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1
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Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:06,693 --> 00:00:08,150
Neither of you were here
3
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:10,234
for the Pickle Wiggle
fiasco of 1993.
4
00:00:10,317 --> 00:00:12,609
Picture that thing,
but vibrating
5
00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:14,025
at the bottom of a cereal box.
6
00:00:14,109 --> 00:00:15,829
I wanna see a place
that makes Mom so happy,
7
00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:16,984
she'd choose that over us.
8
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:18,651
The show is a trap.
9
00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:19,984
You are a terrible father!
10
00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,651
Would you please say something,
11
00:00:21,734 --> 00:00:22,526
anything, please?
12
00:00:22,609 --> 00:00:23,693
Murderer!
13
00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:25,651
You killed the magic!
14
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:28,859
Murderer! Murderer!
15
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,984
Breakfast is so boring!
16
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,651
- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!
17
00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:38,609
Maestro Pimento Fermata!
18
00:00:38,693 --> 00:00:40,150
What are you doing here?
19
00:00:40,234 --> 00:00:43,150
Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?
20
00:00:45,526 --> 00:00:47,317
Wow! Awesome!
21
00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:49,609
Allora... now you
can be like the maestro
22
00:00:49,693 --> 00:00:51,192
and start your own choir
23
00:00:51,275 --> 00:00:53,818
by collecting
all four Pickle Wigglers.
24
00:00:58,150 --> 00:01:00,275
And even more good news!
25
00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:03,150
Best-O's is molto healthy
for your body.
26
00:01:03,234 --> 00:01:05,651
Mom, there's no added sugar!
27
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:07,234
- Oh?
- Mom, there's no
28
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,150
- artificial colors!
- Oh?
29
00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:12,025
Mom, there's no
artificial flavors!
30
00:01:12,109 --> 00:01:14,025
Oh? Best-O's Cereal.
31
00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:16,150
The cereal that makes you go...
32
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,442
oh!
33
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:27,025
'Scuse me.
34
00:01:27,109 --> 00:01:28,859
Clean up, aisle seven.
35
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:36,818
What the fuck do they
put in this shit?
36
00:01:38,192 --> 00:01:40,984
Mom, there's no toy in the box!
37
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,442
Ohh... oh!
38
00:01:43,526 --> 00:01:45,651
Ohh...
39
00:02:00,984 --> 00:02:04,109
Dad, don't hang up.
40
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,025
I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.
41
00:02:06,109 --> 00:02:08,150
I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.
42
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:09,609
I don't care. He's an adult.
43
00:02:09,693 --> 00:02:10,693
He'll come home.
44
00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:32,943
- Ohh... ah...
- Mom?
45
00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:35,150
Mom, I'm hungry.
46
00:02:35,234 --> 00:02:36,901
Oh, Jesus...
47
00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:38,275
Where'd it go?
48
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:41,359
Where did it go?
Where did it go?
49
00:02:43,484 --> 00:02:44,275
Ooh...
50
00:02:44,359 --> 00:02:46,192
Why are you walking like that?
51
00:02:46,275 --> 00:02:49,275
Because this is how
stressed-out people walk
52
00:02:49,359 --> 00:02:51,693
when their brothers go AWOL!
53
00:02:51,776 --> 00:02:52,859
Oh.
54
00:02:52,943 --> 00:02:54,609
What do I tell the Smithsonian
55
00:02:54,693 --> 00:02:55,734
if he doesn't show up?
56
00:02:55,818 --> 00:02:56,943
He'll be there.
57
00:02:57,025 --> 00:02:58,275
He's not going to miss
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00:02:58,359 --> 00:03:00,359
his own lifetime
achievement award.
59
00:03:00,442 --> 00:03:01,651
This is stale.
60
00:03:01,734 --> 00:03:04,651
I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.
61
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,484
I can't lose 25.
62
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:08,984
Jeff lost his entire
pickle family.
63
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,818
He's due some time on his own.
64
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,192
Maybe he finally...
