All language subtitles for one.day.at.a.time.2017.s04e05.hdtv.x264-w4f

-How's your essay
going for Yale?

Did you pick a topic yet?

-Um, I narrowed it down
to a few options.

-Maybe you could just send
the whole board

and hope for the best.

-The website specifically
said not to do that.

But I can't get over
how well-rounded I am.

I mean, am I too interesting?

-No.

-Okay, look, each color
represents a different aspect

of my life
that is essay-worthy.

Like, red is "Growing Up Cuban,"

and orange is
"My Dad Abandoned Me

But Got Into Recovery,
So We're Cool Now,"

and purple is just
"General Gay Stuff."

-Mm-hmm.
-General Gay Stuff

is also my ranking
in the lesbian army.

-'Sup, fam?
I was just wondering

how the planning
is coming for my quinces.

-What the hell
are you talking about?

-Oh, well, I thought that
since Elena had a quinces,

obviously I would also
be given a party

to celebrate my coming of age,

this being a house
of gender equality and all.

-What the hell
is he talking about?

-Hey, on the other hand,
if it's too much trouble,

you can just give me
the cash instead.

-[ Laughing ] Oh! Okay.

Now I understand.
You want money.

I thought you were woke.
Turns out, you're just broke.

I actually love the idea
of throwing you a quinces.

-Ooh.
-You do?

-Yeah.

I mean, you think
it's a special day for you,

but, really, it's about
what a great mom I am.

I know you came in here
trying to scam us for money,

but congratulations,
you played yourself.

We're doing this.

-Finally, a day
we can focus on Papito!

-Oh, my God.

We're gonna break gender norms
and have a quinceañer-o!

-Whoo-hoo!
-I know!

I get a mother-son dance.

-And I get a mistaken-for-
your-mother-son dance!

-♪ Quinces, Papito, quinces ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah!
Quinces, Papito, quinces ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah! ♪
-Whoa! Okay, no!

Stop. I admit it.

I don't really want
a quinceañero.

-Yeah, this isn't
about you anymore.

♪ Quinces, Papito, quinces ♪
-Whoo!

-I just need $500, okay?

-Uh, wha-- $500?! Why?

-For once, can't you just
give me $500

without asking any questions?

-Papito.
What are you thinking,

asking your mommy
for so much money?

I'll give it to you.

-You know what?
Actually, I would love

to see you pull $500
out of there.

-Okay, I'm bluffing.

I am bluffing,
but don't worry, Papito.

I will take it out
of my savings account.

I just need to grab my map
and a shovel.

-It's fine, Abuelita.
Forget it.

I'm sorry I asked.

-Should I be worried about that?

-Oh, wait, I do have money!

It's a ketchup packet.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

-Hey, Dr. B!
What are you doing here?

-I wanted to drop off
an early baby gift.

I-I know you're coming by for an
ultrasound in a couple of days,

but I wanted you guys
to have this now.

-Our first baby gift!
-This is so exciting.

-I know.

-Thank you so much Dr. -- Aah!

-Meet Ruckus the Clown!

He's been in my family
for years,

and I wanted
to pass him on to you.

-I bet you did.

-Oh, Ruckus watched over me
when I was growing up.

He was my confidant,
he was my caretaker,

and the best big spoon
you ever spooned.

-Dr. B.
[ Chuckles ]

We couldn't possibly
take something so...

obviously meant for you.
-Yeah.

Get that guy out of here.

Right now.
-No, no, no, no, no.

I-I've thought about this
long and hard.

Ruckus' cold, pale face
is my first memory,

and I want that for your child.

-I don't...

know what to say.

-I am glad that you love him
as much as I do!

Oh.

You know,
you guys remind me so much

of when Sophie and I
had our first baby.

So full of joy and hope.

And then the baby's born
and -- bam -- all gone.

Hope and joy is replaced
with fear and regret.

Oh, and then you start
turning on each other.

