Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:06,047
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:06,147 --> 00:00:07,529
Don't do drugs!
3
00:00:07,629 --> 00:00:09,211
We're gonna build
Listen-To-Me Pickles.
4
00:00:09,311 --> 00:00:10,652
I should go talk to Peter.
5
00:00:10,752 --> 00:00:12,154
I don't think your wife
wants that to happen,
6
00:00:12,234 --> 00:00:14,056
but he wants to
talk to you though.
7
00:00:14,156 --> 00:00:15,818
I learned English
from watching your show.
8
00:00:15,918 --> 00:00:17,660
His name is Josip Butkevich.
9
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,782
He's some Croatian voice actor.
10
00:00:19,882 --> 00:00:21,704
I have to write
a $600,000 check
11
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,706
so the IRS won't pummel me.
12
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,148
You're gonna put Puppet Time
back on the air.
13
00:00:25,248 --> 00:00:27,250
Not Dad.
You.
14
00:00:32,976 --> 00:00:35,359
♪ Jack and Jill
went up the hill ♪
15
00:00:35,459 --> 00:00:38,482
♪ To fetch a pail of water ♪
16
00:00:38,582 --> 00:00:40,685
♪ Jack fell down
and broke his crown ♪
17
00:00:40,785 --> 00:00:43,768
♪ And Jill came
tumbling after ♪
18
00:00:54,039 --> 00:00:56,041
speaking native language
19
00:01:10,577 --> 00:01:12,579
We need friends...
20
00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,482
Friends to laugh with,
21
00:01:15,582 --> 00:01:17,004
friends to share with,
22
00:01:17,104 --> 00:01:19,326
friends to play with,
23
00:01:19,426 --> 00:01:21,329
friends to learn with.
24
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:24,132
We need friends because
friends help us grow.
25
00:01:25,633 --> 00:01:27,415
Friends help us grow?
26
00:01:27,515 --> 00:01:28,657
True friends do.
27
00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:30,619
True friend do.
28
00:01:30,719 --> 00:01:32,781
But what's
a true friend, Mr. Pickles?
29
00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:36,585
♪ A friend is someone
that could tell you ♪
30
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:38,587
- When there's jelly...
- On your face.
31
00:01:40,770 --> 00:01:43,312
A friend is someone
you can tell any...
32
00:01:54,184 --> 00:01:56,186
Josip.
33
00:02:02,673 --> 00:02:03,935
♪ When you need someone
to talk to ♪
34
00:02:04,035 --> 00:02:06,377
♪ You can always depend
on a friend ♪
35
00:02:06,477 --> 00:02:07,859
♪ A true friend ♪
36
00:02:07,959 --> 00:02:11,383
♪ A friend is someone
you call on the phone ♪
37
00:02:11,483 --> 00:02:13,225
♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪
38
00:02:43,918 --> 00:02:47,262
♪ A friend is someone
who will care for you so ♪
39
00:02:47,362 --> 00:02:51,066
♪ When you feel a little broken,
they can make you feel whole ♪
40
00:02:51,166 --> 00:02:53,949
♪ When the day feels lonely,
you can always depend ♪
41
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,572
♪ On a friend, a true... ♪
42
00:03:31,249 --> 00:03:33,071
Hello from Ohio.
43
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,993
It's almost time
to have supper where you live,
44
00:03:35,093 --> 00:03:36,435
Serbia and Croatia.
45
00:03:36,535 --> 00:03:37,996
What are you having?
46
00:03:38,096 --> 00:03:41,120
I'm having a song for dinner.
A supper song.
47
00:03:47,507 --> 00:03:49,509
Do you think I sound like him?
48
00:03:52,312 --> 00:03:55,215
♪ A friend is someone
you can call on the phone ♪
49
00:03:55,315 --> 00:03:58,459
♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪
50
00:03:58,559 --> 00:04:02,343
♪ A friend is someone
who will care for your soul ♪
51
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:07,108
♪ When you feel broken,
they'll make you feel whole ♪
52
00:04:19,021 --> 00:04:21,023
Let's call it even.
53
00:04:31,755 --> 00:04:33,777
Hello, Jeff.
54
00:04:33,877 --> 00:04:36,540
This is Josip Butkevich.
55
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,344
You may remember me from
my puppet-based erotica website.
56
00:04:40,444 --> 00:04:43,788
I'm sorry your animated series
did not work out,
57
00:04:43,888 --> 00:04:46,951
and I hope that things
are better with your father.
58
00:04:47,051 --> 00:04:49,434
I know you won't
respond to this,
59
00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:52,877
but if you ever need a friend,
you have one
60
00:04:52,977 --> 00:04:57,362
on the border between
Serbia and Croatia.