65
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,109
Maddy.
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00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:15,359
That is insanely inappropriate.
67
00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:18,025
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
68
00:03:18,109 --> 00:03:20,401
You don't think
this is my fault, do you?
69
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,651
Right, because
everything's my fault,
70
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:26,651
always my fault... just say it.
71
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:29,484
You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?
72
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,234
Just say it!
73
00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:33,984
Say it!
74
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,526
Do you wish
you only had one child?
75
00:03:36,609 --> 00:03:38,943
Tell me, honestly, right now.
76
00:03:39,025 --> 00:03:42,442
I wanna hear it.
It's open season.
77
00:03:45,943 --> 00:03:49,192
You are... unbelievable.
78
00:03:49,275 --> 00:03:51,275
Maddy, get in the car.
79
00:03:51,359 --> 00:03:53,526
I wanna stay with Grandpa.
80
00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:54,943
Fine!
81
00:03:56,526 --> 00:03:58,567
Forget it.
82
00:04:00,943 --> 00:04:03,693
Were you trying to talk just now
83
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,234
but your brain wouldn't let you?
84
00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:09,025
We need to go see
a doctor right now.
85
00:04:18,442 --> 00:04:19,693
Hey!
86
00:04:19,776 --> 00:04:22,317
Where's Jeff?
87
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:25,984
What happens
if he doesn't show up?
88
00:04:26,067 --> 00:04:29,317
Have you thought about that?
89
00:04:42,359 --> 00:04:45,359
Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?
90
00:04:45,442 --> 00:04:48,734
He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in
91
00:04:48,818 --> 00:04:50,401
and burn it to shit
92
00:04:50,484 --> 00:04:54,109
with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.
93
00:04:54,192 --> 00:04:55,609
At least he's got what it takes
94
00:04:55,693 --> 00:04:57,859
to stand up to Khrushchev
and the Reds.
95
00:04:57,943 --> 00:04:59,192
Are you telling jokes?
96
00:04:59,275 --> 00:05:02,150
Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh
97
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:05,317
and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!
98
00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:07,317
It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.
99
00:05:07,401 --> 00:05:09,818
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
100
00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:11,818
Larry, settle an argument.
101
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:14,109
Gladys.
102
00:05:14,192 --> 00:05:16,776
What'd I tell you
about opening the fridge?
103
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,943
Stay in front of the bar.
104
00:05:20,401 --> 00:05:24,192
Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.
105
00:05:24,275 --> 00:05:26,651
Better than that war hawk
Dick Nixon.
106
00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:28,025
Larry served.
107
00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:30,109
I was a sniper in Korea.
108
00:05:30,192 --> 00:05:32,234
Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.
109
00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:34,943
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,
110
00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:37,776
but he's a family man too.
111
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,150
You got kids, Larry?
112
00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:41,442
Phil, Will, Bill, Gil,
Til, and Dill...
113
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:42,401
All boys.
114
00:05:42,484 --> 00:05:44,359
Larry with the strong semen!
115
00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,401
Oh, yeah, and they're all
116
00:05:46,484 --> 00:05:48,651
- gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
- Aw, come on!
117
00:05:48,734 --> 00:05:50,984
Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.
118
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,734
Sorry, Babs.
119
00:05:52,818 --> 00:05:54,317
Next one's on the house.
120
00:05:54,401 --> 00:05:55,901
You're a prince, Larry.
121
00:05:55,984 --> 00:05:57,359
Ha. Tell ya what.
122
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:58,835
Next one's on the house
for everybody.
123
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,275
- Oh!
- Oh!
124
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:03,776
- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!
125
00:06:03,859 --> 00:06:06,359
Larry, Larry!
126
00:06:06,442 --> 00:06:08,818
- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.
127
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,067
Larry, Larry...
128
00:06:12,401 --> 00:06:14,067
They're dry as a bone out there.
129
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:15,984
Good. Ha.
130
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,484
Let's keep it that way.
131
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,025
You good, man?
132
00:06:37,109 --> 00:06:38,734
Uh...
