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1
00:00:04,465 --> 00:00:05,727
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:05,827 --> 00:00:06,868
He needs a new liver,
or it will fail.
3
00:00:06,948 --> 00:00:08,610
- De-liver me.
- We're getting a divorce.
4
00:00:08,710 --> 00:00:09,611
When Phil died,
5
00:00:09,711 --> 00:00:11,413
- did you donate his organs?
- No.
6
00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:12,534
I am listening.
7
00:00:12,634 --> 00:00:14,136
Listening to the demand
for a follow-up toy
8
00:00:14,236 --> 00:00:15,457
like Play-With-Me Pickles.
9
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,219
Puppet Time will be
back on the air
10
00:00:17,319 --> 00:00:18,421
within six months.
11
00:00:18,521 --> 00:00:19,382
You have my word.
12
00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:21,304
You're fired.
13
00:00:24,527 --> 00:00:26,109
Hello, Pickle Pals.
14
00:00:26,209 --> 00:00:28,672
It's so good to see you today.
15
00:00:28,772 --> 00:00:30,854
It's so good to see you
every day.
16
00:00:31,975 --> 00:00:33,557
What do you see?
17
00:00:33,657 --> 00:00:36,080
Do you see my couch
and my room?
18
00:00:36,180 --> 00:00:38,182
Do you see the sky
outside my window?
19
00:00:39,383 --> 00:00:40,885
What else do you see?
20
00:00:44,829 --> 00:00:46,130
Soap Scum!
21
00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:48,213
Purple is the color of kings.
22
00:00:48,313 --> 00:00:50,135
Let's take a trip
to Pickle Barrel Falls.
23
00:00:50,235 --> 00:00:51,256
♪ What do you do? ♪
24
00:00:51,356 --> 00:00:53,739
♪ What do you do? ♪
25
00:00:53,839 --> 00:00:56,141
♪ Don't be afraid
when you don't know ♪
26
00:00:56,241 --> 00:00:58,304
Whistling is easy.
27
00:00:58,404 --> 00:01:01,427
I'll always be here for you,
my friends.
28
00:01:01,527 --> 00:01:02,789
Always.
29
00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,356
If you've tuned infor Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time,
30
00:01:09,456 --> 00:01:10,597
we're sorry, kids,
31
00:01:10,697 --> 00:01:12,319
he's not here right now.
32
00:01:12,419 --> 00:01:14,922
But I am, with Columbus'
top news magazine.
33
00:01:15,022 --> 00:01:16,523
Where'd you go?
34
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:31,500
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
35
00:01:33,522 --> 00:01:35,384
Dr. Devin to dialysis.
36
00:01:35,484 --> 00:01:37,186
Dr. Devin to dialysis.
37
00:01:37,286 --> 00:01:39,428
There's four more bins
at the nurses' station.
38
00:01:39,528 --> 00:01:41,550
But we didn't want
to overwhelm you with fan mail.
39
00:01:41,650 --> 00:01:43,312
Fans are for pop stars.
40
00:01:43,412 --> 00:01:45,435
We call it friend mail.
41
00:01:45,535 --> 00:01:47,357
And you can never have
too many friends.
42
00:01:47,457 --> 00:01:48,918
Wherever you're going,
43
00:01:49,018 --> 00:01:50,360
you shouldn't be
walking there without me.
44
00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:51,802
Did Peter get
my oversized lollipop?
45
00:01:51,902 --> 00:01:53,083
Yes.
46
00:01:53,183 --> 00:01:54,565
I should go talk to him.
47
00:01:54,665 --> 00:01:56,286
I don't think your wife
wants that to happen.
48
00:01:56,386 --> 00:01:57,768
What makes you say that?
49
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,870
Because she said she doesn't
want that to happen.
50
00:02:00,431 --> 00:02:02,173
He wants to talk to you,
though.
51
00:02:02,273 --> 00:02:04,275
They all do.
52
00:02:07,158 --> 00:02:08,980
Dear Mr. Pickles,
53
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,063
first of all, merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
54
00:02:12,163 --> 00:02:13,946
Dear Mr. Pickles,
what do you do
55
00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:16,028
when you feel like no one
wants to be your friend?
56
00:02:16,128 --> 00:02:17,589
Dear Mr. Pickles,
how do you spell "raisin"
57
00:02:18,891 --> 00:02:19,912
Is this how you spell raisin?
58
00:02:20,012 --> 00:02:21,634
Dear Jeff,
59
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,596
it's Peter, the guy you hit
with your car.
60
00:02:23,696 --> 00:02:25,358
I got your lollipop.
61
00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,200
I really want to talk
with you,
62
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,122
but I don't see Jill
letting that happen.
63
00:02:29,222 --> 00:02:31,044
Hi, Mr. Pickles,
I'm Judy.
64
00:02:31,144 --> 00:02:33,246
You have been with me
in every foster home
65
00:02:33,346 --> 00:02:35,809
I've ever lived at
in my whole, entire life.
