Original subtitles

[ Radio Announcer ] GOOD MORNING. THIS IS ORVILLE RICKETT...

BRINGING YOU THE EARLY-BIRD EDITION OF KBES NEWS,

SERVING ALL OF CENTRAL IOWA.

LOOKS AS IF YOU WHO DID SOME EARLY PLANTIN' DURING OUR RECENT WARM SPELL...

GOT A NASTY LITTLE SURPRISE THIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU ?

YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE A WHITE EASTER,

WITH TEMPERATURES CLIMBING INTO THE LOW TEENS...

AND A WIND CHILL FACTOR OF MINUS 24 DEGREES.

A FEW WEATHER-RELATED ANNOUNCEMENTS.

THE ANNUAL GREATER DES MOINES PRESBYTERIAN EASTER EGG HUNT AND BAKE SALE,

PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE TOMORROW AT THE COUNTRY CLUB,

WILL NOW BE HELD IN THE ROOSEVELT HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM.

BUSSES WILL BE RUNNING AN HOUR TO AND HOUR AND A HALF LATE...

WHERE SNOWPLOWS ALLOW.

STAY TUNED FOR LAUD JEANNIE'S ASCOT HOUR...

RIGHT HERE ON STATION KBES, SERVING ALL OF CENTRAL IOWA.

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS ORVILLE RICKETT REMINDING YOU...

TO DRAG THOSE STORM WINDOWS BACK OUT OF THE BASEMENT.

AND HAPPY EASTER.

HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

[ Wendell Narrating ] MY NAME IS WENDELL TVEDT.

I'M A FRESHMAN AT IOWA STATE.

I'M WAITING FOR A COUPLE OF GREAT GUYS FROM MY FRATERNITY.

WELL, NOT MY FRATERNITY YET. I'M STILL A PLEDGE.

BUT ANYWAY, WE'RE ALL GOING TO PALM SPRINGS FOR THE WEEKEND.

IN'S OVER THAT WAY.

I'M WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A LATE BLOOMER.

THAT REALLY DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

I'VE EVEN HEARD SOME PEOPLE CALL ME A NERD.

I DON'T THINK OF MYSELF THAT WAY.

I'D LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS, WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE...

WHA-WHA-WHOA !

AWKWARD.

[ Female Announcer Over P.A. ]

THANK YOU. PALM SPRINGS, HERE WE COME !

IN LESS THAN THREE HOURS, IT'S GONNA BE YOU, ME,

HOT TUBS, PALM TREES, AND THE LEGENDARY WOMEN OF CALIFORNIA.

AND WENDELL. [ Chuckling ] ALL RIGHT, AND WENDELL.

BUT DON'T SELL THE GUY SHORT. HE'S GOT A LOT GOIN' FOR HIM... FOR A PLEDGE.

MEMBERSHIP IN THE ASTRONOMY CLUB,

NAME TAGS ON HIS BOXER SHORTS, HIS VERY OWN LIBRARY CARD.

AND HE'S GOT A COUSIN WITH A FURNISHED CONDO IN PALM SPRINGS...

AND PARENTS WHO PAID FOR OUR TRIP.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HE'S GOT A LOT GOIN' FOR HIM.

JOE ! MOTHER ! HERE I AM !

MMM-HMM.

HI, GUYS. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ?

WENDELL, BUDDY, YOUR FLY'S OPEN. OH, IT'S BROKEN.

THIS ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT WE MEANT BY HANGING OUT IN PALM SPRINGS.

WHERE ARE YOUR FOLKS ? YOO-HOO !

[ Alarm Buzzes ] UH-OH, HONEY.

PUT 'EM DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT.

POOR KID DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

LAUGH AND I'LL BREAK YOUR LEG. JUST DON'T LOOK AT ME.

OH.

HI. HOW YOU DOIN' ?

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIENDS. OH.

FATHER, MOTHER, THIS IS MOTHER AND JOE.

JOE GILLESPIE. LARRY TUCKER.

IT'S A PLEASURE, MR. TVEDT, MRS. TVEDT.

THEY CALL YOU MOTHER, RIGHT ? MOTHER TUCKER.

THAT JUST KILLS ME.

ISN'T THAT CUTE ?

IS IT 'CAUSE YOU KIND OF TAKE CARE OF EVERYBODY ? HUH ?

ALL RIGHT.

BOYS, COULD YA-- COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THIS STUFF ?

JUST FOR A MINUTE ? SURE.

I DIDN'T WANT MRS. TVEDT TO OVERHEAR, BUT I GOT A FAVOR I WANT TO ASK YOU.

SURE. WHAT IS IT ? I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED THIS OR NOT,

BUT, UH, MY BOY WENDELL IS A LITTLE--

WELL, HE'S KIND OF--

I GUESS AWKWARD IS THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR. WENDELL ?

AWKWARD ? THIS IS WHAT I'M HOPING.

AREN'T THEY THE BEST ? THEY'RE WONDERFUL, DARLING.

MILLARD SEEMS TO LIKE THEM TOO. I'M SURE THEY'RE FINE YOUNG MEN.

THEY ARE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. I'M SURE I DON'T.

I KINDA WANTED YOU AND JOE TO SHOW MY BOY AROUND A LITTLE.

KINDA TEACH HIM A FEW OF THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE,

IF YOU UNDERSTAND MY MEANING, WITH THE OPPOSITE S-E-X.

OH. I'D BE MORE THAN WILLING TO MAKE THIS WORTH YOUR WHILE.

WENDELL'S TOLD ME YOU WANTED A SAUNA...

AND A JACUZZI DOWN AT THE FRATERNITY HOUSE.

SURE. NO PROBLEM.

[ P.A. ] FLIGHT 81 TO PALM SPRINGS NOW BOARDING. GEE, THAT'D BE GREAT.

MILLARD, HURRY WITH THE CAMERA.

THAT'S THEIR FLIGHT. ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

EVERYBODY GET IN A STRAIGHT LINE WHILE I SET THIS THING UP.

NOW, WENDELL, STAY OUT OF THE SUN. YOU'LL BURN.

OKAY, MOM. AND GET PLENTY OF SLEEP.

JUST DO WHATEVER MOTHER SAYS, SON.

THANK YOU, MILLARD. YOU'RE WELCOME, NAOMI. EVERYBODY SMILE !

WHOO-HOO !

INCREDIBLE, MAN. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

DON'T PEE IN YOUR PANTS, YOUNG WENDELL.

LOOK AT THOSE BODIES ! LOOK AT THOSE TANS !

LOOK AT THOSE PALM TREES.

[ Wendell ] WOW !

[ Radio Announcer ] THIS IS MADMAN MAC WITH 72 HOURS OF NONSTOP ROCK AND ROLL,

SENDING OUT A BIG PALM SPRINGS WELCOME TO ALL YOU GREATS FROM DIFFERENT STATES.

A WEATHER REPORT. IT'S RAINING IN FORT LAUDERDALE.

SO IF YOU'RE NOT IN PALM SPRINGS, YOU'RE NOWHERE, BABY.

SLOW DOWN. HI !

I'M WENDELL TVEDT, AND THESE ARE MY BEST FRIENDS, JOE AND MOTHER.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - GAG ME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TALK TO THEM ?

THEY WERE VERY PRETTY.

I DON'T KNOW, WENDELL. I GUESS WE'RE JUST MOODY.

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. QUICK.

[ Female Singers ] � HE USED TO BE A SHY BOY �

� UNTIL I MADE HIM MY BOY �

� I NEVER MISSED A HEARTBEAT �

� JUST SITTING IN THE BACKSEAT �

� YEAH �

� I'M GONNA GIVE HIM ALL MY LOVE �

� EACH AND EVERY NIGHT �

� ONE THING I'M ALWAYS DREAMING OF �

� I WANNA SQUEEZE AND HOLD HIM TIGHT �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD � MOTHER !

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD � SORRY.

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD �

� EVERY MINUTE WE'RE TOGETHER �

� SEEMS TO LAST FOREVER �

� HE KNOWS ABOUT A GOOD TIME �

� GONNA MAKE YOU ALL MINE �

� ALL MINE �

� HE GIVES ME LOVIN' LIKE NOBODY ELSE �

� I LOVE THE WAY HE TURNS ME ON �

� I LONG TO KEEP HIM ALL TO MYSELF �

� IF MY HEART COULD BE THAT STRONG �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD �

� AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ��

OH, GOD, J.C. LOOK !

JESUS, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ! JOE AND MOTHER HERE ?

AND THEY'VE GOT THAT IDIOT WENDELL WITH THEM.

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS ? NO, CHRISSIE, THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW THEIR NAMES. I DIDN'T KNOW !

WE GO TO SCHOOL WITH THEM.

WE'RE BETA EPSILON, THEY'RE THETA PI SIGMA.

OR AS WE LIKE TO CALL THEM, THETA PIGS.

[ Girl ] YOU DON'T LIKE THEM ? NO, WE HATE THEM AND THEY HATE US.

BETAS HATE THETAS. IT'S A TRADITION.

YOU KNOW, CHAS, THEY'VE INVADED OUR TERRITORY.

I THINK THE BOYS DESERVE A NICE WARM WELCOME.

IT'S THE VERY LEAST WE CAN DO.

[ Wendell ] WELL, GUYS, HERE WE ARE.

OVER THERE. A PARKING SPACE.

THIS IS IT. FOLLOW ME, GUYS.

THAT MUST BE THE ONE. ALL RIGHT !

SO FAR SO GOOD.

WENDELL, THERE'S NO FURNITURE.

MY COUSIN SAID THEY'RE REDECORATING THE LIVING ROOM. SORRY.

TO HELL WITH THE LIVING ROOM. WHAT ABOUT THE BEDROOMS ?

AH, NICE TOUCH ! YEAH !

INCREDIBLE !

WENDELL, BUDDY, THERE MIGHT BE HOPE FOR YOU YET.