133
00:06:38,818 --> 00:06:40,609
I should get going.
134
00:06:42,609 --> 00:06:44,401
Do you wanna be buried,
cremated,
135
00:06:44,484 --> 00:06:47,109
- or drowned?
- What?
136
00:06:49,984 --> 00:06:51,442
Did you see that woman?
137
00:06:51,526 --> 00:06:54,567
- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.
138
00:06:54,651 --> 00:06:58,901
She looked exactly
like my ex-wife... exactly.
139
00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:00,567
I thought you hated her.
140
00:07:00,651 --> 00:07:01,901
I do.
141
00:07:01,984 --> 00:07:04,109
I also love her.
142
00:07:04,192 --> 00:07:05,776
I get it. I really get it.
143
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,275
Wait here.
144
00:07:07,359 --> 00:07:09,192
Sebastian.
145
00:07:09,275 --> 00:07:10,401
Sorry to keep you waiting.
146
00:07:10,484 --> 00:07:14,067
I had a momentary
inability to speak.
147
00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:16,776
But everything feels
tip-top now.
148
00:07:16,859 --> 00:07:18,192
I'm afraid your blood work
149
00:07:18,275 --> 00:07:20,567
tells a complicated story
of love and loss.
150
00:07:20,651 --> 00:07:22,275
- It does?
- It does what?
151
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,192
I'm sorry. What did you say?
152
00:07:24,275 --> 00:07:26,150
I said you've had
a minor stroke.
153
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:28,734
Oh, well,
well, that's what I thought.
154
00:07:28,818 --> 00:07:32,150
And you're at risk
for a major one.
155
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,609
- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.
156
00:07:34,693 --> 00:07:36,651
Maddy, do you wanna leave?
157
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:38,901
- No.
- All right.
158
00:07:38,984 --> 00:07:41,567
Your red blood cell
count... it's high.
159
00:07:41,651 --> 00:07:43,734
It's like California
and earthquakes.
160
00:07:43,818 --> 00:07:46,192
The Big One could come tomorrow.
161
00:07:46,275 --> 00:07:48,192
Could be a week, a month.
162
00:07:48,275 --> 00:07:50,651
- A year?
- I didn't say a year.
163
00:07:54,984 --> 00:07:56,859
Your heart sounds scared.
164
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:02,651
Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?
165
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,651
Pinky promise.
166
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,234
Pinky promise.
167
00:08:06,317 --> 00:08:09,109
Is there a cure for dementia,
168
00:08:09,192 --> 00:08:11,275
Alzheimer's? No.
169
00:08:11,359 --> 00:08:14,442
But can we treat it? Yes.
170
00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:16,609
With quality memory care.
171
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:20,859
Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,
172
00:08:20,943 --> 00:08:22,442
every day.
173
00:08:22,526 --> 00:08:24,484
Mickey Mantle
bats for the Yankees
174
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:27,776
and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.
175
00:08:29,984 --> 00:08:32,859
Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind
176
00:08:32,984 --> 00:08:35,317
from... from outbursts...
177
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:37,442
Could you excuse me
for one second?
178
00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,734
- Sure.
- Thank you.
179
00:08:57,401 --> 00:08:59,734
What's up, man?
180
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,150
Can I stay a little longer?
181
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:06,317
You're Jeff Pickles.
182
00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:08,317
You can stay
as long as you want.
183
00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:10,234
That's not true, Cornell.
184
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,192
No, no, I really don't mind.
185
00:09:12,275 --> 00:09:13,609
You should know by now
186
00:09:13,693 --> 00:09:15,693
that visiting hours
don't apply to you.
187
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:18,651
No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...
188
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:21,776
he isn't born
for another eight years.
189
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,526
Have I shown you the bus stop?
190
00:09:33,734 --> 00:09:36,317
It's new since your last visit.
191
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,442
Solved a big problem for us...
192
00:09:38,526 --> 00:09:41,484
What to do when a patient
wants to leave.
