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1
00:00:01,467 --> 00:00:04,627
(light melodic music)
2
00:00:08,433 --> 00:00:10,403
(traffic rumbling quietly)
3
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,600
(car horn blaring)
4
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,670
- [Mim] I said it was that way!
5
00:00:14,667 --> 00:00:16,467
- [Fran] That isn't a way, Mum.
6
00:00:16,467 --> 00:00:17,697
- What are you doing?
7
00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:19,770
- Mum, just stay on
your side of the car!
8
00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:22,497
- You're lurching me over.
- I can't see the road!
9
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,830
(dynamic melodic music)
10
00:00:41,033 --> 00:00:43,003
- [Mim] Stand clear.
11
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:43,900
(farting)
12
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,330
- [Fran] For God's sake!
13
00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,833
- Don't snap at me,
you missed the turning.
14
00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:50,533
- Why aren't you
driving, it's your car?
15
00:00:50,533 --> 00:00:52,673
- I prefer to yell at you
16
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:55,927
and we go to cousin
Pat's every birthday,
17
00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:58,203
how can you not know the way?
18
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,130
- I try to block it out, like
all of our time together.
19
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:07,427
- Now that I'm 70, which is
the new 50, it suddenly hit me.
20
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,070
Gefilte bhaji?
21
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:12,067
- I vomited before
I came, thanks.
22
00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:14,967
- Well, you've got
to eat something.
23
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:16,367
Bombay finger?
24
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:20,097
- Did you bring any
normal-sounding food at all?
25
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:21,630
- The big 7-0
26
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,100
and I finally see it,
27
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:29,500
life's not about the
destination, it's
about the journey.
28
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,300
You learn, you share.
29
00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:34,397
You needed to take that exit.
30
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,500
- Oh, fuck!
31
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,070
- Don't suppose you've had
one of those in a while?
32
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,897
What happened to Big Jim?
33
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,170
- Oh, well, he died,
34
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:47,727
there was an accident
with a winch.
35
00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:50,073
- Well, that's terrible.
36
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,070
Still plenty more fish.
37
00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:56,327
- What, wait, he
wasn't my boyfriend!
38
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:57,873
He was my 40-stone neighbor,
39
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,827
who had to be lifted
out of his flat
40
00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,673
by the Fire Brigade, God!
41
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:05,397
- So who's spelunking
the bat cave these days?
42
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,200
- Stop it, stop it.
43
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,070
- Why won't you tell me?
44
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:10,397
Unless,
45
00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:16,697
I did always wonder,
what type are you?
46
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,070
Lipstick, chopstick?
47
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:20,067
- We're not having this
conversation, okay?
48
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:22,097
- Why won't you tell me?
49
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,300
I'm a woman of the world!
50
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:26,630
I've had my brushes
with the clitterati,
51
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,600
brushes and feathers.
- Okay,
52
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,700
no conversation at all.
53
00:02:32,867 --> 00:02:35,527
- Like riding along
with a Carmelite nun!
54
00:02:35,533 --> 00:02:38,533
(upbeat rock music)
55
00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:45,603
Carpe diem, seize the day.
56
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,830
I was inspired by
what's her name?
57
00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:50,673
You know, that
cook on television.
58
00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:52,167
- Delia Smith?
59
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:54,927
- Bowl hair cut, caused
a run on omelet pans.
60
00:02:54,933 --> 00:02:57,333
- Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith?
61
00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:59,203
- I think she owned
a football team,
62
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,600
became a noun in the "OED,"
63
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,100
let's all do a
Delia, Delia Smith!
64
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,730
- And?
65
00:03:08,733 --> 00:03:12,573
- She said, "Don't count the
days, make the days count."
66
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,870
- That was Muhammad Ali.
67
00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:16,797
- What?
(car horn tooting)
68
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,430
- [Fran] No, obviously, no!
69
00:03:18,433 --> 00:03:19,473
(car horn tooting)
70
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,297
- Uh-oh!
71
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:22,730
I need to go again.
72
00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:24,303
- What, again?
73
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,800
- What do you want me to
do, Franny, shit in a bag?
74
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,670
- Okay, okay, do
not shit in any bag!
