Original subtitles

Hey, guys. It's a hot one today

and we're having a cookout.

So hold onto your buns (chuckles)

'cause we're about to do the tastiest

Would You Wrather ever.

That's right, time to settle an age-old debate.

What goes better on a hot dog?

Mustard, oh, yeah!

Or...

(flatly) ketchup.

Don't try and sway the viewers

who already know that ketchup rules.

Try it on your cereal.

Okay, before you guys vote,

we're gonna have two supervillains duel it out.

I present the magnificent Mr. Mustard!

(flatly) And Professor Ketchup.

This helmet is pinching my head.

My superpower rules.

(yelps)

And it's delicious.

Fred: As for me, a freak accident

left two tubs of ketchup welded to my back.

And now, I wander the streets spraying anyone

who looks at me funny

and people who put their dogs in strollers.

Well, get ready, 'cause these two toppings

are gonna battle it out.

Or are we?

-What are you doing? -You're going off-script.

We formed a secret evil alliance.

Maybe next time, you'll think twice

about making us wear these heavy costumes

in 80 degree heat.

The two of us are gonna wreak havoc

on every barbecue across the world.

Together, we are Tomaterd!

Ketcherd? Mussup?

I gave you one job.

Unleash the sauce!

(laughter)

Can't we just have one normal barbecue?

(theme song playing)

♪ Would you rather lose your phone ♪

♪ Or give up pizza for a month? ♪

♪ Share your diary with the world ♪

♪ Or have to eat it for your lunch? ♪

♪ Sing out of tune to your friends ♪

♪ Or trip and fall into your crush? ♪

♪ Shave your head, paint it red ♪

♪ Or use your dog's toothbrush" ♪

♪ We need a little Q and A ♪

♪ Come on, Wratherheads, play along ♪

♪ Would you rather do this? ♪

♪ Would you rather do this? ♪

♪ Would you rather do that? ♪

♪ Would you rather do that? ♪

♪ Don't matter what we do ♪

♪ We're doing it with you ♪

♪ I'd rather do that ♪

♪ Ask the world ♪

♪ Would you rather do this? ♪

♪ Would you rather do this? ♪

♪ Or would you rather just dance? ♪

♪ Or would you rather just dance? ♪

♪ No matter what we do ♪

♪ We're doing it with you ♪

♪ I'd rather do that ♪

Ask the world!

♪ Would you rather do that? ♪

Hear ye, hear ye, I proudly proclaim

that young Oliver Wrather has received his very first A.

(cheers and applause)

I always believed in you, buddy.

(quietly) How did this happen?

(clears throat)

First off, I'd like to thank Coop

for teaching me how to be humble.

(chuckles) I am pretty great.

And Cami, for teaching me how to sleep in class

with my eyes open.

Excuse me?

Cami!

Yay for Ollie!

And Charlotte, for telling me

to never stop reaching for the scars.

Uh, I said "stars," not "scars."

Charlotte, you can't reach those.

(scoffs) Stars.

Is there anybody else you'd like to thank?

Yes.

Mom.

For promising if I ever got an A,

she'd grant me three wishes.

Three wishes?

Oh, yeah, I do kind of remember mentioning something like that

but that was years ago.

What can I say? I work at my own pace.

But now it's time to pay the wiper.

It's "piper," not "wiper." What was his A in again?

For my first wish, I demand a sailboat.

(laughs)

Don't you think a sailboat is a little overboard?

Pun intended, thank you very much.

Sorry, but you didn't put any limits on my wishes.

Ahoy!

Here is a gift for your A, little man.

It's a journal where you can unload your private thoughts.

I would not encourage that.

Thursday, 6:52 p.m.

Principal Walker is a bad gift-giver.

(phone buzzes)

Oh, I have to leave.

Now? You'll miss the cake.

I'm sorry, but it's important.

I need to go... bowling.

(scoffs) In your work suit?

Yeah, we real fancy.

Congrats, Ollie. Got to go.

That was weird.

Isn't that the second time he's bailed on you this week?

It's fine, he's allowed to live his life

and do the things he wants to do.

6:53 p.m.

Still waiting on that sailboat.

I can't believe Walker didn't stay.

Anyone else think his excuse sounded a little shady?

Cami, he's clearly out bowling with guys in suits.

What's not to get?

He's bailed on Mom twice this week.

This whole thing reminds me of an episode of Lovesick Island.

Ugh, that dating reality show?

