All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S09E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

All right, all right,
all right, uh...

Hi, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

talking about experience.

It's a word. It's a thing.

Vague and boring thing.

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

holding an empty legal pad
with no information,

nothing on it!

Hey, good morning, handsome.

No time for compliments, honey.
I got to get this vlog written.

-Well, why are you in here?
-Eh, it's quieter in here.

Too many distractions
in my office.

You've got to stop
buying me model cars.

Well, maybe the problem is
you don't have your lucky pen.

Yeah, I don't know
what I did with my lucky pen.

It was around here.
I sure could use it,

'cause this is
an important vlog, honey.

-This is tenth anniversary.
-All right.

I got it. I will be
out of your hair in one minute.

Okay, thanks.

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man...

(plastic bag crackling)

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

talking about a very tasteless

rice cereal.

Almost done.
I'm almost done. Almost.

All right. Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

talking about--
oh, perseverance.

Perseverance.

I'm sure Aristotle said
something about perseverance.

Perseverance.

(spits)

(Vanessa spitting)

(coughing)

(laughs)

Really?

-The milk. Uh, sorry.
No, go ahead.
-Yeah.

Perseverance
and Aristotle and...

Yeah, I'm just gonna
look it up on Google later.

I got to find that pen.
I need that lucky pen.

(disposal grinding)

(Vanessa gasps)

(laughs, stammers)

Your-your lucky pen.

Uh...

Pieces of it.
(chuckles)

♪ ♪

(exhales)

(ball thudding)

(thudding stops)

Oh, thank you, God.

(ball thudding)

That's it,
I'm not coming on Sunday.

He's still bouncing that ball?

I hope so,
'cause I can still hear it.

I think it's time
for an intervention.

Okay.

You be good cop, and
I'll be the guy that kills him.

Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Mike, what's with
the bouncy-bouncy here?

W-What's going on?

I can't think of
a topic for my new vlog,

and normally one comes to me
after about 20 bounces.

-All right,
where are you at now?
-At 1,033.

I understand
why you're struggling.

It's the tenth anniversary.
It's the big one.

The one that has to top all
the ones that came before it.

The Beyoncé of vlogs.

Well, it c-- Maybe, uh,
some fresh air would help.

Maybe take a walk
around the block.

-Or to Kansas.
-Mm-hmm.

-Huh?
-A change of scenery
might do you good.

Try writing at home.
You do very good work there.

I already tried that. Vanessa
wants me to fix the disposal.

Why don't you just
hire someone to fix it?

Problem with that: I'm a man.

When something goes wrong
in my castle, I fix it.

Something goes wrong
in my castle,

I'm assuming it has
something to do with ghosts.

I own an actual castle.

Listen, I'm just gonna stick
around here, pace a little bit.

I'll figure it out. I just
need some time by myself, guys.

I will give you $200 cash money

to check into the Marriott
down the road.

Hey, Mikey, why don't you
come into my office.

I'll put on some Tito Puente.

-A little mambo to break
that writer's block. Hey.
-Yeah.

You're gonna play jazz music?
Never mind.

I will handle this at home,

and I'll just take care
of the disposal myself.

Why don't you have Vanessa
go online and hire a handyman?

Hey, there's a good idea.

Why don't I hire somebody else
to do the work around my house?

What do I do after that, huh?
Oh, I know.

I'll stop by the salon
and get a mani-pedi.

Don't knock it, Mikey.

I met two wives like that.

Come on. Come on now.

(squeals) I forgot
how good this show was.

Oh, my God, we have been
watching this for five hours.

-Mm. My legs are numb.
-Time for one more?

Sure. We'll stop
when it hits my arms.

(music playing over TV)

-Hey. What are you guys doing?
-Hey.

Oh, well, Mandy discovered that
one of our favorite shows ever,

The League of Super Ladies,
is streaming.

Oh, yeah? What's that
streaming on? Lame-o-Vision?

-The, uh, Stink Channel?
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Poop TV?

Uh, Channel Nobody Watches This?

Hey, The League is not lame.

-Super Ladies kicks ass.
-Yeah.

Needles, needles,
needles, needles.

Do you guys even know
anything about the show?

Uh, four high school girls
walking past the old power plant

when it gets
struck by lightning.

(imitates snoring)

(yawns)
I am sleepy.

You're awfully informed
for two guys who don't like it.

Uh, well, as podcasters,
we are obliged to know

everything about the sci-fi/
fantasy/superhero universe.

-Oh, you forgot a slash:
Middle-earth.
-Mm.

-(both imitate snoring)
-RYAN: Okay, look, guys.

When it comes to superheroes,
there is the real thing--

Toxic Titans--
and then there are imitators,

like League of Super Ladies.

Okay, why don't you just
watch an episode with us?

