Original subtitles

(gentle electronic pulsing)

- Be ready.

(upbeat music)

Wee!

(crowd cheering)

Go, go, go!

Did it! (laughs)

Did it! (laughs)

Well I've always wanted to do that,

streak at a major sporting event. (laughs)

- It was Crufts, mum.

- And they loved it!

(upbeat music)

(humming Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")

- Why are you so excited?

- Because this is a special occasion.

- But you don't believe in marriage.

- No, I'm a bird of paradise,

I'm not to be caged by the tricks and traps of convention.

- Or responsibility.

- But other peoples weddings can be life affirming!

Free food, free booze, free lovin', if you're lucky.

- Maybe we should just send apologies and--

- No dear!

You're such a FOJI!

- Uh, it's fogey and since when does a load--

- FOJI, a fearer of joining in.

- But mum!

- But Franny, this is probably the last wedding

I shall ever go to,

at this rate I'll be going down the aisle before you

in a wooden box!

- Mum, are you gonna tell Pat that you're, you know, dying?

- No!

And you mustn't either!

It's Gemma's wedding, it's not about me!

- That's really very noble of you, mum.

- You how Pat likes everything to just be just so?

- Perfect, ordered, calm.

(doorbell rings)

- That's why she needs me here, I'm gonna raise hell.

- Get stuffing.

(upbeat music)

12 to a bag, no more, no less.

- Pat.

- Oh, these seam isn't straight, Val,

I think you are gonna have to do it again.

We're building the fairytale ladies,

one favor bag at a time.

- Sounds like a busy night, Pat.

- Night?

This is a culmination of months,

dare I say a lifetimes work for Gemma's special day.

Yes, it's exhausting but what mother

wouldn't dedicate herself to her only daughters happiness?

Everyone said yes, we got all the rotary and the CB.

- Lots of pressies then.

- Oh, we don't think about that, what did you get?

- Unusual to request a loo seat.

- It's mahogany.

Oh Fran, I meant to ask you about your little promotion.

- I'm taking some time off work actually,

spending it with mum.

- Really?

- I told you about my bucket list on my birthday, Pat!

- Did you?

Every brain cell is just filled with wedding, I'm afraid.

- We're gonna swim with sharks,

ride a Harley down Route 66,

how's that for mother/daughter bonding?

- Sounds very lively!

I took Gemma for high tea at the Ritz.

- Oh, I'd love to do that mum, tea at the Ritz?

- I'm barred.

- Well with all your plans,

I'm surprised you made the detour.

- Oh, there's plenty I could do with my bucket at a wedding.

(phone ringing)

- Uh, caterers.

Hello?

Are you chewing?

I tell you, if one of my amuse-bouche is missing,

there will be Mary hell!

- Don't forget, mines a halal meal, Pat!

- Okay, what are you planning?

"Raise hell,"

"Plenty I can do at a wedding with my bucket."

What is on your list exactly?

- Well now, when the vicar asks

if there's any known impediment--

- Don't.

- I'm not really gonna stop the wedding,

I'm waiting for the reception.

A room full of tables seating the great and good.

- Whatever it is, don't do it.

- I'm a little out of practice

but it's all in the wrist action and the sudden surprise.

- Crisis averted, 28 pounds of smoked salmon liberated

from the backup freezer.

Phew.

- Oh, this sounds good, whale humping in Iceland.

- Oh, did I tell you,

fiance Paul has booked the most magnificent honeymoon.

European tour.

- Oh!

- Five star.

- I'd love to do that, tour Europe.

- Or a surgical safari in South Africa,

stroke a giraffe and have your boozies hoiked,

two for the price of one!

- There you are, Pat.

- Oh, I think you've earned a little drink.

- Oh!

- Not you Mim, finish your favors.

Go on, go and join the girls in the kitchen.

- Oh, no, I'm fine here, I can help, I can--

- Don't be shy, come on,

I'm sure they'll all be very glad to see you.

(women laughing)

- We thought you were the stripper!

- Fran, you haven't met Brona and Beth.

This is Fran, she's my second cousin,

she's like the olden days.

- I think she means I like the olden days.

- Aw, it's kinda both though, isn't it?

- Have a shot to catch up to Gemma's last night of freedom.

Bottoms up!

- Seriously though Gem,

you do not wanna get pregnant for at least a year,

life over, hit me.

- But you do love your kids though, right?

(both gasps)

- God I love my kids. - Oh my god,

they're my whole world.

- I would kill for my kids. - They are everything to me.

- I would kill for them. - Kill, kill.

- How are you doing, Gemma?

Nervous?

- Yes but my mum got me this book.

- Time for games to relax you.

- Drinking games, to relax you more.

Right, I have never had a foursome.

Drink!

- But it's my party trick!

I whip everything off in one go.

- Put it down, nobody's interested.

- Well your husband might be.

He was always excited by what I could tug.

Where is he anyway?

- Over the road.

The men folk are staying in another house tonight.

- Shame.

He'd of liked this.

