All language subtitles for American Housewife s05e06 Mothers Little Helper.eng

♪

Oliver.
Your math book looks sad.

You know why? Because it'’s got
so many problems.

[ Chuckles ]

You don'’t need
to tell a dad joke

to remind us
you'’re a dad.

Your new cellphone belt clip
tells us that.

Taylor: [ Laughs ]
You can get to it quick

in case there'’s
a history emergency.

Hi, it'’s Greg Otto.

You want to be
a history professor

but your sweater'’s
not bulky and outdated enough?

[ Scoffs ]
I'’ve got plenty!

And with every order,
I'’ll tell you one thing

that was in Lincoln'’s pockets
when he died.

-[ Laughter ]
-A button.

Don'’t make fun of Dad.

He buys these
outdated sweaters

'’cause he spends
every dime

giving his family
the best life he can.

No, I actually like
these sweaters.

Take the olive branch,
amigo.

-What are you guys doing?
-Making fun of Dad.

What have I said about
making fun of your father?

Both: Wait until
you'’re in the room.

That'’s okay.
Nothing is gonna get me down.

Tami is moving to Westport.

-[ Gasps ]
-Oh.

-Who'’s Tami?
-She'’s from our old block.

She'’s the greatest.

She held my hand
through the tough times.

When Taylor had colic,

when Oliver
wouldn'’t sleep-train,

when Dad grew that
Mario Brothers mustache.

I always hoped it would turn
into a beautiful butterfly.

[ Laughter ]

See? It'’s so much nicer
making fun of Dad together.

♪

--Captions by VITAC--

♪

Hey, mommies!

I want to introduce a new
exciting guest --

my best friend
from my old neighborhood:

-Tami Gaines!
-Hi!

-You don'’t have to get
that close, baby. -Oh, no.

I was just checking to see
if I had something in my teeth.

Ooh. I do.

This lady right here

is the closest thing
to a mommy vlog

before there were
mommy vlogs.

She taught me everything I know
about being a tough mom.

It'’s not a toughmom.

It'’s a goodmom.

Kids need boundaries.

And sometimes a strong
over-the-counter antihistamine.

[ Both laugh ]

Tami knows what
she is talking about.

She has raised two amazing kids,
now in college,

and an adorable 8-year-old
named Grace.

Yeah, my youngest one
was an accident.

When our last kid
left the house,

my husband and I finally
had the place to ourselves.

We watched "Ocean'’s Eleven,"
and that Andy Garcia!

-Whoo!
-[ Laughs ]

Remember when
we would pretend

to go to mommy class
every Saturday night?

But instead, we made a beeline
to the Foxwoods Casino.

Not to gamble.

We would just take naps

in those comfy
sportsbook loungers.

Oh, how about that time

those Eagles fans
painted us green?

-We never woke up.
-[ Both laugh ]

She taught me parenting rule
number three:

always put "damn"
in front of things.

"Pick your damn
shoes up."

"Make your own
damn breakfast."

Imay be a real mother,

but thisis the realest mother
of them all.

-That'’s the damn truth.
-Still got it.

-You'’re damn right.
-Okay, that'’s enough.

I only get six "damns,"

or I lose
my family-friendly rating.

♪

Tami: It'’s so cool
you'’re doing a vlog.

I wish I had more subscribers,
but I'’m working hard on it.

I have more Twitter followers
than Oliver,

but not as many as Taylor.

That girl is not afraid
to show her feet.

[ Laughs ]

Well,
you got to keep at it.

Matt and I didn'’t
get discouraged

when we started
our small business,

and look at me now.

These holes?
Put there by a designer.

[ Laughs ]

I still can'’t believe
that you came up

with easy-to-rip
packaging tape.

If you figured out
how to do that with bras,

you would make
a lot of teenage boys happy.

[ Both laugh ]

Oops! I spilled.

Grace!

Oh.
Don'’t worry about it, honey.

That couch has so much cereal
underneath those cushions,

it'’s about time
someone added milk.

Well, here,
let me help.

I got it.
Don'’t worry. You go.

Okay. Well, thank you.

Grace and I still
have some boxes to unpack.

