

and nothing outside of me is real.

Deep down I know it's not true,

but it feels more real than reality.

Dr. Bird, I think I'm losing touch with reality.

Whitman says, "I accept reality and dare not question it."

Shut up about Walt Whitman!

James!

I... I can't feel anything anymore.

If this feeling doesn't stop soon,

then I'm gonna have to...

I'm... I'm gonna have to...

You're going to have to what?

I just can't live like this.

If this doesn't stop and I'll...

- James? - I'll...

- You'll what? - It's my fault that Jorie left!

I couldn't stand up for her against The Brute.

I let him kick her out.

You had an attack. You froze.

And now Sophie's gone.

And now my mother might go.

And everyone's just gonna go because... because I...

As long as I'm...

If I...

James?

James?

Where are you going?

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me And you will look ♪

- ♪ You will look for me ♪ - I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore.

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Baron?

SOPHIE: Hey.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

Why are you wet?

Are you cheating on me with your hipster ex-boyfriend?

Are you trying to kill yourself?

I saw you with him in a utility closet.

He was apologizing for what he told people about me.

- Really? - Yes.

Sophie explains.

Everything is in your head.

- And furthermore... - You totally overreacted.

- But... - It's kind of flattering

- that you were that jealous. - However...

I'm freaked out by the way that you handled this.

The Baron knows where Jorie is.

Whoa. Wait? Really?

She's in the city.

Hmm.

Will you still come with me to find her?

She probably will give you her poem.

Don't be a dick.

That's not why I'd go.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

James.

Yeah?

I feel small.

(ELECTRIC BUZZING)

(LAUGHTER)

SOPHIE: (WHISPERS) James, this place is scaring me.

Well, come on. Just stay close.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

She's in there?

You know, we don't have to go in. We can go home.

We can tell your mom. Your mom can come back and get her.

I don't even think we could get in even if we wanted to.

You don't have a fake ID, do you?

- Come on. - What are you talking about?

Pretend like we're being chased.

Hey!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't like this!

JAMES: Come on.

SOPHIE: I'm scared!

James, I'm freaked out.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

Jorie?

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

James!

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

KEITH: Bianca?

What are you doing? Dance!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Well, I'm just mad... ♪

(GRUNTING)

JORIE: No! Don't!

You know this kid? Who the hell is he?

He's my brother.

JORIE: What are you doing here?

- I came to save you. - Save me?

This is where The Baron said that

- you're kidnap... - He's not my kidnapper, James!

He's my boyfriend.

When we went to the Clover cult,

- they told me he was... - You went there?

Oh, Jesus.

We had to tell Xavier that Keith was family

so he would let me leave.

What?

The red-head guy didn't kidnap you?

No! He didn't kidnap me!

But when The Brute

- kicked you out... - Dad didn't kick me out.

What... What do you mean?

It was my decision to leave.

He didn't kick me out. I left.

Jorie...

I've been having the blitzkriegs again.

They've been getting worse.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Why didn't you tell me where you were?

Why didn't you answer my phone calls?

I threw away my phone.

James, it's not like I didn't want to be there for you.

But I couldn't.

I know what this must look like to you, but I was all screwed up

and dad, he actually... He tried to help,

but he didn't know how.

Why didn't you just talk to me?

I needed someone else.

Someone outside of the family.

I needed a stranger.

Can you understand that?

No.

Look, I can't help you now, okay?

I need you to let me go for a little while.

This is where I need to be now.

This is my home.

I need some time to figure things out for myself

before I can be there for you again.

- But The Brute's gonna... - Stop calling him that!

Mom should have never called him that, to us.

Why?

You know exactly why.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Just... Just have him extend the credit line.

How am I supposed to pay you back

if he won't sell me the goddamned fish!

- (HEART BEATING) - (PANTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(THUDS)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

You need to come home now.

No, James. This is my home.

I'm happy. I'm happy here!

No! You're not!

Bianca, what the hell?

- You need to come home now! - I'm not coming home, James.

- Yes, you are! - Let go of me!

- Let go of my arm. - No!

- You need to come home! - Don't be like dad!

I hate you!

You are The Brute!

SOPHIE: James?

James, where did you go?

Please just call me back.

James, I'm really freaking out.

Please answer.