Cami, you should be doing more constructive things

than watching a bunch of tanned trainwrecks

frolic on a shark-infested island.

Sounds terrible.

What channel is that on again?

Walker is totally acting like this guy on the show

who was canceling dates, lying about where he was going.

And then, boom. He dumped his girlfriend.

(scoffs) I know, that Mitchell is such a slimeball.

Okay, I may have seen a few episodes.

So then you get what I'm talking about with Walker.

Do you think he's seeing another woman

at the same time as Mom?

No way. Walker wouldn't do that.

This is treason!

As head hall monitor, I spend a lot of time with him,

and I know he loves Jenna more than anything.

Balloon animals are a close second.

I come in 17th.

I made him rank me.

Come on, Fred.

-Where'd I rank? -Oh, Cooper.

Maybe we are jumping to conclusions about Walker.

Yeah. (chuckles)

But we're still gonna follow him around and see if he's hiding anything.

Oh, absolutely.

Hold on there, partner.

I've got something you need to see.

Why would I hide a pair of my underwear in the mailbox?

-What? -Exactly.

No, it's this.

Your first wish is hereby granted.

What? This is a toy.

Yeah, you can play with it when you bathe.

Correction, if you bathe.

You never said it had to be a full-sized sailboat.

I'd expect this kind of trickery from my sisters.

But you?

I thought you were better than that.

I'm not.

Ollie, I only said I'd grant you wishes

to motivate you at school.

You're taking this too far.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought when a parent gave their word, it meant something.

It does.

I'd like to believe you,

but we all know that ship has sailed.

Pun intended. Whatever that means.

(high-pitched voice) You fight me on the budget every time.

The band doesn't need new instruments.

Come on, Superintendent Bonavich.

These kids work hard.

We both know you can go a little higher.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was that a crack about my voice?

-No. -Oh, so you're just

gonna pretend that I don't have a high voice?

-No. -So you think my voice

is annoying?

(high-pitched laughter) I got my eye on you, Walker!

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hey, Sabrina.

Hang on, let me find some privacy.

Sabrina? I bet that's the other woman.

We need to hear what he's saying. Come on.

Cami! Oh, just who I was looking for.

I need to pick your dancer brain.

-Oh, Mr. Kramsky, I-- -Check it.

The K-dog here signed up for his very first

hip-hop dance class, and I need to look

freaka-freaka-fresh.

So should I wear parachute pants or overalls with one of the hooks undone?

F.Y. to the I-- I rock both looks.

-Can we do this later? -Oh, yeah, no prob.

Uh, I'll just keep my shopping cart page open.

TTYL.

I don't know what I would do without you, Sabrina.

I've been putting it off long enough.

I'm just gonna do it tomorrow.

Jenna won't see this coming.

But it's time.

You were right. He's gonna break up

with Mom 'cause he's dating someone else.

That sounds perfect.

I'm so lucky I found you.

(Walker laughs) Is that so?

Well, I mean, clearly, you've got some good taste, too.

Mm-hmm, yeah, sure.

-Guys, huge news. -We heard.

Kramsky's decided to go with the parachute pants.

Good move.

What? No.

We were eavesdropping on Walker and he said--

Spying on the principal? That's a level one offense.

I'm officially issuing a hall monitor's arrest.

This is serious.

We overheard Walker talking to another woman on the phone.

Quiet, perp. You have the right to remain...

dang it, I don't have it memorized.

-It's on my notepad. -Hey, kids.

(overlapping greetings)

(fake laughter)

Look, I know you guys think you heard something,

-but you're wrong. -Ah, here it is.

You have the right to remain beautiful.

Nope, that's a poem to Neve.

I think we should just ask Walker himself.

I'm sure he'll clear this up.

Found it! Anything you say

can and will make me adore you.

Nope, same poem.

All right, he's not here. Everybody out.

No way! I bet there's evidence in here.

Do you dare challenge a head hall monitor?

Jeez, look at all these balloon animals.

He even has his own helium tank. That's a little excessive.

(phone rings)

We should answer it. It could be the other woman.

Are you kidding? No way.

(Sabrina on phone) Hello? Lancely?

(low voice) Uh, hey.

(Sabrina) Hi, it's me. I'm calling your office phone

because it's more private.

I wouldn't want you to get caught.

-Good grief! -(Sabrina) Pardon?

(low voice) Huh?

(Sabrina) Anyway, I forgot to tell you.

If you're worried about your girlfriend seeing me,

we can meet at the school around 4:00.

