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Captioning made possible by
trimark pictures
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¶ you got to face it ¶
3
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:59,224
¶ love makes no sense ¶
4
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,295
¶ don't try to fight it ¶
5
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,266
¶ all your defenses
are useless ¶
6
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:11,170
¶ to you now ¶
7
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,771
¶ when you leave this room ¶
8
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:17,543
¶ all you will think
about is me ¶
9
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,381
¶ I'll be every song
on your radio ¶
10
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:25,717
¶ everything on your TV ¶
11
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,653
¶ just wait and see ¶
12
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:33,325
¶ even though you
never looked at me ¶
13
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:38,697
¶ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ¶
14
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:44,636
¶ every true story
is full of lies ¶
15
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,773
¶ that lead to ¶
16
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:48,674
[dialing]
17
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,577
¶ The real you ¶
18
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,879
[phone ringing]
19
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:59,251
Answering machine:
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
20
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,686
[Beep]
21
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,589
Man: Hey.
It's tom...
22
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,491
Again. Um...
23
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,693
Call me.
24
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:13,298
¶ I'll take you by the hand
and soon I'll pull your heart ¶
25
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:18,737
¶ out of your body,
and there is no way ¶
26
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,306
¶ you can escape me ¶
27
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:26,411
¶ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ¶
28
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:29,348
[car alarm]
29
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:32,284
¶ Every true story
is full of lies ¶
30
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:36,455
¶ that lead to ¶
31
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:40,159
¶ the real you ¶
32
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:47,866
¶ the real you ¶
33
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:54,740
¶ real you ¶
34
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:59,711
¶ real you ¶
35
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:06,218
¶ real... You ¶
36
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,724
um... Hi,
I'm Eli wyckoff.
37
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,226
I'm here for my test results.
38
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,794
And you're about an hour early.
39
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,496
Why don't you go
get yourself
some coffee?
40
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,798
Oh, I'm... I'm going
to wait, if that's ok.
41
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,700
Ok.
All right.
42
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,807
This your first time?
43
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,510
My... my first?
44
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,779
No. No.
45
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:38,684
I have this habit
of getting tested
after every boy...
46
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,787
guy that I ever...
You know.
47
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,823
Well, there's only been
like 3 in the past few...
48
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:49,461
Oh... This is
the third, so it's
not really a habit...
49
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,046
Yet.
Uh-huh
50
00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:52,630
oh, no! It's not
like I think
there's even a chance
51
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,701
that I have... You know.
52
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,286
I know the dangers.
53
00:03:57,287 --> 00:03:58,870
I do the police
blotter for
the Hollywood news,
54
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:02,507
so... Me and danger
are like this.
55
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:03,809
So why are you here?
56
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,644
[Telephone rings]
57
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:08,480
Feedback clinic.
This is Esther.
58
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,282
Uh-huh...
59
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,417
Well, did you suck his dick?
60
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,720
Then you better come in.
61
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,488
Ok.
62
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,693
Hi, I'm tom.
63
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,795
And... I'm
an alcoholic.
64
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,697
All: Hi, tom.
65
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,967
So, um...
66
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:31,670
I'm 10 days
away from my
30-day chip.
67
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:35,774
[Applause]
68
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,377
[Clears throat]
69
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,547
Yeah, um... Anyway.
70
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,285
Both my parents are drunks.
71
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:52,724
But, um... I still don't
feel like I belong here.
72
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,493
You know?
73
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:57,663
I mean, I go to flea markets.
74
00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:04,703
I vote. Even for, like,
school board and... and
prop... whatever.
75
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,605
I-I-I'm a special ed teacher,
for Christ's sake.
76
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:09,775
It's not like I'm this
Hollywood has-been,
77
00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:12,944
crouched in an airport bathroom,
sucking on a can of final net.
78
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:17,816
So... Why am I here?
79
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,620
The truth?
80
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,724
Truth is, I met a guy.
81
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:32,998
And if... I had to pick
a... I don't know, a trigger,
82
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,768
you know, I'd... I'd have to say
it was all over this guy.
83
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:42,641
But, whatever. You know what?
Who cares... How it happened.
84
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:45,010
Bottom line is I'm here.
85
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,046
And I quit drinking... And guys,
86
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,849
because I can't be trusted
with either!
87
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:56,488
Thanks.
88
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,827
Nice going.
89
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,445
Oh. Ha ha.
90
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,062
Yeah, well,
I'll get it right
one of these times.
91
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,765
It sounded right to me.
92
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:08,466
It's like you
were telling
my story.
93
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,085
Yeah?
Yeah.
94
00:06:10,086 --> 00:06:11,702
Well, I shared first,
so I get dibs on
the book rights.
95
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,071
That's fair.
96
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,673
So tell me about the guy.
97
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:18,510
Uh, you know what?
No. I don't want
to keep you from...
98
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:19,995
What? From what?
99
00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:21,479
The important things in life,
100
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,963
like stapling
or filing?
[Telephone rings]
101
00:06:22,964 --> 00:06:24,447
Oh, please!
I couldn't be
more bored.
102
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,450
So this thing with that guy?
103
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,419
You seem pretty
healthy with it.
104
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:29,621
Only to the sight-
and hearing-impaired.
105
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:30,656
[Laughs]
106
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:31,690
Pull up your chair, honey.
107
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,693
This one?
Yeah. Move up.
108
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:42,634
So, you and
your boyfriend.
You broke up.
109
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,035
Oh, boyfriend.
I don't know.
110
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,388
I don't know.
111
00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:48,740
I don't know,
but... but things
just got too...
112
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,708
Too!
[Laughs]
113
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,710
You know?
And I choked.
114
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:52,944
I'm an alcoholic.
You do the math.
115
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,148
We met on a blind date,
which sucked.
116
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,650
Then we became friends, and...
117
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,051
Now we don't speak
to each other.
118
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,586
So, a happy ending.
119
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,489
How did we meet.
120
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:05,824
It all started with
this phone call
121
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,859
from my best friend, Jackie.
122
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:08,727
[Beep]
123
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,962
Jackie: Tom! Pick up.
124
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:14,800
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
125
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,169
Damn it. Where are you?
126
00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:18,737
I'm at a pay phone,
'cause I can't get
127
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,773
my piece of shit
cell phone to work
128
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,808
unless I'm standing
on my head with
my fingers up my ass.
129
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,810
Guys in passing car:
Whoo hoo! Yeah!
130
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,478
Fuck you!
131
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,547
Anyway, um... Listen.
132
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,749
Uh, what are you doing
Friday night?
133
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,950
'Cause I just met
this guy Brett
134
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,452
at a furniture store
on Montana,
135
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:36,521
and he showed me this great
love seat to die for,
136
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,757
and I think I could
get it wholesale.
137
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:42,627
There's just, um, one catch.
138
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,602
¶ Everything I want,
you got it ¶
139
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,938
¶ everything I need,
you own it ¶
140
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,907
¶ everything I need,
you got it ¶
141
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,176
¶ everything in me,
you want it ¶
142
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,046
¶ everything I want,
you got it ¶
143
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,615
¶ everything I need,
you own it ¶
144
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:06,685
¶ everything I need,
you got it ¶
145
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,988
¶ everything in me,
you want it ¶
146
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,523
an-an-any luck?
147
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,925
Oh! Uh... With?
148
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,827
Oh, I don't know.
I just figured by now
149
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,728
you'd be looking
for change beneath
the seat cushions.
150
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,798
Oh, God.
You did... you saw me?
151
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,766
Um, yeah, no.
The whole routine.
152
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:22,934
[Laughs]
The little
dance thing.
153
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,503
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
154
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:25,770
Now I'm thoroughly mortified.
155
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:26,972
[They laugh] No, you're fine.
156
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,240
Don't... don't... don't
worry about it.
157
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,507
Well, I know.
But now it's, um,
158
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:32,110
it's your turn
to do something
humiliating.
159
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,913
Oh, well, I... I work
in a furniture store,
160
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,982
so I've pretty much
covered those bases.
161
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:37,849
[Laughs]
162
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,885
Well, hello! Hey.
163
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,920
What's humiliating
about an employee
discount, right?
164
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,555
Which, by the way,
165
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,189
does that apply to
this sort of wheelie
cartie thing?
166
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,958
'Cause this
is yummy.
Right. Look.
167
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,560
"A"... I get 10% off
of this crap,
168
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,547
and "b"... you know,
I don't... I don't
know if the whole
169
00:08:51,548 --> 00:08:54,533
clockwork orange
come Ikea thing is
really your scene?
170
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,200
Honestly.
171
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,502
Quite a salesman.
172
00:08:57,503 --> 00:08:59,803
Yeah, I don't even
know what half
this shit is.
173
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,006
Ok. Great.
174
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,375
Well, you know what, though?
175
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,743
My heart does kind
of beat faster
for this love seat.
176
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:06,745
Oh, you're kidding!
177
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:09,031
Why? Do you hate it?
178
00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:11,316
No, I... it's the only
thing in the store
that's mine.
179
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,584
Yours?
180
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:13,851
Uh, one of my designs, yeah.
181
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:16,555
Oh! You're a designer.
182
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,823
Yeah, yeah.
No, this...
183
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,090
this was one of my
first projects.
184
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,326
Well, I love it.
Thank you.
185
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,828
Uh, what is the color?
186
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,329
Sort of a yellow,
beige, yellow...
187
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:24,996
buttercup.
188
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,665
Buttercup?
189
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,633
Buttercup.
190
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,038
I'm... I'm not
gay. Ok?
191
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,690
Just 'cause I say
butter... you know.
192
00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:36,341
You know, I have
this argument with
Eli all the time.
193
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:37,526
God damn it, man.
194
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:38,710
You know, honestly,
just 'cause I say
buttercup
195
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,795
doesn't mean I'm gay, you know?
196
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:40,879
Or I used to be gay,
or I want to be gay.
197
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,432
Not gay, you know, just very...
198
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:45,984
Particular about
the nomenclature I use
regarding my palette.
199
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,987
And, uh, who's Eli?
The boyfriend?
200
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,639
Right! No, no.
201
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,290
He's my... he's my,
you know, he's
my best friend,
202
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,159
who happens...
happens to be gay.
203
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,294
Well, you know what I think?
204
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,480
I think you're one
of those guys who,
205
00:09:58,481 --> 00:10:00,665
you know, sort of flirts
with a girl, maybe even
takes her to dinner,
206
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,167
and then, you know,
when push comes to shove,
207
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:05,003
the only frenching
you'll be doing with
her are her braids.
208
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,271
Well! That's
pretty sassy.
209
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,006
So you've
been braided
a lot recently?
210
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,207
No, I... look,
I know gay men.
211
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,875
Ok? I practically
invented them.
Oh, ok.
212
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,811
You know? And
there's no such thing
as a straight guy
213
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,714
with a gay best friend
he's not fucking.
214
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,267
Hey! Don't give me
that look, all right?
What?
215
00:10:18,268 --> 00:10:20,819
My friend tom... who by
the way, is single,
if you're interested...
216
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,487
yeah, he's the first to agree.
217
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:24,154
Right, right.
Uh, ok. Well,
thanks for the tip.
218
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:27,092
I'm not particularly
interested
in... in... in tom.
219
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:31,997
Uh, unless,
of course, I mean,
he has your eyes.
220
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,973
So, there's actually a chance
that he didn't hate my guts,
221
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:47,679
and I could be having his
children on that kick-ass,
buttercup love seat.
222
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,014
Which is where you come in.
223
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,983
Tom: I was like, great!
224
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,951
I figured next she'll
be asking me to blow
some guy for 3-day blinds.
225
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,486
[Laughs]
226
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,020
You know in the movies,
227
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:57,554
when a guy's in the supermarket
228
00:10:57,555 --> 00:10:59,088
and he accidentally bumps
shopping carts with
the love of his life?
229
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,609
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well.
230
00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:02,127
The last few times
I bumped carts with anyone,
231
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,963
they looked like they were
fresh off the special bus.
232
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,866
That is why I let
my friends fix me up.
233
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:11,069
[Telephone rings]
234
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,039
[Telephone rings]
235
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:18,043
Answering machine:
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
236
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,277
Man: Eli, you there?
237
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,012
Buddy? Hello, hello.
238
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,746
[Clears throat]
That's right. There's
an x-files marathon on.
239
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:26,418
I cannot believe I'm friends
with a trekkie. It's pathetic.
240
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,053
Ok, I am not
a trekkie.
You got that?
241
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,387
I just like
the x-files.
242
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,322
I believe the truth
is out there.
Don't you?
243
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,158
Yeah, whatever.
Look, man. I, uh...
244
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,159
Fully hooked you up.
245
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,994
You have a date
on Friday night.
246
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,896
What a minute.
What?!
247
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,198
Mmm, yep, that's right.
248
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,499
Your losing streak
is over, my man.
249
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,800
He's, uh, a total stud,
like a big guy.
250
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:42,901
Ok, you always say that.
251
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:43,968
It's like entry level.
252
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,003
It means he's got nipples.
253
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,037
[Laughing]
For you, that'd be
a step up.
254
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,672
Ha ha. That's funny.
255
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:49,306
Anyway, like, uh, his,
uh, his friend Jackie
came into the store.
256
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,009
I completely hit
it off. Yikes!
257
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,478
Let me tell
you. She's got
unbelievable k.B.
258
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,146
What is that?
Killer butt?
No.
259
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,731
[Clears throat] Killer boobs.
260
00:11:56,732 --> 00:11:58,315
Anyway, she told me
about her friend tom.
261
00:11:58,318 --> 00:11:59,484
Uh, sounds like a nice guy.
262
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,252
I, uh, I told...
I lied, basically.
263
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,353
I said you were a great guy.
264
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,705
Told her about you.
That's really nice.
265
00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:05,056
And now you two
have to go out
on Friday night.
266
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,458
Ok, wait a minute,
says who? That's...
[Knocks]
267
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:07,993
Hold on. Someone's
at the door.
268
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,527
Actually, you know
what? Can I... can I
call you right back?
269
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:11,061
I just showed up
at my loser gay
friend's place.
270
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,686
I'll call you back.
271
00:12:12,687 --> 00:12:14,309
That's funny.
It's mainly junk.
272
00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:15,932
Umm, anyway, look.
I know it didn't go
all so, you know,
273
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:19,003
that well the last
time with, uh...
Richard, was it?
274
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:21,239
Rita! From ups.
She was a woman!
275
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,508
Whatever, you know.
She was still gay.
276
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,276
That's your problem.
You're so picky.
277
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,746
Anyway, you yourself
said she had k.B.
278
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,514
Killer... Boobs?
No, butt.
279
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,281
Ok, you know, the
whole initial thing?
It's got to stop.
280
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:34,152
And p.S.
I never said k.B.
I said k.G. B.
281
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,254
Killer garlic
breath.
Oh.
282
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,422
Whatever. Look.
283
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,291
The bottom line is,
284
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,159
I made a reservation
for you, for tom,
285
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,228
Friday night
at Nick's, 8:00.
Be there or be square.
286
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,863
Ok, you know,
I hate it when
people say that,
287
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,231
'cause even when I'm
there, I'm square,
288
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:47,699
so what is the incentive?
289
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,166
Well, he's a teacher.
Sounds like a great guy.
290
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,236
Maybe you'll get
lucky. You'll have
to stay after class.
291
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,370
All right? Detention?
292
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,239
You like that sort
of thing, don't you?
293
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,107
The discipline,
the gravity boots,
the whole thing.
294
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:56,841
You're welcome.
295
00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:59,010
Of course, you went?
296
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,112
Yep. I went.
297
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,519
[Sighs]
298
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,222
¶ She landed on my roof ¶
299
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,924
¶... from Venus ¶
300
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,425
¶ her ship ran out of gas ¶
301
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,095
¶ fast as light
and love came between us ¶
302
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,464
¶ fashion girl from outerspace ¶
303
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:23,034
¶ I'll never turn you on ¶
304
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,135
¶ future love ¶
305
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,235
¶ that's right, that's right,
that's right ¶
306
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,871
¶ making future love tonight ¶
307
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,207
¶ that's right, that's right,
that's right ¶
308
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,276
¶ making future love tonight ¶
309
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:33,144
¶ it's all right
if I love you ¶
310
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,546
¶ it's all right if I don't ¶
311
00:13:34,548 --> 00:13:36,581
¶ but I've been praying
that you're running away ¶
312
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:39,384
¶ 'cause I got the feeling,
honey, that you won't ¶
313
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,253
¶ supersonic safety love ¶
314
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,889
¶ I'll never turn you on ¶
315
00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:47,192
¶ that's right, that's right,
that's right ¶
316
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,260
¶ making future love tonight ¶
317
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,196
¶ that's right, that's right ¶
318
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,169
Eli: Believe me,
I didn't have high
hopes for this date.
319
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,138
Esther: Well, you didn't
have anything to lose.
320
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:03,341
I know.
Honestly, all
I kept thinking was,
321
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,143
"I hope he doesn't smoke."
322
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,245
¶ Sometimes I wish
I had a gun ¶
323
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,380
[coughing]
324
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:11,750
[Coughing]
Uh, I'm going to...
325
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,051
I'm going to go up
to the bar and get
another drink.
326
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,503
You want... you want
something?
327
00:14:14,504 --> 00:14:15,954
Yes, yes.
I'll have another
seltzer with lime.
328
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:16,788
Seltzer with lime.
329
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:17,621
Make it a white wine spritzer.
330
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,023
Spritzer. Got it.
331
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,960
On second thought,
can I get a, uh,
7 & 7?
332
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,928
Rocks with a twist.
333
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,530
Ok. Are you sure?
334
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,131
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I always get
a 7 & 7.
335
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,566
Oh, hi. Yeah. We're
going to have a...
336
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,335
Absolut Martini,
straight up,
two olives.
337
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,337
Make it a little dirty.
338
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:35,940
You?
339
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:37,976
Uh...
340
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,430
[Clicks his teeth]
341
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,099
[Sighs]
342
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,001
Do you like movies?
343
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,503
Yeah, I like movies.
344
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,555
Yeah, me too.
345
00:15:07,556 --> 00:15:09,606
I think it was
gay night on cable
last night, 'cause I...
346
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,976
In and out was on again.
347
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,701
Uh-huh.
348
00:15:14,702 --> 00:15:16,057
Nah, I just thought
it was great,
you know,
349
00:15:16,058 --> 00:15:17,413
to see a movie like that,
with two guys.
350
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,518
Not with two guys.
351
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:23,620
You know, with two
guys who... You know...
In the movie.
352
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,190
I hated it.
353
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:27,959
Oh. Yeah. No. Me too.
354
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:31,596
I just... Thought
it was light... Fun.
355
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,997
Fun?
356
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,633
Yeah.
357
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:38,268
Fun to see Kevin kline
get on his sorry-assed,
middle-aged knees
358
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,104
and give us a big ole
Hollywood blow job
359
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,007
by catering to every
cliched, homophobic,
360
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,310
stereotypical idea
of what it means
to be gay?
361
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:48,279
Without having
the decency
or the courtesy
362
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:52,083
or... or even just the
balls to drop a little
trou' and show us his.
363
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,986
Wait a minute.
Come on. I don't know.
364
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,387
I thought it was
nice to see a guy
365
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,323
coming out to his
family, his friends.
366
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,658
Not to mention
his fiance.
His fiance?
367
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,160
The loser bitch
has been waiting
her whole life
368
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,129
to marry this Nelly,
Barbara-loving,
self-hating,
369
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,333
geriatric English
teacher who can't
get it up for her.
370
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,301
And we're supposed
to feel sorry
for her?
371
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,004
Awww. No fucking
way. I mean,
you do the math.
372
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:16,140
Where the hell
is the waiter
with my drink?
373
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,110
You want anything?
374
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,348
I'm not even going
to mention birdcage.
375
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,355
Can I get
a diet coke?
Sure.
376
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:33,758
All right. What
was your favorite
movie of all time?
377
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,228
Let's just...
Let's just start
with that.
378
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,764
You know what?
I'm not a big fan
of the favorites game,
379
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,433
so why don't you go first?
380
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:46,337
Oh. Ok. Um...
381
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,173
Well, I know
it sounds corny
and cliche,
382
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:52,677
but I have to say
gone with the wind.
