Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,240
Doesn't have
a handle on that one at all.
4
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,440
He's not
getting down on the ball...
5
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,960
...still
struggling here in the early...
6
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,440
Oh, my God.
7
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,000
The old cockahs in the stands
8
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,280
are better than the young
cockahs on the field.
9
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,360
- Who's the man?
- Throw that already!
10
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:58,560
Come on!
11
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,520
He just missed someone
in the crowd!
12
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:07,040
What crowd?
We could all go home in one car.
13
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,960
Maybe he should lay down a bunt.
14
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,960
This guy couldn't lay down
a carpet.
15
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:18,320
Now he's over swinging.
16
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:22,880
Don't complain. At least
he's cooling off the place.
17
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:26,960
Strike! Get out of here!
18
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:30,040
You remember Clemente,
on the Pittsburgh Pirates?
19
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,520
I always envied you, Oscar.
20
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,320
Covering the Yankees
and the Mets.
21
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,640
- I bet you miss New York, huh?
- Well, what was I gonna do?
22
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,000
They sold the paper
to an Australian.
23
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,320
Lucky for me they didn't sell
to the Japanese.
24
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,240
It would take me a year
to read the batting averages.
25
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,400
Oh, Oscar!
26
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,200
Oh, hiya, Peaches.
27
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,000
I'm having a dinner party
Friday night.
28
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,480
We're short one man.
29
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,160
How about Abe here?
He's a short man.
30
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,440
You can run, Oscar,
but you can't hide.
31
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,480
See ya.
32
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,000
That's such
an original expression.
33
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,960
I hate a woman
who talks like Muhammad Ali.
34
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,680
- Hey, Conchita!
- Tough loss today, eh, Oscar?
35
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,360
Yeah, I'm suicidal, honey.
36
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:16,160
If I call 911 tonight,
any chance of mouth to mouth?
37
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,120
Yeah, beso loco. Mm.
38
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,000
What's the matter? Don't you
look at a good ass anymore?
39
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,680
I'm not allowed
to look at pastrami,
40
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:24,920
why should I look at an ass?
41
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,360
Are you coming
to the game tonight, Abe?
42
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,360
I'll be a little late.
I have to pay my respects.
43
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,400
- A friend in my building died.
- Oh, sorry to hear that.
44
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:35,160
What did he die of?
45
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,520
He got hit by lightning
on a golf course.
46
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,600
Ah. He should have been
using his woods.
47
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,440
Find out what his rent was.
I'm always looking for cheaper.
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,480
See you at the game.
49
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,360
I used to make that shot.
50
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,240
Damn it, Madison!
51
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,480
My wife and I
are fed up with this!
52
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,320
I'm filing a complaint.
Are you gonna clean this up?
53
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:17,760
Absolutely.
54
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:21,120
Whatever the cats don't finish
I'll clean up later.
55
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,040
Come on, where is Oscar?
56
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,240
Coming! I'm in! I'm in!
57
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,200
Nobody bet. Hold the bets.
I got a raise coming.
58
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,440
- How are we doing, girls?
- Everybody's in except Esther.
59
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,240
Esther, you didn't make
your straight?
60
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,440
Who knows?
I can't see the numbers.
61
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,480
Why can't we play
with those great big cards?
62
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:52,240
We tried that once.
63
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,400
Every time I shuffled,
Abe's toupee blew off.
64
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,400
Not anymore.
65
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,320
This is the kind
you can swim in.
66
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,600
Be careful, Abe.
If you swim with that rug,
67
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,200
and they'll think
you're building a dam.
68
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, come on.
69
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,600
Who gets the Eggeman's
uh, lemon loaf cake,
70
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,320
no cholesterol,
no fat, no taste?
71
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,760
- That's mine.
- One plate of chemical
72
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,440
- sponge cake for Millie.
- Thanks, darling.
73
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,440
You're welcome. Wanda...
Wanda, you vixen,
74
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,560
you know how that perfume
75
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:25,640
drives me crazy!
76
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,280
- You really like it?
- Yeah.
77
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:31,400
- Also I see I got you beat!
- He always does that to me!
78
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,360
Don't worry about it.
Listen,
79
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,640
I lost so many brain cells
today, I forgot what I saw.
80
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,480
Just like my third husband,
he should rest in peace.
81
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,400
How do you know he's dead?
Maybe he's just bluffing.
82
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,320
It's not funny.
83
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,480
Who gets the salt-free nachos
with cottage cheese chili?
84
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,800
Oh, that's mine, Oscar.
85
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,440
One Jenny Craig Mexican style
86
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:54,640
type of casserole dinner
for Señorita Abromowitz.
87
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,440
And we have a cherry soda
for Abe.
88
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,560
What happened to Abe?
Where's Abe?
89
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:01,440
Here.
90
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,360
Oh. Why don't you sit
on a magazine? I can't see you.
91
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,240
This isn't cherry, it's lemon.
92
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,120
Now it's cherry.
93
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:14,640
Whose bet is it?
94
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,640
Millie raised a quarter,
so it's 33 cents for you.
95
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,200
Thirty-three cents? You need
nerves of steel for this game.
96
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,560
I'm in. Let me get that.
97
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,720
We never finish the game.
98
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,600
All right, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
99
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,680
Whoever it is,
I'll pay on Thursday.
100
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,400
You sound good, Pop.
101
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,600
Brucey! Brucey boy, how are you?
What are you do--
102
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:42,440
Hold it down, will you, girls?
It's my son from California.
103
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:43,160
California.
104
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:47,520
My sister lost three pairs
of dentures in the earthquakes.
105
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,840
- How does she eat?
- She sends out.
106
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,400
You, too, Brucey.
Are you still an actor?
107
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,160
Still an actor, Pop.
108
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,280
I got a call from CBS,
I might get a pilot this week.
109
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:56,880
Hey! That's terrific!
110
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,360
- My kid may get a pilot.
- He got his own plane?
111
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,600
You don't know what a pilot is?
112
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,880
It is a television show
that doesn't get on television.
113
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,600
Pop, that's not why I'm calling.
114
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,520
I've got some big news for you.
115
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,520
I'm getting married this week.
116
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,280
- Married?
- Yay!
117
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,360
- Why?
- Because I love her, that's why.
118
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,640
You didn't say it was a girl.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
119
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,200
My kid is getting married.
120
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:26,200
There goes my Rachel's
last chance.
121
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,880
It's this Sunday afternoon, Pop.
122
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:28,880
Think you can come?
123
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,200
Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away.
124
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,280
- Where is it?
- At her mother's house
125
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,280
in San Malina.
126
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,680
San "Belone"?
What was the name again?
127
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,760
San Malina. It's about two hours
north of L.A.
128
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,960
- We'll send you the address.
- Okay. Listen,
129
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960
If I'm not being too nosy,
sweetheart,
130
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:47,240
- who the hell are you marrying?
- She's an actress, Pop.
131
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:47,640
She's beautiful.
132
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,440
- So talented.
- She's so talented.
133
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,520
- Smart.
- She's very smart.
134
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,800
- And she loves your son. And I--
- You see what I mean, Pop?
135
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,360
I love her already.
So who is she?
136
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:58,760
Well...
137
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:00,640
Hold on to your hat, Pop.
138
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,440
I need a hat to hold on to
to hear this?
139
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:07,480
She's not one a six foot ten
basketball player, is she?
140
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,960
As long as she's thin.
141
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,800
I can't hear you.
142
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,400
She's whose daughter?
143
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:16,920
Whose?
144
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,680
Oh, my God!
145
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:35,680
I'm sorry.
146
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,000
Miss?
147
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:42,320
Excuse me, I wonder if I might
change my seat
148
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,720
into the non-smoking section?
149
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,640
Oh, well, the entire plane
is non-smoking, sir.
150
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,360
There's no one smoking
on this aircraft.
151
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,840
I understand,
but possibly the attendants
152
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:51,880
who clean the planes
at the airport
153
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,320
were smoking in here.
I'm very sensitive to that.
154
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,880
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
but the entire plane is full.
155
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,360
Yeah, well...
156
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:03,880
Hey, ma'am...
157
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,880
see, it's not just the smoke.
The woman next to me
158
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,920
is wearing a perfume
I have a definite allergy to.
159
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,480
Well, I've already
moved you once.
160
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,800
Yeah. No, that was
because of hair spray.
161
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:14,960
Now, look,
162
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,880
I know that I sound crazy,
but I just happen to be
163
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,680
one of those
hyper-allergenic cases.
164
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,040
Can't you at least try?
165
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,480
You mean sniff every woman
on this plane
166
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,880
until you find a perfume
you're not allergic to?
167
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,800
I didn't complain
about the food, did I?
168
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,880
I didn't eat it,
but I didn't complain about it.
169
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,880
You asked for the Hawaiian
mahi-mahi
170
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,560
and I told you
that we only serve it
171
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,000
on the west-east flights,
not the east-west flights.
172
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,560
I thought there might be
one piece of mahi-mahi
173
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,600
making the return trip.
That's all.
174
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,880
Just forget it, I'll manage.
175
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,440
I have some cough lozenges,
if you like.
176
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,480
Aw, that's sweet...
Thank you, no.
177
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,920
I have an unusually small
windpipe.
178
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,880
If it got stuck,
I could be dead in two minutes.
179
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,600
Are you having trouble
breathing?
180
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,960
I'm nervous because my daughter
is getting married Sunday...
181
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,880
- Oh.
- ...in California.
182
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,760
In San...
183
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:25,640
San, uh...
184
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,840
Well, I've got a friend
picking me up.
185
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,600
Oh. Nice.
186
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,000
Are you all right?
187
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,120
Your face is turning blueish.
188
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,800
Do you need oxygen?
189
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:46,520
Yeah, but you never know
who's been using that before.
190
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,760
Stewardess!
191
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,760
Excuse me.
192
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,560
Ah! I see my bag.
Excuse me, please, sir.
193
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,480
What happened here?
194
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,760
What do you--
What do you call this?
195
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:18,120
This is mishandling of luggage!
It's a federal misdemeanor.
196
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,000
Did you see this?
197
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,000
Oscar?
198
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:50,920
Felix?
199
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,080
Oscar!
200
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,920
Felix!
201
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,520
Look out!
202
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:21,840
Oh, God!
203
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:26,120
We haven't even said hello,
and I've got a broken leg.
204
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,560
It's just a sprain.
Hello, Felix.
205
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,720
Let me know
when you gonna hit a bump.
206
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,640
Okay, that was a bump.
207
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,640
Here we go, we're all set.
208
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,680
Yeah. Maybe we could stop
209
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,240
and get a pair of crutches
some place.
210
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,800
Damn.
211
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,640
Yeah, I'll keep my eye open
for a crutch store.
212
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,720
I'm sure there's a lot of them
on the freeway.
213
00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:01,640
Now, hold on to me
and let's hop over to the car.
214
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,600
That's it.
215
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,640
That's it. Now you've got it.
Okay.
216
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,760
- Oh, God.
- Now, bend down...
217
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,600
- Huh?
- ...and slide into the seat.
218
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,600
You know what I mean?
219
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,960
- And tell me when--
- Ouch!
220
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,120
- Tell me when it hurts.
- That hurts.
221
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,960
All right.
I've got a good idea.
222
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Don't tell me when it hurts
'cause it's gonna hurt anyway.
223
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:26,640
So when I count to three,
we'll do it all in one big move.
224
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,800
One, two, three!
225
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,080
Oh, God!
226
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,040
I like "it hurts" better.
227
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,800
Oh! Oh, God!
228
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,760
Got you some ice
from the machine.
229
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,600
It'll keep the swelling down.
230
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,760
I need something
to put the ice in.
231
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,640
Put it in your sock!
What am I, an orthopedic?
232
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:58,840
Foot feeling any better?
233
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,160
It's not a foot anymore.
It's a piece of frozen meat.
234
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,120
Hang it out the window,
it's warm out.
235
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,640
God, I'm starving. I haven't
eaten since last night.
236
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,160
Didn't they serve on the plane?
237
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,920
No, my fish was flying east.
238
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,080
Here's my complimentary nuts.
239
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,760
Go ahead.
If your teeth keep chattering,
240
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,880
you'll have peanut butter
in three minutes.
241
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,920
Oscar, do you know
what the fat content of nuts is?
242
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,840
Not to mention the salt content.
243
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,680
I could have a heart attack
at the wedding.
244
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,800
Felix, I haven't seen you
in how long? Eight, nine years?
245
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:38,240
It's 17, 17 years, Oscar.
You couldn't even remember
246
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,320
that we haven't seen each other
for 17 years?