I'’m gonna go stare at them
for a second,

get overwhelmed,
and come right back.

[ Laughs ]

Don'’t forget,
after school today,

I need you
to be in my vlog.

All you do
is embarrass me.

I promise, I won'’t.

Maybe I will talk
about when you were little

and you used to call Wheat Thins
"weenas."

It was cute, but it was awkward
at the supermarket

when you would scream
for weenas.

No!

Some kids at school
found your vlog,

and now they'’re
making fun of me.

How would you feel

if I told embarrassing
stories about you?

Remember when you split
your leggings at Costco?

Who doesn'’t wear underwear
with leggings?

That'’s why I was at Costco.
To get underwear.

You have an annoying answer
for everything, don'’t you?

I can do this all day,
baby.

[ Scoffs ]

Ugh!

♪

Ta-da!

I give you
the basement.

You were right! Oliver and
Cooper have the best room in the house!

Before I convinced Cooper
to give up his credit cards,

I should have had him buy me
that giant outdoor Yahtzee set.

It'’s called "Yardsie."

You don'’t have to tell me.
I read SkyMall.

-[ Laughs ]
-Ooh!

How do you work
this massage chair?

Let'’s try this remote.

Nope.

Whew!
Keep on pressing, baby.

I want a disco ball.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Motor whirring ]

[ Gasps ]

Okay, before you get mad,
I'’d love a gimlet.

[ Whirring stops ]

Oliver! Cooper!!

-[ Toilet flushes ]
-What'’s going on?

Have you been in the bathroom
this whole time?

Yeah. I was using
the Japanese toilet.

Did you know the seat
has a warmer,

and if you sit there
long enough,

it'’ll ask
if you'’re okay?

I know this sounds weird,

but I think we'’re actually
becoming friends.

Where did that
come from?

Our 17-year-old and his
idiot friend are drinking.

Ooh! This is that George Clooney
tequila! This is expensive!

And this is the wine
I couldn'’t afford to buy you on our anniversary.

Remember when the waiter
told me how much it costs,

and I had to tell him I just
realized we were in AA?

I'’m going to go find
Oliver and Cooper.

I'’ve been
rewatching "Dexter."

I'’ve got a few
murder techniques

that I'’ve been
wanting to try out.

♪

[ Door closes ]

They'’re not upstairs.

-They'’re not outside either.
-Good.

This is gonna give us time
to research military schools.

And not one of the good ones.
The ones that get closed down

-after "60 Minutes"
does an exposé on them. -Mm-hmm.

Guys.
That is notthe way to go.

The more you push back,
the more they'’ll party.

Then they'’ll just learn
to hide it better.

But we can'’t just let
Oliver and Cooper drink!

I agree.

But there are other ways.

[ Gasps ]

Guide me, sensei.

Okay, first,
you leave them a clue

to let them know
you know about the booze.

[ Motor whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

Looks like someone
moved a bottle.

[ Chuckling ]
No way.

No one could have
found the bar.

What'’s this?

[ Gasps ]

It'’s a Walgreens coupon

for 50 cents off
pomegranate lip balm!

You know what
this means?

That someone'’s both
thrifty and chapped?

No! My mom'’s been here!
She knows!

-What'’re we gonna do?
-Please tell me you had them build

-the El Chapo escape tunnel.
-I did, but it'’s not finished!

They'’re still putting
down the mosaic floor!

I knew one day your
impeccable eye for design

would come back
to bite us in the ass.

And once they know we know,
that'’s when we drop the hammer?

No.
What you do next is...

nothing. Let '’em squirm.

The long wait for you to come
down on them with the punishment

isthe punishment.

Smart.

The scariest monsters
in the movies

are the ones
you don'’t see.

Like climate change.

We'’re not doing that
right now, Greg.

♪

I guess we could take

a little break
from our homework.

Is that what
we were supposed to be doing?

I was trying to come up
with nicknames for myself.

All I have so far is
"Cheeseburger Larry."

[ Laughs ]

One thing I have found
is that kids love screen time.

Maybe too much.

Who are you
talking to?

You guys.