383
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,145
I never saw it.
384
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,747
Yeah, right.
385
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,348
I didn't. I... I never
saw gone with the wind.
386
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,350
You're kidding,
right?
No.
387
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,786
I'm not kidding.
Come on.
388
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,254
I... I never saw the movie.
389
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:04,721
You never saw
the movie?
No. I never...
390
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:08,493
ok, fine. Do you
want me to tell you
that I saw the movie?
391
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:10,094
I will.
I saw the movie.
392
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,462
It was the best movie
I've ever seen.
393
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:15,033
Especially,
especially that part
where red buttons
394
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,734
is up on the hill
with Charlotte.
395
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,803
Oh, my God.
You are scaring me!
396
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,471
What... what do you
want me to say?
397
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,808
I'm not a big fan
of black-and-white
movies.
398
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:28,780
[Laughing]
Relax, would you?
Relax.
399
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:34,052
I saw fame like 15 times.
Does that help?
400
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,290
Well, it's a start.
401
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,398
Wow, k.E.
402
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:48,633
What?
What?
403
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,402
What... what did you
just say?
404
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,520
Nothing.
405
00:17:52,521 --> 00:17:53,637
Yeah, you just said something.
406
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:54,589
No, n-no I didn't.
407
00:17:54,590 --> 00:17:55,539
Yeah, you did.
You said, "k. E."
408
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,642
What... what...
what is that?
409
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:03,848
It... it's nothing.
It's... it's nothing.
It... It's stupid.
410
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,684
It's initial talk.
Brett and I have been
doing it for years.
411
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,654
It is so stupid.
It means nothing.
Trust me.
412
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:10,721
Right, so I just took a hit.
413
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,190
No, no, no!
You didn't. Tom.
414
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,525
Believe me.
I swear to you.
415
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,461
Oh. Damn it.
416
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:24,669
It means...
Killer eyes, ok?
417
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,547
You know what?
I-I-I'm going to go.
418
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,649
It's late, and uh...
Yeah.
419
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,819
Yeah, let's... let's
you and I go.
420
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,288
On our way. Ways!
On our ways.
421
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,456
Separate.
You and me.
422
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,892
You know. Here,
let's split it.
423
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,360
No, I got it,
I got it, I got it.
424
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:50,827
No. Let's split it.
No, I want to do this.
425
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,630
Please. I don't
want to do that.
Just let me pay.
426
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,165
Let me just
split it.
Let me do this!
427
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:57,201
Let me just pay
for my own.
Just go!
428
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,503
Going.
429
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,507
He hated me. It's like
I activated his gag reflex.
430
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,609
That is the last
time I will let you
fix me up.
431
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,661
You got that?
Take it in.
432
00:19:06,662 --> 00:19:08,712
Next date I go on is
going to cost me $2.00
for the first minute
433
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:10,381
and $1.50 each
additional minute.
434
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,782
Did he say anything
about me and Jackie?
435
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,384
What? No,
it didn't come up.
436
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,586
Are you sure the guy
was even gay?
437
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,255
Are you kidding?
438
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,923
I don't know. You
know... With you...
439
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:21,392
How many straight
guys you know pretend
they're gay?
440
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,527
Besides you?
Hello!
441
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,962
You sure he didn't
say anything about me?
442
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,396
Hey, you want eggs?
I can easily add
an egg to this.
443
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,498
Can I have eggs?
Are there eggs?
Are there eggs?
444
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,500
You have to relax.
You're becoming
a crazy person.
445
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,336
You've been whipping
for 20 minutes.
446
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,171
Your mother told me
you were going
to be like this.
447
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,173
My mom called you again?
448
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:36,174
What did you tell her?
449
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,842
No, she's concerned about you.
450
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,044
You never... you never
talk to the woman.
451
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:42,245
You know?
She thinks you're
becoming a big loser.
452
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,931
Oh, that's...
That's nice.
453
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,448
That's great.
Thanks. Thanks
for that.
454
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,318
Easy for her to say.
455
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,998
I know what's out there.
456
00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:50,677
Guys with bad
fucking hair plugs,
457
00:19:50,678 --> 00:19:52,356
staples in their
dicks, beanie baby
collections,
458
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,824
or worse.
Worse?
459
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,043
Oh, there's worse.
460
00:19:56,044 --> 00:19:58,261
Oh, come on.
It'll be so much
better next time.
461
00:19:58,264 --> 00:20:00,898
There won't be a next time.
462
00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:03,533
Unless his name
is Ben, Jerry,
or Jose cuervo.
463
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,904
Uh-huh. Like you haven't
already had those guys.
464
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,873
And their brothers.
465
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,743
Haven't you ever
wondered what it's
like to be with
466
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:14,612
the same guy for more
than... Oh, I don't
know...5 minutes?
467
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:18,816
With the guys I meet,
5 minutes is all it takes.
468
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,585
Charming.
469
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,753
Ok, but more importantly,
470
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:26,290
mmm... What did Eli
say about me?
471
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:28,593
Is it going to
happen with Brett?
472
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,595
No idea.
Didn't mention it.
473
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:32,530
Oh.
474
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,765
Like I care.
475
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,534
But maybe
I should call
Brett, and just,
476
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:39,937
you know, find out
what Eli said
about your date.
477
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:41,906
Couldn't care less.
478
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:45,643
Right. Right.
We officially
don't care.
479
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,645
I get it... Yeah.
480
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:51,582
I definitely am
not going to call.
481
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,267
Where you going?
482
00:20:53,268 --> 00:20:54,951
Uh... Home. To
officially not call.
483
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,887
No, no, no, no.
You were supposed
to stay here
484
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,690
and watch lifetime
television for women
and gay men.
485
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:01,142
Uh... No.
486
00:21:01,143 --> 00:21:02,593
It's Joan van arc
in not withoutmy nose job.
487
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,696
Oh, angel.
I've already lived
that movie.
488
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:08,299
All that shit
people say about
finding "the one"?
489
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,600
I'm sick of it.
490
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,335
Tom certainly isn't.
491
00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:13,771
I don't ever think
I'm going to meet
the guy who is.
492
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,540
You know, your whole problem is
493
00:21:15,541 --> 00:21:17,308
there's no such thing
as "the one." Ok?
494
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:18,432
You're such a liar!
495
00:21:18,433 --> 00:21:19,555
Like two seconds
ago, you told me how
496
00:21:19,556 --> 00:21:20,678
you think this girl
Jackie is the one.
497
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,330
I met her one time.
498
00:21:22,331 --> 00:21:23,981
I said she could be
the one or one of the ones.
There's not just one "one."
499
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:25,516
You know, there's
fractions of one,
500
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:27,018
there's halves of one,
there's quarters of one.
501
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:29,787
You know, the idea
is about making yourself
open to someone,
502
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,890
you know, perhaps
tom becoming the one.
503
00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:36,578
Are you coming
to the flea market
with me tomorrow?
504
00:21:36,579 --> 00:21:38,763
No, sweetie, by
tomorrow, I'm hoping
to actually have plans
505
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:41,332
with a man who will
appreciate me
for my body, ok?
506
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:44,702
Not just my brains and
wit and sense of style.
507
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:46,304
So dad's in town?
508
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:47,571
You're disgusting.
509
00:21:47,573 --> 00:21:48,906
Why don't
you take a date
to the flea market?
510
00:21:48,908 --> 00:21:51,542
Oh!
Ok, that is why you
never go steady.
511
00:21:51,544 --> 00:21:55,546
I haven't gone steady
since the seventh grade.
You do the math.
512
00:21:55,548 --> 00:21:57,415
Besides, he kept saying,
"you do the math,"
513
00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:59,850
even when it made no
sense. What a turn-off.
514
00:21:59,852 --> 00:22:01,277
What's the turn-on?
515
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,703
According to your mother,
you haven't had a hard-on
516
00:22:02,704 --> 00:22:04,129
since she first
took you to see
the nutcracker
517
00:22:04,130 --> 00:22:05,555
at the Jewish community
center in first grade.
518
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:07,091
Stop talking
to my mother
about my sex life.
519
00:22:07,093 --> 00:22:08,826
What sex life?
I have one.
520
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,560
Uh-huh. Right.
Ok, you know,
it counts.
521
00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:12,330
I spent 10 years
learning which
buttons to push,
522
00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:14,332
now I just have
to look at myself
and I come.
523
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,700
Eww.
524
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:35,086
¶ Everybody's looking
for something ¶
525
00:22:35,088 --> 00:22:39,590
¶ step right up
and tell me what
it's all about ¶
526
00:22:39,592 --> 00:22:43,094
¶ well, don't you worry
'bout nothin' ¶
527
00:22:43,096 --> 00:22:47,598
¶ if you see what you like,
I'm sure we'll work it out ¶
528
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:51,669
¶ I come and see you
on Sundays ¶
529
00:22:51,671 --> 00:22:55,773
¶ east side, West Side,
uptown or down ¶
530
00:22:55,775 --> 00:23:00,411
¶ and all your problems
will disappear ¶
531
00:23:00,413 --> 00:23:04,048
¶ when you lay your money down ¶
532
00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,083
¶ vamos a alegresia ¶
533
00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:07,785
¶ let's make a deal, man ¶
534
00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:10,621
¶ vamos a alegresia ¶
535
00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:11,722
hey!
536
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:15,960
Hey! Hey, uh...
How are you doing?
537
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:17,728
Good. Good.
How are you?
538
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,731
Yeah. Good.
Good, good.
Good.
539
00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:23,601
You, um...
You look good.
540
00:23:23,603 --> 00:23:25,703
God... Thanks.
541
00:23:25,705 --> 00:23:27,972
No, no, no. Really.
542
00:23:27,974 --> 00:23:30,775
So, what,
you were lying
the first time?
543
00:23:30,777 --> 00:23:32,877
What? No!
No, no, no. I...
544
00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:34,645
you got that fresh,
Sunday morning,
545
00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:36,981
read the paper,
cup of coffee
kinda look.
546
00:23:36,983 --> 00:23:38,682
Yeah, and here
I thought I had
that stale,
547
00:23:38,684 --> 00:23:39,717
Sunday morning hangover,
548
00:23:39,719 --> 00:23:42,753
choke on my own
vomit thing going.
549
00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:44,822
[Both laugh]
550
00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:47,992
What are you, uh,
what are you here for?
551
00:23:47,994 --> 00:23:49,460
You looking for
anything in particular?
552
00:23:49,462 --> 00:23:51,495
Um, yeah, yeah, actually,
553
00:23:51,497 --> 00:23:53,497
I'm looking for
a vintage Martini set.
554
00:23:53,499 --> 00:23:57,802
You know, the shaker
and the glasses
and the whole thing.
555
00:23:57,804 --> 00:23:59,537
Huh.
556
00:23:59,539 --> 00:24:03,007
How about you?
You just...
You just browsing?
557
00:24:03,009 --> 00:24:04,975
Me? Are you kidding?
I go nuts.
558
00:24:04,977 --> 00:24:08,913
I have to look
for one thing
and just one thing.
559
00:24:08,915 --> 00:24:10,481
And that would be what?
560
00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:14,452
Hmm? A bathroom,
actually.
561
00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:15,519
Shit. They probably
don't have
562
00:24:15,521 --> 00:24:17,021
bathrooms at a place
like this, right?
563
00:24:17,022 --> 00:24:18,522
Probably just
porta-potties.
God, I hate those.
564
00:24:18,524 --> 00:24:19,990
You know, my parents
had to rent like
4 of them
565
00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:21,992
for my sister's bat mitzvah.
566
00:24:21,994 --> 00:24:24,962
Come on. You didn't
come here looking
for a bathroom.
567
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,797
I didn't?
568
00:24:31,037 --> 00:24:34,939
Ok, I'm looking for
an original Cornelius
action figure,
569
00:24:34,941 --> 00:24:37,508
you know, from
planet of the apes?
570
00:24:37,510 --> 00:24:38,642
[Laughing]
571
00:24:38,644 --> 00:24:41,145
What, you're yanking
my chain, right?
572
00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,213
Yeah, actually, no, I'm not,
573
00:24:42,215 --> 00:24:43,781
and I really hate
that expression,
574
00:24:43,783 --> 00:24:45,016
but you know, it was
good seeing you.
575
00:24:45,017 --> 00:24:46,250
I'll see you around.
No, no! No, don't.
576
00:24:46,252 --> 00:24:48,219
Come on, come on.
Grow a sense
of humor, will ya?
577
00:24:48,221 --> 00:24:50,721
I'm not... you're funny!
I'm not laughing at...
578
00:24:50,723 --> 00:24:53,891
no, not funny bad.
You're funny good.
579
00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:55,726
Funny good. Look.
580
00:24:55,728 --> 00:24:57,561
Why don't we go grab
a cup of coffee,
581
00:24:57,563 --> 00:24:59,830
and then I'll
help you go look
for your dollie.
582
00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:01,657
Action figure!
583
00:25:01,658 --> 00:25:03,483
So, is it just the apes
or do you have
Betsy wetsy, too?
584
00:25:03,484 --> 00:25:05,309
Because Jackie didn't
tell me that you were
a doll collector.
585
00:25:05,310 --> 00:25:07,135
Interesting. You know,
Brett didn't tell me
you were an asshole.
586
00:25:07,139 --> 00:25:08,839
[Laughs]
587
00:25:09,609 --> 00:25:12,943
Speaking of which,
what's up with those two?
588
00:25:16,282 --> 00:25:18,883
[Knocks]
589
00:25:23,823 --> 00:25:25,756
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
590
00:25:25,758 --> 00:25:26,891
Uh, so...
591
00:25:26,893 --> 00:25:28,859
I, um, I thought
you should know,
592
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:31,228
they, uh, they hated
each other.
593
00:25:31,631 --> 00:25:36,267
Oh. Oh, right,
uh, more than life
itself, yeah.
594
00:25:38,137 --> 00:25:41,906
No, no... No fucking
chemistry.
595
00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:52,983
I had the biggest
planet of the apes
collection
596
00:25:52,985 --> 00:25:54,568
until, like, the sixth grade,
597
00:25:54,569 --> 00:25:56,152
when my parents
made me sell it
at a garage sale.
598
00:25:56,155 --> 00:25:58,255
They were afraid
it was going
to adversely affect
599
00:25:58,257 --> 00:26:00,591
my psychosexual development.
600
00:26:00,593 --> 00:26:01,759
[Laughs]
601
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:02,926
They're both shrinks.
602
00:26:02,929 --> 00:26:04,094
Well, did it?
What?
603
00:26:04,096 --> 00:26:06,764
Affect your
psycho... Whatever?
604
00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:08,399
Well, I'm gay, aren't I?
605
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,033
Oh. So the apes
made you gay.
I don't know.
606
00:26:10,036 --> 00:26:12,553
What is that?
The ape theory?
607
00:26:12,554 --> 00:26:15,071
Well, you've got
a half-naked charlton
heston in a cage...
608
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,173
Where he belongs.
Yeah, right.
609
00:26:16,175 --> 00:26:18,075
Plus my huge crush
on roddy mcdowell
610
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,877
and those cute, little
leather outfits.
611
00:26:19,879 --> 00:26:23,080
That, my friend,
is a gay, pre-teen
happy meal.
612
00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:24,498
[Laughs]
613
00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:25,915
Do you have any Martini sets?
614
00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:27,226
No, afraid not.
615
00:26:27,227 --> 00:26:28,535
You know,
I've got to admit,
I don't even know
616
00:26:28,536 --> 00:26:29,844
what a Martini set looks like.
617
00:26:29,845 --> 00:26:31,153
I... I wouldn't know
a Martini if it
bit me in the ass.
618
00:26:31,157 --> 00:26:33,223
No, it shouldn't
if you know how
to make them.
619
00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:35,259
Uh, I take it you do.
620
00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:36,661
In my house, you had to.
621
00:26:36,662 --> 00:26:38,062
I couldn't tie
my shoes till
I was 10,
622
00:26:38,064 --> 00:26:40,448
but I can make a Martini.
623
00:26:40,449 --> 00:26:42,833
I was like Isaac
on our sinking
little love boat.
624
00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:45,102
[Parents laughing]
625
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:48,606
Mom: Thank you,
sweetheart.
626
00:26:48,608 --> 00:26:51,709
This is perfect.
627
00:26:51,710 --> 00:26:54,811
So, Tommy. Have you
met any nice girls
at school this year?
628
00:26:54,814 --> 00:26:56,981
Yeah. They're nice.
629
00:26:56,983 --> 00:26:59,917
Hey. You give any
thought to what we
talked about?
630
00:26:59,919 --> 00:27:01,218
None of the other
fifth graders know
631
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:02,920
what they're going
to do after high school.
632
00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:05,723
And what do I care
about a bunch of
pansy fifth graders
633
00:27:05,725 --> 00:27:07,891
with silver spoons
in their mouths?
634
00:27:07,893 --> 00:27:10,628
I sort of like
the idea of teaching.
635
00:27:10,630 --> 00:27:13,097
Teaching sounds good.
636
00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:16,734
That's terrific, honey.
637
00:27:16,736 --> 00:27:18,736
[Woman laughs]
638
00:27:18,737 --> 00:27:20,737
I can't remember
them without a drink
in their hand.
639
00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:24,708
You know, when my father
used to pitch baseballs
to me in the backyard...
640
00:27:24,710 --> 00:27:26,977
Uh-huh?
He never spilt
a drop.
641
00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:29,013
Oh, my God.
I can't even
imagine.
642
00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:30,147
Your parents didn't drink?
643
00:27:30,149 --> 00:27:32,950
No, we never
played games
in the backyard.
644
00:27:32,952 --> 00:27:34,435
Never?
645
00:27:34,436 --> 00:27:35,919
First of
all, we didn't
have a backyard.
646
00:27:35,921 --> 00:27:37,988
And second of all,
647
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:40,056
the closest
we ever came to
a game was...
648
00:27:40,059 --> 00:27:41,759
The feel wheel.
649
00:27:42,328 --> 00:27:44,428
Rage is at the top.
650
00:27:44,430 --> 00:27:46,930
Then we move down
to frustration,
651
00:27:46,932 --> 00:27:49,700
confusion, loneliness.
652
00:27:49,702 --> 00:27:54,438
On the other side,
we have loving,
affectionate,
653
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:55,239
silly!
654
00:27:55,241 --> 00:27:57,708
Ok?
Eli, you go first.
655
00:27:57,710 --> 00:28:00,911
Dad: Take your
name and put it
on the emotion
656
00:28:00,913 --> 00:28:02,463
you're feeling right now.
657
00:28:02,464 --> 00:28:04,014
That's right, Eli.
Don't think.
Look inside.
658
00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,916
What are you feeling?
Right now. Go.
659
00:28:05,918 --> 00:28:09,086
Don't think. Go. Go!
660
00:28:09,088 --> 00:28:10,054
Go!
661
00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:12,056
Eli: Do I have to,
Dr. wyckoff?
662
00:28:12,058 --> 00:28:15,159
Can you do it for mommy?
663
00:28:23,002 --> 00:28:25,069
Tom: You'd just
be walking along
and then you'd think...
664
00:28:25,071 --> 00:28:28,005
"Gee, I feel happy,"
and then you'd put your
little flag on the wheel?
665
00:28:28,007 --> 00:28:33,010
No, no. It's just...
Something my parents
wanted us to do,
666
00:28:33,012 --> 00:28:35,179
so that... They would
feel more enlightened.
667
00:28:35,181 --> 00:28:37,214
[Laughs]
668
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:39,248
Like getting us to say
penis and vagina
at the dinner table.
669
00:28:39,251 --> 00:28:41,085
You know, so
that we would
feel comfortable
670
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:43,287
talking about sex,
671
00:28:43,288 --> 00:28:45,488
which is probably why
now I prefer pee-pee
and hoo-hoo.
672
00:28:45,491 --> 00:28:48,325
More pee-pee than
hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.
673
00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:50,194
Does it show?
674
00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:54,264
I don't think that
game would have been
a hit in my house,
675
00:28:54,266 --> 00:28:57,468
unless there was
a section on the wheel
for thirsty.
676
00:28:57,470 --> 00:29:00,437
Well, there was
a section on the
wheel for scared.