193
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:44,609
So now when they get
that itch to go,
194
00:09:44,693 --> 00:09:47,442
an aide comes and brings them
to the bus stop,
195
00:09:47,526 --> 00:09:50,901
and they wait until they forget
196
00:09:50,984 --> 00:09:53,776
why they wanted to leave
in the first place.
197
00:09:54,776 --> 00:09:57,984
And they just go
right back inside.
198
00:10:00,609 --> 00:10:02,609
But don't you feel like
you're lying
199
00:10:02,693 --> 00:10:05,067
to the elderly and demented?
200
00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:07,776
A lie is for you.
201
00:10:07,859 --> 00:10:09,776
This is for them.
202
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,484
We call it compassionate
deception.
203
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,567
But the bus will never come
204
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:16,734
and she'll never get to leave.
205
00:10:16,818 --> 00:10:19,609
And Larry'll never get to
vote for Nixon.
206
00:10:19,693 --> 00:10:21,567
But he can make a mean mocktail.
207
00:10:21,651 --> 00:10:23,901
Most of the people
who want to leave
208
00:10:23,984 --> 00:10:26,818
are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.
209
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:30,192
Do we tell them
the spouse they wanna get to
210
00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:31,693
died 30 years ago
211
00:10:31,776 --> 00:10:34,442
or that their childhood home
is now a Walmart?
212
00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:36,567
- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
213
00:10:36,651 --> 00:10:39,693
The fantasy is the pill.
214
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,442
So...
215
00:10:43,526 --> 00:10:44,776
it's not a lie if it heals.
216
00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:47,943
Exactly.
217
00:10:48,025 --> 00:10:49,359
Dad?
218
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:53,067
Could you help me get ready?
219
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:55,109
Sure, son.
220
00:11:10,526 --> 00:11:13,317
Since first meeting him
221
00:11:13,401 --> 00:11:15,734
as an OSU sophomore,
222
00:11:15,818 --> 00:11:19,150
I knew Jeff Pickles would go on
223
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:22,943
to touch countless lives
224
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:24,234
around the world.
225
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:28,442
In that spirit, let us take
a moment of silence
226
00:11:28,526 --> 00:11:31,567
to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles
227
00:11:31,651 --> 00:11:35,818
who was brutally murdered
by his own government.
228
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,651
We've been having some trouble
229
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:52,651
selling that sad,
empty house next door,
230
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:57,359
but I think if we combine
the two lots,
231
00:11:57,442 --> 00:12:00,776
yours and his, some happy person
232
00:12:00,859 --> 00:12:04,275
could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.
233
00:12:04,359 --> 00:12:06,401
Wait, what... I would sell too?
234
00:12:06,484 --> 00:12:09,192
It's time. Don't you agree?
235
00:12:09,275 --> 00:12:10,609
Change!
236
00:12:10,693 --> 00:12:12,442
What's a Monterey Colonial?
237
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,651
Ugh.
238
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,109
Hold on.
239
00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:19,734
Hello?
240
00:12:19,818 --> 00:12:21,526
Can you come to
where I am right now?
241
00:12:21,609 --> 00:12:22,669
I'm not going
to that awards thing.
242
00:12:22,693 --> 00:12:24,025
Neither is Will. Stop asking.
243
00:12:26,192 --> 00:12:27,734
Deirdre?
244
00:12:27,818 --> 00:12:28,693
What?
245
00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:30,484
- You called me.
- Yes.
246
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,192
Did you hear what I said?
247
00:12:32,275 --> 00:12:33,943
I need immediate
medical attention.
248
00:12:34,025 --> 00:12:36,275
- Go to a hospital.
- It's a personal situation.
249
00:12:36,359 --> 00:12:37,609
Can you come here?
250
00:12:37,693 --> 00:12:40,275
Your family's not,
you know, I'm not...
251
00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,067
We're not related anymore.
252
00:12:42,150 --> 00:12:43,442
I'm your son's aunt!