66
00:02:35,909 --> 00:02:37,091
But you're not at my new one.
67
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,933
I checked every channel.
68
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:41,095
Guess I just wanted
to let you know I miss you.
69
00:02:43,678 --> 00:02:45,580
P.S. I know you don't have
70
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,382
a TV show anymore,
71
00:02:47,482 --> 00:02:49,544
but please figure out a way
to come back.
72
00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:09,285
I hear the pain
73
00:03:09,385 --> 00:03:11,568
of my fellow man.
74
00:03:11,668 --> 00:03:13,009
I'm sorry, I...
75
00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,251
I thought I was alone.
76
00:03:14,351 --> 00:03:15,772
What's your trouble?
77
00:03:15,872 --> 00:03:17,895
I've been told
I'm a good listener
78
00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:20,017
because I bleed when I talk.
79
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,579
Go ahead.
80
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,681
I'm only ears.
81
00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:25,823
I have too many friends.
82
00:03:25,923 --> 00:03:28,026
Well,
I don't have any friends.
83
00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:30,829
I used to trust everyone.
84
00:03:30,929 --> 00:03:33,952
Now I see the world
for what it is:
85
00:03:34,052 --> 00:03:36,154
an airport motel room
86
00:03:36,254 --> 00:03:39,178
where people line up
to fuck you in the throat.
87
00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:43,803
Wow, I'm...
88
00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:46,085
truly sorry for...
89
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,327
whatever happened to you.
90
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:48,728
That's okay.
91
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:51,851
Please, continue.
92
00:03:51,951 --> 00:03:54,855
My friends need me.
93
00:03:54,955 --> 00:03:56,957
I don't know how to talk
to them all.
94
00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:00,140
It's like someone's...
95
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,103
taken away my voice.
96
00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:04,545
I know how you feel.
97
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,547
I know exactly
how to fix it.
98
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:09,190
But it's gonna invite
a lot of controversy.
99
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,713
It's gonna make some people
not like me.
100
00:04:11,813 --> 00:04:14,956
Not everyone has to be
your friend.
101
00:04:15,056 --> 00:04:19,642
Do you know how we know
Jesus was a real person?
102
00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:22,525
Because people didn't like him.
103
00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,807
He had enemies.
104
00:04:24,907 --> 00:04:28,611
If everyone has something nice
to say about you,
105
00:04:28,711 --> 00:04:32,535
history questions
your very existence.
106
00:04:32,635 --> 00:04:34,097
Do you have enemies?
107
00:04:37,521 --> 00:04:40,664
Every champion has enemies.
108
00:04:42,486 --> 00:04:44,508
I want the piano.
109
00:04:44,608 --> 00:04:46,631
- You don't play the piano.
- I'm gonna take lessons.
110
00:04:46,731 --> 00:04:49,173
I know some guy who gives 'em.
111
00:04:50,895 --> 00:04:52,757
You're going to learn
an instrument to spite me?
112
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,559
No, I'm gonna learn
an instrument to break you.
113
00:04:54,659 --> 00:04:57,903
Well, I want full custody
of our daughter.
114
00:04:59,505 --> 00:05:00,726
What?
115
00:05:00,826 --> 00:05:02,728
You are completely unfit
to be a mother.
116
00:05:02,828 --> 00:05:04,250
And if you'd like,
I can throw up
117
00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:06,132
an alphabet of exhibits
in front of a judge
118
00:05:06,232 --> 00:05:07,453
to back up that sentiment.
119
00:05:07,553 --> 00:05:10,777
Well, I have an alphabet
of hand jobs.
120
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,258
So let's not go down
that road.
121
00:05:12,358 --> 00:05:14,461
I'm not going to abandon
my kid.
122
00:05:14,561 --> 00:05:16,783
We agreed,
split everything 50-50.
123
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,705
Do you know what
a forensic accountant is?
124
00:05:18,805 --> 00:05:20,307
No, I do not.
125
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,229
Okay, well,
I hired one to go
126
00:05:22,329 --> 00:05:24,231
through our bank accounts
to find out what's what
127
00:05:24,331 --> 00:05:26,954
and what's mine
and what's yours,
128
00:05:27,054 --> 00:05:29,037
and he found something
he called odd
129
00:05:29,137 --> 00:05:30,478
but I call curious
130
00:05:30,578 --> 00:05:33,041
and the IRS would call
illegal.
131
00:05:34,823 --> 00:05:36,765
My books are clean.
132
00:05:36,865 --> 00:05:39,047
Every year, you donate hundreds
of thousands of dollars
133
00:05:39,147 --> 00:05:40,889
to a charity called
134
00:05:40,989 --> 00:05:42,771
the Indica School for Girls.
135
00:05:42,871 --> 00:05:44,934
I poured my heart and soul
into that institution.
136
00:05:45,034 --> 00:05:48,097
But there is no
Indica School for Girls.
137
00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:49,499
And while we're at it,
138
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,661
there's no
Sativa School for Sluts
139
00:05:51,761 --> 00:05:53,944
or Heroin High School
for Horses.