75
00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:33,827
(toilet flushing)
76
00:03:33,833 --> 00:03:35,103
- One lump or two?
77
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:37,497
- Hands, hands!
78
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:39,503
- What?
- Honestly!
79
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,800
- Ah!
80
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,070
- Sorry, Pat.
81
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,967
- No, no, we enjoy
your little visits
82
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:53,267
and we've some lovely leftovers
of Gemma's cake-tasting.
83
00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:57,773
Gem, darling, we're going
to need a bigger plate.
84
00:03:58,633 --> 00:04:00,073
- I like the chocolate,
85
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,697
but my fiance, Paul
prefers the vanilla.
86
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,400
- I think we'll go traditional.
87
00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:09,097
- Did I tell you that fiance,
Paul has bought them a duplex?
88
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,330
He paid cash.
89
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:13,073
- What's a duplex,
is it a condom?
90
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,367
- [Fran] Stop it.
91
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:17,527
- Oh, did I tell you,
Gemma's got a new job?
92
00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:18,773
Head of HR.
93
00:04:18,767 --> 00:04:21,397
- Hm, Franny's had
a promotion too
94
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,500
to be one of these
super duper teachers.
95
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:24,570
- Aw!
96
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,067
- I haven't got it yet, Mum.
97
00:04:26,067 --> 00:04:30,867
- Well, as we say in HR, there's
no failure, only feedback.
98
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:33,967
- Ha, tell that to the
passengers on the Titanic!
99
00:04:33,967 --> 00:04:36,197
- Oh, Fran, you're
not the Titanic.
100
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,770
- No, she's not
going down on anyone.
101
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,527
(teapot clattering)
102
00:04:40,533 --> 00:04:42,933
(light melodic music)
103
00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:46,103
- Hi, Mr. Merdon, I just
thought you might not call,
104
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,830
'cause you knew I was driving.
105
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:51,203
Anyway do let me
know about the job.
106
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:53,573
It's Fran, by the way.
107
00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:56,633
Okay, bye!
108
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:06,070
- I was just telling them
about my enormous bucket.
109
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:06,897
- Oh, God!
110
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:10,270
- Places to go, things to do.
111
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:12,097
- Oh, you mean a list.
112
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,730
- I'll show you.
113
00:05:13,733 --> 00:05:17,573
- No, I can imagine,
some horrific odyssey
of sordid antics.
114
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,397
- Or as I prefer
to call it, fun.
115
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,070
- Oh, talking of which, darling,
116
00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:24,097
show them your engagement ring.
117
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:27,600
I told fiance, Paul he should
spend one month's salary.
118
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,330
- And how much should you spend
119
00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,403
on a cousin's 70th
birthday, Pat?
120
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,170
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, I got
you a little something.
121
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:37,667
- But it's a big one, 70.
122
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:44,067
- Alright then, come upstairs.
123
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:44,867
- Yes!
124
00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:49,927
- (sighing) Moment of peace.
125
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,670
All this wed-min Mum's
got me doing, Fran,
126
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,497
it's actually like hard work.
127
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:55,900
- Right.
128
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:57,400
Is it?
129
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,700
- Now that I'm 70,
which is the new 30,
130
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:02,230
I'm going for it, Pat!
131
00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:04,073
You should get a bucket.
132
00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:06,067
- Here you are, Mim.
133
00:06:06,067 --> 00:06:06,827
- Um.
134
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,630
Can I have this one?
135
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,703
- Oh, alright.
136
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:15,530
- Thank you.
137
00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:19,667
- That's the crap you
gave me last Christmas.
138
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:25,103
- We're using old photos of
everyone for place settings,
139
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,070
funny, isn't it?
- Yeah.
140
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:28,597
- Oh, my God, look at your mum!
141
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,970
- Oh, I remember that holiday.
142
00:06:30,967 --> 00:06:32,897
- Oh, Fran, is that you?
143
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:34,570
- [Fran] No, I don't think so.
144
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,167
- With your dad maybe?
145
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:38,797
- Then no, definitely not.
146
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,600
- Oh, of course, did your
mum even know who it was?
147
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,130
- Er, yes, but he died
before I was born.