253
00:12:43,526 --> 00:12:45,401
- Which makes us...
- Sisters!
254
00:12:45,484 --> 00:12:48,776
What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.
255
00:12:48,859 --> 00:12:50,126
I really don't want
the federal government
256
00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,818
listening in on this one.
257
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,317
Well, I'm just in the middle...
258
00:12:53,401 --> 00:12:54,943
Can you please come down here?
259
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,901
After church, can we go fishing?
260
00:12:57,984 --> 00:13:00,734
A day on the lake? I love lakes.
261
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,734
That's a great idea.
262
00:13:02,818 --> 00:13:06,526
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.
263
00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:08,234
- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.
264
00:13:08,317 --> 00:13:10,776
Well, it's better to
believe someone who's lying
265
00:13:10,859 --> 00:13:13,275
than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.
266
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,442
Thanks, Dad.
267
00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:16,984
You know, you're a good dad.
268
00:13:19,359 --> 00:13:21,025
So then you take
269
00:13:21,109 --> 00:13:23,234
that big long one,
270
00:13:23,317 --> 00:13:25,484
and then you're done.
271
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:26,967
You think you can
do that next time?
272
00:13:27,025 --> 00:13:30,150
I might have to ask you
to show me again.
273
00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:32,651
Well, I'll be here.
274
00:13:34,776 --> 00:13:36,943
Who the fuck are you?
275
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,943
And two, and three...
276
00:13:42,025 --> 00:13:45,484
It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
277
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,609
Your vows
brought me to my knees.
278
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,776
The scent of fresh lilies.
279
00:13:49,859 --> 00:13:52,609
The sunlight
splashed across your face.
280
00:13:52,693 --> 00:13:54,776
It was perfect, wasn't it?
281
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:56,442
I was so worried
about the salmon,
282
00:13:56,526 --> 00:13:58,150
but it was everybody's favorite.
283
00:13:58,234 --> 00:14:00,067
Even Aunt Beth
went back for seconds.
284
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:03,150
And you know how she can be.
285
00:14:03,234 --> 00:14:06,359
Who's Beth?
286
00:14:06,442 --> 00:14:08,067
Do you love me?
287
00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:11,025
I love you to the moon, Leonard.
288
00:14:11,109 --> 00:14:13,401
I love you to the moon...
289
00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,275
wife.
290
00:14:15,359 --> 00:14:17,150
Spin!
291
00:14:18,818 --> 00:14:21,442
You're so lucky
to do this every day.
292
00:14:23,526 --> 00:14:24,859
Oh...
293
00:14:24,943 --> 00:14:28,442
now dip me like one of
your French women.
294
00:14:41,150 --> 00:14:42,651
Hi, Mom.
295
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:46,067
You're confused. I'm Louise.
296
00:14:47,275 --> 00:14:49,234
Hi, Louise.
297
00:14:49,317 --> 00:14:51,275
I'm your son.
298
00:14:53,317 --> 00:14:54,526
No.
299
00:14:54,609 --> 00:14:56,109
No.
300
00:14:56,192 --> 00:14:58,943
I don't think so.
301
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,859
So where ya headed, Louise?
302
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,275
A place that makes me happy.
303
00:15:05,359 --> 00:15:07,109
Niagara Falls?
304
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:10,567
How did you know?
305
00:15:10,651 --> 00:15:12,192
Just a guess.
306
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:14,275
My sister lives there.
307
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,526
I wish I could go with you.
308
00:15:22,609 --> 00:15:25,192
No, I'm going alone.
309
00:15:26,401 --> 00:15:28,150
Cock fucker!
310
00:15:28,234 --> 00:15:29,067
Son of a fuck!
311
00:15:29,150 --> 00:15:32,776
I can't wait to get out of
312
00:15:32,859 --> 00:15:34,859
- this fucking family!
- Please hurry.
313
00:15:34,943 --> 00:15:36,168
Every time it sings,
it goes up further.
314
00:15:36,192 --> 00:15:38,109
Oh... ooh...