This next one is so good.

Oh, yeah, Dazzle is captured
by Queen Andromeda,

who gives her amnesia
with a memory puff.

But Mascara is able
to reverse it

by flying her through
a hyper-void.

Huh. Does, uh,
that sound familiar, Kyle?

I don't know, um, Toxic Titans,
volume 12, issue two:

"A Trip Down Memory Pain."

Everyone stole storylines
from the great Bill Lamp, okay?

Creator of Toxic Titans,
godfather of graphic novels.

Unparalleled genius.

It's not anything
against the Super Ladies.

It's just that Lamp
turned his light on first.

Well, The League of Super Ladies

(clears throat)
first aired in April '92.

Toxic Titans volume 12
wasn't even published until '95.

Well, looks like
your unparalleled genius

stole a storyline
from our lame little show.

-No. That's impossible.
-Don't you want to watch

-an episode now that you know
that Bill Lamp was a huge fan?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, hard pass. Come on.

Yeah, enjoy watching
your Rube Tube.

(chuckles)
Oh, man, I am on fire!

Hey, babe, that handyman
parked his van

right in the middle
of the driveway.

Uh, yeah-- uh, look,
don't worry about that.

Listen, honey, um,
you're not gonna believe this.

What, that you hired a handyman
and he's inconsiderate?

-Yeah, I believe it.
-(stammers) Wait, wait.

Turns out that he's one of
the bosses of the company,

and when he found out
that this is your house,

he came himself
so he could meet you.

Do-- Have you looked at him?
Does-does he looks nuts?

Uh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

(laughs):
He's a little bit crazy.

-Okay, but come on.
-No, no, no.

-Yeah. No. Honey.
-I-I don't have time for this.

I got an idea for the vlog
in the car on the way home.

-Come...
-Please listen.
Just listen to me.

-Yeah. All right.
-I want to say that
everybody is different.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-We're different
like snowflakes.

-Yeah, yeah, okay.
-You know, in a good way.

-Yeah.
-Not the whiny liberal way.

-Okay.
-Just hold it.

Listen, what I want to say
is everybody is unique...

There he is.

-There I am. There I am.
-Mm-hmm.

Th-This, this is bizarre.

This is bizarre, sorry.

-Freaky.
-Yeah, I know.
Isn't it great? (chuckles)

Whoa.

Y-You look just like me, except
his hair's a little grayer.

-VANESSA: Yeah.
-And you look just like me,
but you color your hair.

(chuckles)
Hey, what?

I don't color my hair.

Well, anyway, Tim Taylor.

-Mike Baxter.
-Hey.

You know, uh, th-this is
just like The Parent Trap,

o-only it's
The Grandparent Trap.

(laughter)

She's funny. You must laugh
all day long with this.

Yeah, it's like
living with Howie Mandel.

I'm gonna get my phone,
which is upstairs.

And if there are three of you
when I get back down here,

then I will know
that this is a dream.

I like chatting with your wife.
She's a lot of fun.

How come we've never met before?

Well, I'm not from here.
I'm from Detroit.

I'm just out here checking on

one of our franchises
for Binford Tools.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Binford
Tools. They make great stuff.

Well, anyway, a lot of people
have been telling me

for a long time
that there's this outdoor guy

that looks just like me,
and, well...

So they're talking
about me in Detroit?

Well, what else is there
to talk about?

-Certainly not the Lions.
-(both laugh)

Ooh.

Yeah.

The other day,
when your wife's call came in,

there was buzz
around the office.

They said, "This is the job
at the Outdoor Man's house."

And I said-- So I-I really had
to go out and take the job.

Well, you're lucky, 'cause
I don't hire many handymen.

I'm pretty good
with tools myself.

And yet, here I am.

I-I was pretty famous myself.

I had this TV show for
eight years called Tool Time.

And yet, here you are.

It ran eight years.

They called me The Tool Man.

(grunting):
Oh-oh. Ah-ha. Oh. Oh.

(Tim laughs)

Kind of my thing,
'cause it was, you know, me...

(grunting):
Oh-oh.

Ho, ho, ho.

(chuckles)

A little annoying.
(chuckles)

Yeah. Listen.

Welcome to
your Disposerator 2000.

Eggshells, leftovers,
incriminating evidence--

that'll grind up everything.

Plus, I also added 220 volts,

double-auger big-speed
one core--

(grunting):
yo, oh, oh, more power!

(laughs)

Still annoying.

Let's give it a shot. Ready?

Drop it in. You go anytime.

(laughs)
Yeah.

-Do you also fix ceilings?
-Eh, it's not a big deal.

Oh, no.

Okay, let's play Monopoly.

Prepare to lose,
in six or seven hours.

Uh, yeah, before we start,

we have a little presentation
for you.