JUST KNOWING YOU'RE RELATED TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A MIRROR OVER A BED LIKE THIS !

MY COUSIN'S ADOPTED.

OF COURSE HE IS. I JUST LOST MY HEAD FOR A MINUTE.

OH, NO !

BUNK BEDS ? OH, GREAT !

DIBS ON THE TOP BUNK.

NO, WENDELL, THIS IS NOT GREAT.

LET'S SAY I BRING A WOMAN UP HERE, AND SAY THE MASTER BEDROOM IS OCCUPIED.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE IN THE TOP BUNK,

HOVERING JUST INCHES AWAY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU ? OH, I GET IT.

MOTHER, DON'T WORRY. IT WON'T BOTHER ME A BIT.

I CAN SLEEP THROUGH ALMOST ANYTHING.

THANKS FOR BEING CONCERNED ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OKAY.

HERE'S HOW WE WORK THIS.

THE FIRST ONE HOME GETS THE MASTER BEDROOM.

RUNNER-UP BETTER PRAY TO GOD HE'S FOUND A GOOD SPORT.

AGREED ? AGREED. FINE WITH ME.

WENDELL ? BOY, JOE, I'M GONNA GET SOME SHOTS...

THE OLD ASTRONOMY CLUB WON'T BELIEVE.

CAN I SEE THAT FOR A MINUTE ? OH, SURE.

THANKS, BRO.

[ Joe ] OH, MOTHER !

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS. GET OUT HERE.

WHOO !

WHOO ! VERY NICE.

IT'S OKAY, SWEETHEART. SOMETIMES THE SMALL ONES ARE THE MOST FUN.

JOE, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING UP HERE ? COME ON.

OH, MY GOD !

MOTHER, GET OUT HERE !

IT'S MY HEART.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. THERE AREN'T WORDS.

THINK IF I MADE SOME KIND OF HUMBLE OFFERING,

LIKE TEN YEARS OFF MY LIFE, MY FIRSTBORN MALE CHILD--

JOE, THAT IS DEFINITE MAJOR LEAGUE MATERIAL. UH-UH.

HOWEVER, WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS, ALMOST ANY BALLPLAYER...

WILL TELL YOU HE HAD A LOT MORE ACTION IN THE MINORS.

- TO THE POOL ? - TO THE POOL. - HERE YOU G--

HELLO. SHE DIDN'T SAY HELLO.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, JOE.

MY SUIT JUST SHRUNK.

WHOOP. EXCUSE ME.

NICE RADIO. YEAH.

HUH ? OH.

BLONDES AT 9:00.

JOSEPH, MINOR LEAGUE BY COMPARISON...

BUT ALL SUITED UP AND READY TO PLAY.

HI, BOYS. MIND IF WE JOIN YOU ?

UH, BEING JOINED IS ONE OF THE THINGS WE LIVE FOR.

OH.

OW ! OOH ! OOH !

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. [ Screams ]

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

SORRY. SORRY.

OH, MAN. I'M SO SORRY.

HI. MY NAME'S WENDELL TVEDT.

I'M MARIANNE AND THIS IS CHRISSIE. HI.

HE'S JOE, I'M MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, CHRISSIE, IT'S SO HOT OUT HERE.

IT SURE IS. I WISH THERE WAS SOME COMFORTABLE PLACE NEARBY...

WHERE WE COULD ALL RELAX AND COOL OFF.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT JUST SO HAPPENS...

I KNOW OF A PLACE SO COMFORTABLE AND SO NEARBY--

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW COMFORTABLE AND NEARBY THIS PLACE IS.

IT'S VERY COMFORTABLE AND IT'S RIGHT UPSTAIRS.

I'LL MAKE US ALL SOME LEMONADE.

WENDELL, CAN I, UH-- CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE ?

UM, SURE, MOTHER.

WENDELL, JOE AND I WOULD KINDA LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH THESE GIRLS FOR A WHILE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ? SO COULD YOU WATCH THE STUFF AND TAKE A SWIM ?

SURE, MOTHER. NO PROBLEM. THANKS A LOT.

WATCH OUT. HERE HE COMES.

LADIES.

HEY, WHERE'S ALL THE FURNITURE ?

WE KINDA LIKE THAT CLEAN, UNCLUTTERED LOOK...

IN, UH, IN THE LIVING ROOM.

BUT WE DID FURNISH THE BEDROOM.

OH, GOOD. WHY DON'T WE GO IN THERE ?

COME HERE. EXCUSE ME. WHAT ?

WHAT DO WE DO NOW ? WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DO NOW ?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN. WE NEVER ESTABLISHED WHAT TO DO IN THE CASE OF A TIE.

- IS THERE A PROBLEM ? - NO, NO. THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

THE THING IS, WE HAVE ONE QUEEN-SIZE BED,

AND THEN TWO... BUNK BEDS. BUNK BEDS.

A QUEEN-SIZE BED ? OOH !

GEE, I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THAT FOUR PEOPLE...

ON A QUEEN-SIZE BED CAN BE VERY COZY.

- HAVEN'T YOU, CHRISSIE ? - MM-HMM.

YOU MEAN THE FOUR OF US ON ONE BED ?

MARIANNE AND I ARE BEST FRIENDS.

WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

AHA.

[ Giggling ] AFTER YOU, MY DEAR.

OH, YES. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

MARIANNE ?

COULD YOU JUST UNTIE THIS FOR ME, PLEASE ?

[ Marianne ] OH, BY ALL MEANS.

OH, HONEY, THAT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.

[ Marianne ] I KNEW IT WOULD.

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

HOW'S THAT, HONEY ?

[ Marianne ] THAT'S FINE.

READY FOR THIS ?

NOW, DON'T GO AWAY, BOYS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

"DON'T GO AWAY," SHE SAYS.

I WOULDN'T LEAVE THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW IF IT CAUGHT ON FIRE.

WE'RE IN THIS TOWN FOUR HOURS, WE'RE ALREADY GETTIN' LAID.

OH, PALM SPRINGS !

[ Clears Throat ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING IN THERE ? ARE YOU KIDDING ?

THESE GIRLS ARE EXPERIENCED. THEY COME PREPARED.

YOU EVER SEEN A GIRL PUT ONE IN ?

NO. NEITHER HAVE I.

I THINK IT TAKES A WHILE. THEY HAVE TO LIE DOWN TO DO IT.

OH, CHRISSIE, THIS REMINDS ME.

DID I TELL YOU WHAT MY GYNECOLOGIST SAID ? NO. WHAT ?

SOME DOCTOR IN FRANCE THINKS HE'S FOUND A CURE FOR HERPES !

[ Chrissie ] BOY, WOULD THAT BE A RELIEF. YEAH. REALLY.

HI.

WE'RE READY. SORRY WE TOOK SO LONG. DID YOU MISS US ?

WE MISSED YOU. WE MISSED YOU TOO.

BUT WHILE YOU WERE GONE, SOMETHING CAME UP.

WE DIDN'T REALIZE HOW LATE IT IS. THERE'S SOMEPLACE WE HAVE TO BE.

- CAN'T IT WAIT ? - NO, IT CAN'T WAIT.

IT'S HIS GRANDMOTHER. VERY ILL. IT'S MY GRANDMOTHER.

SHE'S DYING AND WE TOLD HER WE'D COME BY TO SAY GOOD-BYE. OH, GEE !

WHAT A SHAME ! WE'RE SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMOTHERS ARE. HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.

LISTEN, BOYS, MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER LATER.

AFTER SHE'S GONE. THAT'S HARD TO SAY.

IT COULD LINGER ON FOR DAYS. WEEKS.

MONTHS. YEARS. TOO BAD.

BYE. BYE.

[ Together ] WELCOME TO PALM SPRINGS, YOU ASSHOLES !

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE ?

WE'RE HAVIN' A COLD BEER.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. YOU MIND LEAVING ? YES, WE'D MIND.

THAT WAS A REAL LOWLIFE, SCUMBAG KIND OF TRICK.

WHY, THANK YOU.

OH, LOVE THE AMBIANCE, BOYS.

YOU MUST GIVE ME THE NAME OF YOUR DECORATOR.

AH, THESE ENSEMBLES-- VERY GREEK.

HAVEN'T YOU DICKS GOT ANYTHING BETTER TO DO ?

OF COURSE THEY DON'T. THEY CAN'T GET LAID.

SO WHY NOT COME BY HERE AND BUG THE SHIT OUT OF US ?

CAN'T GET LAID ? ME ?

JOE, THIS IS CHAS LAWLOR YOU'RE TALKING TO,

THE PRIDE OF THE BETA EPS.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT UP-- CAN'T GET IT UP ?

HE CAN'T EVEN FIND IT. HA-HA-HA.

I MEAN, YOU DO REALIZE, OF COURSE, I WILL HAVE NAILED HALF THE TOWN...

BY THE TIME YOU GET YOUR FLY UNZIPPED.

OH, I GET IT. YOU'RE GONNA HANDLE PALM SPRINGS THE SAME WAY YOU HANDLED IOWA STATE.

THE HELL WITH QUALITY. JUST SHOOT FOR QUANTITY.

WHAT ELSE CAN HE DO ? THE GUY'S CHARM ENDS...

THE MINUTE THE VALET PARKS THE MERCEDES.

HE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE CHOOSY. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUT SOME MONEY ON THAT ?

SURE. LIKE WHAT ? LIKE, UH--

LIKE, PICK A GIRL-- ANY GIRL. AND ?

A THOUSAND DOLLARS SAY I NAIL HER BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND.

MY, GOD ! HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE ON THE BALCONY ?

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT ONE'S MINE.

- [ Chas ] OH, YEAH ? SINCE WHEN ? - SINCE I SAW HER FIRST.

SO MUCH THE BETTER. A GRAND SAYS I GET HER BEFORE YOU DO. HEY, GREAT IDEA, CHAS.

