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Melissa!

Melissa where are you?

Melissa I'm giving you til the count of three

to get down here or there's gonna be trouble!

One!

Two!

Three, that's it young lady, when I get my hands on you

you're gonna be

really, really sorry!

Have you seen your daughter?

What has she done now?

I didn't say she'd done anything

I just asked if you'd seen her!

No need to jump down my throat dear,

I've been working in the lab all morning.

The lab.

Why can't you get a normal job like a real husband?

This is my job.

Oh yeah, how much money did you make this week?

- We don't need the money. - That's not the point!

I'm sick of seeing you around the house 24 hours a day!

When will I once in a while?

Why don't you get away

for a while, pack a suitcase?

And that's another thing!

How come we never go places like a real family?

I can't leave my work right now,

I'm in a.

Your!

You're stuck.

Wait a minute I'll help you.

Aw, look at you, you're so cute.

Do you wanna be friends?

We can be friends.

My name is Melissa, and I think I'll call you Peewee.

What are you doing?

Daddy's working, honey.

Go play.

What kind of work?

Daddy's trying to find a specific ionic

chemical association by which special cobalt isotope based

nutrients can be suspended by electrical charges,

so they can be more readily absorbed through

the walls of polymers.

What does that mean?

It means Daddy's trying to make things grow bigger.

What for?

Because by the year 2050,

there's gonna be 10 billion people in this world,

and we have to find a solution or there all gonna starve.

What's a crab eat?

Um, crabs are omnivorous.

- What does that mean? - Stop badgering me,

I'm very busy, why don't you go play

with your dolls or something?

- Melissa? - Yes?

Omnivorous means crabs eat anything.

You still here?

Yes, I.

Okay, have fun.

There you go.

You really like those berries don't you?

I can get you more.

Daddy grows them on the weird plant in his lab.

I don't get it.

The rate of absorption is proceeding exponentially.

What the hell is happening to the fruit?

Sheldon, Sheldon, get down here!

I'm dealing with something!

Get down here now!

What, what is it?

It's a monster, that's what it is!

- Really? - There it goes!

Look there it goes!

Aw, it's just a little crab.

Just a little cra...

Did you see it was the size of a Volkswagen!

- Don't exaggerate. - Don't tell me

I'm exaggerating, I know what I saw!

Is this something you cooked up?

What are you talking ab...

In the lab, the crap you're working on,

- the growth serum? - Hon, Honey, don't call

- my work crap. - You work is crap!

It pays the bills, it puts food on the table.

- I pay the bills! - That's the last

of the berries, the plant's

- not growing any more. - That's right!

You're not just living off your wife,

- Sorry. - You're living off

your wife's and aunt!

I have

my research grant...

- Toilet paper! - At least I'm trying

to make something of my life.

What do you do, except

hang around the house all day and ni...

You wanna get some flowers or something

to put on the grave?

No thank you.

You feeling okay?

I'm fine.

You're a strange little girl, you know that?

Can we go now Uncle Ray, I need to get home?

I'm afraid you're gonna have to stay with me

for a little while, honey.

I need to take care of Peewee.

- Who's Peewee? - He's my pet.

A dog or something?

He's a crab.

Peewee the crab huh?

Well, crabs are resourceful.

I think he'll be okay on his own for a while.

We gotta get going.

Maisee!

Son of a bitch!

Sonny, will you knock that off?

Gotta keep in shape.

Not in the office.

Gotta stay leaner,

and meaner, than the criminal element.

Sonny!

Hey Sheriff!

Good morning Phil!

I wouldn't call it good when

somebody's goin' 'round killing my stock!

- Killing your stock? - Yes, they got Maisee!

Aw, not Maisee!

Tore her up good and blood all over the place!

And that's not the only thing!

Sounds like some kind of cult activity.

- Sonny. - They tore up my barn,

tore the whole back wall out!

You didn't hear anything?

You know how far the barn is from my house?

They could use dynamite and I would hear anything!

We need to look into this!

Ya think?

All right Phil, come on.

Let's go take a look and see what we can see.

Looks like a bulldozer

went through it.

Don't know what to make of that.

Some kind of cult thing.

Yeah, one of those bulldozer cults

you keep hearing about.

What are you looking it?

Looks like some sort of track.

What kind of track?

Beats the hell out of me.

Looks like someone used a posthole digger.

Yeah.

Must be one of those posthole digger cults.

You like giving me a hard time don't you Ray?

That's Sheriff Ray to you.

Come on.

Let's see where these tracks lead to.

See where this is leading off, don't you?

Yeah I see.

Well what are you gonna do about it?

Probably just coincidence.

Melissa!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I think I'm dealing with a couple of trespassers!

We're on official police business, Melissa!

