All language subtitles for one.day.at.a.time.2017.s04e03.hdtv.x264-w4f

-A Pop original series.

-When you have a teenage boy,
you know the day will come,

and it's only a matter of time
before someone

opens a door
that they shouldn't

and sees someone doing something
with themselves.

-Mm-hmm.

-And last night, it happened.

-Oh, no.
You walked in on Alex.

-No.

He walked in on me.

-Oh!

-♪ This is it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ One day at a time ♪

-So, Alex walked in on you
having a ménage à moi?

-Deejaying for a party of one?

-Very much so, yes.

-Why didn't you lock the door?

-'Cause we're not
that kind of family.

We don't have locks on our
doors, except the front door.

We have 14 locks on that.

-Well, you know,
this kind of sounds

like a private family issue
to me, so --

-Yeah, nice try, Pam.

It was Friday night,
and my mom and the kids

were going to the movies.

I'd had a long week,
and I was looking forward

to having the place to myself,

because I rarely get
the place to myself.

-You sure you don't
want to come?

-Oh, no. I'm tired.
You guys, go, have fun!

[ Door closes ]

So, I grabbed my wine...

...and got into bed to watch
a little "Outlander."

-I'm sorry.
What's "Outlander"?

-"Outlander" is a show
about this woman

who touches a rock
and then gets sent back in time

to have sex with this super-hot
Scottish dude to save her life.

-Oh.
-It's quality television, Pam.

Culture yourself.

-I've definitely enjoyed some
alone time watching "Outlander."

I mean, that accent
does it for me.

-Doesn't do it for me.

They all sound like Shrek.

-Shrek can get it.

-Rachel Maddow.

What I would do
to get into her blazers.

Sometimes, I just
picture her naked,

beating the crap
out of Mitch McConnell.

-Anyway, I was in the room

with my door closed,

enjoying the fine...
acting...

[ Scottish music playing on TV ]

...when, unbeknownst to me, Alex
came back looking for his phone.

So he used the landline
to call it.

[ Telephone dialing ]

[ Buzzing ]

-Aah!
-Aah!

-That's not my phone!

-I haven't seen terror
in a man's eyes like that

since Afghanistan.

-You sure Alex even knows
what he saw?

Because I've dated
full-grown men

who don't know
what's going on down there.

-Maybe he thought you were
shaving your legs...

in the dark...
under the covers.

-Dark? Covers?

Ha!
That would have been nice.

[ All groan ]

I know! I know!

I know.

So, now that I've robbed
my child of his innocence,

how do I talk to him about it?

-Talk to him?
Are you crazy?

-Listen, we've all got things
we wish we hadn't seen.

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
-Like Jill doing karaoke.

-You're just jealous
I can do both parts

of "Islands in the Stream"
by myself.

-Sounds like Penelope was doing
both parts by herself.

-But I-I just want him to know

that there's nothing
wrong with it.

I mean, there was
in that it was me,

but he needs to know that moms
are sexual beings, too.

-Teenage boys never
need to know that.

-Well, he at least needs to know
that masturbation is healthy.

-Oh, he definitely
already knows that.

-He's already
really embarrassed.

Talking to him about it
is only gonna make it worse.

-She's right.
When I was about his age,

I walked in on
my parents having sex,

and it was incredibly traumatic.

They tried to talk to me
about it, too.

-So, what happened?
-I enlisted.

-Hi, Papito.

-Hey.

-How's it going
with your homework?

What are you working on?

-Essay.
-Mm.

Cool, cool.
Cool, cool.

You want something to eat?

-Too soon, Mom.

-[ Mumbles ]
Okay, Alex, we need to talk.

-Nah. I'm good.

-It's not gonna make it any less
awkward by not talking about it.

-It might. Let's try.

-Look, I want you to know that
what you accidentally witnessed

was a completely normal
expression of human sexuality.

-Okay!

-Okay, yeah. [ Grumbles ]

Well, look,
we're back here again.

Ah.

I just want to make sure
you don't have any questions.

Because masturbation is
a healthy, normal part of life.

-No, it is not!

It's a dirty, sinful habit
for sad, ugly people.

Not living, beautiful angels.

-It wasn't me. It was her.
-[ Gasps ]

iQue sucia!

Did you learn that in the Army?

Because no one in our family
has ever done that.

-Mommy, please!

Stop with the old-school
prudishness.

It's natural.

-Maybe for men,
because they are animals

who cannot help themselves.

But women --
women are civilized.

We are mothers.

We do not put the hand that
wipes the tears of our child

down the front of our bloomens.

