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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,421 --> 00:00:11,981 FOOTSTEPS APPROACH 2 00:00:13,261 --> 00:00:15,061 Hey, Mom. 3 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:18,581 Sorry I'm late. Forgot what cabs are like upstate. 4 00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:20,181 I'm in no rush. 5 00:00:22,741 --> 00:00:24,901 Oh, fuck me, look at you. 6 00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:28,421 How do you get more beautiful with age? Is it just you? 7 00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,821 Ruth can't fly. Course. 8 00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:32,381 I'm only her mother. 9 00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:35,701 She's about to give birth. Already? 10 00:00:35,781 --> 00:00:37,261 I guess you'll have to do. 11 00:00:42,021 --> 00:00:46,221 So how are you feeling? That feels like a leading question. 12 00:00:46,301 --> 00:00:48,781 I feel ready to go. 13 00:00:48,861 --> 00:00:50,941 I've been here for six weeks, alone. 14 00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:53,381 Mom, I live in London. 15 00:00:53,461 --> 00:00:56,301 I have a job. I called the centre. 16 00:00:56,381 --> 00:00:58,021 I arranged for you to come here. 17 00:00:58,101 --> 00:00:59,301 They actually said that it was 18 00:00:59,341 --> 00:01:01,637 better to come see you on your way out than on your way in. 19 00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:04,141 Well, I'm sure they know best. 20 00:01:04,221 --> 00:01:06,701 So how, was it? How was what? This place. 21 00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:09,341 Did they take care of you? It was fine. 22 00:01:10,861 --> 00:01:13,701 Well, you're welcome. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 23 00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,181 Did you want a thank you? 24 00:01:17,061 --> 00:01:19,341 I am. I'm so, so grateful. 25 00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:21,821 I really, really am. I... 26 00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:24,181 I'm just tired, you know? 27 00:01:24,261 --> 00:01:27,501 This place is a fuck of a long way from Manhattan. 28 00:01:27,581 --> 00:01:29,421 I suppose you did that on purpose. 29 00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:33,461 So how are you feeling? Peachy. 30 00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:47,381 I have a theory that cats are the 31 00:01:47,461 --> 00:01:49,941 most successfully-evolved creatures on the planet. 32 00:01:50,021 --> 00:01:51,781 They do whatever they like. 33 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:53,501 They go wherever they like. 34 00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:54,781 I mean, even a dog you've got 35 00:01:54,861 --> 00:01:56,581 to put on a lead. You ever tried 36 00:01:56,661 --> 00:01:57,821 to put a lead on a cat? 37 00:01:57,901 --> 00:01:59,181 I have. 38 00:01:59,261 --> 00:02:00,821 Tea? Do you have coffee? 39 00:02:00,901 --> 00:02:02,381 They can do whatever they like, and 40 00:02:02,461 --> 00:02:03,981 then they have these human slaves. 41 00:02:04,061 --> 00:02:05,981 Who follow them around and give 'em 42 00:02:06,061 --> 00:02:07,661 a warm bed and regular meals 43 00:02:07,741 --> 00:02:10,341 and clean up their shit. 44 00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:12,581 Mike, why are you called American Mike? 45 00:02:12,661 --> 00:02:15,661 There were two Michaels in my class at school. 46 00:02:16,741 --> 00:02:17,741 Is that it? 47 00:02:17,821 --> 00:02:19,501 Er, I used to have terrible 48 00:02:19,581 --> 00:02:21,501 chapped hands when I was a kid. 49 00:02:21,581 --> 00:02:23,701 My mum made me wear these 50 00:02:23,781 --> 00:02:25,861 black leather gloves. 