677
00:29:00,439 --> 00:29:05,109
But... You'd have
had to share
that one with me.
678
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,128
Brett: Hey, no chance
on the Eli and tom
thing. That's...
679
00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:25,395
Oh! What a pain.
680
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:26,914
The gays are so picky.
681
00:29:26,915 --> 00:29:28,432
No, no, no, no.
It's Eli.
I'm telling you.
682
00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:31,034
He's got the worst
d.K. On the planet.
683
00:29:31,036 --> 00:29:32,035
Donna karan?
684
00:29:32,037 --> 00:29:35,038
[Laughing]
No. Dating kharma.
Oh!
685
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,557
Yeah. No, it sucks.
686
00:29:36,558 --> 00:29:38,075
He told me that "a"...
he thinks he, like,
687
00:29:38,077 --> 00:29:39,243
insulted tom a hundred times,
688
00:29:39,245 --> 00:29:42,045
and "b"... that he's...
You know, straight.
689
00:29:42,047 --> 00:29:44,031
[Laughs] Yeah.
690
00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:46,016
Ok, so now, tom
is just a freak.
691
00:29:46,018 --> 00:29:47,251
You know, he officially hates
692
00:29:47,253 --> 00:29:48,385
any guy that he likes.
693
00:29:48,387 --> 00:29:50,954
Or worse, who likes him.
694
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,057
What, dude?
695
00:29:53,058 --> 00:29:55,159
Yeah, well, welcome
to the wonderful
world of self-hate.
696
00:29:55,161 --> 00:29:57,461
And he's not even Jewish.
697
00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:00,497
What on God's earth is this?
698
00:30:00,499 --> 00:30:02,065
I mean, honestly,
that's the ugliest thing
699
00:30:02,067 --> 00:30:05,102
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
[Laughs]
700
00:30:22,188 --> 00:30:24,121
[Crash]
701
00:30:25,424 --> 00:30:26,557
Morning.
702
00:30:26,559 --> 00:30:28,959
Morning.
703
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,360
What's, uh, what's the hurry?
704
00:30:31,363 --> 00:30:32,396
Oh, you know what?
705
00:30:32,398 --> 00:30:34,531
Today is decoupage day
at school,
706
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,233
and I'm late, so...
707
00:30:36,235 --> 00:30:38,035
Oh, ok.
708
00:30:38,037 --> 00:30:40,871
Um, listen, I just...
709
00:30:40,873 --> 00:30:43,073
I want to apologize
for yesterday
710
00:30:43,075 --> 00:30:44,074
and last night.
711
00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:47,311
It just shouldn't
have happened.
712
00:30:47,313 --> 00:30:49,180
Oh.
713
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:51,048
I mean, I feel
like we got off to
a really good start,
714
00:30:51,050 --> 00:30:53,150
but then I feel like
I kind of fucked things up,
715
00:30:53,152 --> 00:30:56,153
so I promise it won't
ever happen again.
716
00:30:56,155 --> 00:30:58,856
Good. Yeah. I...
717
00:30:58,858 --> 00:31:00,858
we shouldn't have...
718
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:03,360
Anyway, it was both
of our faults, so...
719
00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:05,713
No. No. I... well, yeah.
720
00:31:05,714 --> 00:31:08,065
So, you know,
let's just pretend
it never happened.
721
00:31:08,067 --> 00:31:09,466
Perfect.
722
00:31:09,468 --> 00:31:13,070
Great. All right.
I'll see you later.
723
00:31:26,285 --> 00:31:27,217
Tom: Hey.
724
00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:29,219
How you doing?
725
00:31:39,131 --> 00:31:42,499
[Computer connects to internet]
726
00:32:06,025 --> 00:32:09,359
I don't know.
We had a great time.
I don't get it.
727
00:32:09,361 --> 00:32:11,378
[Chuckles]
728
00:32:11,379 --> 00:32:13,396
Looked to me
like you did get it...
something called laid.
729
00:32:13,399 --> 00:32:15,999
You know, fyi,
gay guys don't
necessarily
730
00:32:16,001 --> 00:32:18,035
play the same bases
as straight guys do.
731
00:32:18,037 --> 00:32:19,970
It's still fucking, dude.
732
00:32:19,972 --> 00:32:22,473
Hello, gentlemen.
733
00:32:22,474 --> 00:32:24,975
You don't mind if
the brother hangs out,
do you? I had him fixed.
734
00:32:24,977 --> 00:32:26,009
Do I have a choice?
735
00:32:26,011 --> 00:32:27,744
I don't get
the double standard.
736
00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:29,478
You know, guys can
do all kinds of
things with women,
737
00:32:29,481 --> 00:32:32,449
and they won't
call it sex unless
they actually fuck.
738
00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:34,307
You know, like sex
with interns.
739
00:32:34,308 --> 00:32:36,164
Listen, I'm not judging you.
You know, it's just sex, man.
740
00:32:36,165 --> 00:32:38,021
I'm not being defensive.
I'm trying to explain
to you that a guy
741
00:32:38,023 --> 00:32:40,224
can get together
with another guy
742
00:32:40,225 --> 00:32:42,426
and do all kinds
of things without
necessarily, you know.
743
00:32:42,428 --> 00:32:44,211
Right. Good.
That's enough.
744
00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:45,995
It's a big step.
I know couples
who have never
745
00:32:45,998 --> 00:32:48,332
and probably will
never actually...
746
00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:50,384
n.T.... New topic.
747
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:52,435
What? What is with you?
You were never this
squeamish in college.
748
00:32:52,438 --> 00:32:54,304
That's because
you were dating women.
749
00:32:54,306 --> 00:32:56,039
Yeah, well, it's the same thing
750
00:32:56,041 --> 00:32:57,541
if you don't count the vaginas.
751
00:32:57,543 --> 00:32:59,643
Oof. I count them:
4... so far.
752
00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:01,645
Ok, you know what, Mitch?
753
00:33:01,646 --> 00:33:03,646
Doesn't count
if they have
inflate nozzles.
754
00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:05,282
Hey, look man,
it's not like, you know,
755
00:33:05,284 --> 00:33:07,417
you picked him up at
ye olde cock and balls
756
00:33:07,419 --> 00:33:08,719
and got out the butter spray
757
00:33:08,721 --> 00:33:10,587
and the choke collar
and the whole thing.
758
00:33:10,589 --> 00:33:13,223
I mean, you spent
an afternoon together, right?
759
00:33:13,225 --> 00:33:15,459
I mean, obviously he likes you.
760
00:33:15,461 --> 00:33:17,194
Right.
761
00:33:18,230 --> 00:33:19,496
Fuck, these are new.
762
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,298
What's the matter?
Are you cranky?
763
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:23,233
You know, I don't want
to do this anymore.
764
00:33:23,235 --> 00:33:24,401
That's fine.
That's great.
765
00:33:24,403 --> 00:33:25,635
Ok. Well, you did
a terrific job.
766
00:33:25,637 --> 00:33:28,038
Hey, listen, what are you
doing on Friday night?
767
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:29,506
Are you going to
go out with the guy?
768
00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:31,641
I don't know.
Why, did Jackie
say something?
769
00:33:31,643 --> 00:33:34,244
I don't know, but if
you're coming Friday night,
770
00:33:34,246 --> 00:33:35,863
she can tell you herself.
771
00:33:35,864 --> 00:33:37,481
Yeah. No,
I'm not doing that.
That's so seventh grade.
772
00:33:37,483 --> 00:33:39,649
Well, you'll
catch up. Huh?
773
00:33:39,651 --> 00:33:40,684
Did she invite tom?
774
00:33:40,686 --> 00:33:42,586
No. It's just us.
It will be fine.
775
00:33:42,588 --> 00:33:44,588
7:00 Friday night.
All right?
776
00:33:44,590 --> 00:33:46,590
All right.
Take this.
777
00:33:46,591 --> 00:33:48,591
Have a valerian
or something.
Take a nap.
778
00:33:48,594 --> 00:33:50,177
He's too intense.
779
00:33:50,178 --> 00:33:51,761
You know, I like him
as a friend, but...
780
00:33:51,764 --> 00:33:53,113
Bullshit.
781
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:54,463
That is just fear of intimacy,
782
00:33:54,466 --> 00:33:56,767
which by the way is so 1991.
783
00:33:56,769 --> 00:33:59,503
Pause. Marie?
784
00:33:59,505 --> 00:34:00,570
Yeah.
785
00:34:00,572 --> 00:34:03,607
Put the headphones on.
786
00:34:03,609 --> 00:34:05,575
The headphones...
there you go.
787
00:34:05,577 --> 00:34:06,643
Um, nice, Marie,
788
00:34:06,645 --> 00:34:08,378
but I need more smile
789
00:34:08,380 --> 00:34:10,313
and less sell, ok?
790
00:34:10,315 --> 00:34:11,548
Uh, have fun.
791
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,251
Ok. Great. Fun.
All right.
792
00:34:14,253 --> 00:34:16,203
Good. Topnotch.
Thanks.
793
00:34:16,204 --> 00:34:18,154
Jackie: The way you
did in the audition,
remember?
794
00:34:18,157 --> 00:34:19,656
The reason we hired you.
795
00:34:19,658 --> 00:34:21,758
Right.
Absolutely. Yes.
796
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,127
Good note.
Really good note.
797
00:34:24,129 --> 00:34:25,729
Great.
798
00:34:26,565 --> 00:34:28,465
"New vita-power
energy bars
799
00:34:28,467 --> 00:34:31,334
with tasty, chewy
goodness in every bite."
800
00:34:31,336 --> 00:34:32,536
I'm just glad you met a guy
801
00:34:32,538 --> 00:34:33,837
with half a brain in his head.
802
00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:35,539
Oh, wait, let me find
the love in that...
803
00:34:35,541 --> 00:34:37,474
Oh, right, there is none.
804
00:34:37,476 --> 00:34:39,409
Hey, I'm not the one who
fell in love with a guy
805
00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:41,678
who could only get a job
selling sperm samples
806
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:44,314
and doing experimental
drug research.
807
00:34:44,316 --> 00:34:45,549
Wasn't he allergic?
808
00:34:45,551 --> 00:34:48,218
Yes, but he was cute,
and you know it.
809
00:34:48,220 --> 00:34:50,871
Yeah, when the hives
cleared up.
810
00:34:50,872 --> 00:34:53,523
"During and after your
living and giving life."
811
00:34:53,525 --> 00:34:55,525
Pause. Sweetie?
812
00:34:55,527 --> 00:34:56,526
Uh, yeah.
813
00:34:56,528 --> 00:34:57,727
What are you doing?
814
00:34:57,729 --> 00:35:00,330
You're not Kathleen Turner, ok?
815
00:35:00,332 --> 00:35:03,233
No, I'm not.
I'm not Kathleen Turner.
816
00:35:03,235 --> 00:35:04,768
That's right.
Yeah, I'm me.
817
00:35:04,770 --> 00:35:08,205
Is that what you're
saying? I should be me.
818
00:35:08,207 --> 00:35:10,273
No. What I'm saying
is that this isn't
819
00:35:10,275 --> 00:35:11,508
blue cross, blue shield.
820
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:13,543
It's an energy snack,
so why don't we have
821
00:35:13,545 --> 00:35:15,445
some... I don't know...
energy?
822
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,215
Energy... yes, of course!
Ok, you're right.
823
00:35:18,217 --> 00:35:20,550
All right, because
it's vita-power,
824
00:35:20,552 --> 00:35:21,585
and "vita" means life.
825
00:35:21,587 --> 00:35:23,687
Ok, now, correct me
if I'm wrong:
826
00:35:23,689 --> 00:35:26,623
My intention
should be to have...
827
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:30,460
no, to give more life...
828
00:35:30,462 --> 00:35:31,828
Except as a bar.
829
00:35:31,830 --> 00:35:33,730
But, Jackie, my concern is that
830
00:35:33,732 --> 00:35:35,532
I'm going to be over the top.
831
00:35:35,534 --> 00:35:39,636
No. Honey, you're
so under the top
right now
832
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:41,771
it's like you're
selling me a douche.
833
00:35:41,773 --> 00:35:43,306
Ok? I'm getting you
834
00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:45,475
on the beach in
a floral-print dress
835
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:47,344
talking about
feminine freshness.
836
00:35:47,346 --> 00:35:49,212
Is that the read
you're going for?
837
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:50,247
No, that's not.
838
00:35:50,249 --> 00:35:51,882
Those were good word pictures.
839
00:35:51,884 --> 00:35:55,252
Ok, just translate them
for what I need.
840
00:35:55,254 --> 00:35:57,287
Ok, good.
Yeah, I can do this.
841
00:35:57,289 --> 00:35:58,655
I'm just going to keep going.
842
00:35:58,657 --> 00:36:02,425
You are so mean.
You're not even
listening to her.
843
00:36:02,427 --> 00:36:05,495
Yes, I am.
She thinks she's
doing books on tape.
844
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:06,596
I think she's good.
845
00:36:06,598 --> 00:36:08,181
Well, don't change the subject.
846
00:36:08,182 --> 00:36:09,765
Brett and I
are cooking dinner
on Friday night.
847
00:36:09,768 --> 00:36:11,268
Ha! What are you having?
848
00:36:11,270 --> 00:36:12,903
Shut up. You're coming.
849
00:36:12,905 --> 00:36:14,638
Is he invited?
850
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,673
No. Just you.
851
00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,776
Pause.
852
00:36:19,778 --> 00:36:20,944
That's it. Go home.
853
00:36:20,946 --> 00:36:23,947
You want me to go?
I should go home?
854
00:36:23,949 --> 00:36:25,715
No, you're incredible.
855
00:36:25,717 --> 00:36:27,184
I mean, that voice...
856
00:36:27,186 --> 00:36:28,385
don't even kid yourself.
857
00:36:28,387 --> 00:36:30,654
You're going to have
a huge career.
858
00:36:30,656 --> 00:36:32,489
Oh! Ok. I thought...
859
00:36:32,491 --> 00:36:35,725
thank you.
Well, thanks to you.
860
00:36:50,275 --> 00:36:52,576
Jackie's a piece of work.
861
00:36:52,578 --> 00:36:53,643
[Sighs]
862
00:36:53,645 --> 00:36:56,846
Brett's a lying sack of shit.
863
00:36:58,283 --> 00:36:59,833
You look good.
864
00:36:59,834 --> 00:37:01,384
Eli: I have
no idea who this is.
I'm going to kill you.
865
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:03,954
If this is a sports figure,
I'm going to kill you.
866
00:37:03,956 --> 00:37:05,355
Jaleel white!
867
00:37:05,357 --> 00:37:07,024
Elie wiesel!
868
00:37:07,025 --> 00:37:08,692
You're actually
not my partner.
Ok, come on. Go.
869
00:37:08,693 --> 00:37:10,360
What is it about
this look that makes
you think I know?
870
00:37:10,362 --> 00:37:12,329
Come on. All right,
pass. Pass. Pass.
871
00:37:12,331 --> 00:37:14,314
Ok, this one.
Oh, fuck, open.
872
00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,298
Ok, the ex-football player
who allegedly
killed his wife.
873
00:37:16,301 --> 00:37:19,369
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
"Allegedly"...
what are you, nuts?
874
00:37:19,371 --> 00:37:20,737
Just say it!
875
00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:21,905
O.J. Simpson.
876
00:37:21,907 --> 00:37:23,390
Yes!
877
00:37:23,391 --> 00:37:24,874
That's like saying
Jackie allegedly
got a nose job.
878
00:37:24,876 --> 00:37:25,942
Jackie: Shut up.
879
00:37:25,944 --> 00:37:28,478
Eli: Both of you
shut up. Ok?
880
00:37:28,479 --> 00:37:31,013
All right, this one...
the first name
rhymes with this...
881
00:37:32,517 --> 00:37:34,718
Ok, could you never,
ever do that again?
882
00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:35,885
Just say it.
883
00:37:35,887 --> 00:37:37,621
Time! Time,
time. Time.
884
00:37:37,623 --> 00:37:39,456
Brett, is it maybe time?
885
00:37:39,458 --> 00:37:40,690
What the fuck was that?
886
00:37:40,692 --> 00:37:42,559
Jackie: I bet you
it was one of Brett's.
887
00:37:42,561 --> 00:37:44,645
They're so hard
because he's so smart.
888
00:37:44,646 --> 00:37:46,730
Apparently not smart
enough to know that
you had a nose job.
889
00:37:46,732 --> 00:37:48,765
What, I told you about that.
890
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,267
No, you didn't.
891
00:37:50,269 --> 00:37:51,585
So what's the diff?
892
00:37:51,586 --> 00:37:52,902
Tom: Come on, Brett,
like you couldn't tell...
893
00:37:52,904 --> 00:37:54,871
every Jewish teen-age
girl with money
894
00:37:54,873 --> 00:37:56,456
winds up with that nose.
895
00:37:56,457 --> 00:37:58,040
Don't you think
it's, like, a little
bit weird, though,
896
00:37:58,043 --> 00:38:01,711
that everyone on the planet
knows but your boyfriend?
897
00:38:02,681 --> 00:38:03,980
Seriously, Eli, who was that?
898
00:38:03,982 --> 00:38:06,383
Ok, well, I was
doing the hula,
so...
899
00:38:06,385 --> 00:38:08,718
I mean, it's a little
strange. Right?
900
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:11,855
Ok. They used to
call me the jackal.
901
00:38:11,857 --> 00:38:14,324
All right?
So I got a nose job.
902
00:38:14,326 --> 00:38:16,093
Are you happy now?
903
00:38:16,094 --> 00:38:17,861
Tom: All right. I give up.
What rhymes with hula?
904
00:38:17,863 --> 00:38:20,297
Wow. The jackal.
That's brutal.
905
00:38:20,299 --> 00:38:21,464
You're being a jerk.
906
00:38:21,466 --> 00:38:23,433
Yeah, but I'm being
an honest jerk,
907
00:38:23,435 --> 00:38:25,602
so that counts
for something, I think.
908
00:38:25,604 --> 00:38:26,870
Oh, wait. Shh.
You hear that?
909
00:38:26,872 --> 00:38:30,407
That's the sound of you
not getting laid tonight.
910
00:38:30,409 --> 00:38:31,992
Ha ha ha ha...
911
00:38:31,993 --> 00:38:33,576
Oh, that's wonderful.
Did you guys hear that?
912
00:38:33,578 --> 00:38:36,379
That was the sound of
Jackie being a bitch.
913
00:38:36,381 --> 00:38:37,681
Did you guys hear that?
914
00:38:37,683 --> 00:38:39,015
Yeah, I did hear that...
915
00:38:39,017 --> 00:38:40,734
Well, what do you want from me?
916
00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:42,452
I don't know. How about
a little honesty.
You know...
917
00:38:42,454 --> 00:38:43,920
Oh, come on.
You know what,
the self-pity bus
918
00:38:43,922 --> 00:38:46,990
stops right in front
of my building, pal.
Don't miss it.
919
00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:50,059
Well, maybe I'll get on
the self-pity bus, you know?
Maybe I'll get a transfer.
920
00:38:50,062 --> 00:38:52,395
Ok, you know what?
Can we get out of here
921
00:38:52,397 --> 00:38:54,931
before they start
looking like my parents?
922
00:38:54,933 --> 00:38:55,899
Fine with me.
923
00:38:55,901 --> 00:38:57,668
All right.
Your place?
924
00:38:57,669 --> 00:38:59,436
Uh, yeah, ok.
We can take one c...
925
00:38:59,438 --> 00:39:02,072
oh, hey, hey. Was that
tallulah bankhead?
926
00:39:02,074 --> 00:39:05,442
No, no.
Rula lenska.
927
00:39:05,444 --> 00:39:07,977
Rula lenska.
928
00:39:08,814 --> 00:39:10,847
Who the fuck is rula lenska?
929
00:39:10,849 --> 00:39:13,750
Jackie: Oh,
I'm so sorry...
930
00:39:13,752 --> 00:39:16,119
Oh, you're tickling me.
931
00:39:16,121 --> 00:39:17,787
Guess they made up.
932
00:39:17,789 --> 00:39:20,990
Hope she paid for scotchgard.