140
00:05:54,044 --> 00:05:56,546
There's just receipts
from hotels in Belize
141
00:05:56,646 --> 00:05:58,348
and poolside omelets!
142
00:05:58,448 --> 00:06:01,312
I built a real school
for real girls.
143
00:06:01,412 --> 00:06:03,314
It's just...
144
00:06:03,414 --> 00:06:06,157
in the woods,
and there's no phone.
145
00:06:06,257 --> 00:06:08,559
- And what's their mascot?
- The Dinosaurs.
146
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,842
The Indica School for Girls
Dinosaurs.
147
00:06:10,942 --> 00:06:12,484
Yes.
Los Dinos.
148
00:06:12,584 --> 00:06:14,586
Well, I don't Belize you.
149
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:18,931
You've been pocketing
that cash.
150
00:06:19,031 --> 00:06:21,854
And in exchange
for not telling the feds
151
00:06:21,954 --> 00:06:23,816
that you started
a fake charity,
152
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:27,119
I want full custody of Maddy!
153
00:06:31,965 --> 00:06:34,708
Well, I'm not prepared
to accept that offer.
154
00:06:34,808 --> 00:06:35,949
Well, then eat a dick.
155
00:06:36,049 --> 00:06:38,051
You eat a fucking dick.
156
00:06:51,386 --> 00:06:54,209
I'm not angry
that you fired me.
157
00:06:54,309 --> 00:06:56,571
I had two important jobs,
158
00:06:56,671 --> 00:07:00,496
and I forgot the one
about being your father.
159
00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:04,220
I've chosen to take this
quasi-homicidal incident
160
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,661
with, um...
161
00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:08,544
what is that unfortunate man's
name again?
162
00:07:08,644 --> 00:07:10,667
- Peter?
- Peter, yes,
163
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:12,789
as confirmation
of all this.
164
00:07:12,889 --> 00:07:15,111
I'm stepping away
from the business.
165
00:07:15,211 --> 00:07:16,713
I won't put up a fight.
166
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:19,276
It's your show now,
and I'm just your dad.
167
00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:20,798
Great.
168
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:23,000
Because I have
a wonderful idea.
169
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,963
Oh.
Tell me about it.
170
00:07:26,063 --> 00:07:27,965
Picture me in every
child's room...
171
00:07:28,065 --> 00:07:30,508
- Mm-hmm.
- 24-7.
172
00:07:32,350 --> 00:07:34,733
Oh.
173
00:07:34,833 --> 00:07:36,855
Forget Talk-To-Me Pickles.
174
00:07:36,955 --> 00:07:39,418
We're gonna build
Listen-To-Me Pickles.
175
00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:41,780
See, it's got
a microchip inside it
176
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,382
so kids can talk to me
177
00:07:43,482 --> 00:07:45,024
and I can talk to them,
178
00:07:45,124 --> 00:07:46,345
instantly, over the airwaves.
179
00:07:46,445 --> 00:07:47,587
Well, it's aggressive.
180
00:07:47,687 --> 00:07:49,148
I even have a tagline
for the box:
181
00:07:49,248 --> 00:07:52,692
"Jeff Pickles is always
listening to you."
182
00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:55,555
Uh-huh.
183
00:07:55,655 --> 00:07:57,397
They're already going to sleep
with the doll in their arms.
184
00:07:57,497 --> 00:07:59,039
Now I get to wish them
good night.
185
00:07:59,139 --> 00:08:01,241
Mm.
186
00:08:01,341 --> 00:08:03,844
I want eight inches of me
187
00:08:03,944 --> 00:08:06,887
in every child's bed.
188
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,570
Now, I understand there may be
some skeptics out there...
189
00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:11,813
privacy issues and all.
190
00:08:11,913 --> 00:08:15,497
But social media
is a brain cancer.
191
00:08:15,597 --> 00:08:17,779
This is our way around it.
192
00:08:17,879 --> 00:08:20,262
I'll, uh, call
my contact at Toyco.
193
00:08:20,362 --> 00:08:21,824
We'll see what she thinks.
194
00:08:21,924 --> 00:08:23,706
That's okay.
195
00:08:23,806 --> 00:08:25,147
I should call her.
196
00:08:25,247 --> 00:08:27,390
Right. Um...
197
00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:29,432
will you do me a favor?
198
00:08:29,532 --> 00:08:31,834
Um, your sister needs you.
199
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:33,797
She's going through a divorce.
200
00:08:33,897 --> 00:08:35,358
Will you stay with her
for a bit?
201
00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,160
I mean, you don't want
to convalesce
202
00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:41,245
in your sad little hovel,
do you?
203
00:08:41,345 --> 00:08:42,526
I like my apartment.
204
00:08:42,626 --> 00:08:44,328
Please, just till she gets
on her feet.
205
00:08:44,428 --> 00:08:47,071
I'm asking you,
as the father.
206
00:09:10,456 --> 00:09:11,838
Huh?