I still got another round in this thing.

Come on Melissa, you're not gonna shoot anybody.

What do you want?

Somebody, or some thing,

tore up Phil McCory's barn,

and there's some kind of tracks that lead out here

to your property.

You got any idea what might be responsible?

- We need to check it out. - Not without a warrant.

We don't need no stinking warrant!

These tracks lead right onto your property,

and we got a legal right to follow them wherever they go!

Try it.

We can get a warrant, Melissa.

Then you better do it.

Come on Sonny.

Are you gonna let her get away with this?

We are officers of the law dammit!

- Let's go! - No!

We don't need a warrant and you know it!

I am searching her property.

You want an ass full of buckshot?

She wouldn't dare.

Ow, god, shit!

She loaded that thing with rock salt!

Son of a bitch it hurts!

You shouldn't have done that Melissa!

One of these days you're gonna go too far!

One of these days?

Come on let's get you tended to.

No, she shot a damn officer of the law!

I want her arrested!

I am arresting you, you have the right to remain silent!

So do you, now shut up and let's go!

- Dammit Ray! - Sheriff Ray.

This has got to stop!

I know she's your niece and all but she is a public menace!

I'll take care of Melissa.

She shot a damn police officer

in the pursuit of his duties!

Oh you got winged by a little bit of buckshot.

- It hurts! - You know,

for somebody who says he's so tough,

you sure do whine a lot.

I can file a complaint you know!

I can't stop you.

So what next?

Something bothers me about those tracks.

I gotta find out what they are.

I don't buy that posthole digger theory.

We can do a moulage, send the casts off

to the Wildlife Commission.

Hmm.

You know, I don't know why people say you're so dumb.

Well thank you.

What the hell is that?

Beats me.

But once I send it out of here,

I'm not gonna worry about it.

Let the whiz kids down state figure it out.

What about Melissa?

What about her?

You just gonna do nothing?

How's your leg feeling?

My leg's fine.

Then I'm gonna do nothing.

Hey, who says I'm dumb?

- Hi. - Hello.

So how are you set for white wine?

Actually, I do have this nice little,

California Chardonnay, full bodied, hint of citrus,

- nice. - Sounds delicious.

Coming right up.

You know this is gonna sound really phony.

But you look very familiar.

Stranger passing through.

Never been here before?

I would have remembered.

- Moe Harley. - Jennifer Katsmin.

Katsmin, Katsmin.

Didn't there used to be a family around here, by that name?

I know who you are!

You're Jennifer Kane!

That's right!

Jennifer Kane!

Lesbian Vampires from Mars!

- The Prison! - Tanned Heat!

Guys, guys!

You have me confused with some other

beautiful talented actress.

But if I ever see this Jennifer Kane woman,

I'll give her your regards.

So Miss uh, Katsmin.

Aww...

Jennifer Katsmin.

Okay Miss Katsmin, what brings you to our uh, little town?

Actually, I'm looking for a friend.

Really, I know everyone around here.

Do you know Melissa Weber?

I sure as hell do.

That little shit took a shot at me this afternoon.

She did?

Did she hit you?

- She winged me. - Did she really?

It ain't funny, Melvin.

Now, I hear there are laws against things like that.

Yeah well she'd be locked up right now

if her uncle wasn't the Sheriff.

You're not the Sheriff?

Nah, he's just the new deputy.

Shut up Moe!

Why you looking for her?

Oh we were friends,

I told her I'd look her up if I was in the area.

Oh yeah, well where'd you meet her?

We went to school together.

See now, you're a liar.

Well she ain't never left this area, her whole life.

And where's she living now?

- Oh she's just out on the... - Shut up, Moe.

She got a place outside of town,

a little cabin on Crabbe Creek Road.

She don't like strangers coming around.

Maybe that's why she shot at you.

You know uh, I'll give Melissa credit for one thing.

She used to be the prettiest girl in town.

Used to be?

What happened?

You showed up.

Aren't you just the charmer.

Look uh, I'm sorry,

we got off on the wrong foot.

Why don't you let me buy you another drink

and maybe afterwards we can take a drive

out to Melissa's place.

Oh yeah?

And what are the odds we'll run out of gas on the way?

We might, if you're lucky!

You are too funny.

So uh, so what do you say?

What do you think you're doing?

You're kind of jumpy there aren't you?

- I'm warning you! - You're warning me?

I...

Ooh...

Hey, you didn't pay for your drink!

Fuck!

Oh, oh, ah...

Not doing too well with the

ladies today, are you Sonny?

For the last time, shut up Moe!

This is private property, you're trespassing.

Melissa?

- Who's that? - Melissa it's me, Jenn!

Jenn...

Oh for god sakes Melissa, Jenn?

