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00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:03,243
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Previously on Big Time...
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,637
I don't know how much longer
I can take it out there, Ben.
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,108
Yeah, well, I don't know
how much longer I can take
it in here, Jack!
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,808
Step one, you go buy me drugs.
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:09,979
[DIANA]
Del might be a criminal.
6
00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:13,477
If this guy so much as sneezes,
you're gonna know about it.
7
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,611
Step two, I take all
of those drugs.
8
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,546
Here we come.
9
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:18,781
[JACK]
Whoa!
10
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,386
[DIANA]
Jack needs a car.
11
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,788
Arr!
Agh!
12
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:24,920
Step three, you check me
into Ben's rehab.
13
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:25,555
Is this heaven?
14
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,629
Please call my brother Jack,
he'll tell you it was a mistake!
15
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,959
I've never done drugs
in my life!
16
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,095
No!
17
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,650
Whoo!
18
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,152
( LAUGHING )
19
00:00:56,991 --> 00:00:59,861
Oh, don't trip, I ain't goin'
nowhere. Don't you go nowhere.
20
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,030
Hah-hah-hah!
Where's Cuba?
21
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,199
Yessir!
22
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:07,597
You're missing a hell
of a party, big bro.
23
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:10,241
I'll be right in, Big O.
24
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,471
Man, you need to ease up
off of that [BLEEP].
25
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:13,913
Mother[BLEEP], I said
I'd be right in!
26
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:16,738
I'll shoot you in your
mother[BLEEP] face!
27
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:22,479
You're right... my fault.
You got it.
28
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,820
Stu, tell me you got some good
news for me, my brother.
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00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:33,255
STU (OVER PHONE): They went with someone else, Cuba.
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All right, you know, I'm sorry, Cuba.
31
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:35,885
What do you want me to do, huh?
32
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:40,066
You know, Spielberg said that
you stole $50 out of his wallet
during the meeting?
33
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,867
What?
Did you?
34
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,139
Cuba, are you high right now?
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00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:43,967
That's besides the point!
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00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:46,911
That is not besides the point!
That is exactly the point, man.
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00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,707
Nobody's gonna work with you, unless you get sober.
38
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,509
No, you have to suck
a [BLEEP] and hiccup!
39
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,881
That's what the [BLEEP]
you gotta do.
40
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:52,809
Finger [BLEEP] me
in a duck suit!
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00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,753
I don't want to have to talk
about a damn thing, but your
momma in my drawers!
42
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,519
Look, Cuba, you gotta
listen to me now, okay?
43
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,390
Nobody's gonna want to work
with you until you get sober.
44
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,019
Listen, Stu! Listen to me
for a second, man!
45
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,764
You gotta understand
something, man!
46
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,129
I'm in a real bad way,
I got into--
47
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,728
I got into some trouble with
some real serious people, man!
48
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,660
I just need you to look out
for me a little bit.
49
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:14,825
I can't look out for you until you get sober, okay?
50
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:18,165
You need to check yourself into
rehab and then I can help you.
51
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,442
Trust me.
Fine. Fine!
52
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:25,241
But it's gotta be quick,
and somewhere discreet.
53
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:39,533
Whoo!
54
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,127
¶ Rainbow whoa oh oh whoa oh oh ¶
55
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,429
¶ Rainbow ¶
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00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,806
Agh! Agh!
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00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:58,481
Oh, I'm sorry.
58
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,509
Were you not enjoying your stay
here at the Four Seasons?
59
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:04,354
Time to wake up and work off
your shakes, you junky loser!
60
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,921
Home... I want to go home.
61
00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:08,951
Yeah, me, too... unstrap him!
62
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:11,416
I want to go home!
63
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,932
He walks over, he pulls
the sheet up, I look at it...
64
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:17,999
and this thing's got
the body of a tiger...
65
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,298
and the legs of a crocodile!
66
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:21,872
Jack?
67
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:25,899
Oh, Ben, what's up?
That's my brother.
68
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:26,936
I got a brother, too,
his name is Steve.