Presentation?

Is this about how Monopoly
is pro-capitalist again?

We know. The guy wears
a tuxedo and a top hat.

One Bill Lamp has been accused
of the high crime of plagiarism.

-Oh, gosh.
You guys are still on this?
-(sighs)

And we have two theories
that would explain

why Mr. Lamp's Toxic Titans
volume 12, issue two,

has a similar plot to an episode
of League of Super Ladies,

which aired three years prior.

-Ryan.
-Thank you, Kyle.

Theory number one:

Bill Lamp was known
to work on his stories

years before
they were published.

And he was also known to have
a very loud speaking voice

and to frequent hotel bars
for the nuts.

(laughs)
Now I know why you idolize him.

(laughs)

Is it not possible then
that an eager young writer

with less than noble intent
would place himself...

-Or herself.
-...in said hotel bar
in order to overhear

an inebriated genius,
high on gin and cashews,

recite his stories out loud?

How dare he or she?

This might take
longer than Monopoly.

Yeah, and would it really be
so terrible if your hero,

-Bill Lamp, was inspired
by our favorite show?
-Yeah.

Yeah, it would.

It's beneath him.

Wow. Okay, you know what?

We may not want to hang out
with you guys tonight.

Yeah, agreed.
You two can play

in your little comic book
courtroom alone.

-Ooh, sushi?
-Sounds great.

You guys haven't even heard
theory number two yet.

Yeah, it's time travel!

Oh, come on, Mike. Why don't
you just let Tim fix it?

No, I'm not gonna do
what this country does--

outsource work
that I can do myself.

How can you not have
this guy's back?

He-he looks just like you.

You know, I don't care
how handsome the guy is.

He blew up my disposal.

And why are you defending him?

I don't know.
I kind of like him.

You know,
we had this long conversation

while we were waiting for you,
and it turns out

he's got three grown kids--
only boys.

I mean, he's smart, he's funny.

You guys-- you're a lot alike.

You might want to remember
who you're married to.

Oh, well, that's easy.

It's the guy in my bedroom.
(chuckles)

Wait, wait.

You-you're Mike, right?

Yes, and Tim is that guy

that makes
the obnoxious ape sounds.

What's up with that?

I think it's kind of funny.
(laughs)

I think he leans into it
a little much, right?

Probably why that show of his
got canceled.

No, it did not get canceled.

He said he just didn't want
to do it anymore.

You know what
I don't want to do anymore?

Have him work
on the damn disposal.

I got to get this vlog done.

I need some peace and quiet
around here.

Well, what happened to that one
about how everybody's unique?

(chuckles)

That was pretty relevant
until today.

Well, you know what,
just let him fix what he broke.

He's got a lot of pride.

Oh, you know what?

Maybe, maybe you could use
one of his grunts

in your vlog, you know,
just give it more power.

Like this. (grunting)

I'd rather get shot
in the head with a carrot.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna look in those

steely blue eyes
and that perfect nose and say,

"You're out of here, man."

This is getting really weird.

Just a little bit.

Hey, Baxter,
talked to your wife.

Said you're out here.
What are you doing?

Uh, fixing the breaker

and the more-power disposal
that you fried yesterday.

That's why I'm here.
That's what I do.

I don't think so, Tim.

We're gonna get somebody else
to finish the job.

I suppose I don't deserve
a second chance.

That more-power stuff
worked better on my show

and not so good
at my house, either.

So we're sharing now?

Well, not sharing.

I always found it easier
to open up when I'm just talking

to the top half
of another man's face.

Very particular fetish
you've got.

I did it with Wilson.

Please tell me
you're not talking about

that stupid volleyball
in that Tom Hanks movie.

I love Tom Hanks.

I always feel like
he's the second best guy

in some of those films.

-Who was Wilson?
-Oh, one of my neighbors.

Actually, for many, many years,

I shared a lot of stuff
with him.

He passed away.

I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, me, too.

I miss Wilson.

I miss a lot of stuff.
(stammers)

Listen, I will get somebody
out here to fix this.

A pro, one of our guys.
It's on us.

Damn.

I look as good walking away
as I do from the front.

I am so glad we found this.
It's too perfect.

Ready to make
a couple of little boys cry?

-No, that's bullying.
-I'm talking about our husbands.

(laughs):
Oh, yeah, that's different.

Hey, guys, can you come
in here for a second?

Hey, what's up?

We're trying to figure out what
to do with our next podcast.

Yeah, we want to do an episode
about how Bill Lamp was robbed

by these other shows
and his accountant

and his brother-in-law.

But we don't want him
to seem like a sucker.

Uh, this will be quick.

You were right about
the League of Super Ladies.

Totally not on the same level
as Toxic Titans.

