All language subtitles for [English] Homerun Showdown [DownSub.com]

HEY, MISTER!
RIGHT HERE!

-IS THIS YOURS?
-YEAH.

HEY, MISTER! ONE MORE.

HEY, KID. AIN'T YOU GOT
ANYONE ELSE TO PLAY WITH?

TRYOUTS TODAY. I GOTTA WARM UP.
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT, HUH?

HERE YOU GO.

TOO EASY.

-TOO EASY, IS IT?
-YEAH. YOU HEARD ME.

ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.

GO BACK, BACK, BACK.
IT'S DEEP.

IT'S REALLY DEEP.

[GRUNTS]

YOU SAID IT WAS TOO EASY.

COME ON, ONE MORE.

KID, YOU'RE LIKE
A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

ALL RIGHT, LAST THROW,
THOUGH, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S A HARD HIT LINE DRIVE
TO RIGHT. YOU READY?

DIVE? NO!
DON'T DIVE FOR IT!

YOU GOTTA GET YOUR BODY
IN FRONT OF THAT SHOT.

GET UP. GET ON YOUR HORSE.
GO GET THE BALL.

GUY'S ON FIRST,
GOING AROUND SECOND.

HE'S ON HIS WAY TO THIRD!

GO, GO, GO!
YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT THROW!

TAG!

GREAT THROW FROM
THE KID OUT THERE,

MR. WHAT'S HIS NAME
IN RIGHT FIELD.

LORI.

-LORI.
-YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DIVING FOR THAT BALL?

YOU GOTTA GET IN FRONT OF IT,
KNOCK IT DOWN WITH YOUR BODY.

MAKE THE PLAY!

YOUR TEAM ALMOST
LOST THE GAME.

-YEAH, WELL...
-HEY, KID!

THERE'S NO BALL PLAYING HERE.

THERE'S NO BALL PLAYING
IN A BASEBALL DIAMOND?

THAT SEEMS WEIRD, SIMPSON.

I JUST PLANTED GRASS SEED.
LOOK AT THE FOOTPRINTS.

TELL ME, DELUCA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

KID'S NOT HURTING ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT
HURTING PEOPLE, DON'T YOU?

I NEVER EXPECTED
TO SEE YOU WITH A BASEBALL
IN YOUR HAND AGAIN.

YOU DON'T LIKE BASEBALL.
YOU'RE KIDDING.

BASEBALL DOESN'T
LIKE ME, KID.

HEY, GET OFF THE FIELD, KID.

[ANNOUNCER]
HOME RUN SHOWDOWN!

THE MIGHTIEST HITTERS,
THE MOST POWERFUL HOME RUNS...

BIG LEAGUE BASEBALL'S
EPIC HITTING CONTEST IS COMING
TO DETROIT.

AND BEST OF ALL, KIDS,
YOU CAN BE PART OF THE ACTION.

QUALIFYING PLAYERS
FROM LOCAL YOUTH BASEBALL TEAMS

WILL BE ON THE FIELD
WITH THE PROS

TO SHAG BALLS LIVE
ON NATIONAL TV.

IT'S YOUR CHANCE
TO PLAY BALL WITH THE BIG BOYS

AT THE ONE, THE ONLY
HOME RUN SHOWDOWN!

HEY.

HEY, YOU LOOK KIND OF FAMILIAR.

HEY, YOU'RE NEW IN TOWN.

HEY, WE'RE SHORT ONE COACH.
YOU THINK YOUR DAD
MIGHT BE INTERESTED?

MY DAD CAN'T NOW.
HE'S IN EUROPE
FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.

NEXT.
HEY! SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
WE GOT A REALLY FUN
GIRL'S SOFTBALL LEAGUE

OVER IN FOSTER PARK, OKAY?

I PLAY HARDBALL.

HEY, WHO'S THIS LITTLE GUY?

MY SON, EUGENE HAUCK.

TANKER, MA...

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STEP ON IN.

MOM! WHAT'S THAT FOR?
[GRUNTS]

GRANDCHILDREN.

[GASPS]

I'M COMMISSIONER SIMPSON.

NOW, SOME OF YOU MAY BE FAMILIAR
WITH OUR COACHES THIS YEAR.

WE GOT MIKE,
WHO'S GONNA BE COACHING
THE LITTLE CAESAR'S ROYALS.

COME ON, LET'S KEEP
IT DOWN GUYS. COME ON.

CREIGHTON,
WHO'S GONNA BE COACHING

THE SAM MECKLER
AND ASSOCIATES BREWERS.

QUIET!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GRUNTS]

NOW WE GOT JEFF.

NOW JEFF IS GONNA BE COACHING
YOUNG & SONS CONSTRUCTION
BLUE JAYS.

AND NOW,
COACHING RICO'S RED SOX,

WE'VE GOT THE FORMER
THIRD BASEMAN FOR SAN FRANCISCO,

RICO DELUCA.

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT.
NOW WE'RE STILL LOOKING
FOR A COACH FOR THAT SIXTH TEAM,

SO IF ANY OF YOU DADS WANT
TO GIVE IT A TRY,
IT CAN BE REALLY FUN.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT A QUESTION?

DO WE ALL GET TO GO
TO THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN?

NO, JUST THE TOP THREE TEAMS
FROM EACH DISTRICT GET
TO SEND PLAYERS,

AND ONLY GOOD KIDS.

ALL RIGHT? NO TROUBLEMAKERS,
NO DIRTY PLAYERS.

[BRONX CHEER, SHOUTING]

WELL, OBVIOUSLY FROM THIS GROUP

NONE OF YOU ARE GOING.

[BOYS]
BOO!

SIMMER DOWN, SIMMER DOWN.
KEEP IT CLEAN.

YOU'LL ALL GET YOUR CHANCE.
ALL RIGHT!

PARTNER UP.
LET'S SEE YOU THROW.

COME ON, LET'S MOVE!
LET'S MOVE!

COME ON, LET'S MOVE. LET'S MOVE!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

-YOU WANNA...
-PHH...

HEY! HERE.

MY NAME'S PHYLLIS.
BUT THEY CALL ME FASSI.

WHO CALLS SOMEONE FASSI?

FASSI, WOULD YOU CARE
TO SAY A FEW WORDS
FOR MY PODCAST?

MOM WANTS YOU HOME!

I CAN'T GO HOME.
I HAVE A PUBLIC TO SERVE.

[SIGHS]

THAT'S MY LITTLE BROTHER, DAVE.

DOES HE THINK HE'S HOWARD
COSELL?

WHO'S HOWARD COSELL?

WHO ARE THE THREE BEST TEAMS?

WELL, RICO'S RED SOX
ARE THE BEST.

THAT'S THE TEAM I WANT TO MAKE.

THROW TO FIRST BASE!

NICE CATCH.
OKAY, RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT THAT KID.

OW!

GET A DOCTOR FOR THAT GUY.

MOVE HIM OVER TO THE SIDE.

I'M GONNA PUT THIS ONE IN THE
AIR FOR YOU.
READY?

EUGENE, BE CAREFUL!

[GRUNTS]

WAY TO USE YOUR HEAD THERE, BUD.

THESE KIDS ARE TERRIBLE.
DOESN'T ANYBODY PLAY
BASEBALL ANYMORE?

ALL RIGHT, FLY BALL.
LET'S GO. HERE YOU GO.
LOOK ALIVE, BUDDY!

THERE YOU GO.
BACK, BACK, BACK.
WHAT ARE YOU... HEY! HEY!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HEY.

AT LEAST THE GIRL CAN CATCH.

SHE CAN PLAY SOFTBALL.

I WON'T HAVE HER TAKING
THE SPOT OF A BOY.

NOT WHEN WE'RE ONE TEAM DOWN,
ANYWAY.

HERE YOU GO.

HE'S TRYING TOO HARD.

I MEAN, HE'S GOT
A LITTLE BIT OF TALENT,
BUT I DON'T WANT HIM.

ALL RIGHT, FAST,
FAST, FAST, WOO?

WOO, WOO, AND THE BIG FINALE...

[CHEERING]

-YOU NEED TO SEE ANYMORE?
-NO, I'M GOOD.

WAY TO GO.
GOOD JOB!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
LET'S GATHER UP AROUND HERE.
COME ON.

GATHER IT UP.

COME ON.
LET'S GET IN HERE. ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, I REALLY WANT
TO THANK YOU GUYS
FOR COMING OUT TODAY.

JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT YOU'RE ALL CUT.

BUT IF WE FIND ANOTHER COACH,
SOME OF YOU GUYS
WILL GET A CALL.

ALL RIGHT?
THANKS AGAIN.

LOOK OUT.

COACH RICO.

HEY, KID.

GREAT EFFORT OUT THERE.
BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.

-LOAD UP.
-LET'S GO!

[CHILD IN VAN]
OW! NICE ONE, DOOFUS!

HEY, YOU NEW AROUND HERE?

YEAH, I'M LORI.

THEY CALL ME TANKER,

AS IN THE SECOND COMING
OF TANK TURPINO,

THE GREATEST BALL PLAYER
OF ALL TIME.

HEY, LORI, COME ON, LET'S GO.

THAT'S YOUR MOM?

MY MOM DIED.
THAT'S MY AUNT.

I'M STAYING WITH HER
FOR THE SUMMER.

WHERE'S YOUR DAD?

HE'S IN IRAQ.
HE'LL BE BACK SOON.

WOW, NO PARENTS.

YOU GET TO DO ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO?

[TANKER'S MOTHER]
EUGENE!

[LORI'S FATHER]
I'M THRILLED YOU MADE
THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE.

I BET THEY WERE THINKING,

"WHO IS THIS NEW KID
AND WHY IS HE SO GOOD?"

YEAH, I REALLY ROCKED 'EM.

AND YOU WERE WORRIED
YOU WERE GONNA CHOKE AGAIN.

I KNEW YOU'D PULL IT OFF.

DAD, WHY CAN'T YOU
JUST COME HOME?

I DON'T LIKE IT HERE.

LORI, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT.

BUT THEY SAID IF
YOU TELL THEM WHERE

THE PEOPLE ARE HIDING,
THEY'LL LET YOU OUT.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

THESE ARE MOTHERS
THEY WANT TO SHIP BACK
TO MEXICO.

I CAN'T HELP THEM
BREAK UP FAMILIES LIKE THAT.

I JUST CAN'T COUGH 'EM UP.

I'M YOUR FAMILY
AND THEY'RE NOT.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

ARE YOU OKAY?

[SIGHS]
YEAH.

I JUST HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN
MONTHS.

I KNOW. BUT WHEN YOU'RE
AT THE HOME RUN SHOW DOWN,

I'LL SEE YOU ON TV, RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU'LL SEE ME.

[SIGHS]

THANK YOU.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOG]

NO, FRIDAY IS
OUR BIG CAR SALES NIGHT,

SO I'M GONNA NEED THE FIELD
ON THURSDAYS.

-NO, RICO, WE'VE ALREADY
TALKED ABOUT THIS.
-HEY!

ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP THERE,
BRO.

-WHAT'S UP, JOEY?
-HEY.

YOU KNOW THAT BAR
IS NOT GONNA TEND ITSELF.

CHECK IT OUT.

HOT OFF THE PRESSES.
BRAND NEW POSTER.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE A JAZZ MAN NOW.

YOU'RE LATE.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE
A GREEN BERET NEXT.

AND THEN MAYBE
A PRIMA BALLERINA.
YOU COULD DO THAT, TOO.

DUDE, I'VE BEEN PLAYING
MUSIC FOR NINE MONTHS.

NINE MONTHS,
AND YOU ALREADY GOT A GIG
AT YOUR DAD'S PLACE. ALL RIGHT!

DUDE, I GOT MY OWN POSTER.

OH, MOTHER OF JESUS.

IS THIS WHAT I SAID YES TO?
THE JOEY DELUCA "SEXPERIENCE"?

"SAXPERIENCE," POP.
SAXPERIENCE.

COME ON, POPS, IT'S GONNA BE
EVEN BIGGER THAN THE TIME
HE WENT TO CLOWN SCHOOL.

REMEMBER THAT?

RICO, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT SOME DEDICATION, JOEY.

WHEN POPS GOES DOWN TO FLORIDA
AND GIVES ME THIS PLACE TO RUN,

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU
HAVE A FREE RIDE, LIKE HE DOES.

IT'S LIVE MUSIC.
IT BRINGS PEOPLE IN, DAD.

WHATEVER. MAYBE YOU COULD
JUST PUT A LITTLE EFFORT
INTO YOUR REAL JOB,

INSTEAD OF ALL THESE
LITTLE HOBBIES
YOU'VE HAD SINCE BASEBALL.

HEY, BASEBALL WASN'T A HOBBY.

-WHAT WAS IT, A CAREER?
-THAT'S COLD.

ADMIRAL, WOULD YOU TURN THAT UP,
PLEASE?

LISTENING TO YOU TWO
IS GIVING ME A HEMORRHOID
IN MY HEAD.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THIS YEAR'S
HOME RUN SHOWDOWN

WILL ONCE AGAIN BE CROWD
PLEASING POWER HITTER
GO GO GONZALEZ.

BUT HERE'S A SURPRISE.

THE RETURN OF TANK TURPINO.

IN HIS LAST TEN GAMES,
THE FORMER HOME RUN KING
HAS BEEN TEARING IT UP.

THESE TWO SLUGGERS
HITTING AGAINST EACH OTHER

HEARKENS BACK
TO THEIR EPIC BATTLES
IN THE EARLY 2000S.

ISN'T TANK TURPINO
A FRIEND OF YOURS?

YEAH, HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

THERE'S ACTUALLY A PICTURE
OF THE THREE OF US

THAT'S BEEN OVER THE BAR
FOR ABOUT 15 YEARS, ADMIRAL.

OH. I NEVER GET DOWN THAT FAR.

[CROWD CHEERING]

STRIKE THREE!

NEXT BATTER.

OKAY, OUTSIDE. LOOK ALIVE NOW.
READY AT THE PLATE.

BAILEY, SHIFT OVER.

HEY, BATTA, BATTA, SWING!

WE USE OUR INSIDE VOICES
ON THE FIELD.

[UMPIRE]
TIME, TIME. COACHES, COACHES!

LISTEN, LET THEM SCORE
THIS ONE RUN,
AND I'M GONNA CALL THE GAME.

-ARE WE IN AGREEMENT?
-YES.

LADIES, BRING IT IN.

OKAY, JUST LET THEM
SCORE ONE RUN,
AND THEN THEY'LL CALL IT.

EXCUSE ME.
WE'LL LET THEM WHAT?

IT'S OKAY. IT'S JUST SO
EVERYBODY CAN FEEL
LIKE WINNERS.

OKAY? LET'S GO.

[SIGHS]

[APPLAUSE]

HERE, THROW THE BALL!

COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GIVE ME THE BALL.

[SCREAMING]
NO!

GIVE ME THE BALL!

[SCREAMS]

OVER HERE, OVER HERE.
COME ON!

[GIRL IN CROWD]
WHAT A BULLY!

[MAN]
IT'S NOT RIGHT.

HEY, STOP.

HONEY, IT'S OKAY.
GO AND STEP ON THE PLATE, OKAY?

WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

HEY, LORENZO,
WANNA PLAY CATCH?

HEY, KID!

THROW IT HERE!

FASSI, THIS IS MY MAN, EUGENE.

THEY CALL ME TANKER.

WHY DID YOU GET CUT?
I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT.

IT'S 'CAUSE OF THAT
COMMISSIONER SIMPSON.

WHEN MY MOM WAS A KID,
SHE PLAYED HARDBALL.

THERE'S A LAW THAT THEY
HAVE TO LET GIRLS PLAY,

FROM RONALD REAGAN
OR ABRAHAM LINCOLN OR SOMETHING.

AT LEAST YOU CAN PLAY SOFTBALL.

NOT ANYMORE I CAN'T.

OUT!

YEP, YOU'RE OUT.

THAT WAS OVER THE LINE.

SHY OF THE LINE.
BALL HAS TO GO COMPLETELY
OUT ON A FLY.

I SAW IT.

TANKER, YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY
SEE EXACTLY WHERE THE BALL HIT

FROM WAY OUT THERE.

BULL. I WAS CLOSER
TO IT THAN YOU.

-YOU'RE WORSE THAN SIMPSON.
-GUYS, CUT IT OUT.

-BASEBALL AIN'T FOR GIRLS.
-BASEBALL AIN'T FOR WIMPS.

-WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A WIMP?
-WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A GIRL?

[LAUGHS]

THIS SUCKS.
THEY SAID WE COULD PLAY
IF THEY GET ANOTHER COACH.

[LORI]
WE'RE GOING TO GET ON A TEAM.

I REALLY AM SENSITIVE
TO THE PERMANENT DAMAGE

THAT MY TEAM COULD INFLICT UPON
THE DELICATE PSYCHES OF THESE
YOUNG KIDS,

SO OF COURSE,
WE KEEP THE TEN RUN RULE.

THANK YOU, RICO,
BECAUSE OUR FIRST PRIORITY

SHOULD BE THE HEALTH
AND SELF-ESTEEM
OF THESE CHILDREN.

OKAY, NEXT UP
IS THE DROPPED
THIRD STRIKE RULE.

AGAIN WITH THE RULES.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
JUST LET THE KIDS PLAY?

GO BACK TO SLEEP, JOEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT RULE
YOU OUGHT TO GET RID OF?

-YOU OUGHT TO GET RID OF...
-THE INFIELD FLY RULE, YEAH.

AGAIN, PLEASE, NO.
EVERY YEAR, SAME THING.

IT'S RUINING THE GAME.

I GOTTA AGREE WITH JOEY
ON THIS ONE.

-WHAT?
-THANK YOU.

LAST YEAR, THE UMPS
WERE CALLING EVERYTHING AN
INFIELD FLY.

SOME OF THE BEST PLAYS
MY KIDS MADE,

THEY DIDN'T COUNT.

Y'ALL MIGHT REMEMBER
THAT I HAD FOUR YEARS
IN THE SHOW?

ODDLY ENOUGH,
I DIDN'T FORGET THAT.

IT'S STRANGE HOW I'M REMINDED
EVERY SINGLE DAY.

IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR BIG LEAGUERS,

IT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH
FOR A BUNCH OF KIDS.

THEN WHY ISN'T THERE
AN INFIELD GROUND BALL RULE?

IT'S JUST AS EASY TO TURN
A DOUBLE ON A GROUNDER.

THAT'S NOT
THE SAME THING AT ALL.

WAIT, WAIT.
STOP, STOP, STOP.

KIDS, WHAT DO YOU GUYS KNOW
ABOUT THE INFIELD FLY RULE?

THE INFIELD FLY RULE
IS FROM, LIKE, 1899.

IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT HOW EASY
IT IS TO MAKE A DOUBLE PLAY.

IT'S BECAUSE THE INFIELDERS
COULD TRICK THE RUNNERS.

TRICKERY IS NO GOOD IN BASEBALL.

AND WHAT ABOUT
THE HIDDEN BALL TRICK?

EXACTLY, WHAT ABOUT
THE HIDDEN BALL TRICK?

OH, AND STEALING SIGNS.

AND THEY'RE STEALING MY WIFE.

THE POINT IS THIS.
KIDS SHOULD LEARN
TO PLAY JUST LIKE IN THE BIGS.

RIGHT, SO THAT MEANS
THEY SHOULD START PLAYING
ONLY IN SEPTEMBER...

AND PLAY FOR CONTRACTS
AND PLAY--

[ALL ARGUING]

CHILDREN, CHILDREN!
STOP IT!

JESUS! I HAVE BEEN HEARING
THIS FOR YEARS.

NOW WE'RE GONNA FIGURE
THIS THING OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL.

LET'S GO IN THE BACK ROOM.
YOU KIDS WANNA HELP?

SURE, LET'S GO!

COME ON!

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

THIS IS NOW HOME PLATE,
ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS FIRST BASE.

THIS IS--
MOVE THIS THING OVER HERE.
THIS IS SECOND.

CLEAR THIS THING OUT.
WE'LL MAKE THIS THIRD BASE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
LORI, RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA BE
MY FIRST BASE RUNNER.

-SWEETHEART?
-FASSI.

FASSI, YOU'RE GONNA PLAY
SECOND BASE.

BIG MAN, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

-TANKER.
-TANKER, YOU'RE GONNA BE
MY SHORT STOP.

SIMPSON, YOU'RE GONNA BE
MY SECOND BASE RUNNER.

-THERE'S NO ROOM HERE FOR--
-OH, PLAY ALONG, COMMANDANT.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
EVERYONE'S GONNA RUN
SLOW MOTION.

OKAY, I JUST NEED A BALL.

-HEAD'S UP!
-GOOD, PERFECT.

NOW, AS THE RULE STANDS,

IF I HIT A POP FLY,
IT GOES FLYING INTO
THE INFIELD, RIGHT?

THE GUY CAN PUT
HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK

AND BOOM, I'M AUTOMATICALLY OUT.
WHAT I'M SAYING

IS WHAT WE SHOULD DO, RIGHT,

IS I TAKE A BIG SWING,
YOU HAVE A HUGE POP FLY,

IT GOES TO MY MAN TANKER
AT SHORT STOP

AND HE HAS A CHOICE.

HE CAN EITHER GO BOOM,
IN THE GLOVE,

OR HE CAN LET IT FALL.

AND THE RUNNERS, RUN! GO!

NO, NOT LITERALLY, SIMPSON.
IT'S SLOW MOTION.

GET BACK THERE!

ALL RIGHT, AND RUNNERS GO.

YOU GRAB THE BALL, TANKER.

HE MAKES AN INCREDIBLE THROW
OVER TO THE THIRD BASEMAN.

[JOEY]
THIRD!

AND YOU ARE OUT!