148
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,633
This is you.
149
00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,833
- Yeah, must be, there are
so many pictures of me,
150
00:06:50,833 --> 00:06:52,833
but I can't even
find one of you.
151
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:56,073
- No, well, you won't,
Mum says I crack the lens.
152
00:06:57,633 --> 00:06:59,603
No, she just didn't take any.
153
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,470
- Oh!
154
00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:04,803
A joke, yeah, my
fiance, Paul does those.
155
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:08,427
- Wait a sec.
156
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,070
Oh.
157
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:15,227
(mellow melodic music)
158
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:27,133
Well.
- Bon voyage!
159
00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:29,297
Have a wonderful time.
160
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,670
- We're only going home.
161
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,427
- But I told you
about my bucket.
162
00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:34,303
- Well, what's that
got to do with me?
163
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:36,470
- Well, you're driving.
- What?
164
00:07:36,467 --> 00:07:38,767
Ride bareback with
the Navajo, hm.
165
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:42,970
Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca.
166
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,927
This is ridiculous, you
can't do all of this.
167
00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:46,433
- No, not all at once!
168
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,573
First up is a special
night away for us.
169
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:50,197
- Well, I'm sure
you'll have fun,
170
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,770
but I have an Ocado coming.
171
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:54,067
- No, no, I'm not going
on any trip with her!
172
00:07:54,067 --> 00:07:56,467
I can't, I've got plans.
173
00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:04,533
- Just think, this is
the ultimate road trip,
174
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,233
we'll be like Thelma and Louise.
175
00:08:06,233 --> 00:08:09,973
- They killed themselves,
now let's go home!
176
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:13,067
- Actually I do feel
like driving today.
177
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:14,227
- What?
(traffic rumbling quietly)
178
00:08:14,233 --> 00:08:15,403
(car horn tooting)
- Okay, Mum, Mum, Mum!
179
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,770
- What's the matter, Franny?
180
00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:21,397
Is it Gemma, her wedding,
her duplex, her job?
181
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,470
I don't even know what HR is.
182
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,467
- Human Resources.
(car horn tooting)
183
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:25,497
Mum, please!
184
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,430
(melodic upbeat music)
185
00:08:28,433 --> 00:08:32,703
Slow down, pull over!
186
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:33,530
Just no,
187
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,700
no fucking way.
- Franny, please!
188
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:39,700
- Mum, no, there is no way!
189
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,900
- Look, I might not
always have been
190
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:43,270
the best mother in the world.
191
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:46,727
- Ha, or the best
mother in our house.
192
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:49,373
- Look, Franny, I'm 70,
193
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:52,267
I've never seen the sun
set on the Taj Mahal,
194
00:08:52,267 --> 00:08:54,827
I've never made
love in an elevator,
195
00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:57,873
or have I?
196
00:08:57,867 --> 00:09:00,827
But my biggest regret is you,
197
00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:03,403
that's why I booked
a special night away,
198
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,330
somewhere you'll like, please,
199
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,503
it's the mini
break we never had.
200
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:10,070
(sighing)
201
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,797
- One night, one trip,
202
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,300
but I'm driving.
203
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:18,930
* There's nothing left
204
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:23,273
* Nothing left
205
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:27,827
* Nothing left for me to do
206
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:31,503
* But be true to me and you
207
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,400
- No, no more.
208
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,900
- But I love that song!
209
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:38,430
- [Fran] I don't like
music while I'm driving.
210
00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:45,397
- Did I ever tell you you
were nearly born in a minicab?
211
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,230
- Was I?
212
00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:50,567
- The driver's name was Tahibo,
213
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:53,497
he said I had the
most luxuriant bush.
214
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:56,300
- Okay, stop now,
thank you very much.
215
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,170
- Never even gave him a tip.
216
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,033
Maybe I should have
called you Tahibo.
217
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,200
Still, what's done is done.
218
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,270
(melodic rock music)
219
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,130
Okay,
220
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:18,003
which would you rather,
221
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,500
dry-hump Ann Widdecombe
222
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:22,833
or rim Donald Trump?
223
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:25,433
- No, Mum, a proper
quiz, like where was
224
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:27,533
the Declaration of American
Independence signed?