Jenifer, Jennifer Katsmin,

your best friend from high school.

- Jenn? - That's what I said.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Sure great to see you too after all these years.

- You moved away. - But I'm back now.

Are you at all glad to see me?

So, I just finished up this shoot in Manhattan and,

I had a couple of days so I thought what the hell,

I'll rent a car and see if I can't

find my old friend Melissa.

Manhattan, that's like hundreds of miles away.

Yeah like 600, but, that makes it 2000 closer

than Los Angeles, so, what the hell.

You live in Los Angeles now?

Yep, for like five years, modeling,

and making cheap exploitation movies.

I'm, Jennifer Kane.

I don't suppose you've seen any.

I, I don't go to the movies.

They're on TV all the time.

I don't have a TV.

I know.

Nor a phone or apparently even a mailbox.

Now, you seem to think that I betrayed you

by moving out of this sinkhole of a town?

But excuse me for wanting to have a life,

I made every effort to stay in touch with you.

I wrote, I tried to call, I sent birthday cards

and Christmas cards, even gifts, and you never even

- acknowledged them! - I never got them!

You never got them, any of them?

Oh, they don't deliver the mail out here anymore,

not since I...

I, anyway I never got them.

You know, this was all a mistake.

I'm sorry I came here,

I'm sorry I barged in on your idyllic existence.

I'll just go.

But, just so you know, as far as I was concerned,

we were always friends, we're still friends,

I still love you, so just deal with it!

Well, oh, well wait where are you,

where are you staying?

I don't, I don't know, I was,

gonna look for a place in town,

but I think I pissed off the local deputy.

Sonny Huggins?

I don't know I guess.

Macho guy, kind of a goon?

- That's Sonny. - He was getting fresh

with me in the bar today so I had to pop him one.

- You did? - Yes.

And then I maced him.

That's so funny,

I-I shot him in the ass this morning!

- You what? - I shot him in the ass.

- No you didn't? - Yes!

Oh my...

You actually shot him in the ass?

Yeah.

- Um... - That's funny.

You should stay here tonight.

I don't know are you sure?

I can't imagine you have many house guests here.

Please stay.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Sheriff Clarke.

Well that's right, yeah.

What did you find out about it?

A few miles outside of town.

No, it was more like a field.

- Who's that? - Although now that you

mention it,

- Who you talking to? - the tracks were heading

down towards the pond along

- the old Crabbe Creek Road. - Oh!

Hey, is this about that barn burning down?

Uh, that's right, Old Crabbe Creek.

What about it?

- Hey, is this about that - We'd be glad to have

- one of your guys - barn burning down

- last night? - come down her but...

Can't you tell me anything at all?

- Is this about that lost dog? - Will you shut up?

No, not you, I'm sorry.

Yeah all right.

When's he coming down?

This afternoon?

Sure, that'll be fine.

Okay yeah, thanks.

- Who was that? - It was the

State Wildlife Commission.

And you know I hate it when you badger me

when I'm talking on the phone!

What'd they have to say?

Not much.

All questions and no answers.

What the hell is this?

That's an egg white sandwich.

I asked for a bacon, sausage, egg, and extra cheese.

That's better for you.

Last time you had your physical,

your cholesterol was through the roof.

Try it, it's good.

Didn't they tell you anything?

No.

But something lit a fire under their feet.

They're sending one of their guys down this afternoon.

This afternoon?

We only sent them the cast yesterday.

Well, they're sending a guy this afternoon.

Man this thing looks like crap!

What do you got?

Sausage and egg.

With cheese?

Yeah.

Well there ain't nothing wrong with my cholesterol.

Hey!

Have that.

Eat it.

It sucks!

Eat it!

Maybe next time you'll get me what I ask for.

So that's how you made your living, huh?

- Looking like that? - That's right.

What's the point of being good looking

if you don't get paid for it?

- You should try it. - Yeah.

No I'm serious, come back to LA with me.

I can introduce you to my agent,

you're a good looking girl,

he can get you some work.

No thanks.

I-I, haven't got the boobs.

Oh what are you talking about?

You have adorable boobs.

How would you know?

Because I've seen them.

- When? - High school, gym class?

Oh...

Well, I think they're a little bigger now.

I should hope so.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

Hey listen, in those movies you do,

do you ever have to take your clothes off?

- Sometimes. - In front of all those

- guys you work with? - Yeah.

And those movies are shown all over the world.

And guys watch them.

And you know what those guys do when

they watch you naked, don't you?

Man I could never do anything like that.

No I guess not.

Not me.

So, what do you do?

What do you mean?

Well, how do you support yourself,

what do you do for money?

Um, I'm okay.

What is okay?

