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1
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,509
(birds singing)
2
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,415
- Mm.
- (exhales)
3
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,887
Yes, another glorious Sunday.
4
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,889
Oh. Scone for my muffin?
5
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,099
Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
6
00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:26,159
And for you,
five breakfast burritos.
7
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:29,429
Ah, the Voltron.
8
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:31,532
Our lives are
in perfect balance.
9
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,033
(knocking)
10
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,936
Oh, it is just last‐second
birthday gift shoppers.
11
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,771
Ignore them.
12
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,241
I know you're in there,
you lazy dork.
13
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:43,243
I can smell the burritos!
(sniffing)
14
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,245
Four. No! Five!
15
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,247
They can't be closed.
We're booked solid
16
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,816
with birthday parties today,
and we have no presents.
17
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,885
Don't worry, I got this.
18
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,921
Auto Trader for the girls.
19
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,923
Adult Escort Express
for the boys.
20
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:57,457
Kids are adults, right?
21
00:00:57,524 --> 00:01:00,060
Fine, fine, whatever.
Let's just go.
22
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,032
Let us wander as aimlessly
as the plots
23
00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,668
of the four
upcoming Avatar sequels...
24
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,336
I can only assume.
25
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,439
I love your contempt
for things that don't matter.
26
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,107
(moaning)
27
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,745
♪ ♪
28
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,381
(gasps)
29
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,250
Do you hear that?
30
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,186
Ah, silence.
31
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,756
(children laughing, shouting)
32
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:30,924
(Homer panting)
33
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,793
HOMER:
Come on, let's go.
34
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,362
Time to go
to Milhouse's puppy party.
35
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,031
If we go late,
you'll get a crappy dog.
36
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,033
That's it, I'm coming in.
37
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:44,571
Ow! No! Ow! No!
That's where I had my surgery!
38
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,807
(upbeat jazz playing)
39
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,345
- (toddlers bawling)
- (others shouting)
40
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:57,584
Mm! Miyazaki marathon with
chilled lobster spring rolls.
41
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,186
Mm, mm.
42
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:07,894
Oh, crap!
43
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,064
I just realized I
haven't eaten anything all day.
44
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,433
They're out of pizza,
but I built you a slice
45
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:14,935
out of trash scraps.
46
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,838
Well, hide me behind your coat
while I eat it.
47
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,906
(chomping, grunting)
48
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,909
I need to be around grown‐ups.
49
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,711
BOY:
Excuse me.
50
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,780
You just passed my street.
51
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,449
Who the hell are you?
52
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:31,418
Leland Huebner III.
53
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,420
Go back and get Bart.
54
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,622
Hold on,
this one seems all right.
55
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,258
A little stuck up,
but all right.
56
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,962
Thanks so much for the
last‐minute dinner invitation.
57
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,064
There never was any dinner.
You fell for a scam.
58
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,433
You're babysitting.
No money.
59
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,069
MARGE (gasps):
Adults!
60
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,772
- Pull over!
- (tires screech)
61
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:58,311
Wow, Moe, you really gussy up
the place for trivia night.
62
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,247
Hey, where are the regulars?
63
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,082
Ah, keg storage.
64
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,951
- Hey! We're thirsty!
- (grunts)
65
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:07,921
BARNEY:
Thank you.
66
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,524
I've always wanted to do
a trivia.
67
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,793
Who knows what I might know?
68
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,899
Please, join our team.
69
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,901
(quietly):
But they're noobs.
70
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:24,771
Even the humble noob has a place
in the seasons of trivia.
71
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:28,575
Ooh. Once again
I am in awe of your decency.
72
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,010
All right, all right, weirdos.
73
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,012
I want to welcome you dorks
to trivia night.
74
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,614
Now, shut your nerd faces
for the first question.
75
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,250
"List the four players
with the most fighting penalties
76
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,386
in NHL history."
77
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:40,687
Oh, sports.
78
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,923
The very lowest genus
of trivium.
79
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,791
Let's see. Tie Domi,
Dave "Tiger" Williams,
80
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,498
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz,
and, of course,
81
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:48,929
Stu "The Grim Reaper"
Grimson. Duh.
82
00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:53,900
All right, next category:
20th Century Vacuum Cleaners.
83
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,969
Just give me the pencil.
84
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:58,371
"The mascot
for this Boston‐based..."