OW! MY HAMMY.

-YEAH, YOU ALMOST MADE IT.
-OW, THAT HURT.

THIRD BASEMAN HURLS IT BACK
TO THE SECOND BASEMAN

WHILE THE GUY FROM FIRST
IS HUMMING.

IT GOES SCREAMING ACROSS,
SHE GRABS IT,

-YOU'RE OUT!
-I'M SAFE!

-I WAS TOTALLY SAFE!
-[SHOUTING]

AND THAT SHOWS YOU THAT CAN BE
SO MUCH MORE EXCITING

THAN THE GUY AUTOMATICALLY OUT,
WHICH DOESN'T HAPPEN
IN ANY SPORT, ANYWHERE.

THAT'S AWFULLY CUTE,
BUT IT ABSOLUTELY
PROVES NOTHING.

IT PROVES THAT BASEBALL
CAN ACTUALLY BE
A LITTLE EXCITING.

IT JUST PROVES THAT THESE KIDS
CAN'T PLAY
AND SIMPSON CAN'T RUN.

NO, NO, NO. WE CAN PLAY.
ALL WE NEED IS A COACH,

AND I THINK JOEY WOULD BE
A FANTASTIC COACH, DON'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

JOEY CAN DO IT.
HE PLAYED IN THE MINORS.

YEAH, FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

LOOK, DURING HIS FIRST SEASON,

JOEY PUNCHED OUT
A FELLOW TEAMMATE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
WHATSOEVER.

SO IMAGINE WHAT HE'S GONNA DO
TO YOU GUYS THE FIRST TIME
YOU MISS A TAG.

GYUUU!

ALL RIGHT, KID,
I CANNOT COACH A BASEBALL TEAM.

HEY, MORON, COACH 'EM.

WHAT?

COMMODORE, CAN YOU
USE ANOTHER TEAM?

IF WE FIELD SIX TEAMS,
WE COULD QUALIFY

FOR FEDERAL STIMULUS
MATCHING FUNDS.

PROVIDED OF COURSE THAT WE HAVE
A ROSTER OF AT LEAST FIFTEEN--

THAT'S INTERESTING.

-YEAH.
-NO, REALLY.

NO. STOP.

OKAY, JOEY...

YOU'RE GONNA BE COACHING
THESE KIDS.

[LAUGHS QUIETLY]

POP, I DON'T WANT
TO COACH THESE KIDS.

I'M NOT ASKING.
YOU WANT ROOM AND BOARD,
THIS IS YOUR NEW JOB.

[LAUGHS]

IF YOU THINK THIS IS GONNA
REKINDLE MY LOVE FOR BASEBALL
OR SOMETHING,

LIKE, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL SUSPEND
THE INFIELD FLY RULE
JUST FOR YOU.

-CAPISCE, COMMISH?
-NO.

-I'M PAYING.
-DONE.

NIFTY. OKAY, KIDS,
YOU'RE PLAYING
FOR BIG AL'S TEAM!

[CHEERING]

YES, COOL!

NOW WE NEED
HOW MANY MORE PLAYERS?

[EXCITED CHATTER]

WHY THE UNIFORM?
IT'S ONLY PRACTICE?

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS HALFWAY.

I WANNA KNOW HOW IT'S GONNA FEEL
WHEN WE WIN THIS WHOLE THING.

RICO'S RED SOX ARE REALLY GOOD.

WE'RE GOING TO BE BETTER.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY JOEY COACHED
THAT INFIELD FLY RULE THING?

HE'S GONNA MAKE US
INTO A WINNING TEAM.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

[SNORING]

MR. DELUCA.

-JOEY!
-YEAH...

-YEAH.
-IT'S PRACTICE.

-YEAH.
-AND YOU'RE THE COACH.

OH, YEAH.
OKAY, GET OUT THERE AND...

YOU KNOW,
WATCH THE BAD HOPS.

THE FIELD ISN'T GROOMED SO HOT.

AND THEN, I DON'T KNOW,
LET'S GO PLAY SOME BASEBALL.

GO ON. PLAY.
GET OUT OF HERE.

[KIDS COMPLAINING]
LET'S GO PLAY.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE
WITH THE BASEBALL,
PLAY-- I DON'T KNOW.

PLAY SOMETHING ELSE.

WHO WANTS TO BAT?

NO, NO, NO.
EVERYBODY CAN'T BAT AT ONCE.

I GOT IT!

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

♪♪ [SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

COACH! WE'RE PLAYING BALL HERE.

I WANNA BAT.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-MY TURN.

MAYBE IF YOU COULD CATCH
THE BALL,
I'D LET YOU BAT.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-MY TURN TO BAT.

-GET BACK ON THE FIELD.
-MAKE ME.

[BOYS CHANTING]
FIGHT, FIGHT!

[FLATULENCE]

DAMN GEESE. CLEAR THE CAGE,
YOU GUYS, GO ON.

THIS TEAM BLOWS CHUNKS.

TAKE YOUR CRAP, LOSER.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD PRACTICE,
GOOD PRACTICE!

WHEN WE GOTTA BE
BACK HERE AGAIN?

GUYS?

[KID]
IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME.

GREAT.

THESE KIDS HAVE BEEN PLAYING
VIDEO GAMES THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

IRAQ WAS CONQUERED
IN THREE WEEKS BY KIDS

WHO PLAYED VIDEO GAMES
THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

THEY VOLUNTEERED.
I WAS DRAFTED.

YOU EVER PLAY BASEBALL?

BASEBALL. I'D RATHER HAVE
A SPORT WHERE
YOU NEVER STOP RUNNING.

BASEBALL, YOU NEVER START.

HOW ABOUT IF YOU PLAY
FOR THE CUBS,
WE'LL PLAY FOR THE JAGUARS.

I'VE SEEN YOUR GAME, LORI.
NO THANKS.

YOU GUYS HAVE A GIRL
ON YOUR TEAM.
NO WONDER YOU NEED US.

YOU CAN FEEL THAT
ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.

COME ON.
IT'LL BE SUPER AWESOME.

AND HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN GET
THE GIRL TO PLAY FOR YOU.

♪♪ [SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

SO STUPID.

EVERY SINGLE TIME
I DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

I'M LIKE IN THE HOLE NOW
FOR, LIKE, 50 BUCKS...

[CONTINUES MUTTERING]

THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, MICHELLE.

WHY ARE YOU TRYING
TO KILL MY SON?

I'M NOT TRYING TO KILL YOUR SON.

DO YOU KNOW THAT CHILD ATHLETES
ARE 78% MORE LIKELY
TO GET INJURED

WHEN THEY HAVE A COACH
THAT DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT,
BUT NOW I DO, THANK YOU.

EUGENE TOLD ME YOU DON'T
HAVE HIM WEARING HIS PADS.

WELL, IN GENERAL...

INFIELDERS,
THEY DON'T WEAR PADS.

A KID LIKE TANKER
IS GENERALLY BEHIND
THE PLATE WITH LOTS OF PADS.

SO HE'LL CROUCH DOWN ALL DAY
AND GET DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS?

[LAUGHS]

SORRY, DID YOU SAY
DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS?

THAT'S FUNNY.

OKAY, LOOK.
MY LIFE COACH SAYS

THAT HE HAS TO TAKE RISKS
IN ORDER TO GROW.

BUT HOW'S HE GOING TO GROW
IF YOU'RE NOT PROTECTING HIM?

HE'S NOT GONNA GET HURT.

MICHELLE, IT'S BASEBALL.

NOBODY EVER GETS HURT PLAYING
BASEBALL, I PROMISE.

I THINK YOU'LL END UP
DISAPPOINTING ME.

AT THIS POINT WITH WOMEN
MY ENTIRE LIFE,

I'D BE SHOCKED IF THIS
WAS THE FIRST TIME I DIDN'T.

ESPECIALLY THE PRETTY ONES.

[CHATTER, GAME NOISE]

WELCOME BACK,
TODAY FOR THE ONLY PODCAST

COVERING DIVISION "A"
OAKLAND YOUTH LEAGUE BASEBALL.

FELICIA, THE CUBS REALLY NEED
TO GET A RALLY STARTED.

I KNOW THAT, DAVE,
BUT IT LOOKS BAD
FOR THE HOMETOWN TEAM.

STRIKE THREE!
YOU'RE OUT.

[DAVE]
AND ANOTHER CUBS
HITTER GOES DOWN.

THIS GAME COULDN'T BE MORE
OUT OF REACH IF IT WAS
ON THE MOON.

FINALLY, SOME SIGNS OF LIFE
FROM THE CUBS.

IF CARTER CAN MAKE
SOMETHING HAPPEN HERE,

WE MIGHT HAVE A BALL GAME.

AND FASSI MAKES A BREAK FOR IT.

OH, NO. SHE'S FALLING
FOR THE FAKE.

IT'S A RUN-DOWN!

CLASSIC PLAY!

YOU'RE OUT!

-OH, MAN!
-SHE WAS SAFE.

AND FASSI EATS THE DIRT
FOR NOTHING.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LIFT YOUR SKIRT
AND MAKE A REAL CALL!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

GO BACK TO WHERE THEY FOUND YOU,
SLEEPING IN YOUR CAR!

BAD BASERUNNING BY MY....

SSSSSSS....

FFFFFF....

MY... FFFSISTER FASSI.

ALL RIGHT. WHO WANTS
TO GIVE PITCHING
A SHOT THIS INNING?

ALL RIGHT,
WHO WANTS TO PITCH?

LET'S RALLY.

YOU'RE DOWN TEN RUNS
FOR A FULL INNING.
THE GAME'S CALLED.

IT'S IN THE RULEBOOK.

AT LEAST IN GIRL'S SOFTBALL,
THEY LET YOU SCORE ONE RUN,

SO YOU DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

IT'S OVER?

BASED ON TODAY'S GAME,

WE'RE ON A PACE
TO NOT WIN A GAME
FOR THE NEXT 812 YEARS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WE STILL GET PIZZA!

PIZZA?

-TEN TO NOTHING?
-YEAH.

THEY STOPPED THE GAME, I HOPE.

YEAH, FINALLY.

GOOD.

THE OTHER TEAM MUST
HAVE FELT REALLY BAD

WITH YOU BEATING THEM LIKE THAT.

THEY DID.

WHO PLAYS SOFTBALL LIKE THAT?
[LAUGHING]

IS THAT LIKE BASEBALL?

[LAUGHING]

WHO IS SHE, T?

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU BONEHEADS
LAUGHING AT?

THIS VIDEO ROUNDUP
WOULD NOT BE COMPLETE

WITHOUT SEEING ONCE AGAIN
THE PSYCHOTICALLY
COMPETITIVE TINY DIVA

PEOPLE ARE CALLING
HURRICANE PHYLLIS.

THIS GIRL HAS SOME
SERIOUS ISSUES TO WORK ON.

I HOPE HER PARENTS
ARE DOUBLING HER MEDS

AND THAT IF SHE SNAPS AGAIN,
IT'S NOT WHEN SHE'S BATTING.