51 00:02:25,941 --> 00:02:28,181 Gary Goodman said they looked like 52 00:02:28,261 --> 00:02:29,981 the gloves that OJ Simpson 53 00:02:30,061 --> 00:02:31,341 used to murder his wife. 54 00:02:31,421 --> 00:02:33,501 Anyway, bit of bad news. 55 00:02:33,581 --> 00:02:35,061 Doctor Dick's having his 56 00:02:35,141 --> 00:02:36,501 gall bladder removed. 57 00:02:36,581 --> 00:02:38,141 So I'm a little bit behind 58 00:02:38,221 --> 00:02:40,061 on my supply. What? 59 00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:42,021 No, don't panic. I've got a plan B. 60 00:02:42,101 --> 00:02:43,277 I just might not be able to get 'em 61 00:02:43,301 --> 00:02:44,581 to you till this afternoon. 62 00:02:44,661 --> 00:02:45,941 I got the rest of it. 63 00:02:46,021 --> 00:02:47,821 Got you some extra Ambien cos you 64 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,341 said the last lot weren't working, 65 00:02:49,421 --> 00:02:50,701 but I don't need to tell you how 66 00:02:50,741 --> 00:02:52,221 easy this stuff is to get hooked on. 67 00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:53,661 So only use it when you 68 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:56,341 absolutely need to. Promise? Promise. 69 00:02:58,581 --> 00:03:00,421 Thanks for the, tea. 70 00:03:00,501 --> 00:03:02,901 Text me when that stuff gets in, yeah? Right. 71 00:03:10,101 --> 00:03:11,621 Robyn, you son of a bitch. 72 00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:14,501 This is Melissa. How's London? Is it raining? 73 00:03:14,581 --> 00:03:17,381 So, listen, I got your message about Gabriel Cole. 74 00:03:17,461 --> 00:03:20,181 I don't wanna get into it on the phone, but he had a thing 75 00:03:20,261 --> 00:03:22,821 with one of the girls in the office here, and he got intense. 76 00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:26,461 Put it like this - he's a man who likes to get his own way. 77 00:03:29,541 --> 00:03:30,701 Hey. 78 00:03:32,141 --> 00:03:35,661 Mmm, naughty. I have to work. 79 00:03:44,861 --> 00:03:47,621 HE URINATES Don't mind me. Stay tonight. 80 00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:50,581 I can't. Stay tonight. 81 00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:53,381 Gabriel, I've been here for two nights in a row. I need to go home. 82 00:03:53,461 --> 00:03:55,661 I need clothes. I'll buy you new clothes. 83 00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:58,541 I don't need new clothes, I need my clothes. 84 00:03:58,621 --> 00:04:01,061 Well, see, they will be your clothes. 85 00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,861 Where, were we? Wash your hands. 86 00:04:34,181 --> 00:04:37,821 Ladies, this is William Pendelton and Beth Fennell. 87 00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:39,781 Sorry. 88 00:04:41,701 --> 00:04:45,981 William is planning to run for mayor at the next London election, 89 00:04:46,061 --> 00:04:48,341 and wants us to handle his campaign. 90 00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:50,821 Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase. 91 00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:55,141 I want to be party leader in six years, Prime Minister in eight. 92 00:04:55,221 --> 00:04:58,421 That's the golden goose we're fattening up here. 93 00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,701 London Mayor is the first step to making that happen. 94 00:05:00,781 --> 00:05:02,981 We don't really do campaign politics. Exactly. 95 00:05:03,061 --> 00:05:05,821 That's why you're perfect. Politics doesn't do politics any more. 96 00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:08,061 It's all about PR. 97 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,861 The last thing people want these days is a politician. 98 00:05:10,941 --> 00:05:12,141 Give them the stats, Beth. 99 00:05:12,221 --> 00:05:15,181 Greater London represents 73 UK constituencies. 