85
00:03:58,438 --> 00:04:00,841
Cuppy, the Dunkin' Donuts
coffee cup.
86
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,909
"This English
prog rock supergroup
87
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:06,513
scored a hit
with 1970's "Lucky Man."
88
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,514
Emerson!
89
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,515
Lake!
90
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,516
And!
91
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,517
Palmer!
92
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,585
(whooping, laughing)
93
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:12,819
Okay, okay.
94
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,921
And the winning team is...
95
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,023
"Han Shot First."
What does that mean?
96
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,726
- Is that dirty?
- It's from Star Wars.
97
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,728
I never heard of it.
I‐Is it dirty?
98
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,730
Who cares, who cares.
Here's your trophy.
99
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,132
(cheering)
100
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,035
To fat guys with hot wives.
101
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,438
This one's for you, Kevin James.
102
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,077
Take a poncho.
103
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,614
I always carry extras in case
Homer eats anything slurpable.
104
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,582
That's so clever.
105
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:46,086
What other big‐and‐tall
"wife hacks" do you have?
106
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:50,090
Oh, I've got all kinds of tricks
for fat‐proofing your house.
107
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,459
Come over sometime
and I'll show you.
108
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:55,128
My chashu!
109
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,364
(chomping, sighing)
110
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:01,034
See? Here I've welded
high‐tensile steel
111
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:04,571
under the cushions
to reduce sofa‐sag.
112
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,508
I've lost a lot of furniture
to chubby hubby couch droop.
113
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:11,044
(Maggie fussing over monitor)
114
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,046
Oh, Maggie's up.
115
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,582
Can you go sit with her
while I warm a bottle?
116
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,418
Oh, but I don't know much
about babies.
117
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,520
Except how to dress like one.
118
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:23,190
(fussing continues)
119
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,891
All is well.
120
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,092
Silence.
121
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,828
You are loved!
122
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,930
(bawling)
123
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,803
(laughing)
124
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:46,813
(singing Japanese lullaby)
125
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,887
Look how much she likes you.
126
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,789
You're a natural.
127
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,693
I just remembered something
I must tell my husband.
128
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,962
Impregnate me at once!
129
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:05,699
But you never wanted children.
130
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:08,068
You always said our marriage
is perfect as it is.
131
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:12,706
I mean, can you imagine a child
playing in this room?
132
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,875
Uh, it's full of toys.
133
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,010
Yes, well, but yeah,
but it's selfish
134
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,213
to bring a new life into a world
with diminishing resources.
135
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,749
The planet is running out
of watchable IP!
136
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,252
They say by 2028
all we will have left
137
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,654
is the General Mills
Cinematic Universe
138
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,823
starring Hamburger Helper.
139
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,825
If I can't convince you,
140
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,594
maybe she can.
141
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:37,264
(gasps)
Greta, the sexy Gremlin
142
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,233
from the underappreciated‐
but‐still‐terrible Gremlins 2.
143
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,568
(gasps weakly)
144
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:44,237
I know this is
your ultimate fantasy.
145
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:47,274
It's time to feed your desires
146
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,775
after midnight.
147
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:52,245
♪ ♪
148
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,880
I must resist.
149
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,349
My will is stronger
than The Great Resisto,
150
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,452
a hero I am inventing
as I reference him.
151
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:02,856
Uh, my darling, my darling,
I am sorry.
152
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,159
But I have spent every working
hour of my life around children,
153
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,161
and one thing
I know for certain:
154
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:10,497
I don't want any.
155
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,633
- (camera clicks)
- And... banked.
156
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,537
I want a baby.
157
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,540
I don't want a baby!
(sobbing)
158
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,515
Kumiko's baby fever is
out of control.
159
00:07:29,217 --> 00:07:30,719
Look at all these comments
she left.
160
00:07:30,786 --> 00:07:32,955
It goes really quick
from smiley face
161
00:07:33,021 --> 00:07:36,024
to "Without a baby,
all is horror."
162
00:07:36,091 --> 00:07:39,027
- (groans)
- Well, I think Comic Book Guy
163
00:07:39,672 --> 00:07:41,107
should have kids.
164
00:07:41,174 --> 00:07:43,309
Oh, that's so sweet.
165
00:07:43,376 --> 00:07:45,311
'Cause screw that jerk!
166
00:07:45,378 --> 00:07:48,981
Thinks his childless life
is so great just because it is.