MARY, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU HAVE 30 YEARS OF FEMINISM

TELLING GIRLS THEY HAVE
TO BE EXACTLY LIKE BOYS.

[BOY]
IT'S OKAY, IT HAPPENS
TO THE BEST OF US.

LOOK HOW CLEAN
THE WHOLE PLACE WOULD LOOK.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS A LITTLE MORE
BAUHAUS THAN I WAS THINKING.

POP, THIS WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
IS TURNING AROUND,

AND THERE MAY BE SOME PEOPLE
OUT THERE UNDER THE AGE
OF 100...

-OH!
-WHO MAY NOT WANT TO SIT AROUND

WITH SOME OLD FARTS ALL DAY
LISTENING TO THE CARPENTERS

AND REMINISCING
ABOUT FRIGGIN' SPARKY ANDERSON.

I KNOW, THE PLACE NEEDS
A LITTLE-- I DON'T KNOW,

BOTOX, BUT...

VODKA PLACE
WITH FONDUE AND FUSION?

FONDUE PLACE WITH VODKA
INFUSIONS.

RIGHT, MY BAD. ADMIRAL, DOES
THIS SOUND LIKE US?

REALLY? FONDUE?
PEACH VODKA?

I JUST CAN'T LEAVE THE ADMIRAL
WITH NO PLACE TO GO.

HE'D END UP SLEEPING
IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY
LIKE A COMMON VAGRANT.

WELL, POP, I'M THE ONE
TAKING THIS PLACE OVER AND I
DON'T HEAR ANY OTHER IDEAS.

HMMMM....

NO. WHAT ABOUT YOU, JOEY,
YOU GOT ANY?

FOR-- FOR RICO'S BAR?

NOT SO MUCH.

[SCOFFS]

BUT IF IT WAS JOEY'S BAR?

I'D GO RETRO.

WHAT IS EVERYONE
OUT THERE LOOKING FOR?

THESE YUPPIES,
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR
AUTHENTICITY.

RIGHT? THEY GET INTO WHATEVER.

THE DALAI LAMA OR KABBALAH,
LOOKING TO FIND THAT THING.

WE CAN GIVE THAT
TO THEM RIGHT HERE.

YOU DON'T THINK THEY'LL GO
TO AN OLD SCHOOL BASEBALL JOINT?

I SAY THEY'LL GO TO BIG AL'S
BECAUSE IT'S AN OLD SCHOOL
BASEBALL JOINT.

WHAT DO YOU GOT IN MIND?

I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD KNOW

THAT YOU HAVE THE SINGLE LARGEST
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL COLLECTION

IN THE DETROIT METRO AREA?

I DO.

WHO CARES?

I DO.

WELL, I CARE A LITTLE BIT, TOO,

BUT WHO ELSE CARES?

I DO.

WE HAVE THE WORST TEAM
IN THE WORLD.

WE'RE NOT THAT BAD.

IN 1899, THE CLEVELAND SPIDERS
ONLY WON 20 GAMES

OUT OF 154 GAMES.

YEAH, WELL AT LEAST
THEY WON ONE.

WELL, WHAT CAN WE DO,
SERIOUSLY?

I DON'T KNOW.

-OOOHHH.
-OH, MAN.

OH, CRAP!

HEY, YOU!

GET OVER HERE!

AND I SEE YOUR
LITTLE FRIENDS, TOO.

WHAT FRIENDS?

THE FAT KID
AND THE SKINNY GIRL, YEAH.

WHO?

HEY, YOU'RE TALKING YOURSELF
INTO MORE TROUBLE, SON.

NOW WHERE'S YOUR AUNT?

SHE'S PICKING UP
MY FATHER AT THE AIRPORT.

YOU'RE LYING, LORENZO.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

HE'S IN PRISON
FOR HELPING ILLEGAL ALIENS.

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE HIM
THAT ARE RUINING THIS COUNTRY.

HEY! GET BACK HERE!

HEY, I SEE YOU TWO.
DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME!

HELLO!

-HEY, BIG GUY.
-LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT DO YOU CARE?

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE AT
THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN
SO MY DAD COULD SEE ME.

HE'S GONNA SEE YOU.
HE'S JUST GETTING
BACK INTO TOWN.

NO, HE WON'T BE BACK.
MY DAD'S IN PRISON.

JUST GO BACK
TO YOUR MEAT LOCKER.

[SIGHS]

[CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, DASH.
LET'S GO.

OH, THIS IS EASY.

IT'S TOO EASY.

LET'S GO, BUDDY.

GOOD ONE, DASH!

GOOD ONE!

ONE MORE STRIKE.
LET'S GO, DASH!

[UMPIRE]
YOU'RE OUT!

CUBS TRAIL THE BLUE JAYS.
4-0 WITH TWO OUTS

IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH.

WE'RE NOW ONE OUT AWAY
FROM SHUTTING OUT THE LAST PLACE
CUBS.

TANK, LISTEN.
YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU GOTTA GO OUT
AND GET A START.

-NOBODY CAN HIT THIS GUY.
-NO, LISTEN...

YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU GOT THIS, OKAY? LET'S GO.

YOU GOT THIS.
WOO!

LET'S DO THIS.
YOU GOT IT.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS
SO SCARED OF THIS PITCHER?

THAT'S JOHN DASH.
HE'S GOT THE FASTEST PITCH
IN THE LEAGUE.

MORE LIKE THE WILDEST PITCH
IN THE LEAGUE.

IF YOU GUYS STOPPED SWINGING,
WE'D HAVE BEEN HOME
TWO INNINGS AGO.

[SPITS]

SO I SHOULD WHAT, HUH?

TELL YOUR MAN
TO STOP SWINGING.

[SHOUTS]
SWING AWAY!

[UMPIRE]
STRIKE!

WOO.

TIME OUT, BLUE!

TIME!

TANK, COME HERE.

-HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
-GOOD.

-YOU HAVING FUN?
-YEAH.

GOOD, LISTEN CLOSELY.

YOU KNOW THOSE STORIES
ABOUT THE KID

THAT GOES THROUGH THE SHORTCUT
IN THE WOODS,

OR GOES UNDER THE UNDERPASS
AND NEVER COMES UP
THE OTHER SIDE?

AND THEN THE MOM,
SHE GOES ON TV

AND SHE'S CRYING, SHE SAYS,
"I WANT MY TANKER.
WHERE'S MY TANKER?"

BLAH, BLAHDY BLOOP.
THEY DON'T FIND THE BODY
FOR YEARS,

AND BY THAT TIME,
THERE'S NO WAY
THE CSI INVESTIGATORS

COULD EVEN IMAGINE
ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS
THAT HAPPENED TO THAT KID,

BURIED IN THE CELLAR,

DEEP, DARK CELLAR
WHERE NO HUMAN BEING COULD

EVER HEAR THE CRYING SCREAMS
OF THAT CHILD.

YOU KNOW THOSE STORIES?

OKAY, DON'T SWING AT ANOTHER
PITCH.

CAPISCE?

GOOD. HAVE FUN.

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

MUST BE SOME INSPIRING WORDS
FROM COACH JOEY DELUCA.

NOPE, BALL ONE.

[FASSI]
YEAH! WOO!

YOU GOT THIS, TANKER.

BALL TWO.

YEAH!

HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO, COME ON!

[BALL IN GLOVE]

YEAH, ONE MORE, ONE MORE!

YEAH!
[CHEERING]

BALL FOUR!

-TAKE YOUR BASE.
-COME ON, EUGENE!

[CHEERING]

THERE GOES HIS PERFECT GAME.

-BALL ONE!
-[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

BALL FOUR!
TAKE YOUR BASE.

DO THIS. LET'S GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO CUBS!

[FASSI]
HERE WE GO. YOU GOT THIS.
COME ON!

LET'S GO, DASH!

WOO!

THE WINNING RUN IS ON DECK.

LOOKS LIKE DASH HAS HAD IT.

TIME OUT.

TIME!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

-COME ON, MAN.
-COACH.

I'VE ONLY GOT
ONE MORE PLAYER LEFT.

AND THAT'S TIM.

COACH, YOU GOTTA FIELD NINE.

DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

WELL, DAVE,
WE HAVE A GOOD ONE.

NOW THAT THE CUBS
HAVE WORN OUT DASH'S ARM,

THE SHORTSTOP IS NOW PITCHING.

THE CENTERFIELD
HAS BEEN PULLED TO TAKE SHORT.

AND AN INTERESTING TACTICAL
MANEUVER.

TIMMY HAS BEEN PUT IN RIGHT
FIELD.

THE BLUE JAYS ARE ONE OUT AWAY
FROM WINNING THIS GAME.

DAVE, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW A CROWD THIS EXCITED?

THE WIGGLES.

[COACH]
PICK IT UP. PICK THE BALL UP!

[TEAM CHEERS]

IN-THE-PARK, STAND-UP,
GRAND SLAM HOME RUN!

[CHEERING]

IT'S SO RIDICULOUS.
IT'S A RIDICULOUS THING.

WE'RE ONE AND THREE.

IF WE KEEP WINNING LIKE THIS,
WE CAN MAKE IT TO THIRD PLACE.

BETTER HOPE WE DON'T KEEP
WINNING LIKE THIS.

YEAH, WE HEARD ABOUT THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TRY
TO NOT SWING
AGAINST US NEXT WEEK?

SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

OH, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING
SPECIAL PLANNED
FOR YOU NEXT WEEK.

SOMETHING REAL NICE
FOR THE RED SOX.

RIGHT, GUYS?

WHAT?

OKAY.

NEXT WEEK,
WE ARE ABSOLUTELY GOING
TO DESTROY YOU.

I THINK YOU MISSED
A FEW LETTERS ON YOUR UNIFORMS.

SHOULDN'T THAT READ "SCRUBS"?

HEY, HEY, HEY.
IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY.

HEY, GUYS, COME OVER HERE.
BELLY UP TO THE BAR. I'M BUYING.

-CONGRATULATIONS!
-ON THE HOUSE.

ON THE HOUSE.

-LOOK AT THAT PIC.
-WHOA.

TANK TURPINO!

-POPS.
-SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL
WITH THIRD PLACE?

IF WE'RE ONE
OF THE TOP THREE TEAMS,

WE GET TO FIELD BALLS
AT THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN.

OH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU GUYS ARE AFTER,
THE SHOWDOWN.

-YEAH!
-I DON'T REALLY CARE.

THE SHOWDOWN ISN'T REAL
BASEBALL.

IT'S JUST A BUNCH
OF PITUITARY CASES

SHOWING OFF
FOR THE PEANUT MUNCHERS.

SMART KID.

BUT WE'RE A TEAM,
SO IF LORI WANTS TO GO, I'LL GO.

-THANKS.
-WELL, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

HEY, GUYS,
CONGRATULATIONS!

-WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, EUGENE?
-NOTHING.

DON'T WORRY,
IT'S JUST GINGER ALE.

FAMILY RESTAURANT.