933
00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:23,860
Mmm. Oh,
don't do that.
934
00:39:23,862 --> 00:39:26,629
Ooh, not right now.
935
00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:30,967
Eli: Like when people
say "ex cetera"
936
00:39:30,969 --> 00:39:32,936
instead of "et cetera"...
937
00:39:32,937 --> 00:39:34,904
what is that,
"ex cetera"? Crazy.
938
00:39:34,906 --> 00:39:35,972
Oh, my favorite is
939
00:39:35,974 --> 00:39:37,907
"for all intensive
purposes."
940
00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:39,976
That's like nuts.
It's like, you know what,
941
00:39:39,978 --> 00:39:41,411
where'd you go to school?
942
00:39:41,413 --> 00:39:42,879
Are you sure you don't
want a sandwich?
943
00:39:42,881 --> 00:39:45,014
I mean, I don't know how
you could eat that food.
944
00:39:45,016 --> 00:39:47,083
No offense, but Jackie
can't cook for shit.
945
00:39:47,085 --> 00:39:49,319
No wonder Brett's
losing weight.
946
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,554
Hey, hey, hey...
Hollywood news.
Where's your section?
947
00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:53,390
Oh, no.
You don't have to.
948
00:39:53,392 --> 00:39:54,658
Oh, come on, please.
949
00:39:54,659 --> 00:39:55,925
I's embarrassing.
God, I mean it's...
950
00:39:55,927 --> 00:39:58,495
here, that's it
right there.
But don't...
951
00:39:58,497 --> 00:39:59,963
look at that:
"Police blotter.
952
00:39:59,965 --> 00:40:01,164
Edited by Eli wyckoff."
953
00:40:01,166 --> 00:40:02,932
Yeah. I don't
want you to...
954
00:40:02,934 --> 00:40:04,968
"Juan a. Mass, 35,
955
00:40:04,969 --> 00:40:07,003
"arrested early
Sunday for d.U.I.
956
00:40:07,005 --> 00:40:09,072
"Blood alcohol level
was 2.1
957
00:40:09,074 --> 00:40:12,942
when suspect
was apprehinded
by l.A.P.D."
958
00:40:12,944 --> 00:40:14,010
What?
959
00:40:14,012 --> 00:40:15,145
It says
"apprehinded."
960
00:40:15,147 --> 00:40:17,080
No, it doesn't.
It's "apprehended."
961
00:40:17,082 --> 00:40:18,948
It says
"apprehinded."
962
00:40:18,950 --> 00:40:20,049
Oh, my God. Shit!
963
00:40:20,051 --> 00:40:22,585
To apprehind.
That's when, what,
964
00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:24,053
they grab the guy on the ass?
965
00:40:24,055 --> 00:40:26,990
Goddamn. I proofread this
like a million times.
966
00:40:26,992 --> 00:40:28,558
Oh, God.
967
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,559
Relax.
968
00:40:29,561 --> 00:40:30,594
Fuck!
969
00:40:30,595 --> 00:40:31,628
Do you know what you need?
970
00:40:31,630 --> 00:40:32,996
Yeah. A new job,
apparently.
971
00:40:32,998 --> 00:40:34,798
No, no, no, no.
You need a drink.
972
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,199
A drink.
A real drink.
973
00:40:36,201 --> 00:40:37,867
Do you have any vodka?
974
00:40:37,869 --> 00:40:40,036
Um, I don't know.
Is this vodka?
975
00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:42,038
I've had it since like 1947.
976
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,007
All right, do you
have Martini glasses?
977
00:40:44,009 --> 00:40:45,475
Those are my Martini glasses.
978
00:40:45,477 --> 00:40:47,644
And my juice glasses.
And my water glasses.
979
00:40:47,646 --> 00:40:49,612
All right, never mind.
They'll do.
980
00:40:49,614 --> 00:40:50,947
I am going to introduce you
981
00:40:50,949 --> 00:40:54,050
to the wonderful world
of Martinis.
982
00:41:19,110 --> 00:41:20,076
[Telephone rings]
983
00:41:20,078 --> 00:41:21,945
No, no, no.
Screen, screen.
984
00:41:21,947 --> 00:41:23,046
No, no. Let me get it.
985
00:41:23,048 --> 00:41:24,481
Come on. Let
the machine get it.
986
00:41:24,483 --> 00:41:24,948
You know what, I bet
you can't do it.
987
00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:26,616
I can do it.
988
00:41:26,618 --> 00:41:27,817
I dare you.
989
00:41:27,819 --> 00:41:31,020
[Ring ring]
990
00:41:31,022 --> 00:41:32,422
All right.
991
00:41:32,423 --> 00:41:33,823
Machine:
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
992
00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:35,859
I got to get that piece-
of-shit machine fixed.
993
00:41:35,861 --> 00:41:37,026
Woman: Eli,
this is Dr. wyckoff.
994
00:41:37,028 --> 00:41:38,495
There's something wrong
with your machine.
995
00:41:38,497 --> 00:41:39,062
Who's that, your shrink?
996
00:41:39,064 --> 00:41:40,096
No, it's my mom.
997
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:41,131
You refer
to her as...
998
00:41:41,132 --> 00:41:42,165
it took her 12 years
to get her ph.D.
999
00:41:42,167 --> 00:41:43,566
She likes to hear herself
say it, ok?
1000
00:41:43,568 --> 00:41:45,368
Now move. No, come on.
I'm serious.
1001
00:41:45,369 --> 00:41:47,169
Eli, I was just reading
the new england journalof medicine.
1002
00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:49,038
And there's
a pull-out section
on the new t.S.E....
1003
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:54,677
testicular self-exam
and how to make it
part of your lifestyle.
1004
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:56,034
My God.
1005
00:41:56,035 --> 00:41:57,390
Do you want to try it?
1006
00:41:57,391 --> 00:41:58,746
No. Come on. God damn it.
I can't bel...
1007
00:41:58,750 --> 00:42:00,750
I faxed the diagram
over to your office.
1008
00:42:00,752 --> 00:42:02,118
I put your name all over it.
1009
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:04,087
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
1010
00:42:04,089 --> 00:42:05,588
Yeah. Don't listen.
1011
00:42:05,590 --> 00:42:07,056
The hues just hit you
right in the face.
1012
00:42:07,058 --> 00:42:10,527
You may want to
give yourself an exam
while I read aloud.
1013
00:42:10,529 --> 00:42:12,161
I think we should do
this exam together.
1014
00:42:12,163 --> 00:42:15,665
Ok, let's take
a deep breath together.
1015
00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:19,536
Ok, start by lifting
the penis to one side.
1016
00:42:19,538 --> 00:42:20,904
Oh, my God.
1017
00:42:20,906 --> 00:42:22,572
Slowly roll the testicle
1018
00:42:22,574 --> 00:42:24,807
between the thumb and fingers,
1019
00:42:24,809 --> 00:42:27,043
applying slight pressure.
1020
00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:27,911
Ow!
1021
00:42:27,913 --> 00:42:28,845
[Beep]
1022
00:42:28,847 --> 00:42:29,913
Hello? Mom?
1023
00:42:29,915 --> 00:42:30,947
It's me.
1024
00:42:30,949 --> 00:42:32,749
Dr. wyckoff: Who?
1025
00:42:32,751 --> 00:42:34,451
Eli!
1026
00:42:34,452 --> 00:42:36,152
Eli. Oh, well,
are we screening?
1027
00:42:36,154 --> 00:42:38,187
Yeah... no.
I wasn't, actually.
1028
00:42:38,189 --> 00:42:39,556
We just got in.
1029
00:42:39,558 --> 00:42:41,958
We. Mm-hmm.
What does that mean?
1030
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:43,660
Can I call you back?
1031
00:42:43,662 --> 00:42:44,994
Do we have company?
1032
00:42:44,996 --> 00:42:45,929
Yes.
1033
00:42:45,931 --> 00:42:47,830
Dr. wyckoff: Jewish?
1034
00:42:47,832 --> 00:42:49,065
No, but...
1035
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:49,933
cute?
1036
00:42:49,935 --> 00:42:51,334
Will you stop?
1037
00:42:51,336 --> 00:42:52,519
Wear a condom.
1038
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:53,703
Oh, God, mom, no.
It's not like...
1039
00:42:53,705 --> 00:42:55,004
did you hear the stuff
about the t.S.E.?
1040
00:42:55,006 --> 00:42:57,173
Did you hear what
I was talking about?
1041
00:42:57,175 --> 00:42:59,075
Yeah. We both did.
Thanks.
1042
00:42:59,077 --> 00:43:00,910
Maybe you could both
do it together then.
1043
00:43:00,912 --> 00:43:04,981
Nothing wrong with
helping each other
with a testicular exam.
1044
00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:05,848
Mom...
1045
00:43:05,850 --> 00:43:06,961
don't be shy.
1046
00:43:06,962 --> 00:43:08,073
I got to call you later, ok?
1047
00:43:08,074 --> 00:43:09,185
Wait, honey, please,
hold on for a second.
1048
00:43:09,187 --> 00:43:11,988
Call me tomorrow morning
between 6:50 and 7:00...
1049
00:43:11,990 --> 00:43:13,957
good-bye. God.
1050
00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:16,025
I feel so dirty.
1051
00:43:16,027 --> 00:43:19,228
So why does it matter
if I'm Jewish?
1052
00:43:19,230 --> 00:43:21,030
You heard that?
1053
00:43:21,032 --> 00:43:22,699
Oh, yeah.
1054
00:43:22,701 --> 00:43:23,817
Oh, my God.
1055
00:43:23,818 --> 00:43:24,934
I am going to go
to the bathroom now
1056
00:43:24,936 --> 00:43:27,337
and hope to God that
I can overdose on tums
1057
00:43:27,339 --> 00:43:29,706
or maalox or
pine-scented glade.
1058
00:43:29,708 --> 00:43:30,974
I'm so embarrassed.
1059
00:43:30,976 --> 00:43:32,342
Don't be.
It wasn't that bad.
1060
00:43:32,344 --> 00:43:34,911
Really.
It was funny, actually.
1061
00:43:34,913 --> 00:43:38,181
Will you please call mom for me?
I cannot talk to her.
1062
00:43:38,183 --> 00:43:40,049
The woman stopped
having boundaries
1063
00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:41,951
when she stopped wearing a bra.
1064
00:43:41,953 --> 00:43:43,753
And the fact that
I know that... ooh.
1065
00:43:43,755 --> 00:43:44,787
I know. It's scary.
1066
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,689
Does she pull
that shit with you?
1067
00:43:46,691 --> 00:43:48,191
Are you kidding?
She wanted me to
1068
00:43:48,193 --> 00:43:51,094
tape my first time
for her professional
evaluation.
1069
00:43:51,096 --> 00:43:52,829
And?
1070
00:43:52,831 --> 00:43:54,598
I'm not telling you.
1071
00:43:54,599 --> 00:43:56,366
Oh, God, and did
I tell you... she just
sent me this article
1072
00:43:56,368 --> 00:43:58,801
about circle jerks
in the new safe sex.
1073
00:43:58,803 --> 00:44:00,169
Can you believe I thought
1074
00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:02,455
"circle jerks" was
a figure-skating term?
1075
00:44:02,456 --> 00:44:04,740
Eli: Well, you know, it is...
with the male figure skaters.
1076
00:44:04,743 --> 00:44:07,310
Will you please call her
for me... please.
1077
00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:08,411
I cannot talk to her.
1078
00:44:08,413 --> 00:44:10,146
You know, you can't fight it.
1079
00:44:10,148 --> 00:44:11,381
And the more you
try to avoid her,
1080
00:44:11,383 --> 00:44:13,349
the more she's going to
insist on meeting...
1081
00:44:13,351 --> 00:44:15,351
what's your new
boyfriend's name?
1082
00:44:15,353 --> 00:44:17,787
Tom. And he's not
my boyfriend.
1083
00:44:17,789 --> 00:44:18,938
Whatever.
1084
00:44:18,939 --> 00:44:20,088
I don't know
what the hell he is.
1085
00:44:20,091 --> 00:44:22,025
What do you want him to be?
1086
00:44:22,027 --> 00:44:22,959
What?
1087
00:44:22,961 --> 00:44:24,761
I... no. Yeah.
1088
00:44:24,763 --> 00:44:27,664
It's like... I...
no, no...
1089
00:44:27,666 --> 00:44:31,334
I just wish I knew
one way or the other.
1090
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:34,370
Ok, put the bong down,
space cowboy.
1091
00:44:34,372 --> 00:44:38,875
He's your fucking boyfriend,
just like I said.
1092
00:44:47,752 --> 00:44:48,918
Man: Eli.
1093
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:50,720
Oh, hey.
1094
00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:57,460
¶ When you said to me ¶
1095
00:44:57,462 --> 00:45:00,897
¶ you are not so old ¶
1096
00:45:00,899 --> 00:45:04,333
¶ did I know it then ¶
1097
00:45:04,335 --> 00:45:07,203
¶ 'cause I had just been told ¶
1098
00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:10,273
¶ I didn't think I'd find you ¶
1099
00:45:10,275 --> 00:45:13,810
¶ perfect in so many ways ¶
1100
00:45:13,812 --> 00:45:16,145
¶ but I've been waiting ¶
1101
00:45:16,147 --> 00:45:17,313
¶ waiting ¶
1102
00:45:17,315 --> 00:45:19,048
what is it with you and nudity?
1103
00:45:19,050 --> 00:45:21,417
Nothing. But that
movie was pandering.
1104
00:45:21,419 --> 00:45:22,752
It was an art film.
1105
00:45:22,754 --> 00:45:24,721
Yeah... the art of guys
with 6-pack abs
1106
00:45:24,723 --> 00:45:26,255
blowing each other
every chance they get.
1107
00:45:26,257 --> 00:45:28,257
And every
gay guy in L.A.
1108
00:45:28,259 --> 00:45:29,992
Is like
"run, don't walk."
1109
00:45:29,994 --> 00:45:31,894
And the problem with that is...
1110
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:33,963
Christ, you may as well
stay home and watch
1111
00:45:33,965 --> 00:45:35,898
the hand that rocks my ladle
1112
00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,400
or pocahoncho.
1113
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:38,901
At least those movies
don't pretend to be
1114
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,403
something that they're not.
1115
00:45:40,405 --> 00:45:41,871
You have those?
Pop them in.
1116
00:45:41,873 --> 00:45:44,173
Oh, God. See? You're
part of the problem.
1117
00:45:44,175 --> 00:45:45,274
Let me get this straight.
1118
00:45:45,276 --> 00:45:47,143
You think that a movie
about 2 guys...
1119
00:45:47,145 --> 00:45:49,145
it can't be about love...
just sex?
1120
00:45:49,147 --> 00:45:50,346
Those guys were in love.
1121
00:45:50,348 --> 00:45:52,849
Granted,
it was a special
kind of love.
1122
00:45:52,851 --> 00:45:54,817
The kind of love
that required latex.
1123
00:45:54,819 --> 00:45:56,486
Oh, my God. You know what,
never mind.
1124
00:45:56,488 --> 00:45:58,938
I cannot have this
argument with a guy
1125
00:45:58,939 --> 00:46:01,389
who never saw
gone with the wind...
what is that?
1126
00:46:01,392 --> 00:46:03,676
God, would you relax.
1127
00:46:03,677 --> 00:46:05,961
Huh? You're going
to give yourself
an aneurysm.
1128
00:46:05,964 --> 00:46:07,864
You are infuriating.
1129
00:46:07,866 --> 00:46:11,367
You... you don't have to.
1130
00:46:11,369 --> 00:46:14,437
Do you want me to stop?
1131
00:46:15,774 --> 00:46:17,540
No.
1132
00:46:17,542 --> 00:46:19,542
Mmm.
1133
00:46:20,512 --> 00:46:23,813
Man, you always smell so good.
1134
00:46:26,417 --> 00:46:28,484
Ok, there you go.
1135
00:46:28,486 --> 00:46:31,854
So, uh, Saturday
is tennis, right?
1136
00:46:31,856 --> 00:46:33,523
There must be
an open on...
1137
00:46:33,525 --> 00:46:36,859
Australia, British.
Pakistani, right?
1138
00:46:36,861 --> 00:46:39,395
Is something wrong?
1139
00:46:40,865 --> 00:46:42,565
What? No, no.
1140
00:46:42,566 --> 00:46:44,266
I just want to watch TV,
that's all.
1141
00:46:44,269 --> 00:46:45,268
Huh.
1142
00:46:45,270 --> 00:46:48,271
That's ok.
Whatever. I get it.
1143
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:50,807
Get what?
1144
00:46:50,809 --> 00:46:52,125
Same as usual.
1145
00:46:52,126 --> 00:46:53,442
The whole come-here-
go-away routine.
1146
00:46:53,444 --> 00:46:55,545
What, do you want me
to keep massaging you?
1147
00:46:55,547 --> 00:46:57,447
I will, but I got to tell you,
1148
00:46:57,448 --> 00:46:59,348
this isn't exactly
the way to get me
to want to.
1149
00:46:59,350 --> 00:47:01,417
No, tom, it's actually fine.
1150
00:47:01,419 --> 00:47:03,352
You know, that's just...
1151
00:47:03,354 --> 00:47:04,821
you're not attracted to me,
1152
00:47:04,823 --> 00:47:07,356
you want to
just be friends...
I can handle that.
1153
00:47:07,358 --> 00:47:09,592
But then stop
fucking calling me
and inviting me
1154
00:47:09,594 --> 00:47:12,094
to see semi-porn on
a Saturday afternoon.
1155
00:47:12,096 --> 00:47:13,830
And then drag me
back to my house
1156
00:47:13,832 --> 00:47:14,997
and start rubbing my shoulders
1157
00:47:14,999 --> 00:47:16,866
and expect me
to be like, "hey, buddy,
1158
00:47:16,868 --> 00:47:18,835
thanks a lot.
I'll see you around."
1159
00:47:18,837 --> 00:47:20,536
What is so wrong
with taking things slow?
1160
00:47:20,538 --> 00:47:22,605
Huh? Why does it
always have to be
1161
00:47:22,607 --> 00:47:24,473
all or nothing with you?
1162
00:47:24,475 --> 00:47:25,575
I don't know.
1163
00:47:25,577 --> 00:47:27,460
All right, fine.
1164
00:47:27,461 --> 00:47:29,344
Then maybe we should
cool it off for a while.
1165
00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:31,214
No, I like you. I do.
1166
00:47:31,216 --> 00:47:32,515
Thank you.
1167
00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:34,884
It's just...
1168
00:47:34,886 --> 00:47:37,186
I want to have a good time.
1169
00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:39,022
That's all.
1170
00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:40,857
I don't want to make this
this intense thing.
1171
00:47:40,859 --> 00:47:44,460
And you seem to want this...
1172
00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:46,495
I don't know.
I don't know.
1173
00:47:46,497 --> 00:47:48,931
What do you want?
1174
00:47:50,602 --> 00:47:53,336
Eggs, actually.
1175
00:47:54,939 --> 00:47:56,339
Whatever.
1176
00:48:03,882 --> 00:48:05,915
Remember cooties?
1177
00:48:05,916 --> 00:48:07,949
Don't touch the losers
or you get cooties.
1178
00:48:07,952 --> 00:48:09,452
And who are the losers?
1179
00:48:09,454 --> 00:48:11,654
Easy. Anybody with
a hard-boiled egg
1180
00:48:11,656 --> 00:48:13,556
in their lunch bag.
1181
00:48:13,558 --> 00:48:15,258
Well, I don't think
1182
00:48:15,260 --> 00:48:18,060
tom liked what I had
in my lunch bag.
1183
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:20,463
Man: What about sex?
I mean, people do have sex.
1184
00:48:20,465 --> 00:48:23,165
Woman: Sex is the logical
outgrowth of...
1185
00:48:23,167 --> 00:48:24,634
Eli, let it out.
1186
00:48:24,636 --> 00:48:28,304
No, you know, I don't
want to talk about it.
1187
00:48:28,306 --> 00:48:29,956
Cop-out!
1188
00:48:29,957 --> 00:48:31,607
Why do you
feel the need to
beat yourself up?
1189
00:48:31,609 --> 00:48:33,376
Why won't you
let us into the now?