167
00:07:49,048 --> 00:07:50,616
Wakes up whenever he wants.
168
00:07:50,683 --> 00:07:53,419
Doesn't have to lug car seats
onto the plane.
169
00:07:53,486 --> 00:07:56,122
He can store poison in the
fridge so it's nice and cold.
170
00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:58,758
And don't get me started
on their sex life.
171
00:07:58,824 --> 00:08:00,760
They can do it anywhere:
172
00:08:00,826 --> 00:08:04,063
kitchen floor, bathroom floor,
on the microwave.
173
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:07,867
Set that baby on "popcorn."
Pop! Pop! Pop!
174
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:10,369
So... we'll help them?
175
00:08:10,436 --> 00:08:13,739
Anything
to destroy their paradise.
176
00:08:19,779 --> 00:08:21,714
Remember, it's up to you two
177
00:08:21,781 --> 00:08:24,450
to make children seem
like a blessing.
178
00:08:24,517 --> 00:08:27,720
Got it. And when she pops out
that kid, we each get a 20.
179
00:08:27,787 --> 00:08:30,856
- Or equivalent gift card.
- BART: Whoa! That's the stuff.
180
00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:34,760
Oh, look,
it's our trivia buddies!
181
00:08:34,827 --> 00:08:37,730
You see movies
at the same cemetery we do?
182
00:08:37,797 --> 00:08:40,366
What a pleasant surprise.
(giggles)
183
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:41,734
Speaking of children,
184
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:45,171
these two were completely
planned and wanted.
185
00:08:47,873 --> 00:08:49,742
Shrug, he shrugged.
186
00:08:49,809 --> 00:08:52,044
Uh, why don't we get
some more snacks?
187
00:08:53,779 --> 00:08:55,781
Hello, little azuki bean.
188
00:08:55,848 --> 00:08:58,117
(Maggie giggles)
189
00:08:58,184 --> 00:08:59,752
Yo, Kingpin!
190
00:08:59,819 --> 00:09:01,287
How's the ponytail hanging?
191
00:09:01,354 --> 00:09:03,889
Don't patronize me,
Bart and She‐Bart.
192
00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:06,325
I need silence
to watch the iconic '80s
193
00:09:06,392 --> 00:09:09,028
time travel epic,
Forward to the Past.
194
00:09:09,095 --> 00:09:11,063
Never heard of it.
Is it any good?
195
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:14,100
Okay, it's a consensus
top ten family action comedy
196
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:16,102
that has been delighting
bedwetting piglets
197
00:09:16,168 --> 00:09:17,870
like yourself for eons!
198
00:09:17,937 --> 00:09:21,073
Feh! Wah! Hooof!
And again, feh!
199
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,075
- Oh.
- Huh.
200
00:09:23,142 --> 00:09:26,579
It's so sweet you're helping
the Book Guys become a family.
201
00:09:26,646 --> 00:09:28,748
I mean, without kids, come on,
202
00:09:28,814 --> 00:09:30,383
they're just dating
with rings on.
203
00:09:30,449 --> 00:09:31,717
(Homer chuckles)
204
00:09:31,784 --> 00:09:35,388
Oh, Marge, I love your takes.
205
00:09:35,454 --> 00:09:37,023
Ooh, model crypt.
206
00:09:37,089 --> 00:09:40,426
Fancy! Want to see
how the other half dies?
207
00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,428
(gasps)
Oh!
208
00:09:42,495 --> 00:09:44,630
We can return to our time
209
00:09:44,697 --> 00:09:46,766
if we can just get
this paddle steamer
210
00:09:46,832 --> 00:09:48,768
up to 99 miles an hour.
211
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:51,370
Is that relative
to the shore or the water?
212
00:09:51,437 --> 00:09:54,140
Great Steve, Mickey!
I don't know!
213
00:09:54,206 --> 00:09:57,643
Golfer Aoki, four letters.
214
00:09:57,710 --> 00:09:58,744
(gasps)
"Isao."
215
00:09:58,811 --> 00:10:00,379
Hello? Hello?!
216
00:10:00,446 --> 00:10:02,581
The show is up there,
not on your lap.
217
00:10:02,648 --> 00:10:04,092
Look, I got to be honest.
I only like movies
218
00:10:04,116 --> 00:10:05,751
where Deadpool talks
to the camera,
219
00:10:05,818 --> 00:10:07,553
so I'm watching Deadpool.