315
00:15:38,192 --> 00:15:39,919
You wouldn't have
had this problem with the alto.
316
00:15:39,943 --> 00:15:41,776
How was Hershey Park?
317
00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:43,984
Scott and I went there once,
but...
318
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,859
he thought the room was haunted.
319
00:15:45,943 --> 00:15:48,067
Hershey Park
is an adolescent nightmare.
320
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:49,734
It's not even
ironically enjoyable.
321
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,567
Just because
you appreciate chocolate
322
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,234
doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.
323
00:15:54,317 --> 00:15:55,960
But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,
324
00:15:55,984 --> 00:15:58,025
and... whatever, doesn't matter.
325
00:15:58,109 --> 00:16:00,359
I don't matter. Nothing matters
326
00:16:00,442 --> 00:16:01,693
except for the plumbing
327
00:16:01,776 --> 00:16:03,943
of my ex-husband's
sister's vagina.
328
00:16:04,025 --> 00:16:05,627
- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing
329
00:16:05,651 --> 00:16:09,025
- take the subway?
- You're not wearing your ring.
330
00:16:09,109 --> 00:16:11,067
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said.
331
00:16:11,150 --> 00:16:13,275
- Peter was proposing.
- Oh, really?
332
00:16:13,359 --> 00:16:15,609
He said this on the plane ride
back from being kidnapped
333
00:16:15,693 --> 00:16:17,109
- to the Philippines?
- No.
334
00:16:17,192 --> 00:16:18,943
On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.
335
00:16:19,025 --> 00:16:21,359
I told Peter
I needed time to think.
336
00:16:21,442 --> 00:16:23,734
- You told him no?
- I said I need time
337
00:16:23,818 --> 00:16:25,275
because I need time.
338
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,234
Because you still love Jeff.
339
00:16:27,317 --> 00:16:29,210
I definitely have zero
feelings for that man... zero!
340
00:16:29,234 --> 00:16:31,275
Are you two okay in there?
341
00:16:31,359 --> 00:16:32,377
- Yeah, we're good.
- We're just fine.
342
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:33,776
Thank you.
343
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:36,192
Here, do this for me.
344
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:42,359
Hey, that's the woman, her.
345
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:44,359
That's Grandma.
346
00:16:45,859 --> 00:16:47,109
Are you sure that's Grandma?
347
00:16:47,192 --> 00:16:50,150
Ah, you never forget
your first wife.
348
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,776
That's not really Grandma.
349
00:16:52,859 --> 00:16:55,067
No, but she's a dead ringer.
350
00:16:56,609 --> 00:16:58,150
Go over and say something.
351
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,192
- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.
352
00:17:00,275 --> 00:17:04,651
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
353
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:15,150
Excuse me.
354
00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:17,693
Yes?
355
00:17:17,776 --> 00:17:20,317
I'm sorry, but...
you look exactly like
356
00:17:20,401 --> 00:17:22,442
my ex-wife.
357
00:17:22,526 --> 00:17:23,859
That's a terrible line.
358
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,693
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
359
00:17:26,776 --> 00:17:28,651
Most everybody calls me Seb.
360
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:32,150
And I wonder, um...
361
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,234
would you have a meal with me?
362
00:17:34,317 --> 00:17:37,359
I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.
363
00:17:37,442 --> 00:17:39,526
You should eat after
you do these things
364
00:17:39,609 --> 00:17:40,693
or you'll pass out.
365
00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:42,734
I have plans.
366
00:17:42,818 --> 00:17:45,109
I understand.
367
00:17:46,609 --> 00:17:48,109
Sebastiano.
368
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,025
Yes.
369
00:17:50,109 --> 00:17:52,901
Give me a reason
to cancel my plans.
370
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:55,526
I'll give you one tonight.
371
00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:57,901
And another tomorrow morning.
372
00:18:09,943 --> 00:18:12,401
Your tux reminds me
of a dream I had last night.
373
00:18:12,484 --> 00:18:13,818
Oh, God. Ha.