THE BETA EPS VERSUS THE THETA PIGS, THE BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STUDS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HOTSHOT ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOEY ? COMPETITION TOO TOUGH ?

BULLSHIT. YOU'RE ON. NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, J.C. I THINK THE BOYS WANT TO BE ALONE.

WHAT ?

[ Snoring ]

WHOA !

OKAY, WENDELL, LISTEN. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

YOU LOOK GOOD, BY THE WAY. FEEL OKAY ? DOESN'T HE LOOK GOOD ?

WELL, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

LISTEN, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

IF IT DOESN'T WORK WITH THE FIRST GIRL, SHRUG IT OFF AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE.

RIGHT. OCCASIONALLY MOTHER AND I STRIKE OUT.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, JOE.

IT HAPPENS, SO DON'T GET DISCOURAGED. OKAY, I WON'T.

I NEVER STRIKE OUT. WELL, I STRUCK OUT ONCE.

WHO WAS THAT ? YOUR SISTER.

A-HA-HA. [ Mumbles ]

OKAY, SO I DIDN'T STRIKE OUT WITH YOUR SISTER.

[ Laughing ]

HOLD IT. ORDERS FROM THE CHIEF.

MOVE IT. JUST DOIN' MY JOB.

THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

� LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA �

� LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA �

� LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA �

� LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA �

OKAY ! YOU'VE GOT YOURS TRULY, MADMAN MAC,

COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM ZELDA'S.

QUICK QUESTION FOR THE GIRLS. HOW MANY OF YOU CAN WE COUNT ON THIS WEEKEND...

FOR THE LAST BLAST ? [ Cheering ]

ALL RIGHT ! YEAH !

AND HOW MANY OF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE ?

OH YEAH, LADIES ! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. WHERE'S THE BEEF ?

IT'S THIS SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE RAMADA RESORT,

FOR THE ANNUAL LAST BLAST.

BE THERE. LET'S GET COOKIN' AND HOPE THEY'RE GOOD-LOOKIN' ! WHOO !

��

� IF YOU FEEL THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING NEED A CUSHION TO SHOW �

� YOU FEEL THERE'S SOMETHING LACKING AND THEY NEED MY DOUGH �

WOW, THIS IS GREAT !

WHAT DO I DO NOW ? ALL RIGHT.

CHECK OUT THE GIRLS AND FIND ONE THAT APPEALS TO YOU.

ONLY IT'S PROBABLY WISE TO STAY AWAY FROM THE MOST ATTRACTIVE ONES AS FIRST ONES. SHOOT LOW.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE WANT YOU TO THROW YOURSELF AT SOME DOG. NO.

BE REALISTIC. BESIDES, THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR MEDIOCRE-LOOKING GIRLS.

THEY DON'T GET AS MUCH ACTION, SO THEY TRY HARDER.

YOU GOT IT ?

HI. I'M EYVETTE.

WHAT WOULD YOU BOYS LIKE ?

HOW 'BOUT A PITCHER AND THREE GLASSES ?

HOW ABOUT SOME I.D. ?

OKAY.

MM-HMM.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN OUR COUNTRY LONG, MR. YAKAMURA ?

OH, I WAS BORN IN DES MOINES. THAT'S NOT REALLY MINE.

I JUST BORROWED IT FROM A GUY IN MY BOTANY CLASS.

NO KIDDING. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I LIKE YOUR HONESTY,

SO WHY DON'T I BRING YOU A GLASS OF MILK AND AN EXTRA BEER MUG ?

OH, OKAY. I'D LOVE SOME MILK. AH.

WENDELL, YOU AMAZE ME.

THANKS, MOTHER.

ALL RIGHT, WENDELL, TIME TO FIND THE LUCKY GIRL. YEAH !

WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS. BEFORE WE DO THIS,

THERE'S SOMETHING I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW.

AND PROMISE YOU WON'T LAUGH, BUT--

I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A GIRL BEFORE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

JUST DO WHAT COMES NATURAL AND YOU'LL BE SURPRISED...

HOW QUICK THE INNER INSTINCTS WILL TAKE OVER.

YOU WALK UP TO HER, RIGHT ? THE KEY TO THE WHOLE THING IS A GRADUAL APPROACH.

START SLOW. RIGHT.

- OBVIOUSLY, WHAT YOU'RE AFTER IS A NIGHT OF PASSION. - OR AT LEAST A BLOW JOB.

STILL, YOU DON'T JUST WALK RIGHT UP AND ASK FOR IT.

YOU LEAD UP TO IT GRADUALLY. HOW DO I DO THAT ? WHAT DO I SAY ?

YOU OFFER TO BUY HER A DRINK. ASK HER TO DANCE.

WOW ! GUYS, LOOK. THE ONE WITH THE SHORT HAIR...

IN THE ORANGE ? [ Mother ] ALL RIGHT, WENDELL !

NOT BAD ! LET'S DO IT !

I DON'T THINK I CAN. COME ON NOW, WENDELL.

WE WILL BE BEHIND YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

DON'T WORRY. REMEMBER, THE WATCHWORD IS "GRADUAL."

EXCUSE ME-- [ Clears Throat ]

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK ?

UH, WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE ?

THEN I GUESS A BLOW JOB IN THE PARKING LOT WOULD BE OUT OF THE QUESTION.

[ Giggles ] I REALLY LIKE A GUY WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.

WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR SOME ICE CREAM ? OH, SURE.

THAT WORKED ?

SOMETHING WRONG, WENDELL ?

I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THIS, NICOLE.

ABOUT WHAT ? ABOUT BEING WITH YOU TONIGHT.

THE THING IS, THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IF JOE AND MOTHER HADN'T TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY.

THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT GIRLS, AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS...

I KIND OF GOT YOU HERE UNDER FALSE PRETENSES AND...

IF YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO ZELDA'S, I'LL UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T THINK SO, WENDELL.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.

SWEAR TO GOD, JOE, I THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK.

YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT THOSE GIRLS WOULD BELIEVE YOU'RE ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE ?

AT LEAST I DIDN'T SPILL MY DRINKS ON THEM.

OKAY, CASE CLOSED.

ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST AS WELL. WE NEED THE REST.

CHAS LAWLOR IS GONNA BE TOUGH COMPETITION.

CHAS LAWLOR IS AN ASSHOLE.

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

I'M GETTING KIND OF NERVOUS.

HEY, MAN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU'LL DO FINE.

HERE'S TO IT. THANKS.

WONDER HOW WENDELL MADE OUT.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I HOPE SHE LET HIM DOWN EASY.

HEY, I'LL FLIP YOU FOR MASTER BEDROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

HEADS. DAMN IT ! YOU ALWAYS WIN.

I'M SURE YOU AND WENDELL WILL BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.

CUTE.

[ Nicole ] OH, WENDELL. HEY, JOEY, COME HERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ? JUST COME HERE A MINUTE.

[ Nicole Giggling ]

OH, WENDELL, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

DO THAT AGAIN. I LOVE IT.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ? GOOD FOR HIM.

GOOD FOR HIM ? GOOD FOR US.

THAT IS A SAUNA AND JACUZZI FOR THE FRAT HOUSE IN THERE.

YEAH ! ALL RIGHT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. HE'S IN THERE GETTING LAID, AND WE'RE--

RESTING UP. RIGHT.

TOP OR BOTTOM BUNK ? WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE ?

JESUS ! I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD BUILD A FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM...

AND TELL GHOST STORIES.

PLEASE, WENDELL ? ONE MORE TIME.

REALLY ? ARE YOU SURE ?

YES. IT'S MY FAVORITE. WELL, OKAY.

� DANKE SHOEN �

� DARLIN' DANKE SHOEN �

� I SAID THANK YOU FOR �

� MMM, ALL THE JOY YOU BRING �

OH, I LOVE WAYNE NEWTON. I HAVE ALL HIS ALBUMS.

WENDELL, YOU'RE PERFECT.

� I RECALL �

� CENTRAL PARK IN FALL �

� HOW YOU TORE YOUR DRESS WHAT A MESS �

� I CONFESS THAT'S NOT ALL �

� DANKE SHOEN �

� OH, DARLIN' DANKE SHOEN �

� I SAID THANK YOU FOR �

� OOH, ALL THE JOY YOU BRING ��

OH, SO EXCITING.

[ Larry ] THERE SHE IS, JOE.

SHE'S CARRYING A BOOK.

COULD BE FOR EFFECT, OR MAYBE SHE READS.

HMM. SHE'S CHOOSING AN OUT-OF-THE-WAY CHAISE.

DEFINITE LONER TYPE. PROBABLY VERY RICH.

NICE TOWEL. DESIGNER, I THINK.

[ Joe ] COME ON, LET ME SEE. ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

WOW ! I THINK I'M IN TROUBLE.

THIS IS A WOMAN WHO IS DEFINITELY INTO PERFECTION.

I THINK CHAS LAWLOR III HAS A HELL OF A LOT BETTER CHANCE OF PULLING THAT OFF THAN I DO.

BULLSHIT ! IT'S ALL DONE WITH MIRRORS.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. SO HE'S GOT LOOKS.

HE'S GOT CHARM. HE'S GOT MONEY.

BUT YOU HAVE SOMETHING HE'LL NEVER HAVE.

YEAH ? WHAT ? ME.

I HATE TO BRING UP A TINY LITTLE DETAIL AT A TIME LIKE THIS,

BUT ON THE OFF-CHANCE THAT WE SHOULD LOSE THIS BET,

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GET THE GRAND ?

[ Wendell ] YOU SHOULD SEE HER, DAD. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.

SHE LIVES ON A STREET CALLED BOB HOPE DRIVE.

SHE EVEN MET HIM ONCE.

OH, DAD, SHE REALLY DID.

AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.

I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH HER AND HER PARENTS TOMORROW.

OH, OKAY. I WILL.