220
00:10:07,620 --> 00:10:09,822
Okay, eyes up, TikToks!
221
00:10:09,889 --> 00:10:12,792
Tonight, you watch a screen
that is unswipeable!
222
00:10:16,629 --> 00:10:17,797
(both groan)
223
00:10:19,298 --> 00:10:22,301
Premium sound system. Sweet.
224
00:10:22,368 --> 00:10:24,670
(smooth jazz plays)
225
00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:26,138
Honey, just think.
226
00:10:26,205 --> 00:10:27,640
Someday, you and I will be
227
00:10:27,707 --> 00:10:30,343
snuggling next
to each other for eternity.
228
00:10:30,409 --> 00:10:33,679
Oh, Homie, I never
thought about it that way.
229
00:10:33,746 --> 00:10:35,581
(Marge moaning)
230
00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:36,982
(Homer moans)
231
00:10:37,049 --> 00:10:40,319
'Till death do each other.
232
00:10:40,386 --> 00:10:42,521
(both moaning)
233
00:10:42,588 --> 00:10:46,192
Rivers? Where we're going,
we don't need rivers.
234
00:10:46,258 --> 00:10:49,261
(dramatic music plays)
235
00:10:55,668 --> 00:10:57,103
Yes, all right,
you little trolls.
236
00:10:57,169 --> 00:10:59,772
If you must,
tear the classic down
237
00:10:59,839 --> 00:11:02,708
with your snarky little remarks.
Go.
238
00:11:02,775 --> 00:11:05,945
An emotionally satisfying
ending.
239
00:11:06,011 --> 00:11:08,881
Are you sure
this is an American movie?
240
00:11:08,948 --> 00:11:10,616
I can't believe it.
241
00:11:10,683 --> 00:11:12,785
I... cared what happened.
242
00:11:14,387 --> 00:11:16,889
Oh. What is that thrill
I'm feeling?
243
00:11:16,956 --> 00:11:20,960
You are experiencing this movie
again for the first time,
244
00:11:21,026 --> 00:11:23,396
but through the eyes
of children.
245
00:11:23,462 --> 00:11:25,664
♪ ♪
246
00:11:31,137 --> 00:11:34,273
Oh, Homie,
that was so dangerous.
247
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:36,609
I feel like Mrs. Dracula.
248
00:11:36,675 --> 00:11:38,511
I definitely had a...
249
00:11:38,577 --> 00:11:40,813
(Dracula voice):
good evening.
250
00:11:41,847 --> 00:11:43,582
Hey, it's locked.
251
00:11:43,649 --> 00:11:45,418
(gasps)
Oh, no!
252
00:11:45,484 --> 00:11:48,087
We're trapped
in a crypt full of...
253
00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:49,789
smooth jazz.
254
00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:51,857
(smooth jazz plays)
255
00:11:56,862 --> 00:11:58,631
Little known trivia:
256
00:11:58,697 --> 00:12:01,600
the time travel vehicle
was originally a tanning booth.
257
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:04,470
- Whoa!
- That's crazy!
258
00:12:04,537 --> 00:12:06,972
The little ones love
your useless knowledge.
259
00:12:07,039 --> 00:12:10,476
Yes, my factoid will be
passed on for generations,
260
00:12:10,543 --> 00:12:13,546
and in that way,
I will never truly die.
261
00:12:13,612 --> 00:12:16,549
(sighs)
You know, maybe I was wrong
262
00:12:16,615 --> 00:12:20,286
to dismiss the idea
of children so... so quickly.
263
00:12:20,352 --> 00:12:21,987
(gasps)
Do you mean it?
264
00:12:22,054 --> 00:12:24,089
Hurry. Let's return
these loaner kids
265
00:12:24,156 --> 00:12:27,460
and go home
to make a mixed‐race nerd.
266
00:12:27,526 --> 00:12:31,297
Hey, shouldn't Mom and Dad
be showing up about now?
267
00:12:32,731 --> 00:12:36,235
Mom? Dad? Where are you?!
268
00:12:36,302 --> 00:12:38,604
We are in a cemetery,
269
00:12:38,671 --> 00:12:40,773
so maybe
they were attacked by zombies.
270
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,476
Stop it! Stop saying that!
271
00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:45,077
(sing‐songy):
Our parents are undead.