69
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:28,711
Oh, my god, I can't believe
you're here, Jack.
What's going on, buddy?
70
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,839
This place is incredible,
no work, tons of food.
No, it's not.
71
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,445
Pajamas are the uniform.
This is like my heaven, man.
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00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,318
No, it's not, man, it's hell.
It is.
73
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,077
Oh, hey, Brenda?
Ssh.
74
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,594
Sorry, hey, can I get a little
more of that meat sauce?
75
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,887
Bring it to my room
when you get a chance.
76
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,218
Of course, iced tea
to wash it down?
77
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:44,024
Uh-huh, I would love some.
78
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,494
Oh, Jack, you don't want to talk
to her, she's the devil, Jack.
79
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:49,833
You are freaking me out.
Are you okay, man?
No, I'm not okay.
80
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:50,930
Okay, well, where are the
celebrities?
81
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,661
Oh, there's no celebrities
here, Jack.
82
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,096
There's never gonna be
celebrities.
83
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,601
Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?
84
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,742
What?
85
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,583
Hey, Del.
86
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:19,455
You know, sometimes I drink so
much, I can't remember if it's
me that's loaded...
87
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,059
or my gun.
88
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,963
( SNICKERING )
89
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:25,755
( GASPING )
90
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:29,426
What do you think, Del?
You think it's loaded?
91
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,112
Is it loaded?
92
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,767
Is it loaded?
93
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,835
Is it loaded?
Is it loaded?
94
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:44,353
All right, now, you stay away
from Ben and Jack Dolfe...
95
00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:46,291
effective immediately.
96
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,787
Do you understand?
97
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:55,225
Here... go and buy
yourself some new...
98
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,959
whatever the [BLEEP]
those things are.
99
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,066
There he is.
100
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:08,043
Okay, okay, don't say anything.
All right.
101
00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:09,242
Just let me do all the talking.
102
00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:10,913
I know how to handle
celebrities.
103
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,451
Being cool, I'm cool.
Okay.
104
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,477
Show me the money!
105
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,922
Hey, man, is it Cuba or Cooba?
I've always wondered--
106
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,560
That's not my name.
My name is Tom Watkins.
107
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,657
Understands me?
108
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,429
Uh, Mr. Good-- Watkins, we--
we didn't mean anything by it.
109
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,259
We just wanted to welcome you
to the facility. Please, pl--
110
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,364
If I wanted to hear something
from you, I'll rattle my zipper.
111
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,396
What?
You like to talk?
112
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,900
Repeat after me... chestnuts!
113
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:37,603
Chestnuts.
Walnuts!
114
00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,974
Walnuts.
Chin nuts.
115
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,412
Chin nuts.
No, that's a [BLEEP]
in your mouth.
116
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:42,708
Chestnuts... walnuts...
117
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:46,480
Okay, it's-- he's-- I think
he's purple, he's purple.
118
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,180
He's purple.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
119
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:52,883
It's just, uh, you know, if the
paparazzi knew I was here...
120
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,316
it'd be a real problem for me.
121
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,521
Oh, it's the paparazzi.
122
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,152
Yeah.
Yeah.
123
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,916
Listen, let's just keep me
being here between us.
124
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,555
All right, you feel me?
Yes, absolutely, Mr. Watkins.
125
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,691
You feel me? You feel me?
Yeah, I feel you.
126
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,126
I know you see me,
but do you feel me?
127
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,761
Oh, yeah, I feel you.
You feel me?
128
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:06,766
Yeah.
Then why you still here?
129
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,267
No, no, okay, okay.
You know what I'm saying?
130
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,398
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
131
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,573
Okay, so good to meet you.
132
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,142
So good to--
it's great to meet you... Tom.
133
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:17,311
Have a good one.
It's good to meet you, Tom.
134
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:20,151
Oh, my god.
Y'all have a blessed day.
135
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:20,907
[JACK]
That was amazing!
136
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,154
He left his handprints
on your neck!
I know.
137
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:26,990
I just got choked by an
Oscar-winning actor.
That was awesome.
138
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,587
Oh, here we go, this is me.