207
00:09:11,938 --> 00:09:13,760
- Do me a favor.
- Anything.
208
00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:15,442
Hi, how are you?
209
00:09:15,542 --> 00:09:17,524
Whatever you need.
210
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,206
- Your brother needs you.
- Oh.
211
00:09:19,306 --> 00:09:21,008
He's going
through his divorce.
212
00:09:21,108 --> 00:09:22,569
I feel it would be
a good idea
213
00:09:22,669 --> 00:09:24,251
if he moved in with you,
214
00:09:24,351 --> 00:09:25,573
just till he gets
back on his feet.
215
00:09:25,673 --> 00:09:27,054
Oh, where is Jeff?
216
00:09:27,154 --> 00:09:28,856
Inching his way
up the driveway.
217
00:09:28,956 --> 00:09:30,338
Does he need help or...
218
00:09:30,438 --> 00:09:33,021
Can you help me
with this little favor?
219
00:09:33,121 --> 00:09:34,943
Yes!
Deirdre is here to help.
220
00:09:35,043 --> 00:09:36,064
Are you okay?
221
00:09:36,164 --> 00:09:37,666
Do you hear a helicopter?
222
00:09:37,766 --> 00:09:39,768
No.
223
00:09:40,408 --> 00:09:42,511
I'd like you to do me
another favor.
224
00:09:42,611 --> 00:09:43,672
Done.
225
00:09:43,772 --> 00:09:45,474
You don't know what it is yet.
226
00:09:45,574 --> 00:09:46,515
I'm sure when I hear it,
227
00:09:46,615 --> 00:09:47,676
I'll dig it all the way
to China.
228
00:09:47,776 --> 00:09:49,719
I want you...
229
00:09:49,819 --> 00:09:51,360
to take over the business.
230
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:52,482
I'm retiring.
231
00:09:52,582 --> 00:09:53,883
I'm tired.
232
00:09:53,983 --> 00:09:55,485
It's time for this
old sailor to...
233
00:09:55,585 --> 00:09:57,207
I thought Jeff fired you.
234
00:09:57,307 --> 00:09:59,049
Does it matter
whose idea it was?
235
00:09:59,149 --> 00:10:00,330
Are you sure he's okay?
236
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:01,892
Yes.
237
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,534
He's almost
at the planters.
238
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:04,695
Oh.
239
00:10:04,795 --> 00:10:06,697
I know you're going to say
240
00:10:06,797 --> 00:10:08,579
that you have no experience
with things like this.
241
00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,681
But I believe in you.
242
00:10:13,164 --> 00:10:14,826
I'm in.
I got it.
243
00:10:14,926 --> 00:10:19,791
The most important thing
is to gently but firmly...
244
00:10:19,891 --> 00:10:22,634
sit on your brother's
worst impulses.
245
00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:24,076
Mm, mm-hmm.
246
00:10:25,898 --> 00:10:28,000
- Did he tell you my idea?
- No, what?
247
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,002
I want to create
a Wi-Fi-connected doll
248
00:10:30,102 --> 00:10:31,924
that lets me talk
to America's children
249
00:10:32,024 --> 00:10:34,027
completely unsupervised.
250
00:10:34,907 --> 00:10:37,230
I love it.
I fucking love it!
251
00:11:39,497 --> 00:11:41,960
As your friend
and your realtor,
252
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:44,803
I'm afraid I have
to advise you strongly
253
00:11:44,903 --> 00:11:47,366
not to put this place
on the market right now.
254
00:11:47,466 --> 00:11:50,329
When I purchased this house,
255
00:11:50,429 --> 00:11:51,851
I imagined living
in a mirror image
256
00:11:51,951 --> 00:11:54,253
of my former home
would be therapeutic,
257
00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,936
healing.
258
00:11:57,036 --> 00:12:01,181
Instead, it just made me yearn
for a past I couldn't revive...
259
00:12:01,281 --> 00:12:05,245
promised me a future
double-dipped in melancholy.
260
00:12:07,408 --> 00:12:09,410
A two-story coffin.
261
00:12:10,291 --> 00:12:12,153
A shadowed canyon
where memories echo
262
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:15,236
off the vinyl siding...
263
00:12:15,336 --> 00:12:19,421
and crash silently
into the void.
264
00:12:21,062 --> 00:12:22,924
You seem motivated.
265
00:12:23,024 --> 00:12:24,326
Let me draw up the paperwork.
266
00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:26,408
We can have this up on Zillow
by the end of the week.
267
00:12:26,508 --> 00:12:28,170
You do that, Joanne.
268
00:12:45,689 --> 00:12:47,691
Peter?
269
00:12:50,574 --> 00:12:52,036
I'm glad you're here.
270
00:12:52,136 --> 00:12:54,138
- What's this?
- Do you have a pen?
271
00:12:55,299 --> 00:12:56,361
I always have a pen,
272
00:12:56,461 --> 00:12:58,463
It's not for me.
It's for you.
273
00:13:01,226 --> 00:13:02,487
No.