374
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:15,192
There's nothing more annoying
375
00:18:15,275 --> 00:18:17,401
than hearing about
someone's dreams.
376
00:18:17,484 --> 00:18:18,234
That's not true.
377
00:18:18,317 --> 00:18:20,693
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
378
00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:22,150
Well, somebody did.
379
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:23,901
Oh!
380
00:18:23,984 --> 00:18:25,567
You can't make that joke.
381
00:18:25,651 --> 00:18:27,109
Fuck you!
382
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,609
Are you sure we've never met?
383
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,234
Excuse me for a moment.
384
00:18:35,317 --> 00:18:37,335
Wait a minute... there's
something I wanna tell you.
385
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,859
You should know that I had
a small stroke today,
386
00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:46,359
but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.
387
00:18:46,442 --> 00:18:48,317
Glad to hear it.
388
00:19:29,859 --> 00:19:30,734
What?
389
00:19:30,818 --> 00:19:32,984
Have you ever felt that
390
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:37,526
life is sometimes suddenly...
391
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,484
so magical?
392
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:41,150
Yes.
393
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:44,943
But when you say it,
it sounds stupid.
394
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,317
Mmm.
395
00:20:00,317 --> 00:20:02,859
What's beating you up,
little boy?
396
00:20:02,943 --> 00:20:06,359
Guess I just don't wanna be me.
397
00:20:08,109 --> 00:20:10,234
What's the me you wanna be?
398
00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:12,818
Someone whose wife
isn't remarrying
399
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,651
an anesthesiologist.
400
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,859
Someone whose...
401
00:20:17,943 --> 00:20:21,317
son... is still talking to him.
402
00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:28,275
Someone who can cope...
Ha... with his feelings.
403
00:20:30,109 --> 00:20:34,192
You can feel anything at all.
404
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:38,275
Anything at all,
you can feel it.
405
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,275
Thanks.
406
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,609
That's good advice.
407
00:20:43,693 --> 00:20:45,317
It's not advice.
408
00:20:45,401 --> 00:20:47,609
I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.
409
00:20:47,693 --> 00:20:49,401
Oh.
410
00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:54,609
There's a way out,
if you wanna hear it.
411
00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:58,234
See, I've got a bastard
of a husband
412
00:20:58,317 --> 00:21:01,192
and two kids I can't stand.
413
00:21:01,275 --> 00:21:04,192
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
414
00:21:04,275 --> 00:21:06,984
Adorable, funny...
415
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:08,401
paperweights.
416
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:11,484
But the good news is
you can always escape.
417
00:21:13,025 --> 00:21:14,067
You can?
418
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:15,526
- Sure.
- Oh.
419
00:21:15,609 --> 00:21:16,609
It's easy.
420
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,359
Failure doesn't have to
follow you.
421
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:22,234
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls
422
00:21:22,317 --> 00:21:24,734
to where my sister lives.
423
00:21:24,818 --> 00:21:27,192
You want out?
424
00:21:27,275 --> 00:21:31,234
You just have to get on the bus.
425
00:21:31,317 --> 00:21:35,192
And the bus... always shows up.
426
00:21:50,192 --> 00:21:53,526
I'm sorry. I have... to go home.
427
00:22:03,693 --> 00:22:07,693
As a monotheist,
I always believed
428
00:22:07,776 --> 00:22:09,901
there was one creator.
429
00:22:09,984 --> 00:22:12,192
Until I met our next speaker.
430
00:22:12,275 --> 00:22:15,275
Please welcome the alchemist
431
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,734
who creates all those
wonderful creatures
432
00:22:17,818 --> 00:22:21,693
on Puppet Time,
Deirdre Piccirillo.
433
00:22:24,693 --> 00:22:26,109
Deirdre?
434
00:22:26,192 --> 00:22:27,776
Is she here?
435
00:22:27,859 --> 00:22:29,025
Go to the E.R.
436
00:22:29,109 --> 00:22:30,484
You know whose fault this is?