139
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,391
I-- is this your room?
140
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:34,394
Yeah, I asked for a lake view...
141
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:36,825
but apparently the facility
wasn't built on a lake, so...
142
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,460
you know, this was the next best
thing. It's not bad, though.
143
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:42,496
Compared to mine, it's insane!
144
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:43,343
What's this?
145
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:44,167
Oh, it's my welcome basket.
146
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,541
You don't understand,
I haven't eaten in two days.
147
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,940
They're just feeding me pills.
I'm eating this.
148
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:49,982
Yeah.
Oh, I'm so hungry.
149
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,607
Now we have a real
opportunity here.
150
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,112
If we could just pitch Cuba
on an idea he likes...
151
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,384
he's gonna punch
our ticket to stardom.
152
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,353
You mean Tom Watkins.
153
00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:59,451
Paparazzi just ruinin' his life.
154
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,223
What a bunch of jerk-offs!
155
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,090
It's the "gotcha" media
nowadays, right?
156
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,159
You can't even check
into rehab...
157
00:07:03,157 --> 00:07:07,427
without some scumbag paparazzi
sticking his camera
in your face.
158
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,828
( MIMICS PAPARAZZI )
159
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,699
Oh, look, he's eating
a croissant.
160
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:13,267
Oh, look, he doesn't wear
any underwear.
161
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,267
Oh, gosh, his dick is huge.
162
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:17,668
Oh, no, now the head is sticking
out and it's winking at us.
163
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,071
Click, click, click.
164
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,672
Oh, surprise!
Now he's a drug addict...
165
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:23,384
because we follow him 24-7
and make him go crazy.
166
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:26,477
No wonder why Tom Watkins tried
to strangle you to death.
167
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,550
He's just frustrated.
168
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:31,318
Yes, frustrated with the
paparazzi, and what price
do they pay?
169
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,578
None.
None, exactly.
170
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,846
Somebody ought to follow them
around until they go crazy.
171
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,715
Yeah, celebrities should get
together and follow the
paparazzi.
172
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,124
Yes.
Take pictures of their babies...
173
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,926
or they take pictures of them
with no make-up on.
174
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:42,359
Yes!
175
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:45,032
Or they take pictures of them
eating cereal and then the
celebrities can say...
176
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,802
"How do you like it,
you paparazzi scum?"
177
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,541
Yes! That is a show
I would watch!
178
00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:52,067
Me, too.
179
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,472
Oh, my god.
What?
180
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:58,044
That... is a show
I would watch.
181
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:06,181
Well, I'd like to report that
my crack fixation, it's gone.
182
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:09,916
I took Phil's advice
and I found myself a hobby.
183
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:13,333
I've been producing my own
toilet cam videos.
184
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:17,497
Psst... hey.
Some people call them
"vids" for short.
185
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:20,898
It's actually a passion
of mine, that I--
186
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,341
I wa-- I wanted
to apologize about before.
187
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:28,438
And also, what I forgot
to mention was that we are
in the biz, okay?
188
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:32,012
In a major way, so it's cool,
no worries.
189
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:33,176
Yeah.
190
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,980
Uh, anyway, it's as
simple as it sounds...
191
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:39,622
just online videos of people
defacating and urinating...
192
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,720
and wiping and masturbating--
193
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,063
And actually, on that--
on that note, um...
194
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,958
I have an idea for a show
that I think is gonna really
interest you.
195
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,132
Okay, it's called
To Catch a Paparazzi.
196
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:54,201
It stars you. You invade
paparazzi houses.
197
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,331
You take pictures of them,
take pictures of their kids...
198
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:59,366
take pictures of their families,
you see how they like it.
199
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,473
Yeah, now we see
how they like it.
200
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:05,005
If you don't stop talkin',
I'm gonna twist your wrist
clean off...
201
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,052
suffocate you with the bone,
hear me?
202
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,007
Oh, yeah, yeah--
203
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,480
Ow.
204
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:13,885
So sorry to bother you,
Mr. Watkins, but you
have a phone call.
205
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:14,647
What?