225
00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:28,703
- On the left!
226
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:30,130
- If you're not
gonna do it properly.
227
00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:35,103
- Listen, here on the left,
we've finally arrived!
228
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:39,467
(cheerful melodic music)
229
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,100
MiniWorld!
230
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:45,867
Norfolk's answer to Disneyland.
231
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:48,197
- What the hell
was the question?
232
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,900
- You were desperate
to come here,
233
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,500
went on and on
about it one summer.
234
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,800
- But we didn't.
235
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,230
- Well, it was the
'80s, there were risks
236
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:58,373
and Chernobyl, Aids
237
00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,697
and that emu.
238
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:02,703
- Or was it the summer
you disappeared off
239
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:06,070
to rescue Nelson
Mandela in Alicante?
240
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,367
Or was it the summer
you were in hiding
241
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:10,067
from the Baader-Meinhof Gang?
242
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:11,667
- I don't remember specifically.
243
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:14,497
- Or was it the summer
you just dumped me
244
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:19,370
at Granny's house,
who had died in April?
245
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,597
- I came back.
- And we're going.
246
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,800
- No, I don't want to go home,
I want to do my bucket list!
247
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,070
- Because 70 is the new fetus?
248
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,927
- No, because I'm dying!
249
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,397
- What?
250
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,070
But, no,
251
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:43,397
you look okay.
- From a distance,
252
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,900
I'm like a Seurat painting,
253
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,130
come closer and there's a
million tiny dots multiplying.
254
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:51,073
- Oh, shit!
255
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,297
Cancer?
- Eating away at me,
256
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,270
and not in a way I'd like!
257
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:59,127
- What are we doing here,
why aren't we at a hospital?
258
00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:02,133
- Because that's
the end of my story
259
00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:05,133
and there's so many
pages left to fill!
260
00:12:06,233 --> 00:12:09,773
- Oh, Mum!
261
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:12,627
God, I wish you'd wear a bra.
262
00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:15,973
(background chattering)
263
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,670
- Pre-paid one
night, double room
264
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:20,627
on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah?
265
00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:23,073
- Er, double room?
266
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:26,667
And I'm not a kid.
- You're my kid.
267
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:27,967
- I'm 35.
268
00:12:27,967 --> 00:12:30,727
- One upgrade to
adjoining rooms?
269
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,400
Mini rate is 179 pounds.
270
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,070
- We'll have a pajama party.
271
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,927
Oh, what's the minibar like?
272
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,573
- Tiny.
273
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,097
Right, you're in the Mini Lodge,
274
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,500
you can walk it or
take the Mini Train.
275
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:48,067
Welcome to MiniWorld.
276
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:52,403
(mellow rock music)
277
00:12:58,467 --> 00:13:01,167
- Last one to the
hotel's a pedo!
278
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,130
Running with the
bulls in Pamplona.
279
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:12,767
Zorbing in Bedford.
280
00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:16,127
- When are we gonna
talk about it?
281
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,073
- What?
282
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:18,967
- The elephant in the room.
283
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,927
- Don't be so hard
on yourself, Franny.
284
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,270
- I just wanna get
a handle on this.
285
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,767
- It's coming!
286
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:28,297
- Yeah, that's why we
have to talk about it.
287
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,330
- I told them, you see.
- What?
288
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:36,567
* Happy birthday to you
289
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:40,967
* Happy birthday to you
290
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:45,967
* Happy birthday, dear Mim
291
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,727
* Happy birthday to you
292
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:52,667
(applauding)
293
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:53,597
- Whoo!
294
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,170
- [Man] Birthday conga time?
295
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,067
- Yeah!
296
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:59,067
(lively conga music)
297
00:13:59,067 --> 00:13:59,797
Hey!
298
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:03,973
Oi!
299
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:05,773
Oi!
300
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:07,773
Oi!
301
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:10,827
Oi!
302
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:11,673
Oi!
303
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:13,330
Oi!
304
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,173
(sighing)
305
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,197
Wire hangers!
306
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,130
(gasping)
307
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:17,803
I always need more of these.
308
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,203
- What is on your face?