61
00:05:07,379 --> 00:05:12,379
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
62
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,944
So, Mr. Pickles,
let's talk about this new doll.
63
00:05:17,044 --> 00:05:20,908
It's kind of like Alexa,
but instead of a computer,
64
00:05:21,008 --> 00:05:24,392
there's a middle-aged man
listening on the other end.
65
00:05:27,014 --> 00:05:29,717
Children deserve to be heard.
I chose to listen.
66
00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:34,523
You know, I-sorry,
but as a mother,
67
00:05:34,623 --> 00:05:36,445
and also
the first celebrity Barbie...
68
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:39,728
Oh.
69
00:05:39,828 --> 00:05:43,813
But I just have to say that
it's kind of surprising to me
70
00:05:43,913 --> 00:05:46,135
that parents are okay with this.
71
00:05:48,077 --> 00:05:50,580
They don't seem to mind giving
their children smartphones
72
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,464
with access to pornography
and livestream school shootings.
73
00:05:54,564 --> 00:05:57,227
Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant
to be an antidote to all that,
74
00:05:57,327 --> 00:06:00,230
a way to bypass
the depravity of social media,
75
00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:04,455
to give children the attention
they crave and so deserve.
76
00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:11,122
You had a show on air
for 30 years,
77
00:06:11,222 --> 00:06:13,124
and... now it's not.
78
00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:15,226
How is that affecting you?
79
00:06:17,469 --> 00:06:19,211
I miss seeing my friends,
80
00:06:19,311 --> 00:06:20,973
Snagglehorse
and Ennui Le Triste.
81
00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:23,375
Uke-Larry and Astronotter.
82
00:06:23,475 --> 00:06:25,097
- Aw...
- But I created a world
83
00:06:25,197 --> 00:06:28,060
where children could see me
and I couldn't see them.
84
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,264
Now I've created a way for us
to really connect
85
00:06:31,364 --> 00:06:33,626
and talk to each other.
86
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:36,389
I have more friends
now than I've ever had.
87
00:06:36,489 --> 00:06:38,572
Aww.
88
00:06:39,773 --> 00:06:44,078
Well, Mr. Pickles, you're gonna
have 200 more friends to talk to
89
00:06:44,178 --> 00:06:46,200
because everyone
in our studio audience
90
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:50,084
is getting a free
Listen-To-Me Pickles doll!
91
00:06:58,473 --> 00:07:00,696
Jeff, you don't have
a lot of friends, do you?
92
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:03,219
Oh, I have millions of them
in terms of Pickle pals.
93
00:07:03,319 --> 00:07:05,581
And I have my sister.
94
00:07:05,681 --> 00:07:07,223
And the children I speak to
95
00:07:07,323 --> 00:07:09,345
over an internet-connected doll.
96
00:07:09,445 --> 00:07:13,390
So... no, I guess I don't.
97
00:07:13,490 --> 00:07:15,151
You know,
an important part of recovery
98
00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:17,274
is just having somebody
to talk to.
99
00:07:17,374 --> 00:07:20,557
How's your pain
at the incision point?
100
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,239
Ah... a lot.
101
00:07:22,339 --> 00:07:24,642
- Even with the oxycodone?
- I haven't been taking those.
102
00:07:24,742 --> 00:07:26,404
Are you experiencing
side effects?
103
00:07:26,504 --> 00:07:28,206
I believe opiates
are overprescribed
104
00:07:28,306 --> 00:07:29,767
and highly addictive.
105
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,089
They've robbed children
of their parents
106
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:32,410
and parents of their children.
107
00:07:32,510 --> 00:07:33,932
I don't wanna be a part of that.
108
00:07:34,032 --> 00:07:35,814
But Jeff, you're gonna
feel a lot of pain.
109
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:38,136
Isn't there some kind
of alternative?
110
00:07:38,236 --> 00:07:41,580
Something non-addictive,
organic, all-natural?
111
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,142
I believe I can
accommodate that.
112
00:07:43,242 --> 00:07:44,944
Thank you.
113
00:07:45,044 --> 00:07:47,226
I'm gonna prescribe you
medical marijuana.
114
00:07:50,089 --> 00:07:51,631
Oh, God.
115
00:07:52,692 --> 00:07:55,715
Hey, Peter?
116
00:07:55,815 --> 00:07:57,717
You wanna
go to lunch sometime?
117
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:11,332
So how long you in Seattle?
118
00:08:11,432 --> 00:08:13,174
- Till I go to New York.
- What's in New York?