And that's when the lawyers
start circling like hyenas

around the rotting corpse
of your relationship.

Whoa! Got to go.

-Welcome home!
-Aah!

-I get why she does this.
It's a real power move.

-What are you doing back there?
-I'll ask the questions.

Why do you need $500?

Because I Googled "what does
a teenage boy need $500 for?"

and it autofilled with
some really disturbing stuff.

-Just forget it. I'm over it.

-No, I'm not over it.
I'm spinning out.

I'm thinking
"exotic pet deal gone wrong."

I-I went on a whole subreddit
about calf implants.

Help me out!

-Oh, my God. It's nothing bad.

But you're gonna think
it's stupid.

-At this point, I would love
to think it's stupid.

-Okay.

I want to take a class...

in fashion design.

-[ Chuckles ]

-See? I knew you'd think
it was stupid.

-No.
No, I'm just glad that we don't

have to give Elena's room
to a Komodo dragon.

No, Alex, I think that's great.

-You do?
-Yes.

Why didn't you
just tell me that?

-I don't know.
It's not academic,

and I figured you might think
it's a waste of money.

-It is a waste of money.

Wait.

Why are my curtains
already open?

-What do you mean?
You just opened them.

-Okay.

Pero, Papito,
why pay for a class

when the world's
greatest seamstress

will teach you for free?

I'm talking about myself.

-Thanks, Abuelita,
but it's actually a class

about street style...
-Oh, I know the streets.

How do you think I get
to the farmers market?

-Mommy, help.

-Don't worry, I'm not gonna
make you go through

what I went through with her.

-Excuse me?

-Do you remember when I wanted
to take that hip-hop class?

You said, "Why pay for the class

when the world's greatest dancer
can teach for you free?

I'm talking about myself."

-I did teach you.

-There are no castanets
in hip-hop, Mami!

-Well, if there were,
it would be popular.

Papito.

Imagine you and me
wearing matching

homemade street outfits.

-I am definitely imagining it.

-Don't worry, Alex,
you can take the class.

But I'm not giving you
the money.

I am investing in the future
of fashion, which is you.

Oh, I can't wait to see you on
"Project Runway."

Not as a contestant, as a judge.

'Cause that's how we do.

Oh, plus I'm gonna look
fly as hell, so I'm in!

-Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, Mami.
You're the best.

-Well...

I'll get my needle and thread
so I can mend my broken heart.

Do you what you need
to do, Mami.

I have made up my mind.

Alex is taking the class.

iY ya!

I love this.

-What the hell is going on?

-Oh, there's my little genius.

How's the essay going?

-I've got nothing!

-What? This looks great.

You're just a ball of red yarn

away from cracking
this murder case.

-No, I stayed up all night

writing 15 different essays,

only to discover
that all of them sucked!

I need Yale to fall in love
with me,

and this will just make them
file a restraining order.

-Ohh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
-Fine?

-Yeah.
-Oh, well, I should just

get my GED
and start backpacking.

Okay, maybe I'll go back
to my first idea

about how I want to put
the "I" in "environmental."

-I think you put the "mental"
in "environmental."

-Can't even tell if
that's a good idea or not.

Okay, yeah, no, I'm fine.

Chaos is part of my process.

-Hey.

-Hey, how was
your fashion class?

When does your line come out

so I can buy it a year later
at Nordstrom Rack?

-Yes, tell us what
the strangers taught you.

-Show us, come on.
-Okay.

It's just a simple pair
of shorts,

and it's my first project,
so don't get too excited.

-Aah! Alex!

This is really good!
-Thanks.

-I mean, I knew you were
crushing it,

but, damn, my investment
is paying off already.

Mami, didn't he do a great job?

-Well, I wouldn't call it
a "street style."

You know who wouldn't
be caught dead in these?

Dr. Ake.

-Do you mean Dr. Dre?

-Do you mean Drake?

-I said what I said.

-Keep up the great work.

Nice job, and next week,
I'd like to see a skirt

for your mother, the woman
that made this all possible.