206
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,215
There's a phone call for you.
207
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:21,631
Ow.
208
00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:26,128
Um, hey, at least he didn't pull
out a weapon this time.
209
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:27,703
Yeah, that's true,
we're getting closer.
210
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:31,971
My biggest challenge is-- and
I'm working on it, believe me...
211
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,642
is an airplane toilet.
212
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,310
I mean, I specifically take
flights now and I'm eyeing...
213
00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:40,611
you know, where--
where the security man is.
214
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:43,854
And you know, but th--
it's tough!
215
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,984
H-- how'd you know I was here?
216
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,116
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.) We wouldn't be very good at our business...
217
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:51,791
if we didn't know where our favorite clients were.
218
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,262
How's rehab? Are you getting the help you need?
219
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:57,961
Listen, listen, I got your money
and I can bring it to you...
220
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,495
I just don't-- I just don't
have it here in rehab with me.
221
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,200
You know, they don't let you
bring cash in here.
222
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,542
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.) I would like to meet tonight.
223
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:06,338
No, now-- now wait a minute.
Now wait a minute, now wait
a minute.
224
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,870
I-- I-- I can get you
your money, I just need
a little more time.
225
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:15,606
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.)There is no more time. I'll seeyou tonight.
226
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:18,046
Hello?
227
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:24,191
I think we just need to come
up with a new strategy.
228
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,591
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
give him some space.
229
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,263
Yes, give him some space.
230
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,632
And we'll try again
in ten minutes.
231
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,302
Hey! Oh, there y'all are!
232
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,001
Oh! Hey!
233
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,232
You know, I was just saying
to myself, I said...
234
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:40,236
"Cuba, you need to find those
two brothers and apologize."
235
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,570
Really?
236
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:44,735
I'm obviously not Tom Watkins,
man, let's start over, shall we?
Ah, oh!
237
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:48,575
You're obviously
Cuba Gooding Jr.!
238
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:50,282
So good to meet you.
Wow!
239
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,223
Hey, listen...
Mm-hm.
240
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,048
Y'all guys are probably
from this town, right?
241
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:57,363
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I guess you could
say we're both from Hollywood.
242
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,685
That means you probably got
a car, too, right?
243
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,893
Well, we don't technically have
a car. No, we don't have a car.
244
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,596
No-- yeah, but we could get--
we could get one for ya'.
Yeah.
245
00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:07,769
You could get one?
Yeah, what you thinkin' CG2?
246
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,428
Well, listen, that idea you had?
247
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,766
You know, about breaking
into scumbag's homes?
248
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,542
You mean paparazzis.
249
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:14,340
Yeah.
Yeah.
250
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,481
Could we do that [BLEEP] today?
251
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,437
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, yeah.
252
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:20,576
Yeah?
We could-- we could--
253
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,580
Yeah, we could w--
All right, that's what
I like to hear, my brother.
254
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:26,653
You go get that car and
I'll be ready in 15 minutes.
255
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:28,293
Yeah, and a-- and a camera.
256
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,918
What?
Yeah, we'll get the car
and the camera.
257
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,564
Yeah, we gotta film it.
258
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,990
Right.
Yeah.
259
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:35,655
Just get that car.
260
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:39,462
Yeah, we'll get that car
and that camera.
No problem, Mr Junior, sir.
261
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:43,326
Oh, my god! Aren't you--
Wait.
262
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,500
He's gone! Oh!
263
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,735
Oh, my god!
264
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:51,240
Oh, hello, welcome to Big Deal
Mart, it's a beautiful day.
265
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,112
Excuse me. Hello.
266
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,114
JACK (O.S.) Del, it's Jack.
267
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,445
Jack, I told you
not to call me here.
268
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,450
Yes, I know, but this is very important.
269
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:00,892
But the man with the gun
said that I couldn't see you...
270
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,217
and I peed my pants.
271
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,792
Del, what the living [BLEEP]
are you talking about?
272
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:07,631
He put a gun in my mouth
and he shot it...
273
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,127
and he shot it and it was awful!
Del!