119
00:08:13,274 --> 00:08:14,696
Your competition.
120
00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:16,818
I'd write you a check right now
if it meant we could stream
121
00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:20,062
the last 30 years
of Puppet Time on our service.
122
00:08:20,162 --> 00:08:21,383
It's the new stuff
I'm uncomfortable
123
00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:24,026
putting Amazon's name on.
124
00:08:24,126 --> 00:08:26,188
I will buy the archives.
125
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,471
I told your dad I would.
126
00:08:28,571 --> 00:08:31,995
But I'm not putting you
back on the air.
127
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,837
You're worried about
Jeff having a filter.
128
00:08:33,937 --> 00:08:36,479
Right now,
he doesn't have a filter,
129
00:08:36,579 --> 00:08:38,802
and he's broadcasting every day
130
00:08:38,902 --> 00:08:40,724
through a network
of talking dolls
131
00:08:40,824 --> 00:08:42,526
because what the fuck?
132
00:08:44,588 --> 00:08:47,652
And who buys the dolls?
The parents.
133
00:08:47,752 --> 00:08:49,734
And what website
are they buying them on?
134
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:51,836
Ours.
135
00:08:52,356 --> 00:08:55,660
- How many dolls have you sold?
- I can't tell you that.
136
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,782
But you know the answer.
137
00:08:57,882 --> 00:09:00,786
Here are the rules.
We shoot in Columbus.
138
00:09:00,886 --> 00:09:03,709
Nobody tells Jeff
there are things he can't say.
139
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:05,711
I didn't realize
we were negotiating.
140
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,994
We keep total creative control.
141
00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:09,755
- Let me think about it.
- I'm not done.
142
00:09:09,855 --> 00:09:12,518
And every child in America
needs to be able
143
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:15,402
to watch the show
for free.
144
00:09:20,347 --> 00:09:22,369
When are you leaving
for New York?
145
00:09:22,469 --> 00:09:24,471
Wouldn't you like to know?
146
00:09:29,076 --> 00:09:31,379
So lunch, huh?
I love lunch.
147
00:09:31,479 --> 00:09:35,023
You wanna go out or stay in?
148
00:09:35,123 --> 00:09:37,125
I only have cereal.
149
00:09:38,006 --> 00:09:40,008
Yeah, that's fine.
150
00:09:48,017 --> 00:09:50,079
What's it like
having me inside you?
151
00:09:50,179 --> 00:09:51,881
The same,
152
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:54,324
except for the odd moment
I catch myself
153
00:09:54,424 --> 00:09:56,566
doing something
I've never done before,
154
00:09:56,666 --> 00:09:58,748
like learning to walk again.
155
00:10:01,792 --> 00:10:03,173
That was me joking.
156
00:10:03,273 --> 00:10:05,275
Sort of.
157
00:10:06,477 --> 00:10:08,139
So you didn't have to learn
how to walk again?
158
00:10:08,239 --> 00:10:10,361
No, I did.
159
00:10:12,643 --> 00:10:15,627
Do you remember
stealing my rocket ship?
160
00:10:15,727 --> 00:10:17,729
Ennui calling me a cocksucker?
161
00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:20,952
I don't think so.
162
00:10:21,052 --> 00:10:22,754
Oh.
163
00:10:22,854 --> 00:10:24,997
There was a second when
I thought our souls were fusing.
164
00:10:25,097 --> 00:10:28,961
No, my soul was crushed when
you ran over it with your car.
165
00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:30,763
Sorry.
166
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:33,526
I should've known
weed was a big deal for you
167
00:10:33,626 --> 00:10:37,651
after all those anti-drug PSAs
that you did in the '90s,
168
00:10:37,751 --> 00:10:41,455
not to mention how upset
you were over Will smoking up.
169
00:10:41,555 --> 00:10:42,856
I...
170
00:10:42,956 --> 00:10:45,379
I shouldn't have
offered you that joint.
171
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,481
Thanks for saying that.
172
00:10:48,843 --> 00:10:51,425
Can you help me find
some weed?
173
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,389
Hi.
Uh...
174
00:10:54,489 --> 00:10:56,631
I'm a doctor,
175
00:10:56,731 --> 00:10:59,194
and a patient of mine...
176
00:10:59,294 --> 00:11:01,677
who's a well-known
public figure...
177
00:11:01,777 --> 00:11:04,800
is waiting outside.
178
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:07,323
Um...
179
00:11:07,423 --> 00:11:08,924
It's important
for his reputation
180
00:11:09,024 --> 00:11:11,848
that no one sees him...
181
00:11:11,948 --> 00:11:14,490
buy marijuana,
so could we, like,
182
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,412
possibly clear
the establishment?