1190
00:48:33,378 --> 00:48:36,946
Why do I feel like
I'm in a cheesy
seventies est seminar?
1191
00:48:36,948 --> 00:48:38,815
Good. How else
do you feel?
1192
00:48:38,816 --> 00:48:40,683
Would you like us
to bring out
the feel wheel?
1193
00:48:40,685 --> 00:48:42,351
You know what, no.
I would actually like it
1194
00:48:42,353 --> 00:48:45,688
if you would just leave me
alone for a little while.
1195
00:48:54,299 --> 00:48:55,364
Let me in.
1196
00:48:55,366 --> 00:48:56,699
I'm not going to hurt you.
1197
00:48:56,701 --> 00:48:59,368
I'm your friend.
What is wrong?
1198
00:48:59,370 --> 00:49:00,970
I'm fine, ok?
1199
00:49:00,972 --> 00:49:03,005
I don't think so.
1200
00:49:05,944 --> 00:49:07,109
It's this guy.
1201
00:49:07,111 --> 00:49:09,378
I knew it.
1202
00:49:09,379 --> 00:49:11,646
He has this reputation
for being sort of easy.
1203
00:49:11,649 --> 00:49:12,982
Mm-hmm.
1204
00:49:12,984 --> 00:49:14,350
Not with me.
1205
00:49:14,352 --> 00:49:16,285
With me, it's hard.
1206
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:19,455
Or not hard... maybe
that's the problem.
1207
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,724
Ok...
1208
00:49:25,964 --> 00:49:27,363
Oh, Eli. What is this?
1209
00:49:27,365 --> 00:49:29,665
TV: A closeted gay teacher
is outed by a former student
1210
00:49:29,667 --> 00:49:31,484
on the night
of the academy awards
1211
00:49:31,485 --> 00:49:33,302
in the ground-breaking
comedy starring Kevin kline.
1212
00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:35,037
I hate this film.
David, come in here,
1213
00:49:35,039 --> 00:49:37,006
you won't believe what
they're showing again.
1214
00:49:37,008 --> 00:49:38,708
What a piece-of-shit
film. Honestly.
1215
00:49:38,710 --> 00:49:40,276
Like we're
supposed to believe...
1216
00:49:40,278 --> 00:49:42,044
look at this.
They're showing it again.
1217
00:49:42,046 --> 00:49:43,602
They showed it last week.
1218
00:49:43,603 --> 00:49:45,159
That this woman's
going to fall in love
1219
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:46,716
with a middle-aged,
homophobic,
self-hating teacher
1220
00:49:46,718 --> 00:49:48,451
who's only now
discovered he's gay.
1221
00:49:48,453 --> 00:49:50,052
We hated this movie.
1222
00:49:50,054 --> 00:49:51,404
I don't think so.
1223
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:52,755
Change
the channel.
Change
the channel.
1224
00:49:52,757 --> 00:49:54,557
Fuck you!
1225
00:50:07,271 --> 00:50:08,371
Hi.
1226
00:50:08,373 --> 00:50:09,739
Hi, sunny.
1227
00:50:09,741 --> 00:50:12,341
Mmm...
1228
00:50:12,343 --> 00:50:14,643
Oh, honey...
1229
00:50:14,645 --> 00:50:16,712
That's so sweet.
1230
00:50:16,714 --> 00:50:19,648
But right now
the thought of food
1231
00:50:19,650 --> 00:50:21,417
makes me want to borch.
1232
00:50:21,419 --> 00:50:24,020
Pretty picture
to wake up to, huh?
1233
00:50:24,022 --> 00:50:25,788
Well, "a"...
I can't imagine
1234
00:50:25,790 --> 00:50:29,091
waking up to any other picture,
1235
00:50:29,093 --> 00:50:30,726
and, "b"...
1236
00:50:30,728 --> 00:50:34,030
I don't ever want to have to.
1237
00:50:34,032 --> 00:50:35,731
What is this?
1238
00:50:35,733 --> 00:50:37,033
It's your capers.
1239
00:50:37,035 --> 00:50:40,369
I know how
you like them
on the side.
1240
00:50:40,371 --> 00:50:42,738
Oh, my God.
1241
00:50:42,740 --> 00:50:47,109
Oh, my God.
1242
00:50:47,111 --> 00:50:49,345
Oh, shit.
1243
00:50:49,347 --> 00:50:50,613
D... huh?
1244
00:50:50,615 --> 00:50:53,582
Oh, no.
No, no, no. I...
1245
00:50:53,584 --> 00:50:55,785
of course I'll marry you.
1246
00:50:55,787 --> 00:50:58,454
It's just that now
everybody's going to think
1247
00:50:58,456 --> 00:51:02,058
we're doing it
because I'm pregnant.
1248
00:51:04,095 --> 00:51:07,296
You're kidding me.
Are you kidding me?
1249
00:51:07,298 --> 00:51:11,400
Holy... Oh, my God.
1250
00:51:11,402 --> 00:51:14,236
Oh, my God.
1251
00:51:14,238 --> 00:51:15,704
Mmm. Mr. preggers.
1252
00:51:15,706 --> 00:51:19,508
Mr. preggers.
Wake up, Mr. preggers.
1253
00:51:20,778 --> 00:51:23,345
We should have
never fooled around.
1254
00:51:23,347 --> 00:51:25,614
I know. Why don't you
have some more wine?
1255
00:51:25,616 --> 00:51:28,484
What can I say?
He doesn't make me
weak in the knees.
1256
00:51:28,486 --> 00:51:31,387
Please. That is exactly
why you should be with him.
1257
00:51:31,389 --> 00:51:33,255
I mean, the ones
that make you dizzy
1258
00:51:33,257 --> 00:51:35,157
are only good for a quick fuck.
1259
00:51:35,159 --> 00:51:37,359
The rest are marriage material,
1260
00:51:37,361 --> 00:51:38,427
like Brett.
1261
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:43,099
That is exactly
what I'm afraid of.
1262
00:51:44,335 --> 00:51:47,236
Wait. What?
1263
00:51:48,206 --> 00:51:50,639
Wow. Wow, that was fast.
1264
00:51:50,641 --> 00:51:53,342
Well, tick-tock,
you know?
1265
00:51:53,344 --> 00:51:55,177
[Laughs]
1266
00:51:55,179 --> 00:51:56,445
You're crazy.
1267
00:51:56,447 --> 00:51:58,614
I want you to be
my man of honor.
1268
00:51:58,616 --> 00:51:59,815
There's no such thing.
1269
00:51:59,817 --> 00:52:01,968
So? You're
my best friend.
1270
00:52:01,969 --> 00:52:04,120
I couldn't even
imagine anybody else
by my side.
1271
00:52:04,122 --> 00:52:06,155
And your first duty
as my personal slave
1272
00:52:06,157 --> 00:52:08,891
is to pretend to love it.
1273
00:52:10,361 --> 00:52:14,130
Fine. Fine. Fine.
1274
00:52:14,132 --> 00:52:17,399
Jackie: Thanks.
I love you.
1275
00:52:22,373 --> 00:52:26,208
¶ I've been walking
backwards lately ¶
1276
00:52:26,210 --> 00:52:30,846
¶ to see if I could find you ¶
1277
00:52:30,848 --> 00:52:31,881
[telephone beeps]
1278
00:52:31,883 --> 00:52:36,519
It's Jackie. Again. Hello?
1279
00:52:36,521 --> 00:52:39,822
Jackie: Where are you?
Call me back... stat.
1280
00:52:39,824 --> 00:52:43,225
¶ Imagine you falling asleep ¶
1281
00:52:43,227 --> 00:52:48,597
¶ watching TV in the den ¶
1282
00:52:48,599 --> 00:52:54,370
¶ if I could bring you back ¶
1283
00:52:54,372 --> 00:52:56,505
¶ talk about... ¶
1284
00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:58,691
[telephone rings]
1285
00:52:58,692 --> 00:53:00,876
Tom's voice: Hi, this is tom.
Leave a message or don't.
1286
00:53:00,878 --> 00:53:02,811
[Telephone beeps]
1287
00:53:02,813 --> 00:53:04,713
This is the bride-to-be.
1288
00:53:04,715 --> 00:53:06,182
I really wouldn't mind
1289
00:53:06,184 --> 00:53:07,850
having my best friend
around right now,
1290
00:53:07,852 --> 00:53:11,854
being that it's the most
important time of my life.
1291
00:53:11,856 --> 00:53:15,658
But, hey, maybe that's
just too much to ask for.
1292
00:53:15,660 --> 00:53:20,496
¶ Anything just to
see your face again ¶
1293
00:53:20,498 --> 00:53:24,667
¶ and just to make you smile ¶
1294
00:53:24,669 --> 00:53:29,505
¶ and set me free ¶
1295
00:53:29,507 --> 00:53:33,809
¶ if I could bring you back ¶
1296
00:53:33,811 --> 00:53:37,980
¶ well, that'd be
the sweetest thing ¶
1297
00:53:37,982 --> 00:53:43,619
¶ if I could bring you back ¶
1298
00:53:44,288 --> 00:53:48,424
¶ to me ¶
1299
00:54:11,415 --> 00:54:14,416
[hip-hop music plays]
1300
00:54:33,304 --> 00:54:34,970
¶ Turn his head and run ¶
1301
00:54:34,972 --> 00:54:36,972
¶ and don't look back ¶
1302
00:54:36,974 --> 00:54:39,725
¶ because I fear ¶
1303
00:54:39,726 --> 00:54:42,477
¶ there is nothing
left to say to you ¶
1304
00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:44,980
¶ that you want to hear,
that you want to know ¶
1305
00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,448
¶ I think I should go ¶
1306
00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:50,786
¶ the things I have done
are way too shameful ¶
1307
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,022
¶ oh ¶
1308
00:54:53,024 --> 00:54:57,326
¶ ooh, ooh, ooh ¶
1309
00:54:57,328 --> 00:55:03,432
¶ ooh, ooh, ooh ¶
1310
00:55:03,434 --> 00:55:05,334
freeze!
1311
00:55:58,889 --> 00:55:59,855
[Telephone beeps]
1312
00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:02,057
Jack. Jack, pick up.
It's me.
1313
00:56:02,059 --> 00:56:05,060
[Whispering]
Jackie, please pick up.
1314
00:56:05,062 --> 00:56:06,495
[Sighs]
1315
00:56:06,497 --> 00:56:09,565
All right, well,
I met someone...
1316
00:56:10,468 --> 00:56:13,435
Apparently. Fuck!
1317
00:56:13,437 --> 00:56:16,071
[Sighs]
1318
00:56:16,073 --> 00:56:19,541
Listen, Jack, I'm...
1319
00:56:19,543 --> 00:56:24,380
I'm really sorry
I haven't returned
your calls.
1320
00:56:24,382 --> 00:56:26,415
I've been a shit, all right,
1321
00:56:26,417 --> 00:56:31,387
and it's me.
It's not you.
1322
00:56:32,089 --> 00:56:34,390
Like you don't know that.
1323
00:56:34,392 --> 00:56:36,859
[Man rustles]
1324
00:56:39,797 --> 00:56:41,163
Jack, I really, really
1325
00:56:41,165 --> 00:56:43,565
need to talk to you, all right?
1326
00:56:43,567 --> 00:56:45,033
I'm freaking out here.
1327
00:56:45,035 --> 00:56:47,636
Oh, Jesus, this guy
has the number 8
1328
00:56:47,638 --> 00:56:51,407
tattooed on his...
Wait.
1329
00:56:52,009 --> 00:56:54,109
Correction. It says
"eighth wonder."
1330
00:56:54,111 --> 00:56:57,446
Ok. Yeah. You know,
I really know
how to pick them.
1331
00:56:57,448 --> 00:56:59,948
Jack, please call me back.
1332
00:57:05,589 --> 00:57:08,791
Open your eyes and look at me.
1333
00:57:08,793 --> 00:57:11,193
No, I don't think
I will kiss you...
1334
00:57:11,195 --> 00:57:14,530
although you need
kissing badly.
1335
00:57:20,638 --> 00:57:23,038
Clark gable:
If the right moment
ever came.
1336
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:26,508
You're a conceited,
black-hearted,
varmint, rhett Butler,
1337
00:57:26,510 --> 00:57:28,177
and I don't know why
I let you come and see me.
1338
00:57:28,179 --> 00:57:30,913
Gable: I'll tell you
why, Scarlett.
1339
00:57:30,915 --> 00:57:33,081
The war can't last much longer.
1340
00:57:33,083 --> 00:57:35,534
Really, rhett. Why?
1341
00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:37,986
There's a little battle
going on right now
that ought to...
1342
00:57:39,023 --> 00:57:41,924
[Telephone rings]
1343
00:57:43,227 --> 00:57:44,493
Hello?
1344
00:57:44,495 --> 00:57:47,496
Tom: How have
you been?
1345
00:57:52,937 --> 00:57:54,203
Ok.
1346
00:57:54,205 --> 00:57:55,704
Good.
1347
00:57:55,706 --> 00:57:58,874
Listen, um...
1348
00:58:01,512 --> 00:58:02,678
What?
1349
00:58:02,679 --> 00:58:03,845
Well, what I was
going to say was
1350
00:58:03,848 --> 00:58:05,481
I've been procrastinating
1351
00:58:05,483 --> 00:58:07,149
about this whole wedding thing.
1352
00:58:07,151 --> 00:58:10,486
I haven't gotten a gift
for Jackie's shower yet.
1353
00:58:10,488 --> 00:58:12,488
I guess I'm in denial.
1354
00:58:12,490 --> 00:58:15,023
I'm sure it's not
the first time.
1355
00:58:15,025 --> 00:58:17,960
Yeah. Right.
1356
00:58:18,262 --> 00:58:21,129
You know, tom,
I guess I never
got the e-mail,
1357
00:58:21,131 --> 00:58:24,700
you know, that our
cooling-off period
was officially over.
1358
00:58:24,702 --> 00:58:28,570
And, frankly,
I'd like to
renew my option.
1359
00:58:28,572 --> 00:58:30,839
Um... Yeah. L...
1360
00:58:30,841 --> 00:58:32,274
bye.
1361
00:58:33,744 --> 00:58:35,811
[Telephone rings]
1362
00:58:35,813 --> 00:58:37,429
Fuck... Fuck...
1363
00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:39,046
Machine: Hi, this is Eli.
Leave a message.
1364
00:58:39,049 --> 00:58:40,816
Tom: Yeah,
it's tom again.
1365
00:58:40,817 --> 00:58:42,584
Listen,
I'm all for keeping
things casual...
1366
00:58:42,586 --> 00:58:43,886
now he's over me.
That's just great.
1367
00:58:43,888 --> 00:58:45,554
But that doesn't
mean we can't go out
1368
00:58:45,556 --> 00:58:47,155
and buy a baby gift
together, does it?
1369
00:58:47,157 --> 00:58:48,824
I hate people like this.
1370
00:58:48,826 --> 00:58:50,025
I know.
1371
00:58:50,026 --> 00:58:51,225
They play this game.
Once you decide
to play it, too,
1372
00:58:51,228 --> 00:58:52,995
they don't want to
play it anymore.
1373
00:58:52,997 --> 00:58:54,563
I mean, what the fuck is that?
1374
00:58:54,565 --> 00:58:56,064
Yeah. You know,
I'm starting to think
1375
00:58:56,066 --> 00:58:57,733
that's all there is
out there anymore.
1376
00:58:57,735 --> 00:58:59,079
Well, that's wrong.
1377
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:00,424
Nope. No, here's
what I think.
1378
00:59:00,425 --> 00:59:01,769
I think who I am,
you know, what I've been...
1379
00:59:01,772 --> 00:59:03,372
not working so much anymore.
1380
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:04,973
From now on, there's
going to be a whole new Eli.
1381
00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:06,975
The whole love thing...
I don't buy it.
1382
00:59:06,977 --> 00:59:08,761
Well, how come it works for me?
1383
00:59:08,762 --> 00:59:10,546
Oh, my God, you
are so full of shit.
It doesn't work for you.
1384
00:59:10,548 --> 00:59:13,115
You fall in love
with a different
person each week.
1385
00:59:13,117 --> 00:59:15,340
My point exactly.
1386
00:59:15,341 --> 00:59:17,564
No, no, no. You fall
in love with the idea
of being in love...
1387
00:59:17,565 --> 00:59:19,788
with a married man to,
what, experience the rush
of breaking up a family?
1388
00:59:19,790 --> 00:59:23,659
Now you fall in love
with a deaf guy to
learn sign language?
1389
00:59:23,661 --> 00:59:25,144
Well, I did.
1390
00:59:25,145 --> 00:59:26,628
Ok, honey, this does not
constitute sign language.
1391
00:59:26,630 --> 00:59:29,231
And then with a woman
just to piss off mom and dad.
1392
00:59:29,233 --> 00:59:30,866
Ok, how much did that backfire?
1393
00:59:30,868 --> 00:59:32,935
That's the year that
they decided to run
1394
00:59:32,937 --> 00:59:34,837
for co-president
of p-flag.
1395
00:59:34,838 --> 00:59:36,738
You know what, from now on,
it's just going to be
1396
00:59:36,740 --> 00:59:38,574
one-night stands,
casual sex,
1397
00:59:38,576 --> 00:59:40,642
just a lot of close friends.
1398
00:59:40,644 --> 00:59:42,244
Hmph. You sound
pathetic.
1399
00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:43,845
No, you know what?
For the first time
in my life,
1400
00:59:43,847 --> 00:59:45,581
I think I actually make sense.
1401
00:59:45,583 --> 00:59:48,150
Great. Glad to help you
through the pain. Bye-bye.
1402
00:59:48,152 --> 00:59:50,252
Bye. I'll call
you later.
1403
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,353
Yeah, will you tell
that other Eli to
give me a call?
1404
00:59:52,356 --> 00:59:53,822
This one sucks.
1405
00:59:53,824 --> 00:59:55,190
[Telephone rings]
1406
00:59:55,192 --> 00:59:58,627
If that's him, you're
not going shopping.
1407
00:59:58,629 --> 01:00:00,596
[Ring ring]
1408
01:00:00,598 --> 01:00:02,598
Ok, fyi, the only
reason I'm here
1409
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:05,334
is because your whole
tires-got-slashed-story
1410
01:00:05,336 --> 01:00:06,935
was so much more believable
1411
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:09,037
than the first
13 messages you left me.
1412
01:00:09,039 --> 01:00:10,205
Personally, I thought I had you
1413
01:00:10,207 --> 01:00:12,841
with the tickets to
x files on ice.
1414
01:00:12,843 --> 01:00:15,344
I already saw it.
1415
01:00:18,983 --> 01:00:20,683
[Chuckles]
1416
01:00:20,684 --> 01:00:22,384
I always wanted one
when I was a kid.
1417
01:00:22,386 --> 01:00:23,352
Surprising, huh?
1418
01:00:23,354 --> 01:00:25,621
Oh, my God, I had
so many dolls.
1419
01:00:25,623 --> 01:00:27,322
My dad would have killed me.
1420
01:00:27,324 --> 01:00:28,357
Really?
1421
01:00:28,359 --> 01:00:29,670
Yeah.
1422
01:00:29,671 --> 01:00:30,982
My house was like
a free-for-all.
1423
01:00:30,983 --> 01:00:32,294
My sister had all these
Barbies and kens,
1424
01:00:32,296 --> 01:00:33,862
and my parents
made me play with them.
1425
01:00:33,864 --> 01:00:35,664
Your parents forced you
to play with dolls?
1426
01:00:35,666 --> 01:00:39,401
Oh, it was just so
I could learn the names
of all the body parts.
1427
01:00:39,403 --> 01:00:41,937
Pick whichever doll you like.
1428
01:00:41,939 --> 01:00:45,741
It's your choice.
They're all beautiful.
1429
01:00:46,710 --> 01:00:49,711
Good. Now switch.
1430
01:00:54,318 --> 01:00:56,785
What do you call this?
1431
01:00:56,787 --> 01:00:57,953
Vagina.
1432
01:00:57,955 --> 01:01:01,323
Yes. Vagina.
Good, Rayna.
1433
01:01:01,325 --> 01:01:04,726
Eli... Vagina.