274
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,930
I'm sorry for whatever
nightmare you had last night...
275
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:16,303
but we absolutely do not have
time for your bull[BLEEP]!
276
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,203
But, Jack--
277
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:20,244
Del! Just get a camera and
a car...
278
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,440
and bring it to the rehab
where you dropped me off!
279
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,343
Jack, the man is going
to kill me.
280
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,406
Del! I will kill you!
I will torture you!
281
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,216
I will come to your house!
I don't think it's working--
282
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:33,119
Your face is getting really red!
283
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,690
I will come to your house!
No, no, no.
284
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:36,888
And I will sew your ass shut!
I don't think it's--
okay, o--
285
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,760
And I will just keep
feeding you!
Jack, don't threaten him!
286
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,089
Threats don't work.
...and feeding you!
287
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,633
...and feeding you! Do you hear me?
288
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,199
Jack, there's a-- let me--
let me try.
Del!
289
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:47,197
At least, I don't--
He's doing this on purpose!
290
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:47,870
It's not working.
291
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,468
BEN (O.S.) Hey, Del, it's Ben.
Oh, hi, Ben.
292
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,539
We need you, Del, okay? This is your moment.
293
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:52,568
This is your moment
to be the hero.
294
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:56,112
Cuba Gooding Jr. is here
and he wants to work with us.
295
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:56,639
Snow Dogs.
296
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,913
Now bring the car and the camera, okay, Del?
297
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:00,612
Should I take Jack's car?
298
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:01,814
What? Jack's car?
299
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,775
Yeah, your dad
just bought it for him.
300
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:04,654
Dad bought you a car?
301
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,051
I didn't know that.
He bought me a car?
302
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:09,052
All right, well, yeah,
bring Jack's car.
That was nice.
303
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:10,585
Okay, good, bye.
304
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:14,530
I'm sorry,
my best friend needs me.
305
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,056
Mom and Dad got you a car.
306
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:17,903
Yeah, I didn't even know that.
307
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,868
I guess they felt like
I deserved it, since they
paid for your sweet rehab.
308
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,737
Hey, hey, you guys ready?
Why aren't you dressed?
Yeah.
309
00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:24,897
You got the car, right?
310
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,635
Yes, we got the car!
311
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:28,069
Our fat, little friend'll
be here in about ten minutes.
312
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,174
All right, good, look,
I signed us out.
313
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,536
Now let's go get our stuff,
let's go, let's get out of here!
Come on!
314
00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:32,735
Wait, wait, wait.
How did you do this?
315
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:35,776
Last time I tried to get
out of here, they popped me
full of lithium.
316
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:36,712
Did you ask to sign out?
317
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,216
No.
Well, that's all you gotta do.
318
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,688
Uh, excuse me? We can
just leave whenever we want?
319
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,988
Of course, rehabs are voluntary.
320
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:44,760
You stupid asshole.
321
00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:46,558
Come on, yo, let's go.
Come on!
322
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,590
Did you hear her
call me a stupid--
323
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,755
Neither one of you heard that?
324
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:09,546
[SCOLES]
Breaking and entering.
325
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:23,602
Stupid junkies... never learn.
326
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,128
[BEN]
I can't believe
they bought you a car.
327
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,636
They throw me in rehab and they
buy you a car? So typical.
328
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,309
Oh, yeah, because
she's a real beaut.
329
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,937
Well, at least you have one.
330
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:38,742
Uh, stop! That's him! That's
him, he's a notorious paparazzi!
331
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:39,805
[BEN] Really?
[CUBA] Yeah.
332
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:41,313
[JACK] That guy?
[CUBA] Mm-hm.
333
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,354
What did he do to you?
334
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:44,979
He took pictures of me
while I was in the bath...
335
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,945
playing with myself.
Oh!
336
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:47,823
What a pervert!
Mm-hm.
337
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:50,721
Unreal, man... all right,
so what should we do?
338
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,564
Well, I'm more
of an improv guy...
339
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,959
so let's just freestyle
and see where it takes us.
Yes.
340
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:56,532
Oh, my god!