Um, my parents left me some money,

and, and my Uncle Ray invested it, so, I do fine.

So, you just hang around here all day?

Well, I take care of the property.

Um, I protect the things that live here.

I keep people away.

Hey, you know what we should do?

We should go out tonight.

Oh, no.

Oh come on, it'll be fun!

I haven't been back in five years!

I want to see some of the old places!

I don't leave the pond at night.

- You go. - No, you have to come.

It won't be the same without you.

We can get a pizza at Antonio's?

Boy, I don't remember the last time I had pizza.

Remember that time we went

and Nick Gordon came in with his girlfriend?

Chastity!

Boy talk about false advertising!

Yeah, she started ragging on you,

so you poured that hot sauce down her pants.

And she said it was burning so you put

a pitcher of ice water down her ass...

Oh, we were a hell of a team.

Come on, it'll be fun, you have to.

I'll think about it.

Don't tell me you can't do anything!

My Basel has been gone since early this morning

and he never disappears without telling me

- where he's goin'! - I'm sorry Mrs. Tromby,

there's really nothing I can do about it at this stage.

I'll keep my eyes open, and if I see Basel,

I'll send him home to you, that's all.

Can't you put out a bulletin, call the State Police?

This is a domestic issue, the state won't get involved.

Why don't you just go on home and wait for him?

He's bound to show up sooner or later.

You're useless, this is useless.

I don't even know what I pay taxes for.

I don't know Mrs. Tromby.

Husband take off?

Basel's her toy poodle.

Nasty little bastard.

A lot of small animals go missing around here?

No more than most places I don't reckon.

Mind telling me who you are?

Stewart MacKendrick.

State Wildlife Commission.

Oh yeah, right.

Good to meet you.

And what's the verdict on that cast we sent?

Well, we're going to need a little more information

before I can be positive.

But you have an idea or, you wouldn't be here.

Can you take me to the place where you found the tracks?

- No. - No?

Mr. MacKendrick, I'm not one of those small town Sheriffs

you see on TV, I don't piece together clues,

and I don't solve mysteries every week.

I break up fights and, hand out traffic tickets.

And I'm fine with that.

'Cause I don't like mysteries, they confuse me,

and they piss me off.

So if we're gonna get along,

you gotta be a lot less mysterious.

Fair enough.

Help yourself.

I suspect that the tracks you sent me

belong to Decapod crustacean of the order, Brachyura.

Dumb it down for me.

A crab.

That'd be one big ass crab.

Yes it would.

The largest known crab is the Beringer King Crab.

The one that made those tracks would be,

, substantially bigger.

I thought crabs were saltwater animals.

No, there are over 1300 species of freshwater crab.

Though you don't normally see them this far north.

They're pretty interesting creatures.

They can breath on land, live in caves, hollow tree trunks.

They're nocturnal animals, foraging at night.

And unlike saltwater crabs,

which lay thousands of eggs and abandon them,

freshwater crab will lay only a few eggs,

and look after their young when they've hatched.

Charming.

Do they rip down barns and slaughter cattle?

Not as a rule.

Do you want to show me where you found the tracks now?

Sure.

So you think a crab

did that huh?

No.

I said these tracks were made by a crab.

For all I know, someone drove a bulldozer through that wall.

Funny, that's what I said.

Did you notice these little tracks?

No.

They're all over the place.

I would say the creatures that made these tracks were about,

1/10 the size of the larger one.

Creatures?

Too many to be just one animal.

- Babies? - I don't know.

Maybe, or just smaller variants, I don't know.

I'm not being mysterious, I just don't know.

Mind if I look around for a little on my own?

Can't wait for you.

I'll find my way back.

Eh, suit yourself.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I said, what the hell do you think you're doing?

You, you startled the life out of me!

What, what's the gun for?

It's for people who don't give me straight answers!

I usually start shooting by the third time

I have to ask a question!

- Now I said... - Stop!

I'm Stewart MacKendrick,

I'm with the State Wildlife Commission!

I was asked to come down here by Sheriff Clarke

to investigate some unusual tracks that he found.

- Run! - What?

You are on my property!

You have five seconds to get off of my property,

now I advise you to start running!

Let me, let me explain!

- One! - Just give me a second!

Two!

Look, a UFO!

Three four five!

Come on Moe, give me a beer!

ask you, you have no ID.

But you know I'm over 21!

- But can you prove it? - Prove it?

You've known me my whole life!

You sold me my first fake ID!

That's not the point!

I'm required by law to see the ID

of anyone under the age

of 27.

27?

Come on give me a beer!

If you're gonna be disorderly,

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Hey Daisy, buy me a beer.

Hey, Sketch, buy you're own.

This asshole won't let me.

You look tired Daisy.

I am tired.