-I'll see what I can do.
-Okay.

Mami, you got to admit,
this is pretty good.

-I admit nothing.

It's obvious he got
his talent from me.

Good clean lines,
good stitching,

"made in China."

How far away is this class?

-Alex didn't make these.

He lied to us.

-It's worse than you think.

"Dry-clean only."

-Please tell me
that's your hand on my butt.

-I was just thinking about
what Dr. B said.

-Oh, my God. Me too.

Do you actually think
he expects us

to follow
these bath-time instructions?

-No, I was thinking about
how he said

his marriage fell apart
after kids.

-Oh, yeah,
that freaked me out, too.

But that's not us.

We're totally in love.

We've never even had one fight.

-You're right.

-Why don't I get this guy
out of here?

-Yes. Oh, God!

I have been waiting for you
to say that.

Oh, just make sure no one
sees it in the trash.

I don't want it to
get back to Dr. B

and hurt his feelings.

-Uh...why would I
put him in the trash?

I'm taking him
to the baby's room.

-What?

Oh, you're kidding.

It's -- You -- Wait, what?

-This guy's awesome.

I can't believe Dr. B
was willing to part with him.

Honestly, I feel safer.

-You are not putting that thing
near our baby's crib.

-'Course not. You heard the doc.

He's a spooner.
He needs to be in the crib.

-He's a creepy serial-killer
doll with polka-dot pants.

And he smells like cheese!

-He smells like love!

And a little bit like Camembert.

-Are we really having
our first fight over a --

over a stupid antique clown?!

-No, we're having our first
fight over my new best friend!

Come on, Ruckus.

Ohh!
Buddy, are you okay?

-He's not real!

-Hey, bud.

I just want to say one more time
great job.

Really professional.

Like something you'd find
in a store.

-Thanks. You know,
it took a lot out of me.

So I'm just gonna take a nap.

-Yeah, you thought
of every detail.

I mean, even a receipt.
-You found the receipt?

-Well, now I don't have to.

If you were really
taking the class,

I'd have you make me
a trench coat,

'cause I'm freaking McGruff.
Ruff ruff, ya busted!

-I'm sorry. I can explain.

-Yeah, you better
'cause you lied to me.

-I quit the class.

I-I decided I didn't want
to go anymore.

[ Sighs ]

And don't worry, I got a refund.

-Well, why didn't you
just tell me that?

I wouldn't make you
keep going to the class

if I knew you hated it.

I'm not Abuelita pounding
out the counts to "No Diggity"

with her chancletas.

-I didn't hate it.

I loved it.

-Okay, now I don't know
what's going on.

-I loved it, but I sucked at it,
so I quit.

And I bought the stupid shorts

so I wouldn't have to have
this conversation.

-So what was your plan?

You were just gonna keep buying
clothes until I showed up

to a fake graduation,
looking fantastic?

-I'm not saying
it was a good plan,

but that was the plan.

-Alex, relax.

You only took one class.

It's okay not to be perfect.

-Not in this family.

I mean,
everyone here is "killing it"

and "a badass" and "a strong
independent woman."

Abuelita came to this country
with nothing,

made a whole life for herself.

You're a military veteran whose
job is literally saving lives.

Elena is gonna get into
every Ivy League school

and become the first
doctor-lawyer president.

I'm just a dude
with a great smile.

-Come on, you're good
at a lot of stuff.

-Not fashion.

I mean, everybody else
made a pair of shorts.

I spent the whole class
trying to thread

the stupid sewing machine.

I mean, I stabbed my finger
with the needle

so many times
that I needed stitches,

but I didn't know
how to do them.

-Oh, baby.

-So I figured that,
if I'm not gonna be great,

it's better not to do it, right?

-No, you got to keep doing it.

-But you already said
I could quit.

-Yeah, that's when I thought
you hated it.

But now that I know you love it,

I expect you to work
until you're miserable.

You can't be afraid to fail.