183
00:11:16,512 --> 00:11:18,295
Sorry, Doctor.
State law
184
00:11:18,395 --> 00:11:20,817
provides these patients
with the right to be here.
185
00:11:20,917 --> 00:11:22,539
We could lose our license.
186
00:11:24,361 --> 00:11:26,263
Well,
187
00:11:26,363 --> 00:11:28,986
don't wanna break the law.
188
00:11:29,086 --> 00:11:31,509
Who is it?
189
00:11:35,693 --> 00:11:37,395
Am I gonna regret this?
190
00:11:37,495 --> 00:11:40,679
If it makes a difference,
I've watched Puppet Time
191
00:11:40,779 --> 00:11:42,601
plenty of times while medicated.
192
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,723
Me too.
193
00:11:44,823 --> 00:11:46,805
All right.
194
00:11:46,905 --> 00:11:49,528
I always learn
something new about myself
195
00:11:49,628 --> 00:11:51,250
and about Pickle Barrel Falls.
196
00:11:51,350 --> 00:11:53,453
- Like what?
- Like how none of the puppets
197
00:11:53,553 --> 00:11:56,576
on the show are mothers,
which is weird.
198
00:11:56,676 --> 00:12:00,300
But then you realize
the water is your mom
199
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,102
because it's everywhere
200
00:12:02,202 --> 00:12:03,864
and it takes you anywhere
that you wanna go.
201
00:12:03,964 --> 00:12:06,066
But it also can't speak,
202
00:12:06,166 --> 00:12:09,069
so it's kinda like how
the hardest part of parenting
203
00:12:09,169 --> 00:12:11,432
is sending your kid
down the river of life
204
00:12:11,532 --> 00:12:13,714
and being both on the journey,
205
00:12:13,814 --> 00:12:17,358
but unable to steer the ship.
206
00:12:17,458 --> 00:12:20,242
Also,
Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.
207
00:12:20,342 --> 00:12:21,963
Oh.
208
00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:24,246
And Hopscotch the
Sasquatch might have leprosy
209
00:12:24,346 --> 00:12:26,528
'cause he's just down
to the one leg,
210
00:12:26,628 --> 00:12:28,531
but, you know, what do I know?
211
00:12:28,631 --> 00:12:31,013
I'm just high and a doctor.
212
00:12:31,113 --> 00:12:32,735
I definitely don't
wanna smoke anything.
213
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,018
You don't have
to smoke anything.
214
00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:39,963
How's your recovery?
215
00:12:41,885 --> 00:12:45,669
Well, I've, uh, lost
most of my liver.
216
00:12:45,769 --> 00:12:48,112
I had to quit smoking
cold turkey, stop drinking.
217
00:12:48,212 --> 00:12:50,314
I have acute
erectile dysfunction
218
00:12:50,414 --> 00:12:52,557
and I lost my job,
219
00:12:52,657 --> 00:12:54,999
but other than
those five examples,
220
00:12:55,099 --> 00:12:57,001
I'm really good.
221
00:12:57,101 --> 00:12:59,444
And you and Jill are...
the same?
222
00:12:59,544 --> 00:13:01,807
- We're a lot stronger now...
- Mm.
223
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:04,209
That I quit drinking,
stopped smoking,
224
00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,773
spent more time at home
since I've lost my job.
225
00:13:07,873 --> 00:13:10,576
Her teaching me
to walk upstairs again
226
00:13:10,676 --> 00:13:13,339
was a real relationship booster.
227
00:13:13,439 --> 00:13:17,383
Well, between you, me,
and Ennui Le Stoned,
228
00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:20,667
I too am having
a little issue with ED.
229
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,110
Not uncommon
after major surgery.
230
00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:25,312
Obviously,
it's different for you.
231
00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:27,995
Your car has a garage
to pull into.
232
00:13:28,095 --> 00:13:30,958
I'm parked on the street
at night
233
00:13:31,058 --> 00:13:32,520
and in the shower.
234
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:33,921
Here.
235
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:35,843
It's a tea
so you don't have to smoke it.
236
00:13:35,943 --> 00:13:39,327
And you dip it in water,
so it'll remind you of your mom.
237
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:42,691
Will you sip drugs with me?
238
00:13:42,791 --> 00:13:44,793
I don't wanna be alone
my first time.
239
00:13:46,555 --> 00:13:48,817
Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.
240
00:13:54,604 --> 00:13:58,308
This reminds me of the night
I lost my virginity.
241
00:13:58,408 --> 00:13:59,869
Was she a pot-sipper?