[LAUGHS]
IS JOEY AROUND?

[BOYS TOGETHER]
HE'S IN THE MEAT LOCKER.

-THE MEAT LOCKER.
-HE'S IN THE BACK ROOM.

OKAY.

[SNIFFS AND GRUNTS]

-[KNOCKS]
-HEY.

I-- I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WAS-- I WAS HERE.

I WAS PAINTING.
I LIKE TO PAINT SOMETIMES.

I COME DOWN HERE.

I JUST-- I WANTED
TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE OTHER DAY.

OH, PLEASE,
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

NO, I WAS RUDE,
AND I'M SORRY.

OH, I MEAN... PFFT.

AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE,

I DON'T REALLY CARE
WHAT PEOPLE--
WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME

OR... WHATEVER.

EUGENE IS REALLY EXCITED
AND I THINK YOU DID A GREAT JOB
WITH THE KIDS TODAY.

I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE
WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

I CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

I MEAN, I CARE-- I CARE...

ABOUT WHAT MY BROTHER THINKS,

BUT IN GENERAL,
I CARE WHAT YOU--

I SHOULD GO.

PLEASE DON'T GO.

OKAY, KIDS,
GET IN THE CAR.

I JUST REALLY, UM...

I SHOULDA ASKED HER OUT.

YOUR SWEATER'S ON BACKWARDS,
YOU MORON.

OOOH, NO.

NO, MY... NO.

-HE'S A TRENDSETTER.
-OH, MY GOODNESS.

[CHEERING]

LET'S GO, BOBBY.
LET'S GO, SOX.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

THIS SOX TEAM WITH
TWO RUNNERS ON.

THE CUBS LOOKING TO GET
THEIR SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON.

-I GOT IT!
-INFIELD FLY RULE!

THERE IS NO INFIELD FLY RULE.

OH, HE LETS THE BALL DROP.

ONE OUT,
TWO OUTS, THREE OUTS!

TRIPLE PLAY!
TRIPLE PLAY!

[CHEERING]

THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER, MAN.

THEY ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING.

BRING IT ON!

HOLD THE PHONE.
NOBODY SAW THIS COMING.

THE CUBS HAVE TAKEN THIS GAME
RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE.

HOLY MACKEREL!

[CHEERING]

TIME, BLUE, TIME!

IS THIS GOING TO BE
A PITCHING CHANGE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

THE CUBS ARE RALLYING
BUT BOBBY IS PITCHING WELL.

HEY, TANK.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

GOOD.

-HOW YOU FEELING?
-GOOD.

GOOD. YOU KNOW I THINK
YOUR MOM'S CUTE, RIGHT?

TOO BAD. SHE DOESN'T THINK
YOU'RE CUTE.

OKAY, GOOD.

I WANT YOU TO BEAN THIS KID.

-BUT I CAN STRIKE HIM OUT.
-NO, NO.

I WANT YOU TO HIT HIM.

-DON'T CROWD THE PLATE.
-ALL RIGHT.

I WANT TO KEEP THIS GUY SCARED,
AND WE HAVE AN OPEN BAG
AT FIRST.

ALL RIGHT? COME ON, BLUE.
WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?

RICO, YOU'RE
BURNING UP DAYLIGHT!

JUST A SECOND, BLUE!

HE'S A BIG TARGET, OKAY?

SO KEEP IT LOW,
HIT HIM IN HIS FAT ASS,

WE'RE GONNA FORCE
A NEW PLATE, OKAY?

OKAY.

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

OH!

BOBBY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BOBBY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-YOU OKAY, SON?
-HEY, DID YOU CALL THAT?

-I DIDN'T CALL THAT.
-YOUR KID HIT MY KID
IN THE FACE.

[SHOUTING]

[UMPIRE]
BREAK IT UP!

HEY, HEY, THAT'S IT,
JOEY, YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

[SHOUTING]

THAT'S IT. GAME'S OVER.
RED SOX WIN!

[CUBS SHOUTING]

GET BACK IN THE DUGOUT!
YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.

GET OUT OF HERE, JOEY.

-DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE?
-NO, I DIDN'T.

-THAT GOT AWAY FROM YOU.
-YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE.
HERE WE GO.

"WIN" ON THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, WIN!
THAT'S IT.

GET BACK IN THE DUGOUT!

[SHOUTING]

-JOEY!
-I QUIT.

-WHAT?
-THESE KIDS ARE BETTER OFF
WITHOUT ME, POP.

THERE IT IS, FINALLY,
CAN I GO?

STOP IT!

GOD, YOU GUYS
ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT.
WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?

YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING
TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.

HE QUITS EVERYTHING.

YOU HIT A KID,
MY KID, IN THE FACE--

[SHOUTING]

STOP IT!

I'VE HAD IT WITH BOTH OF YOU.

JESUS! GOD, YOU'RE FIGHTING
OVER NOTHING.

YOU WANT TO FIGHT
OVER SOMETHING THAT'S
WORTHWHILE?

-HUH?
-LIKE WHAT?

HE'S GOT NOTHING
WORTH FIGHTING OVER.

LIKE, IF YOUR KIDS BEAT
HIS KIDS...

-I'LL GIVE BIG AL'S TO YOU.
-WHAT?

-WHAT?
-YEAH, I CAN GIVE IT
TO WHOEVER I WANT.

I OWN IT FREE AND CLEAR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOU WANT TO OWN
A REAL BASEBALL BAR

AND SHOVE THOSE VODKA INFUSIONS
UP HIS YOU-KNOW-WHAT?

HELL YEAH.

-OKAY.
-YEAH, YOU'RE ON!

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

-WHAT?
-MY KIDS JUST BEAT HIS KIDS,

AND EVEN IF THEY DO WIN,
WHICH THEY WON'T,

THEN WE'RE ONE AND ONE.
THAT'S A TIE, POP.

YEAH, BUT THE TOP THREE TEAMS
GO TO THE SHOWDOWN, RIGHT?

YEAH.

THEY'D HAVE TO WIN
EVERY SINGLE GAME
FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON,

AND THEN BEAT US,
TO EVEN MAKE THE SHOWDOWN.

-WE CAN DO IT.
-YEAH?

-OH, COME--
-WE CAN DO IT!

HEY, SHUT UP.
WHEN YOU GUYS ARE
AT THE SHOWDOWN...

WHICHEVER TEAM SHAGS
THE MOST BALLS FOR MY COLLECTION

WINS.

[LAUGHS]
OKAY, GREAT, SURE.

-YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN DO IT,
DO YOU?
-NO.

NO, NO WAY.
CAN I GO?

[LAUGHS]

WHY DO YOU GUYS
HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH?
I DON'T GET IT.

[CAR STARTS]

BETTER GET TO WORK, COACH.

YOU GOTTA GET IN THE MITT.

OH, HEY, MICHELLE, LOOK...

DO NOT EVEN START WITH ME.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I
LISTEN TO YOU.

OKAY, I LIED WHEN I SAID
PEOPLE NEVER GET HURT
PLAYING BASEBALL.

BUT HE JUST GOT DINGED.

-HE GOT DINGED?
-YEAH, IT'S A DING.

DID THE DOCTOR REALLY WANT
TO PUT THE X ON YOUR FACE?
IT LOOKS WEIRD.

YEAH, MOM, AND SHE SAID
THAT MY TEETH ONLY GOT LOOSENED.

I SHOULDA GOT OUT OF THE WAY.

IT'S REALLY MY FAULT.

IT'S HIS FAULT.
HE SHOULDA GOT OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF MY WAY.
DING!

JOEY BLEW THE GAME.
WE COULD HAVE WON.

COME ON, YOU GOTTA FIGHT
AT THAT POINT.

TANKER GOT PRACTICALLY KILLED.

MAN, JUST FOR A SECOND,
IT LOOKED LIKE HE MIGHT ACTUALLY
BE ABLE TO BEAT RICO UP.

OH, WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN
AMAZING?

[KNOCKS]

HEY, I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY

AND CHECK ON TANKER.
SEE HOW HE'S DOING.

HE'S BETTER.

GOOD. I WAS SCARED.

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU WERE SCARED,
BUT...

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I WAS SCARED, TOO.

AND HE'S BETTER,
SO I'LL JUST...

I'LL JUST HEAD BACK
TO THE MEAT LOCKER.

OKAY?

IF HE'S BETTER, THOUGH,

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'LL
LET HIM COME BACK
TO PRACTICE ON TUESDAY.

OH, MY GOD.

[TRILLS LIPS]

ALL I WANT YOU TO DO
IS SLAP IT OUT THERE,
ALL RIGHT?

SMALL BALL.
YOU JUST PUT IT IN PLAY.

SMALL BALL, SMALL BALL,
SMALL BALL.

WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE,
YOU.... OUT THERE.

GOAL!

A BUNCH OF GOALS
AND YOU WIN THE GAME.

-HEY, GO GET YOUR MAN!
-TANKER!

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- HI.

I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE.

BUT I'M TRUSTING YOU.

THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT?

-RIGHT?
-NO.

DO YOU WANT
TO GO OUT SATURDAY NIGHT?

COME ON!

I'LL BORROW MY DAD'S CAR.

HEY, COACH,
PUT YOUR EYES BACK IN YOUR HEAD.

CARTER.

SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT IS CALLED THROWING
SALT INTO A MAN'S GAME.

DIDN'T YOU SEE I WAS FLIRTING
WITH TANKER'S MOM?

COME ON, DON'T BE SCARED.
GET UNDERNEATH IT!

I GOT IT,
I GOT IT, I GOT IT!

SORRY, ARE THEY ALMOST DONE?

I GOT A SHIFT STARTING
IN AN HOUR,

AND MY CAR'S IN THE SHOP,
AND I HAVE TO TAKE,
LIKE, THREE BUSES.

[LAUGHS]
YEAH, I THINK THEY'RE
JUST ABOUT DONE.

WHICH ONE IS YOURS?

WELL, NONE OF THEM, REALLY,

BUT THAT ONE'S MY NEPHEW,
LORI MOORE.

OH, I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED
A LITTLE BIT TOO YOUNG
TO BE HIS MOM.

OH. YEAH.

LORI, HE'S GREAT.
HE'S THE HEART
AND SOUL OF THEIR TEAM.

-I'M RICO.
-JANIE.

-NICE TO MEET YOU.
-NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEADS UP!

OPEN YOUR MITT!

MINE, MINE,
MINE, MINE!

HEY, LORI.
THERE'S PLENTY OF BALLS
TO GO AROUND.

CHILL OUT!

SO YEAH, THAT'S THE STORY.

AND HE'S KILLING HIMSELF
JUST SO HIS DAD
CAN SEE HIM IN THE SHOWDOWN.

I KNOW IT'S POLITICALLY
INCORRECT AND ALL, BUT I...

SORT OF AGREE WITH YOUR BROTHER.

REALLY.

YEAH, I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE
ARE JUST TRYING TO COME HERE

TO MAKE A LIVING.
GOD BLESS 'EM.