1434
01:01:04,728 --> 01:01:07,379
Vagina.
1435
01:01:07,380 --> 01:01:10,031
Now say it like you
mean it: Va-gi-na.
1436
01:01:10,034 --> 01:01:11,433
Vagina.
1437
01:01:11,435 --> 01:01:14,102
Yes. Yes. Yes.
1438
01:01:14,104 --> 01:01:16,738
I always thought Ken was gay.
1439
01:01:16,740 --> 01:01:19,174
He was when I got
through with him.
1440
01:01:19,176 --> 01:01:21,810
That's another story.
1441
01:01:22,079 --> 01:01:24,346
You know,
you and Ken together...
1442
01:01:24,348 --> 01:01:27,215
it's strangely erotic.
1443
01:01:29,420 --> 01:01:32,354
Well, we have been known
to do private shows,
1444
01:01:32,356 --> 01:01:34,122
if you're interested.
1445
01:01:34,124 --> 01:01:36,391
Not today.
1446
01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:39,261
Ok.
1447
01:01:41,065 --> 01:01:42,230
Hello, there, Eli.
1448
01:01:42,232 --> 01:01:45,867
I'm fuzzy wuzzy the bear.
1449
01:01:50,908 --> 01:01:53,909
Jackie would love this bear.
1450
01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:56,845
¶ Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear ¶
1451
01:01:56,847 --> 01:01:58,413
¶ fuzzy wuzzy had no hair ¶
1452
01:01:58,415 --> 01:02:02,217
¶ fuzzy wuzzy
wasn't very fuzzy,
was he? ¶
1453
01:02:02,219 --> 01:02:03,351
was he? Was he?
1454
01:02:03,353 --> 01:02:04,820
Was he? Was he?
Was he?
1455
01:02:04,822 --> 01:02:05,987
Was he?
Was he!
1456
01:02:05,989 --> 01:02:06,888
Was he! Was he!
1457
01:02:06,890 --> 01:02:09,991
Was he. Was he.
Was he.
1458
01:02:09,993 --> 01:02:10,959
That's what I said.
1459
01:02:10,961 --> 01:02:13,261
No, no.
You said, was he?
1460
01:02:13,263 --> 01:02:14,796
It's was he.
1461
01:02:14,798 --> 01:02:16,031
What's the difference?
1462
01:02:16,033 --> 01:02:18,200
You're kidding, right?
1463
01:02:18,201 --> 01:02:20,368
You just established
that fuzzy wuzzy
had no hair.
1464
01:02:20,370 --> 01:02:22,304
Why would you then ask, was he?
1465
01:02:22,306 --> 01:02:24,339
Like a question,
like you didn't know
1466
01:02:24,341 --> 01:02:26,391
if he was fuzzy or not.
1467
01:02:26,392 --> 01:02:28,442
It is a question.
I'm asking if fuzzy
is or isn't fuzzy.
1468
01:02:28,445 --> 01:02:29,945
What is so wrong about that?
1469
01:02:29,947 --> 01:02:31,346
It is a rhetorical question.
1470
01:02:31,348 --> 01:02:32,814
There's no answer to it.
1471
01:02:32,816 --> 01:02:33,949
It's supposed to be ironic.
1472
01:02:33,951 --> 01:02:37,185
"Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't
very fuzzy, was he."
1473
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:53,835
I don't think it's
that obvious if fuzzy wuzzy
was or wasn't fuzzy.
1474
01:02:53,837 --> 01:02:56,471
It is the point
of the whole
goddamn thing.
1475
01:02:56,473 --> 01:02:57,973
Man, why are you so uptight?
1476
01:02:57,975 --> 01:03:00,942
No... there always has to be
a right way with you
1477
01:03:00,944 --> 01:03:02,277
and a wrong way with you.
1478
01:03:02,279 --> 01:03:04,880
I mean, is that why
you like being with me...
1479
01:03:04,882 --> 01:03:08,083
so you can feel like
you're right all the time.
1480
01:03:08,085 --> 01:03:10,051
What? No.
1481
01:03:10,053 --> 01:03:11,953
That's... is that
what you think?
1482
01:03:11,955 --> 01:03:15,190
Alls I know is you have
this rigid idea
1483
01:03:15,192 --> 01:03:17,492
of how I should be.
1484
01:03:17,494 --> 01:03:20,061
"Alls you know"?
1485
01:03:20,063 --> 01:03:22,197
Right. Right. I can't.
1486
01:03:25,435 --> 01:03:26,868
Fuck!
1487
01:03:26,870 --> 01:03:29,838
Woman: Oh, boy,
it's mine, mine, mine!
1488
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,039
[Women gush]
1489
01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,958
I love this.
1490
01:03:32,959 --> 01:03:34,876
Woman: Well, enjoy it now,
honey, because in a month or so,
1491
01:03:34,878 --> 01:03:37,279
you're going to be
ripping the seams.
1492
01:03:37,281 --> 01:03:38,814
[Woman cackles]
1493
01:03:38,816 --> 01:03:39,915
I'm going to kill you.
1494
01:03:39,917 --> 01:03:42,484
Rachel, could you
shut the fuck up?
1495
01:03:42,486 --> 01:03:45,053
You're cackling like an idiot.
1496
01:03:45,055 --> 01:03:46,188
Come on, Liz, grab some bows
1497
01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:48,223
and help us with
the rehearsal bouquet.
1498
01:03:48,225 --> 01:03:49,958
Why do you want me to do it?
1499
01:03:49,960 --> 01:03:51,193
Because you think
it's the only time
1500
01:03:51,195 --> 01:03:52,928
I'm ever going to
get to hold one?
1501
01:03:52,930 --> 01:03:54,963
Ok, Liz, what time
is therapy, hon?
1502
01:03:54,965 --> 01:03:56,097
Do they make house calls?
1503
01:03:56,099 --> 01:03:57,933
That's really sweet.
Very supportive.
1504
01:03:57,935 --> 01:03:58,967
I'm taking my gift back.
1505
01:03:58,969 --> 01:04:00,035
I'll make it.
I'll make it.
1506
01:04:00,037 --> 01:04:01,903
Liz: Thank you.
Nice person.
1507
01:04:01,905 --> 01:04:03,572
[Banging on the door]
1508
01:04:03,573 --> 01:04:05,240
Wait! The door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
1509
01:04:05,242 --> 01:04:08,476
Oh. Uh-oh.
1510
01:04:09,446 --> 01:04:12,030
Is Jackie here?
1511
01:04:12,031 --> 01:04:14,615
Liz: Hey, Jackie,
did you forget to pay
some parking tickets?
1512
01:04:14,618 --> 01:04:15,383
Hello.
1513
01:04:15,385 --> 01:04:17,385
Are you Jackie gold?
1514
01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:18,520
I'll be Jackie gold.
1515
01:04:18,522 --> 01:04:20,522
Jackie: I'm going
to kill you guys.
1516
01:04:20,524 --> 01:04:22,224
I can't believe you did this.
1517
01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:23,458
Jackie, you have been
1518
01:04:23,460 --> 01:04:26,094
a bad, bad, bad girl,
haven't you?
1519
01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:29,898
Woman: Oh, baby!
Oh, yeah!
1520
01:04:30,968 --> 01:04:33,935
Put that thing away.
1521
01:04:38,108 --> 01:04:42,110
Go ahead... Great angle.
1522
01:04:43,981 --> 01:04:46,281
Jackie: Oh, my God.
1523
01:04:46,283 --> 01:04:50,218
You work that Booty.
1524
01:04:50,220 --> 01:04:53,021
Uh, I love him.
1525
01:04:53,023 --> 01:04:54,256
Woman: Uh-huh!
1526
01:04:54,258 --> 01:04:56,558
This is it!
This is it!
1527
01:04:57,227 --> 01:04:59,127
Ok, that is going
to be amazing!
1528
01:04:59,129 --> 01:05:00,562
Enough with the pictures.
1529
01:05:00,564 --> 01:05:02,097
That was great.
It was great.
1530
01:05:02,099 --> 01:05:03,598
I hate it with the pictures.
1531
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:05,400
Ah, ring, ring, ring, ring.
1532
01:05:05,402 --> 01:05:06,679
Ok...
1533
01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:07,957
Forget about the ring.
1534
01:05:07,958 --> 01:05:09,235
Can we talk
about our
friend the cop?
1535
01:05:09,239 --> 01:05:11,139
Woman: You mean your
future ex-husband?
1536
01:05:11,141 --> 01:05:14,142
Tom: So how long
you been doing this?
1537
01:05:14,144 --> 01:05:16,244
Too long...
1538
01:05:17,214 --> 01:05:19,180
Jackie: Let's go, ladies.
1539
01:05:19,182 --> 01:05:20,982
Liz: Let me
ask you this.
1540
01:05:20,984 --> 01:05:23,285
How many of these gifts
can I take home with me?
1541
01:05:23,287 --> 01:05:24,452
Jackie: You're crazy.
1542
01:05:24,454 --> 01:05:26,688
Liz: I wrap
beautifully, though.
1543
01:05:26,690 --> 01:05:28,423
Don't you think
we should share?
1544
01:05:28,425 --> 01:05:32,060
You don't
even like mine.
Can I take it back?
1545
01:05:32,062 --> 01:05:34,663
Excuse me... one second.
1546
01:05:34,665 --> 01:05:36,398
So, um, you know,
1547
01:05:36,400 --> 01:05:39,034
I've been kind of bad myself.
1548
01:05:39,036 --> 01:05:40,001
You have?
1549
01:05:40,003 --> 01:05:42,604
[Car peels out]
1550
01:05:56,620 --> 01:06:03,425
¶ Please forgive me
if I act a little strange ¶
1551
01:06:03,994 --> 01:06:09,030
¶ for I know not what I do ¶
1552
01:06:09,032 --> 01:06:10,298
[doorbell rings]
1553
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:12,267
¶ Feels like lightning ¶
1554
01:06:12,269 --> 01:06:17,138
¶ running through my veins ¶
1555
01:06:17,708 --> 01:06:23,178
¶ every time I look at you ¶
1556
01:06:25,649 --> 01:06:27,182
hey.
1557
01:06:27,184 --> 01:06:28,984
Hey.
1558
01:06:28,986 --> 01:06:31,152
How much do I owe you?
1559
01:06:31,154 --> 01:06:32,887
Uh, $9.22.
1560
01:06:32,888 --> 01:06:34,621
All right, why don't
you keep that.
1561
01:06:34,624 --> 01:06:35,490
Cool.
1562
01:06:35,492 --> 01:06:36,424
Thanks a lot.
1563
01:06:36,426 --> 01:06:37,759
Have a good night.
1564
01:06:37,761 --> 01:06:40,762
You, too. Thanks.
1565
01:06:40,763 --> 01:06:43,764
¶ And there's so much
I want to say ¶
1566
01:06:45,168 --> 01:06:51,339
¶ want to tell you
just how good it feels ¶
1567
01:06:52,542 --> 01:06:55,176
¶ when you look at me... ¶
1568
01:06:55,178 --> 01:06:56,177
hey.
1569
01:06:56,179 --> 01:06:57,679
Hey.
1570
01:07:00,717 --> 01:07:03,251
Where did you find this?
1571
01:07:03,253 --> 01:07:06,321
Internet.
1572
01:07:08,592 --> 01:07:11,326
Thank you.
1573
01:07:12,129 --> 01:07:13,261
I took it out of the box
1574
01:07:13,263 --> 01:07:14,462
so you could play with it.
1575
01:07:14,464 --> 01:07:17,132
It came in a box?
The original box?
1576
01:07:17,134 --> 01:07:18,266
Mm-hmm.
1577
01:07:18,268 --> 01:07:20,135
Where is it?
1578
01:07:20,137 --> 01:07:22,404
I tossed it. Why?
1579
01:07:23,407 --> 01:07:25,073
Why?
1580
01:07:26,309 --> 01:07:28,309
Never mind.
1581
01:07:36,153 --> 01:07:38,720
And then it happened.
1582
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:40,688
What?
1583
01:07:41,158 --> 01:07:43,625
We went where no 2 men
should ever go
1584
01:07:43,627 --> 01:07:44,759
without a prescription.
1585
01:07:44,761 --> 01:07:47,529
Trust me. You don't want
the details.
1586
01:07:47,531 --> 01:07:49,064
Are you nuts?
1587
01:07:49,066 --> 01:07:52,067
At my age, the details
are all I got.
1588
01:07:52,069 --> 01:07:54,269
[Moaning]
1589
01:07:54,271 --> 01:07:55,737
Take off your...
1590
01:07:55,739 --> 01:07:57,605
Ouch!
1591
01:07:57,607 --> 01:07:58,840
It's the remote.
1592
01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:01,776
¶ Whoa-oh-oh-a ¶
1593
01:08:01,778 --> 01:08:03,078
Eli: Let's not...
1594
01:08:03,080 --> 01:08:04,329
Tom: What?
1595
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:05,579
That's the back of my leg.
1596
01:08:05,582 --> 01:08:06,748
Oh, sorry.
1597
01:08:06,750 --> 01:08:08,516
Kidding. Kidding.
1598
01:08:08,518 --> 01:08:10,485
That's funny.
That's funny.
1599
01:08:10,487 --> 01:08:12,654
[Moaning]
1600
01:08:12,656 --> 01:08:14,122
Wait.
1601
01:08:14,124 --> 01:08:16,758
Don't you want to...
1602
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:18,626
You have a thingie?
1603
01:08:18,628 --> 01:08:20,128
Shut up. Shut up.
1604
01:08:20,130 --> 01:08:21,096
Thingie?
1605
01:08:21,098 --> 01:08:21,830
You know what I mean.
1606
01:08:21,832 --> 01:08:23,765
Do you know what I mean?
1607
01:08:23,767 --> 01:08:25,800
Yeah. Yeah.
1608
01:08:26,369 --> 01:08:31,106
¶ For I know not what I do ¶
1609
01:08:33,510 --> 01:08:34,476
tom?
1610
01:08:34,478 --> 01:08:35,376
Yeah?
1611
01:08:35,378 --> 01:08:37,278
Look at me.
1612
01:08:37,280 --> 01:08:38,880
I...Love you.
1613
01:08:38,882 --> 01:08:39,848
Oh, my God.
1614
01:08:39,850 --> 01:08:42,484
I love you.
1615
01:08:42,486 --> 01:08:46,154
Oh, my God.
1616
01:08:47,491 --> 01:08:52,127
¶ Every time I look at you ¶
1617
01:09:09,412 --> 01:09:11,279
I'm hungry.
1618
01:09:11,281 --> 01:09:13,548
Yeah? You like eggs?
1619
01:09:13,550 --> 01:09:16,551
Why don't I make us some eggs?
1620
01:09:17,587 --> 01:09:19,621
Well, I'm supposed to
meet my parents
1621
01:09:19,623 --> 01:09:21,789
at the country club for brunch.
1622
01:09:21,791 --> 01:09:23,858
Do you want to come?
1623
01:09:33,570 --> 01:09:34,502
Hey.
1624
01:09:34,504 --> 01:09:36,304
Hi, mom.
1625
01:09:36,306 --> 01:09:38,173
Hi, sweetheart.
1626
01:09:38,175 --> 01:09:39,874
Hey, dad.
1627
01:09:39,876 --> 01:09:40,875
Tom.
1628
01:09:40,877 --> 01:09:42,644
Um, this is Eli.
1629
01:09:42,646 --> 01:09:44,512
Hi. It's nice
to meet you.
1630
01:09:44,514 --> 01:09:45,647
Hello, Eli.
1631
01:09:45,649 --> 01:09:46,414
Hi.
1632
01:09:46,416 --> 01:09:47,549
Nice to meet you.
1633
01:09:47,551 --> 01:09:49,617
Well, why don't
we all sit down?
1634
01:09:49,619 --> 01:09:52,720
Lydia and I can share a menu.
1635
01:09:53,523 --> 01:09:54,789
Waitress: I'll get
another set up.
1636
01:09:54,791 --> 01:09:57,725
Do you guys
want coffee or
juice or anything?
1637
01:09:57,727 --> 01:09:59,794
Yeah. Coffee
with milk.
1638
01:09:59,795 --> 01:10:01,862
Tom: Can I get a mimosa
and a coffee..And a water?
1639
01:10:01,865 --> 01:10:03,698
You'll fill up
on liquids, honey.
1640
01:10:03,700 --> 01:10:04,899
Save room for your meal.
1641
01:10:04,901 --> 01:10:06,334
Leave him alone, Lydia.
1642
01:10:06,336 --> 01:10:08,570
I wasn't criticizing him...
1643
01:10:08,571 --> 01:10:10,805
He's obviously old enough
to please himself.
1644
01:10:11,775 --> 01:10:12,907
Yeah. So, uh...
1645
01:10:12,909 --> 01:10:14,976
What have you guys been up to?
1646
01:10:14,978 --> 01:10:16,544
Well, not much really.
1647
01:10:16,546 --> 01:10:19,214
We got back from
keenan on Friday.
1648
01:10:19,216 --> 01:10:20,982
And, oh...
1649
01:10:20,983 --> 01:10:22,749
And then I took the girls
from my church group
1650
01:10:22,752 --> 01:10:24,953
to see the phantomof the opera.
1651
01:10:24,955 --> 01:10:26,354
Oh, is that still running?
1652
01:10:26,356 --> 01:10:27,989
It was Friday night.
1653
01:10:27,991 --> 01:10:30,725
Right. Right.
I didn't know.
1654
01:10:30,727 --> 01:10:32,827
75 bucks a shot...
it's absurd.
1655
01:10:32,829 --> 01:10:34,896
It's like throwing
money in the trash.
1656
01:10:34,898 --> 01:10:36,631
It's theater, Jim.
1657
01:10:36,633 --> 01:10:39,134
It's trash, Lydia.
1658
01:10:39,135 --> 01:10:41,636
All right. All right.
But how was it up in keenan?
1659
01:10:44,241 --> 01:10:45,306
What?
What's wrong?
1660
01:10:45,308 --> 01:10:47,242
Now's not the time, honey.
1661
01:10:47,244 --> 01:10:51,813
So there's a right time
to ask about Amy?
1662
01:10:53,250 --> 01:10:54,882
Stupid.
Excuse me.
1663
01:10:54,884 --> 01:10:56,935
You heard me, Lydia.
1664
01:10:56,936 --> 01:10:58,987
You talk to me
like that, you'll see
what you get from me.
1665
01:10:58,989 --> 01:11:00,488
Is that a threat, Lydia?
1666
01:11:00,490 --> 01:11:01,723
Dad, could you not...
1667
01:11:01,725 --> 01:11:02,957
shut up, tom.
1668
01:11:02,959 --> 01:11:05,526
Oh, that's rich.
1669
01:11:09,032 --> 01:11:10,398
Let's go.
1670
01:11:10,400 --> 01:11:12,267
Come on. Let's go.
1671
01:11:12,269 --> 01:11:14,936
Let go of me.
Don't do that.
1672
01:11:14,938 --> 01:11:17,939
Lydia: Don't do that.
Get your hands off me.
1673
01:11:17,941 --> 01:11:21,276
Jim: I told you...
1674
01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:24,612
Lydia: You always do this.
You always pull a scene.
1675
01:11:32,922 --> 01:11:34,689
Let's go.
1676
01:11:35,425 --> 01:11:37,825
Eli: Tom. Tom,
the valet's that way.
1677
01:11:37,827 --> 01:11:41,996
I'm not ready.
If you want to go,
I'll take a cab.
1678
01:11:51,975 --> 01:11:54,409
It's a nice club.
1679
01:11:54,911 --> 01:11:56,411
You think if
I were half-Jewish,
1680
01:11:56,413 --> 01:11:59,347
they'd let me
halfway in the pool?
1681
01:12:04,487 --> 01:12:06,821
I'm really sorry.
1682
01:12:08,325 --> 01:12:11,759
You didn't do anything.
1683
01:12:14,331 --> 01:12:16,364
Who's Amy?
1684
01:12:19,936 --> 01:12:21,736
She's my sister.
1685
01:12:21,738 --> 01:12:25,039
What? I didn't know
you had a sister.