242
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:02,112
No, but we did it
in her grandmother's house
243
00:14:02,212 --> 00:14:04,354
and she had the same tea set.
244
00:14:04,454 --> 00:14:07,758
Nothing like a post-coital
digestive biscuit
245
00:14:07,858 --> 00:14:10,080
from Nana's treat jar.
246
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,503
I lost my virginity
to an older woman.
247
00:14:14,305 --> 00:14:15,767
Really?
248
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:17,729
I guess that I assumed
Jill was your one and only.
249
00:14:17,829 --> 00:14:20,532
She was my second
and most special.
250
00:14:20,632 --> 00:14:23,775
Mm-hmm.
Who was your first?
251
00:14:23,875 --> 00:14:27,219
I don't think I should say.
She was an actress.
252
00:14:27,319 --> 00:14:29,902
Oh.
Would I know her?
253
00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:32,665
She starred in a movie
254
00:14:32,765 --> 00:14:34,847
about the sound of music.
255
00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:41,054
Did you lose your virginity
to Julie Andrews?
256
00:14:44,097 --> 00:14:45,719
Mary Poppins?
257
00:14:45,819 --> 00:14:48,282
My sister calls her
Cherry Poppins.
258
00:14:48,382 --> 00:14:49,443
How old were you?
259
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,806
I was 16 going on 17.
260
00:14:51,906 --> 00:14:53,287
You're kidding.
261
00:14:53,387 --> 00:14:54,609
Yes.
262
00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:58,172
I was 28.
She was 59, but vivacious.
263
00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,335
You're familiar with
the 1995 Broadway season?
264
00:15:00,435 --> 00:15:02,057
I'm not.
No.
265
00:15:02,157 --> 00:15:05,701
I got to go backstage during
her run of Victor/Victoria.
266
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:09,345
Let's just say between
me and her Tony nomination,
267
00:15:09,445 --> 00:15:12,828
one she famously declined,
the other was me.
268
00:15:12,928 --> 00:15:14,870
Which one was she dressed as?
Victor or Victoria?
269
00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:17,033
A gentleman never tells.
270
00:15:18,054 --> 00:15:20,056
Mm.
271
00:15:21,818 --> 00:15:22,879
What are you two doing?
272
00:15:22,979 --> 00:15:24,961
Drinking weed.
273
00:15:25,061 --> 00:15:27,524
Cool.
274
00:15:27,624 --> 00:15:29,086
Don't forget to take these.
275
00:15:29,186 --> 00:15:31,849
They're so your liver doesn't
fall out of your ass.
276
00:15:31,949 --> 00:15:33,451
Enjoy whatever this is.
277
00:15:33,551 --> 00:15:35,813
Hey.
278
00:15:35,913 --> 00:15:37,915
Do you like my haircut?
279
00:15:40,438 --> 00:15:42,340
Later, Pancake.
280
00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:46,304
I like your haircut.
281
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:47,746
Why do you call her
"Pancake"?
282
00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,748
'Cause on our first date,
283
00:15:49,848 --> 00:15:52,111
we had pancakes.
284
00:15:52,211 --> 00:15:54,073
I'm not feeling anything
from this tea.
285
00:15:54,173 --> 00:15:56,876
I don't think I'm high,
but I have an idea.
286
00:15:56,976 --> 00:15:58,838
We find the tallest building
in the city.
287
00:15:58,938 --> 00:16:00,760
We ride the elevator
all the way to the top.
288
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,682
And if the elevator
is fast enough,
289
00:16:02,782 --> 00:16:05,445
it should push the blood
from our brains to our penises,
290
00:16:05,545 --> 00:16:09,169
solving our erectile disorders.
291
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,171
No, you're high.
292
00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:19,981
See you tomorrow
at the mediation.
293
00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:21,823
Don't sound so excited.
294
00:16:21,923 --> 00:16:23,545
Well, I'm not excited.
295
00:16:23,645 --> 00:16:25,987
I'll be excited when
you close that Amazon deal
296
00:16:26,087 --> 00:16:27,669
and I get half of it.
297
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,431
I'll be excited about
getting half the cash
298
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:32,234
you squirreled away instead
of giving it to charity.
299
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:34,437
But I'm not excited about
the mediation itself.
300
00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:37,440
That sounds boring.
301
00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:39,802
Aren't you gonna ask
why I'm in a tuxedo?
302
00:16:39,902 --> 00:16:42,846
I didn't notice.
303
00:17:08,013 --> 00:17:09,474
Tonight's honoree
304
00:17:09,574 --> 00:17:12,478
is one of the most selfless
individuals I have met
305
00:17:12,578 --> 00:17:15,441
in my 42 years helping children.