- I know what you're trying to do

but I shall not be writhed.

Now, ribbons, bags, tie!

- Psst, Val!

Look!

Look!

- What, you've never had sex in a windmill?

- You haven't touched your shots all game.

O-M-G Fran, have you never?

(all gasp)

- Get it out, laugh, judge,

you can't say anything my mother hasn't already.

- That is actually awesome!

You must be a special soul, Fran,

I wish I'd waited.

I could be living the dream now,

curating my own gallery in Denmark.

Instead I define myself by my sexuality.

- It's a precious, sacred part of you.

- I thought you just lost it if you rode a horse.

- Integrity, self respect, mind, body,

impenetrable cocoon. - impenetrable cocoon,

that was the title of her A-Level art piece.

- I mean, it's not that I don't want to--

- No, no, no, no, you will know when the time is right.

- Don't waste it, don't give it away

because they'll take it for granted

and then they'll ruin it.

- Ruin.

- Ruin it.

- You guys slept with your husbands

before you got married though, right?

- First date. - Straight away, yeah.

- But here is to Franny, true to her fucking self, love it!

- Thanks guys but it's Gemma's day.

(phone beeping)

- Get your coats girls, the taxi's here,

I say taxi, it's just Jim in his Prius, dick.

Come on.

Bye Auntie Pat.

(upbeat music)

- You help yourselves to breakfast girls,

I have a skin tight schedule to fit in.

Fran, please?

- Oh, very strong spreadsheet work here, Pat.

- Yes, well, you fail to plan

and you plan to fail. - And you plan to fail,

that's what I always say!

- It's Gemma's day, there is no time for unknown unknowns.

- Ah.

Where is my mum?

- In disgrace.

She tried to break in to the men's house last night,

the cat flap wasn't big enough, fortunately.

- I apologize for everything my mother has done

and might do.

- Oh, there's no need, Fran.

There are no problems today.

- Well they're lovely.

- I wanted a splash of red.

- Where's dad?

- Out of the way, he's doing nine holes with the vicar.

Fran, would you?

- Whoa, what's in this, weights?

- Yes.

Gemma's wearing a strapless, we've been toning for weeks.

Show Fran.

(all gasp in awe)

- You've really thought of everything

and you're all so functional.

Who knows, maybe if you'd been my mum, Pat,

I'd be the head of HR and getting married now.

- Well, well, well, this is cozy, I heard you!

So, perfect Pat can flip a kipper and sew a napkin

but can she do this?

Ta-Da!

(cutlery clatters)

What am I getting wrong?

- What are you doing?

- This is my party trick!

Obviously needs some work.

- You can't upset me, you can't upset me,

it's Gemma's day, Gemma's day.

(cork pops) (all cheer)

- Bubbles for the princess.

Well, it's five o'clock somewhere, right?

- I don't really want this.

- It's a statement look.

Extensions?

- Still in the trouser press.

Franster, can you carry on with the tanning.

- I must say, Gem, I wasn't expecting to enjoy any of this

but last night was so much fun,

such a great big day ahead

and it doesn't end there, does it?

With your amazing European honeymoon,

all those historic sights and monuments.

(Gemma wails)

Oh shit, Gemma, what is it?

- I don't want to do it!

- Shall I get your mum?

- No!

You've got to help me, Fran!

- Me?

What about your fiance, Paul?

Maybe you should talk to him.

- No, it's bad luck.

Fran, you've got to help me, please?

- Pat, who am I sitting with?

I can't seem to find my name.

- No?

Well, that's because it's not there.

- What?

- Didn't you read your invitation?

You're coming to the evening do.

- Evening do?

- That's right.

- Don't you finger my fascinator and say "That's right!"

- It's all been arranged.

- You made us stuff favors.

- Yes, you're family

but I have some very important people coming today.

- So that's why you've been unrilable,

smug you had me relegated to the evening do.

Well.

- And that is precisely what I wanted to avoid, a scene.

- Scene?

I'm the life and soul!

- You are a liability!

After the way you behaved at my wedding,

we had to disinfect the dance floor!

- You put me in the corner, no one puts Mim in the corner!

- Oh, you're jealous!

- Jealous?

Of this fairytale bullshit?

- Of my perfect life and family

compared with your car crash!

It's Fran I feel sorry for.

Well, just as well that poor creature will never marry,

who would walk her down the aisle, eh, Mim?

- I was a single mother!

- And that is no ones fault but your own!

- Is everything okay?

- Everything's fine, except your face.

- Pat?

We might have a bit of a problem.

- Here, if that doesn't work, try Swarfega.

- It's Gemma, she's a bit upset.

- I have a cake to box up.

- Well I think, maybe,

she doesn't wanna go through with this.

- Too late for that now.

- But can't you do something?

- Something?

I have done everything, everything,

everything is planned and perfect,

do you understand?

- Yes, but--

- Do you think I am going to waste 10 gallons of parfait

and turn away the county's finest

because Gemma's changed her mind and feels a bit upset?