Hard day on the mattress baby.

You know what, I bet you can't even remember

the last time you had a hard day at the mattress.

Nice, nice burn Daisy, buy me a beer?

- Get bent. - Aw...

How 'bout a martini, Moe.

Martini, really?

Martini, really.

Uh, we're all out of olives.

That's all right, I'm on a diet anyway.

I just got back from a date with the biggest loser ever!

Is that what you call it now, Daisy?

Dates?

Can it!

Ugh, gee Moe, are you ever gonna learn

how to make a decent martini?

You're the only one who ever asks for 'em!

Ugh, forget it, what do I owe you?

No charge.

But next time order a scotch or something all right?

I'm getting sick and tired of tossing

gin and vermouth down the drain!

- Piss off. - Yeah...

Okay, which one of you losers,

can give me a ride home?

Oh come on, one of yous has to be going my way!

Uh I, I can give you a lift.

Huh?

The way you drive?

I want to get home in one piece!

What do you mean, everybody knows I'm

the best driver in town!

best driver in town then, I'll walk!

Hey Daisy, maybe you can find another date!

Hoo!

Damn Moe you can't make a martini.

Oh...

Come on Daisy get in, I'll give you a lift.

Oh my god, I thought something was chasing me!

Maybe you can do something for me sometime.

Come on Dais,

just a quickie!

I said no!

Uh, every time you come in that bar Daisy

you just make me nuts!

Well control your nuts, you're a married man, Moe!

I won't tell my wife!

- Come on! - I said no!

- God! - What's the matter?

I'm not good enough for you or something, is that it?

Yeah, that's it!

- Oh god... - Really.

Here's 50 bucks, what'll that buy me?

Oh, you want to know, you want to know what, smarty?

Huh?

- That! - Hey, that was 50 bucks!

I have never had sex for money,

I will never have sex for money,

and if I ever did have sex for money

it wouldn't be with a pig

like you!

Oh, jeez!

Ow...

Day , Daisy, Daisy, come on wait, Daisy!

I'm sorry, Daisy, Daisy!

I'll give you a ride home, I promise!

Daisy!

Daisy, Daisy!

Come on, Dais, I'm sorry!

Day, come, get back in the truck, Daisy!

Oh Daisy, come on!

Come on, Daisy!

Uh, I'm sorry!

Daisy, I said I was sorry, what the hell more do you want?

I want you to leave me the hell alone!

Daisy come on, I'll give you a ride home, don't...

Stupid, dumb...

Woo!

What is it?

God damn giant spiders!

Spiders, no, no, I hate spiders!

God damn,

giant spiders!

Ah!

- Nah, no, nah... - It's me, it's me, it's me!

There's spider, spiders everywhere!

Spiders, that was a crab, a big ass crab!

What are you doing, we gotta get out of here!

- Got one! - You're insane!

We gotta get out of here!

Two for one!

You don't know who you're messing with,!

Oh my god!

And it's gonna get us, it's gonna get us!

Go go go go go go!

Go go go!

That was awesome!

- Hello? - Dale?

- Yeah, hello? - Dale, it's MacKenzie.

What are you doing calling me at home?

This couldn't wait.

I just sent you some pictures.

Check 'em out, will you?

- Now? - Yeah now.

Hold on.

Hey, what the hell is this stuff?

The first ones are egg sacks,

but they're the size of footballs.

The others are discarded exoskeleton.

How, how big?

About eight feet across.

- Holy crap. - Say it, say I was right.

You were right.

Those prints came from a gigantic frickin' crab!

But where did it come from?

I don't know.

I got chased off the property by some crazy lady with

a shotgun before I could investigate any further.

But listen, I'm gonna need you to do some digging,

to find anything in the area that may have been

responsible for that form of mutation.

You mean like H-bomb tests, mad scientists...

Yeah, the usual suspects.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Hey, come here a second.

- I asked for scotch. - Uh-hmm.

This isn't scotch.

I think it's tequila.

Is it?

Don't you know?

What kind of bartender are you?

I'm not a bartender.

I, I work down the street at a garage, man.

What?

The real guy, Moe,

he took off and told me to take part of his job,

until he got back, and now I haven't seen him

for a long time, and I've been here working.

You know is there anything else I can get you?

No, this is fine.

I really don't think this is a good idea.

I want to go home.

No you don't.

Besides, you look cute as hell.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Let's go.

Hey, Melissa, how are you doing?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing out of your cage?

Huh, what can I do for yous?

I don't know, what's he having?

I guess some tequila.

Uh-huh.

Tequila it is.

I'll have one, and another one for this gentleman.

What do you want?

I don't know.

- Ginger ale. - Please.

Get her a dry white wine.

Huh, good luck.