Did you just leave like that?

I... I'm so confused, James.

Just please call me back.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

Where the hell have you been?

ELLY: Jesus, James!

Oh, my God. We thought you were dead!

CARL: Well?

Why would you do that to me?

We were so worried about you. Your father called the police!

I was calling the hospitals, the morgues.

I found Jorie.

What?

Where?

- Carl, wait a second. No, wait. - Come on. In the car. Let's go.

- No. - What do you mean no?

This isn't a game.

- You're taking me to her now. - I said no!

You don't ever listen.

Jorie's lost on purpose.

What is...

Unless you wanna lose me, too, then...

I need to see a professional.

(SCOFFS)

You want to talk to a stranger?

Why?

So you can tell him what a "brute" I am?

No.

Because I'm sick.

James, what are you... Please.

You got to stop saying that.

You're not sick.

Okay.

If I'm so well...

How come I talk to an imaginary bird?

Huh? What is...

What do you mean, an imaginary what?

JAMES: I know he's not real.

But he can't help me anymore.

I need real help.

I think you know I do.

I think you know that you do, too.

(BELL RINGING)

Sophie, I...

Sometimes Whitman passed off lists of things as poetry.

Many of the things he wrote about don't exist anymore.

So I look at stuff and consider whether

it will become extinct in 100 years.

Maps.

Pencils.

Books.

Mr. Snopek.

Kwame.

Me?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Okay.

A little bit of bluish color.

Just get more on there.

So, a big tree may not have many leaves down here,

but way up high, somewhere, where the little squirrel lives.

All right.

DR. BIRD: James.

I've been worried about you.

Uh, I'm fine, thanks.

We haven't spoken in a while.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

I've been really busy with SAT prep

and with chorus practice and...

I know about Dr. Hightower.

I'm sorry.

I really just need someone who can think outside of me.

Well, I'm outside of you. Aren't I?

(SCOFFS)

No, you're just a projection of my superego.

Why on Earth would you say that?

- Because you're a talking bird. - DR. BIRD: So?

So, talking birds don't exist.

James, don't you wish you could wake up

one day and celebrate yourself?

Shut up.

But, don't you wish that?

Shut up! Shut up and stop talking to me!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I told The Brute.

Stop calling him that.

You told him what?

I... I told him that I knew.

That you knew?

Why do you always act so suspicious?

Didn't your sister tell you?

Tell me what, mom?

That I knew where she was, James.

Wait. What?

You knew?

I'm the one that told her to leave.

You were the one who told her to leave?

I wanted her to know that she wasn't trapped.

That she didn't have to be like me.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because she made me promise not to.

Because she knew you'd try and find her

and she wanted to protect you.

Why is everyone always trying to protect me?

It's so cruel.

Don't be angry at your sister.

I think what Jorie did was very brave.

She's doing what she needs to do

to find out who she wants to be.

And maybe if I were as strong as Jorie is when I was younger,

maybe she wouldn't have to do anything

that she's doing now.

James.

I love you so much.

I think you have regrets

about decisions you've made in your life

and you're just using Jorie to try and fix them.

Who told you that?

You have no idea what you're talking about.

(SOBS) I'm sorry the way things turned out.

I'm sorry. I tried my best.

(SNIFFLES)

Was I a bad mother?

No.

I was, wasn't I?

I was a terrible mother.

No. You weren't. No.

You promise me one thing, James.

Don't let fear dictate what you do in your life.

JAMES: Don't let fear dictate what you do in your life.

Don't let fear dictate.

Don't let fear dictate.

Dictate. Dictate.

Dictate.

Are you a Middle-Eastern dictator?

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

And henceforth I will go celebrate

anything I see or am.

(PHONE RINGING)

SOPHIE: (RECORDED VOICE) Uh, leave me a message and I'll get back to you. Bye.

JAMES: Hi. Sophie, it's James.

Look, I'm sorry for abandoning you in the city.

Please call me back.

Commonly, in physics, we use position vectors

to describe where something is,

in the space we are considering,

or how its position is changing at that moment in time.

Position vectors are in, uh, summations of scalars

multiplied by unit vectors.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

JAMES: Hi, is Sophie there, please?

SOPHIE: Are you insane?

JAMES: Yes.