247
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,360
To tell you the truth,
I didn't dwell on it.
248
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,960
All right, 17 years.
So your hair got whiter,
249
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,880
your ears got bigger,
your nose got longer...
250
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,840
but you still retain
that... unique,
251
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:57,240
elusive, pain in the ass quality
that drives me berserk.
252
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,080
Oh, really?
253
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,880
Well you have changed.
When I saw you at the airport,
254
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,960
I thought you'd died
and your mother came to tell me.
255
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,960
I heard that line
on The Jerry Seinfeld show.
256
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,120
So what? It's how fast
I thought of it that counts.
257
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,680
Open the window.
I want to throw the water out.
258
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,240
It is open.
259
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,040
Sorry, they must have
just cleaned it.
260
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,880
Feeling better now?
261
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,440
What's the matter?
Did you sprain your tongue too?
262
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,360
I'm angry at myself.
263
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,320
I shouldn't have yelled at you
back there.
264
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,240
We've always had
bad chemistry, Felix.
265
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,880
We mix like oil
and frozen yoghurt.
266
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,920
- But I'm glad to see you anyway.
- Oh, yeah. Hey, me too, Oz.
267
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,280
I was some kind of nut
in those days, huh?
268
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:04,920
From pecan to pistachio.
269
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,320
I guess I still am.
270
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,800
You know, I hate mess
and I hate disorder.
271
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,280
I went to a hypnotist
to try to cure me.
272
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,200
- It didn't work, right?
- No.
273
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:18,800
He was late. I straightened up
his office and left.
274
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,480
You better pull off the freeway.
I got to pee.
275
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,760
Hi.
276
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,040
How are you doing, kid?
277
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,160
Are you all right?
Are you the waiter?
278
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,120
What do you want?
279
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,160
Five dollars.
280
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,800
Why should I give you
five dollars?
281
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:52,800
Your friend said you would
282
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,840
for telling you
he's locked in the bathroom.
283
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,320
Why did you tell him five bucks?
284
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,080
He's only a kid. He would've
done it for a quarter.
285
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,360
What freeway are
we supposed to be on?
286
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:07,960
The 405.
287
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,160
Yeah, I think that sign
back there said 101.
288
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,520
If you didn't have the brains
to pee back at the airport,
289
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,200
how the hell would you know
what the sign said?
290
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,960
Reading and peeing
are two different things.
291
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,480
At your age you're lucky
you can do either one.
292
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,160
Is your daughter
anything like you?
293
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,040
I mean,
she's not going to clean up
294
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,120
after the reception, is she?
295
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,160
Hey, listen, my daughter
is wonderful young lady,
296
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,800
and your son is damn lucky
to get her, I'll tell you that.
297
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,120
Let me tell you something else.
298
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,440
Please, don't.
That's why I moved to Florida.
299
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,560
We keep this up,
I'll be living in Guatemala.
300
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,920
Boy, that's fine by me.
301
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,040
So, what are you, retired now?
302
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,840
What, me, retired?
Oh, God. Never.
303
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,320
No, I'm doing part-time
charity work at the hospital.
304
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,560
What do you mean? Bed pans,
stuff like that?
305
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,920
No, no, no, no. I read to them.
I read them stories,
306
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,960
write letters for them,
tell them jokes.
307
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:14,560
It's good for me too, you know.
After my last wife...
308
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,880
You've probably heard
about that.
309
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,640
Sorry to hear that.
I heard she went very quickly.
310
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:24,080
Moved out while I was asleep.
Never even left a note.
311
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,240
What does that make,
three divorces now?
312
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,080
Three divorces,
two broken engagements,
313
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,080
and five women who disappeared
on the first date.
314
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,160
Went to the ladies' room,
never came back.
315
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,840
Ah, you just had some bad luck
with your personality.
316
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,040
Well, maybe,
but I haven't given up, Os,
317
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:43,160
because somewhere out there
there's a right woman for me.
318
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,400
You want me to stop the car
and go and look?
319
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,440
No, but you should pull over
320
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,200
because I've got to eat.
321
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,240
I have this low sugar condition,
I have to eat every four hours.
322
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,520
Why the hell didn't you eat
323
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,280
when we stopped back
at El Pollo Loco?
324
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:02,120
Because it wasn't time
to eat yet, it was time to pee.
325
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,360
All right, Felix.
326
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:23,320
Make out a timetable,
when you're going to eat, pee,
327
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,560
fart, cry and sleep
328
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,600
because that's the last time
I pull off the freeway.
329
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,080
And I suppose you never
have to pee, huh?
330
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,640
I do it for half hour
in the morning
331
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,960
and then I'm through
for the day.
332
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,640
What have you got there?
What are you doing?
333
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,320
How do you know
which ones to take?
334
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,640
Doesn't make any difference.
Whatever they fix, I've got.
335
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,000
Don't you take them with water?
336
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,440
With the local water?
Oh, you...
337
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,680
Water from around here?
338
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,120
Don't you know
how many pesticides
339
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,560
they have in the local water?
340
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:08,600
Lower your voice, will you?
341
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,360
People in here don't know
they'll be dead in a week.
342
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,480
Didn't you fix that yet?
343
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,200
Almost. Just one...
344
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:02,200
What the hell...
Open a window, will you?
345
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:08,760
How long was I asleep?
346
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,760
I don't know. I didn't know
you wanted me to time it.
347
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,760
Hey, look at this.
We're off the freeway.
348
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,640
Are we almost there?
349
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,120
I don't think so.
350
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,480
What do you mean?
What do the directions say?
351
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,760
They are gone.
I threw them out of the window.
352
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,600
You threw them out...
353
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,600
You threw them
out of the window!
354
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,400
What the hell made you do
a stupid thing like that?
355
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,200
Well, I had them on my lap
so I could read them.
356
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,680
I lit my cigar, the hot ashes
fell on my crotch,
357
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:38,800
the map caught fire.
358
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,120
I had the choice
of either finding the house
359
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,280
or burning one of most
important parts of my body.
360
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,440
- Guess which I picked?
- Unbelievable.
361
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,080
So you just picked any exit
and got off?
362
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,840
I had to get off some place,
didn't I?
363
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,080
This isn't some place,
this is no place.
364
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,800
Pull over, I'll get the
directions out of my suitcase.
365
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:26,520
- Where is my suitcase? Yeah.
- Your suitcase? In the trunk.
366
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:27,720
- No.
- No?
367
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,600
- No.
- Did you look good?
368
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,560
The trunk is about this big,
right?
369
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,560
It takes a second and a half
to look in there.
370
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:39,840
Your 1927 piece of cardboard
is there, but my suitcase isn't.
371
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,600
What are you talking about?
It's got to be there.
372
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,480
Let me look at it.
373
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:52,800
Oscar...
374
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:58,320
I'm going to try to stay calm
while I say the next sentence.
375
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,120
If it isn't in there,
376
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,560
where in the hell
is my goddamn suitcase?
377
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:04,520
This is just a wild guess.
378
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,520
I'd say it's standing in front
of the Budget Rent A Car office.
379
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,200
What, in Los Angeles?
380
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,600
That's a good guess, too.
381
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,880
God Almighty. We're going to go
back and get it!
382
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240
Go back?
383
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,200
It took us two hours
to get here.
384
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,560
It's gonna take us
another five hours to go back,
385
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,680
'cause I don't know how the hell
we got here in the first place.
386
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:25,720
Then we'd have
to make three stops.
387
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,560
One for you to pee, one for you
to get locked in the john,
388
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,400
and one for you to pay a kid
five dollars to get out,
389
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,520
and then we'd have to stop again
for you to eat!
390
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,560
Do you understand
391
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,360
what I'm talking about?
392
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,720
What did you have in there?
393
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,680
An ironing board, some
spot remover? I'll pay you back.
394
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:01,560
In that suitcase was my black
formal afternoon suit
395
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:05,320
that I bought to wear to give
my daughter away in marriage.
396
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:10,280
And in that suitcase was
a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray,
397
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,400
which I bought
as a wedding present.
398
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,760
Oh! And in that suitcase
was $10,000 in cash,
399
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:20,640
which I intended to give to my
son-in-law on his wedding day.
400
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,400
Now, in your suitcase,
the police are going to find
401
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:29,640
your broken, smashed,
mutilated and dissected body
402
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,800
in the event
that you don't go back
403
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,680
and find my fucking suitcase!
404
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,920
Why don't we ask Budget
to deliver it?
405
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,240
Deliver? Deliver where?
You've crisscrossed California
406
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,240
more than the covered wagons
did 100 years ago!
407
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,640
What the hell
are we going to tell them?
408
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,760
Follow the burned pieces
of directions on the freeway?
409
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,880
All right, we drive
to the first town we see
410
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,480
and then we'll call Budget.
I guarantee it.
411
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,960
That was my best
leather suitcase.
412
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,760
How long is it gonna stand
on the sidewalk unclaimed, huh?
413
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,800
Somebody will be eating
a pepperoni pizza tonight
414
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,240
on my daughter's silver
Tiffany tray.
415
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:05,320
Okay. Come on back in the car.
416
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,320
If it's still there,
and they have no things today,
417
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:09,920
they will get it to you fast.
418
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,240
Like Federal Express, UPS,
uh... fax...
419
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,400
You're gonna fax
my suitcase to me?
420
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,800
I can wear a picture
of my black wedding suit.
421
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,720
- Take it easy.
- And paper copies
422
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,520
of $10,000 cash!
423
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,400
Would you stop it? Don't
get physical with me, Felix!
424
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:30,400
I'm too old to hit,
but I could spit you to death!
425
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:30,840
Get in the car.
426
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,360
I want to know one thing:
Why, when you get around me
427
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:38,800
you start to behave like
a goddamn imbecilic,
428
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:43,560
idiotic, totally moronic
shithead?
429
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,000
- Hey! Wait!
- Hey, wait!
430
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,440
Didn't you put the brakes on?
431
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,800
Why? I didn't know
you were gonna punch it.
432
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:24,960
Well...
433
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,920
we better call Budget and have
them fax us another car, huh?
434
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:49,880
- I think I know where we are.
- Oh, you do, huh? Where?
435
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,760
In a Clint Eastwood movie.
436
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,040
Huh. "The Good, the Bad
and the Stupid," huh?
437
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,000
How are you feeling?
You're not the only one
438
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,600
who lost everything
in his suitcase.
439
00:25:58,600 --> 00:25:59,720
Oh, really?
Now, what did you lose,
440
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:03,440
an old Mets T-shirt and a half
of a corned beef sandwich?
441
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,680
I lost the most important thing
in my life.
442
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,440
- What's that?
- My return ticket to Sarasota,
443
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,000
- Florida.
- Uh-huh.
444
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,960
Listen, instead of complaining,
why don't you look for a phone?
445
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,000
What the hell makes you think
there'd be a telephone
446
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:17,800
anywhere out here?
447
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,760
This is probably where they test
those nuclear bombs.
448
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:25,120
They would have to call somebody
to find out if they went off.
449
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,600
I thought that was a snake.
450
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,440
They probably got poisonous
spiders out here, too.
451
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,720
Get out of here!
What will they live on?
452
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,600
You think they're waiting
for two schmucks
453
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,480
- like us to show up?
- Come on.
454
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,480
I got to sit down. Let's rest.
455
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,040
Oscar...
456
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,800
we need to have a plan.
457
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,840
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
458
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,880
What should the plan be?
459
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:02,680
I don't care, I agreed.
I did my part.
460
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,720
We got to find a telephone
and call Hannah's mother,
461
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,960
get her to send a car out here
to pick us up, huh?
462
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,000
- You know the number?
- No, it was in my suitcase.
463
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,800
- We could call the information.
- In what town?
464
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:22,000
San... My daughter said San...
Don't you remember?
465
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,840
No, I was playing poker.
I couldn't hear anything.
466
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:26,480
San Marino?
467
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,800
No, it wasn't San Marino.
Maybe San Cantino?
468
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,160
- Not San Cantino.
- No, not San Cantino.
469
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,040
- San Sereno?
- No, not San Sereno.
470
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,520
- San Bandino.
- San Patino.
471
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:42,720
San Farina. Where are you going,
for crying out loud?
472
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:43,080
San Farina!
473
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,120
We-- We could this forever.
We need a phone book.
474
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,560
How many towns
can sound like that?
475
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,920
In California, all of them.
476
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,600
San Diego, San José,
San Quentin...
477
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:57,560
- San Mateo.
- San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
478
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,560
Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.
479
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,520
- San Jemima.
- San Jemima?
480
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:07,080
What do I know? Fernando Lamas.
Ricardo Montalban.
481
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,000
- Ricky Ricardo.