What's that

- supposed to mean? - Well as a bartender,

here's a fine mechanic.

Yeah that's true.

I work down the street as a mechanic,

- and what's more... - Are you getting them

a drink or no?

So I take it you're

not from around here?

Right back at you.

I'm Jennifer.

This is my friend Melissa.

Stewart.

Stewart MacKendrick.

Stewart MacKendrick?

Where's your Clyde Ferguson accent?

Oh you must be thinking of my grandfather.

What brings you around here?

I'm with the State Wildlife Commission.

That sounds glamorous.

Actually right now it's a little more

interesting than you might think.

I'm down here investigating some unusual animal tracks.

What, like Bigfoot or something?

That's not too far off.

You want to get a table?

Want to join us?

Yeah, why not?

I'm fine here.

- Come on Melissa! - Hey, come on,

it's not every day a science geek like me

gets to hang out with two beautiful women.

I said I'm fine here!

Melissa, please!

Maybe this was a mistake.

Do you want to just go?

Yes!

Gimme a beer!

You!

And you!

Oh this is too good!

And there ain't no Uncle Sheriff around to protect you now!

The two of you are gonna come down to the station

with me, oh and when we get there oh boy

that's when the fun is gonna start!

Come on!

- Hey, hey, hold on! - Hey,!

Butt out, buddy!

- Get off,! - Hold on!

- Hey! - Calm down pal!

- Can't you read the sign? - I said hold on!

No fighting!

Oosh!

If you're fighting, you're not allowed back in!

Get out of the bar!

- Go,! - Oh!

Oh!

Oh god!

- Can't you see that sign? - God!

- Get out of the bar, - Get...

get out of the bar!

Call the police Joe!

Get off of me!

down here!

Get out of the bar!

Come on, you can't hit girls!

Hey asshole!

What?

Let's take this outside.

You gotta be kidding!

You, me, let's go!

I don't fight chicks.

Are you scared?

But I'll make an exception for you.

When she kicks his ass, I will never live this down.

What the hell is this?

It some kind of chop saki, bullshit...

Oh, oh I'm gonna enjoy this!

Ooh, ah!

Son of a, bitch!

I've been doing action films for five years!

Had some damn good trainers!

Oh my god

you should have seen them, they were all over the road!

Crabs, they must have been this big,

- they were huge! - Crabs?

Uh, what's this about crabs?

Huge, on the road, like this big!

- Ask Daisy! - They killed Moe!

What's this?

- They killed who? - All right, take me

to where you saw these things.

I have to change a tire first.

No time, let's go!

Wait a second,

- who got killed? - So is, everybody nuts in

- this town? - Who got killed?

I have to go home right now!

- All right. - Will somebody listen to me?

I'm the law around here!

Aw crap.

Okay how many of them were there all together?

Uh, four, five, maybe six!

Where'd these things come from anyways?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Look, I was at some old ruin in the woods today,

and some crazy lady came after me with a shotgun.

Yeah, that's Sally Rae, she's a hoot huh?

Do you know where this place is?

Yeah.

All right, take me there!

What am I, you're chouffeur?

All right I'll pay you 50 bucks!

Okay.

Great, let me get this straight!

Your best friend is a giant crab?

Well, he wasn't giant when I got him!

- He just sort of, grew! - What...

My, my father was working on some kind of formula.

I don't know what it was,

all he ever told me was that it made things big,

like I was some stupid little kid or something.

And, and, I was feeding Peewee food from the lab maybe,

and I noticed that he was getting pretty big for a crab.

But it was gradual, uh,

like, like the Amanda Bellamy gained all that weight

but no one realized because it was a little at a time?

Amanda Bellamy didn't get as big as a house!

Well, you didn't see her in her prom dress.

And she didn't kill innocent people!

No, Goliath would never kill anyone!

- Goliath? - Well I couldn't

very well keep calling him Peewee!

Anyways, he-he's gentle, uh, he never even leaves the pond!

So where is he now?

I don't know.

Something is going on, I just don't know what it is.

So what are those things?

Those are the egg sacks.

Those little crabs you saw?

That's where they came from.

And that big beauty, that's the exoskeleton.

Crab shells don't grow,

so every few years they shed the old shell

and grow a new one.

So the big one I saw was the mamma crab.

Yeah.

Which must mean, there's, there's a

poppa crab around here too.

Hmm, not necessarily.

Male sperm can lay dormant in a female for years,

decades even with a monster this size.

So, so these guys could have hooked up years ago

and they're just having babies now?

That's right.

Man I'm glad it doesn't work that way with people.

Sh!

Let's go.

Gross!

Look at that!

It's fascinating!

Are those the babies?

That's right.

Normally it would take up to two weeks to hatch.