309
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,870
- Beauty cream, I didn't
just fellate a Smurf.
310
00:14:24,867 --> 00:14:26,327
- Ugh!
311
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,733
- But did I ever tell
you about the time I did?
312
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,933
It was in Brussels--
- Please,
313
00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:31,173
don't give me nightmares.
314
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:32,267
- Oh, you!
315
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:33,597
- [Fran] Too late!
316
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,200
- I want to
experience everything,
317
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,970
before all I have are memories.
318
00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:41,367
- Who are these children?
319
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:43,067
- Well, I haven't
actually met them,
320
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,967
but they're very
photogenic, don't you think?
321
00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:48,427
- And you've got
one of Gemma, I see.
322
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:51,803
- Oh, I don't wanna argue,
323
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,970
we should be bonding,
324
00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:56,927
gossiping together
woman to woman
325
00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:59,403
and Fran, if that's
what you're into, it's--
326
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,730
- Ugh, Mum, I don't
wanna talk about that.
327
00:15:02,733 --> 00:15:03,903
You're ill and--
328
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,100
- Well, I don't wanna
talk about that!
329
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:08,070
I want quality time.
330
00:15:11,467 --> 00:15:13,627
(sighing)
331
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:15,873
- Stick the telly on?
332
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:17,630
- Yeah,
333
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,400
cosy.
334
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,230
We never do this, why is that?
335
00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:29,503
- [Narrator] Unfortunately for
the singleton black bear cub,
336
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,870
the mother will
often abandon it,
337
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:34,327
deciding that
raising only one baby
338
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,473
just isn't worth her effort.
339
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:39,967
(light melancholic music)
340
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,400
- Maybe you were right, dear.
341
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:46,597
Bedtime.
342
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:53,433
(bedcovers rustling)
343
00:15:55,800 --> 00:16:00,170
Oi, are you checking for
squirrels over there?
344
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,267
- Am I what?
345
00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:03,497
- Masturbating.
346
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:06,530
When you were small, I had to
nearly tape up your knickers.
347
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,373
- Ugh!
348
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:10,867
Go to sleep!
349
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:15,473
(mellow melodic music)
350
00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:22,603
Apparently, the models
are an exact 1:12 replica
351
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,330
of the nearby village, huh,
352
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:27,703
church, pub,
353
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,370
pet shop and kebabery, oh.
354
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,203
- Et in Arcadia ego.
355
00:16:34,933 --> 00:16:36,133
Hm.
- Ah.
356
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:39,403
- No, not another
word, no morbid talk.
357
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,230
Life is a doing word.
358
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:46,133
- Well, actually, it's
a noun, but okay, Mum,
359
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:47,933
MiniWorld here we come!
360
00:16:47,933 --> 00:16:48,833
- Yes!
361
00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:54,197
* You wake me up,
you fill my cup *
362
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:59,070
* You wind me down
when you're around *
363
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:03,867
* Together we are happy
364
00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:07,627
* Over the years,
you dry my tears *
365
00:17:07,633 --> 00:17:11,103
* Over the miles,
you bring me smiles *
366
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:14,500
* And when we're old and gray
367
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:19,500
* Together we'll be happy
368
00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:25,733
* Oh, I'm counting on you
369
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,903
* Count the ways I love you
370
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:35,530
- Yeah!
371
00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:39,167
Oh. (tutting)
372
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:41,827
(phone beeping)
373
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:45,067
Are you sexting?
374
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:47,267
- It's a missed call from work.
375
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:51,167
Oh, God, the promotion,
I'll call back later.
376
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:54,367
- Fine, let's get out of
here, go for a boozy lunch?
377
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,067
- But it's my putt.
378
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:58,927
(birds twittering)
379
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,300
- How long have you
had that humped back?
380
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,130
- Oh.
381
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,873
(cheering)
382
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:10,597
That's nice, affirmation,
encouragement.
383
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,630
- You're not a child, Franny.
384
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,073
- I'm your child.
385
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:16,873
- Yes, it's funny really,
386
00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:18,827
it's like looking into
a hall of mirrors.
387
00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:20,303
- [Fran] Oh!
388
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,730
- Always crap at sports.