100 00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:18,781 It's also home to 59% of the black population of the UK. 101 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:21,861 If we could engage those voters, we would have a significant advantage. 102 00:05:21,941 --> 00:05:25,341 And I have something none of my fellow candidates can offer. 103 00:05:25,421 --> 00:05:27,341 I'm urban. 104 00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:29,541 The mistake everyone is making these days is 105 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,301 pandering to the old people, who are living too long 106 00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:35,381 and growing more and more conservative-slash-racist with age. 107 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:38,381 You don't need to be a genius to figure out there will be 108 00:05:38,461 --> 00:05:40,341 a tipping point. Old people die. 109 00:05:40,421 --> 00:05:42,181 Young people come of age. 110 00:05:42,261 --> 00:05:44,821 We believe within the next seven years, 111 00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:47,901 as generation alpha reaches voting age, the pendulum will swing 112 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,661 significantly enough to command a majority. 113 00:05:49,741 --> 00:05:53,781 And then all hail Mayor William, who shalt be king hereafter. 114 00:05:56,581 --> 00:05:57,861 HE CLEARS THROAT 115 00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,901 Look, look, these kids have grown up woke. 116 00:06:01,701 --> 00:06:04,421 They spent their whole teenage years listening to the adults 117 00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:07,901 argue about Brexit and #MeToo and Trump and climate change, 118 00:06:07,981 --> 00:06:09,581 whilst not doing a thing about it, 119 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,101 and, as a result, they're frustrated. They're angry. 120 00:06:12,181 --> 00:06:15,501 Which means they'll vote. And the good thing about these kids? 121 00:06:15,581 --> 00:06:16,781 All they care about is image. 122 00:06:16,861 --> 00:06:19,701 When was the last time you saw a young person reading a manifesto? 123 00:06:19,781 --> 00:06:22,941 Personality, not policy, wins the day. 124 00:06:23,021 --> 00:06:25,397 So long as they can feel like they're being progressive enough 125 00:06:25,421 --> 00:06:27,221 to shout about it on social media, 126 00:06:27,301 --> 00:06:29,341 they will literally take to the streets for you. 127 00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:33,301 And what's more progressive than voting for the brown guy? 128 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,221 Not to mention Beth here, campaign manager. 129 00:06:37,301 --> 00:06:39,581 She's a woman, and she's disabled. 130 00:06:40,541 --> 00:06:42,021 Show them your arm. 131 00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:43,501 No. SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 132 00:06:43,581 --> 00:06:45,461 Please stop doing this in meetings. 133 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,581 So, what do you think? 134 00:06:52,181 --> 00:06:54,661 Do you even have tea? I have wine. 135 00:06:56,661 --> 00:07:00,181 So, how's London? 136 00:07:00,261 --> 00:07:02,581 It's great, actually. You really like it there, don't you? 137 00:07:02,661 --> 00:07:04,781 Yeah, I do. Isn't it cold? 138 00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:06,501 No colder than here. 139 00:07:06,581 --> 00:07:09,501 On the shelf to left of the fridge. The little tin. 140 00:07:11,421 --> 00:07:13,181 This isn't tea. It's herbal. 141 00:07:13,261 --> 00:07:15,261 Mom, I literally just picked you up from treatment. 142 00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:16,861 Not for pot. 143 00:07:16,941 --> 00:07:19,181 Come on, baby, please! 144 00:07:19,261 --> 00:07:21,221 It relaxes me. 145 00:07:23,381 --> 00:07:25,181 That's my girl. 146 00:07:26,221 --> 00:07:28,741 So, what do you wanna do today? 