But a mutation this size, I don't know.

Ugh...

Oh this is gross!

Sh!

- Uh! - Come on.

Who's that on my land?

Huh, it's Sally Rae!

- Hey, Sal... - No no!

Uh, hey Sal, it's me Sketch?

Sketch?

Look at these!

- What are they? - Crab eggs!

Crab eggs?

Sketch, you're full of crap!

There ain't no crab big enough to lay eggs this size!

No I aint!

I saw it with my own eyes!

It's as big as a bus!

Telling the truth.

That what made these tracks?

That's right.

And these things are gonna hatch?

You mean there's gonna be giant baby crabs

running all over my land?

That's right.

Oh, the hell with that!

Don't, don't!

Aw!

Get the hell out of here man.

Good idea!

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Ah!

Stop!

Oh...

Is that, Moe?

Yeah.

I think so anyway, from what's left of his face.

We'll take prints to make sure.

At least they didn't eat his fingers.

Daisy said it was giant crabs did this!

I believe her.

That's what made those tracks we found.

And we know where those tracks lead to!

- I know. - This time you

can't let it slide!

You gotta duty to perform!

Don't tell me what my duty is!

I will take care of it!

Melissa!

Melissa, open up!

Melissa, it's Ray!

Open up!

I'm gonna go down and check by the pond,

you keep checking the house!

Right.

What if I find 'em?

Hold 'em, and call me.

Sonny!

Call me!

Right.

Melissa!

Melissa!

- Melissa! - What are you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here!

What the hell's going on?

Get off of my property!

- Not this time Melissa. - Get off my property!

People are being killed and I want some answers!

Get out of here!

- Calm down Melissa! - Out!

- Get off of me! - Calm down Melissa!

- What's going on? - Take it easy!

Are you gonna behave yourself?

All right that's it, cuff her!

Wait a minute!

You, stay out of this!

Take her down town and lock her up!

- Right! - And then

come right back here!

Wait, can I go with them?

No!

And Sonny no funny business!

Do you have to do it like this?

Do you think I like this?

I raised this kid!

Are you the one that kicked his ass?

- Yeah. - You can go see her later.

You're gonna be sorry for this!

I don't doubt it a bit.

Hey!

Hey!

What's going on back there?

You ever see this thing for yourself?

No, she told me about it but, I haven't seen it.

Unbelievable.

A damn giant crab living in that pond

all these years, and none of us knew a thing about it.

Well, she said it never leaves the pond.

Yeah.

She's never seen it leave the pond.

These lakes and ponds are all connected

with underwater caverns.

That thing could come and go as it pleases

and she'd never know.

This oughta be fun.

Yeah, this is Sheriff Clarke down at Crabbe Creek,

put me through to the National Guard headquarters.

Now how do I make 'em believe this?

Hey!

Hey!

What's going on back there?

Hey!

I am talking to you!

Son of a...

bitch!

Ah!

Ah!

What are you gonna do now,

you big, overgrown piece of sushi?

You're not so good at climbing, are you?

Ha!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Uh, oh, oh...

Ah!

No, no!

No, here comes!

No Goliath no,

come on we have to go!

No, they're coming!

To go, we have to go!

Come on, up, up!

We have got to get to the cops,

that thing is far too dangerous!

Although, I'd hate to see a specimen

get destroyed before I've had a chance to examine it.

Hey, why are you slowing down?

So much for calling the cops.

Yeah I don't see any bodies.

You think they got ate?

I wouldn't doubt it.

Hey look, no offense to your local pride and all,

but it's gonna take a lot more than a

small town Sheriff's Department to figure this one out.

Look at that!

It's Melissa, Melissa Weber!

It looks like they're headed to her place.

We can't follow 'em through the woods.

- I know a faster way. - Let's go!

Put Dave Henderson on the phone!

Yeah I don't give a rat's ass

if he's sleeping or not...

Hello?

Hello?

God, I now their Company Commander down there!

We were in the marines together.

If I could just get him on the phone!

Yeah, like he'd believe me anyway.

So now what?

Otis.

Otis, yeah this is Ray.

Sheriff Clarke.

Remember when I busted you on that

illegal military ordnance?

How much of that stuff do you have left?

No this is not a trap.

Listen Otis, I swear to you,

no matter what you tell me right now,

I will not press charges.

Otis, have you ever known me to lie to you before?

Yeah my word, okay?

Uh huh, you got what?

Holy shit where the hell'd you get that?

Nevermind, just round up some of your buddies

and bring 'em down here to Crabbe Creek Pond.

You're gonna get to hunt something you'll never forget!

Sheriff!

We just saw it and it's coming this way!

- I figured it would. - It's got that girl

- with it too! - Yeah, Melissa!