389
00:18:22,733 --> 00:18:25,233
Maybe that's because you
don't like playing with balls.
390
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:27,973
- Stop, okay,
you've got it wrong.
391
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:29,897
- How's wanting to
talk getting it wrong?
392
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,530
- I am not gay, Mum!
393
00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:34,603
- I don't care whether
you're LBO or QTI,
394
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,970
everyone's gender
liquid these days.
395
00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:38,427
You can't hide
from what's inside.
396
00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:40,173
- Well, that's nothing
397
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:45,127
and there's never been
anything, inside or nearby.
398
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:45,973
- Really?
399
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,570
You mean you've not,
400
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,397
not ever?
401
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,870
Well, how can this be?
402
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:58,397
- It just never
happened for me, Mum.
403
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,270
- Oh, Franny, that's, that's,
404
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,797
ridiculous!
405
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,430
You're a virgin, you're 35!
406
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:07,673
(phone ringing)
407
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,597
I mean, what?
408
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:10,730
- God, not now.
409
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:14,367
- Franny, I mean, seriously?
410
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:19,367
- Yes, I'm a virgin, a big,
fat 35-year-old virgin, okay?
411
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,900
- [Nigel] Fran, hello,
it's Nigel Merdon.
412
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,300
- Oh!
(phone thudding to ground)
413
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,770
- Hello?
- Oh, God!
414
00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:27,497
- Fran?
- Oh, shit!
415
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,730
(disconnecting phone call)
416
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:31,803
- A virgin, I, I
can't believe it!
417
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:34,900
- Well, of course you can't!
418
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:41,073
You were the universal docking
station, one size fits all!
419
00:19:42,233 --> 00:19:43,203
- Are you saying
this is my fault?
420
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,700
- If the Dutch cap fits!
421
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,470
- Well, it didn't and
that's why you're here.
422
00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:47,297
- What?
423
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,830
I didn't ask to be born!
424
00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:50,503
- Oh, that's right,
blame the mother.
425
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:53,130
- Well, I can't do
it, Mum, I can't!
426
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,933
- What are you saying?
427
00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:58,633
- I can't do a trip down
traumatic memory lane,
428
00:19:58,633 --> 00:19:59,703
it's not fair!
429
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,930
- Life's not fair, Franny!
430
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:06,903
It's so short and there's
so much I want to do.
431
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,770
- It's always what
you want to do!
432
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:13,127
This is the first time you have
ever thought of me, and why?
433
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:17,303
You want a chauffeur, you're
not even sorry, are you?
434
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,030
You are never sorry.
435
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,503
- I'm sorry you've
made a mess of things.
436
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,500
- You've ruined my career.
- You ruined my vagina!
437
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,170
- You ruined my life!
438
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:29,727
- You did that all by yourself.
439
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:34,403
You can't putt, you can't
fuck, what can you do?
440
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,930
- I can drive you to Dignitas!
441
00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:38,873
I, I didn't mean that, I.
442
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,930
(light melodic music)
443
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:03,333
(quiet background chattering)
444
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:09,527
Oh, hi, it's Fran, um, someone
just briefly stole my phone,
445
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,200
don't know what
you heard, weird.
446
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,270
Anyway just wondering if you
had any news about the job?
447
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,930
It's Fran, by the
way, yeah, okay, bye.
448
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,370
(groaning)
449
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:25,297
- [Dom] Which king
died on the toilet?
450
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:26,130
- George II.
451
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:30,197
(fanfare music)
- Oh!
452
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,800
You just won me a tenner!
453
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,200
I should buy you a drink.
454
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:38,497
(quiz machine dispensing coins)
455
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,270
(quiet background pop music)
456
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:47,367
- Oh, okay, sure.
457
00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:49,227
- Oh, I'm Dom, by the way.
458
00:21:49,233 --> 00:21:53,833
- Aneurism, that's
how George II died.
459
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:54,933
I am called Fran.
460
00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:59,497
- It's nice to talk to
a grown-up for a change.
461
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:01,130
- Oh, isn't it?
462
00:22:01,133 --> 00:22:02,733
- I'm on me own
with them, you see.
463
00:22:02,733 --> 00:22:03,673
- God, me too!