What, do you think
I'm gonna love you any less

because you're not perfect?

-I mean,
I'd rather not find out.

-Oh, love.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to make you
feel that way.

Look at me.

It's okay to be bad
at some things.

Dare to suck!

It's the first step
to getting good.

And if you love
the fashion thing,

you have to keep going back

and not be afraid
to be bad at it for awhile.

Because you'll get better.

We're all learning.

It's a process.

-Okay. Thanks, Mom.

I'll go back to the class.
-Mm.

-What's going on?
I heard voices.

Oh, wait.

They're not coming from in here.

-Is this fire out?

'Cause mama's got
a real inferno over there.

-Are you insane?

Peanut butter is not healthier
than almond butter.

-Tell that to the bees, who work
their little fingers to the bone

so that you can have
your precious "AB&J."

You want to have a butter fight,
let's have a butter fight!

[ Knock on door ]
-Hey, kids.

Are we ready for the ultrasound?

-You "butter" believe it.

-Oh, don't you dare.

-You're the one
who bought almond butter.

I didn't even get a chance
to weigh in.

-Well, next time, you can do
the online shopping.

I'm exhausted.
-But -- You're exhausted?

-There's your baby.

-Oh, my God.

That's our baby.

It's the most beautiful,
tiniest blob I've ever seen.

I'm sorry for everything.

-And I'm sorry, too.

-Oh, look at you two.

If my marriage had one ounce
of this love,

Sophie and I might still
just be separated.

-To be honest, Dr. B,
we've been on edge

since you came over
the other day

and told us how kids
ruined your marriage.

-Oh, yeah. I -- [ Laughs ]

I totally misremembered that.

No, no, no.

Things didn't go downhill
after we had kids.

It was after my wife
slept with her podiatrist.

Ah, ironically,
he swept her off her feet.

-What the hell, doc?

We've been fighting all week
since you said that.

-Well, that's just crazy.

You two are perfect
for each other.

And your baby's perfect, too.

-Ooh, can you tell
whether it's a boy or a girl?

-Yes, of course.
I'm a doctor.

-Sort of did want to know.

Hey, but maybe
it'd be fun not to.

-You know, I agree.

-I'm sorry I got so worked up
about Ruckus.

I was such a lonely kid,

I-I would've loved
to have a buddy.

Any buddy.

-Now you have a buddy -- me.

And our baby doesn't need
a creepy stuffed companion.

'Cause they'll have us.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Gasps ] We did it!

We get through our first fight!

-I can't believe I'm saying
this, but thank you, Ruckus?

-Yeah.

You know what the best way
to thank him might be?

-Hey, Penelope,
you change your hair?

Ruckus?

"I'm sick. Homesick."

Oh, I miss you, too, old fella.

-[ Coughs ]

-Mami, you think a sign
is gonna stop me.

I'm parked in a loading zone
right now.

-Okay. Class was great.

And...

this one I really made.

-It's good!
You did good!

You see?
This is how you get better.

-And I decided,
if I cannot be your teacher,

I will be your model.

I already slapped
Naomi Campbell,

but that's a story
for another time.

-Pin a medal
on General Gay Stuff!

I finally wrote
the perfect college essay.

My adviser said it was the best
one she's read in years.

-That's amazing, honey!
Congratulations!

You see, look at us!

We're all killing it.

Although, I'm gonna tell you,
Alex, I'm a little bummed

about us
not having a quinceañero.

Mostly because I was really
looking forward

to that mother-son dance.

But, um...

[ Cool jazz music plays ]
Uh-oh.

Is there one starting now?

-Alright.
I guess you deserve this.

-Mm, this and you're gonna make
me one of these cool jackets.

-♪ You know it might be ♪

-Lucky for you,
I can also rock a vest.

Lupita!
-What?

-You are getting a ticket!
-Oh, crap!

-There is no ticket.

-♪ If someone's jealous,
I don't care about them ♪

♪ I used to study you from... ♪