- San Pagaue.
482
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,880
- Where is that?
- Near Santa Pirano.
483
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:21,120
Los Pintos, Las Brisas,
Los Pecos. Sound familiar?
484
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,560
Yeah, they are hotels
in Acapulco.
485
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,120
Look, a car has to come
from some direction.
486
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:31,080
While you stand here, I'll stand
on the other side of the road.
487
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,000
So we can catch all
the heavy traffic
488
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:37,120
at five o'clock at Los Pecos?
489
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:39,960
You got a better idea,
Los Idiot?
490
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,280
You see anything yet?
491
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:03,000
Yeah. For a minute I thought
I saw Omar Sharif on a camel.
492
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,840
Hey! Come back!
493
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:24,000
What was it? It just went by!
494
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,680
I hear something.
Do you hear it?
495
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,840
With our luck it's the killer
bees from Brazil.
496
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:12,280
What the--?
497
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,760
What the hell was that?
498
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,920
They purposely did it.
They hate New Yorkers.
499
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,320
Oh, my God!
500
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:24,800
Who's gonna pick us up now?
501
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,360
We look like a couple
of Pillsbury Doughboys.
502
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:29,040
Well...
503
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:33,360
let's get out of the sun
before we start to rise.
504
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:35,960
Oh, boy.
505
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:04,720
- What's so funny?
- I was just thinking...
506
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:05,360
If we ever get there,
507
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,800
we can be the two figures
on the wedding cake.
508
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,360
- Hilarious.
- Yeah.
509
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,960
- Hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey! Get...
510
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,920
Stop! Stop.
511
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,760
Hey amigos, where are you going
512
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:23,280
- San Redondo.
- San Yolando.
513
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:23,880
Where?
514
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:28,080
San Tamale. San Taco Bell.
We'll go anyplace.
515
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:32,400
- Hop in.
- Thank you very much.
516
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:33,840
Go ahead.
517
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,760
What are you doing out here
with no car?
518
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,440
It's a long story.
519
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:44,200
We're going to a wedding.
My daughter and his son.
520
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:50,920
- Then you must be good friends.
- Oh! Hey! The best.
521
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:54,760
We need to find a telephone.
Can you do that for us?
522
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,920
No problem.
Gas station two miles from here.
523
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,880
- I'll take you there.
- Oh, gracias.
524
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,880
That's very nice of you.
We'll be glad to pay you for it.
525
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:04,280
No. No, no, no.
526
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,080
You are compadres,
you are poor people like me.
527
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,200
This is my wedding gift
for your children.
528
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,800
Oh, you hear that, Os?
529
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:13,360
A wedding gift for our children.
530
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,080
It's more than I'm gonna
give them.
531
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:32,840
Gee, I hope nothing is wrong.
532
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:35,840
I'd hate to break
our lucky streak.
533
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:37,880
Compadres, very bad news.
534
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,360
These men, my cousins,
they say mi mamá, very sick.
535
00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:45,760
I have to go to her very pronto.
It's back where we come from.
536
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:46,920
- Back there?
- I go with them.
537
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,920
They drive very fast. You take
my truck to gas station, please.
538
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,400
Leave it there for me.
Rico, that's my name.
539
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:55,840
- They know me there.
- Are you sure, Rico?
540
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,320
We'll be very careful with it.
541
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,200
I know, I trust you.
Look!
542
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,520
If you get hungry, eat peaches.
543
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,880
I did pretty good, comprende?
544
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,800
And this time,
I'm gonna drive, amigo.
545
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:15,000
Which is what I should have done
in the first place, muchacho.
546
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:35,320
Why don't you use a handkerchief
547
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,400
so you don't get
peach juice all over me, huh?
548
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:42,240
You think we're pulling in to
the Pebble Beach Country Club?
549
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:01,440
Come on, baby, don't
give now. We're almost home.
550
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,600
It's not gonna make it.
It's not in the cards.
551
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:07,240
We're riding a dead horse,
we're coming in for the funeral.
552
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,600
Stop being such
a goddamn pessimist.
553
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:13,440
- I bet you we make this hill.
- How much?
554
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:18,840
Come on. Almost.
Yes! I knew it! I knew it!
555
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:23,240
Never count me out
till the fat lady divorces me.
556
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:25,920
What the hell is that?
557
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:29,880
I don't know, maybe they
want some free peaches.
558
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,160
All right. Stop the truck!
559
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:39,920
Are they talking to us?
560
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,640
That's a lot of cops
to give one ticket.
561
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:46,120
Step out of the vehicle! Now!
562
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,120
Put your hands
where we can see them.
563
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:55,160
Officers, I think there is some
kind of mistake here.
564
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:57,280
We didn't steal the truck,
565
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,320
and we didn't pick
any peaches. I swear.
566
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:01,920
I said on the ground, now!
567
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:05,240
- Both sides. Go!
- All right, cuff them.
568
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,440
You don't think this
has anything to do with me
569
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,120
offering that kid money
in the bathroom, do you?
570
00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:13,640
You're under arrest
for violation
571
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,280
of California Immigration
Law 1407:
572
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,320
Transportation
of illegal aliens.
573
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,120
You have the right
to remain silent.
574
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:23,040
You two jokers, step forward.
575
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:25,040
Let's go.
576
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:30,560
What's so amusing now?
577
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:31,640
Nothing. I was just thinking
578
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,160
of how we're going to tell
Hannah and Brucey
579
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,680
why we are 40 years late
for their wedding.
580
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,080
You stop worrying,
we'll get out of this.
581
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:43,440
Not without a lawyer, we won't.
Have you got a lawyer?
582
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,960
Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.
583
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,280
It takes him six hours
to walk to the telephone.
584
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,680
The case will be over.
585
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,240
We'll just tell them the truth.
586
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,680
Hey! There's our guy!
587
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,720
How is your
dying mama, compadre?
588
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:03,560
Mucho better, gracias.
589
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,360
Good. I'll send her
a crate of peaches.
590
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:09,120
Are you going to tell them
the truth or not, amigo?
591
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:09,720
I told them the truth.
592
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:13,720
I said you picked me up
on the road, you gave me a ride,
593
00:36:13,720 --> 00:36:17,200
then I saw my friends,
and they took me home.
594
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,000
And that's the truth, no?
595
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,320
He's got a better story
than ours.
596
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,160
I think we're in trouble.
597
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,640
- Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar.
- Yeah, here. Here we are.
598
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,080
We're present. Right here.
599
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:30,200
- Let's go.
- I told you, didn't I?
600
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,560
If we go down,
you go down with us!
601
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,080
What are you,
Dirty Harry or something?
602
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,240
You watch too much television.
603
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:38,680
Okay.
604
00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:40,240
So now, tell me one more time
605
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,280
how the rented car
caught fire and exploded.
606
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:47,240
He called me a shithead
and punched the car.
607
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:49,440
It went rolling down the hill.
608
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:50,280
Why did you punch the car?
609
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,400
Because the shithead threw
the directions to the wedding
610
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:55,360
out the window
and left my suitcase
611
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:56,440
at the Rent A Car agency.
612
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,760
Why did you throw the directions
out the window?
613
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:02,600
Because they caught fire
from my cigar ashes
614
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,080
and were burning on my crotch!
615
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,400
The first time he's been hot
down there for years.
616
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,760
I just wanted to remind you
of how it felt down there.
617
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:13,560
Okay, boys. Calm down.
618
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,600
You two don't
get along too well, do you?
619
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:17,320
Oh, that's not true.
620
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,640
There was a period of 17 years
that was wonderful.
621
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,440
Then, unfortunately,
we saw each other again.
622
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,040
And who did you say
was getting married?
623
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:28,840
My daughter and his son.
624
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:39,480
Well...
625
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,240
these other officers and myself
626
00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:44,080
all agree that if you two
can't find your way
627
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,160
to your own children's wedding,
there isn't a chance in hell
628
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:49,800
you could smuggle 20 illegal
aliens across the border.
629
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:53,480
Besides, we got a confession
from the truck driver.
630
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:54,360
You are free to go.
631
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,640
Oh, thank you.
We appreciate it, officer.
632
00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,080
Come on, let's go, Oscar.
633
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,480
Wait a minute.
There's a matter of false arrest
634
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,560
- here.
- Huh?
635
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,200
I happen to have one
of the finest legal minds
636
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,840
for an attorney
in the state of Florida.
637
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:09,880
- Yeah. Get him out of here!
- Come on, Oscar. Let's go!
638
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:12,800
- Come on.
- And he-- You may hear from him.
639
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,280
- Yeah. Let's go, Oscar.
- All right, sir.
640
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:16,680
We still don't know
how to get to the wedding.
641
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,160
There's a girl outside
at the computer.
642
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,360
Give her the family's name.
She'll run it down.
643
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,560
Okay, thank you very much.
We appreciate that.
644
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:24,760
Bye-bye.
645
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:26,680
Like I don't have enough.
646
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:30,200
Hello. Felix?
647
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:32,480
Oh! We've been
worried about you.
648
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:36,240
Well, unfortunately,
we took a wrong turn.
649
00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,120
Everywhere.
650
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:40,640
What did you say the name
name of the town was again?
651
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:42,560
San Malina.
652
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:44,520
San Malina. That's right.
653
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:47,120
That's what I kept
saying to Oscar.
654
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:48,360
Where are you?
655
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:50,360
In a little town called...
656
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:54,320
- Santa Menendez.
- Santa Mene-- Santa Menendez.
657
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,560
I don't know how far
it is from where you are.
658
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:58,880
About five hours.
659
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:00,880
Five hou-- Five hours?
660
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:01,640
If you know the way.
661
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,240
- Is there a hotel in this town?
- Right down the street.
662
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:06,720
The Santa Florita.
663
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:08,800
Felix!
664
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,240
Our new underwear has arrived.
665
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:13,440
- Oh, terrific.
- Catch!
666
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:14,240
Oh, boy.
667
00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:17,280
Caught that
like a major leaguer.
668
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,240
Look at these shorts.
I look like I could be
669
00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:23,240
a cocktail waitress
at a crap game.
670
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:24,240
Yeah.
671
00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:26,840
Yeah. I think if you
wiggle your fanny right,
672
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,360
you can make double sixes.
673
00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,520
Let's get something to drink.
674
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,880
This doesn't look like
our kind of crowd.
675
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:55,800
If anyone gets tough,
just show him your underwear.
676
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:57,440
- What will it be, gents?
- Hi.
677
00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:00,760
I'll have a dry Martini
on the rocks, please.
678
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:02,280
Martini?
679
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,320
Yeah.
680
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:08,800
- How about you?
- A double scotch for me, please.
681
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:14,800
Evening.
682
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:16,560
Hi.
683
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,640
It's, huh, a beautiful weather,
isn't it?
684
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,240
Just terrific, honey.
685
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,840
If you are thinking what I think
you're thinking, forget it!
686
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:34,840
- I'm not thinking, I'm talking.
- Don't.
687
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,640
This is my friend, Felix
over here.
688
00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:39,640
They call me Oscar.
689
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,480
Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar.
690
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:43,800
- Hi.
- I'm Thelma.
691
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,760
Thelma?
You're not Louise, are you?
692
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:51,320
Like I haven't been asked that
about a million times.
693
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,440
I'm Holly.
694
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,000
Holly?
That's a very nice name,
695
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,280
especially around
Christmas time.
696
00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:58,960
He's cute.
697
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:02,760
So what do you-- What do you...
Like, staying here at the hotel?
698
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:03,760
We're just passing through.
699
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,320
Passing through? So are we.
Where are you headed?
700
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:09,360
Don't know yet.
Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.
701
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:12,720
Just lovers
of the open road, eh?
702
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:16,520
We're saving our money
for Tahoe.
703
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:17,720
We've got a van out back.
704
00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:22,600
That couldn't be comfortable
to sleep in, could it?
705
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:25,360
Oscar, If I didn't know better,
706
00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:28,000
I'd say a nice old grandfather
like you
707
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,640
was trying to hit on
a couple of ladies.
708
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,360
I'm not as old as I look.
709
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:35,720
I had this plastic surgery
done recently.
710
00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:38,320
The quack doctor botched it up.
711
00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,400
Your friend doesn't say much,
does he?
712
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,840
He's the doctor
who botched it up.
713
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:48,800
Are you okay, doc?
714
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,720
I thing I put your mouth
in the wrong place.
715
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:59,280
He's still upset because they
took his license away.
716
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,600
We're closing the kitchen
in about half an hour,
717
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:05,080
if you still wanna have dinner.
718
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,520
Excuse me, ladies,
we haven't eaten all day.