I see that you'’re
playing video games.

My suggestion would be
to do your homework first.

That'’s good time management,
mommies.

"Mommies" is my new pet name
for you two.

Care to explain this?

I, um...

I got nothin'’.

Franklin?

[ Latches click ]

Katie Otto?

You'’ve been served.

-A cease and desist order?
- Yes.

You are no longer allowed
to use images of Anna-Kat Otto

without her express
written permission.

How did you
even get this?

Oh.
My mom'’s Church Leader, Bob.

He keeps a stack of them
on his desk.

He gets a lot
from Taylor Swift.

He uses her music
in his recruitment videos.

♪

Remember, I have my Monday night
faculty meeting,

so I won'’t be home
for dinner.

And you need to find
a ride home from school.

[ Sighs ] How will
I ever get home

without listening
to Jefferson Starship?

-Ha ha. Very funny.
-[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

Good morning.

Heyyy.

How are you boys
feeling?

[ Smacks lips ]

Good?

Good! Good.

Glad to hear that.

Coop, let'’s make
ourselves useful

and deep-clean
the kitchen.

Yeah.
Love that idea.

I'’m kinda itching

to dust the tops of those,
uh, curtain rods.

Yeah.
[ Chuckle nervously ]

Soon, the guilt
will kick in,

and they'’ll do anything
to get on your good side

to lessen the punishment.

And as a bonus, they'’ll develop
an aversion to alcohol

because they'’ll associate it
with stress.

-You'’re amazing!
-And the best part is --

That wasn'’t the best part?!
Greg!

-There'’s a better part!
-[ Laughs ]

Eventually,
they'’ll confess,

and you guys will have all
that fancy liquor to yourselves.

You can drink it, sell it,
give it to your good friend Tami

as a thank-you
for this great plan.

No pressure,
but that last idea --

I like that one.

We'’re gonna
have a real bar!

Not three half-bottles
of Bloody Mary mix

next to the 409
under the sink.

♪

Oliver and Cooper
are deep-cleaning

behind the refrigerator
right now.

They found
an old pizza bagel,

my AAA card,
and Greg'’s beret,

which now I have to hide
someplace else.

Rule nine: psychological
torture works. It just does.

Now if you could
just help me with Anna-Kat.

What'’s going on with her?

She refuses
to do my vlog.

Why don'’t you
just use Grace?

Perfect!

And this'’ll give me a chance
to get to know her.

I mean, it'’s not
like I can physically force

Anna-Kat to do my vlog.

She'’s already
lawyered up.

He'’s only 11,
but he makes me nervous.

♪

[ Rock music plays ]

Hey, Fiona,
can you give me a ride home?

My dad has
a faculty meeting.

Isn'’t that your father
right there?

♪

Oh. My. God.

[ Song ends ]

-[ Applause ]
-Thank you!

Alright,
this next one goes out

to all you civil warriors
out there.

It'’s called...

All: "Gettin'’ Readys-burg
for Gettysburg"!

Oh. My. God.

He plays here every Monday
night with a few other history professors.

-You didn'’t know? [ Chuckles ]
-[ Drumsticks tapping ]

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ July of 1863

♪ At 9:00 a.m., there was
a battle for breakfast ♪

♪ Instead of
boiled eggs and ham ♪

♪ The Union'’s in need
of a leader with speed ♪

♪ Luckily, they had
General George G. Meade ♪

♪ We'’re parched from rebellion and a drink'’s what we need ♪

♪ So pour us that tall
glass of General Meade ♪

♪ We'’re gettin'’ readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪

♪ Let'’s go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪

♪ I'’m feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪

♪ '’Cause history gets me hot ♪

[ Light applause ]

Oh. My. God.

♪

The gutters are clean.

Now we'’re going to
brush Luthor'’s gums.

They'’re the gutters
of the mouth.

Katie: Why don'’t you come
over here first?

[ Whispers ]
It'’s happening now.

What'’s she gonna do to us?
I can'’t take this anymore.

Pull yourself together,
dude!

Now do me.

[ Both exhale sharply ]

Here we are.

You must be thirsty.

Can I get you a drink?