You are wrong!

This is my day!

(gentle upbeat music)

- I was having such a good time.

- Gone to shit now, humiliating, evening do.

- Doesn't seem right that Gemma's so unhappy.

- Well I'm unhappy!

Missing out on the perfect occasion!

- Oh, come on, mum!

You said you don't believe in this fairytale bullshit.

- Well no.

You want a happy ending?

Go get a massage!

I'm taking this.

- Poor Gemma,

I think she's been dreading this wedding for ages.

I wish we could do something.

- Maybe, I can make one bucket dream

out of this shipwreck, look.

- Stop a wedding with an impediment.

Oh, that's quite a big thing!

- I'm dying, I wanna do big things!

Look, maybe I didn't give you domestic bliss

but I gave you freedom, didn't I?

So don't deny it to Gemma now.

Come on, Franny, please,

get us to the church in time to ruin everything!

(upbeat music)

(car engine clunks)

Is it not working?

Christ!

- [Fran] What am I going to do?

- [Mim] Well go and find somebody!

- [Fran] You mean I've got to stop Gemma's wedding?

- I do mean that, go on!

Go and do it!

Christ!

(Fran grunts)

Why didn't you go on?

- 'Cause I don't know where the fuck I'm going.

- [Mim] Well that's just defeatist.

Hopeless.

- It's too late.

- Oh well.

- Oh well?

Didn't you always say marriage was a life sentence?

- She only needs to serve half of it

and then she'll get the duplex!

- You know, I heard what Pat said.

She has no right to judge you, she's the monster.

And you know what?

- What?

- I get it, mum.

You never married,

you don't believe in the tricks and traps of convention,

well, fair enough.

- That wasn't why.

I never married because of you.

- What?

- Oh, I had offers, everyone from Cliff Richard

to the Aga Khan but it wouldn't of been right with you here.

No, you are my longest relationship, dear.

- Have you ever been in love, mum?

- Yeah, hard and fast, unlike herpes!

- How long did the AA say they'd be?

- I thought you were calling them?

(gentle upbeat music)

See, I don't give a fuck about appearances.

- That's lucky!

- You know, we're not all that different, you and I.

- Really?

- Well, I'm not a pedantic virgin.

- And I don't wear my bra on my head.

- We are true to ourselves.

- Yeah.

- So don't worry, Franny, it'll happen for you.

- Love or herpes?

- It's never too late for either.

What I'm saying is, I get it too, you are who you are.

Ah!

Hi!

And I am who I am!

(upbeat music)

Oh bollocks, we missed the buffet!

- [Fran] What's wrong with Pat?

- Pat?

- Oh, you made it then?

It went perfectly, of course, all of it.

- I'm glad.

- Just as planned.

My life's work, it's done, she's married.

- So why the misery mouth?

- What am I supposed to do now?

- If you'd been a liability and fucked your daughter up

like me, you'd have a companion for life.

- My life is over.

- Oh, I don't know.

Why not start nagging for grandchildren?

- Grandchildren?

- Start calling on the honeymoon.

- Yes, yes, I could download an ovulation app.

Time my calls precisely.

- Fran!

Whoa!

Is that why you've never?

- Oh, no, this is your fake tan.

- Oh, sorry!

But you know, it's fine, whatever because Paul and I

have decided to be very open minded.

- No, really, I'm not.

- I really need to thank you, Fran.

- Thank me?

We nearly stopped your whole--

- Yes, you told me to talk to my fiance, Paul,

sorry, husband, I'm married!

(all cheer)

But I took your advice and I told him how unhappy I was.

- But Gem, if you're unhappy--

- About the honeymoon.

- What?

- I just couldn't do it, a boring trip around Europe,

I was dreading it, I hate old things, no offense.

- None taken.

- Now we're going on a two week all in to the Maldives,

like normal people!

(all cheer)

- Congratulations Gem, I'm very happy for you.

- Wait, I wanna give you something.

So let me get rid of this, fuck these weights, right?

Oi!

- All the single ladies.

- It's bouquet time, form an orderly queue!

Come on, Franny, we saved this bit for you!

- Never too late!

- Not her!

(all gasp)

- She's down!

- She's a sprayer.

- Mum?

- My nose!

It's only just paid for!

- Easy now Auntie Pat, head back.

Let's clear the way people.

- I'm drowning.

- Such a shame.

- I'm drowning.

- For you.

- What?

The Europe trip!

Wow!

Gemma, I dunno what to say, thank you!

- You'll appreciate it, right?

Paris, Venice, who're you gonna take?

- My mum.

- Aw, yeah, course.

- (laughs) I did it!

I did it!

- Did what?

- My tablecloth trick!

- Yeah.

Now mum, look.

A grand tour of Europe,

that's something real for the bucket list, huh?

- But I did it!

Just because no one saw it doesn't mean it didn't happen!

- Okay mum, if you think you did then--

- Right, nothing for it then, I'm gonna streak again!

(upbeat music)