341
00:14:56,529 --> 00:15:00,269
Okay, Del, get the camera ready.
You are about to shoot some
world-class improv.
342
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:03,067
No, no, no, you stay here,
keep the car running.
343
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,639
Oh, who's gonna run the camera?
344
00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:05,068
You!
345
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:09,171
Oh, we actually talked about
possibly co-hosting together,
so--
346
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:09,735
Not anymore.
347
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,183
Yeah, what are you doing?
Just shoot it!
Okay.
348
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:12,377
And keep that camera off me!
349
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:15,379
Off of you? I thought that was
the whole point?
350
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,845
Well, not at first, at first,
we want to be more mysterious.
351
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:21,052
You know? Build the suspense.
352
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,024
Follow my lead!
353
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,523
Freakin' genius!
354
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,534
Why do we even have Del
around, then?
355
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,755
Have fun, guys.
356
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,301
Wait, hold on!
How do I look?
357
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:33,159
You look great.
How do I look?
358
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,096
Good.
Oh, wait, doesn't matter,
because I'm the camera guy.
359
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:39,371
Are you serious right now?
Come on, we're about to shoot
with Cuba Gooding Jr.
360
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,472
Fine.
361
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,843
Okay. Hi,
I'm T. Jackson Dolfe.
362
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,442
I'm T Jackson--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
363
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,914
What is-- what is T Jackson?
What's that?
364
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:48,312
T, it sounds more professional.
365
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,475
Whatever. Okay, go.
366
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,753
Hello, I'm T Jackson Dolfe
and this is...
367
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:56,122
Can I help you?
To Catch a Papara--
368
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,362
Oh!
Whoa!
369
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,387
Did you get that?
370
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,121
Yes!
Oh, my god!
371
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,426
I think he killed the guy!
372
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:05,599
Holy hell!
373
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,673
Whoa!
374
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,327
Is that him?
Yeah, that's him!
375
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,436
And he owe me money, too!
376
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:12,738
Oh.
377
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,036
Hey! You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
378
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,510
Tie him to that chair! And
if he comes to, grill his ass!
379
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:20,079
I'm gonna go upstairs and
make sure there's no more,
uh, paparazzi scum.
380
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,150
[BEN] All right!
[JACK] Yeah!
381
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,147
Okay, there he is.
We just got permission
to grill you.
382
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,880
Oh, here he is.
Look at this scumbag.
383
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:29,386
Oh, hi there, Mr. Paparazzi.
How many lives have you ruined?
384
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,089
Huh? All right, I'm gonna find
something to tie him up.
385
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,592
Oh, okay, yeah.
386
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,699
And action...
387
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,304
Hello, I'm T Jackson Dolfe.
388
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:52,636
And I am here at the home of one
of the most vile, disgusting
and dangerous members...
389
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,805
of the paparazzi.
390
00:16:53,813 --> 00:17:01,423
Join us on this episode of...
To Catch a Paparazzi.
391
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:03,618
You get it?
392
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,285
I'm a scumbag paparazzi.
393
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,433
[BEN]
I take pictures of panties.
394
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:14,098
I take pictures of pa--
I wait for no underwear
and take pictures!
395
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:18,168
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
396
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:20,641
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
397
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,010
How do you like--
How do you like it?
398
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:24,438
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
399
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:25,114
I'm saying the line.
400
00:17:25,111 --> 00:17:27,411
Yeah, that's my line.
I'm the on-screen talent.
401
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,784
I came up with that line.
It was my line first.
402
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:30,653
Camera guys don't have lines.
403
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:34,320
What've you ever watched
60 Minutes and hear a camera guy
just start mouthing off...
404
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:35,720
in the middle of an interview
with the Clintons?
405
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,462
You know what? You film it.
You film it, I'm done.
406
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:41,727
Are you effing with me? We have
got Cuba Gooding Jr. up there.
407
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,828
Uh-oh, look, paparazzi scum
waking up.
408
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:44,760
I wish we had someone
to film it.
409
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:47,804
Okay, for episode two,
we can both host together.