437
00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:31,567
Duterte.
438
00:22:31,609 --> 00:22:34,234
He turned the Philippines
into a police state.
439
00:22:34,317 --> 00:22:36,776
He has oppressed his people
for too long.
440
00:22:36,859 --> 00:22:39,943
You can't just heave a man
off a building
441
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:41,943
for singing about divorce!
442
00:22:42,025 --> 00:22:44,275
The problem is men.
443
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:46,401
That's the common thread here.
444
00:22:46,484 --> 00:22:50,818
Scott... a man... steals
my furniture, my puppets,
445
00:22:50,901 --> 00:22:52,234
ends my marriage?
446
00:22:52,317 --> 00:22:54,359
- Sure.
- Thank you!
447
00:22:54,442 --> 00:22:57,943
And Dad... it's like,
why are you trusting me?
448
00:22:58,025 --> 00:22:59,484
Me? You can't trust me!
449
00:22:59,567 --> 00:23:01,442
For the past 30 years,
450
00:23:01,526 --> 00:23:03,567
all I'm doing is making puppets.
451
00:23:03,651 --> 00:23:06,317
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
452
00:23:06,401 --> 00:23:08,734
That's on you, Pop.
453
00:23:08,818 --> 00:23:10,067
Anyone else on your list?
454
00:23:10,150 --> 00:23:12,567
Yeah! Who doesn't show up
455
00:23:12,651 --> 00:23:14,984
for their own
lifetime achievement award?
456
00:23:15,067 --> 00:23:16,693
Selfish people.
457
00:23:16,776 --> 00:23:17,859
When I get an award
458
00:23:17,943 --> 00:23:19,984
for giving away
all the money I embezzled,
459
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:21,192
I show the fuck up.
460
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:22,776
Uh-uh, no.
461
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:24,109
What?
462
00:23:24,192 --> 00:23:26,317
You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.
463
00:23:26,401 --> 00:23:28,693
All that is happening to you
is your fault
464
00:23:28,776 --> 00:23:30,025
and no one else's.
465
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:31,442
In no uncertain terms,
466
00:23:31,526 --> 00:23:34,859
you are the architect
of your own catastrophe
467
00:23:34,943 --> 00:23:38,484
except maybe the Duterte thing,
but he's a dictator.
468
00:23:38,567 --> 00:23:41,025
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
469
00:23:41,109 --> 00:23:44,025
You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.
470
00:23:44,109 --> 00:23:45,567
You chose to manufacture a doll
471
00:23:45,651 --> 00:23:47,526
that listens to children
sleeping,
472
00:23:47,609 --> 00:23:51,984
and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle
473
00:23:52,067 --> 00:23:54,025
into your vagina!
474
00:23:54,109 --> 00:23:55,359
I'm sorry.
475
00:23:55,442 --> 00:23:57,567
You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,
476
00:23:57,651 --> 00:24:00,150
you made it sing... you!
Your fault, you!
477
00:24:00,234 --> 00:24:02,609
You are Duterte!
478
00:24:03,818 --> 00:24:07,651
I've been fucking myself
this whole time!
479
00:24:43,401 --> 00:24:46,984
I can't keep chasing her, can I?
480
00:24:47,067 --> 00:24:49,818
No, man. Can't.
481
00:24:51,567 --> 00:24:55,984
Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.
482
00:24:56,067 --> 00:24:58,359
Sooner is better.
483
00:25:15,859 --> 00:25:17,776
Good evening.
484
00:25:17,859 --> 00:25:19,317
I'm Jeff Pickles.
485
00:25:24,317 --> 00:25:27,025
You know, my whole life...
486
00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:30,734
I felt I had to choose
between my job and my family.
487
00:25:32,234 --> 00:25:35,484
And it took me till today
488
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:38,734
to realize how easy
that choice is.
489
00:25:41,317 --> 00:25:45,234
Because one of them is real
490
00:25:45,317 --> 00:25:47,484
and one is a fantasy.
33130
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