274
00:13:02,587 --> 00:13:04,409
Don't try to talk to him.
Don't apologize.
275
00:13:04,509 --> 00:13:05,691
Don't do that thing
where you sow hate
276
00:13:05,791 --> 00:13:06,692
and it blooms into love.
277
00:13:06,792 --> 00:13:08,173
Nobody wants that right now.
278
00:13:08,273 --> 00:13:10,216
- Peter might.
- Have you been talking to him?
279
00:13:10,316 --> 00:13:12,778
- Do you guys talk somehow?
- No.
280
00:13:12,878 --> 00:13:13,739
Why?
281
00:13:13,839 --> 00:13:16,262
Nothing.
Never mind.
282
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,364
Did he tell you about
a song we did together?
283
00:13:19,646 --> 00:13:20,507
Don't squeeze it,
don't squash it,
284
00:13:20,607 --> 00:13:21,588
contain, or kibosh it!
285
00:13:21,688 --> 00:13:23,750
No.
286
00:13:26,613 --> 00:13:27,915
What about closure?
287
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,356
That's what I'm trying
to give you.
288
00:13:29,456 --> 00:13:31,458
This is something you should
have signed a long time ago.
289
00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:36,324
There are 16 years of magic
in this envelope.
290
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,605
Don't romanticize
the envelope.
291
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:39,127
We should have a ceremony,
don't you think?
292
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:40,168
Mm-mm.
293
00:13:40,268 --> 00:13:41,489
Commemorate the end
of our relationship
294
00:13:41,589 --> 00:13:43,051
the way we commemorated
the beginning of it?
295
00:13:43,151 --> 00:13:45,093
I'm not inviting 150 people
and 11 puppets
296
00:13:45,193 --> 00:13:47,096
to a sit-down dinner
to watch us get a divorce.
297
00:13:47,196 --> 00:13:48,857
How do we tell
the Dalai Lama?
298
00:13:48,957 --> 00:13:50,299
He has his own problems,
299
00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,021
like China, for instance.
300
00:13:52,121 --> 00:13:53,542
I'm just gonna
read it over.
301
00:13:53,642 --> 00:13:55,064
Why?
It's already agreed to.
302
00:13:55,164 --> 00:13:56,225
- Just sign it.
- I know. I know.
303
00:13:56,325 --> 00:13:57,347
Get it over with.
304
00:13:57,447 --> 00:13:58,868
I'm not arguing
with you. I just...
305
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,350
You are arguing
with me.
306
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:02,192
I just want to make sure
we're doing our due diligence.
307
00:14:02,292 --> 00:14:03,874
We already did
our due diligence.
308
00:14:03,974 --> 00:14:05,435
We paid the lawyer so much
money for due diligence.
309
00:14:05,535 --> 00:14:06,256
Did do
our due diligence, though?
310
00:14:06,336 --> 00:14:07,357
I don't know.
311
00:14:07,457 --> 00:14:08,679
Jeff, I'm so confused.
312
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:13,444
"Begin by closing your eyes
313
00:14:13,544 --> 00:14:16,888
and seeing the moment in time
you'd like to return to."
314
00:14:21,953 --> 00:14:23,215
Got it.
315
00:14:23,315 --> 00:14:25,657
Now surround yourself
with the past.
316
00:14:38,131 --> 00:14:39,793
Maybe put them
on his bed.
317
00:14:57,992 --> 00:14:59,994
Now what?
318
00:15:02,197 --> 00:15:04,659
"That was the easy part.
319
00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:08,263
This trick, if you can
call it a trick,
320
00:15:08,363 --> 00:15:10,506
is incredibly difficult
to pull off.
321
00:15:10,606 --> 00:15:12,648
It all depends on one thing."
322
00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:16,392
What's the one thing?
323
00:15:16,492 --> 00:15:17,233
It's...
324
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,395
Whoa!
325
00:15:20,857 --> 00:15:21,578
Oh!
326
00:15:21,658 --> 00:15:23,360
Fucking shit tits.
327
00:15:33,951 --> 00:15:36,694
Yikes, you think
he found my stash?
328
00:15:36,794 --> 00:15:38,216
What stash?
329
00:15:48,046 --> 00:15:50,789
How'd you know
this door was here?
330
00:15:50,889 --> 00:15:52,311
Whenever I go
into a new home,
331
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:54,413
I always search
for the smallest door.
332
00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:57,637
Every house has an elf
that lives in its walls
333
00:15:57,737 --> 00:15:59,719
and controls the heat,
air-conditioning,
334
00:15:59,819 --> 00:16:01,121
and karmic flow.
335
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:03,083
I was cold,
so I figured,
336
00:16:03,183 --> 00:16:04,845
find the smallest door,
337
00:16:04,945 --> 00:16:07,608
find the elf,
leave a token of friendship,
338
00:16:07,708 --> 00:16:08,969
adjust the humidity.
339
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,091
Dude.
Fuck your Icelandic parents.