147 00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:33,061 I kind of have to work. You just got here. 148 00:07:33,141 --> 00:07:36,021 Mom, the world can't just stop every time you do this. 149 00:07:36,101 --> 00:07:37,781 What's that supposed to mean? 150 00:07:37,861 --> 00:07:39,661 It's not supposed to mean anything. 151 00:07:39,741 --> 00:07:41,021 Every time I do this? 152 00:07:41,101 --> 00:07:45,101 I'm sorry, am I inconveniencing you? 153 00:07:45,181 --> 00:07:48,621 Please don't. Wait a minute. Do you think that I was crying wolf? 154 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:53,301 Because let me tell you something, sweetheart, I goddam meant it, OK? 155 00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:59,061 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just... 156 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,501 I'm anxious, you know. 157 00:08:04,181 --> 00:08:07,941 It's these new meds they have me on. They make me, ugh. 158 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,221 It's OK. 159 00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:11,301 SHE EXHALES 160 00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:22,821 God, you are so pretty. 161 00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,461 Not as pretty as you. That's true. 162 00:08:25,541 --> 00:08:27,301 But you sure are pretty. 163 00:08:32,101 --> 00:08:33,381 Are you angry? 164 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:38,861 No. It's OK. 165 00:08:38,941 --> 00:08:41,181 You're allowed to be angry. I'm not angry. 166 00:08:43,341 --> 00:08:46,741 Is Ruth angry? A little. 167 00:08:46,821 --> 00:08:48,581 Ruth doesn't do "a little". 168 00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:52,901 Wonder where she got that from. Ooh! Guilty. 169 00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:56,821 I'm sorry, we can't all be emotionally detached. 170 00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:59,901 So, let's do something fun. 171 00:08:59,981 --> 00:09:03,061 What's fun? Ooh, let's go for a carriage ride in Central Park. 172 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:04,421 Mom, I'm not paying 100 bucks 173 00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:06,781 for some tired old horse to drag us around the park. 174 00:09:06,861 --> 00:09:09,821 Fine, I'm just trying to come up with things to do. 175 00:09:09,901 --> 00:09:12,261 When do we see each other? We should do something nice. 176 00:09:12,341 --> 00:09:15,101 You should rest. I've been resting, for six weeks. 177 00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:17,581 Let's go shopping. For what? I don't know. 178 00:09:17,661 --> 00:09:19,381 Ooh. Let's get manicures. 179 00:09:19,461 --> 00:09:21,621 I have been dying to get a manicure. 180 00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,181 I don't want a manicure. 181 00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:26,861 For Christ's sake, Robyn, can you just help me out here? 182 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:28,821 You're so fucking negative. 183 00:09:31,301 --> 00:09:32,541 I'm sorry. 184 00:09:32,621 --> 00:09:35,301 I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry. 185 00:09:35,381 --> 00:09:37,781 I'm sorry. It's just... Come on. 186 00:09:39,461 --> 00:09:40,821 Everything is just... 187 00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:45,781 Everything is just, kind of a lot. 188 00:09:51,837 --> 00:09:57,357 I guess if we're focusing on London for now we need to show people 189 00:09:57,437 --> 00:10:00,277 that you're not just another polished politician in a cheap suit. 190 00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:03,597 You need to show them your London. Talk about your, your ends. 191 00:10:03,677 --> 00:10:05,557 Well, I didn't actually grow up in London. 