TELL MOTHER THAT I'LL CALL HER TONIGHT.

OKAY, DAD, BYE-BYE.

DAD SAYS TO TELL YOU GUYS CONGRATULATIONS,

WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

SO, NICOLE LIVES ON BOB HOPE DRIVE, HUH ?

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, WENDELL. YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER HOUSE TOO. SHOOT.

THEY EVEN HAVE A MAILBOX SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE CASTLE.

WE'RE PROUD OF YOU, MAN. REAL PROUD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY ?

WELL, SEE THIS GIRL IN THE WHITE, WENDELL ?

OH, YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO TODAY.

WE JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO UP, INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND ASK HER OUT ?

WENDELL, WENDELL, WENDELL.

THIS IS NO ORDINARY GIRL.

SHE HAS TO BE APPROACHED DELICATELY WITH FINESSE.

THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW THESE THINGS.

I MEAN, LIKE LAST NIGHT.

NICOLE SAID SHE ONLY LEFT ZELDA'S WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE...

BECAUSE SHE FELT SORRY FOR ME.

SHE DIDN'T DECIDE SHE LIKED ME UNTIL LATER.

AND YOU GUYS FIGURED THAT OUT RIGHT FROM THE START, DIDN'T YOU ?

YEAH. MM-HMM.

OH, BOY, THAT'S GREAT. THANKS A LOT, GUYS.

DON'T MENTION IT.

[ Together ] SHE FELT SORRY FOR HIM.

JOE. JOE, YOU'VE GOT TO SNAP OUT OF IT.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE WELL RID OF HER.

SHE DID NOT DESERVE A GUY LIKE YOU.

DON'T SAY THAT. SHE WAS WONDERFUL AND I LOVED HER.

IT'S MY FAULT SHE LEFT. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ?

A GIRL YOU'VE BEEN FAITHFUL TO FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS OF YOUR LIFE...

LEAVES YOU FOR ANOTHER MAN, AND THEN TELLS YOU ALL SHE WAS AFTER WAS YOUR MONEY.

AND THAT'S YOUR FAULT ?

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO TRUST ANOTHER WOMAN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YOU WILL, JOE. YOU WILL.

WE JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WON'T CARE HOW RICH YOU ARE,

WHO WOULDN'T BE SEXUALLY DEMANDING.

COME ON. WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND A WOMAN LIKE THAT ?

I DON'T KNOW, JOE.

I DON'T KNOW.

[ Airplane Engines ]

[ Man ] OH ! LOOK AT THAT ! A GUY JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE.

[ Applauding ]

[ Woman ] OOH, I'M GONNA GET THIS. HAND ME MY POLAROID.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU.

[ Applauding, Whistling ]

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THE INTRUSION.

IT WAS A, UH, TRICK OF THE WIND.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO LAND AT THE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS. I'M LECTURING THERE TONIGHT.

MY PUBLISHER THOUGHT SKYDIVING MIGHT BE A GOOD PUBLICITY STUNT...

TO PROMOTE MY NEW BOOK, MIND, BODY AND SEX.

IT WILL BE AT YOUR BOOKSTORES SOON. WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ?

OH-HO-HO, BOYS. YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT YOUR TURN.

SO LISTEN, NICOLE, WHAT I WAS THINKING WAS...

MY ASTRONOMY CLUB IS HAVING AN AWARDS BANQUET IN THREE WEEKS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ? I'LL PAY FOR YOUR TRIP AND EVERYTHING.

I THINK I MAY HAVE A SHOT AT BEST SCALE MODEL OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

NO, THAT'S TOO... COCKY.

SHE'LL THINK I'M AN EGOMANIAC OR SOMETHIN'.

MMM.

[ Steam Hissing ]

YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN I FLEW IN ?

ALL I SAW WAS HER WALKING AWAY FROM THE POOL.

SO SHE PLAYS HARD TO GET. I CAN HANDLE THAT.

NOBODY WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT HAS THE RIGHT TO PLAY HARD TO GET.

SHE OWES IT TO MANKIND TO BE EASY. YOU ARE A REAL CLASS ACT !

FUCK YOU ! FUCK YOU ! HOLD IT !

LOOK, WE'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED HERE.

SUPPOSE WE BOTH GET HER. WHAT DO WE DO THEN ? DECLARE A DRAW ?

NOT ON YOUR LIFE. IT'S FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE, WHICH BRINGS US TO THE MATTER OF PROOF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PROOF" ? OUR WORD'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH ?

LET'S JUST SAY I WOULDN'T PUT $1000 ON IT.

OH, JESUS. WHAT KIND OF PROOF DO YOU WANT ?

WE'RE TALKIN' HARD EVIDENCE. YOU'VE GOT TO CONVINCE US.

YOU WANT PROOF ? WE'D WANT PROOF. WHATEVER YOU SAY, GENTLEMEN.

- I JUST HAD A HORRIBLE THOUGHT. - GOOD. WHAT ?

YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S WEIRD OR SOMETHING, LIKE A VIRGIN ?

IF THERE'S STILL A VIRGIN LEFT IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD OVER THE AGE OF 13,

I WILL PERSONALLY PUT IN A CALL TO RIPLEY'S.

- HI, YOU GUYS. - J.C., YOU GOT A PHONE ?

I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M TAKING THE JEEP TO PICK UP NICOLE.

OKAY, WENDELL. SEE YOU LATER. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

JESUS, MAN ! WHAT'D YOU DO, SOAK YOUR CLOTHES IN PIERRE CARDIN ?

OH. TOO MUCH, HUH ?

I'LL BUY MORE ON THE WAY HOME, MOTHER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU THETA PIGS MUST BE DESPERATE,

PLEDGING A WIMP LIKE THAT. WIMP ? HE'S OFF TO PICK UP HIS GIRLFRIEND.

WE'RE SITTIN' AROUND HERE SWEATING OUR ASSES OFF WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS.

THINK ABOUT IT. FURTHERMORE, J.C., WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE ?

NO, NO, NO. BETTER IDEA. JUST LEAVE. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

J.C., WHY DON'T WE GET OUT OF HERE ? COME ON.

OH, AND BOYS, I WOULDN'T STAY IN HERE TOO LONG IF I WERE YOU.

YOU MIGHT OVERHEAT.

UGH !

[ Doorknob Clicking ] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ?

FUCKERS LOCKED US IN !

ANYBODY OUT THERE ?

OKAY, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

AHH ! SHIT.

[ Horn Honking ]

LAY RUBBER, WENDELL. UH, WHAT ?

LAY RUBBER. PLEASE ? FOR ME.

[ Shouts ]

JESUS CHRIST ! WE COULD'VE DIED IN THERE. BUT WE DIDN'T.

LET'S GET THOSE BASTARDS.

OW !

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING ? HURRY. SHE'S COMIN'.

GET INSIDE, PULL ON THE DOOR, FOLLOW MY LEAD.

JOEY, PLEASE ! DON'T DO THIS.

NO WOMAN IS WORTH IT ! YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE ! OH, YES, I CAN.

BELIEVE ME, IT'S BETTER THIS WAY. LEAVE ME ALONE !

[ Whispering ] SHE'S HOOKED, JOE. ON THREE.

JOEY ! I'M COMIN' IN ! I'VE GOTTA SAVE YOU !

[ Joe ] NO, DON'T DO IT. I WANT TO DIE !

ONE, TWO, THREE !

JOEY ! SPEAK TO ME !

SPEAK TO ME ! JOEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY. IS HE ALL RIGHT ?

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP ?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO WE DO ?

WE'VE GOT TO BRING HIS BODY TEMPERATURE DOWN. LET'S USE A SHOWER.

SHOWER. RIGHT.

JOEY. FOOL. FOOL !

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

EASY DOES IT. OW !

WHAT DO WE DO NOW ? TAKE OFF HIS TRUNKS. DIAPHRAGMATIC CIRCULATION.

RIGHT.

GOOD. NOW COLD WATER, QUICKLY. HOW COLD ?

VERY COLD.

WHEW. WHY WOULD HE DO A THING LIKE THIS ?

HIS GIRLFRIEND LEFT HIM. HE'S INSANE WITH GRIEF.

OH, THE POOR THING.

WE BETTER CALL A DOCTOR. OH, NO.

HE'LL BE FINE NOW, THANKS TO YOU.

OF COURSE, IT'S HARD TO SAY. HE MAY TRY THIS AGAIN.

UNLESS HE FINDS A REASON TO LIVE, SOME LITTLE THING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

LIKE WHAT ?

I DON'T KNOW. IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH. JUST A WOMAN THAT WOULD LISTEN TO HIM.

BE SENSITIVE TO WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH, NOT TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM SEXUALLY.

I SUPPOSE I COULD. MAYBE DINNER OR SOMETHING.

OH, NO, I COULDN'T ASK THAT OF YOU.

YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH ALREADY. NO, REALLY, IT'S OKAY.

IF YOU REALLY THINK IT WOULD HELP.

YOU'RE A VERY KIND PERSON.

[ Horse Whinnies ] COME ON, BOY.

OH, WENDELL, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HORSES ?

THEY'RE SO SENSUAL AND SO MAJESTIC. AND SO TALL.

NICOLE, MINE LOOKS A LITTLE TIRED. MAYBE WE SHOULD HEAD BACK.

YOUR HORSE ISN'T TIRED, HE'S JUST LAZY. COME ON. LAZY ?

GIDDYAP ! NICOLE ? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO !

WHOA ! WHOA, HORSEY ! NICOLE ! AAH !