340
00:16:11,191 --> 00:16:12,653
He gets time travel,
341
00:16:12,753 --> 00:16:15,636
but I can't have my fucking
sprites and wall nymphs?
342
00:16:17,638 --> 00:16:21,102
This house and my house
are identical.
343
00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:24,466
So if there's a little door
344
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:27,509
in the back of this closet...
345
00:16:27,609 --> 00:16:28,630
then...
346
00:17:18,024 --> 00:17:19,645
Sorry I'm here so early.
347
00:17:19,745 --> 00:17:21,748
Not a problem.
I'll let them know.
348
00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:25,212
I wanted
to make sure we cleared out
349
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,174
all the Play-With-Me Pickles
before he got here.
350
00:17:27,274 --> 00:17:28,455
My niece's
first grade teacher
351
00:17:28,555 --> 00:17:30,217
saw me give her a prototype.
352
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:32,179
I almost got arrested.
353
00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:33,941
I love his
web-connected doll idea.
354
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:36,043
It's like Willy Wonka reaching
through your television.
355
00:17:37,164 --> 00:17:38,746
I agree; I think
it's the future
356
00:17:38,846 --> 00:17:41,229
of letting someone else
raise your kid.
357
00:17:43,571 --> 00:17:45,273
Sally said
you were in here.
358
00:17:45,373 --> 00:17:47,956
- They said you weren't coming.
- I'm not. I'm not here.
359
00:17:48,056 --> 00:17:50,279
I never was.
Listen.
360
00:17:50,379 --> 00:17:52,841
I've changed my mind
about the dick with shoes.
361
00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,603
I think that's the one
we go with.
362
00:17:54,703 --> 00:17:57,406
The team's pretty ecstatic
about the Listen-To-Me Pickles.
363
00:17:57,506 --> 00:17:58,407
It listens.
364
00:17:58,507 --> 00:18:01,571
It's ludicrously unsafe
365
00:18:01,671 --> 00:18:04,414
to give Jeff that kind
of unfettered reach.
366
00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:06,136
Dad,
it would be dishonest to say
367
00:18:06,236 --> 00:18:08,058
I can't hear and see you.
368
00:18:08,158 --> 00:18:09,820
You need to let go.
369
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,022
You need to think
this through, Jeff.
370
00:18:12,122 --> 00:18:15,266
What if a child calls you
on that thing
371
00:18:15,366 --> 00:18:17,228
and threatens
to kill themselves?
372
00:18:17,328 --> 00:18:18,389
Then I'll be there
to help.
373
00:18:18,489 --> 00:18:19,430
All right.
374
00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:21,272
What if a parent calls
375
00:18:21,372 --> 00:18:23,374
and wants to kill you?
376
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:25,837
Let them.
377
00:18:25,937 --> 00:18:28,520
Your Christmas speech
knocked us off the air.
378
00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:31,483
A toy like this will knock us
off the shelves.
379
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,285
Then what are we?
380
00:18:33,385 --> 00:18:34,887
Double-tapped in the sternum
381
00:18:34,987 --> 00:18:36,889
and triple-fucked
in the face.
382
00:18:36,989 --> 00:18:39,292
We're gonna be
back on the air soon.
383
00:18:39,392 --> 00:18:42,255
The show's never coming back
on the air, Jeff, believe me.
384
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,137
I've made the calls.
385
00:18:44,237 --> 00:18:47,340
It's cold out there now that
people think you have opinions.
386
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,902
Deirdre's gonna get it done.
387
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,864
Deirdre glues felt
388
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,347
to other felt.
389
00:18:53,447 --> 00:18:56,350
She's not leading anyone
to Jerusalem.
390
00:18:56,450 --> 00:18:57,712
Then why put her in charge?
391
00:18:57,812 --> 00:18:59,353
She's not in charge.
392
00:18:59,453 --> 00:19:01,275
She thinks she's in charge.
393
00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:04,719
As long as I'm alive,
394
00:19:04,819 --> 00:19:05,961
I'm in charge.
395
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:16,091
Jeff, this is my one job.
396
00:19:16,191 --> 00:19:17,933
This is all I have.
397
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:21,898
And you can't make me exit
stage left pursued by a bear.
398
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:27,023
Do you remember...
399
00:19:27,123 --> 00:19:29,546
when I was a child...
400
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:30,988
and I shot you in the face?
401
00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:32,990
Yes.
402
00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:35,753
Where are you going
with that?
403
00:19:35,853 --> 00:19:37,314
You should retire.
404
00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:45,643
I'm listening to you.
405
00:19:45,743 --> 00:19:47,405
What are you making?
406
00:19:47,505 --> 00:19:49,528
It's a doll
that listens to people.
407
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:51,450
How does it listen?
408
00:19:51,550 --> 00:19:53,892
Through a microphone
in your room.
409
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:56,015
Mr. Chompers
is a good listener.
410
00:19:56,115 --> 00:19:57,737
Who's Mr. Chompers?
411
00:19:57,837 --> 00:19:58,658
Oh!
412
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:00,760
Uh...