Can we talk?

SOPHIE: Will you stop calling me if I do?

Seltzer! Whitman!

The forces of attraction do not operate any more

successfully beneath a desk than above one.

(STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

I miss you.

I've learned some life lessons

and I think I'm ready to continue our relationship

with you from a more enlightened perspective.

Life lessons?

Screw you, James.

I'm not some quirky character

who exists just to give you an epiphany.

I'm just as confused as you are.

I'm trying to figure who I am, too.

But you know who you are.

I do not!

I have no idea who I am.

Most of the time I'm just pretending

to be who I think everyone else wants me to be.

Why?

Because it'll will make them like me more.

That's not true.

It made you like me, didn't it?

(SIGHS)

Why did you leave me in New York?

I have health issues.

Health?

Wait, what do you mean? Are you sick?

I'm sick in the head.

What... What are you talking about?

(SIGHS)

I saw a psychiatrist.

And she told me that I have an anxiety disorder.

And that's why I act like this.

What does that mean?

I mean are you...

I mean do you need help?

I need you.

Please, can we get back together now?

No, James.

No.

I'm sorry.

I need to be with someone who's more...

Someone less...

To be honest, I don't think I...

...wanna be with anyone at all right now.

Okay.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm just glad that we got to love each other

for as long as we did.

Me too.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get Jorie's poem for you.

But I made you this.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you.

By the way...

I never did sex with anyone.

I just wanted to let you know.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

JAMES: Whitman said, "Keep your face always towards the sunshine

"and the shadows will fall behind you."

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

JAMES: Dr. Bird?

DR. BIRD: I need to bid you adieu now, James.

JAMES: Where... Where are you going?

DR. BIRD: It's time for me to fly south.

Retire to Boca, perhaps.

You're leaving me?

You don't need me anymore.

You said so yourself.

I... I'm sorry I yelled at you.

No, no, no, you were right.

You have a professional now.

No.

No, I still need you, I do.

Please don't go. I'm not ready.

It's time to put away childish things.

Time to become a man.

A man?

Dr. Bird, before you go,

can I ask you one last question?

Of course.

Will love always be this painful?

You need to be able to celebrate yourself first.

Then, you'll find someone else

who can celebrate you.

James, don't you wish you could wake up one day

and just celebrate yourself?

(SIGHS)

I'm trying.

I really am.

I know, my boy. I know you are.

(YOUNG JAMES CRYING)

YOUNG JORIE: What's wrong?

- Nightmare? - YOUNG JAMES: Yes.

Here. This is my friend.

He eats bad dreams.

I want you to have him.

JAMES: I'm figuring out now how to deal with my problem.

How to cope.

To manage.

To endure.

Moment to moment.

- Day to day. - (ALARM BELL RINGING)

But that doesn't mean I've forgotten Walt Whitman.

Every morning, I wake up and sing a song of myself. I say...

I am light. I am truth.

I am might. I am youth.

I leap from my bed to greet the day.

I celebrate the girls who stroll through school

in short skirts with secret grins,

pretending to be who other people want them to be.

I celebrate The Baron for his delusions of grandeur

and for the whisker that grows from his mole.

I celebrate Martin for his ironic mustache

and stupid hipster pants.

I celebrate Kwame, who will make new friends,

but never abandon me.

I celebrate my father for his rage.

And my mother for her sadness.

I celebrate Sophie for showing me first love.

I celebrate Jorie,

who suffers and searches for herself.

I celebrate all the people who read the Conundrum

and talked about it and shared it.

They sang of me, were surprised by me, discovered me.

And while it'll all soon fade and I'll go back

to just being another face in the hallway,

I sang for a little while and some of them heard me

and felt enough to say that they felt something similar.

WOMAN: Hey, are you James?

James Whitman?

JAMES: And I will celebrate myself.

I will celebrate James Whitman.

In my voice, I will sing of myself,

- I... Not now. - (HEART THUMPING)

Please not now.

Don't go crazy.

Please not now.

Don't go crazy. Don't go crazy.

Don't go crazy. Don't go crazy.

Don't go crazy. Don't go crazy.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ One of these mornings ♪

♪ Won't be very long ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ And I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me I'll be gone ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me ♪

♪ You will look for me I'll be gone ♪