192 00:10:05,637 --> 00:10:08,317 I'm from Buckinghamshire. I'm not going to lie. 193 00:10:08,397 --> 00:10:10,677 I went to prep school with the majority of the cabinet. 194 00:10:10,757 --> 00:10:14,477 King's scholarship to Eton, four years, classics at Balliol, Oxford. 195 00:10:14,557 --> 00:10:17,197 I know I'm not exactly, you know, Eminem, 196 00:10:17,277 --> 00:10:19,757 but I've had my fair share of scrapes. 197 00:10:19,837 --> 00:10:22,437 I've eaten my share of jerk chicken. 198 00:10:22,517 --> 00:10:25,077 OK, let's focus on your heritage. 199 00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:27,797 Where are your grandparents from? Er, Cambridgeshire. 200 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,397 Other side? Oh, right. 201 00:10:30,477 --> 00:10:32,157 Er, Ghana. Have you been? Er, no. 202 00:10:32,237 --> 00:10:34,677 No, my mother moved before I was born. 203 00:10:34,757 --> 00:10:36,213 She didn't really have any family left out there. 204 00:10:36,237 --> 00:10:37,717 Well, we're gonna need to find some. 205 00:10:37,797 --> 00:10:40,117 Second, third, fifth cousins, it doesn't matter. 206 00:10:40,197 --> 00:10:42,237 We're gonna need photos of you with them out there. 207 00:10:42,317 --> 00:10:45,037 The more, you know, Comic Relief-y the better. Got it. 208 00:10:45,117 --> 00:10:48,477 You're going to have to talk about YOUR black experience. 209 00:10:48,557 --> 00:10:53,317 The only thing is, I don't think my black experience was that... black. 210 00:10:53,397 --> 00:10:54,837 Look, Will, I don't care if you were 211 00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:57,197 born on the moon with a silver tablespoon up your arse. 212 00:10:57,277 --> 00:11:00,077 You are a black man and you have experience, 213 00:11:00,157 --> 00:11:04,317 whether it's being called brother or having your fist bumped 214 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,933 instead of your hand shook, being asked where you're really from, 215 00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:09,333 slowing down your walk home so people don't think you're going 216 00:11:09,357 --> 00:11:12,877 to mug them, being told your hair is fun, having people tell you how much 217 00:11:12,957 --> 00:11:15,637 they love R&B or Supermalt or jollof rice. 218 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,997 You are authentic, whether you know it or not. 219 00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:22,037 We just need to get under the, the skin of it. 220 00:11:22,117 --> 00:11:25,437 I mean, I will say that at school there was always the assumption 221 00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:28,517 that I'd be excellent at athletics, you know, and I'm not, 222 00:11:28,597 --> 00:11:30,357 so, you know, that was difficult. 223 00:11:30,437 --> 00:11:32,357 Ooh, wait, I think we've got it. 224 00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:34,477 We're positioning him as a crusader, right? 225 00:11:34,557 --> 00:11:37,237 An outsider who stands up for what's right in the face of adversity. 226 00:11:37,277 --> 00:11:40,837 There's a UK First protest growing outside Finsbury Park police 227 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,317 station as we speak. 228 00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:43,517 They're angry because their 229 00:11:43,597 --> 00:11:46,477 colleague has been arrested for religiously aggravated harassment? 230 00:11:46,557 --> 00:11:48,557 Posted a poo through the door of a mosque. 231 00:11:48,637 --> 00:11:51,597 Anyway, imagine black and white image, nose-to-nose 232 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,917 with the fascists. No fear for his own personal safety. 233 00:11:54,997 --> 00:11:56,437 Outmanned, outnumbered. 234 00:11:56,517 --> 00:11:59,237 Our hero delivers an impassioned speech, 235 00:11:59,317 --> 00:12:01,477 telling the protestors he understands why they're angry 236 00:12:01,517 --> 00:12:03,917 but it's the politicians who are really to blame. 