Babe, I mean, you can't be
expected to know as much as I do

about the genre.

I mean, I've been reading
since I was a little kid.

I was practically a nerd.

No.

We finally realized
that their writers were...

Hmm, what-what was it?

-Losers? Posers?
-Hmm.

Hacks?

Well, I mean,
that's a little harsh.

-But yeah.
-Yeah.

Wait, what's this?

Bill Lamp wrote 16 episodes

of League of Super Ladies
between '91 and '93?

That can't be right. Ryan,
tell them that's not right!

Kyle, just let me
read this, okay?

-Legitimate website.
-Mm-hmm.

Television episodes.
Oh, my God.

Bill Lamp wrote 16 episodes

of League of Super Ladies
from '91 to '93!

No, that's the same thing
Kristin just said!

He wrote it under the pseudonym
William Chandelier.

Ah! Man, that's a cool name.

-Yeah, that's so Bill.
-(chuckles)

But I don't understand--
I mean, why did he feel like

he needed to hide his identity?

Maybe because he knew some of
his diehard graphic novel fans

can be elitist snobs who don't
respect other people's feelings.

MANDY:
You know, we love our show

just as much as you guys
love Toxic Titans.

When we were little girls,

it made us feel like
we could be powerful, too.

We owe you an apology.

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

You know what?
And I have an idea about

what we can do for our podcast.

We should devote the whole hour
to League of Super Ladies.

And we happen to know
two experts.

Will you do it?

Well, it is a call-in show.

Might give a chance
for some of those fans

-to talk to a real girl.
-(laughs)

Let's do it.

It really is uncanny
how much you look like Mike.

I mean, if-if-if Mike
stopped coloring his hair.

Did you enjoy all that
attention you received

-from the employees as you
walked through the store?
-Yeah.

Actually, it was,
it was kind of fun.

I-I gave a woman down there
a big discount

on a tent and a shotgun.

-(laughs)
-Hey, hey, can you
do us a favor?

C-Can you read this
and let us film you?

-Sure.
-Yeah.

Now, why am I doing this again?

Because there are some words
that need to be said

from that face.

Chuck, what can I say?

You're right
and I'm wrong again.

(laughter)

-Come on, do mine,
do mine, do mine.
-Do his.

All right, all right, all right.

Jazz is America's
greatest art form.

-Yeah.
-(laughs)

MIKE:
Hey.

I invited him to see me,
not you two.

What can I say, Mike?

You're right
and I'm wrong again.

-(laughing)
-(Ed scatting)

Hey, come on in.

Your guy from Binford
did a great job.

He fixed the breaker box
and the disposal,

and not one vegetable
stuck in my ceiling.

He said that, uh,
you actually are a great guy.

I was worried
he went to the wrong house.

He also had time to show me

where I could find these
on the Internet.

Wow.

My old shows.

I've been watching
some of these.

Just want you to know,
I think...

Oh, boy, here we go.

I think these are great.

Well-produced, clever, funny.

I really like these.
They're great.

Why did you quit doing this?

Because they were great, and
as soon as I finished one show,

I got to thinking, "Can I
make the next one as great?"

And... ah, it-it's really
hard to understand.

Oh, I understand that.

I'm kind of
running out of ideas.

There's only so many tools
out there, you know?

But there's an unlimited number
of things you can build.

I loved it.

Do you miss it?

I do.

Well, I think we have
two reasons why you might want

to think of rebooting
that Tool Time show.

Maybe this time, add more power.

(grunting):
Oh-oh, oh-oh.

When you do it, it's annoying.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

celebrating-- woo-hoo-- the
tenth anniversary of this vlog.

Do you know what Aristotle,
Alexander the Great

and the great Ronald Reagan
had in common?

They all loved jelly beans?
I don't know.

Just a guess,
but who doesn't love them?

The one thing these
remarkable men had in common was

they never stopped pushing
themselves to be even better

than they were the day before.

Wow.

Of Aristotle's
31 surviving works,

the vast majority were written
in the final years of his life.

No word processing back then.

The dude probably died
of a hand cramp.

(imitates tool clinking)

Alexander the Great ruled over
an empire all the way up

to the day he died
at the ripe old age of 32.

Hey, he crammed a lot in, huh?

Which brings us to the Gipper.

While some people spend
their 70s getting discounts

at diners and falling asleep
in front of the TV,

you know what Ronald Reagan did?

The dude crushed communism.

It's not easy topping yourself
when you're awesome, huh?

But that's what all of us
should do every day.

I've done a hell of a lot
of these vlogs

in the last ten years.

And you know which one
I think is best?

My next one.

'Cause I'm just getting started.

And I've got more power
than ever.

(grunting):
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh?

Baxter out.

Captioning sponsored by
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and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
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