719
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:08,960
Oscar, come on,
720
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,720
- doctor's orders.
- Where are your manners, Felix?
721
00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:14,320
Perhaps the ladies
would like to join us
722
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,000
before they retire to their van?
723
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:18,040
Yeah, sure. Okay.
724
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:24,040
We'll meet you at the table.
After we've freshened up.
725
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,400
Are you crazy?
Two middle-aged bikers.
726
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,840
They're tougher than the guys
we just left in the jail.
727
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:33,080
And have you ever stop to think
what we could get?
728
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,000
"Lucky" is the only word
that comes to mind.
729
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:37,960
Come on.
I'm not gonna let you do this.
730
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,680
I know it's not gonna happen.
731
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:43,840
They'd never even
come up to our room.
732
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:45,120
And it would take two years
733
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,760
for you and me
to climb into their van.
734
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:49,120
And the last thing in the world
735
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:51,600
I want them to see
is our underwear.
736
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:53,840
What are you doing this for?
737
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:55,120
To be wanted.
738
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,800
To get close
to it happening one more time.
739
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,440
The wick is almost out, Felix.
740
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:04,440
All I want
is for the candle to glow
741
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,920
rather than curse the darkness.
742
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:10,600
It's not going out, Oscar.
Not yours, not mine.
743
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:14,600
But I still have hope
that out there somewhere,
744
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:17,720
we'll find the right
lamplighter.
745
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,960
You know, we just used
so many metaphors,
746
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:23,120
I forgot what the hell
we were talking about.
747
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:25,400
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
748
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,040
- Good evening, sir.
- Are you gentlemen here
749
00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:29,800
- for the seminar?
- What seminar would that be?
750
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:33,160
"Life - Does It Really
Have To End?"
751
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:36,600
Dr. John Boxer.
I'm 84 myself.
752
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:39,640
Dr. Boxer sees no reason
why I shouldn't be around
753
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:42,040
to celebrate the year 2020.
754
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:45,160
Maybe longer.
The seminar ends tomorrow.
755
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,680
But I have to get back
to my home in San Malina
756
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,720
to celebrate my daughter's
sixty-third birthday.
757
00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:52,160
- Oh. Yeah.
- San Melina?
758
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:53,840
- That's where we're going.
- Well.
759
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,600
Fancy that! You gentlemen
need a lift?
760
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:57,880
They tell us
it's a five-hour drive.
761
00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:01,600
You come with me, I'll have you
there in less than two hours.
762
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:03,200
- Oh.
- We leave at 6:00 a.m.,
763
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,120
- on the dot.
- Six in the morning?
764
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:09,040
- That sounds great to me.
- That's a little early for me.
765
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,040
You'll never live a long life
sleeping late.
766
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:16,880
I may have some business tonight
with friends from Lake Tahoe.
767
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:17,880
- Oh, please.
- Can you believe
768
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,800
these creeps
closed the bar already.
769
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:24,720
- But don't worry, honey.
- I stay open all night.
770
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:32,640
I like a quiet man.
Talking always slows things up.
771
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:34,000
Well, huh...
772
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:36,880
perhaps I was wrong. Uh...
773
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:41,920
uh, 6:00 am would be
rather early for men like you.
774
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:43,080
It is.
775
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:44,920
- Good night.
- Bye.
776
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:46,240
- You go to Tahoe!
- Felix!
777
00:44:46,240 --> 00:44:47,760
- I'm going with him.
- Come on!
778
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:49,960
- Wait a minute, Felix. Felix!
- Oscar...
779
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,880
what are two wide awake girls
going to do
780
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:54,840
with one hunky, funny guy?
781
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,000
Why don't we all write
a suggestion
782
00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:58,680
on a piece of paper?
783
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:04,840
I wish your cute boy scout
friend would come back.
784
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:07,120
I'm just itching to dance, hon.
785
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:09,000
I'll go get him.
Don't scratch yet.
786
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,800
Thank you, sir. I'll see you
at six o'clock in the morning.
787
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,080
- That's fine. Fine.
- Thanks again.
788
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:15,640
I'm coming with you, I promise.
789
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,600
Just do me one favor,
come inside and dance for me.
790
00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:20,160
Why would I want to dance
for you?
791
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:23,640
Because I'm hunky,
the other one is itchy.
792
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:25,800
- Oh, my God.
- Please. Just come in and dance,
793
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:28,720
and you can call the shots
the rest of the way.
794
00:45:28,720 --> 00:45:31,680
- Yeah, uh...
- Please, Felix.
795
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:33,160
Please.
796
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:48,120
You're a very smooth dancer,
Oscar. What's your secret?
797
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:50,600
Leather soles.
798
00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:54,680
Got anything closer?
799
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:57,120
I went to high school
with a boy like you.
800
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:59,840
- Who was he, the principal?
- Ha-ha!
801
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,080
What are you,
divorced or single or what?
802
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,960
Oh, something like that.
803
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:13,240
You have very strong hands.
You work out?
804
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:17,080
No, but my door at home
gets stuck a lot.
805
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:19,800
Having fun?
806
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:24,640
Oh, yeah. But I think
I'm stuck to your Velcro.
807
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:47,720
Someone wants to know
808
00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:50,000
if there's a Thelma
and Holly here.
809
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,680
- What does he sound like?
- Drunk and real mad.
810
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:56,880
- Got to go, hon.
- Now? We just met.
811
00:46:56,880 --> 00:47:00,600
I know, but we'll always
have Santa Menendez.
812
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:02,720
You've never met me,
you never saw me,
813
00:47:02,720 --> 00:47:04,840
you never danced with me.
814
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:11,120
Okay. Are you satisfied?
815
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:15,880
Satisfying is not how
I would describe it.
816
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:22,160
Remember
what we agreed on earlier.
817
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:24,880
- What?
- I call the shots now, right?
818
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,880
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Ready for lights out?
819
00:47:28,240 --> 00:47:29,760
Yeah, ready.
820
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,160
Oscar! Oscar!
821
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:41,760
Where are we?
822
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:43,760
- Where are we?
- Yeah.
823
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:48,200
- We're in a hotel.
- I know, but where is the hotel?
824
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,360
In California,
in one of them Santa-places.
825
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:55,960
Oh, God, I woke up, I was lost.
And I-I got scared.
826
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:57,960
Did you ever do that,
wake up and get scared?
827
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:03,800
Yeah, when I wake up
and I see you staring at me.
828
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:05,440
I'm glad you're here, Os.
829
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:09,920
I don't mind being alone,
but not in strange places.
830
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:11,920
I guess it's a part
of getting old.
831
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:14,240
You want to know
how to not feel old?
832
00:48:14,240 --> 00:48:14,840
How?
833
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:18,880
Hang around with people
who are older than you.
834
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,080
- Thanks, Os.
- You're welcome.
835
00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,360
Get some sleep, will you, Felix?
836
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:27,400
Everything is gonna be
all right.
837
00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:39,320
Hey! How about this!
838
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:41,840
How about that!
839
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,120
Probably gets two blocks
to the gallon.
840
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:46,440
Hello, sir.
841
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:48,800
Glad to see you both
could make it.
842
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:50,200
Climb in, boys.
843
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:54,880
Thank you very much.
You certainly are prompt, sir.
844
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:56,960
There are only four of these
left in the country
845
00:48:56,960 --> 00:48:59,800
- and I own them all.
- Oh. You're a collector?
846
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:02,160
No, I use the other three
for parts.
847
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:04,920
- Hmm.
- Hang on to your hats, boys.
848
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,920
Is this as fast as it goes?
849
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:29,880
It takes a few minutes
to warm up
850
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:32,880
and then we ride like the wind.
851
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,200
It's been a half hour
852
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:33,960
and the wind
is going faster than us.
853
00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:36,920
Actually,
we're doing 85 right now.
854
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:39,960
No, that's your clock, sir.
It says 8:25.
855
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,280
Don't mind that clock,
it always breaks down.
856
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:47,360
Tell me. No offense,
but do you really think
857
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:50,920
we can make San Malina
in two hours?
858
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,400
- Who said that?
- You did last night.
859
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:55,000
No, no, no.
860
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,120
I think you misunderstood me.
861
00:50:56,120 --> 00:51:00,320
What I meant was I can make
this five-hour trip
862
00:51:00,320 --> 00:51:01,280
seem like two hours.
863
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:05,560
Take in the scenery, relax,
enjoy being alive and well.
864
00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:10,240
Doing that, I actually made it
back once in an hour and 20.
865
00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:19,920
Excuse me,
the scent of the trees
866
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:22,480
and flowers always
intoxicate me.
867
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:23,320
If you're intoxicated,
868
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:25,960
I'd be glad to be
the designated driver.
869
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:28,240
Oh, no, no. No, I'm fine.
870
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:40,240
Why are we stopping here?
871
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,960
He-- Hello.
Are you all right?
872
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:47,360
Jesus!
873
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,080
I think he's asleep!
874
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:50,320
Why? When was he awake?
875
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:53,080
All right.
Move him aside, I'll drive.
876
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:57,240
Oh-- What are you waiting for?
He'll wake up, and the snails
877
00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:59,640
- will start passing us.
- No, he won't wake up.
878
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,360
- He's dead.
- Dead? How can you tell?
879
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,080
No heartbeat and no pulse
means dead.
880
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:07,160
I've seen that in the hospital.
881
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:10,080
Seen what? All you did
was read books and tell jokes!
882
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:13,240
What the hell do you
want me to do, an autopsy?
883
00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:16,120
I'm telling you,
the man is dead!
884
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,120
At least he went quickly.
885
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:21,000
You call 12 miles an hour
quickly?
886
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:23,320
Oh, my God.
887
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:26,960
Pull his head back in
before a bird sits on it.
888
00:52:30,240 --> 00:52:32,280
Oh! Jesus!
889
00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:33,240
I knew it!
890
00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:35,480
I strained my neck.
It always happens.
891
00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:39,400
Always? You mean whenever you
try to pull a dead body back in?
892
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,960
Oscar, get out of the car
and push his head back in.
893
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:45,480
I can't move.
894
00:52:57,080 --> 00:53:00,080
This guy is starting
to decompose already!
895
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:02,040
His hairpiece blew off.
Go get it.
896
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,320
Why? He's dead. Who does he
got to look good for?
897
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:12,160
Out of respect! Maybe his family
never knew. Just go get it!
898
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,120
Keep an eye on him.
899
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:22,200
Felix!
900
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:26,720
It's not a hair piece any more.
Now, it's a nest!
901
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,040
Shoo him away!
902
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:55,280
- Hey. Where did he go?
- He's on my lap.
903
00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:58,400
On your lap?
904
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:02,560
That's not a good position
because it looks like...
905
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:06,200
I know what it looks like.
Help me pull him up.
906
00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:08,680
All right. Easy, easy.
907
00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:11,040
What the hell was that?
908
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:14,520
It sounded like a gunshot.
Maybe it's hunting season.
909
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:17,720
What kind of animals
would they have around here?
910
00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:19,520
I don't know.
911
00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:26,640
Can you believe this!
Get out and get that!
912
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,560
Uh, you know,
in the last three minutes
913
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:33,280
I've walked more
than we've driven today.
914
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:41,560
- Are you crazy?
- I didn't do it, he did!
915
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:44,120
Check his pulse again!
916
00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:48,080
- Here. You take it.
- I don't want it.
917
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:51,120
- Put it on his head.
- Argh!
918
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:52,240
What are you doing?
919
00:54:52,240 --> 00:54:54,360
I got to get his name
and address
920
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,080
so I can tell his relatives.
921
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:02,480
This should be very interesting.
922
00:55:04,360 --> 00:55:06,400
You can't stop
in the middle of the road.
923
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:07,520
Pull the vehicle over, please.
924
00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:10,520
In order to do that,
we'd have to move the driver
925
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:12,520
and as you can see, he's...
926
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:14,640
- Is he sick?
- No.
927
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:17,400
Is he drunk?
928
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:20,680
No, try dead.
929
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,280
- How did this happen?
- We don't know.
930
00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:30,760
We think that God
just came down and took him.
931
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:34,800
I'm going to have to ask you two
to step out of the vehicle.
932
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:40,560
So the man is dead
and you have his wallet
933
00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:46,200
riding in an antique car
worth over $150,000?
934
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:47,800
How do you think this looks?
935
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:49,240
To you it looks terrible,
936
00:55:49,240 --> 00:55:51,760
to my mother,
she wouldn't be that upset.
937
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:53,840
We didn't kill him or rob him!
938
00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:56,880
You believed us before,
why don't you believe us now?