[ Woman ] � YOU SAY THAT YOU NEED MY LOVE �

� AND YOU WANTED MY BODY I DON'T MIND �

� BABY, ALL I GOT IS TIME �

� AND I'M WAITIN' TO MAKE YOU MINE �

� YOU SAY YOU WANT TO STAY THE NIGHT �

� BUT YOU'LL LEAVE ME TOMORROW I DON'T CARE �

� ALL OF THE MOVES ARE RIGHT �

� WE CAN TAKE IT ANYWHERE IT'S PHYSICAL ATTRACTION �

[ Chorus ] � PHYSICAL ATTRACTION � � IT'S CHEMICAL REACTION �

� MMM-MMM IT'S PHYSICAL ATTRACTION �

� IT'S CHEMICAL REACTION YEAH �

� TRYING HARD TO GET AWAY �

� BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGHT THE WAY I FEEL �

� EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT FOR REAL �

� YOUR TOUCH IS DRIVIN' ME CRAZY �

� AND WHEN YOU SMILE �

� IT'S JUST MAKING ME WANT YOU MORE AND MORE �

� BABY, WON'T YOU STAY A WHILE �

� IT COULD BE SUCH A FANTASY �

� PHYSICAL ATTRACTION � [ Chorus ] � PHYSICAL ATTRACTION ��

FEELING BETTER ? OH, YEAH. I'LL BE FINE.

GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP...

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU ALL PALE AND SICKLY WHEN YOU MEET MY PARENTS TOMORROW.

OH, I WON'T BE. DON'T WORRY.

WENDELL, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU NERVOUS OR ANYTHING,

BUT IF MY DADDY DOESN'T APPROVE OF YOU, I WON'T BE SEEING YOU ANYMORE.

HMM. WELL--

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. I'M PRETTY CLOSE TO MY PARENTS TOO.

YEAH, BUT I LIVE WITH MINE.

AND BELIEVE ME, DADDY CAN MAKE THINGS PRETTY ROUGH ON ME...

WHEN I BRING A GUY HOME THAT HE DOESN'T THINK IS GOOD ENOUGH.

FOR INSTANCE, ONE TIME HE EVEN HELD A GUY'S HEAD IN THE POOL...

UNTIL HE PROMISED NEVER TO CALL ME AGAIN.

YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW HORRIBLE THAT WAS FOR ME !

HUH.

DON'T LOOK SO SERIOUS, WENDELL. YOU'LL BE FINE.

WELL... SEE YA.

YEAH, SEE YA.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, ASHLEY. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ?

[ Together ] UH-HUH, UH-HUH. YEAH, YOU'VE GOT IT.

NOW TRY IT AGAIN JUST A LITTLE MORE SLOWLY.

OH, YEAH, BREATHE. YEAH. YOU FEEL IT ?

YOU'RE RIGHT. I CAN FEEL THE DIFFERENCE.

THANK YOU. WHEN DID YOU SAY YOUR BOOK IS COMING OUT AGAIN ?

NEXT MONTH. IT'S KIND OF AN EASTERN AND WESTERN TECHNIQUE...

COMBINED INTO A GRADUAL, PRACTICAL AT-HOME PROGRAM.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT. SOUNDS FASCINATING. CAN YOU SHOW ME MORE ?

I'M SORRY, I REALLY CAN'T. IF I START THAT, I'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.

I UNDERSTAND. THANK YOU, THOUGH. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'VE GOT A FREE HALF HOUR BEFORE A SEMINAR I'M LECTURING AT. I COULD STOP BY.

I'D LOVE THAT, BUT I'M SORRY. I'M BUSY TONIGHT.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW ?

ALL RIGHT. BUT I AM PRETTY PRESSED FOR TIME.

OKAY, TOMORROW. I'LL CALL FIRST. WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER ?

YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'VE GOT A PERFECT SHOT FROM HERE. OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

WHAT TIME AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK HER UP ? 7:00.

OKAY. LET'S SEE THIS.

PERFECT. REMEMBER, WHEN YOU GET HER ON THE BED,

MAKE SURE ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON SO WE KNOW IT'S YOU, OKAY ?

RIGHT.

THERE SHE IS, JOE.

GET A FEW TEST SHOTS. GOOD IDEA.

OH, MY GOD ! SHE'S STARTING TO DISROBE, JOE !

OH, LORD !

WE REALLY SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS.

THIS COULD BE INTERPRETED AS PERVERTED BEHAVIOR. LET ME SEE.

ALL RIGHT !

I'M APPALLED AT MYSELF ! CAN I TAKE A LOOK, PLEASE ?

GET LOST. YOU GET TO GO TO BED WITH HER.

YOU COULD AT LEAST ALLOW ME THIS PLEASURE.

ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

SHE'S GONE. SORRY.

[ Snoring ]

WELL, DO I LOOK VULNERABLE AND HEARTBROKEN ENOUGH ?

LET'S SEE.

SLACKS MODESTLY LOOSE, NOT A MILLIMETER OF CHEST HAIR EXPOSED,

UNDERSTATED YET AT THE SAME TIME ELEGANT.

I'D SAY SHE'S YOURS BY MIDNIGHT.

HE MUST'VE HAD QUITE A DAY.

I THINK WE UNLEASHED A GODDAMN TIGER HERE.

DOES HE KNOW WE BORROWED HIS TELESCOPE ? YEAH, I LEFT HIM A NOTE.

COME ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ? JOE, WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

SHE SEEMS LIKE KIND OF A NICE GIRL, HUH ? SHE IS A NICE GIRL.

BUT LOOK, NOBODY'S GONNA GET HURT.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME, SHE'S GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WE'RE GONNA BE A GRAND RICHER, AND WE'RE GONNA SHOW THOSE IDIOTS WHO'S BOSS AT IOWA STATE.

NOT TO MENTION SOME GREAT ACTION SHOTS FOR THE SCRAPBOOK. RIGHT.

SO REMEMBER, THE REPUTATION...

OF THETA PI SIGMAS EVERYWHERE...

IS IN YOUR HANDS TONIGHT.

IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T FUCK THIS UP. RIGHT.

[ Radio ] MADMAN MAC HERE ON A SERIOUS NOTE, IF I MAY.

I WANT TO DEDICATE THIS NEXT ONE TO MY EX-WIFE BUNNY WHO TAUGHT ME THE MEANING OF "BLISS"...

WHEN SHE RAN OFF TO DALLAS WITH A USED CADILLAC SALESMAN.

IT'S THE STOMPERS AND "COAST TO COAST."

[ Radio Clicks Off ]

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. THAT WAS OUR SONG.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

[ Male ] � IT'S THE TRAVELIN' ROCK AND ROLL SHOW �

�� [ Continues Indistinct ]

� BOYS AND GIRLS ALL OVER THIS TOWN �

I KNEW IT. THOSE BASTARDS. SO PREDICTABLE.

� EVERY GIRL AND BOY �

� OH, AIN'T THEM CATS THE MOST �

� ROCKIN' FROM COAST TO COAST �

� YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH �

� YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH �

�� [ Continues Indistinct ]

� REELIN' AND ROCKIN' FROM COAST TO COAST �

� YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH �

� YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ��

HEY ! WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' ?

EXCUSE ME. HERE WE GO.

[ Man ] WHAT IS HE DOING ?

AH, SHIT !

OH, A SMILE. WHAT BROUGHT THAT ON ?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST SUDDENLY FELT BETTER.

WHAT ?

MOTHER ! MOVE YOUR GODDAMN JEEP.

SORRY, GUYS. OH, PLEASE.

AH. LET ME GUESS.

JOE'S PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT ?

I THOUGHT THE HERPES GAG WAS CHEAP, BUT-- HEY, A GRAND'S A GRAND.

WHATEVER WORKS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ? I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, CHAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

WHOO-WHOO-WHOO !

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM HERE ? NO PROBLEM, OFFICER.

MY JEEP SEEMS TO HAVE STALLED.

AND I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY KEYS, SIR. YEAH.

JUST BEHAVE YOURSELVES, GUYS.

AH, HERE WE GO.

[ Snoring ]

HUH.

JOE, LISTEN.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING. YES ?

WELL, YOUR FRIEND MOTHER TOLD ME WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, AND I--

HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT ! YES, HE DID.

HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU'RE FEELING RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. NO, I'M NOT.

YOU SEE, I'M WEALTHY TOO, JOE.

AND I HAD SOMEBODY USE ME BECAUSE OF MONEY.

IT REALLY HURTS, BUT IT GETS EASIER WITH TIME.

I PROMISE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT IT IF YOU WANT TO.

AND IF IT HELPS AT ALL, YOU CAN LEAN ON ME.

WELL, THANK YOU, ASHLEY. I JUST MIGHT TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

OH, WOW, LOOK AT THE MOON.

OH, NO !

[ Groaning ] [ Gasping ] RAPE !

RAPE ! RAPE !

LISTEN, KID, DON'T PANIC. I BELIEVE YOU.

THE OLD BAG'LL PROBABLY CALM DOWN IN A COUPLE HOURS AND DROP THE CHARGES.

YOU THINK SO ? SURE.

THE WORST IS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE CHIEF SCREAM AT YOU FOR A WHILE.

CHIEF ? YEAH. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE HIM. NOBODY DOES.

I'LL TELL YOU, HE'S A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE.

HE LOVES TO GET HIS ROCKS OFF BUSTIN' KIDS WHO COME TO PALM SPRINGS FOR A LITTLE FUN.

JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF. YOU'LL BE OUT OF HERE PRETTY QUICK, OKAY ?

OKAY, I WILL. OH, THANK YOU.

- [ Inmate #1 ] THANK YOU. - [ Inmate #2 ] THANK YOU.

[ Inmate Laughing ]

LONG DINER'S A GOOD SIGN.

GETTIN' KIND OF BORED THOUGH.

� JOEY, WHERE ARE YOU �

IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING, JOE.

OH, I REALLY ENJOYED IT TOO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN FOR A CUP OF COFFEE OR MAYBE A BRANDY ?

OH, NO THANK YOU. I, UH--

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ? YEAH, I'M FINE.

REALLY. I'M JUST A LITTLE FAINT.