YEAH, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,
BUT NOW I GOT A KID TO FEED.

AND I CAN BARELY FEED MYSELF.

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU OUT.

BOTH OF YOU.

DELUCA, TURN THAT MACHINE OFF!

COMMISSIONER, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

...IMPROPER USE OF CITY
PROPERTY.

THAT IS A PITCHING MACHINE,
NOT A FLY BALL MACHINE.

I SEE YOU, TOO!

HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS?
I'M SORRY.

SORRY. LOOK OUT!
HEADS UP!

LOOK ALIVE, COMMISSIONER!

OKAY. BYE-BYE!

LOOK OUT.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH FUN.
BACK TO PRACTICE.

HERE YOU GO!

HEADS UP!

[FELICIA]
IT'S A CAN OF CORN FOR THE
RIGHT FIELDER.

I GOT IT, I GOT IT!

OH, LORI MOORE STEALS IT!

[CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

[CHEERING]

GOOD GAME, COACH.

HOO, HOO, HOO!

HEY, YOUR TEAM JUST WON.
YOU GONNA GET OUT THERE
AND CELEBRATE?

I DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING.

YOU TOOK ME OUT OF THE GAME.

YEAH, BECAUSE YOU WERE
BIG TIMING.

I TOLD YOU
IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT,
I WAS GONNA BENCH YOU, RIGHT?

BUT WE HAVE TO WIN NOW!

IF WE LOSE ONE MORE GAME,
WE'RE OUT OF THE SHOWDOWN.

WIN OR LOSE,
WE DO IT LIKE A TEAM.

YOU DO IT AGAIN,
YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM.

AM I CLEAR?

LET'S GO.
GOOD THROW, POPPY.

GOOD GAME, BREWERS.
GOOD GAME, BREWERS.

CAN'T CALL THEM
THE SCRUBS ANYMORE.

THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE!

THE CUBS HAVE "MURDALIZED"
EVERYONE IN THE LAST HALF
OF THE SEASON.

[LAUGHS]
FIRST OF ALL, I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT IT'S A REAL HONOR
TO BE ON DAVE'S POD-- PODCAST.

THE DAVE
AND FELICIA LEE PODCAST.

OH, I'M SORRY.
MY BAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CHANCES
OF GETTING TO THE BIG SHOW ARE?

THE KIDS ARE WORKING HARD,
AND WE HAVE A VERY STRONG
FAN BASE,

SO THEY SHOULD BE ABLE
TO GO ALL THE WAY.

-GO CUBS!
-THANK YOU, BIG AL.

I JUST WANT TO SAY
TO ALL YOUR LISTENERS OUT THERE

THAT EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT
AT BIG AL'S BAR AND GRILL,

WE HAVE A FAMILY NIGHT.

KIDS EAT FOR FREE.
BOTTOMLESS PASTA BOWL.
THANK YOU.

[JOEY LAUGHING]
THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

I THINK PEOPLE
REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT.

-OKAY.
-OKAY, HERE WE GO.

THREE, TWO, ONE, GO. YES!

THAT WAS EASY.

HEY. NO, I GOT IT.

HEY.

HEY.

LISTEN.

THAT WAS A GOOD CATCH TODAY,
BUT BEING THE BEST PLAYER
ON THE TEAM

DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU
MAKE EVERY CATCH,
OR SCORE EVERY RUN

OR YOU PITCH EVERY PITCH.

IT'S ABOUT MAKING THEM BETTER.

SO NOW YOU CARE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
"NOW I CARE"?

BEFORE, YOU JUST WANTED
TO GET OUT OF THIS.

NOW THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT
FOR YOU,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU START ACTING
LIKE A REAL COACH.

IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

RIGHT?

I WANT TO GET
TO THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN.

AND I'M GONNA DO
WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

HEY, HEY, LORI. GREAT JOB
OUT THERE TODAY, BUDDY.

WAY TO GET AFTER THAT BALL.

JUST TRYING TO GET
TO THE SHOWDOWN.

WELL, WE'VE ALREADY
CLINCHED FIRST PLACE,
AND WE'RE GOING TO THE SHOWDOWN.

THAT'S ALL THESE GUYS
CAN TALK ABOUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, RICO?

I'M JUST TAKING MY KIDS
TO GET SOME PIZZA.

AND THEN THE MOVIES,
AND THEN SOME ICE CREAM.

BUT HEY, BOILED HOT DOGS
ON THE LAWN, PRETTY NICE, TOO.

[LAUGHS]

YEAH,
IT'S A LITTLE VICTORY PARTY.

YEAH, I HEARD.
CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE IT UP,
BRO?

I MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WILLING
TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN.

AND YOU AIN'T GONNA START NOW.

SAY GOODBYE, KIDS.

BYE, SCRUBS!

[HONKS HORN]

[SHOUTING]
ADIOS!

CLASSY.

NO, IT WASN'T JUST BASEBALL.

WE COMPETED OVER EVERYTHING.

WE COMPETED OVER GRADES,
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS,
WHO RAN FASTER,

YOU KNOW, GIRLS.
IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

OH, LUCKY GIRLS.

WELL....

HOW COME YOU STILL FIGHT
WITH YOUR BROTHER LIKE
A 12-YEAR-OLD?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I WISH IT WAS
LIKE IT USED TO BE.

AND WE WERE BEST FRIENDS. WE---

IN BASEBALL,
WE BATTED ONE AND TWO.

WE WERE ALWAYS ON THE SAME TEAM.
IT WAS GREAT.

THEN AT SOME POINT,
IT WAS JUST...

I DON'T KNOW.
SO TELL ME ABOUT YOU.

[SCOFFS]
THAT'S A LITTLE
OUT OF LEFT FIELD.

NO, IT'S JUST WHY AM I TALKING
ABOUT MY KNUCKLEHEADED BROTHER

WHEN I AM SITTING ACROSS FROM...

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
THAT'S SILLY.

I BET YOU COULD PATCH THINGS
UP WITH YOUR BROTHER,
IF YOU JUST REACH OUT.

YEAH.

MAYBE.

I'M REALLY GLAD
EUGENE IS ON YOUR TEAM.

REALLY? WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD
CARDIOVASCULAR WORKOUT.

OH, IT'S A GOOD
CARDIOVASCULAR WORKOUT, IS IT?

WHY ELSE?

HE'S LEARNING THE VALUE
AND IMPORTANCE OF TEAMWORK.

TEAMWORK, VERY IMPORTANT.
WHY ELSE?

AND IF YOU SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT THROMBOSIS OR SOMETHING,

I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE.

I JUST LIKE YOU
BEING IN OUR LIVES.

YOU DO.

-AS A COACH.
-AS A COACH.

-JUST A COACH.
-JUST A COACH.

SO I SAID, "OKAY, THE NEXT TIME
I HAVE LUNCH

"WITH NELSON MANDELA,
I WILL REMEMBER

"HE'S NOT THAT PLAYER
WHO WASHED OUT
WITH THE MINNEAPOLIS MILLERS."

SO LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK THIS CAR OUT, RIGHT HERE?

HOP ON INSIDE,
AND IF YOU LIKE IT,

YOU CAN TAKE IT FOR A WEEK
WHILE YOUR CAR'S IN THE SHOP.

YOU CAN JUST LET PEOPLE
BORROW A $50,000 CAR?

THE SIGN SAYS RICO'S,
SO I CAN PRETTY MUCH DO
WHATEVER I WANT TO.

AND YOU'LL LIKE THE CAR, TOO.
THEY'RE ALL MADE BY
THE US GOVERNMENT NOW.

LAWRENCE, WOULD YOU PLEASE
GIVE THE LOVELY JANEY
A TEST DRIVE, PLEASE.

AND LORI, COME HERE.

I GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL
TO SHOW YOU, TOO, BUDDY.

ALL RIGHT? HAVE FUN!
TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER.

OKAY, LET'S START IT UP.

WOW.

-SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T SHE?
-OH, YEAH.

MARTIN CAMARO.
OVER 700 HORSEPOWER.

700, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HOW DO YOU LIKE THE COLOR?

-I LOVE IT.
-I LIKE TO CALL IT RED SOX RED.

COME ON INSIDE, LORI.

HEY, YOU GUYS'VE BEEN PLAYING
GREAT LATELY.

OR I SHOULD SAY YOU
HAVE BEEN PLAYING VERY WELL.

YOU'RE CARRYING YOUR TEAM,
BUDDY.

I'M NOT THAT GOOD.

WELL, YOU COULD USE SOME
IMPROVEMENT, THAT'S FOR SURE.

BUT I CAN HELP.

THOSE KIDS THAT YOU PLAY WITH
ARE REAL NICE KIDS,

BUT YOU CAN DO BETTER.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME OUT
AND PRACTICE WITH THE RED SOX?

SEE HOW IT FEELS?

LOOK, LORI.

YOU WANT YOUR DAD
TO SEE YOU ON TV, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH, OF COURSE.

YOU REALLY THINK JOEY'S
GONNA BE ABLE TO GET YOU THERE?

WELL, WE WON SOME.

YEAH, YOU WON SOME GAMES.
THAT'S GREAT.

WE'RE UNDEFEATED.

OKAY? AND IT'S GREAT THAT JOEY
IS PAYING ATTENTION RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
THIS LITTLE BET,
OR WHATEVER IS GOING ON,

BUT YOU KIDS
SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SUFFER
BECAUSE WE GROWN-UPS ARE...

GOOFY.

OKAY, AND THOSE KIDS YOU PLAY
WITH ARE REALLY NICE KIDS.

BUT ARE THEY GONNA GET YOU
TO THE SHOWDOWN?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I CAN'T JUST--

LORI, LORI, I HAVE BEEN
WATCHING YOU PLAY.

YOU DO WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN,
AND THAT IS AWESOME.

HEY, THE RED SOX, WE'RE GOING
TO THE SHOWDOWN, GUARANTEED.

ALL RIGHT?

THE SCRUBS?
OUTSIDE CHANCE AT BEST.

IN LIFE, SON, ALWAYS
TAKE THE SURE THING.

TRY IT ON.
LET'S JUST SEE HOW IT LOOKS.

OH, WOW.
THAT'S LIKE PERFECT.

YOU LOOK GREAT IN THAT!

COME ON.
I'LL TAKE YOU FOR A SPIN.

OH, YEAH, YOU SAID IT! SHOTGUN!

LET'S GO. COME ON!

YOU BETTER BE SHOTGUN.
I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DRIVE.

HEY, MR. SENSITIVE, HERE.

I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I AM ON MY WAY

-TO KISS AND MAKE UP
WITH MY BROTHER.
-JOEY, THIS IS GOOD.

YEP, IT'S CRAZY IS WHAT IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.
YOU'LL FEEL GREAT ABOUT THIS
WHEN IT'S ALL OVER.

YOUR BROTHER AND YOU CAN PUT
ALL THIS PETTY BICKERING
BEHIND YOU AND MOVE ON.