939
00:55:56,880 --> 00:56:01,400
Because I didn't expect you
to keep bouncing back in here
940
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:03,280
like a beach ball!
941
00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:05,640
And why did you take his toupee?
942
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:09,880
We didn't! A truck whizzed by
and blew it off!
943
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:13,200
Yeah, I tried to get it back.
944
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:14,440
A bird sat on it.
945
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:17,920
I shooed him and he flew away
with the hairpiece.
946
00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:20,200
You shot him?
You had a gun?
947
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:24,760
No. No, not shot him.
I shooed him! Shoo! Shoo!
948
00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:26,600
Then a hunter shot him,
949
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:28,680
and the bird fell down
on the car,
950
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:33,480
and the hairpiece fell
on the wind shield.
951
00:56:33,480 --> 00:56:34,720
I hope there's
not going to be a trial
952
00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:39,480
because I'd hate to repeat
that story in court.
953
00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:45,440
Okay.
954
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:49,960
The examination reveals
he died of natural causes.
955
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:53,920
His daughter just informed us
that he called last night
956
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:56,320
and said he was going
to give a lift home
957
00:56:56,320 --> 00:57:00,680
to two nice young men
he met at the hotel.
958
00:57:01,560 --> 00:57:03,680
So, once again
you're out of here.
959
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:05,600
But if I see you back here
under arrest,
960
00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,480
I will charge you both
with disturbing the law!
961
00:57:08,480 --> 00:57:10,480
You mean disturbing the peace,
don't you?
962
00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:12,800
No, it's only the law
you're disturbing.
963
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:15,640
There is a bus that leaves here
in about 20 minutes.
964
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:17,960
They make a quick stop
over in San Malina.
965
00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:22,720
Be on it, get off it and stay
out of my face. You got it?
966
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:25,400
- Yes. Thank you very much.
- Good.
967
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:57,320
I'm going to say something
that's going to surprise you.
968
00:57:57,320 --> 00:58:00,840
Why do you have to introduce
everything you say?
969
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:03,400
It's either, "Oscar,
let me tell you something",
970
00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:06,640
or "You may not like this,
but I'll say it anyway."
971
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:08,920
Why don't you just say it
and get it over with?
972
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:10,520
Then I can get back
to my racing form
973
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:14,440
and you can start thinking of
the next thing you're gonna say.
974
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:15,720
What? What? What is it?
975
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:18,720
I actually had a good time
on this trip.
976
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:19,920
- You did?
- Yes.
977
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,880
- As much as World War II?
- No, I mean it.
978
00:58:22,880 --> 00:58:27,520
Sure, it was dirty, scary,
ugly and expensive.
979
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:31,800
But I've met a lot of people
I never would have met before.
980
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,560
I got out of the house,
had an adventure.
981
00:58:34,560 --> 00:58:36,040
You know, there's more to life
982
00:58:36,040 --> 00:58:38,960
than a job, dinner alone
and a TV show.
983
00:58:38,960 --> 00:58:42,880
Do you know I feel younger now
than I have in years?
984
00:58:42,880 --> 00:58:44,880
Why didn't you say this
last night,
985
00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:47,320
when we could have used it?
986
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:09,360
- Oscar!
- Felix!
987
00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:10,880
- Thelma?
- Hettie?
988
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:11,400
Holly.
989
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:15,000
Gee, it's nice
to see you girls again. Wow!
990
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:16,920
You, uh...
What happened to your van?
991
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:18,840
We had to dump it,
we were being chased.
992
00:59:18,840 --> 00:59:22,120
- By the police?
- Worse, our husbands.
993
00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:24,680
- Your husbands?
- We just walked.
994
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:25,840
You never said you were married.
995
00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:28,440
We went to the bank,
we took half our money,
996
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:29,760
and we just hit the road.
997
00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:32,920
Won't these guys be sore
when they catch up to you?
998
00:59:32,920 --> 00:59:36,040
Fit to kill!
999
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:37,640
Especially since they found out
1000
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:40,000
we were at the hotel
with two men last night.
1001
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:44,640
- You were? Us? Us!
- Us. They mean us, schmuck.
1002
00:59:45,680 --> 00:59:47,920
What the--?
1003
00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:57,400
All, right, open up!
1004
00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:01,480
Damn! Wouldn't you know?
They tracked our perfume.
1005
01:00:01,760 --> 01:00:04,720
Stay put
and there'll be no trouble.
1006
01:00:05,440 --> 01:00:06,960
Sit tight, people.
1007
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:08,560
- Oscar?
- Yeah?
1008
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:10,840
I really have to pee.
1009
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:13,040
Okay, Thelma.
1010
01:00:13,040 --> 01:00:16,160
The fun is over, baby.
Time to come home.
1011
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:18,160
Home?
You mean that shack
1012
01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:21,840
with whiskey bottles
and bacon strips on the floor?
1013
01:00:22,680 --> 01:00:28,160
Remember, we don't know them,
we've never even seen them.
1014
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:35,040
- What did you say?
- I honestly can't remember.
1015
01:00:40,440 --> 01:00:41,920
- That's them, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
1016
01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:44,040
The bartender at the hotel
described them.
1017
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:46,800
Couple of Martini drinkers.
1018
01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:47,800
I know.
1019
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:49,680
Come on, honey.
1020
01:00:49,680 --> 01:00:52,800
We don't want to disturb
the nice people on this bus.
1021
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:53,680
That's okay.
1022
01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:55,640
I wasn't talking to you,
Martini.
1023
01:00:55,640 --> 01:01:00,520
Come on, baby. I've got cold
beer waiting for you in the car.
1024
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:06,480
Well, come on, boys, let's go.
You don't wanna miss the party.
1025
01:01:06,480 --> 01:01:10,120
What...
We have to go to a wedding...
1026
01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:14,800
of our...
But thank you all the same.
1027
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:19,480
You just don't get it, do you?
You are the party.
1028
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:40,040
We just had an innocent drink
and innocent couple of dances.
1029
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:44,240
- It was all very innocent.
- Get off the innocent thing.
1030
01:01:44,240 --> 01:01:45,000
- will you?
- I mean,
1031
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:47,160
why would a couple
of beautiful girls like this
1032
01:01:47,160 --> 01:01:50,240
want to run off with a couple
of old geezers like us?
1033
01:01:50,240 --> 01:01:54,240
Well, when the goose wants it,
the geese come running.
1034
01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:57,800
We're geezers, not geese.
1035
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:00,920
Hey, Leroy,
where do you want to stop?
1036
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:05,000
Over this hill is a nice stretch
of woods. That will do fine.
1037
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:07,040
Do fine for what?
1038
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:10,880
Cook us up a couple
of fine geezers.
1039
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:17,680
That's funny! I'm sorry,
but that struck me as funny.
1040
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:21,160
Damn it to hell! Damn it!
1041
01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:26,000
Don't worry about them.
I know all of them personally.
1042
01:02:36,720 --> 01:02:39,200
Don't you even want
to talk about it?
1043
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:43,680
No.
1044
01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:46,280
Ever?
1045
01:02:47,280 --> 01:02:48,240
What's the point?
1046
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:52,080
No matter what I say
you two still end up in here.
1047
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:54,720
Would it be possible
to find out the results
1048
01:02:54,720 --> 01:02:57,800
of the second race
at Santa Anita?
1049
01:02:57,800 --> 01:03:00,120
I got a trifecta going.
1050
01:03:00,120 --> 01:03:01,720
- A what?
- A trifecta!
1051
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,040
That's when you
pick the three winning horses
1052
01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:06,560
in the exact order of finish.
1053
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:08,760
We have a wedding
that we cannot get to
1054
01:03:08,760 --> 01:03:12,000
and all he's got in his mind
is a trifecta.
1055
01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:13,320
I'll tell you who won.
1056
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:15,080
- You know?
- Yes.
1057
01:03:15,640 --> 01:03:19,760
I won. You are my trifecta.
1058
01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:22,840
The same two men
have been arrested three times
1059
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:27,160
for three different crimes,
and all three times by my men!
1060
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:28,360
You know what the odds are
1061
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:31,760
of that happening at any
police station in the world?
1062
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:35,160
I would say roughly 12 million
to one.
1063
01:03:35,600 --> 01:03:39,360
What would it be if it happened
in a small sheriff's office
1064
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:44,040
in a little town called
Santa Menendez, California?
1065
01:03:44,040 --> 01:03:45,160
It would be in the trillions.
1066
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:47,360
- No bookie would handle it.
- Don't!
1067
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:50,360
Oscar, of all the differences
that we have had,
1068
01:03:50,360 --> 01:03:54,880
of all the fights we've had,
of all those petty arguments
1069
01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:56,360
- that we've ever had...
- We can continue talking
1070
01:03:56,360 --> 01:03:57,920
because he's gonna be on this
for half an hour.
1071
01:03:57,920 --> 01:04:02,400
Of all the times I've wanted
to choke you by the throat,
1072
01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:03,840
this is the worst!
1073
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,240
If you say "trifecta"
one more time,
1074
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:10,080
I'm going to choke you
until you are dead!
1075
01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:12,080
And then that man can arrest me
1076
01:04:12,120 --> 01:04:14,960
one more time
for one more crime,
1077
01:04:14,960 --> 01:04:16,960
one more time in his office.
1078
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:19,880
And he's gonna
have a "fourfecta!"
1079
01:04:19,880 --> 01:04:23,640
So you shut the fuck up,
do you hear me?
1080
01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:25,840
I think you can get a fourfecta
in Cuba,
1081
01:04:25,840 --> 01:04:28,840
- but it's a cigar.
- All right, you...
1082
01:04:28,840 --> 01:04:32,040
Let go of him! Sit down!
1083
01:04:32,040 --> 01:04:35,200
- Let go!
- Sit down! Now!
1084
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:37,000
Both of you!
1085
01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:39,760
Since the ladies
already gave me a statement
1086
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:44,000
that you two had nothing to do
with the abduction...
1087
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:46,720
I have no reason to hold you.
1088
01:04:46,720 --> 01:04:48,320
I'm running for sheriff
next year.
1089
01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:52,080
I can't run a campaign
of mostly arresting you two!
1090
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:54,160
I wouldn't advice it, sir.
1091
01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:56,920
If I promise to get you
to San Malina
1092
01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:59,760
in time for the wedding,
I need a guarantee
1093
01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:04,680
you will never come
within 100 miles of this town.
1094
01:05:04,680 --> 01:05:05,960
No, 200. Make it 300.
1095
01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:10,800
Since this is the first time in
74 years that I have been here,
1096
01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:15,240
- the odds of me coming--
- Don't finish that sentence!
1097
01:05:15,240 --> 01:05:18,440
All right, let's go.
1098
01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:20,240
The wedding is at five o'clock.
1099
01:05:20,240 --> 01:05:22,160
How are we going to
get there in time?
1100
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:24,320
Just leave that to me.
1101
01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:26,400
I wish you had subways
around here.
1102
01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:28,840
I never get lost in subways.
1103
01:05:28,840 --> 01:05:30,440
I won't do that again.
1104
01:05:30,440 --> 01:05:33,480
- I'll wait for you.
- I didn't know...
1105
01:05:33,480 --> 01:05:34,760
They made up?
1106
01:05:34,760 --> 01:05:37,000
Yeah. The boys
will spend a month in jail
1107
01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:38,960
for using firearms
on a public vehicle.
1108
01:05:38,960 --> 01:05:41,400
- They always get a month.
- What do you mean, "always"?
1109
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:43,160
It's the fifth time
they have done this!
1110
01:05:43,160 --> 01:05:45,800
- The fifth time?
- It's a "fivefecta."
1111
01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:48,160
There is an airport
about five miles from here.
1112
01:05:48,160 --> 01:05:51,960
You can't land in San Malina,
but there's one in Rockport.
1113
01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:52,840
It's a 20 minute cab drive.
1114
01:05:52,840 --> 01:05:55,840
Oh, see, Rockport. Now, that's
a name I could've remembered.
1115
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:57,400
The flight will take
about 40 minutes,
1116
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,840
and we will have this car
drop you off at the airport.
1117
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:03,880
A police car! Finally a ride
I can feel safe in.
1118
01:06:03,880 --> 01:06:06,240
I hope you won't be offended
by my saying.
1119
01:06:06,240 --> 01:06:08,760
I hope to God
I never see either of you again.
1120
01:06:08,760 --> 01:06:11,480
- Now, get out of here.
- If you'd like an endorsement
1121
01:06:11,480 --> 01:06:14,120
- for your campaign...
- No, thank you.
1122
01:06:16,080 --> 01:06:17,320
Andy, If those guys
1123
01:06:17,320 --> 01:06:21,120
commit a triple murder,
or rob a bank...