I'M SURE I'LL BE FINE IF I CAN MAKE IT BACK TO MY PLACE AND LIE DOWN.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. COME WITH ME.

ASHLEY, I REALLY AM SORRY ABOUT THIS.

I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR JUST AS SOON AS I CAN. IT'S OKAY, JOE.

JUST LAY DOWN FOR A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT. SHOW TIME !

THE LIGHTS, THE LIGHTS.

IT'S A LITTLE DARK IN HERE.

YES !

GET THE CURTAINS, JOEY !

A LITTLE STUFFY TOO.

ALL RIGHT, JOE. SOMETIMES YOU EVEN AMAZE ME.

YOU JUST LAY THERE. I'LL GET YOU SOME WATER. OH, NO, PLEASE.

GET HER ON THE BED.

CAN YOU JUST, UH, SIT HERE NEXT TO ME ?

COME ON. NICE AND EASY.

JOEY, DON'T ! DON'T DO--

JOE, NO. YOU'RE BLOWING IT !

GOD ! [ Moans ]

JOE, PLEASE ! STOP IT !

GOD ! WHAT AM I DOING ?

ASHLEY, REALLY, I'M SORRY. I LOST MY HEAD FOR A MINUTE. FORGIVE ME.

IT'S OKAY. I JUST HOPE YOU DIDN'T MISINTERPRET ANYTHING I MIGHT HAVE SAID.

IF I'VE MISLEAD YOU IN ANY WAY--

OH, NO, IT WAS COMPLETELY MY FAULT.

CAN YOU JUST SIT HERE AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ?

JOE ? GO HOME.

[ Mother ] BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL ! JUST WONDERFUL !

GREAT. JUST GREAT, JOE. GREAT. GREAT.

I WAS PACING AGAIN, WASN'T I ?

I'LL STOP.

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST NERVOUS. THIS IS MY FIRST ARREST.

SURE IT IS. MINE TOO.

WHAT DID THEY ARREST YOU FOR ?

FOR BEING OVERLY AFFECTIONATE TO AN UNDERCOVER VICE SQUAD OFFICER.

THEY CAN ARREST YOU FOR THAT ? THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.

YEAH, WE THINK SO TOO, BUT IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE USED TO IT. [ Door Slams Shut ]

WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE.

OUR VERY OWN LITTLE SUPERMARKET OF SIN.

ISN'T THIS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD !

HI, CHIEF BUTTFACE. TAKEN ANY GOOD BRIBES LATELY ?

WHAT'D YOU SAY, MISS SMITH ? SHE SAID--

I HEARD WHAT SHE SAID, MISS JONES !

I JUST FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT DEGENERATE FILTH...

WOULD HAVE THE AFFRONTERY EVEN TO DARE SPEAK TO ME.

EXCUSE ME. SIR ?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, YOU PERVERTED LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT ?

OH, WELL--

FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING THIS, SIR,

BUT PLEASE DON'T TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY,

AND I THINK WE DESERVE A LITTLE MORE CONSIDERATION.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO TALK IN MY OWN JAIL ?

IT WAS JUST A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, SIR.

YOU WANT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, I'LL GIVE YOU CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

RAPISTS MAKE MY FLESH CRAWL.

YOU FOUL THE VERY AIR THAT I BREATHE.

YOU AND EVERY OTHER SINNER IN THIS PLACE !

TRYING TO CORRUPT MY TOWN, MY STREETS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE TWERP ?

SIR, AREN'T YOU CHIEF BUTTFACE ?

[ Inmates Laughing ]

[ Woman ] RIGHT ON !

HOW COULD YOU BLOW IT ? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKIN' ?

DO YOU WANNA DROP IT ? NO, I DON'T WANNA DROP IT.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT.

OKAY, JOE. I'LL GO UPSTAIRS, WAKE LITTLE WENDELL...

AND ASK HIM HOW WE'RE GONNA WIN A GRAND...

WITH A BUNCH OF ACTION SHOTS OF ASHLEY TAYLOR TELLING YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF.

LET'S GET THE THINGS DEVELOPED AND I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

YOU BETTER. I WILL.

YOU BETTER. I WILL.

YOU BETTER.

WELL, LISTEN. THANKS A LOT FOR THE RIDE.

[ Smith ] ARE YOU KIDDING ? THANK YOU. FOR STICKING UP FOR US.

FOR BAILING US OUT. FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

OH, WENDELL. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE A LITTLE COMPANY ?

THAT'S VERY NICE, BUT I GOTTA GET SOME SLEEP.

THANKS ANYWAY, THOUGH. BYE, WENDELL.

BYE. BYE, SWEETIE.

BOY, WHAT A NIGHT. WHAT TIME IS IT ?

5:30. 5:30 ?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT ! I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET NICOLE'S PARENTS...

IN SIX AND A HALF HOURS.

HOW AM I GONNA MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION WITH NO SLEEP ?

WHEN I DON'T GET EIGHT HOURS, I LOOK LIKE A BIG PILE OF DOG DOO-DOO.

BOY, LEAVE IT TO OLD WENDELL TO GET ARRESTED WHEN I'VE GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DO.

ARRESTED ? FOR WHAT ?

ATTEMPTED RAPE. AND SHE LET ME SIT THERE ALL NIGHT BEFORE SHE DROPPED THE CHARGES.

I'M TELLING YOU ! OH, I'M EXHAUSTED.

WE'VE CREATED A MONSTER.

GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN AND TAKE A LOOK ? HUH ?

I'M READY.

THAT'S THE BEST I COULD DO ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

GIMME A LITTLE MORE TIME, I COULD MAKE 'EM LOOK A LOT BETTER.

MMM, THESE ARE TERRIBLE. WE LOST, JOE.

GIMME A BREAK. I TOLD YOU, THAT'S THE BEST I COULD DO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

WHAT ? WELL, WHAT NOW,

MR. "I SWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT I HAD HER" ?

YEAH, MAN. I'M THINKIN'.

OKAY.

HARRY.

WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE...

IF WE PUT THIS ON TOP OF THIS ?

HMM. YEAH.

OR...

HOW ABOUT THAT SUPERIMPOSED ON THIS ?

HONESTLY ? YEAH.

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THE COVER OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

[ Together ] PERFECT.

I LOVE CHOPIN. WOULD THAT BE ALL RIGHT ?

OH, THAT'S GOOD. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE RECOMMEND...

MUSIC WITH A LOUD, HEAVY BEAT, BUT--

SIT DOWN. AS YOU'LL SEE IN CHAPTER SIX OF MY BOOK,

I ADHERE TO THE THEORY THAT EXERCISE SHOULD BE DONE IN A RELAXED, PLACID ATMOSPHERE...

FOR A MORE TOTAL UNION OF THE PHYSICAL AND METAPHYSICAL.

SPREAD YOUR LEGS. HOLD ME.

I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TO BREATHE DEEPLY...

AND RELAX.

WE'RE GONNA DO SMALL CIRCLES.

AND I WANT YOU TO MOVE WITH ME. YES.

HOW'S THIS ?

OH, ASHLEY, YOU'RE FANTASTIC.

DO YOU FEEL IT ? OH, YES.

DOES IT HURT ?

A LITTLE, BUT IT FEELS GOOD.

OOH, I'M GLAD. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. NOW,

WE'RE GONNA DO ANOTHER ONE I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE EVEN BETTER.

LIE DOWN ON YOUR BACK. YEAH.

PUT YOUR HANDS UP BEHIND YOUR HEAD LIKE THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? GET OFF OF ME !

COME ON, BABY. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

JUST RELAX. RELAX. LET IT HAPPEN.

OOH ! [ Moaning ]

DOES THIS MEAN YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE ?

I'M SURE DADDY WILL BE ALONG ANY MINUTE.

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. I DESPISE IT WHEN HE'S LATE.

SO, WILLARD-- MOTHER, IT'S WENDELL.

WHATEVER. JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS IT THAT YOUR FATHER DOES ?

HE OWNS ONE OF THE LARGEST PIG FARMS IN CENTRAL IOWA, MRS. FERRET.

HE'S A... PIG FARMER ?

YES, MA'AM.

DID YOU KNOW THIS, NICOLE ? OF COURSE NOT, MOTHER.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR ? I'M WENDELL TVEDT.

HOW DO YOU DO, WENDELL ? WOULD YOU CARE TO SEE THE WINE LIST ?

I THINK WE'LL JUST WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND. THANK YOU, ALPHONSE.

OH, GOOD. HERE'S DADDY NOW.

RAPIST !

OH, WENDELL.

I DON'T THINK MY FATHER LIKES YOU VERY MUCH. I'M SORRY.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I MOST CERTAINLY AM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? I SAW YOU SMILING, NICOLE.

I DIDN'T SMILE. I HAPPEN TO BE VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS.

LET'S FACE IT. YOU BLEW IT.

I DIDN'T BLOW IT, NICOLE.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG IN THERE.

AND WHAT YOUR FATHER DID TO ME WAS VERY UNFAIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK ?

I THINK YOU LIKED IT.

I THINK YOU LIKE SEEING YOUR FATHER DO THAT TO YOUR BOYFRIENDS.

YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I THINK ?

I THINK THAT MAKES YOU NOT VERY NICE.

THAT'S TOO BAD, 'CAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE.

WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT IT--

GOOD-BYE, WENDELL.

GOOD-BYE, NICOLE.

[ Together ] READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME !

WE'RE READY FOR YOU TOO, SUCKERS. GET UP HERE.

WHOO ! PAY UP, BOYS. WE SCORED !

SO DID WE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

READ 'EM AND WEEP.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS PROVE ?

YOU'VE GOT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND SHE'S NOT IN BED WITH YOU.

HOW DO WE KNOW ANYTHING HAPPENED ?

COME ON, CHAS. SHE'S NAKED, I'M REACHING FOR HER. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED ?

I SUPPOSE YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER.