WON'T THAT BE GREAT?
JOEY?

-
JO-
-[BEEP]

OH, IT'S ON.

OKAY, IF YOU ARE
ROUNDING THIRD BASE
AND YOU ARE COMING HOME,

TECHNICALLY,
THE CATCHER IS NOT ALLOWED
TO BLOCK THE PLATE.

BUT IF HE'S IN THE BASE PATH,
OR EVEN NEAR THE BASE PATH,

I WANT YOU TO BOWL HIM OVER.
BANG.

KNOCK HIM FLAT ON HIS BUTT,
YOU UNDERSTAND?

WHAT IF HE'S NOT LOOKING?

IF HE'S NOT LOOKING, THEN...

HIT HIM HARDER!

THAT'S RIGHT. OKAY.
FULL SPEED THIS TIME, DEVON.
YOU READY?

YOU READY?
HERE WE GO.

ROUNDING THIRD.
LET'S GO. DIG, DIG. BOOM!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
ALL RIGHT. YOU OKAY, SON?

-YEAH.
-GREAT. NOW THAT IS BASEBALL.

DEVON, DID YOU TOUCH THE PLATE?

TOUCH THE PLATE.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA DO IT NOW.
LET'S GO, ONE AT A TIME.

GET READY,
BANG, BANG, BANG.

[PODCAST]
CUBS BARELY HOLDING A 3-2 LEAD.

BLUE JAY'S WINNING RUN
IS AT BAT.

EASY GROUNDER TO SHORTSTOP,
OH, RIGHT THROUGH BILLY'S LEGS.

-BILLY!
-...RUNNERS ADVANCE.

WINNING RUN IS AT FIRST.
EASY PLAY THE CUBS
JUST FUMBLED.

THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ON THEIR WAY HOME.

DAVE, WHAT'S BEEN UP
WITH THE SCRUBS STAR?

WELL, FELICIA,
AN EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION

HAS REVEALED THAT LORI MOORE
MAY BE THE FIRST FREE AGENT

IN OAKLAND YOUTH LEAGUE
BASEBALL.

NEXT BATTER UP!

LINE DRIVE. FASSI SNAGS IT.
GAME OVER!

THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.

JOEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
HE'S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE
OR ANYTHING.

WE CAN WIN WITHOUT LORI.

IS HE AT LEAST GONNA BE THERE
WHEN WE PLAY THE RED SOX?

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

SO NEXT WEEK,
I GET TO SEE MY LITTLE MAN ON
TV.

YEAH.

AND I GET TO SEE THOSE
GREAT TEAMMATES OF YOURS, TOO.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE LEARNING
TO BE A PART
OF SOMETHING BIGGER, LORI.

[TANKER]
OKAY, GO FOR IT.

OH, CRAP.

WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

WE WON SIX GAMES IN A ROW.
WE ONLY HAVE ONE LEFT.

YEAH,
BUT THAT GAME'S AGAINST US,

AND HE KNOWS WE'RE GOING
TO KICK YOUR BUTT.

WHY?

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T
TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I'M NOT SURE IF SHE WANTS
TO KISS HIM OR BEAT HIM UP.

HEY, TAKE IT EASY, LESBO.

IT'S A WHOLE TEAM.
IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
CRY TO YOUR MOMMY, FAT ASS?

YOU SUCK.
YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS.

COME ON,
LET'S GO PLAY.

CHANNEL 7 ACTION NEWS
STARTS RIGHT NOW.

THE TEAM IS THE CUBS.
SOME CALL THEM THE SCRUBS.

BUT SHOULD THEY REALLY
BE CALLED THE THUGS?

DAYS AFTER A VIDEO SHOWED
HURRICANE PHYLLIS BLUM'S
ORGY OF VIOLENCE

AT A LOCAL SOFTBALL GAME,

7 ACTION NEWS HAS LEARNED
THAT THE 11-YEAR-OLD ATTACKER

IS NOW PLAYING
FOR A BASEBALL TEAM

WITH A LONG HISTORY
OF BULLYING TACTICS.

WATCH OUT,
I'M WATCHING YOU, BUDDY!

DING.

ONE TEAM MEMBER SAYS
ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T PLAY ALONG

CAN EXPECT TO SUFFER.

IT'S REALLY MY FAULT.

IT'S HIS FAULT.
HE SHOULDA GOT OUT OF THE WAY.

NOW SOME ARE SAYING
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

IN MY LEAGUE,
WE HAVE A ZERO-TOLERANCE POLICY

TOWARDS UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT.

IF THESE KIDS TRY TO PULL ANY
OF THESE SHENANIGANS
IN THE GAME,

THERE ARE GOING TO BE DIRE
CONSEQUENCES.
I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT, MISTER.

IN DETROIT, VIC FAUST,
CHANNEL 7 ACTION NEWS.

[BACKGROUND CHATTING]

GUYS GOT ROOM FOR ONE MORE?

NO, SOX ARE A GOOD TEAM.
I'M SURE YOU'LL DO GREAT
FOR THEM.

I DON'T WANNA PLAY FOR THE SOX.

I'M NOT WITH THEM.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT WITH THE CUBS.
THAT'S FOR SURE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M PLAYING FOR THE SCRUBS.

[SIGHS]

-GIVE ME THE MARKER.
-[EVERYONE CHATTERS]

[CHANTING]
SCRUBS, SCRUBS, SCRUBS!

LOOK AT THOSE ANGELIC FACES.

WHO WOULD EVER SUSPECT?

SCRUBS.

[FELICIA]
AND FASSI BREAKS FOR THIRD.

DAVE, ANY THOUGHTS ON THE--

AMAZING PLAY?

PERSONALLY, VIC,
I'VE LONG BEEN AN ADVOCATE

FOR FREE AGENCY IN ALL
THE 9-TO-12 LEAGUES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, VIC?

I TEND TO AGREE WITH YOU.

[FELICIA]
WELL, WE'VE HAD
AN AMAZING GAME TODAY.

IT'S ALL TIED UP
IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH.

GO, GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO!

[SHOUTING]

JOEY DELUCA'S SCRUBS
WILL BE ON THE FIELD
FOR THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN!

HEY, HEY!

HE WENT OUT OF THE BASE PATH.
YOU SHOULD TOSS HIM.

CUBS WIN!

-COME ON, BUDDY.
-CUBS WIN!

HEY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

THE BOY YOU SAW
ATTACK THE OTHER LITTLE BOY?

HE IS SUSPENDED FROM THE LEAGUE.

-IMMEDIATELY?
-IMMEDIATELY.

AND THAT INCLUDES
ALL RELATED ACTIVITIES

LIKE THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN.

LIKE I SAID,
THIS IS ZERO-TOLERANCE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.

THAT KID SHOULD BE GOING
TO THE SHOWDOWN
WITH THE REST OF YOUR TEAM.

THAT KID IS GOING
TO THE SHOWDOWN.
I DON'T CARE WHAT SIMPSON SAYS.

WAIT, WAIT.
SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE
WHAT THE COMMISSIONER HAS TO SAY

AND MAKE UP YOUR OWN RULES
THERE, COACH?

WHO COACHED HIM TO BLOW UP
THE CATCHER AT HOME PLATE?

'CAUSE IT WASN'T ME, RICO.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SHUT IT, SHUT IT!

NO, I'M SICK OF IT.

EVERY SINGLE TIME
HE DOESN'T GET HIS WAY,
HE BLAMES SOMEBODY ELSE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY STILL BLAMING ME
FOR THAT STUPID FIGHT
IN THE MINORS.

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO POP
YOU IN THE MOUTH
IF YOU DIDN'T CORK YOUR BAT.

YOU CORKED YOUR BAT?

DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

I MADE IT TO THE MAJORS.
I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO TO WIN.

YOU DON'T.

IF I HAD KNOWN
ABOUT THIS BACK THEN,

I WOULD HAVE KICKED YOUR ASS,
TOO.

IT WAS TWO GAMES, POP.

TWO--

WHAT ABOUT THE KID?

CAN THE KID GO
TO THE SHOWDOWN OR NOT?

LET'S PLAY BY THE RULES
THIS TIME, RICO.

IF YOU WANT THE BAR,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE
THE KID BACK HERE.

KID'S OUT.

GOOD, BAR'S MINE.

[ANNOUNCER]
IT'S A SPECTACULAR DAY HERE
AT MONARCH STADIUM,

WHERE GO GO GONZALEZ
WILL DEFEND
HIS HOMERUN SHOWDOWN TITLE

AGAINST THE LIKES OF

PALE BAIL HARRINGTON,

LOCO POCO LUIZ,

AND TANK TURPINO.

TANK HAS ONLY TEN HOME RUNS
SO FAR THIS YEAR,

BUT WON THIS THING
BACK IN 2004.

TANK TURPINO!
TANK TURPINO!

-HEY, HEY, HEY.
-JOEY DELUCA.

MY FIRST ROOMMATE.
HOW YA DOIN'?

-HOW'S EVERYTHING?
-OH, IT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW.

TANK TURPINO, BY THE WAY,
I WANT YOU TO MEET
YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

THIS IS TANKER HAUCK.

IN '03, YOU GOT 29 HOME RUNS,

85 RBIS,
AND YOU BATTED AT .297.

WOW, WHAT UPS, KID?

GIMME SOME.

WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?
ALL RIGHT!

I LIKE YOUR SWING THIS YEAR.

NO MORE MORE UPPERCUT
IN THAT THING, HUH?

MAN, THERE GOES MY GLORY.

I'M GONNA TRY
AND GO DEEP TONIGHT.

KID, WHAT DO YOU
THINK I SHOULD DO?

WHAT SHOULD HE DO?

HE SHOULD OPEN HIS STANCE
AND POUND IT DOWN THE LINE?

OPEN YOUR STANCE
AND POUND IT DOWN THE LINE.

-THERE YOU GO.
-I THINK I'M GONNA DO THAT.

OKAY, LET'S GO.
TAKE THE FIELD.

LET'S GO GET 'EM, KIDS.
GOOD LUCK.

-HEY, TANK. THANKS!
-HEY, LOVE YOU.

[ANNOUNCER]
AND TAKING THE FIELD
ARE THE TOP TEAMS

IN OAKLAND AND WAYNE COUNTY
YOUTH LEAGUE.

HERE TO SHOWCASE THEIR FIELDING
FOR THE BIG BOYS.

BRING IT IN HERE, SOX.
HUDDLE UP.

BRING IT IN HERE.
BRING IT IN.

LISTEN TO ME.
THOSE GUYS REALLY ARE SCRUBS,
OKAY?

ANY BALL THAT DOESN'T
GET HIT OUT OF THIS PARK,

I EXPECT TO BE IN YOUR GLOVES.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YEAH!

NOT EVERY BALL IS GONNA
GET OUT OF THIS PARK,

SO I WANT YOU TO PLAY IT OFF
THAT BACK WALL.

ANYTHING IN THE OUTFIELD
IS A LIVE BALL.