W-Water'’s fine.

Would you like it
on the rocks?

I'’m...

sorry?

Well, I wouldn'’t want to give it
to you room temperature

and hear you two...

"whine."

Actually,
I'’m not thirsty anymore.

[ Chuckling ]
Me neither.

What was that about?

Oh, just messing
with the boys'’ heads.

Cool.

Hi, Dad! How was your
after-school meeting?

-Fine.
-I'’m curious --

What kind of stuff
do you guys talk about?

Talking points.

What kind
of talking points?

Historical ones.

Okay.
I'’m gonna go upstairs now.

Getting readys-burg for bed,
huh?

What was that
all about?

Just messing
with Dad'’s head.

Cool.

Anna-Kat: Don'’t be pointing
that camera at me.

You'’re off the hook.

I got Grace
to do my vlog with me.

She'’s actually
excitedabout it.

I didn'’t want to say anything
in front of her mom,

but Grace is kind of...

difficult.

She spilled her milk
on the couch on purpose.

I'’m sure it was
an accident.

No, she said,
"Watch this,"

and dumped her milk
on the sofa.

And then she said, "Got milk?",
which is both mean and outdated.

Wow. You don'’t
wanna do my vlog,

and now you'’re making up lies
about a sweet little girl

because you are jealous.

I'’m telling you the truth.
She'’s psycho.

There'’s no way
that she'’s a bad kid

-with Tami as her mother.
-Suit yourself.

I shouldn'’t even be talking
to you without Franklin present.

Grace?
You ready to start?

I guess.

[ Button clicks ]

Hello, all you real mothers.

My guest today is
the adorable daughter

of my good friend
and mom sensei, Tami.

Say hello, Grace!

No.

[ Laughs ]

Someone is a little camera-shy.
Okay.

Today we are going
to learn how to make lunch

with whatever you have
that'’s about to go bad.

For me, that is an open sleeve
of crackers,

cream cheese,
and strawberries.

Doesn'’t that sound fun?

I want cake.

We all want cake,
Grace.

But we'’re having
cracker cream cheese

strawberry
yummy bites.

Have one.

Come on!

Show everyone how
delicious these treats are.

There you go.

Here, Luthor!

Grace, do not give that
to the dog.

Grace?

I said no.

I mean it, Grace.

Do not...

Grace whatever your
middle name is Gaines!

Next time, have cake.

Not cool, Grace!

I'’m coming, mommies!

[ Gasps ]

What a fun guest!

On tomorrow'’s show:

how do you tell the woman
that you have held up

as the greatest mother
in the world

that she raised
a terrible child?

Also: do-it-yourself
sparkle slime.

♪

[ Door opens, closes ]

Thank you so much for
letting Grace do the vlog,

but we did have
a couple of incidents.

She is very cute,
but she'’s a little...

Monster? Yeah.
She'’s the worst.

Why didn'’t you tell me?

Honestly,
I needed a break.

And you look up to me
as this great mom.

And now I'’m not.

What are you
talking about?

I don'’t have the energy
to do it anymore.

Plus, Grace has
built up a tolerance

to over-the-counter
antihistamines.

But you just helped me
with Oliver.

I can handle the older kids,
like my boys.

But when Grace came around,
I was exhausted.

I was busy
with my businesses.

I didn'’t have time
to set up the same rules

as I did for the others.

And Grace never lets up.

I don'’t know what
to do with her.

I tried to wrap her up
in my damn tape,

but it was too easy
to break out of.

And yet it still
holds the boxes closed.

I know.
That'’s why I'’m rich.

[ Laughs ]

You know how
to deal with her.

Don'’t forget rule 17.

Rule 17. Rule 17.

I'’m just so tired.
Can'’t we go to Foxwoods?

Pretend to take away...

Something they love.

And?

If they start to cry,
then you know it'’s working!

Yes! That'’s it!

♪

Grace?

You seem to have an awfully
good time with Luthor.

He gets me.

It'’s a shame
you can'’t see him anymore.

Why?

Well, you fed him that food
that I told you not to give him.

And that'’s not
good for him.

If you'’re gonna be around pets,
you have to be able to listen.