413
00:20:01,881 --> 00:20:04,063
Why does he have teeth?
414
00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:06,186
Mr. Chompers
pre-chews my meat.
415
00:20:06,286 --> 00:20:07,827
Will your doll
pre-chew meat?
416
00:20:07,927 --> 00:20:09,469
There's too much
being asked of me.
417
00:20:09,569 --> 00:20:11,652
I can't do these things
they're asking me to do.
418
00:20:12,452 --> 00:20:13,353
Who's they?
419
00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:14,595
She has a glue problem.
420
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:16,717
Could you head upstairs?
421
00:20:18,459 --> 00:20:20,281
And please stop dragging
your ax on the floor.
422
00:20:20,381 --> 00:20:22,363
I like the sound it makes.
423
00:20:25,987 --> 00:20:27,248
I can't, Jeff.
424
00:20:27,348 --> 00:20:28,530
I can't.
425
00:20:28,630 --> 00:20:29,691
I can't.
426
00:20:29,791 --> 00:20:30,932
I don't trust myself,
427
00:20:31,032 --> 00:20:32,654
not as a single mom
428
00:20:32,754 --> 00:20:35,738
and not as someone
running the show.
429
00:20:35,838 --> 00:20:37,860
I can't even run a household.
430
00:20:39,361 --> 00:20:42,986
How can I possibly run
a corporation?
431
00:20:43,086 --> 00:20:45,268
I can't do anything.
I don't know how.
432
00:20:45,368 --> 00:20:46,870
That's not true.
433
00:20:46,970 --> 00:20:48,231
You built an orphanage
in Belize.
434
00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:51,034
There's no orphanage.
I'm a liar.
435
00:20:51,134 --> 00:20:53,036
Then who have you been writing
checks to every Christmas?
436
00:20:53,136 --> 00:20:54,398
Me!
437
00:20:54,498 --> 00:20:56,000
Me, myself, my tan.
438
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:59,083
And now I have six weeks
to build a school,
439
00:20:59,183 --> 00:21:01,445
or I have to write
a $600,000 check
440
00:21:01,545 --> 00:21:05,210
to some stupid charity
so the IRS won't pummel me!
441
00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:07,052
I have total faith.
442
00:21:07,152 --> 00:21:08,813
You're gonna put Puppet Time
back on the air.
443
00:21:08,913 --> 00:21:10,816
Not Dad.
You.
444
00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:12,918
I don't even like the show.
445
00:21:13,919 --> 00:21:15,180
It's stale,
446
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,503
and your pants don't fit,
447
00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,145
and there's not nearly
enough music,
448
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:20,907
and your hair, your hair...
449
00:21:21,007 --> 00:21:22,508
I don't like your hair!
450
00:21:22,608 --> 00:21:25,151
I never have!
451
00:21:25,251 --> 00:21:27,153
Please don't put me in charge.
452
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:29,155
You can't trust me.
I can't even trust me.
453
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,277
Glue problem.
454
00:21:30,377 --> 00:21:32,960
I do not have
a glue problem!
455
00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:35,783
God... damn it!
456
00:21:37,825 --> 00:21:39,947
I'm sorry for not liking
your hair.
457
00:21:49,638 --> 00:21:51,660
I trust you
more than anyone.
458
00:21:57,566 --> 00:21:58,908
Are you sure?
459
00:22:10,941 --> 00:22:13,523
Oh, oh, oh...
460
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:16,006
Oh!
461
00:22:16,106 --> 00:22:17,608
- Oh!
- Oh!
462
00:22:19,510 --> 00:22:21,092
Ha!
463
00:22:54,868 --> 00:22:56,170
What do you think?
464
00:22:59,513 --> 00:23:01,255
Oh...
465
00:23:01,355 --> 00:23:03,357
I thought I'd miss him,
but I don't.
466
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,743
I'm going to get the show
back on the air.
467
00:23:08,843 --> 00:23:10,845
I know you are.
468
00:23:38,155 --> 00:23:39,096
Can I help you?
469
00:23:39,196 --> 00:23:41,198
- Uh...
- James!
470
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:45,623
Hello?
471
00:23:57,696 --> 00:23:59,238
Your hat is purple.
472
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:01,160
I love the color purple.
473
00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:02,802
- Are you...
- Sorry.
474
00:24:02,902 --> 00:24:04,163
I have to go now.
475
00:24:04,263 --> 00:24:06,165
I'm wrapping
a Christmas present.
476
00:24:06,265 --> 00:24:07,727
Christmas was two weeks ago.
477
00:24:07,827 --> 00:24:09,849
I know.
478
00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:11,211
Good-bye, purple hat.
479
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:25,907
My sorrys!
480
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:28,009
Uh...
481
00:24:31,773 --> 00:24:33,515
Do you remember me?
482
00:24:33,615 --> 00:24:37,359
Your brother,
he got shot.
483
00:24:37,459 --> 00:24:39,982
- My sorrys.
- No, he got hit by...