AND WATCH THE BATTER'S FEET.
HE'S GONNA TELL YOU

WHERE THAT BALL IS GOING.

HANDS IN. "WIN" ON THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, WIN!

LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

IT'S HOW IT'S DONE, JOEY.

YOU ALL LOOK SO SERIOUS.
SMILE. LOOK AT ME. SMILE!

COME ON, GET 'EM IN HERE.

PLAY HARD, HAVE FUN,

AND LET'S WIN THIS THING.

SCRUBS ON THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, SCRUBS!

COME ON, NOW. LET'S GO!

WOO!

-GOOD LUCK.
-GOOD LUCK.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

[ANNOUNCER] THE CITY OF DETROIT
WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME EVERYONE

TO THE HOME RUN SHOWDOWN!

BATTING FIRST
FOR THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
IS DALE HARRINGTON!

I GOT IT!

THAT'S IT, FASS.
THAT'S IT, FASSI.

COME ON, NOW.
WE'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE IN THIS THING. LET'S GO!

YEAH, BUT LORI'S NOT HERE.

HEY, POP!

HEY, POP.
WHAT IF I LOSE?

COME ON, DON'T GIVE UP ALREADY.

HOW MANY BALLS YOU GOT SO FAR?

NOT THAT, DAD.
LOOK, LOOK.

I'VE BLOWN IT MY WHOLE LIFE,
RIGHT?

EVERYTHING. SO WHO CARES
IF I BLOW THIS, RIGHT?

LOOK AROUND YOU, JOEY.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?

YOU SEE EAGER FANS,

SMILING KIDS.

THEY'RE ALL LISTENING
TO THE CRACK
OF AN OLD-FASHIONED WOOD BAT.

THERE'S THIS PERFECT SUMMER
BREEZE

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER.

YOU REALLY THINK THAT THAT BAR
IS WHAT TODAY IS ALL ABOUT?

HEY, BILLY!

GET IN HERE!

THANKS, POP.

THAT WAS SUBTLE.

I'M GONNA GO FOR A FEW MINUTES.
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE COACH.

YOU GET THE BALLS
AND YOU PUT THEM IN THAT BUCKET.

WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET HIM GET THEM.
LET'S GO!

COME ON!

[ANNOUNCER]
ALL RIGHT,
ROUND ONE IS COMPLETE.

WE BEGIN ROUND TWO WITH GONZO,

AND AS YOU CAN SEE,

DALE HARRINGTON WATCHES ON
WITH GREAT CONCENTRATION.

OOP.

HE GOES BACK.
A HIGH POP FLY TO LEFT FIELD.

THE RUNNER ON THIRD'S
GONNA TAG UP AND TRY TO SCORE.

WONDER IF LORI MOORE
CAN THROW HIM OUT AT HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT
AND FIGHT FOR YOUR BAR?

KINDA WANT YOUR DAD
TO SEE HIS KID PLAY BASEBALL.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
OF THAT BEFORE.

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT US.
IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT ME.

ALWAYS ME.

YOU THINK I CARED
ABOUT TANK TURPINO
OR MY BROTHER?

ONLY IF THEY WERE PLAYING
BETTER THAN ME.

I GOT KICKED OUT
OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

IT'S THE ONLY THING
I EVER CARED ABOUT.

IT DESTROYED MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY BROTHER.

MY DAD.

I DON'T WANT
THAT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

RIGHT?

SO I JUST CAME HERE TO TELL YOU

THAT YOUR TEAM...

THEY NEED YOU.

AND I NEED YOU THERE, TOO.

THAT WAS
MY INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH.
HOW'D IT GO?

I'LL TAKE THAT AS, "IT SUCKED."

[MUTTERS]

HEY, DON'T PLAY SO HARD-TO-GET
NEXT TIME, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON. LET'S GO.

JEEZ LOUISE.

HEY, I'M NOT TAKING
IT EASY ON YOU JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE A KID.

IT'S BASEBALL. PLAY BALL.

[ANNOUNCER]
INTO THE THIRD ROUND WE GO.

ONLY ONE BIG SURPRISE.

TANK TURPINO HAS MADE
IT PAST THE LIKES
OF DALE HARRINGTON

AND POCO LUIZ.

TANK TURPINO HAS MADE IT
TO THE FINALS. AMAZING!

IT'S A MELEE OUT THERE.
WHO'S GONNA COME UP
WITH THAT BALL?

HEY, BILLY!

HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?

GOOD, GOOD. GO GET OUT THERE.
COME ON, NOW. LET'S GO, SCRUBS!

LET'S GO, SCRUBS!

READ 'EM AND WEEP, BABY.
READ 'EM AND WEEP.

ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE IN THIS THING.

COME ON NOW, SCRUBS!

[ANNOUNCER]
SPECTACULAR CATCH!

THAT KID JUST GOT
A YOUTUBE MOMENT!

THAT'S MY SON!
THAT'S HIM!

HEY, THAT KID!

HEY, GET THAT KID OFF THE FIELD.

-SIMPSON, SHUT IT.
-NO!

I'M SAYING SIT DOWN!

NEXT YEAR,
I'LL APPOINT A DIFFERENT
COMMISSIONER.

OH, NO, YOU CAN'T.
NOBODY WANTS THE JOB.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
THAT'S LORI!

HE CAN'T BE HERE.
YOU LOSE. THAT'S IT!

HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO BE OUT HERE.
YOU LOSE.

-THAT'S IT!
-BIG AL'S IS YOURS.

COME ON NOW, SCRUBS,
LOOK ALIVE!

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SET FOOT
INSIDE BIG AL'S AGAIN.
YOU UNDERSTAND?

-I KNOW.
-LIKE NEVER, EVER, EVER.

I KNOW.

THIS ISN'T ANY FUN
IF YOU'RE NOT PISSED OFF.

I KNOW.

C'MON, SCRUBS,
GET ON THAT BALL NOW!

YES, WE'RE GONNA BEAT YOU
ANYWAY. LET'S GO!

-NICE JOB!
-LET'S GO, SCRUBS, LET'S GO!

[ANNOUNCER]
OH, WHAT A MOVE!

SOMEONE CALL THE COPS.
THAT WAS A ROBBERY!

LOOK AT THESE KIDS GOING AT IT.
IT'S LIKE
LORD OF THE FLIES
OUT THERE.

FASSI, YOU TIED IT UP!
YOU TIED IT UP!

TANK TURPINO IS UNEXPECTEDLY
UP BY ONE HOMER.

THIS IS GONZO'S LAST CHANCE
TO TIE IT UP.

IF HE DOESN'T HIT A HOME RUN
RIGHT NOW,

TANK TURPINO HAS WON
THE 2012 HOME RUN SHOWDOWN.

THAT'S WAY BACK.

BACK, BACK.

OH, MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT?

A KID JUST ROBBED GONZO
OF THE TYING HOMERUN.

TANK TURPINO WINS!

THAT'S LORENZO. THAT'S MY BOY.
THAT'S MY SON!

CUBS WIN!
CUBS WIN!

WOW, DO YOU BELIEVE
IN MIRACLES?
BECAUSE YOU JUST SAW ONE!

I WON, RIGHT?
I GET THE BAR, RIGHT?

-I STILL WON.
-IS THAT A TEAR?

-ARE YOU CRYING, RICO?
-NO, JUST SWEATING, POP.

WE WON! WE WON!

WE DID IT!

YOU DID IT!

AWESOME, OH!

I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.

GOOD JOB, MAN.

♪ IT'S GONNA BE
AN ALL RIGHT DAY ♪

♪ I THINK
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT FINE ♪

♪ CUTTIN' LOOSE THE THOUGHTS
THAT WEIGH ON MY MIND ♪

♪ I WALK DOWN
THE QUIET ROAD ♪

♪ NOBODY IN MY WAY

♪ I'M GONNA WRITE A SONG
AND SING IT TO MYSELF ♪

-HOW'S IT GOING, POP?
-HEY.

THIS IS GREAT!

OH, IT'S MY BROTHER.

HEY, JOEY.
HI, MICHELLE.

-HEY.
-JOEY, CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?

YEAH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HEY, I STOPPED BY THE BAR.
IT LOOKS GOOD.

I LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH
POP'S BASEBALL COLLECTION.

-IT'S NICE.
-YEAH, IT TURNS OUT...

PEOPLE REALLY LOVE
THAT RETRO CRAP.

LOOK, I--

I WAS WONDERING--
I WAS THINKING MAYBE
I COULD USE A PARTNER.

YOU KNOW,
TO HELP ME RUN THE PLACE.

YOU KNOW ANYBODY
THAT MIGHT BE INTERESTED?

YEAH, I DEFINITELY
MAY KNOW SOMEBODY.

YEAH, BECAUSE I RE-OPEN
IN LIKE A MONTH.

A MONTH.

-IF THAT WORKS.
-YEAH.

-I MEAN, I'LL ASK AROUND.
-OKAY.

-OKAY.
-OKAY, GOOD.

-BEAUTIFUL. OKAY.
-YOU BEEN GOOD?

BOBBY, DON'T LET HIM PUSH YOU
LIKE THAT. COME ON!

MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!

I GOT A NEW SPORT!

WHAT IS IT?

I GOTCHA. OKAY!

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE
BIT OF A TIMEOUT. IT'S OKAY.

OKAY.

-ATTENTION!
-WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

ATTENTION! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL
OAKLAND YOUTH BASEBALL
LEAGUE FIELD.

IT IS NOT TO BE USED FOR
ANYTHING

OTHER THAN OFFICIAL
OAKLAND YOUTH BASEBALL
LEAGUE BUSINESS.

EVERYONE MUST VACATE
THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.

-SIMPSON.
-YO.

SHOVE YOUR RULES!

HEY!

HEY, STOP!

[SHOUTING]

♪ IT'S GONNA BE
AN ALL RIGHT DAY,

♪ I THINK
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT FINE ♪

♪ CUTTING LOOSE THOUGHTS
THAT WEIGH ON MY MIND ♪

♪ I WALK DOWN A QUIET ROAD,
NOBODY IN MY WAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA WRITE A SONG
AND SING IT TO MYSELF, SEE ♪

♪ IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT ♪

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ HIT ME ON THE SPOT,
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY OR NOT?

♪ ALL RIGHT

♪ HIT ME ON THE SPOT,
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT ♪

♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT

♪ IF YOU WANT TO COME ALONG,
I SUPPOSE THAT'S OKAY ♪

♪ YOU CAN WRITE A SONG
AND SING IT TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT ♪

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, YEAH I THINK IT'S
GONNA WORK OUT FINE ♪

♪ OH, HIT ME ON THE SPOT,
GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY OR NOT?

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ IT'S GONNA BE,
IT'S GONNA BE-- YEAH ♪

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

♪♪ [VOCALIZES]

♪ ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ HIT ME ON THE SPOT,
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY OR NOT,
ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ WAITING FOR THE CALL,
JUST HIT IT OVER THE WALL ♪

♪ AND IT'S ALL RIGHT

♪ ALL RIGHT