306
00:17:15,541 --> 00:17:18,865
Her generous donation
of nearly $1 million...
307
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:25,972
Will go directly
to a new program
308
00:17:26,072 --> 00:17:29,776
focused on Columbus'
most at-risk youth.
309
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:33,500
Deirdre's Kids:
No child left behind.
310
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:34,782
Ladies and gentlemen,
311
00:17:34,882 --> 00:17:37,345
Columbus'
Philanthropist of the Year,
312
00:17:37,445 --> 00:17:39,107
Deirdre Piccirillo.
313
00:17:47,536 --> 00:17:50,719
I've devoted my life...
314
00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:55,084
To giving a voice
to the voiceless,
315
00:17:55,184 --> 00:17:58,688
a hand to the handless,
316
00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,009
hope...
317
00:18:00,109 --> 00:18:02,772
Why didn't you clap for me?
318
00:18:06,516 --> 00:18:08,538
Really?
Nothing?
319
00:18:08,638 --> 00:18:10,581
I just won an award
320
00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:13,464
and a bunch of poor kids
got Chromebooks.
321
00:18:17,848 --> 00:18:19,751
Nothing?
Nada?
322
00:18:19,851 --> 00:18:22,313
I thought you were just
avoiding tax evasion.
323
00:18:22,413 --> 00:18:24,235
I'm talking to him.
324
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:27,479
Is this because you were wrong
about the listening doll?
325
00:18:27,579 --> 00:18:29,281
Is it because I'm getting
the show back on the air
326
00:18:29,381 --> 00:18:30,722
and you couldn't?
327
00:18:30,822 --> 00:18:34,166
No. I did not make
too many demands.
328
00:18:34,266 --> 00:18:36,729
I demanded our worth.
329
00:18:36,829 --> 00:18:38,451
He didn't say anything.
330
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:42,375
I'm aware.
331
00:18:42,475 --> 00:18:43,937
Would you please say
something?
332
00:18:44,037 --> 00:18:45,258
Anything?
Please?
333
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:47,601
They spelled your name wrong.
334
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:53,547
Where the fuck is Jeff?
335
00:18:53,647 --> 00:18:57,672
Your hand is glued
to that trophy, isn't it?
336
00:18:57,772 --> 00:18:59,774
No!
337
00:19:01,656 --> 00:19:03,598
I feel like I'm supposed
to be someplace.
338
00:19:07,262 --> 00:19:10,065
- Sorry, elevator's closed.
- For science.
339
00:19:11,787 --> 00:19:13,769
Okay, moment of truth.
340
00:19:13,869 --> 00:19:16,011
I'm nervous.
341
00:19:29,406 --> 00:19:32,309
Oh.
342
00:19:32,409 --> 00:19:33,911
You're a genius.
343
00:19:34,011 --> 00:19:36,634
No.
I failed.
344
00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:39,577
Fix me, Peter.
345
00:19:46,464 --> 00:19:49,528
It's the night of the
Von Trapp's big party.
346
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:51,890
Fraulein Maria
is out on the patio
347
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,612
teaching Friedrich
the Laendler.
348
00:19:53,712 --> 00:19:55,494
Stop.
Don't do that.
349
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,897
Captain appears in the doorway,
taps his son on the shoulder...
350
00:19:59,518 --> 00:20:02,101
Takes Maria's hand
in his crisp, white glove.
351
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,664
- Peter, please.
- Together at last.
352
00:20:04,764 --> 00:20:06,346
Their two bodies gliding
353
00:20:06,446 --> 00:20:08,468
in perfect synchronicity
under the Austrian moonlight.
354
00:20:08,568 --> 00:20:10,070
It's not gonna work.
355
00:20:10,170 --> 00:20:12,753
So lost in each other's eyes,
they don't even notice...
356
00:20:12,853 --> 00:20:15,636
Notice The Baroness approach.
357
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:17,158
He never loved her.
358
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:19,240
Never.
359
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,963
The Captain's heart
melts for Maria,
360
00:20:22,063 --> 00:20:23,965
but she made a vow to God,
361
00:20:24,065 --> 00:20:26,087
which is why
she breaks away from him.
362
00:20:26,187 --> 00:20:27,489
- Breathless.
- Yep.
363
00:20:27,589 --> 00:20:28,770
- Blushing.
- Uh-huh.
364
00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:30,492
- Beguiled
- Amen.
365
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,622
Thanks for spending time
with me.
366
00:20:39,722 --> 00:20:41,023
I hadn't been getting
out much.
367
00:20:41,123 --> 00:20:42,825
No, thanks for the liver.