272
00:12:45,144 --> 00:12:47,446
Dad will eat your head.
273
00:12:47,513 --> 00:12:48,781
(Lisa cries)
274
00:12:48,848 --> 00:12:50,282
(sinister cackling)
275
00:12:50,349 --> 00:12:51,517
(doors rattling)
276
00:12:51,584 --> 00:12:53,519
(grunting)
277
00:12:53,586 --> 00:12:55,754
HOMER (zombie‐like):
Let us out!
278
00:12:55,821 --> 00:12:58,591
Great Steve! They are zombies!
279
00:12:58,657 --> 00:13:01,093
(both yell)
280
00:13:02,528 --> 00:13:05,364
(both sobbing)
281
00:13:05,431 --> 00:13:07,600
They demand...
emotional support.
282
00:13:07,666 --> 00:13:09,101
You can do it.
283
00:13:09,168 --> 00:13:10,603
Give them comfort.
284
00:13:10,669 --> 00:13:12,238
(both crying)
285
00:13:12,304 --> 00:13:15,107
Must... act like...
loving father.
286
00:13:16,175 --> 00:13:17,843
I flee.
287
00:13:21,313 --> 00:13:23,649
But you caved!
288
00:13:25,885 --> 00:13:29,622
BOTH:
Mom! Dad! You're okay!
289
00:13:29,688 --> 00:13:30,923
Hey, where'd the dork go?
290
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:32,958
Your children's emotional needs
291
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,460
have pushed him away.
292
00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:37,563
If I know him, and I don't,
293
00:13:37,630 --> 00:13:39,298
I'm sure he'll be back.
294
00:13:39,365 --> 00:13:43,702
No. He has run to a place
where there is no hope.
295
00:13:49,842 --> 00:13:52,478
I have returned. Forever.
296
00:13:52,545 --> 00:13:55,814
Your room is unchanged...
as are your sheets.
297
00:14:02,288 --> 00:14:04,557
So... your husband ran away
to his childhood home,
298
00:14:05,331 --> 00:14:07,000
leaving you alone.
299
00:14:07,066 --> 00:14:09,102
Maybe forever.
Also, childless.
300
00:14:09,168 --> 00:14:10,403
(groans)
301
00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:12,572
I'm sure you're experiencing
302
00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:14,774
a lot of feelings right now.
303
00:14:14,841 --> 00:14:16,809
It's okay to let them out.
304
00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:19,078
(inhales and exhales loudly)
305
00:14:19,145 --> 00:14:22,181
I hate you,
you shameless womb tease!
306
00:14:22,248 --> 00:14:24,117
You're like a baby drug dealer!
307
00:14:24,183 --> 00:14:27,320
You give me a taste,
and now I'm hooked!
308
00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:29,122
This is on you, too!
309
00:14:29,188 --> 00:14:31,958
You've crushed
my only chance at happiness,
310
00:14:32,025 --> 00:14:34,594
you ape‐faced
cheeseburger goblin!
311
00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:37,130
(muffled whimper)
312
00:14:37,196 --> 00:14:38,631
Make this right.
313
00:14:38,698 --> 00:14:40,700
Bring back my husband!
314
00:14:47,373 --> 00:14:50,343
Whoa. So this is where
Comic Book Guy grew up.
315
00:14:50,410 --> 00:14:53,880
We'll finally see what kind
of "its" created a "that."
316
00:14:53,946 --> 00:14:55,214
(doorbell rings)
317
00:14:55,281 --> 00:14:57,150
- (door squeaks open)
- (both yelp)
318
00:14:57,216 --> 00:15:01,387
Ah, you must be delivering
my 1912 Polish coronation stamp.
319
00:15:01,454 --> 00:15:03,089
Actually,
we're looking for someone
320
00:15:03,156 --> 00:15:05,124
we call "Comic Book Guy."
321
00:15:05,191 --> 00:15:08,928
Enter.
My son is in here... somewhere.
322
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:12,131
Oh, well, thank you, Mr., uh...
323
00:15:12,198 --> 00:15:15,335
You may refer to me
as "Postage Stamp Fellow."
324
00:15:19,172 --> 00:15:21,407
What is this crazy place?
325
00:15:26,879 --> 00:15:28,314
BOB BALABAN:
This crazy place
326
00:15:28,381 --> 00:15:30,016
is Comic Book Guy's
childhood home.