1124
01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:24,480
just let them go.
1125
01:06:28,080 --> 01:06:29,040
You know, Felix,
1126
01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:30,880
if some travel agent
booked this trip,
1127
01:06:30,880 --> 01:06:32,360
we could have sued them
for a fortune.
1128
01:06:32,360 --> 01:06:34,880
Hey, everything happens
for a reason, Oscar.
1129
01:06:34,880 --> 01:06:37,080
We're not going through all
of this for nothing.
1130
01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:40,920
I have a feeling there's
some divine pay off at the end.
1131
01:06:40,920 --> 01:06:43,520
Oh, yeah? You wanna buy my half?
I'll sell it real cheap.
1132
01:06:43,520 --> 01:06:48,920
Here we are, pal.
We're gonna actually make it.
1133
01:06:48,920 --> 01:06:50,040
Oscar?
1134
01:06:51,560 --> 01:06:53,080
Is that you?
1135
01:06:53,400 --> 01:06:55,160
- It is you!
- Who's that?
1136
01:06:55,160 --> 01:06:56,440
I don't know.
1137
01:06:57,320 --> 01:07:00,520
I'm Felice Adams,
Blanche's sister.
1138
01:07:00,880 --> 01:07:01,440
Felice?
1139
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:06,120
Oh, God, I didn't recognize you.
You haven't changed in 30 years!
1140
01:07:06,120 --> 01:07:10,400
Thank you. I guess we're both
going to the wedding,
1141
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:11,200
- aren't we?
- Yeah.
1142
01:07:11,200 --> 01:07:13,920
Are you here with your husband?
What's his name?
1143
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:14,560
- Larry?
- No. Barry.
1144
01:07:14,560 --> 01:07:17,200
No, no. Barry passed away
four years ago.
1145
01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:19,160
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
1146
01:07:19,160 --> 01:07:21,640
You had two little daughters,
didn't you?
1147
01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:23,600
Now, two little granddaughters.
1148
01:07:23,600 --> 01:07:25,280
Isn't that something.
1149
01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:29,080
What? Oh!
This is my friend, Felix Ungar.
1150
01:07:29,080 --> 01:07:32,120
This is Felice,
sister of my ex-wife.
1151
01:07:32,120 --> 01:07:33,240
Yes. How do you do?
1152
01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:34,920
- Felix Ungar?
- Yeah.
1153
01:07:34,920 --> 01:07:37,600
I remember Blanche
talking about you a lot.
1154
01:07:37,600 --> 01:07:40,560
Oh, well,
I've changed since then.
1155
01:07:40,560 --> 01:07:42,120
Haven't we all.
1156
01:07:43,240 --> 01:07:45,440
They are boarding.
1157
01:07:45,440 --> 01:07:47,480
I'll see you on the plane.
1158
01:07:52,040 --> 01:07:52,480
Oscar,
1159
01:07:52,480 --> 01:07:55,360
- we have to talk.
- About what?
1160
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:58,240
On the plane.
1161
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:09,920
- Have a good flight.
- Thank you, you too.
1162
01:08:09,920 --> 01:08:11,440
Thank you.
1163
01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:15,400
Okay.
You want to talk, talk.
1164
01:08:15,400 --> 01:08:17,600
Wait till the seat belt sign
is off.
1165
01:08:17,600 --> 01:08:19,920
You can't talk
with your seat belt on?
1166
01:08:19,920 --> 01:08:21,440
What's that, a new federal law?
1167
01:08:21,440 --> 01:08:24,160
When it's on, it can get bumpy.
1168
01:08:24,160 --> 01:08:28,360
I don't want anything
interrupting what I'll say.
1169
01:08:41,400 --> 01:08:44,160
Okay, it's safe, we're bumpless.
What have you got to say?
1170
01:08:44,160 --> 01:08:46,920
- That's her. That's the woman.
- What woman?
1171
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:49,520
The "somewhere,
some place in this world,
1172
01:08:49,520 --> 01:08:52,000
there is the right woman
for me" woman.
1173
01:08:52,000 --> 01:08:55,880
- Felice?
- Mm-hmm. Even the name is right.
1174
01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:56,640
Felice-Felix.
1175
01:08:56,640 --> 01:08:58,440
The first three letters
are identical.
1176
01:08:58,440 --> 01:09:01,040
We're matched.
I mean, it's like an omen.
1177
01:09:01,040 --> 01:09:04,200
I'm telling you, Oscar,
this is the one.
1178
01:09:04,200 --> 01:09:08,360
It's wonderful. Who's gonna
tell her you're the one?
1179
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:09,480
Me. I'll tell her.
1180
01:09:09,480 --> 01:09:13,680
With the "somewhere, some place
in this world" speech?
1181
01:09:13,680 --> 01:09:15,240
Give me some credit, will you?
1182
01:09:15,240 --> 01:09:17,960
I've done this 10 or 12 times
already, you know.
1183
01:09:17,960 --> 01:09:20,040
You just need to help me
to figure out a reason
1184
01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:22,360
why I should get up
and go sit next to her.
1185
01:09:22,360 --> 01:09:27,200
How about... I don't know.
How about your seat is broken?
1186
01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:30,360
No 'cause I'm a bad liar.
She'll know I'm lying.
1187
01:09:30,360 --> 01:09:33,400
- How about if I break your seat?
- Oh, wait, no.
1188
01:09:33,440 --> 01:09:35,480
Forget it. Wish me luck.
1189
01:09:35,480 --> 01:09:38,400
Are you going to tell me
what the plan is?
1190
01:09:38,640 --> 01:09:43,080
Just watch me, baby.
Excuse me, move your legs.
1191
01:09:46,040 --> 01:09:50,480
- Good day for flying, isn't it?
- Yes, perfect weather.
1192
01:09:54,720 --> 01:09:56,320
Exactly.
1193
01:09:58,200 --> 01:09:59,360
Yeah.
1194
01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:05,520
Some plan.
1195
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:16,680
If you, you chicken-hearted,
gutless wimp,
1196
01:10:16,680 --> 01:10:20,560
if you don't go back
and sit next to that woman,
1197
01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:23,160
you and I are through!
1198
01:10:23,480 --> 01:10:25,080
Do you hear?
1199
01:11:01,080 --> 01:11:07,320
Had a nice chat, old buddy,
pal, dear close friend of mine?
1200
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,600
Will you relax.
I just set it all up for you.
1201
01:11:09,600 --> 01:11:12,720
- Go on back there and sit down.
- What did you say to her?
1202
01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:15,360
I told her
you were writing an article
1203
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:17,160
for The New York Times
1204
01:11:17,160 --> 01:11:19,800
about widowed women
and womanless men,
1205
01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:23,160
and that you would like
to ask her a few questions.
1206
01:11:23,160 --> 01:11:26,400
- She said, "Absolutely!"
- Why did you tell her that for?
1207
01:11:26,400 --> 01:11:28,840
'Cause it's better than you
going in to the john
1208
01:11:28,840 --> 01:11:31,640
and banging on the walls again.
1209
01:11:31,880 --> 01:11:32,600
Are you going,
1210
01:11:32,600 --> 01:11:34,600
or do I have to get
a food trolley
1211
01:11:34,600 --> 01:11:36,560
and wheel you over there?
1212
01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:39,320
- I'm going. I'm going.
- Good.
1213
01:11:44,720 --> 01:11:46,800
- May I?
- Please do.
1214
01:11:46,800 --> 01:11:48,520
Oh, thank you.
1215
01:11:51,600 --> 01:11:56,480
Uh, first I must explain
about this article I'm writing.
1216
01:11:56,480 --> 01:11:58,320
What article?
1217
01:11:58,520 --> 01:12:00,400
The one Oscar told you
I was writing
1218
01:12:00,400 --> 01:12:04,520
- for The New York Times.
- He never told me that.
1219
01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:06,400
He never tol...
1220
01:12:08,160 --> 01:12:10,200
What was he saying to you?
1221
01:12:10,880 --> 01:12:11,760
That you wanted to meet me
1222
01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:15,240
and couldn't think of a reason
to sit down next to me.
1223
01:12:15,240 --> 01:12:15,640
Oh, my...
1224
01:12:15,640 --> 01:12:20,280
I said, "Tell him to come over,
I'd like to meet him as well."
1225
01:12:20,280 --> 01:12:22,400
Oh. All right.
1226
01:12:28,360 --> 01:12:29,840
Ladies and gentlemen,
we should be arriving
1227
01:12:29,840 --> 01:12:35,560
at Rockport's Barbra Streisand
Airport in about 20 minutes.
1228
01:12:43,160 --> 01:12:46,480
How long has your late husband
been deceased?
1229
01:12:46,480 --> 01:12:47,720
Almost four years now.
1230
01:12:47,760 --> 01:12:52,240
He was playing tennis.
had a heart attack and was gone.
1231
01:12:52,240 --> 01:12:54,840
My last wife
went very quickly, too.
1232
01:12:54,840 --> 01:12:57,280
We seem to have a lot in common,
don't we, Felix?
1233
01:12:57,280 --> 01:12:59,920
I just realized, we practically
have the same name.
1234
01:12:59,920 --> 01:13:03,840
Felix-Felice, same first
three letters.
1235
01:13:03,840 --> 01:13:04,920
- Did that occur to you?
- No.
1236
01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:07,240
But now that you mention it.
1237
01:13:07,240 --> 01:13:10,760
And the both of you
don't wear glasses.
1238
01:13:10,760 --> 01:13:12,560
That's uncanny.
1239
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:17,920
Ah, here we are.
We are here.
1240
01:13:17,920 --> 01:13:24,200
I swear to you, this is it.
What a place!
1241
01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:30,880
- How far can he go?
- Oh! Oh, Oscar,
1242
01:13:30,880 --> 01:13:32,960
thank God you're here!
1243
01:13:32,960 --> 01:13:36,000
- Oh, what a mess.
- What is it, what's wrong?
1244
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:39,800
I can't say it.
Blanche, you tell him.
1245
01:13:39,800 --> 01:13:42,520
It's Brucey. He's gone!
1246
01:13:42,800 --> 01:13:43,920
Gone. Gone where?
1247
01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:45,320
- He disappeared!
- We can't find him.
1248
01:13:45,320 --> 01:13:46,840
- He wasn't in his room.
- We looked everywhere.
1249
01:13:46,840 --> 01:13:49,480
- We even called the police.
- All right, all right.
1250
01:13:49,480 --> 01:13:50,640
Calm down, don't cry.
1251
01:13:50,640 --> 01:13:52,840
It's bad luck
to cry before a wedding.
1252
01:13:52,840 --> 01:13:54,320
No, it's only bad luck
1253
01:13:54,320 --> 01:13:55,880
if the groom isn't here
before the wedding.
1254
01:13:55,880 --> 01:13:59,560
- Didn't he leave a message?
- Nothing, not a clue!
1255
01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:03,560
He'll show up.
My kid never ducked anything.
1256
01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:04,680
See?
1257
01:14:04,680 --> 01:14:06,960
How is Hannah?
Can I see my daughter, please?
1258
01:14:06,960 --> 01:14:10,000
She's upstairs getting dressed.
I haven't told her yet.
1259
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:11,840
What do you mean
"you haven't told her yet"?
1260
01:14:11,840 --> 01:14:13,680
Why the hell not?
What are you waiting for,
1261
01:14:13,720 --> 01:14:16,520
the fifth anniversary
of her being alone?
1262
01:14:16,520 --> 01:14:17,040
Don't yell at me!
1263
01:14:17,040 --> 01:14:19,720
I'm not yelling at you,
I'm yelling at the situation!
1264
01:14:19,720 --> 01:14:20,920
- God, you haven't changed
- Ahem.
1265
01:14:20,920 --> 01:14:23,520
- in 30 years, have you?!
- I don't believe this woman!
1266
01:14:23,520 --> 01:14:26,440
I haven't seen her
for a half century, 50 years
1267
01:14:26,440 --> 01:14:29,840
and she's still trying to finish
the last fight that we had!
1268
01:14:29,840 --> 01:14:34,640
All right! Everybody, please
stop behaving like children!
1269
01:14:35,480 --> 01:14:39,280
We tried to put this wedding
together in three days
1270
01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:43,840
while you take a casual
joyride in getting here!
1271
01:14:43,840 --> 01:14:45,320
- "Casual"?
- "Casual joyride"?
1272
01:14:45,320 --> 01:14:47,680
Oh, it's always
the woman's fault, right? Right?
1273
01:14:47,680 --> 01:14:51,480
Blanche, will you please stop
pointing your finger at me
1274
01:14:51,480 --> 01:14:51,880
and yelling!