237 00:12:03,997 --> 00:12:06,917 The politicians he happens to be the antidote to. A speech for the ages. 238 00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:08,757 All captured in a flurry of camera phones. 239 00:12:08,837 --> 00:12:11,557 And as a result he is viciously attacked. 240 00:12:11,637 --> 00:12:13,437 Sorry, what? Hate crime. Nice. 241 00:12:13,517 --> 00:12:14,797 Police pull him from the affray. 242 00:12:14,837 --> 00:12:16,877 Footage on repeat on every rolling news station. 243 00:12:16,957 --> 00:12:20,317 The man who stood up against the rising tide of the far right. 244 00:12:20,397 --> 00:12:22,877 You'll be a hero. A symbol. Martyr. 245 00:12:22,957 --> 00:12:25,477 Just so I'm clear, we're saying he should go and get beaten up? 246 00:12:25,557 --> 00:12:28,197 Look, couldn't I just present a MOBO or something? 247 00:12:28,277 --> 00:12:29,797 We'll set the whole thing up. Fake it. 248 00:12:29,877 --> 00:12:32,077 We'll hire an actor for you to confront at the protest. 249 00:12:32,157 --> 00:12:34,477 Actually, this could work very well for us. 250 00:12:34,557 --> 00:12:35,837 Focus groups were saying William 251 00:12:35,917 --> 00:12:37,957 needs to score better on the masculinity front, too. 252 00:12:38,037 --> 00:12:39,757 I'm sorry, what? Fun. 253 00:12:39,837 --> 00:12:43,437 We're going to need to move quickly if we want to turn this around. 254 00:12:43,517 --> 00:12:47,557 William? You think it'll give me, you know, Idris vibes? 255 00:12:47,637 --> 00:12:49,077 Definitely. For sure. Absolutely. 256 00:12:49,157 --> 00:12:50,237 Without a doubt. OK, fine. 257 00:12:50,317 --> 00:12:52,837 But just make sure they avoid the face. 258 00:13:06,397 --> 00:13:08,237 SHE GASPS Holy flaps. 259 00:13:08,317 --> 00:13:10,557 This place is meant to be insane. 260 00:13:10,637 --> 00:13:13,757 They give you, like, this personal shopper who just, like, brings 261 00:13:13,837 --> 00:13:16,717 you dresses whilst you sip champagne and enjoy Himalayan salt foot rubs. 262 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,197 God, I wish I could date a gazillionaire. 263 00:13:19,277 --> 00:13:20,837 You're his Pretty Woman. 264 00:13:20,917 --> 00:13:22,997 Pretty Woman is about a prostitute. 265 00:13:23,077 --> 00:13:24,957 Oh. Still. Why are you dressed like 266 00:13:25,037 --> 00:13:26,877 you're about to show me where the exits are? 267 00:13:26,957 --> 00:13:29,157 My mum and dad are coming down to take me for dinner. 268 00:13:29,237 --> 00:13:31,517 I got it from samples. Is it OK? Depends. 269 00:13:31,597 --> 00:13:33,733 Do your parents think you're a contestant on The Apprentice? 270 00:13:33,757 --> 00:13:35,333 Tanya Bert just called. She's freaking out. 271 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,053 Something about a tweet taken out of context. 272 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:39,717 I'd better get round there. Eve, will you run point on William? 273 00:13:39,797 --> 00:13:41,997 Melody, can you find us an actor for the demonstration? 274 00:13:42,077 --> 00:13:44,917 Try the people we used for the Cumberbatch mugging. 275 00:13:44,997 --> 00:13:48,877 FYI, Honey Pup have sent a selection of products as a thank you 276 00:13:48,957 --> 00:13:50,917 for helping with their launch. 277 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,293 You might want to head over there 278 00:13:52,317 --> 00:13:54,317 before the vultures plunder all the quality merch. 279 00:13:54,397 --> 00:13:55,877 Come on, Band Camp. 280 00:13:55,957 --> 00:13:59,357 If anyone ever needed a free high-end sex toy, it's you. 281 00:13:59,437 --> 00:14:01,797 Are you coming? No, I'm good for love eggs. 282 00:14:01,877 --> 00:14:03,133 I'd better get round to Tanya's. 283 00:14:03,157 --> 00:14:05,237 Why aren't you securing my spot? 284 00:14:05,317 --> 00:14:06,997 No-one takes anything till I'm there. 285 00:14:07,077 --> 00:14:08,837 Mark the thieves' hands with a Sharpie. 