327
00:15:30,083 --> 00:15:32,085
An only child,
he grew up surrounded
328
00:15:32,151 --> 00:15:36,022
by an eccentric extended family
of childless aunts and uncles.
329
00:15:36,089 --> 00:15:39,325
However, his family poured their
love into their collections,
330
00:15:39,392 --> 00:15:42,762
instead of into the lonely
little boy wandering the halls.
331
00:15:42,829 --> 00:15:46,532
His aunt collected taxidermized
chestnut‐tailed starlings,
332
00:15:46,599 --> 00:15:49,769
causing her to form a tacit
alliance with her twin brother,
333
00:15:49,836 --> 00:15:52,038
who collected
brutalist birdhouses.
334
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,975
His great step‐uncle,
335
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:58,378
who had once had his heart
broken by a meter maid,
336
00:15:58,444 --> 00:16:01,981
was a gatherer of discredited
obstetric equipment,
337
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,616
while his younger dowager aunt
338
00:16:03,683 --> 00:16:06,119
collected antique
Chinese cricket boxes
339
00:16:06,185 --> 00:16:07,820
and filled them
with live crickets,
340
00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:09,989
who frequently escaped.
341
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,767
- (cricket chirping)
- The only thing of value
342
00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:14,994
the family did not display
in the home was love.
343
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,630
And the love he sought most
was that of his father,
344
00:16:17,697 --> 00:16:20,633
who spent his days
as an avid philatelist.
345
00:16:23,302 --> 00:16:26,172
(sighs sadly)
346
00:16:36,649 --> 00:16:40,453
Mint. Mint.
Near mint. Very fine.
347
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,089
Hi, um, there.
348
00:16:43,156 --> 00:16:46,626
Maybe you might feel better
if you came home with us?
349
00:16:46,692 --> 00:16:48,261
I am home.
From now on,
350
00:16:48,327 --> 00:16:50,930
my only companion is
my comic book collection.
351
00:16:50,997 --> 00:16:52,965
Mint. Mint. Near mint.
352
00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:55,034
- Gem mint. Mint. Mint...
- (Marge sighs)
353
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,870
- Look at the sad little boy.
- Mint. Mint. Mint. Mint.
354
00:16:57,937 --> 00:17:00,506
- Is that you?
- Mint. Mint.
355
00:17:00,573 --> 00:17:03,109
Worst... day... ever!
356
00:17:03,176 --> 00:17:06,879
There's got to be more
to this story.
357
00:17:06,946 --> 00:17:08,614
BOB BALABAN:
There was more to this story.
358
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:13,786
Without anyone to play with, the
lonely boy turned to baseball.
359
00:17:13,853 --> 00:17:15,888
His favorite pitcher
was Sandy Koufax,
360
00:17:15,955 --> 00:17:18,991
and he perfected a curveball
of rare devastation.
361
00:17:19,058 --> 00:17:22,595
However, his team
would never give him a chance.
362
00:17:22,662 --> 00:17:24,597
But on the day
before the big game,
363
00:17:24,664 --> 00:17:27,600
all the starting pitchers were
injured in a multi‐canoe pile‐up
364
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:31,404
caused by the sighting of an
unusually large lake sturgeon.
365
00:17:33,539 --> 00:17:35,741
He got the call to pitch.
366
00:17:35,808 --> 00:17:37,928
His dearest hope was that
his father would finally see
367
00:17:37,977 --> 00:17:40,179
his masterful curveball
in action.
368
00:17:40,246 --> 00:17:42,982
But during the biggest moment
of his young life,
369
00:17:43,049 --> 00:17:46,185
his dad was nowhere to be seen.
370
00:18:10,276 --> 00:18:11,978
He escaped his sadness
371
00:18:12,044 --> 00:18:15,481
into a world of heroes,
villains and Jugheads.
372
00:18:18,651 --> 00:18:22,388
In that moment, he became more
than a boy but less than a man.
373
00:18:23,723 --> 00:18:26,192
He became Comic Book Guy.
374
00:18:27,827 --> 00:18:29,962
Marge then confronted
Postage Stamp Fellow
375
00:18:30,029 --> 00:18:32,932
about this life‐changing
incident with his son.
376
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:35,034
What? Oh. Okay.
377
00:18:37,904 --> 00:18:41,073
Why weren't you there
for your son when he needed you?
378
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,776
This is not a family
to rummage through the past.