1275
01:14:51,880 --> 01:14:54,480
You got two other husbands here
to do that with.
1276
01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:57,840
Come on, Felix. I want
to talk to you about something.
1277
01:14:57,840 --> 01:15:00,360
Oh, Frances!
1278
01:15:00,920 --> 01:15:06,000
How about that Frances?
I'd love to divorce her again!
1279
01:15:06,360 --> 01:15:08,480
What do you think
happened to Brucey?
1280
01:15:08,480 --> 01:15:08,880
I don't know.
1281
01:15:08,880 --> 01:15:10,560
What would you call me
out here for?
1282
01:15:10,560 --> 01:15:11,880
I thought maybe you
have an idea.
1283
01:15:11,880 --> 01:15:15,520
If I did, I'd have
called you out. What do we do?
1284
01:15:15,520 --> 01:15:16,760
Well, we wait and see.
1285
01:15:16,760 --> 01:15:19,640
Worst comes to worst,
we postpone the wedding.
1286
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:20,640
What do you-- Postpone?
1287
01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:22,560
I'm not going to have my
daughter humiliated
1288
01:15:22,560 --> 01:15:24,720
in front of the world
because of your ditzy son!
1289
01:15:24,720 --> 01:15:27,720
Hey, watch what you say
about my son.
1290
01:15:27,720 --> 01:15:30,560
Maybe your Hannah
is the wacky one.
1291
01:15:30,560 --> 01:15:33,520
Hannah, wacky?
My Hannah, wacky?
1292
01:15:33,520 --> 01:15:37,560
Stop repeating that,
it sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.
1293
01:15:37,560 --> 01:15:39,880
One of them caused this.
I don't know which one.
1294
01:15:39,880 --> 01:15:42,440
And I'm saying that
if he breaks her heart,
1295
01:15:42,440 --> 01:15:45,400
that boy will have
to deal with me!
1296
01:15:45,400 --> 01:15:48,760
Are you threatening to get
physical with my son?
1297
01:15:48,760 --> 01:15:51,640
If that's what it takes, yes!
1298
01:15:51,640 --> 01:15:53,640
Get your nose off my nose
1299
01:15:53,640 --> 01:15:56,680
before I sneeze your brains
into a tiny Kleenex!
1300
01:15:56,680 --> 01:16:00,960
- That's it, Oscar! That's it!
- They found him!
1301
01:16:01,720 --> 01:16:03,040
They found him!
1302
01:16:03,080 --> 01:16:04,880
- They found him, Oscar!
- They found him!
1303
01:16:04,880 --> 01:16:07,440
- A police chopper spotted him.
- Where? Where?
1304
01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:10,440
- I... Uh, uh...
- Where, for God's sakes?
1305
01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:12,560
Do you need assistance?
1306
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:20,800
That one,
at the end of the hall.
1307
01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:22,800
He's not going anywhere.
1308
01:16:23,080 --> 01:16:27,120
All right! Everybody,
please, please back off!
1309
01:16:27,120 --> 01:16:29,120
He's not on the roof
because he's anxious
1310
01:16:29,120 --> 01:16:31,720
to speak to everyone.
I'll go alone.
1311
01:16:31,720 --> 01:16:33,760
How will we know
what's going on?
1312
01:16:33,760 --> 01:16:35,920
I'll tell him to talk loud.
1313
01:16:43,120 --> 01:16:45,800
Oh, Brucey, hi!
1314
01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:48,480
Beautiful day, isn't it?
1315
01:16:49,120 --> 01:16:50,720
Hiya, Pop.
1316
01:16:52,000 --> 01:16:53,480
I hope you don't think
I'm meddling,
1317
01:16:53,480 --> 01:16:57,080
but were you planning on coming
to the wedding today?
1318
01:16:58,160 --> 01:17:01,000
- I was thinking about it.
- You're nervous, huh?
1319
01:17:01,000 --> 01:17:03,440
I was thinking
I'd be making a big mistake.
1320
01:17:03,440 --> 01:17:05,040
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
1321
01:17:05,040 --> 01:17:06,480
I don't trust marriage.
1322
01:17:06,480 --> 01:17:08,680
If you look at everyone here.
1323
01:17:08,680 --> 01:17:09,680
I mean, look at my own family.
1324
01:17:09,680 --> 01:17:14,000
Mom was married three times.
You were married one time,
1325
01:17:14,000 --> 01:17:15,960
and then never again
for 30 years.
1326
01:17:15,960 --> 01:17:17,840
Hers were too many,
yours not enough.
1327
01:17:17,840 --> 01:17:21,920
So tell me what's wrong with it,
that frightens everyone so much?
1328
01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:24,080
I don't know.
It's like baseball.
1329
01:17:24,080 --> 01:17:27,120
Either you can play
or you can't play.
1330
01:17:27,120 --> 01:17:29,440
Your mother could play,
I couldn't play.
1331
01:17:29,440 --> 01:17:33,920
Trouble with her is she kept
getting traded all the time.
1332
01:17:35,080 --> 01:17:36,960
That's not the answer
I was looking for.
1333
01:17:36,960 --> 01:17:39,520
Why did you wait so long
to ask the question?
1334
01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:42,480
Because it's
what I thought I wanted.
1335
01:17:42,480 --> 01:17:46,960
Now I know that
it's not what I want.
1336
01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:48,440
Are you sure?
1337
01:17:49,640 --> 01:17:50,800
I'm sure.
1338
01:17:51,600 --> 01:17:53,000
Then get out of it.
1339
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:54,800
Don't do it, Brucey.
1340
01:17:54,800 --> 01:17:55,560
You mean it?
1341
01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:56,920
Let me go
and talk to the others.
1342
01:17:56,920 --> 01:17:59,440
I'll figure something
out to say.
1343
01:18:01,560 --> 01:18:02,880
Pop...
1344
01:18:03,080 --> 01:18:04,640
Dad...
1345
01:18:06,080 --> 01:18:08,680
the thing is...
1346
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:14,640
- ...I really love her.
- Sure you love her, now.
1347
01:18:14,640 --> 01:18:16,720
You'll have two years
of excitement
1348
01:18:16,720 --> 01:18:19,080
- and 45 years of hell.
- No.
1349
01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:20,240
Trust me, Brucey.
1350
01:18:20,240 --> 01:18:22,640
I will always love her. She...
1351
01:18:22,640 --> 01:18:25,040
She is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
1352
01:18:25,040 --> 01:18:28,960
Would you be willing
to gamble your life on that?
1353
01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:31,080
I know I haven't been there
enough for you, Brucey.
1354
01:18:31,080 --> 01:18:33,680
But this is the best advice
I'll ever give you.
1355
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:36,880
Not getting married today is
the right thing for you to do!
1356
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:40,640
Maybe it's right for you.
It's wrong for me, okay?
1357
01:18:40,640 --> 01:18:43,680
You go tell everybody
I'm getting dressed.
1358
01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:45,920
Thank God you said that.
1359
01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:51,080
I didn't know how long I could
keep on talking like an asshole.
1360
01:18:52,760 --> 01:18:54,880
Thanks, Pop.
1361
01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:03,680
Hey, see you downstairs.
1362
01:19:06,120 --> 01:19:07,640
Go away, we're not ready yet!
1363
01:19:07,680 --> 01:19:10,160
Not even for your old man?
1364
01:19:10,840 --> 01:19:11,120
Dad?
1365
01:19:11,120 --> 01:19:13,640
Maria, let him in.
1366
01:19:13,640 --> 01:19:16,160
...oh, hello.
1367
01:19:18,600 --> 01:19:19,040
I come back soon.
1368
01:19:19,040 --> 01:19:22,720
But you smudge her dress,
and I kill you, okay?
1369
01:19:30,760 --> 01:19:35,760
Dear God, I've just seen heaven
and it's in living color.
1370
01:19:35,760 --> 01:19:37,160
Do you like it?
1371
01:19:37,880 --> 01:19:40,160
- Can I hug you?
- Yes, you better!
1372
01:19:40,160 --> 01:19:43,840
Oh, I would have postponed
if you didn't make it.
1373
01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:46,600
- Have you seen Bruce?
- Yeah.
1374
01:19:46,600 --> 01:19:48,920
- Isn't he terrific?
- Oh, boy.
1375
01:19:48,920 --> 01:19:50,320
So, was it a terrible trip?
1376
01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:52,720
If you'd asked me
that four hours ago,
1377
01:19:52,720 --> 01:19:54,600
I would've said "the pits."
1378
01:19:54,600 --> 01:19:57,080
But something happened
on the plane
1379
01:19:57,080 --> 01:19:59,800
and everything's
coming up roses.
1380
01:19:59,800 --> 01:20:01,080
- You've met someone.
- Yeah.
1381
01:20:01,080 --> 01:20:03,640
- I'll tell you later.
- No, say.
1382
01:20:03,640 --> 01:20:04,720
I don't want to keep you.
1383
01:20:04,720 --> 01:20:08,800
As a matter of fact, I can't
keep you any longer, can I?
1384
01:20:08,800 --> 01:20:10,200
I will get it.
1385
01:20:10,200 --> 01:20:13,920
I hope you don't mind my giving
you away dressed like this.
1386
01:20:13,920 --> 01:20:15,880
You look great to me.
1387
01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:21,200
Mr. Ungar,
this just came for you.
1388
01:20:21,880 --> 01:20:23,200
Oh! Thank you.
1389
01:20:23,200 --> 01:20:26,200
On second thought,
maybe I'll spiff it up a little,
1390
01:20:26,200 --> 01:20:27,760
- huh?
- Okay.
1391
01:20:29,200 --> 01:20:31,040
He's very sweet.
1392
01:20:31,040 --> 01:20:31,680
He's my daddy.
1393
01:20:31,680 --> 01:20:36,000
And with the power vested in me
by the state of California,
1394
01:20:36,200 --> 01:20:39,120
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1395
01:20:39,360 --> 01:20:41,320
You may kiss the bride.
1396
01:20:58,120 --> 01:21:00,040
Isn't this terrific?
1397
01:21:09,680 --> 01:21:12,280
- Oh, Pop.
- Hey, Brucey.
1398
01:21:12,280 --> 01:21:16,000
Baby! What a putzie!
1399
01:21:16,360 --> 01:21:17,640
Dad.
1400
01:21:18,040 --> 01:21:19,240
Don't cry.
1401
01:21:19,240 --> 01:21:21,040
- Hey.
- Sweetheart.
1402
01:21:21,040 --> 01:21:23,080
Good luck to you.
Take care of my boy, will you?
1403
01:21:23,080 --> 01:21:25,200
- I promise.
- He needs lots of cereal
1404
01:21:25,200 --> 01:21:27,840
in the morning.
1405
01:21:27,840 --> 01:21:30,680
- Congratulations, Blanche.
- Aw.
1406
01:21:39,120 --> 01:21:40,920
Are you still allergic
to my perfume?
1407
01:21:40,920 --> 01:21:44,000
No, no, no, no, no.
No, that's gone.
1408
01:21:44,200 --> 01:21:48,240
It triggered an old memory
in my sinuses.
1409
01:21:57,440 --> 01:21:59,040
Excuse me.
1410
01:22:17,720 --> 01:22:19,920
Isn't she incredible, Pop?
1411
01:22:20,480 --> 01:22:24,120
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
1412
01:22:26,160 --> 01:22:27,320
Listen, Brucey...
1413
01:22:27,320 --> 01:22:31,200
I want you to take these
for you and Hannah.
1414
01:22:31,200 --> 01:22:33,160
No, Pop,
I know you're strapped for cash.
1415
01:22:33,160 --> 01:22:35,440
Just the gesture,
that's enough for Hannah and me.
1416
01:22:35,440 --> 01:22:40,280
What I have here is not cash.
Please, take it.
1417
01:22:44,960 --> 01:22:48,480
Baseball cards! You knew
I always used to save these.
1418
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:50,160
Not those.
I've had these
1419
01:22:50,160 --> 01:22:54,320
since before you were born.
These are first editions.
1420
01:22:54,320 --> 01:22:57,520
Mickey Mantle
in his rookie year.
1421
01:22:58,320 --> 01:23:02,400
George Herman Ruth,
sometimes known as Babe Ruth.
1422
01:23:02,400 --> 01:23:06,400
Today that's worth $22,000.
1423
01:23:06,400 --> 01:23:09,440
No, no way, Pop.
I can't take these.
1424
01:23:09,440 --> 01:23:12,480
Come on. Hold them
until your kids are 18.
1425
01:23:12,480 --> 01:23:16,440
Maybe it will buy him
a week or two in college.