-What you guys talking about?

-The completely normal act
of female self-pleasure.

-Oh, can I tag in?

-Can I tag out?

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

I have been reading
a lot about --
-Please.

I don't need more information.
-Well, no.

There are real health benefits
from self-gratification,

particularly for women,
like reduced stress

and pain relief
from menstrual cramps
and improved cognition.

-iQue tontería!

Sex is between people
who are married.

It is Adam and Eve,
not Bzzzz and Eve.

-Abuelita, are you saying that
you, of all people, never...

opened the curtains?
-Oh!

-No! Please don't answer!

I will literally
give each of you $20

to stop talking about this.

This is not
a normal conversation.

This family needs boundaries.

-Boundaries?
What do you mean boundaries?

Boundaries are for white people.

Next thing you know,
we're eating Lunchables

in separate rooms,
and Grandmama lives in a home.

-Ay, no.

-Listen, I'm trying
to make you understand

that this is nothing you should
ever feel ashamed about.

-No, no, no, no, no!

Shame is good for you.

You should be proud
of your shame.

-I already said I don't want
to talk about this with you.

I need my privacy.
-Oh, that's cute.

Yeah, there's no such thing
as privacy from your mother.

I made you.
Your life is my life.

I am you.

-And I am her, so I am also you.

-What about me?

-You're kind of your own thing.

But your mommy is right.

In this family,
we talk about everything.

There are no boundaries.
There are no secrets. Y ya.

This is a secret.

And if you tell anyone
about this date,

I will deny everything.

-Um, while you
are beautiful...

-[ Laughs ]

-...you look nothing
like your profile picture...

Penelope.

-Oh, you caught me!

That was not me in the picture.

And this is not a date.
It is an interview.

-An interview?

-Yes. To see if you are
a worthy suitor

to date my daughter, Penelope,

who is the smoke show
in those pictures.

So, it says here
you majored in engineering.

-Y-Yes.
With a minor in theater.

-I love the theater.

But there's no money in it, so
I have to dock you some points.

So, you will love Penelope.

She is smart and kind and funny.

But, recently, she has been
touching herself,

which is why I am here.

I know.
I was shocked myself.

But I realized she must be doing
that because she is very lonely.

And I want my daughter
to find happiness.

-Oh.
Well, when you put it like that,

it's actually very sweet.

I'm close to my mom, too.

We talk every day.

-Every day?

You are now my top contender.

So, for the win, tell me --
who is your favorite pope?

There is a right answer.

[ Humming
"Here Comes the Bride" ]

Oh!

-I want to talk to you
about the female orgasm.

Abuelita, I want
to share this book

on self-exploration with you.

It's called
"I'll Have What I'm Having."

It will help you find pleasure.

-You're right.
That was very pleasurable.

-Oy!

-iAy, que bueno!

You are home!

You have a date.

His name is Danny.
And he is Catholic.

And he is an engineer.
And he is Catholic.

-What are you talking about?

-Well, I realize that
if you were not lonely,

you would not have to do...

Hmm?

So, I, um --
¿como se dice? -- catfish.

I made you a profile on Tinder.

-Okay, my whole face
just went numb.

How could you do this?!

-Well, I simply
broke into your phone,

e-mailed myself photos of you,
and -- teeky-tocky --

I found you a man.

-Let me see the profile.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Under bio, it says,
"Lonely Catholic nurse

seeks big, strong man
to fill the hole in her life"?

-Abuelita, you might
want to reword that.

-You put my measurements
on here?

-Of course.
With your perfect ratios,

why bury the lede?

-How did you even get them?
-You are a very sound sleeper.

It's also on your profile.

-¿Que tal, Lydia?
How did the date with Danny go?

Did he say Pope Francis?

-Of course you were
a part of this.

-Um, yeah.

We're all very concerned.

Actually, you should be glad
I helped her.

The first profile she set up
was on Craigslist...

under "free stuff."

-Oh, dear God.

Mommy, Mommy,
you need to back way up.

What I do in my room, behind
closed doors, is my business.

Who I choose to date
is my business.

And I don't want you meddling.
I have a right to my privacy.

-Oh!

Interesting twist.

I thought you said there was
no such thing as privacy

from your own mother.

-I'm an adult, son!

And you do me a favor, Mommy.
You stay out of my love life.

-Fine! It should be easy

to stay out of something
that doesn't exist.

And while I'm at it,
I'll also stay out of Hogwarts.

-You know, maybe Alex is right.
-I am?

-Yeah, maybe. Maybe this family
does need boundaries.