379
00:18:43,843 --> 00:18:45,678
Emotionally.
380
00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:48,748
You tell me why you didn't go
to your son's baseball game,
381
00:18:48,814 --> 00:18:50,149
or I'll lick it.
382
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:51,817
My Inverted Dendermonde?
383
00:18:51,884 --> 00:18:53,185
You wouldn't dare!
384
00:18:53,252 --> 00:18:54,921
(whimpering)
385
00:18:54,987 --> 00:18:56,298
All right, all right!
I'll tell you!
386
00:18:56,322 --> 00:18:58,357
I was buying him that.
387
00:19:01,527 --> 00:19:03,963
Go ahead. Tell him.
388
00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:05,932
I didn't go to your game,
389
00:19:05,998 --> 00:19:07,934
because I was afraid
if you lost,
390
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,403
I wouldn't know how
to comfort you.
391
00:19:10,469 --> 00:19:12,972
So I supported you
the only way I knew how.
392
00:19:13,039 --> 00:19:14,740
I purchased you a collectible.
393
00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:16,776
Which I never had the heart
to give you.
394
00:19:16,842 --> 00:19:19,579
(gasps)
Sandy Koufax,
395
00:19:19,645 --> 00:19:21,747
the left arm of God!
396
00:19:21,814 --> 00:19:24,917
Son, perhaps we should
do something we've never done.
397
00:19:24,984 --> 00:19:26,452
Have a catch?
398
00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:28,387
I think I would like that.
399
00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:34,126
- Ow!
- Ow!
400
00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:38,097
Everyone,
my son and I are having a catch.
401
00:19:38,164 --> 00:19:41,200
BOB BALABAN:
Love was finally on display.
402
00:19:42,201 --> 00:19:43,836
- Ow.
- Ow.
403
00:19:43,903 --> 00:19:48,741
Well, maybe Comic Book Guy won't
be so afraid to be a father.
404
00:19:48,808 --> 00:19:50,109
(chuckles)
405
00:19:50,176 --> 00:19:51,811
Sucker.
406
00:19:51,877 --> 00:19:53,879
(crying)
407
00:19:55,348 --> 00:19:57,984
Wife, I have returned...
healed!
408
00:19:58,050 --> 00:20:00,953
I am now...
Changed Better Guy.
409
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:03,756
(gasps)
My ultimate fantasy.
410
00:20:03,823 --> 00:20:07,660
Mr. Beaver from The Lion,the Witch and the Wardrobe.
411
00:20:07,727 --> 00:20:10,196
You are ready to make a baby.
412
00:20:10,262 --> 00:20:12,932
♪ ♪
413
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:17,903
(instrumental intro
to "Ooh La La" plays)
414
00:20:35,755 --> 00:20:38,157
♪ Poor old Granddad ♪
415
00:20:38,224 --> 00:20:41,394
♪ I laughed at all his words ♪
416
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:44,797
♪ I thought he wasa bitter man ♪
417
00:20:44,864 --> 00:20:46,799
♪ He spoke of women's ways... ♪
418
00:20:51,437 --> 00:20:53,639
♪ They trap youand they use you ♪
419
00:20:53,706 --> 00:20:56,842
♪ Before you even know ♪
420
00:20:56,909 --> 00:20:59,645
♪ But love is blindand you're far too kind ♪
421
00:20:59,712 --> 00:21:02,848
♪ Don't ever let it show ♪
422
00:21:02,915 --> 00:21:07,653
♪ I wish that I knewwhat I know now ♪
423
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,755
♪ When I was younger ♪
424
00:21:09,822 --> 00:21:14,026
♪ I wish that I knewwhat I know now ♪
425
00:21:14,093 --> 00:21:15,928
♪ When I was stronger ♪
426
00:21:15,995 --> 00:21:18,764
♪ The can‐can'ssuch a pretty show ♪
427
00:21:18,831 --> 00:21:22,001
♪ Will steal your heart away ♪
428
00:21:22,068 --> 00:21:25,771
♪ But backstageback on Earth again ♪
429
00:21:25,838 --> 00:21:28,374
♪ The dressing rooms are gray ♪
430
00:21:28,441 --> 00:21:30,776
♪ They come on strongand it ain't too... ♪
431
00:21:30,843 --> 00:21:31,844
Shh!
432
00:21:31,894 --> 00:21:36,444
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