1686
01:12:27,844 --> 01:12:29,777
Ok. I have
a sister... Amy.
1687
01:12:29,779 --> 01:12:33,448
She lives up north
at a special needs
facility.
1688
01:12:33,450 --> 01:12:35,483
Was she in an accident?
1689
01:12:35,484 --> 01:12:37,517
No. No. F.A.S....
Do you know what that is?
1690
01:12:37,520 --> 01:12:39,654
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Any other questions?
1691
01:12:39,656 --> 01:12:42,056
Hey, pal, I'm on
your side, remember?
1692
01:12:42,058 --> 01:12:44,792
I don't want anyone
on my side, remember?
1693
01:12:44,794 --> 01:12:47,862
You think just
because we fucked,
1694
01:12:47,864 --> 01:12:49,914
that makes us "we"?
1695
01:12:49,915 --> 01:12:51,965
I didn't ask for this,
for you, so just stop.
1696
01:12:51,968 --> 01:12:54,569
You called me, remember,
so make up your
fucking mind!
1697
01:12:54,571 --> 01:12:58,773
How many ways do you
need to be told to
leave me the fuck alone?
1698
01:12:58,775 --> 01:13:00,875
You know what, asshole?
1699
01:13:00,877 --> 01:13:02,877
Just one.
1700
01:13:15,625 --> 01:13:17,558
Alls I know...
1701
01:13:17,560 --> 01:13:18,626
all I know
1702
01:13:18,628 --> 01:13:21,696
is if
I wasn't loaded
half the time,
1703
01:13:21,698 --> 01:13:23,898
I probably wouldn't
be in this mess.
1704
01:13:23,900 --> 01:13:25,733
Don't you feel like
the older you get,
1705
01:13:25,735 --> 01:13:27,769
the less you really
know about anything?
1706
01:13:27,771 --> 01:13:29,837
Absolutely.
I don't know shit.
1707
01:13:29,839 --> 01:13:33,107
People think just
because I managed
to make it to 60
1708
01:13:33,109 --> 01:13:35,109
without getting
a Colombian necklace
1709
01:13:35,111 --> 01:13:37,078
or run over
by a u.P.S. Truck
1710
01:13:37,080 --> 01:13:40,748
that I have the answers
to life's questions.
1711
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:43,484
Great. Great.
So there's no hope.
1712
01:13:43,486 --> 01:13:44,952
Ah, don't do that.
1713
01:13:44,954 --> 01:13:46,687
See, I'm not
that deepshak Oprah
1714
01:13:46,689 --> 01:13:48,689
or whatever the hell
he calls himself...
1715
01:13:48,691 --> 01:13:50,892
who tells you,
you believe in yourself,
1716
01:13:50,894 --> 01:13:52,827
you can do anything.
Pish.
1717
01:13:52,829 --> 01:13:54,479
Alls I know is
1718
01:13:54,480 --> 01:13:56,130
you keep your 2 eyes
on your own paper
1719
01:13:56,132 --> 01:13:58,199
and both hands on the wheel.
1720
01:13:58,201 --> 01:14:02,003
And a multivitamin can't hurt.
1721
01:14:02,505 --> 01:14:04,505
So I guess the lesson
is the same with booze
1722
01:14:04,507 --> 01:14:07,175
as it is with guys:
Wanting it
and having it...
1723
01:14:07,177 --> 01:14:09,944
totally not the same thing.
1724
01:14:10,447 --> 01:14:13,181
I'll be right back...
bathroom.
1725
01:14:24,093 --> 01:14:25,092
Hey.
1726
01:14:25,094 --> 01:14:28,229
Sometimes I think
you can want it
1727
01:14:28,231 --> 01:14:30,598
and have it.
1728
01:14:31,468 --> 01:14:34,869
Isn't that what happens now?
1729
01:14:34,871 --> 01:14:36,571
Now?
1730
01:14:36,573 --> 01:14:37,805
Oh, what do you mean...
1731
01:14:37,807 --> 01:14:39,674
about Eli being at the wedding?
1732
01:14:39,676 --> 01:14:42,176
No, that's not what I meant.
1733
01:14:43,680 --> 01:14:45,246
Oh, wait, wait...
1734
01:14:45,248 --> 01:14:46,948
no, no, you wait a minute.
1735
01:14:46,950 --> 01:14:48,216
You made me wait too long.
1736
01:14:48,218 --> 01:14:50,084
You think too much, buddy.
1737
01:14:50,086 --> 01:14:51,719
Told you... negative.
1738
01:14:51,721 --> 01:14:53,154
Esther: Great.
1739
01:14:53,156 --> 01:14:56,524
So I guess that's it.
1740
01:14:56,526 --> 01:14:58,142
It's nice meeting you.
1741
01:14:58,143 --> 01:14:59,759
Oh, you're going to be
seeing a lot more of me.
1742
01:14:59,762 --> 01:15:02,497
You'll see. You know,
now that I'm off relationships
1743
01:15:02,499 --> 01:15:04,499
and just doing
one-night stands.
1744
01:15:04,501 --> 01:15:05,933
Yeah. Sure.
1745
01:15:05,935 --> 01:15:07,268
Take a condom.
1746
01:15:07,270 --> 01:15:09,237
Used to put candy in this.
1747
01:15:09,239 --> 01:15:12,240
Anyway, I'm sorry
I talked your ear off.
1748
01:15:12,242 --> 01:15:17,144
Please. It's better
than a fucking movie,
sweetheart.
1749
01:15:17,146 --> 01:15:20,014
Oh, don't you need
a parking validation?
1750
01:15:20,016 --> 01:15:22,149
Oh, God, right.
Thank you.
1751
01:15:22,151 --> 01:15:23,184
Thanks.
1752
01:15:23,186 --> 01:15:24,252
[Telephone rings]
1753
01:15:24,254 --> 01:15:25,753
Oh, wait a second, hon.
1754
01:15:25,755 --> 01:15:28,155
Feedback clinic,
this is Esther.
1755
01:15:28,157 --> 01:15:30,591
Oh, hi, honey.
1756
01:15:30,593 --> 01:15:32,927
How you doing?
1757
01:15:32,929 --> 01:15:34,445
What?
1758
01:15:34,446 --> 01:15:35,962
No, what?
Go ahead, ask me.
1759
01:15:35,965 --> 01:15:40,301
Well, I'm not a mind reader.
1760
01:15:40,303 --> 01:15:42,036
You ever seen me on the fucking
1761
01:15:42,038 --> 01:15:44,005
psychic friends
network channel?
1762
01:15:44,007 --> 01:15:45,840
So what... all right...
1763
01:15:45,842 --> 01:15:48,809
would you just
shut up for a minute?
1764
01:15:48,811 --> 01:15:51,879
Ok, so don't tell me.
1765
01:15:52,849 --> 01:15:55,783
Trust me, Esther,
one-night stands.
1766
01:15:55,785 --> 01:15:59,220
It's all black-and-white
for you, isn't it?
1767
01:15:59,222 --> 01:16:00,187
What?
1768
01:16:00,189 --> 01:16:02,790
I have been married
to that putz
1769
01:16:02,792 --> 01:16:04,225
for 42 years.
1770
01:16:04,227 --> 01:16:07,194
The strongest, healthiest man
1771
01:16:07,196 --> 01:16:08,195
all his life.
1772
01:16:08,197 --> 01:16:11,699
And all of a sudden
he gets sick...
1773
01:16:11,701 --> 01:16:14,001
lung cancer.
1774
01:16:14,003 --> 01:16:18,105
He never smoked
a day in his life.
1775
01:16:18,107 --> 01:16:20,875
Pretty fucking
ironic, isn't it?
1776
01:16:20,877 --> 01:16:23,277
He's even got someone
taking care of him
1777
01:16:23,279 --> 01:16:27,181
in the afternoon...
just like a little boy.
1778
01:16:28,051 --> 01:16:29,750
But he's dying.
1779
01:16:29,752 --> 01:16:32,219
And if I stop Hawking him
1780
01:16:32,221 --> 01:16:34,021
and giving him shit,
1781
01:16:34,023 --> 01:16:35,923
and calling him an asshole,
1782
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:38,092
he'll know he's dying.
1783
01:16:38,094 --> 01:16:40,328
So I don't stop.
1784
01:16:41,097 --> 01:16:42,763
Plus, he is an asshole,
1785
01:16:42,765 --> 01:16:45,333
so that's a bonus.
1786
01:16:47,170 --> 01:16:49,670
So I've got my
grandmother's ring.
1787
01:16:49,672 --> 01:16:51,005
That's old and borrowed.
1788
01:16:51,007 --> 01:16:53,074
And Rachel got me
that blue thong.
1789
01:16:53,076 --> 01:16:54,726
Ooh, hoochie floss.
1790
01:16:54,727 --> 01:16:56,377
You got something else
that's new and blue?
1791
01:16:56,379 --> 01:16:58,312
Oh, actually, yeah, I do.
1792
01:16:58,314 --> 01:17:02,617
Holy shit, tom!
What happened?
1793
01:17:02,619 --> 01:17:04,318
Bad date.
1794
01:17:04,320 --> 01:17:05,386
What did you do,
1795
01:17:05,388 --> 01:17:07,755
pick him up on the street?
1796
01:17:07,757 --> 01:17:09,490
Worse. Aa.
1797
01:17:09,491 --> 01:17:11,224
Apparently, he uses sex
to work through anger,
1798
01:17:11,227 --> 01:17:14,996
which is fine when you're
not quite that angry.
1799
01:17:14,998 --> 01:17:17,798
What am I going to do with you?
1800
01:17:17,800 --> 01:17:20,368
I smell a lecture.
1801
01:17:20,370 --> 01:17:21,335
Fuck you, tom.
1802
01:17:21,337 --> 01:17:24,071
Ok, you blow off
a great guy...
1803
01:17:24,073 --> 01:17:25,973
who by the way
doesn't hit...
1804
01:17:25,974 --> 01:17:27,874
because he made
the tragic mistake
of falling for you.
1805
01:17:27,877 --> 01:17:30,778
And instead
you're doing
ike and Tina Turner
1806
01:17:30,780 --> 01:17:32,747
with some asshole from aa.
1807
01:17:32,748 --> 01:17:34,715
Well, you know,
at least he's not
at Williams-sonoma
1808
01:17:34,717 --> 01:17:38,285
registering for
a commitment ceremony.
1809
01:17:39,389 --> 01:17:41,122
You're right.
1810
01:17:41,123 --> 01:17:42,856
You're right.
Eli is such a loser.
1811
01:17:42,859 --> 01:17:45,159
I'm going home.
1812
01:18:00,343 --> 01:18:03,110
Holy shit.
1813
01:18:04,013 --> 01:18:05,379
What's the matter?
1814
01:18:05,381 --> 01:18:07,415
What? Nothing.
1815
01:18:07,417 --> 01:18:09,417
Bullshit. Why aren't
you getting dressed?
1816
01:18:09,419 --> 01:18:12,453
I'm nervous about
seeing tom at the wedding.
1817
01:18:12,455 --> 01:18:14,072
That's all.
1818
01:18:14,073 --> 01:18:15,690
See, only you could
turn my wedding day
1819
01:18:15,692 --> 01:18:18,159
into the Eli wyckoff show.
You know that?
1820
01:18:18,161 --> 01:18:19,860
I'm sorry, ok?
Believe me,
1821
01:18:19,862 --> 01:18:22,096
nobody can hate me
as much as I do.
1822
01:18:22,098 --> 01:18:23,731
Oh, my God. You know,
1823
01:18:23,732 --> 01:18:25,365
you have to change
the fucking record, man.
1824
01:18:25,368 --> 01:18:27,852
You have to stop!
1825
01:18:27,853 --> 01:18:30,337
You cannot make this be
the be-all, end-all
of your entire life!
1826
01:18:30,339 --> 01:18:32,023
I'm not.
1827
01:18:32,024 --> 01:18:33,708
Yeah, that's exactly
what you're doing.
Let me tell you something.
1828
01:18:33,710 --> 01:18:35,743
Love, right?
It's going to come up,
and it's just going to
1829
01:18:35,745 --> 01:18:39,313
whack you on the back
of the head before you
even know what hit you.
1830
01:18:39,315 --> 01:18:40,665
I don't believe that.
1831
01:18:40,666 --> 01:18:42,016
This is what happened
to me and Jackie.
1832
01:18:42,018 --> 01:18:43,551
You and Jackie were lucky.
1833
01:18:43,552 --> 01:18:45,085
You know, you're so...
you're unbelievable.
1834
01:18:45,088 --> 01:18:46,887
I was miserable
before I met her,
1835
01:18:46,889 --> 01:18:48,255
and it just happens, you know?
1836
01:18:48,257 --> 01:18:50,124
I mean, you're
a fucking amazing guy.
1837
01:18:50,126 --> 01:18:51,726
You don't have to
do this. Don't do...
1838
01:18:51,728 --> 01:18:54,495
please shut up.
You're a great guy,
you know.
1839
01:18:54,497 --> 01:18:56,264
I mean, if I were into guys,
1840
01:18:56,265 --> 01:18:58,032
we'd be in China right now
picking out a baby.
1841
01:18:58,034 --> 01:18:59,233
Thank God I'm not, but...
1842
01:18:59,235 --> 01:19:01,302
I'm kidding.
You know I love the gays.
1843
01:19:01,304 --> 01:19:03,003
And we appreciate it.
1844
01:19:03,005 --> 01:19:05,039
Guys.
1845
01:19:05,041 --> 01:19:06,174
Uh, Mitch.
1846
01:19:06,175 --> 01:19:07,308
I don't know if it's just me,
1847
01:19:07,310 --> 01:19:08,743
but I'm loving this tux.
1848
01:19:08,745 --> 01:19:10,010
You like the tux?
1849
01:19:10,012 --> 01:19:12,563
Mitch: Loving it.
1850
01:19:12,564 --> 01:19:15,115
Mitch, remember
how we discussed
the ritalin situation?
1851
01:19:19,455 --> 01:19:22,490
Just please put on your pants.
1852
01:19:22,492 --> 01:19:24,391
Or get a tan.
1853
01:19:24,393 --> 01:19:25,960
Get doubles.
I want all of these.
1854
01:19:25,962 --> 01:19:27,394
Oh, yeah.
When my sister
got married,
1855
01:19:27,396 --> 01:19:30,431
the best pictures were,
like, from the instamatics.
1856
01:19:30,433 --> 01:19:32,433
Your sister got married?
1857
01:19:32,435 --> 01:19:34,385
Yes.
1858
01:19:34,386 --> 01:19:36,336
Jesus. Fuck.
What is my problem?
1859
01:19:36,339 --> 01:19:38,405
I'm like man poison...
1860
01:19:38,407 --> 01:19:40,875
fucking penis raid.
1861
01:19:40,877 --> 01:19:42,243
Whatever.
1862
01:19:42,245 --> 01:19:43,277
Ok, girls...
1863
01:19:43,279 --> 01:19:44,779
How do I look?
1864
01:19:44,781 --> 01:19:46,280
Oh, my God.
1865
01:19:46,282 --> 01:19:48,983
You look like a movie star.
1866
01:19:48,985 --> 01:19:51,452
Really?
Yes.
1867
01:19:51,454 --> 01:19:52,809
Seriously.
1868
01:19:52,810 --> 01:19:54,165
Oh, Christ.
In a million years,
1869
01:19:54,166 --> 01:19:55,521
I never thought
I'd be wearing
white this soon.
1870
01:19:55,525 --> 01:19:57,925
Yeah, well,
you shouldn't be,
unless you want me
1871
01:19:57,927 --> 01:20:00,528
to call the pope
and tell him
it happened again.
1872
01:20:00,530 --> 01:20:03,331
Hey, I would have
worn the cream one,
1873
01:20:03,332 --> 01:20:06,133
except for it made me
look like a Jenny Craig
"before" picture.
1874
01:20:06,135 --> 01:20:08,235
Are you crazy?
1875
01:20:08,237 --> 01:20:10,237
Where's tom?
1876
01:20:10,239 --> 01:20:12,239
He's out on the patio.
1877
01:20:12,240 --> 01:20:14,240
I mean, he is a man,
after all.
What?
1878
01:20:14,241 --> 01:20:16,241
Repellent, remember?
Gay or straight...
doesn't matter.
1879
01:20:16,245 --> 01:20:18,379
Hey, put that out.
1880
01:20:18,381 --> 01:20:20,114
You're killing my unborn child.
1881
01:20:20,116 --> 01:20:22,383
I was aiming a little higher.
1882
01:20:22,385 --> 01:20:24,218
Oh, nice.
1883
01:20:24,219 --> 01:20:26,052
What are you doing out here?
1884
01:20:26,055 --> 01:20:28,122
[Sighs]
1885
01:20:29,559 --> 01:20:33,594
Oh, my God!
Eli was stalking you?
1886
01:20:33,596 --> 01:20:36,363
That is so romantic.
1887
01:20:36,365 --> 01:20:38,065
Well, not to me.
1888
01:20:38,067 --> 01:20:40,067
Oh. Oh, that's right,
that's right,
1889
01:20:40,069 --> 01:20:42,002
but if he tried to kill you,
1890
01:20:42,004 --> 01:20:44,572
then you'd be picking
out China patterns.
1891
01:20:44,574 --> 01:20:47,441
Hey, you all right?
1892
01:20:47,443 --> 01:20:49,410
Yeah. Yeah.
1893
01:20:49,412 --> 01:20:50,845
Just... You're
getting married.
1894
01:20:50,847 --> 01:20:53,347
I'm having abandonment issues.
1895
01:20:53,349 --> 01:20:55,449
I'm just extending
the family, babe.
1896
01:20:55,451 --> 01:20:56,951
Woman: Jackie,
let's go!
1897
01:20:56,953 --> 01:20:59,186
We'll be right there!
1898
01:20:59,188 --> 01:21:00,354
Oh...
1899
01:21:04,894 --> 01:21:08,429
Tom, I owe you an apology.
1900
01:21:08,431 --> 01:21:10,498
For what?
1901
01:21:10,499 --> 01:21:12,566
The way I've been
pressuring you
about Eli.
1902
01:21:12,568 --> 01:21:14,535
I realize I've just been trying
1903
01:21:14,536 --> 01:21:16,503
to make you
like everybody else,
and you're not...
1904
01:21:16,505 --> 01:21:20,608
And that's
one of the things
I love about you.
1905
01:21:20,610 --> 01:21:23,544
You're the only guy
I know who will
probably never find
1906
01:21:23,546 --> 01:21:27,615
that one person
to settle down with,
and still be very happy.
1907
01:21:27,617 --> 01:21:30,017
I envy that.
1908
01:21:30,019 --> 01:21:32,620
Woman: Jackie, get
your ass in here,
1909
01:21:32,622 --> 01:21:34,889
or I'm wearing the veil.
1910
01:21:34,891 --> 01:21:36,323
[Laughing]
1911
01:21:36,325 --> 01:21:38,525
We're coming!
1912
01:21:38,527 --> 01:21:40,928
But look at me. Shit!
1913
01:21:40,930 --> 01:21:44,365
I'm, like,
one step away from
den mother, p.T.A.,
1914
01:21:44,367 --> 01:21:46,433
and, "hi, honey,
I'm home!"
1915
01:21:46,435 --> 01:21:48,535
How the fuck did that happen?
1916
01:21:48,537 --> 01:21:50,504
I guess you fell in love.
1917
01:21:50,506 --> 01:21:53,007
What? Oh, no, no, no.
I just got lipstick
1918
01:21:53,009 --> 01:21:55,442
all over every single
one of my teeth.
1919
01:21:55,444 --> 01:21:58,946
How did I do that? Hmm.
1920
01:21:59,982 --> 01:22:04,685
All right.
Well, it's show time.
1921
01:22:04,687 --> 01:22:08,656
Rabbi: You may
exchange the rings.
1922
01:22:09,025 --> 01:22:12,493
Wow.
It's a nice one.
1923
01:22:17,333 --> 01:22:19,033
Rabbi: Congratulations!
1924
01:22:19,035 --> 01:22:21,568
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1925
01:22:21,570 --> 01:22:23,103
You may kiss the bride.