(low voice) Uh-huh.

(Sabrina) Listen to me, "girlfriend."

She's not gonna be your girlfriend after tomorrow.

How could Principal Walker cheat on my Jenna?

My heart feels like a deflated balloon turtle

dragging on the floor.

Ooh, that's good. I might use that for my next poem.

We have to tell Mom, but this is gonna crush her.

Well, if you do, she's gonna ask

all sorts of questions we don't have the answers to.

Maybe Fred's right and we shouldn't say anything.

I mean, Walker's gonna tell Mom tomorrow anyway.

But that's a whole day away.

I can't wait that long and not tell her.

-Let's ask the Wratherheads. -Okay, go ahead.

I'll call Mom and distract her

so she doesn't know what we're up to.

Hey, Mom. Guess what?

Nope, guess again.

Hey, Wratherheads. Somebody important to us

is in a relationship with someone

we know isn't being honest.

So should we tell them what we know

or mind our own business

and let them find out on their own?

Wow, it's really close, but it looks like the winner is

mind your own business.

Here's another fun fact, Mom. Bats aren't actually blind.

It's a myth. Now you know, bye.

-So? -We stay out of it.

But we can't just do nothing.

Charlotte: Ooh, on Lovesick Island, whenever somebody's wronged

by their boyfriend, they move on

by starting over with someone new.

Let's find Mom a new love interest.

Or we can get revenge on Walker.

He should pay for what he's done.

Exactly, which is why we'll leave a blistering poem on his desk.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

you're tearing this family apart!

(sobs)

I like Charlotte's idea.

After Walker dumps Mom, she might be less sad

if she has a new guy on deck to replace him.

Okay, fine. You and Charlotte find Mom

a new love interest

and Fred and I will focus on payback.

That works.

So, finding Mom a new guy.

Where do we even start?

Well, on the show, it's always the quirky underdog

who swoops in and teaches the heartbroken girl

that it's okay to love again.

She's all, "I never thought I'd date a geek like Bobby

but it's, like, the best decision I ever made.

He, like, makes me laugh, and I can be myself and like..."

Okay, fine, I've seen literally every episode.

You got a problem with that?

Mother, it's time for my second wish.

Oh, we're still doing that?

Yep, and it comes with very specific instructions

so that you can't get me on a technicality this time.

"Dear Mrs. Wrather." That's an interesting choice.

"I want a real-live pig in a cowboy hat that talks."

Ollie, a talking pig doesn't even exist.

And neither did my A until a few days ago.

But here we are.

Okay, Ollie, fine.

One talking pig in a cowboy hat comin' up.

(oinking)

It's my wish!

But he's not talking.

Oh, he's got something to say.

(Jenna's voice) Good day, Ollie, old chap.

He's British? Fancy.

Wish I could stay for tea but I must pop off.

Tally ho, time to go.

What? But you just got here.

You wanted a talking pig but you didn't say for how long.

Sorry!

(Jenna's voice) Pip pip, keep up the good grades, Ollie.

Good show, good show.

(oinking)

Charlotte, allow me to introduce the future man of Mom's dreams.

Where is he? All I see is Mr. Kramsky.

You said we needed somebody geeky

who Mom's probably never thought twice about.

Oh, I don't know who that guy is,

but this guy is a prince in parachute pants

here to pick up the pieces of your mama's broken heart.

I think my point is made.

I've got my walkies so the other hall monitors

can let me know when Walker's headed this way.

Attention, all units. This is Papa Bear.

Papa Bear?

Alert me when anyone has eyes on Big Balloon.

That's Walker.

Yeah, I got that one. I'm still on Papa Bear.

What's in the box?

Our revenge! Fake cockroaches.

They look so real, Walker's gonna freak when he sees them.

(scoffs) Cami, there's no way anyone's gonna be afraid

of a few fake-- ah, too real, too real!

Pick that thing up! We gotta get out of here.

(gas hissing)

Do you hear hissing?

(walkie-talkie beeps)

Big Balloon is coming!

(phone rings)

(high-pitched voice) Good afternoon, Superintendent Bonavich!

(Bonavich on phone) Are you mocking me, Walker?

(high voice) No, I'm not mocking you.

(Bonavich) It is beyond unprofessional to heckle your boss.

(screams)

(high voice) You disgusting little monster!

(Bonavich) Little monster?

Consider this your final warning.

(high voice) Leave me alone, you evil cockroach!

(Bonavich) Cockroach?

Sabrina. What are you doing here?