And it doesn'’t seem
like you'’re able to do that,

so Katie'’s gonna put Luthor
in the office,

and you can'’t
see him anymore.

Then can I get
my own puppy?

Of course, honey.

[ Softly ] Tami!

Uh, no! I mean...no.

Because...
you don'’t listen.

I'’m sorry.

If I could play with Luthor,
I promise to listen.

That'’s more like it.

Is it okay if I throw
the Frisbee to Luthor?

Please?

Of course, honey.

Thank you for asking.

-She asked for permission?
-Mm-hmm.

-And she said please?
-Mm-hmm.

You broke her spirit.

-I'’m so proud of you!
-[ Laughs ]

♪

Why didn'’t you tell everyone
about my band?

Because you didn'’t want
to betray my confidence?

No. You'’re cute.

I wanted to wait till we'’re
all together in the same room.

-[ Laughs ]
-You know why I kept it quiet?

Because you guys mock me
about everything.

And I get it --
dads get made fun of.

But we get sick of it,
too.

So, when I joined the band,
I kept it to myself.

You may not think it,
but I have feelings, you know.

[ Sighs ] Man!

This is way less fun when
you make me see you as a person.

[ Sighs ]

Since when
do you play bass?

I learned
in high school.

That'’s really cool.

So, what other secrets
are you keeping from the family?

Even though
Anna-Kat'’s outgrown it,

-sometimes I still watch
"Peppa Pig." -Me too!

I love it when they jump up
and down in the muddy puddles.

-It'’s so good!
-Right?

♪

Hey.
Can we talk a second?

[ Buttons clicking ]

[ Cellphone swishes ]

[ Sighs ]

I'’m sorry for saying
that you were a difficult child.

After spending time
with Grace,

I now know
what one really is.

Turns out,
Tami is not a perfect mom...

and I am not one either.

I shouldn'’t have forced you
to be on my vlog.

I actually don'’t mind
being on it so much.

I just wish all
the stories about me

weren'’t embarrassing ones.

I get it.

-Moving forward...
-[ Door opens, closes ]

-...you have
final say of what I post. - [ Footsteps approach rapidly ]

[ Panting ] I got here
as fast as I could.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

I texted him when you walked in,
just in case. We'’re good.

I'’m still billing you
for this.

♪

I haven'’t slept.

I have this constant gnawing
in my stomach.

And pieces of my hair
are falling out.

Without my hair,
I drop from a 10 to a 9!

I know.
We'’re like mice.

And she'’s the snake
toying with us.

Just swallow us whole
and barf us up already.

That'’s it!

Mom! Dad!

What are you doing?

I'’ve had enough.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Hey, fellas.

What'’s shakin'’?

-We know you know.
-End this already!

Yes! We have a bar.
We'’ve been drinking!

But not even that much.

I just like to hold the snifter
in my hand and swirl.

It'’s a WASP thing.

I'’m begging you.
Please, punish us.

We know underage
drinking is wrong

and promise
to never do it again.

Great. So we'’ll just take
that booze off your hands

-so you'’re not tempted.
-Mm.

Oh, you don'’t have
to worry about that.

We poured it down
the Japanese toilet.

[ Gasps ]

[ Motor whirring ]

-[ Whirring stops ]
-No!

[ Sighing ] Oh, well.

I'’m gonna drown my sorrows
in a 409 Bloody Mary.

Who wants one?

I'’ll have
a Windex chaser.

Hmm.

♪

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ Smoke in the sky

♪ Blood all around

♪ Robert Lee retreated
straight from the grounds ♪

♪ It was a turning point
in the Civil War ♪

♪ As they pushed Lee
away from Philly ♪

♪ No cheesesteaks for Lee,
showed himself out the door ♪

♪ This rebellion
is just plain silly ♪

♪ We'’re gettin'’ readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪

♪ Let'’s go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪

♪ I'’m feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪

♪ '’Cause history gets me hot! ♪

♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Whoo!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !

It was so good.

[ Huffs ]

What'’s hisproblem?

I think you upstaged him.

You better pray you never
have my class, Otto!

♪

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