1426
01:23:17,240 --> 01:23:20,440
- You're the greatest, Pop.
- Thank you.
1427
01:23:23,880 --> 01:23:28,240
Well, I'm getting tired.
Come on, walk me in.
1428
01:23:29,000 --> 01:23:30,440
No chance of you
moving out here?
1429
01:23:30,440 --> 01:23:34,920
To where, Santa Yocinta,
Malinta, Caliente, Maliguena?
1430
01:23:34,920 --> 01:23:37,000
I'm not gonna learn
a new language
1431
01:23:37,000 --> 01:23:39,400
just to find my way home
at night.
1432
01:23:41,240 --> 01:23:44,240
♪ I don't get around much
Anymore ♪
1433
01:23:44,240 --> 01:23:48,400
Boy, it feels good to be
in clean pajamas again, huh?
1434
01:23:48,560 --> 01:23:51,200
My God, was that a wedding?
1435
01:23:51,200 --> 01:23:54,920
I am so glad that the kids
loved the silver tray.
1436
01:23:54,920 --> 01:23:56,320
You know something, Oscar,
you never told me
1437
01:23:56,320 --> 01:24:00,440
what you gave them. Not that
it's any of my damn business.
1438
01:24:00,440 --> 01:24:02,280
- Huh?
- Felix, tomorrow night
1439
01:24:02,280 --> 01:24:04,400
- I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
- Yeah.
1440
01:24:04,400 --> 01:24:06,400
It's not a great bed,
but I love it
1441
01:24:06,400 --> 01:24:09,120
because it never talks
during the night.
1442
01:24:09,120 --> 01:24:13,440
Oh, I'm sorry, Os, I, uh...
It's just, you know...
1443
01:24:13,440 --> 01:24:17,960
It may be another 17 years
before we see each other again.
1444
01:24:17,960 --> 01:24:19,560
That's a date.
1445
01:24:20,280 --> 01:24:23,360
- Let me tell you--
- Felix, please!
1446
01:24:23,600 --> 01:24:28,040
We got to be on that airport bus
at 9:00 a.m.
1447
01:24:28,040 --> 01:24:29,600
- I got to get some sleep.
- No.
1448
01:24:29,600 --> 01:24:31,920
I forgot to tell you, no bus.
1449
01:24:31,920 --> 01:24:35,120
Leece has hired a limo
to take us to the airport.
1450
01:24:35,120 --> 01:24:36,360
- Who's Leece?
- Felice.
1451
01:24:36,360 --> 01:24:39,080
I started calling her Leece
and she likes it.
1452
01:24:39,080 --> 01:24:40,000
Does she call you Lix?
1453
01:24:40,000 --> 01:24:42,520
Oh, another thing.
I'm not going back to New York.
1454
01:24:42,520 --> 01:24:45,400
I'm going to spend some time
up in San Fran.
1455
01:24:45,400 --> 01:24:46,120
- San Fran?
- Yeah.
1456
01:24:46,120 --> 01:24:49,920
Lix and Leece in San Fran?
What the hell is going on?
1457
01:24:49,920 --> 01:24:51,600
Who knows?
I may spend just a few days
1458
01:24:51,600 --> 01:24:55,400
or the rest of my life.
We really hit it off tonight.
1459
01:24:55,400 --> 01:24:57,320
Yeah, I've heard you
say that before.
1460
01:24:57,320 --> 01:24:59,960
But this may be the last time
you hear me say it.
1461
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:05,360
I hope so. I really do.
Boy, am I exhausted.
1462
01:25:08,640 --> 01:25:10,200
GN.
1463
01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:13,040
- "GN"?
- Good night.
1464
01:25:18,120 --> 01:25:21,240
Gate 46. Where is that?
1465
01:25:21,240 --> 01:25:25,360
It's down at that end.
We're at the other end.
1466
01:25:28,560 --> 01:25:30,120
Felix, I'll change your ticket,
1467
01:25:30,120 --> 01:25:32,640
give you and Oscar
a chance to say goodbye.
1468
01:25:32,640 --> 01:25:35,520
You will?
Oh, yeah, okay.
1469
01:25:35,520 --> 01:25:39,520
Bye, Oscar.
Have a wonderful flight.
1470
01:25:39,520 --> 01:25:41,280
You too, Leece.
1471
01:25:41,960 --> 01:25:43,280
I'll be right there.
1472
01:25:43,280 --> 01:25:47,520
- She's very nice.
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey!
1473
01:25:47,520 --> 01:25:49,160
She looks like
she's got a lot of dogs.
1474
01:25:49,160 --> 01:25:52,040
You're gonna be walking
a lot of dogs, Felix.
1475
01:25:52,040 --> 01:25:53,360
You think I'm making a mistake?
1476
01:25:53,360 --> 01:25:56,960
I don't give that kind of advice
twice on the same weekend.
1477
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:59,200
You know,
this could be my last chance.
1478
01:25:59,200 --> 01:26:03,280
I mean, I really
want to give it a good try.
1479
01:26:06,080 --> 01:26:09,360
- I wish you the best, Felix.
- You do?
1480
01:26:09,360 --> 01:26:12,680
Of course, my best
doesn't always mean much.
1481
01:26:12,680 --> 01:26:15,120
It does to me, Oscar.
1482
01:26:22,600 --> 01:26:25,440
Okay, Felix.
Felix, that's enough.
1483
01:26:25,440 --> 01:26:30,440
Stop it, she's going to think
we have something going.
1484
01:27:02,160 --> 01:27:03,120
Here we go.
1485
01:27:03,120 --> 01:27:07,240
Who gets the bagel
with the tofu cream cheese?
1486
01:27:07,240 --> 01:27:10,160
- That's mine.
- Millie.
1487
01:27:10,160 --> 01:27:12,240
- Here we go.
- Thank you, darling.
1488
01:27:12,240 --> 01:27:13,680
You're welcome.
And I...
1489
01:27:13,680 --> 01:27:19,200
have here a soy bean
facsimile corned beef sandwich.
1490
01:27:19,200 --> 01:27:21,160
That's me. Thanks.
1491
01:27:21,160 --> 01:27:22,600
Are you in this game, Oscar?
1492
01:27:22,600 --> 01:27:25,760
Can a duck swim?
For 20 cents, I'm in.
1493
01:27:25,760 --> 01:27:27,400
You didn't look at your cards.
1494
01:27:27,400 --> 01:27:30,600
At these prices
I'll take the plunge.
1495
01:27:33,400 --> 01:27:36,440
This cheesecake
is hard as a rock!
1496
01:27:36,480 --> 01:27:38,800
That's the wax model
they keep in the window.
1497
01:27:38,800 --> 01:27:41,480
If you like the way it looks,
I'll order it.
1498
01:27:41,480 --> 01:27:44,760
Tell us about the wedding.
What did they serve?
1499
01:27:44,760 --> 01:27:48,160
- Veal Alphonso.
- How did they make that?
1500
01:27:48,200 --> 01:27:52,360
A guy, name of Alphonso
comes in early...
1501
01:27:52,360 --> 01:27:55,120
Oh, I'll get it.
1502
01:27:55,640 --> 01:27:58,160
- That's the pizza I ordered.
- For tonight?
1503
01:27:58,160 --> 01:28:02,080
No, from before the wedding.
I forgot to cancel it.
1504
01:28:02,840 --> 01:28:04,200
Coming!
1505
01:28:08,160 --> 01:28:09,080
Hi, Os.
1506
01:28:09,080 --> 01:28:12,360
I was in the neighborhood
1507
01:28:12,360 --> 01:28:14,440
so I thought I'd drop in.
1508
01:28:14,440 --> 01:28:19,200
What a surprise.
Is Felice with you?
1509
01:28:19,200 --> 01:28:21,760
No, it didn't work out.
1510
01:28:21,760 --> 01:28:25,840
That woman left her clothes
lying all over the floor.
1511
01:28:25,840 --> 01:28:28,600
She was always
running out of towels,
1512
01:28:28,600 --> 01:28:31,080
and bobby pins in the bed!
1513
01:28:31,080 --> 01:28:32,680
Now, come on.
I could not hack that.
1514
01:28:32,680 --> 01:28:37,160
- Am I disturbing you?
- No, come on in, Felix.
1515
01:28:45,680 --> 01:28:49,120
Girls, this is the father
of the bride,
1516
01:28:49,120 --> 01:28:50,160
my friend, Felix Ungar.
1517
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,440
These are my poker
playing buddies, Felix.
1518
01:28:52,440 --> 01:28:54,640
Hi. I hope I'm not
interrupting the game.
1519
01:28:54,640 --> 01:28:57,600
No, my goodness, not at all.
1520
01:28:57,600 --> 01:29:00,880
It's a distinct pleasure
to meet you.
1521
01:29:00,880 --> 01:29:03,160
I can't see him.
Is he cute?
1522
01:29:03,160 --> 01:29:06,440
Oh, uh, girls, would you
excuse us for a minute?
1523
01:29:06,440 --> 01:29:07,560
I have to speak to Felix.
1524
01:29:07,560 --> 01:29:11,800
Please excuse us. Felix,
can I have a word with you?
1525
01:29:12,200 --> 01:29:14,720
Can you believe it,
we'll never play.
1526
01:29:15,880 --> 01:29:17,360
Felix...
1527
01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:20,760
what's with the suitcases?
1528
01:29:20,760 --> 01:29:24,560
Oh. I gave up my apartment
in New York.
1529
01:29:24,560 --> 01:29:25,360
To live in Sarasota?
1530
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:28,320
They have hospitals
in Sarasota, too, you know.
1531
01:29:28,320 --> 01:29:31,320
Are you planning to move
in with me again, Felix?
1532
01:29:31,320 --> 01:29:33,840
Because, you know, it didn't
work out the last time.
1533
01:29:33,840 --> 01:29:38,240
No, no. This is just
until I find my own place.
1534
01:29:38,240 --> 01:29:41,520
'Course we could actually save
a lot of money
1535
01:29:41,520 --> 01:29:42,480
by splitting expenses.
1536
01:29:42,480 --> 01:29:45,520
Nothing has changed, Felix.
I'm still a pig,
1537
01:29:45,520 --> 01:29:46,880
you're still a human
vacuum cleaner.
1538
01:29:46,880 --> 01:29:52,320
I know. So if you don't think
it will work, just say no.
1539
01:29:52,320 --> 01:29:53,480
No.
1540
01:29:55,320 --> 01:29:56,400
Okay.
1541
01:29:57,720 --> 01:29:59,400
So, I'll go.
1542
01:30:08,800 --> 01:30:12,440
I didn't say "go," I said "no."
1543
01:30:14,720 --> 01:30:17,840
All right. We'll give it a try
for a few weeks.
1544
01:30:17,840 --> 01:30:20,760
But the minute you start
matching up my socks,
1545
01:30:20,760 --> 01:30:22,960
- we call it quits.
- It's a deal.
1546
01:30:22,960 --> 01:30:24,920
Now you go on,
go back to your game.
1547
01:30:24,920 --> 01:30:27,800
I'm just going to hang up
a few things.
1548
01:30:28,800 --> 01:30:30,880
He looks so sweet.
1549
01:30:30,880 --> 01:30:36,560
If he's looking, I've got
a spare bedroom I don't use.
1550
01:30:37,440 --> 01:30:39,880
Ladies, it's possible
that in five weeks
1551
01:30:39,880 --> 01:30:44,200
you'll all be moving
out of Sarasota, Florida.
1552
01:30:44,760 --> 01:30:45,960
Whose bet is it?
1553
01:30:47,280 --> 01:30:50,000
Don't mind me, folks,
I was just...
1554
01:30:50,000 --> 01:30:50,920
Oh, excuse me.
1555
01:30:50,920 --> 01:30:53,360
- Is this yours?
- Thank you.
1556
01:30:53,360 --> 01:30:54,480
That's all right.
1557
01:30:54,480 --> 01:30:57,360
Boy, that sandwich
is looking a little limp.
1558
01:30:57,360 --> 01:30:59,880
I can re-toast that for you
in a second.
1559
01:30:59,880 --> 01:31:00,760
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1560
01:31:00,760 --> 01:31:03,000
- Huh!
- I wouldn't mind.
1561
01:31:03,000 --> 01:31:05,640
- No problem at all.
- Thank you.
1562
01:31:06,680 --> 01:31:09,280
This is the biggest,
goddamned-est
1563
01:31:09,280 --> 01:31:12,480
déjà vu anybody has ever had!
1564
01:31:12,480 --> 01:31:16,640
Can we play cards here, please,
for crying out loud!121515
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.