410
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,271
Do you promise?
Yes, I promise.
411
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:52,699
Thank you, that's all I wanted.
Okay, go!
412
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:53,835
Um, who are you?
413
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:58,340
I'm T Jackson Dolfe,
and I have a question for you.
414
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:01,284
[JACK]
How do you like it?
415
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,681
( WOMAN SCREAMING )
416
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,682
Oh, look, he's got
a wife and kids!
417
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,954
Tommy! Run! Run, Tommy! Go!
418
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:11,894
Oh, look at me! I'm an
over aggressive paparazzi!
419
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,227
[JACK]
Oh, how do you like that,
scumbag!
420
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,067
Uh-oh, time for the upskirt!
421
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,499
Oh! Do you get it?
She just hit me!
422
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,505
You are getting sued!
423
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,651
Oh, whoa, whoa!
424
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,918
No, I'm not a paparazzi!
I'm a teacher!
425
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,047
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait!
426
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,422
You said I had a month!
What? Wait!
427
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,251
[CUBA]
Wait, look.
428
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:45,988
[SCOLES]
Oh, [BLEEP]!
429
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,292
I'm gonna get the money!
Give this to Holgado!
430
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,194
I'm a six-grade science teacher!
431
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:54,626
Yeah, right!
That's a likely story, you
freakin' bottom feeder!
432
00:18:55,568 --> 00:19:01,308
Look at this, look! See this?
Look at all this jewelry.
433
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:04,507
I know it's not enough!
Please, please, guys, please!
434
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,541
( CUBA SCREAMING )
Oh!
435
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:07,646
What the hell is that?
436
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,647
Oh, sh-- come on, no!
437
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,917
Hold it!
438
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:17,959
Uh, Ben?
439
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:21,257
Hey-- hey, Jack? Do you want to
come look at this real quick?
440
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:25,131
I think that Cuba just
improv-ed getting kidnapped.
441
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,771
[BEN]
Have you noticed all these
awards on the wall?
442
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,167
[BEN] I'm just seeing them.
[JACK] What?
443
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:34,140
[BEN]
Rick Kocher is
"Teacher of the Year" again.
444
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,308
Oh, no.
445
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,613
( WHIMPERING )
446
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:45,783
Oh, my god!
I love you so much.
447
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,185
I love you!
448
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:57,400
Living my life with you--
Please!
449
00:19:57,397 --> 00:20:00,627
Hey... this was--
hey, okay.
450
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,273
We are so sorry.
We are so sorry.
451
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,338
We are so sorry, okay?
It's a huge misunderstanding.
452
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,738
Th-- this is the wrong house.
453
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:07,569
[BEN]
Brah, we got bad info.
454
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:11,084
I just want to show you me
deleting your wife's
upskirt shots.
455
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,107
Oh, don't show me those!
Oh, no!
456
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,111
No, no, no,
I'm gonna erase them.
457
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,252
Just leave!
You know, okay, you know what?
458
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,377
Get out of my house!
We should probably go.
459
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,112
Okay, all right.
Okay!
460
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,276
[BEN]
Sorry. You have a lovely home!
[JACK] So sorry.
461
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:20,985
Oh, god! What the hell was that,
Jack!
462
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,847
I don't know, but I think
Cuba just got kidnapped.
463
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,715
Why did he have us terrorize
that teacher?
464
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,834
I don't know, we just gotta
get the hell out of here!
465
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,861
Oh, my gosh.
Whoa.
466
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,203
Who the hell are you?
467
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:35,168
We're gonna have
to have a little talk.
468
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,598
What?
469
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,870
Drive.
470
00:21:05,198 --> 00:21:08,568
I'm gonna ask a question, and
then I'm gonna need an answer...
471
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,098
or you're all
just as good as dead.
472
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,843
I have prepared a romantic
evening for the two of us.
Oh.
473
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,240
Listen!
Oh!
474
00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:16,811
You better tell me
what you're hiding.
475
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,239
Oh, no.
No.
476
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,484
[ALAN]
They got it in my mouth?
37268
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