She's riding that thing like a damn pet pony!

Melissa?

Sonny had her in custody, he was taking her downtown!

Well they never made it.

We passed their car on the way over,

looked like a bomb had gone off in it.

- Sonny? - Nowhere to be found.

He must'a gotten out of here.

Son of a bitch!

This isn't gonna make it any easier!

And Sheriff, that crab's shell must be

at least two inches thick!

Shotgun blasts will bounce right off it!

Yeah, well I got reinforcements coming.

Sounds like them now.

Okay Ray, what are we hunting?

Everybody ready?

- Ready! - Ready.

Ready!

All right, now everybody get this clear!

Nobody shoots until I say the word!

What he think, we're stupid or something?

We got it.

This better be good.

It will be, believe me.

Now kill all the lights, and nobody make a sound.

Okay, let's play.

- Ready? - Ready.

- Okay. - 10,000.

Aw...

- Watch his shot John. - That's one.

- Eight. - Eight.

- Whoa, take her. - Okay,

come and get a beer.

Oh...

- Jack! - Take that two.

Well, I will.

- A dirty dealer. - Six.

I just like salt with it.

Where is he...

Wait for it.

Hit the lights!

Hold your fire, don't shoot, don't shoot!

Melissa, get off that thing!

No, get out of here, all of you!

- What the hell's going on? - Get off that thing!

- No, this is my land! - Melissa, Melis...

- He's my friend, - Somebody get her

- out of here! - I'm not gonna let you

kill it!

Get out of here, all of you!

He's my friend, this is my private property,

you're tres...

Fire!

No!

No!

Cease fire, cease fire!

- You okay? - Did we get him?

Yeah?

Oh Dave, thanks for calling me back.

Now listen to what I have to say,

because this is important,

and every fricking word of it is true!

Melissa, they had to do it, they had no choice!

- That thing is dangerous! - No!

Look, I seen it kill a woman,

and it probably killed that deputy.

Oh, and what did they do to him, huh?

What did they do?

Her.

- Her? - The crab's a female.

It was spawning.

- It had babies? - The babies

are the real danger.

Newborns, they're insatiable,

they'll go after anything they can find.

Where are the babies now?

Hmph, gone, dead.

And is, is, she going to have any more?

I don't know, probably not.

She's already spawned twice and,

usually that's all they can do before

having to mate again.

And good luck finding a male crab up to the job.

MacKendrick?

You may want to get the girls out of here.

What's going on?

I just got off the phone with my contact in the military.

They're sending a plane over to bomb the pond.

Should be here in about an hour.

- Right. - How's she doing?

Known that girl all her life.

I'm the last family she's got left.

Always was an odd one.

She was a sweet girl growing up though.

A shame her folks never knew she was around.

Take care of her.

Yeah, sure.

- What did he say? - What did he say?

No sign of the creature yet.

You know this thing's been living in the pond

for well over a decade now and no one even knew about it?

How dangerous could it actually be?

- What? - He would never

hurt anyone ever!

You saw it kill a woman yourself!

I saw it kill a woman that destroyed its eggs,

and then went after it with a shotgun.

You can't blame an animal

for trying to defend itself.

So you're taking the crab's side now?

I-I'm just saying, I just...

I just don't know if I want to see this thing destroyed.

- Well... - At least un,

until I've had a chance to study it.

Well, uh, I can't say you don't have a point but,

we don't have a choice.

Those trigger happy buffoons won't stop,

until they see that shell floating up out of the pond.

I think I have an idea.

Any word on the planes?

They've been delayed but, they're on their way.

All right, I'm gonna take the girls into town.

Well Sketch took his car.

That's all right, we're gonna take Melissa's truck.

I'm gonna get 'em squared away, I'm gonna come back.

All right.

Hey, thanks.

No problem.

Do you really think this is going to work?

It'll work.

It's like the ending of The Sting.

Only with a giant crab.

Trust me!

This is the stupidest plan, I've ever heard!

Will you stop?

It's going to be fine!

How are we even going to do this

- without being seen? - I don't know how,

but don't-don't worry about it,

just drive where I tell you!

- Where are we? - My cabin's just on

the other side of those woods.

See the light?

- So now what? - How long can you

hold your breath?

Are you kidding me?

What the hell.

The girls all set?

What's going on here?

They should be here any minute.

When the bombs start dropping,

it's probably gonna try to escape to land.

It's your job to keep it back!

Between us, and the planes, we'll get it!

Understood?

What an asshole.

look at the show!

Here they come!

Cease fire, cease fire!

We got him!

Right?

Looks that way.

Disagreeable ex, crab!

I was wondering if!

- Yahoo! - Must be dead.

Must be dead.

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