286 00:14:10,757 --> 00:14:13,037 It's not like you to turn down a free butt plug. 287 00:14:13,117 --> 00:14:14,957 I've got butt plugs coming out of my ass. 288 00:14:16,597 --> 00:14:18,357 Nice shoes. 289 00:14:20,037 --> 00:14:23,677 So, are you and Gabriel...? It's just a bit of fun. 290 00:14:23,757 --> 00:14:25,037 Right... 291 00:14:25,117 --> 00:14:27,797 Oh, Christ, what is it, Rob? 292 00:14:27,877 --> 00:14:29,277 Are you sure he's a good guy? 293 00:14:29,357 --> 00:14:31,557 Sure, cos that's my type, right? Good guys. 294 00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:36,277 I mean, that really worked out well for me last time, didn't it? 295 00:14:36,357 --> 00:14:39,477 I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. No, it's just I... 296 00:14:39,557 --> 00:14:42,117 Look, Rob, I appreciate the sentiment, 297 00:14:42,197 --> 00:14:46,677 and I'm glad that we can be pals again, but I'm just not sure 298 00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:50,077 that we're at that point of doing the whole boy-talk thing yet. 299 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:54,397 Sure. Look, go deal with Tanya. I'll get things moving here. 300 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:55,997 We'll see you at the rally and I'll 301 00:14:56,077 --> 00:14:58,797 see if I can save you some nipple clamps, OK? 302 00:14:58,877 --> 00:15:00,237 SHE SIGHS 303 00:15:03,717 --> 00:15:05,757 OK, ladies. 304 00:15:05,837 --> 00:15:08,077 We're doing this in order of need and experience. 305 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,477 I'm afraid I'm trumping on both counts. 306 00:15:10,557 --> 00:15:12,437 Got one, got one. 307 00:15:12,517 --> 00:15:15,077 Doesn't work? Ooh, these are good. 308 00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:17,117 Sandra, order of need. 309 00:15:20,277 --> 00:15:22,597 Hello, again. Oh, hi. 310 00:15:22,677 --> 00:15:24,437 Um, how are you? I'm good. 311 00:15:24,517 --> 00:15:26,493 Yeah, just thought I'd come for a mooch, see if I could pick up 312 00:15:26,517 --> 00:15:28,597 something for me and the boy. Great. 313 00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:31,237 What sort of stuff was he into when you guys were together? 314 00:15:31,317 --> 00:15:33,117 Would he wear a vibrating cock ring? 315 00:15:33,197 --> 00:15:35,877 You'd have to ask him. 316 00:15:35,957 --> 00:15:38,437 Oh, my God. I've got one of these bad boys. They're amazing. 317 00:15:38,517 --> 00:15:39,637 Have you tried them? 318 00:15:39,717 --> 00:15:42,557 I've never actually had a vibrator before. 319 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,837 That explains so much. Excuse me? 320 00:15:47,917 --> 00:15:50,597 OK, you're taking this. Um... 321 00:15:50,677 --> 00:15:52,197 I'm not really sure I need this. 322 00:15:52,277 --> 00:15:55,477 Honestly, I couldn't live without one if I was single. Trust me. 323 00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:58,797 Warm and constant, glass of pinot, The Weekend on Spotify. 324 00:15:58,877 --> 00:16:01,717 You'll never want to leave your house again. 325 00:16:01,797 --> 00:16:04,477 Yoink. That's Christmas sorted. 326 00:16:04,557 --> 00:16:05,757 As you were. 327 00:16:08,877 --> 00:16:10,557 'Scuse me. 328 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,517 THEY CHUCKLE 329 00:16:16,877 --> 00:16:18,877 PHONE VIBRATES AND RINGS 330 00:16:18,957 --> 00:16:20,437 OK, listen to this. Day care for 331 00:16:20,517 --> 00:16:22,717 Teddy is going to cost eleven hundred a month. 332 00:16:22,797 --> 00:16:25,197 A nanny to pick up Kelly from school and then watch them 333 00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:27,237 until 5:30, that's £10 an hour. 334 00:16:27,317 --> 00:16:30,157 Travel for me at peak is £13 a day, 335 00:16:30,237 --> 00:16:32,437 so that's £1,588 a month. 