368
00:20:45,248 --> 00:20:48,552
Um...
369
00:20:48,652 --> 00:20:50,594
now I should go see Jill.
370
00:20:50,694 --> 00:20:52,716
Oh.
371
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,678
I understand.
372
00:20:54,778 --> 00:20:57,922
I should go buy some ping pong
balls and a jar of mayonnaise.
373
00:20:58,022 --> 00:21:01,726
Ping pong balls go in a sock.
Mayonnaise in my hand.
374
00:21:01,826 --> 00:21:04,569
- To masturbate.
- Yeah.
375
00:21:04,669 --> 00:21:07,532
Well, good luck with Pancake.
376
00:21:07,632 --> 00:21:09,694
Thank you.
377
00:21:09,794 --> 00:21:13,178
Um...
378
00:21:13,278 --> 00:21:14,780
She really wants you
to sign those divorce papers.
379
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,062
Oh, right.
380
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:27,994
Why do you sound like me?
381
00:21:30,937 --> 00:21:33,480
I learned English
from watching your show.
382
00:21:33,580 --> 00:21:37,184
It was the only voice I heard,
so it's the only voice I have.
383
00:21:39,947 --> 00:21:41,729
Jeff?
384
00:21:41,829 --> 00:21:43,831
You still there?
385
00:21:46,674 --> 00:21:49,938
I have to say good-bye
to my best friend today,
386
00:21:50,038 --> 00:21:52,981
but I don't think
I can sign the papers.
387
00:21:53,081 --> 00:21:55,344
If I sign them,
I won't have any friends left.
388
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:56,946
I'm sorry, Jeff.
389
00:21:57,046 --> 00:21:58,788
If you're calling your
puppet erotica voice double
390
00:21:58,888 --> 00:22:00,910
for relationship advice,
391
00:22:01,010 --> 00:22:02,872
I believe you.
392
00:22:02,972 --> 00:22:05,114
So what should I do?
393
00:22:05,214 --> 00:22:08,158
You have to move on.
Sign the papers.
394
00:22:08,258 --> 00:22:10,480
Ugh.
I don't wanna do it alone.
395
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:13,263
I want her to be there with me.
396
00:22:16,787 --> 00:22:18,789
What's her number?
397
00:22:20,471 --> 00:22:22,473
It's okay.
You can trust me.
398
00:22:24,475 --> 00:22:26,017
Six-one-four,
one-two-four,
399
00:22:26,117 --> 00:22:27,419
four-three-two-four.
400
00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:34,106
Hi, it's Jill.
Sorry I missed your call.
401
00:22:34,206 --> 00:22:35,988
But please leave a message.
402
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:38,150
Hi, Jill.
It's me, Jeff.
403
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:40,393
I'm gonna sign the papers,
but on one condition.
404
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:43,396
I would like you to be
with me when I do it.
405
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:45,738
Thanks for understanding.
Good-bye.
406
00:22:47,780 --> 00:22:49,783
How was that?
407
00:22:53,026 --> 00:22:54,688
I couldn't have
said it better myself.
408
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,612
Friends come and go.
409
00:22:58,712 --> 00:23:01,455
Sometimes, we even have to say
good-bye to our best friends.
410
00:23:01,555 --> 00:23:03,458
In the end,
it's important to remember
411
00:23:03,558 --> 00:23:06,261
that our real best friend
is always there,
412
00:23:06,361 --> 00:23:08,903
staring at us in the mirror.
413
00:23:15,090 --> 00:23:15,911
What?
414
00:23:26,222 --> 00:23:28,224
They accepted every term.
415
00:23:33,270 --> 00:23:35,292
Oh, you had... where's the hair?
416
00:23:35,392 --> 00:23:37,174
I know.
417
00:23:37,274 --> 00:23:38,495
I thought it was
against the rules.
418
00:24:12,472 --> 00:24:14,655
My client would like to submit
the substantial proceeds
419
00:24:14,755 --> 00:24:18,899
from Ms. Piccirillo's recent
business deal with Amazon.com
420
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:21,982
to the sum of their
shared communal assets.
421
00:24:22,082 --> 00:24:24,425
Actually, my client informs me
that that deal won't close
422
00:24:24,525 --> 00:24:26,387
until well after
we've finished our mediation.
423
00:24:26,487 --> 00:24:27,949
- What?
- Sorry.
424
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:29,390
Delay in paperwork.
425
00:24:29,490 --> 00:24:32,634
- Well, good move on your part.
- Thank you.