484
00:24:41,423 --> 00:24:44,046
Do you believe
you could turn back time?
485
00:24:44,146 --> 00:24:47,570
I do not believe
one can turn back time.
486
00:24:47,670 --> 00:24:49,652
That's absurd.
487
00:24:49,752 --> 00:24:52,175
The past cannot sit
on top of the past.
488
00:24:52,275 --> 00:24:55,198
A memory cannot live
inside a memory.
489
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,142
But by the same logic,
I do think
490
00:24:58,242 --> 00:25:00,104
it's probably easier
to travel forwards in time,
491
00:25:00,204 --> 00:25:03,107
where everything is new
and nothing is recycled.
492
00:25:03,207 --> 00:25:05,269
Like, my whole life,
I've been thinking
493
00:25:05,369 --> 00:25:07,151
about having my license,
494
00:25:07,251 --> 00:25:10,915
and then one day, I'm just
going to have my license.
495
00:25:11,015 --> 00:25:12,157
You know?
496
00:25:18,063 --> 00:25:20,366
Wanna come in?
497
00:25:20,466 --> 00:25:21,847
Wanna stay here?
498
00:26:06,235 --> 00:26:08,418
You talk.
I'll listen.
499
00:26:08,518 --> 00:26:09,899
I'll really listen.
500
00:26:09,999 --> 00:26:11,621
Move it, shit face!
501
00:26:11,721 --> 00:26:13,223
Fuck you, midget dick!
502
00:26:24,535 --> 00:26:26,677
Hello?
Mr. Pickles?
503
00:26:26,777 --> 00:26:28,319
Hi, Judy.
504
00:26:28,419 --> 00:26:29,601
It's me.
505
00:26:29,701 --> 00:26:31,923
Is it really you,
Mr. Pickles?
506
00:26:32,023 --> 00:26:33,445
It's really me, Judy.
507
00:26:33,545 --> 00:26:34,646
Where are you?
508
00:26:34,746 --> 00:26:36,208
I'm right here.
509
00:26:36,308 --> 00:26:38,290
And I'll be here for you
every day,
510
00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:40,252
in the morning
when you wake up
511
00:26:40,352 --> 00:26:41,854
and at night
when you go to sleep.
512
00:26:41,954 --> 00:26:44,176
No matter where you are
in the world,
513
00:26:44,276 --> 00:26:45,978
no matter what roof
you're under,
514
00:26:46,078 --> 00:26:47,420
I'll be with you.
515
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,943
Thanks.
I'm going to go to sleep now.
516
00:26:50,043 --> 00:26:52,065
But I'll see you
when I wake up.
517
00:26:59,653 --> 00:27:03,297
♪ Good night, good night,
good night ♪
518
00:27:05,339 --> 00:27:09,964
♪ The moon smiles down
so bright ♪
519
00:27:11,306 --> 00:27:14,289
♪ The evening star ♪
520
00:27:14,389 --> 00:27:17,172
♪ That shines from far ♪
521
00:27:17,272 --> 00:27:21,497
♪ Now blinks
its twinkling light ♪
522
00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:27,383
♪ The time for sleep is near ♪
523
00:27:27,483 --> 00:27:29,626
Happy retirement!
524
00:27:29,726 --> 00:27:33,149
♪ The air
is calm and clear ♪
525
00:27:34,651 --> 00:27:37,914
♪ The evening sky ♪
526
00:27:38,014 --> 00:27:40,998
♪ The moon and I ♪
527
00:27:41,098 --> 00:27:45,162
♪ Will always be right here ♪
528
00:27:46,424 --> 00:27:49,247
♪ As sure as sun ♪
529
00:27:49,347 --> 00:27:52,370
♪ Will rise ♪
530
00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:55,413
♪ And day will break ♪
531
00:27:55,513 --> 00:27:59,338
♪ The skies ♪
532
00:27:59,438 --> 00:28:03,863
♪ May all our scars burn up ♪
533
00:28:03,963 --> 00:28:05,424
♪ Like stars ♪
534
00:28:05,524 --> 00:28:09,348
♪ Now time to close ♪
535
00:28:09,448 --> 00:28:13,473
♪ Your eyes ♪
536
00:28:13,573 --> 00:28:15,575
Good night.
537
00:28:17,858 --> 00:28:20,601
I missed you,
Mr. Pickles.
538
00:28:20,701 --> 00:28:23,404
Good night, Mr. Pickles.
539
00:28:23,504 --> 00:28:26,207
I'm so glad you're back,
Mr. Pickles.
540
00:28:26,307 --> 00:28:28,049
The Oops
is my favorite.
541
00:28:30,872 --> 00:28:32,453
I'm assuming
you can hear me.
542
00:28:32,553 --> 00:28:35,096
This is not the product
I thought it was.
543
00:28:35,196 --> 00:28:37,699
Please, don't fucking talk
to my child about me.
544
00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,061
That's fucked up.
545
00:28:39,161 --> 00:28:41,163
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
546
00:28:54,237 --> 00:28:59,237
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
38145
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