YES. J.C. ?

[ Chas's Voice ] VERY GOOD.

YOU'RE FANTASTIC, ASHLEY. DOES IT HURT ?

[ Ashley ] A LITTLE, BUT IT FEELS GOOD.

YEAH. [ Moaning ]

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT, GENTLEMEN, THAT'S THE SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE FUCKING.

SO IT IS.

BUT WHEN ? WHEN WHAT ?

- WHEN DID YOU DO IT TO HER ? - NOT MORE THAN SIX HOURS AGO.

AHA ! WELL !

I TOOK THOSE PICTURES ON THAT ROOF LAST NIGHT, MY FRIEND.

YOU'D TAKE MONEY ON A BULLSHIT TECHNICALITY LIKE THAT ?

IN A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE, YOU ASSHOLES !

ON BEHALF OF THETA PI SIGMAS EVERYWHERE,

WE HUMBLY THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

EASIEST MONEY I'VE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.

[ Ashley ] IT CERTAINLY IS, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

YOU MADE A BET ON ME ?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ? WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU ANYWAY ?

I JUST WISH YOU'D TELL ME WHAT I DID TO ANY OF YOU TO DESERVE THIS.

I MEAN, IS IT FUN LYING TO SOMEONE ?

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR VULNERABILITY FOR A STUPID BET ?

AND NOW YOU'RE LYING TO EACH OTHER.

TELL THEM.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM THAT.

THEN YOU TELL 'EM.

WHAT'S THE USE ?

YOU LIED ABOUT THIS ? GIMME MY MONEY BACK.

FUCK THE MONEY, MAN. WE GOTTA GO AFTER HER. WHAT FOR ? IT'S OVER.

DON'T YOU THINK SHE DESERVES AN APOLOGY ? FINE, I'LL SEND HER FLOWERS.

IN THE MEANTIME, COULD YOU GET ME A BEER ? I AM BEAT.

[ Joe ] ASHLEY !

WAIT, PLEASE !

I'M SORRY !

YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT, DO YOU ?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS ABOUT ? YOU WERE INTO IT AS MUCH AS WE WERE.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BET. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING ATTITUDES ABOUT EVERYTHING.

THE WAY YOU TREAT PEOPLE, YOU SMUG--

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing ] WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD HAVE THOSE BEERS ANYWAY ?

HELLO. [ Nicole ] WENDELL, IS THAT YOU ?

NO, THIS IS MOTHER. THIS IS NICOLE.

HI, NICOLE. IS WENDELL THERE ?

NO. NO, WHY ? I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH YOU.

WELL, HE WAS, BUT MY FATHER BEAT HIM UP. HE WHAT ?

YEAH, HE BEAT HIM UP. HE... BEAT HIM UP ?

I FEEL TERRIBLE. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

LOOK, IS HE ALL RIGHT ?

I DON'T KNOW. I WAS HOPING THAT-- [ Phone Disconnects ]

HELLO ?

LOOK, YOU GUYS WAIT HERE. WATCH FOR ASHLEY.

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO WENDELL.

SHE WOULDN'T STOP. WHAT'S GOING ON ?

WENDELL. NICOLE'S FATHER BEAT HIM UP.

HE DID WHAT ? SHE CALLED. WE GOT CUT OFF.

WHERE IS HE ? IS HE OKAY ? I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S GOT THE JEEP.

I ALWAYS PREFERRED A MERCEDES ANYWAY. KEYS ?

NO KEYS. YOU EVER HOT-WIRE BEFORE ?

OF COURSE. YEAH. REALLY ?

YEAH, OF COURSE. ARE YOU SURE ?

YEAH, YEAH. WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL ME PARNELLI JONES ?

IT'S NO TIME FOR JOKES. [ Engine Revving ]

YOU SURE IT WASN'T BING CROSBY DRIVE ? BOB HOPE, JOE.

JUST LOOK FOR A MAILBOX SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE CASTLE.

HOW COULD ANYBODY BEAT UP WENDELL ? I HOPE HE'S OKAY.

HE BETTER BE. THERE IT IS.

HI.

DID YOU FIND HIM ? NO, WE DIDN'T.

WHAT DID HE SAY ?

WHAT'S GOING ON ? HE WAS VERY UPSET.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE HE MIGHT HAVE GONE ? I DON'T KNOW.

[ Ferret ] SWEETHEART ?

I'LL HANDLE THIS. YOU GO BACK TO OUR GUESTS. BUT, DADDY--

EXCUSE ME, BUT WE WERE TALKING TO NICOLE. NOW YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

- WE'RE ENTERTAINING. WHY DON'T YOU PUNKS GET THE HELL OUT ? - WE'RE LOOKING FOR WENDELL.

OH, YOU'RE FRIENDS OF THAT LITTLE BAG OF SLIME, HUH ?

WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM ? A LITTLE BAG OF SLIME ! WHY ?

- WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM ? - THE SAME THING I'M GONNA DO TO YOU TWO,

UNLESS YOU HAUL YOUR BUTTS OUT OF HERE.

SIR, WE'D LIKE TO FINISH OUR CONVERSATION WITH NICOLE.

IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE. YEAH, SURE YOU WOULD.

YOU AND EVERY OTHER HORNY LITTLE BASTARD IN THIS TOWN !

KEEP AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER AND MY HOUSE !

DON'T SHOW YOUR FACES AROUND HERE AGAIN ! YOU MAKE ME SICK !

LISTEN, SIR. PLEASE. IF WE COULD JUST--

FORGIVE THE INTRUSION. JUST A COUPLE OF FOREIGN COLLEGE KIDS.

DADDY, I WANTED TO TALK TO THEM.

ISN'T SHE ADORABLE ? MY SWEET LITTLE HONEY CHILD.

I TRY TO TREAT THESE KIDS DECENTLY WHEN THEY COME INTO TOWN.

I'M FAIR, I'M LENIENT. WHAT THANKS DO I GET ?

INTRUSIONS, DISRESPECT.

ATTEMPTS TO LURE MY DAUGHTER INTO ALL KINDS OF MISCHIEF.

[ Laughing ] COME ON, JOSE ! CRANK HER UP !

[ Horn Honking ]

- [ Speaking Spanish ] - OH, MY GOD !

WE DID SAY PLEASE, MOTHERFUCKER.

[ Inmate ] HEY ! HIGH FIVE !

LOOK, I AM NOT A CRIMINAL. I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT.

[ Officer ] THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

THIS MUST BE US. WOW. LOVELY.

BUNK BEDS ?

FLIP YOU FOR THE TOP BUNK.

THAT'S CUTE. CUTE.

[ Male Singer ] � WHERE YOU GONNA RUN TO �

� WHEN THERE'S NO PLACE TO HIDE �

� HOW YOU GONNA SMILE WHEN YOU'RE HURT �

� SO DEEP DOWN INSIDE �

� HOW YOU GONNA KEEP YOUR HANDS FROM SHAKIN' �

� WHEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL �

� ARE BREAKIN' �

� YOU'RE FOOLIN' NO ONE BUT YOURSELF �

� YOU'RE FOOLIN' NO ONE BUT YOURSELF ��

THANKS A LOT FOR STOPPING.

MY CAR BROKE DOWN.

OH, HI !

ARE YOU OKAY ? WHAT'S WRONG ?

[ Chas ] SIR, THAT VEHICLE YOU'RE HOLDING AS EVIDENCE...

HAPPENS TO BE MY $40,000 MERCEDES.

THAT JUST ABOUT MAKES YOU AN ACCESSORY, DOESN'T IT ?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME ? CHARLES LAWLOR III.

WE HAD NO IDEA THEY TOOK THE CAR, AND I'D LIKE IT BACK.

THEY PERPETRATED THEIR FLAGRANT DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY IN A STOLEN VEHICLE.

THAT'S GONNA ADD TIME TO THEIR SENTENCE.

THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY STEAL IT, THEY WERE SORT OF BORROWING IT.

THIS IS GETTING ENTIRELY OUT OF HAND. HOW MUCH ?

I BEG YOUR PARDON ? HOW MUCH TO TAKE CARE OF MY FRIENDS AND MY CAR ?

ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO BRIBE AN OFFICER OF THE LAW ? NO, I'M JUST TRYING--

RICH BOY, YOU'VE GOT TWO CHOICES.

PUT THE MONEY BACK IN YOUR POCKET AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

OR I'M GONNA MAKE IT A FOURSOME IN THAT CELL. NOW WHAT'S IT GONNA BE ?

[ Sighs ] J.C.

OKAY, YOU LAST BLASTERS,

MADMAN MAC WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE...

FROM THE MIGHTY MANAGEMENT AT THE RAMADA RESORT.

NO DRINKING, NO DRUGS, NO RUNNING, NO PUSHING,

NO SHOVING, NO SPLASHING, NO DIVING, NO JUMPING, NO SCREAMING,

NO YELLING, NO DANCING, NO SINGING,

NO ROCKING, NO ROLLING, NO KISSING, NO HUGGING.

IN OTHER WORDS,

GET IT UP, BUT KEEP IT DOWN.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE ?

THANK YOU !

I'M CHAS LAWLOR, IOWA STATE.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE. WHILE I DO,

THE DRINKS ARE ON ME !

[ Cheering ]

CHIEF OF POLICE BUTTFACE, WITH HIS USUAL GESTAPO TACTICS,

HAS INCARCERATED TWO OF OUR FELLOW STUDENTS FOR A MINOR INFRACTION.

SO THERE'S ONE THING I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO.

�� [ Musical Humming ]

� I GOT THE PALM SPRINGS JAILHOUSE BLUES �

[ Mother ] �� [ Musical Humming ]

HEY, MOTHER, IT'S THE CHIEF. HI, CHIEF.

ARE YOU TWO LITTLE FAGGOTS COMFORTABLE ?

OH, PRETTY COMFORTABLE. WE COULD USE A POOL TABLE, HOWEVER.

OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S KIND OF NICE.

[ Car Horns Honking ]

[ Honking Continues, Students Chanting ]

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Madman Mac ] I'VE GOT A BULLETIN FOR YOU LAST BLASTERS STILL NOT WITH IT.

THE LAST BLAST HAS BEEN MOVED, BABY,

FROM THE RAMADA RESORT TO THE PALM SPRINGS CITY HALL.

THAT'S OKAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU DO IT, BUT HOW YOU DO IT.

SO LET'S DO IT, DO IT ! SPRING THE PALM SPRINGS TWO !

�� [ Rock And Roll ]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE ?

HOLY SHIT.

NELSON, THE BULLHORN.

[ Phone Ringing ] DADDY ?

DAMN. EVERY TIME THE KIDS COME DOWN HERE, I'VE GOTTA WORK OVERTIME.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS AND GIRLS, NOW HEAR THIS !

HEAR THIS.

I WANT YOU ALL TO DISPERSE. RIGHT NOW. THAT'S IT.

PACK IT UP. LET'S GO HOME. GOOD NIGHT.

[ Ferret ] NOW, THAT'S ENOUGH !

I ORDER YOU TO DISPERSE !

[ Crowd Booing ]

[ Ferret ] THAT'S IT ! I WARNED YOU TURKEYS !

[ Continues Indistinct ]

NELSON, CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARD. DADDY--

NOT NOW, SWEETHEART. DADDY'S BUSY.

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT TAKE ? LET THEM GO.

WHAT ? I SAID, LET THEM GO. PLEASE ?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

IF YOU DON'T LET THEM GO, I WILL NEVER EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

OH, SWEETHEART. AND I'LL MARRY A DEMOCRAT.

AAH.

[ Cheering ]

THANKS FOR COMING, CHAS. WHEN IT'S US AGAINST YOU GUYS, I ROOT FOR US.

WHEN IT'S US AGAINST THEM, I ROOT FOR ALL OF US.

ALL RIGHT ! [ Cheering ]

AS YOU KNOW, OURS WAS A SHORT BUT GRUELING IMPRISONMENT.

AN IMPRISONMENT RIFE WITH THE ANGUISH OF KNOWING...

THAT WHILE WE WERE IN THERE STARING AT COLD STEEL BARS...

YOU GUYS WERE OUT HERE PARTYING YOUR ASSES OFF !

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF WE HAD IT TO DO OVER,

WE'D DO IT AGAIN !

OH, AND LOOK, ASHLEY.

SEE THOSE THREE STARS RIGHT THERE ? UH-HUH.

THOSE FORM ORION'S BELT.

WAS NICOLE REALLY YOUR FIRST GIRLFRIEND ?

WELL, IF YOU CALL SEEING THE SAME PERSON...

TWO DAYS IN A ROW YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I GUESS.

WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING KIND OF FUNNY ? WHAT ?

I THINK JOE AND MOTHER THINK NICOLE AND I REALLY DID IT.

BUT WE DIDN'T.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'VE NEVER DONE IT WITH ANYONE.

I'M STILL A VIRGIN.

BUT THAT'S OKAY. THERE'S NOT MANY OF US LEFT IN THE WORLD.

ARE YOU ONE TOO ?

WOULD YOU BE DISAPPOINTED IF I WEREN'T ?

OH, NO, ASHLEY. NOT AT ALL.

IT'S-- I MEAN, I'M NOT ONE BECAUSE I WANNA BE.

IT'S JUST KIND OF WORKED OUT THAT WAY SO FAR.

BUT YOU LET JOE AND MOTHER GO ON BELIEVING...

THAT YOU AND NICOLE HAD.

YEAH. WHY, WENDELL ?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S PROBABLY THE WRONG THING TO DO,

BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I'VE KNOWN THEM, THEY ACTUALLY SEEM TO LIKE ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT FOR SOME REASON...

IT SEEMS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THEM.

IS IT THAT IMPORTANT THAT THEY LIKE YOU ?

YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.

IT JUST HURTS TO FEEL LEFT OUT.

YOU BET IT DOES.

[ Cheering ]

WHOO !

[ Crowd ] SPEECH ! SPEECH ! SHAKE IT, MOTHER !

WHEN CHAS LAWLOR SACRIFICED HIS BELOVED MERCEDES,

I HEARD HIM SAY, "FUCK IT. IT'S INSURED."

THAT'S KIND OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE.

LET'S GO ! LET'S BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE ! ALL RIGHT !

YOU GUYS GOT SOME FURNITURE.

YEAH ! ALL RIGHT !

OH, WOW ! LOOK AT THIS ! COOL BALL !

ALL RIGHT !

HEY, HEY. CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN IN HERE A LITTLE ?

YOU WOKE ME UP.

WENDELL, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ? WE'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I'M SORRY, JOE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO WORRY YOU.

I'M OKAY.

YOU SURE ARE.

ALL RIGHT. I'M MAN ENOUGH TO ADMIT DEFEAT.

I GUESS THE THETA PI'S WON. HERE.

OH, I DON'T WANT THAT, CHAS. THANKS ANYWAY.

YEAH.

UH, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO BELIEVE A WORD OF THIS, BUT...

I REALLY AM SORRY, ASHLEY.

YOU'RE A VERY NICE PERSON AND YOU DON'T DESERVE--

JOE ? YEAH ?

ANY FRIEND OF WENDELL'S IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

ALL RIGHT. HAVE A BEER.

WE GO WAY BACK, WENDELL AND I. WE'VE BEEN CLOSE 30, 40 SECONDS.

[ Doorbell Rings ] HEY, THAT'S MOTHER. WENDELL, HOLD THE DOOR.

OH, MOTHER ! ALL RIGHT ! HUDDLE !

OKAY ! WE GOT IT !

HOLD IT. ONE, TWO, THREE !

MOTHER ! [ Together ] SURPRISE !

[ Screams ]

WENDELL, I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.

I'M REAL PROUD. OH, NO ! IT'S HIS--

WHEN DID YOU TWO GET IN ? WE JUST GOT HERE.

WE WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU. SORRY.

TA-DA ! MOTHER ! WHOO-HOO !

[ Screams ] LOOK OUT !

ALL RIGHT !

THIS IS MADMAN MAC GETTING OVER THIS WEEKEND'S INSANITY.

I HOPE PALM SPRINGS SHOWED YOU HALF AS GOOD A TIME AS YOU SHOWED US.

THIS IS MADMAN MAC SAYING SO LONG, EVERYBODY !

GUYS. SON. AND YOU, PRECIOUS.

BYE, DAD.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PIGS. I'LL TAKE CARE OF 'EM. OKAY, BYE.

I'LL CALL YOU.

I'LL CALL YOU TOO, ASHLEY.

YOU ARE A STUD. I AM NOT.

I WANT LESSONS FROM THIS MAN !

SO, I GUESS WE'LL SEE YOU ASSHOLES BACK ON CAMPUS.

NOT IF WE SEE YOU FIRST.

GO, WENDELL. SEE YOU GUYS.

BYE, J.C. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

BYE, CHAS.

[ Male Singer ] � HEY, BOY THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR �

� FIRST YOU'VE GOT TO GET IN THE GAME �

� SO GET GOIN' PUT IT ON THE LINE NOW �

� THE FIRST MOVE IS THE HARDEST TO MAKE �

� TAKE THE CHANCE SHOW YOUR FEELINGS �

� TAKE THE CHANCE LET HER IN �

� TAKE THE CHANCE OUT OF NOWHERE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DREAMING �

� NOW YOUR DREAM IS COMING TRUE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A LONG SHOT �

� BEGINNER'S LUCK IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU �

� THERE YOU ARE SITTIN' AT THE STOP LIGHT �

� WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE �

� SHE PULLS UP SHE'S ROLLIN' DOWN HER WINDOW �

� HEY, BOY BETTER ASK HER HER NAME �

� TAKE THE CHANCE SHOW YOUR FEELINGS �

� TAKE THE CHANCE LET HER IN �

� TAKE THE CHANCE OUT OF NOWHERE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DREAMING �

� NOW YOUR DREAM IS COMING TRUE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A LONG SHOT �

� BEGINNER'S LUCK �

� IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKIN' �

� SNEAKIN' UP FROM BEHIND �

� TAKIN' HOLD OF YOUR HEART, BOY �

� THAT SWEET SURPRISE �

� HEY, BOY THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR �

� FIRST YOU'VE GOT TO GET IN THE GAME �

� SO GET GOIN' PUT IT ON THE LINE NOW �

� THE FIRST MOVE IS THE HARDEST TO MAKE �

� TAKE THE CHANCE SHOW YOUR FEELINGS �

� TAKE THE CHANCE LET HER IN �

� TAKE THE CHANCE OUT OF NOWHERE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DREAMING �

� NOW YOUR DREAM IS COMING TRUE �

� YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A LONG SHOT �

� BEGINNER'S LUCK IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU �

� IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU �

� IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU �

� IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU ��

- [ Announcer ] MEET JOE. - TAKE OFF HIS TRUNKS.

AND MOTHER. THIS COULD BE INTERPRETED AS PERVERTED BEHAVIOR.

AND INTRODUCING... HOW DO YOU DO, SIR ? I'M WENDELL TVEDT.

- MY NAME'S WENDELL TVEDT. - HI. I'M WENDELL TVEDT. NICE TO MEET YOU.

THEY'RE THREE FUN-LOVING FRATERNITY BROTHERS ON VACATION.

[ Together ] WELCOME TO PALM SPRINGS, YOU ASSHOLES !

FRATERNITY VACATION !

I TRY TO TREAT THESE KIDS DECENTLY WHEN THEY COME INTO TOWN.

- PACK IT UP. LET'S GO HOME. - I'M FAIR, I'M LENIENT.

I ORDER YOU TO DISPERSE !