426
00:24:32,734 --> 00:24:35,077
My client also asserts
his entitlement to over
427
00:24:35,177 --> 00:24:37,279
$1 million in funds
meant for charity
428
00:24:37,379 --> 00:24:39,361
that Ms. Piccirillo has hidden
in various accounts
429
00:24:39,461 --> 00:24:40,923
over a period of 12 years.
430
00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:42,405
I'm so sorry.
431
00:24:42,505 --> 00:24:44,006
Those funds have
already been allocated
432
00:24:44,106 --> 00:24:45,648
to our city's at-risk youth.
433
00:24:45,748 --> 00:24:49,412
But I guess I could always
ask that they be returned.
434
00:24:49,512 --> 00:24:51,454
Let the record show
that my client
435
00:24:51,554 --> 00:24:54,037
has recently received
an award for her efforts.
436
00:24:57,641 --> 00:24:59,183
They spelt your name wrong.
437
00:24:59,283 --> 00:25:01,025
- Shrug.
- Let's move on.
438
00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,147
- Please.
- Please.
439
00:25:03,247 --> 00:25:05,710
When all is said and
done, we've determined that
440
00:25:05,810 --> 00:25:08,753
the combined value
of their cash,
441
00:25:08,853 --> 00:25:10,795
holdings,
and intellectual property
442
00:25:10,895 --> 00:25:14,880
comes to a total
of $207.4 million.
443
00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:16,281
Ah.
444
00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:18,163
That, what?
445
00:25:18,263 --> 00:25:19,885
What did you just say?
446
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:24,330
Much of that value comes from
your intellectual property.
447
00:25:24,430 --> 00:25:25,812
These are your designs,
aren't they?
448
00:25:25,912 --> 00:25:27,814
Where'd you...
449
00:25:27,914 --> 00:25:31,017
The state considers these
creatures a communal asset.
450
00:25:31,117 --> 00:25:34,341
Ergo, Scott, a recently-single,
451
00:25:34,441 --> 00:25:37,024
openly-gay man
is entitled to have.
452
00:25:37,124 --> 00:25:39,386
Did you just say openly gay?
453
00:25:39,486 --> 00:25:42,830
Wait, I...
I own all the puppets?
454
00:25:42,930 --> 00:25:45,873
You created them.
The copyrights are in your name.
455
00:25:45,973 --> 00:25:47,155
Your father never told you?
456
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:49,477
Who knew so many major brands
457
00:25:49,577 --> 00:25:51,279
were clamoring
for spokes-puppets?
458
00:25:51,379 --> 00:25:53,562
I've been fielding calls
all week.
459
00:25:53,662 --> 00:25:55,323
Fast food.
Pharmaceuticals.
460
00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:56,885
You can't have them.
461
00:25:56,985 --> 00:26:00,169
You're the one who agreed
to split everything 50/50.
462
00:26:00,269 --> 00:26:02,271
We did.
463
00:26:03,873 --> 00:26:06,976
I'm sorry.
Let's begin, eh?
464
00:26:14,644 --> 00:26:16,386
My client Scott Perera
465
00:26:16,486 --> 00:26:19,870
will now take sole custody
of the following puppets.
466
00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:22,193
Ennui Le Triste.
467
00:26:22,293 --> 00:26:25,356
$26.1 million.
468
00:26:27,058 --> 00:26:29,040
Snagglehorse.
469
00:26:31,863 --> 00:26:33,905
$18.2 million.
470
00:26:36,188 --> 00:26:38,190
Thump-Thump.
471
00:26:41,794 --> 00:26:45,658
$9.4 million.
472
00:26:45,758 --> 00:26:47,760
The Oops.
473
00:26:51,084 --> 00:26:53,066
$12.4 million.
474
00:26:53,166 --> 00:26:54,868
Oops.
475
00:26:54,968 --> 00:26:59,153
Astronotter.
476
00:26:59,253 --> 00:27:01,996
$21.4 million.
477
00:27:02,096 --> 00:27:05,640
I just want what's fair.
478
00:27:05,740 --> 00:27:07,281
Oh, sorry.
479
00:27:07,381 --> 00:27:09,484
I forgot one.
480
00:27:09,584 --> 00:27:13,608
♪ Some were there
in the beginning ♪
481
00:27:13,708 --> 00:27:18,373
♪ Some don't show up
till the end ♪
482
00:27:18,473 --> 00:27:21,377
♪ But it's the ones
who never leave you ♪
483
00:27:21,477 --> 00:27:26,122
♪ They're the ones
that you can always call ♪
484
00:27:28,484 --> 00:27:33,249
♪ A friend ♪
485
00:27:34,291 --> 00:27:39,291
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
35170
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.