We clearly have no idea
how to respect each other's
personal space.

-I don't understand
what you are saying.

Should I tell Danny 7:30?
-Oh, no!

No! Oh!

Okay, you don't respect
my feelings.

You don't respect my privacy.

This is not normal.

-What is not normal
is making love to a robot.

-It's not a robot.
It's a personal massager.
-Okay, you know what?

I'm just gonna go over to
Schneider's, probably forever.

Come on, Schneider.
-I'll catch up with you later.

I'm pretty invested in this.

-Okay, from now on,
we knock on doors,

we don't over-share,
and we don't meddle.

-Lupita, you are being
too sensitive.

All I am saying is that
I cannot be

a mother-in-law to a dustbuster.

-Well, guess what.

If I did marry my vibrator,
you would not be invited.

-Then I could get an invite
from the groom

and sit on his side
of the chapel

with all the blenders
and air fryers.

-Good morning, Mommy.
How'd you sleep?

-I don't see how that is
any of your business.

In fact, I want you
to respect my privacy,

no matter what happens.

-Okay.

-Oh, I am so tired.

I barely slept last night.

-You caught me leaving Lydia's
bedroom in my post-coital glow.

-I know you have a lot of
questions, but, obviously,

I cannot answer any of them
porque boundaries.

-Well, if the world's worst
breakfast theater is over,

I'm gonna go to work.

Can I get a ride, Dr. B?

-I would, but your mom promised
to make me breakfast

if I came over in my bathrobe
looking like a snack.

-Breakfast is for closers,
Leslie.

-How many dating accounts
did you and my mom set up?

I'm getting e-mails
from ScottishHotties.com.

-I watch "Outlander."
I know what you like.

-This has gotten out of hand.

-Kind of how it started, right?

-My mom is out of control.

I told her we need boundaries,
and now she's down there

starring in a telenovela,
"La Mamá de la Sucia."

-But didn't you
bring this on yourself?

You keep changing the rules
about boundaries.

-No.
The rules are very simple.

No boundaries
between me and my son.

Yes boundaries
between me and my mom.

-But isn't that
kind of hypocritical?

-No. He's my baby.

I can't leave him to deal
with all this stuff by himself.

I'm his mother.
-Sure, sure, sure, sure,

sure, sure, sure, sure.

But Lydia is your mother.
Oh, my God!

You guys are basically
doing the same thing.

That is adorable!

-No. No!

I'm a grown woman, and she needs
to stop mothering me now.

-Oh, okay. So I guess
there's gonna be a time

when you stop mothering Alex?

-Damn it, Schneider.

-Not now, Angus!

-Yes, Leslie?

Well, I hope it's nothing,
but I am late.

-Mommy, that's the remote.

-Well, if anyone knows
their electric handheld devices,

it's you.

-Oh, my God.

Will you stop...

so I can apologize to you?

-Apologize? Oh!

I'm listening.

-I get it. I understand
when you meddle in my life --

or steal my identity
and offer me up

like a used couch
on the Internet --

it's because you love me.

-Ay, Lupita.

I would do anything
for your happiness.

-Thank you.

So, I guess we're back
to no boundaries.

Although, I am gonna put a lock
on the door,

if only to save Alex
from further trauma.

-That's literally all I wanted.

Of course, now when the door
is locked,

I'll know
what's happening in there.

And that's its own
special kind of scarring.

-There is nothing scarring
about a woman

taking care of her needs.
-You weren't there!

-Look, being
in each other's business

is a small price to pay
for being as close as we are.

And in order to stay close,
we have to be close.

And that's a trade-off
I'm okay with.

-I am so happy!

But I wish you had come
to your senses earlier.

I ran into the most perfect man
in the grocery store.

But because you told me
to stay out of your love life,

I said nothing.

[ Knock on door ]
Or did I?

-Wow!

[ Chuckles ] W-W-Why?

Why am I even surprised?

O-Of course you had no intention

to ever respect
those boundaries.

-Hello.

-Hi, Max.
What are you doing here?

I thought you were in Indonesia.
-Yeah, I'm back.

They have these things
called airplanes.

Yeah.

-So, I, uh -- I ran into
your mom at the grocery store.

And she over-shared
about a lot of things.

But, in the end,
she said that you missed me.

So, do you?

'Cause I sure do miss
the hell out of you, kid.

-Hey, Pen, I got those
double-"A" batteries
you asked for.

Oh, my God!
Max?! You're back?!

[ Grunts ]
Buddy, I missed you so much!

Yes, yes, yes!
Exactly!