I said I was coming by at 4:00.

You did? Well, all right.

Let's talk.

Ooh, not in my office, though. Hold on.

Okay, phase two, more fake cockroaches in Walker's car.

Fred, that must be the other woman.

She said she was coming at 4:00.

So the witch has a face!

Come on.

-Did you bring it? -I did.

This is one of the nicest engagement rings

I've ever done for a client.

Jenna's gonna love it.

-Ring? -Client?

She's a jeweler.

He's gonna propose to Mom.

-Do you know what this means? -Sure do.

I've gotta take Little Fred tuxedo shopping.

We gotta tell Coop and Charlotte.

-Hey, Charlotte. -Hey, Charlotte.

(sighs)

Excuse us for a moment.

We talked about this. Kramsky is not the one for Mom.

The guy shaves at the school water fountain.

-That's not that weird. -His legs.

Just give him a chance.

I schooled him in everything Mom likes.

Tomorrow, when she needs it the most,

he'll be there to sweep her off her feet.

That's right, I made Jenna 101 flashcards.

I'll be studying these all night long.

-Mr. Kramsky? -Pop quiz! I'm not ready!

"Jenna likes rom-coms and cranberry-scented room sprays."

I'm not gonna ask because I don't wanna know.

Hey, kids.

I need to talk to you about something.

-Where's your mom? -Wouldn't you like to know.

Yeah, how dare you show your face here.

Guys, let it go.

So Walker gave me one very bad gift.

I'll get over it. In time.

It's not about the journal.

He knows exactly what we're talking about.

We know about Sabrina. We know about everything.

-Wait, everything? -Everything.

You sicken me.

What, I thought you'd be happy for us.

(gasps) Happy?

Coop, get this weasel out of our house.

Yeah, I lied!

I'll never get over that crummy gift.

Toss this chump!

Guys, Walker's not breaking up with Mom.

He's proposing to her.

(both) Proposing?

You guys thought that we were breaking up?

Never mind that. We're having a wedding!

(both giggle)

Well, not yet. Let's-- sit, sit.

Look, I could never propose to your mom

without doing this first, so...

here goes.

I love you kids. A lot.

And your mom is the most important thing in the world to me.

Now I know I could never take the place of your father,

and I would never try to.

But if you're okay with it,

I'd love to ask for your blessing to marry her.

I think that would make Mom and all of us very happy.

-I agree. -Me, too.

Ollie?

I'm gonna need to see the ice first.

Well, I designed it myself.

I had to miss a few dinners with you guys to get it perfect

but I think it's worth it.

Okay, I'm satisfied with the depth and clarity here.

You have my blessing.

-(Walker growls) -(Ollie laughs)

Hey, now this doesn't mean we're gonna get married right away.

We'll take the time to find a date that works for all of us.

When are you gonna pop the question?

Tomorrow night. I'm taking her to Lenaguine's.

It's where we had our first dinner date.

No way! I'm gonna be there.

We'll push our tables together.

You know what? I'll get takeout.

Anyway, I'mma have the waiter bring the ring

on a slice of tiramisu.

It's her favorite dessert.

Aw, that sounds perfect.

Ah, I'm so excited!

Ah, me too!

Now remember, until then, not a word.

-No problem. -You got it.

Come on, chief.

We can have the best man talk outside.

Wouldn't want it to be awkward when you don't ask Cooper.

Do proposals usually take this long?

Oh, here she comes!

-So how was dinner? -Anything happen?

Uh, yeah. Lancely got fired.

Yay!

Wait, what?

He and the superintendent have been at odds for a while

and he thought Lancely was mocking him yesterday

but it turns out his helium tank was leaking

which made his voice all high and squeaky.

So Walker didn't say anything else?

Well, he said some things about Mr. Bonavich,

but I can't repeat them.

Cami, remember that hissing sound?

I'm pretty sure we broke the helium tank.

Walker got fired, Mom didn't get proposed to

and it's all our fault.

8:47 p.m.

Cami and Fred ruined our lives.

Hi, Mom.

(clears throat) I mean, genie.

Oh, right, you still have one wish left.

Okay, let's get this over with. Lay it on me.

I've been considering a few options.

An underwater car.

A solo backpacking trip across Europe.

Oh, sweet Moses.

But what I really want...

is to grant you a wish.

Aw, Ollie, thank you.

After today, my one wish would be for a hug.

I was hoping you'd say that, 'cause that's all I can afford.

(female voice) Wee!