1926
01:22:23,105 --> 01:22:24,705
[Breaks glass]
1927
01:22:24,707 --> 01:22:26,006
Woman: Mazel tov!
1928
01:22:26,008 --> 01:22:28,676
[Guests applauding
and cheering]
1929
01:22:36,619 --> 01:22:39,019
[Music playing]
1930
01:22:57,206 --> 01:22:59,139
Eli.
1931
01:23:01,677 --> 01:23:02,676
Eli.
1932
01:23:02,678 --> 01:23:04,044
Yeah?
1933
01:23:04,046 --> 01:23:06,613
How... how long are
we going to have
1934
01:23:06,615 --> 01:23:09,350
to keep ignoring each other?
1935
01:23:09,352 --> 01:23:11,018
What?
1936
01:23:11,020 --> 01:23:12,519
I'm not ignoring you.
1937
01:23:12,521 --> 01:23:14,989
Are you ignoring me?
1938
01:23:14,990 --> 01:23:17,458
Come on, Eli.
You haven't returned
one of my phone calls,
1939
01:23:17,460 --> 01:23:21,261
and you've said
maybe 3 words to me
the entire day,
1940
01:23:21,263 --> 01:23:23,230
two of which were
"seafood newburg."
1941
01:23:23,232 --> 01:23:26,633
Which I have to say
was repulsive.
1942
01:23:26,635 --> 01:23:28,268
[Laughs]
1943
01:23:28,270 --> 01:23:30,471
Can I get some more
champagne? Champagne?
1944
01:23:30,473 --> 01:23:32,006
Um, no.
Can I get a...
1945
01:23:32,008 --> 01:23:33,691
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
1946
01:23:33,692 --> 01:23:35,375
Absolut Martini,
straight up, two olives.
Make it dirty.
1947
01:23:35,378 --> 01:23:39,079
No, no. Actually,
seltzer with lime,
please.
1948
01:23:39,582 --> 01:23:44,618
What? So now you're...
Not drinking?
1949
01:23:47,523 --> 01:23:51,091
Wow. Good for you.
1950
01:23:51,093 --> 01:23:53,394
Thanks.
1951
01:23:53,396 --> 01:23:54,595
I sort of had to.
1952
01:23:54,597 --> 01:23:57,564
I was slipping in the polls.
1953
01:23:57,800 --> 01:24:00,501
Yeah, well...
1954
01:24:00,502 --> 01:24:03,203
I, on the other hand,
need some more champagne.
1955
01:24:23,726 --> 01:24:25,225
Look, Eli,
I'm sorry I didn't...
1956
01:24:25,227 --> 01:24:28,162
you know what?
Let's not do any of that...
1957
01:24:28,164 --> 01:24:32,366
"I'm sorry
it didn't work out"
postmortem stuff, ok?
1958
01:24:33,069 --> 01:24:35,937
Ok.
1959
01:24:35,938 --> 01:24:38,806
Eli: Besides,
it will free up some time
to make fun of people...
1960
01:24:38,808 --> 01:24:42,443
Like Mitch, man of mystery,
teaching the rabbi
the macarena.
1961
01:24:42,445 --> 01:24:44,478
What is this, 1987?
1962
01:24:44,480 --> 01:24:46,464
Did you see Brett's mom?
1963
01:24:46,465 --> 01:24:48,449
I've never seen a woman
with more hair
on her back.
1964
01:24:48,451 --> 01:24:51,218
I know. I keep waiting
for the antifur activists
1965
01:24:51,220 --> 01:24:54,288
to storm in here
and throw paint on her.
1966
01:24:54,290 --> 01:24:56,223
Tom: Poor Brett
and Jackie.
1967
01:24:56,224 --> 01:24:58,157
They have no idea
what they've gotten
themselves into,
1968
01:24:58,160 --> 01:25:00,227
but they will...
mark my words.
1969
01:25:00,228 --> 01:25:02,295
See, first,
they'll only hang out
with other couples,
1970
01:25:02,298 --> 01:25:04,698
and then they'll start
doing the "we" thing.
1971
01:25:04,700 --> 01:25:07,768
"Oh, we love this,
and we hate that."
1972
01:25:07,770 --> 01:25:09,303
And ordering for each other,
1973
01:25:09,305 --> 01:25:11,238
because "that's what
we always have."
1974
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,640
Before you know it,
she'll be shopping
1975
01:25:13,642 --> 01:25:15,175
for lingerie at bloomingdale's,
1976
01:25:15,177 --> 01:25:16,510
and Brett, the poor loser,
1977
01:25:16,512 --> 01:25:18,412
will be outside
the dressing room
1978
01:25:18,414 --> 01:25:21,782
with her pocketbook in his lap.
1979
01:25:21,784 --> 01:25:23,250
Oh, my God.
1980
01:25:23,252 --> 01:25:26,253
You are so full of shit,
you know that?
1981
01:25:26,255 --> 01:25:29,389
You got this bullshit
"I don't need anyone" thing,
1982
01:25:29,391 --> 01:25:31,458
and you use that,
thinking it's going
to shield you
1983
01:25:31,460 --> 01:25:35,229
from the fact that
your parents were drunks,
had a lousy marriage,
1984
01:25:35,231 --> 01:25:36,864
and fucked up everyone
in their lives.
1985
01:25:36,866 --> 01:25:39,433
But it's your life now,
not theirs.
1986
01:25:39,435 --> 01:25:41,502
And what do you have
to show for it?
1987
01:25:41,504 --> 01:25:44,471
You're just
another self-hating
recovering alcoholic
1988
01:25:44,473 --> 01:25:49,877
with nothing to live for
but a Martini and a blow job.
1989
01:25:54,250 --> 01:25:56,884
Tom: Eli. Eli!
1990
01:25:56,886 --> 01:25:57,851
Hey!
1991
01:25:57,853 --> 01:25:59,853
[Pots and pans clatter]
1992
01:25:59,855 --> 01:26:02,389
Don't you dare sum me up!
1993
01:26:02,391 --> 01:26:04,791
You don't know
the first thing about me.
1994
01:26:04,793 --> 01:26:07,528
And that would be
whose fault?
Oh, God.
1995
01:26:07,530 --> 01:26:09,897
God. You know what?
1996
01:26:09,898 --> 01:26:12,265
It's so easy
for you, Mr. love isa many-splendored thing.
1997
01:26:12,268 --> 01:26:15,169
But you know what?
I've seen it. I've seen it.
1998
01:26:15,171 --> 01:26:18,272
My parents loved one another
"till death do us part,"
1999
01:26:18,274 --> 01:26:20,474
and believe me,
it practically came to that.
2000
01:26:20,476 --> 01:26:23,310
I mean, have you...
Have you ever heard
2001
01:26:23,312 --> 01:26:27,548
the sound of two people
suffocating one another?
2002
01:26:27,550 --> 01:26:29,483
Have you?
2003
01:26:29,484 --> 01:26:31,417
Or the sound of ice cubes
smashing against the wall,
2004
01:26:31,420 --> 01:26:34,354
or a pot roast being
shoved down the disposal?
2005
01:26:34,356 --> 01:26:38,425
No. How could you possibly,
with your touchy-feely,
2006
01:26:38,427 --> 01:26:41,528
"I'm ok, you're ok" parents?
2007
01:26:41,730 --> 01:26:45,365
I'm sorry I'm bursting
your little bubble,
2008
01:26:45,367 --> 01:26:47,935
but there are
a million guys out there
2009
01:26:47,937 --> 01:26:50,370
who can give you what you want.
2010
01:26:50,372 --> 01:26:54,541
I'm just not one of them.
2011
01:26:54,543 --> 01:26:56,610
I'm sorry.
2012
01:26:56,612 --> 01:27:00,380
You do the math.
2013
01:27:00,950 --> 01:27:02,749
You know what?
2014
01:27:02,751 --> 01:27:07,788
Fuck you
if that's the wrong use
of that expression.
2015
01:27:19,468 --> 01:27:24,471
¶ If I could bring you back ¶
2016
01:27:24,473 --> 01:27:28,375
¶ that'd be
the sweetest thing ¶
2017
01:27:28,377 --> 01:27:33,313
¶ if I could bring you back ¶
2018
01:27:33,315 --> 01:27:36,850
¶ I would do anything ¶
2019
01:27:36,852 --> 01:27:43,323
¶ if I could bring you back ¶
2020
01:27:43,325 --> 01:27:47,461
¶ to me ¶
2021
01:28:12,454 --> 01:28:16,356
I just wanted to say
before I go...
2022
01:28:16,959 --> 01:28:19,059
I'm sorry.
2023
01:28:20,929 --> 01:28:23,630
I don't want you
to leave here today
2024
01:28:23,632 --> 01:28:27,467
thinking that
you can't do this...
2025
01:28:27,469 --> 01:28:29,469
being a...
2026
01:28:31,740 --> 01:28:34,441
Because you can.
2027
01:28:34,743 --> 01:28:38,378
Tom, you are going
to meet someone...
2028
01:28:38,614 --> 01:28:43,550
And you are going
to be so great at this.
2029
01:28:43,552 --> 01:28:45,686
And it's not going to be
like your parents,
2030
01:28:45,688 --> 01:28:51,625
and... And it's not going
to be like it was with me.
2031
01:28:55,631 --> 01:28:57,964
Anyway, um...
2032
01:29:01,070 --> 01:29:03,337
I'll see you around.
2033
01:29:03,339 --> 01:29:05,005
Eli.
2034
01:29:06,408 --> 01:29:08,108
What?
2035
01:29:08,110 --> 01:29:11,945
What exactly do you want?
2036
01:29:13,949 --> 01:29:15,782
What... what do I?
2037
01:29:15,784 --> 01:29:16,917
Yeah.
2038
01:29:16,919 --> 01:29:19,886
Yeah, you.
2039
01:29:21,523 --> 01:29:27,394
I wanted... This to stop
being so fucking hard.
2040
01:29:30,366 --> 01:29:33,066
I want to meet your sister.
2041
01:29:35,838 --> 01:29:38,638
I want to be over
this part, you know,
2042
01:29:38,640 --> 01:29:41,541
so that I can
call you an asshole,
2043
01:29:41,543 --> 01:29:43,944
even when you're sick, and...
2044
01:29:43,946 --> 01:29:47,114
You'd still know
how much I love you.
2045
01:29:47,116 --> 01:29:48,532
Eli...
2046
01:29:48,533 --> 01:29:49,949
I don't know what
you call that, tom...
2047
01:29:49,952 --> 01:29:53,387
pocketbook-holding,
suffocating, maybe...
2048
01:29:53,389 --> 01:29:57,591
But if I could
ever have anything
even close to that...
2049
01:29:57,593 --> 01:29:59,593
Eli.
2050
01:30:21,517 --> 01:30:23,717
[Both laughing]
2051
01:30:25,454 --> 01:30:27,687
So I'm gonna go, ok?
2052
01:30:28,690 --> 01:30:31,057
Valet's got my car.
2053
01:30:31,059 --> 01:30:32,492
Got to...
2054
01:30:32,494 --> 01:30:36,129
Hey! There you are.
Oh, Eli! Hey.
2055
01:30:36,131 --> 01:30:37,080
Hey.
2056
01:30:37,081 --> 01:30:38,030
Uh, should I...
Or is...
2057
01:30:38,033 --> 01:30:39,833
Is everything ok?
2058
01:30:39,834 --> 01:30:41,634
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. What's up
with the braid?
2059
01:30:41,637 --> 01:30:44,438
Oh, uh, Brett did it.
It's a long story.
2060
01:30:44,440 --> 01:30:46,706
Ok, I need to take
a personal moment.
2061
01:30:46,708 --> 01:30:48,208
What's the matter?
You're not having fun?
2062
01:30:48,210 --> 01:30:50,177
Oh, I was till
about 5 minutes ago.
2063
01:30:50,179 --> 01:30:51,845
What happened?
2064
01:30:51,846 --> 01:30:53,512
I put my left foot in,
I put my left foot out,
2065
01:30:53,515 --> 01:30:56,783
I put my left foot in,
and then I threw up.
2066
01:30:56,785 --> 01:30:57,884
[Laughing]
2067
01:30:57,886 --> 01:30:59,753
The baby?
2068
01:30:59,754 --> 01:31:01,621
Uh, no. Brett's cousin Al
bumped his pokey
into my hokey,
2069
01:31:01,623 --> 01:31:03,707
and I borched, all right?
2070
01:31:03,708 --> 01:31:05,792
I think Brett is
the only normal person
in that family.
2071
01:31:05,794 --> 01:31:07,144
Yeah.
2072
01:31:07,145 --> 01:31:08,495
Ok, can we talk about
his brother Mitch?
2073
01:31:08,497 --> 01:31:09,830
Hello? Freaky mcfreak!
2074
01:31:09,831 --> 01:31:11,164
I know. The guy
wants to get into
cirque du soleil.
2075
01:31:11,166 --> 01:31:14,100
I swear to you,
he says he can
swallow his own leg.
2076
01:31:14,102 --> 01:31:16,803
Well... Yo, what's up?
2077
01:31:16,805 --> 01:31:18,138
How are you doin'?
2078
01:31:18,140 --> 01:31:20,474
What am I missing?
2079
01:31:20,475 --> 01:31:22,809
Oh, just a family
resemblance,
and I love you for it.
2080
01:31:22,811 --> 01:31:25,345
Ok. I don't know
what that means.
2081
01:31:25,346 --> 01:31:27,880
Uh, I'm really smashed.
I think I just made out
with the rabbi.
2082
01:31:27,883 --> 01:31:28,882
Is that...?
2083
01:31:28,884 --> 01:31:29,783
He is hot.
2084
01:31:29,785 --> 01:31:30,750
Is there gonna be dancing?
2085
01:31:30,752 --> 01:31:31,885
Are we gonna dance?
2086
01:31:31,887 --> 01:31:33,687
'Cause I promised the family
2087
01:31:33,688 --> 01:31:35,488
some hot man-on-man
action tonight.
2088
01:31:35,491 --> 01:31:36,656
You and me?
2089
01:31:36,658 --> 01:31:37,724
No.
2090
01:31:37,725 --> 01:31:38,791
I think he means me.
2091
01:31:38,794 --> 01:31:40,227
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
2092
01:31:40,229 --> 01:31:43,029
It's gonna be fun.
Come on, sweetheart.
2093
01:31:43,031 --> 01:31:45,499
Oh, look at that ass!
2094
01:31:45,501 --> 01:31:47,184
A little something like that,
2095
01:31:47,185 --> 01:31:48,868
or if you want,
we could do eighties style.
2096
01:31:48,871 --> 01:31:50,737
No? Come on.
Stuff like that,
2097
01:31:50,739 --> 01:31:52,839
and then maybe a little unh!
2098
01:31:52,841 --> 01:31:54,674
You know what I'm saying?
2099
01:31:54,676 --> 01:31:56,031
Eli: Ow. Ow.
2100
01:31:56,032 --> 01:31:57,387
Tom: You're stepping
on my foot.
2101
01:31:57,388 --> 01:31:58,743
Brett: How hot
does this broad
look tonight?
2102
01:31:58,747 --> 01:32:00,814
Tom, voice-over:
So I meant to tell you,
2103
01:32:00,816 --> 01:32:02,883
I finally saw
gone with the wind.
2104
01:32:02,885 --> 01:32:04,184
Eli, voice-over: And?
2105
01:32:04,186 --> 01:32:06,586
And... And I loved it.
2106
01:32:06,588 --> 01:32:08,121
Oh, thank God.
2107
01:32:08,122 --> 01:32:09,655
See, I think Scarlett
realizes in the end
2108
01:32:09,658 --> 01:32:11,825
that it was just fear
holding her back
2109
01:32:11,827 --> 01:32:13,760
from the guy
that she wanted to...
2110
01:32:13,762 --> 01:32:17,063
You know, hold her pocketbook.
2111
01:32:17,065 --> 01:32:18,265
Yeah.
2112
01:32:18,267 --> 01:32:20,834
And the thing
about rhett Butler...
2113
01:32:20,836 --> 01:32:21,801
Yeah?
2114
01:32:21,803 --> 01:32:24,104
He wasn't
very fuzzy... Was he?
2115
01:32:24,106 --> 01:32:27,941
¶ I'm gonna make you love me ¶
2116
01:32:27,943 --> 01:32:31,912
¶ I'm gonna dry your tears ¶
2117
01:32:31,914 --> 01:32:34,848
¶ and we're
gonna stay together ¶
2118
01:32:34,850 --> 01:32:38,785
¶ for a million years ¶
2119
01:32:44,960 --> 01:32:48,962
¶ it's the least I can do ¶
2120
01:32:48,964 --> 01:32:52,933
¶ just to make you my baby ¶
2121
01:32:52,935 --> 01:32:57,003
¶ no words could describe ¶
2122
01:32:57,005 --> 01:33:01,007
¶ oh, pinch me, I'm dreamin' ¶
2123
01:33:01,009 --> 01:33:04,911
¶ your hair's long and black ¶
2124
01:33:04,913 --> 01:33:08,882
¶ as it lays 'cross my pillow ¶
2125
01:33:08,884 --> 01:33:12,786
¶ when I stare in your eyes ¶
2126
01:33:12,788 --> 01:33:16,256
¶ I get lost in your glory ¶
2127
01:33:16,258 --> 01:33:20,060
¶ I'll never leave ¶
2128
01:33:20,062 --> 01:33:22,262
¶ oh, you want me to ¶
2129
01:33:22,264 --> 01:33:25,932
¶ but that's all right ¶
2130
01:33:26,969 --> 01:33:31,037
¶ I'm gonna make you love me ¶
2131
01:33:31,039 --> 01:33:33,673
¶ I'm gonna dry your tears ¶
2132
01:33:33,675 --> 01:33:35,041
¶ dry all the tears ¶
2133
01:33:35,043 --> 01:33:38,044
¶ and we're
gonna stay together ¶
2134
01:33:38,046 --> 01:33:39,079
¶ for a million ¶
2135
01:33:39,081 --> 01:33:43,049
¶ I'm gonna make you love me ¶
2136
01:33:43,051 --> 01:33:45,719
¶ I'm gonna dry your tears ¶
2137
01:33:45,721 --> 01:33:46,920
¶ dry all the tears ¶
2138
01:33:46,922 --> 01:33:49,789
¶ and we're
gonna stay together ¶
2139
01:33:49,791 --> 01:33:53,126
¶ for a million years ¶
2140
01:33:58,967 --> 01:34:00,200
[song ends]
2141
01:34:00,202 --> 01:34:03,136
[New song begins]
2142
01:34:09,411 --> 01:34:13,913
¶ If the silence
doesn't kill you ¶
2143
01:34:13,915 --> 01:34:17,817
¶ then illusion will ¶
2144
01:34:20,188 --> 01:34:23,223
¶ and you're starin'
at the sky ¶
2145
01:34:23,225 --> 01:34:29,129
¶ but the moon ain't
gonna pay our bills ¶
2146
01:34:30,932 --> 01:34:34,100
¶ and we're laughin'
'bout it loud ¶
2147
01:34:34,102 --> 01:34:39,339
¶ when, oh, you know
it ain't no joke ¶
2148
01:34:41,109 --> 01:34:45,779
¶ you seem them
cake the roads with glitter ¶
2149
01:34:45,781 --> 01:34:50,116
¶ trade your dreams for smoke ¶
2150
01:34:53,021 --> 01:34:56,022
¶ teardrops in the treetops ¶
2151
01:34:56,024 --> 01:35:01,795
¶ the wind is whistlin'
through the Mountain's teeth ¶
2152
01:35:03,231 --> 01:35:11,231
¶ a song for
every wounded dove ¶
2153
01:35:15,477 --> 01:35:19,345
¶ but we're out further ¶
2154
01:35:19,347 --> 01:35:24,150
¶ than the rainbow's edge ¶
2155
01:35:24,720 --> 01:35:29,055
¶ going down,
down to the roots ¶
2156
01:35:29,057 --> 01:35:32,092
¶ of love ¶
2157
01:35:32,094 --> 01:35:34,494
captioning made possible by
trimark pictures
2158
01:35:34,496 --> 01:35:37,016
captioned by the national
captioning institute
... Www.Ncicap.Org...
154136
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