464
00:22:04,833 --> 00:22:07,803
Why is it so difficult
just to communicate?
465
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,900
- Hm, they drive
you mad sometimes.
466
00:22:09,900 --> 00:22:12,130
- Why can't she be
the adult for once?
467
00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:13,573
- It gets easier.
468
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:17,967
How old's yours then?
- 70.
469
00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:23,467
Mum, I shouldn't have.
470
00:22:25,233 --> 00:22:28,503
(mellow melodic music)
471
00:22:36,067 --> 00:22:38,227
- Have you tried
calling your mum?
472
00:22:38,233 --> 00:22:40,073
- Yes, obviously.
473
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,697
Look, okay, so she's this tall
474
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:45,800
and this wide.
475
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,270
She's got curly hair
like mine, but white,
476
00:22:51,667 --> 00:22:55,597
big eyes, nose like this.
477
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,770
Well, you couldn't
miss her, she's unique.
478
00:23:00,233 --> 00:23:02,403
Oh, that is actually quite good.
479
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,470
- Don't worry, we'll find her.
480
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:08,697
(mellow melodic music)
481
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,630
Fran Morganstein.
482
00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:24,300
Fran Morganstein.
483
00:23:27,367 --> 00:23:29,897
- Big enough gesture for you?
484
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:30,830
- What?
485
00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:32,573
Mum, where have you been?
486
00:23:32,567 --> 00:23:37,097
- Village pub, I had a White
Russian, a jumbo sausage
487
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:41,170
and then I had an epiphany,
Franny, I realized something,
488
00:23:41,167 --> 00:23:45,797
it's not that I can't do it
without you, I don't want to.
489
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,270
I know things haven't
been great between us,
490
00:23:48,267 --> 00:23:51,297
but I can't change
the last three hours
491
00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:54,800
or the last 35 years,
we can only go forward.
492
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,930
- (sighing) Mum, I
thought I'd lost you.
493
00:23:57,933 --> 00:24:00,503
- I've got to make
the days count.
494
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,930
I want you to come
with me, Franny,
495
00:24:02,933 --> 00:24:05,073
you're in a rut, dear
496
00:24:05,067 --> 00:24:08,227
and I can't die knowing
you haven't lived.
497
00:24:08,233 --> 00:24:10,073
- How did you get this?
498
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,430
- Payment in kind,
499
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:17,530
and I was very kind.
500
00:24:17,533 --> 00:24:18,603
- Ugh!
501
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:19,900
(phone ringing)
502
00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,070
(gasping) Oh!
503
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,070
Oh, God!
504
00:24:24,633 --> 00:24:25,933
Hello?
505
00:24:25,933 --> 00:24:26,773
Yes.
506
00:24:29,067 --> 00:24:29,897
Oh, I see.
507
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,770
External candidate, okay.
508
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,470
Feedback?
509
00:24:37,467 --> 00:24:39,097
Actually, I can't,
510
00:24:40,233 --> 00:24:42,273
my mum's sick and I
need some personal time,
511
00:24:42,267 --> 00:24:43,527
so I'll see you next term.
512
00:24:43,533 --> 00:24:45,503
- And she won't be
a virgin by then!
513
00:24:48,700 --> 00:24:50,370
(sighing)
514
00:24:50,367 --> 00:24:52,567
We're intertwingled, you and I,
515
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,370
after all, you came out
of my fanny, Franny.
516
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:03,367
* I'll be with you every step
517
00:25:03,367 --> 00:25:07,297
* I'll be with you
every step of the way *
518
00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:08,970
* I'll be with you every
519
00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:09,797
- Okay?
520
00:25:11,167 --> 00:25:13,897
* I'll be with you
every step of the way *
521
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:17,130
- [Fran] So no drugs,
no brushes with the law
522
00:25:17,133 --> 00:25:19,773
and no embarrassing me.
523
00:25:19,767 --> 00:25:21,967
* Of the way
524
00:25:21,967 --> 00:25:23,067
- Woo hoo!
525
00:25:24,733 --> 00:25:26,233
Carpe bloody diem!
526
00:25:29,233 --> 00:25:32,303
(melodic rock music)
35907
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