336 00:16:32,517 --> 00:16:34,957 Starting salary is 22K, minus tax, 337 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:40,477 so that will leave me with a very healthy profit of £49.06 a week. 338 00:16:40,557 --> 00:16:42,757 I mean, I actually don't know how single parents do it. 339 00:16:42,837 --> 00:16:45,437 Having a job is literally going to bankrupt me. 340 00:16:45,517 --> 00:16:47,477 Not to mention, I have actually 341 00:16:47,557 --> 00:16:49,637 nothing that is appropriate to wear in an office. 342 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,157 All of my clothes are, like, pyjamas 343 00:16:51,237 --> 00:16:53,797 covered in barf or dresses I haven't worn since I was 21. 344 00:16:53,877 --> 00:16:57,717 Can I wear red to an office, or will I look like a handmaiden? 345 00:16:57,797 --> 00:17:00,437 Ruth, it's a job, not a date. 346 00:17:00,517 --> 00:17:02,237 Relax. You dress yourself every day. 347 00:17:02,317 --> 00:17:04,837 Just dress like you're meeting Mark's parents. 348 00:17:04,917 --> 00:17:07,397 OK, well now I'm nervous. Look, I've got to go. 349 00:17:07,477 --> 00:17:08,757 I love you, OK? 350 00:17:11,637 --> 00:17:12,837 Blessed be the fruit. 351 00:17:18,837 --> 00:17:22,797 So, was it helpful? What? Are you asking me if I'm fixed? 352 00:17:22,877 --> 00:17:25,717 Cos, honey, you know it doesn't work like that. 353 00:17:25,797 --> 00:17:27,557 I wasn't asking that. You're asking 354 00:17:27,637 --> 00:17:30,997 me for reassurances I can't give you. Robyn, please don't 355 00:17:31,077 --> 00:17:32,957 put pressure on me. 356 00:17:33,037 --> 00:17:36,237 Sorry. I'm not putting pressure on you. 357 00:17:37,837 --> 00:17:40,437 What do you weigh? Why? 358 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:42,437 I'm making conversation. 359 00:17:45,037 --> 00:17:46,957 Did they make you do a lot of talking? 360 00:17:47,037 --> 00:17:49,757 You mean therapy? Oh, Christ! 361 00:17:49,837 --> 00:17:54,077 Every day we had to sit in that room and listen to each other make up 362 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:57,877 interesting excuses for why we're all such fuck-ups. 363 00:17:59,357 --> 00:18:03,037 Please promise me you'll never go to therapy. 364 00:18:03,117 --> 00:18:04,557 What? Why? 365 00:18:04,637 --> 00:18:08,677 I can't bear the thought of you paying money just to sit in a room 366 00:18:08,757 --> 00:18:11,077 and have someone try to convince you it's all my fault. 367 00:18:12,997 --> 00:18:16,517 Anyway, it's all Jared's fault, that motherfucker! 368 00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:21,957 You haven't heard from him? 369 00:18:22,037 --> 00:18:23,157 Dad? Yeah. 370 00:18:25,157 --> 00:18:27,677 No. Why, have you? No. I... 371 00:18:29,357 --> 00:18:32,717 Just wondered, me being in the hospital. 372 00:18:34,477 --> 00:18:36,517 How would he know? I don't know. 373 00:18:36,597 --> 00:18:40,597 People hear about things, don't they? People talk. 374 00:18:40,677 --> 00:18:42,237 Facebook, I don't know. 375 00:18:47,237 --> 00:18:50,957 The therapist told me I'm grieving for the loss of my daughters. 376 00:18:51,037 --> 00:18:52,397 What? 377 00:18:54,477 --> 00:18:57,557 I'm not having this conversation again. My abandonment issues. 378 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,797 Empty nest syndrome. 379 00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:01,077 You never had a nest, Mom. 380 00:19:01,157 --> 00:19:03,317 I'm just telling you what she said. 381 00:19:03,397 --> 00:19:05,077 So this is our fault? 382 00:19:05,157 --> 00:19:06,677 I'm not saying that. 383 00:19:06,757 --> 00:19:08,637 I'm not doing this. 384 00:19:08,717 --> 00:19:12,717 Look, I didn't ask you to put me in that godawful place. 385 00:19:12,797 --> 00:19:15,477 That awful place cost me nearly half my savings. 386 00:19:15,557 --> 00:19:17,437 Sam and I were saving for a down payment. 387 00:19:17,517 --> 00:19:19,837 Well, it's very sweet of you to lay that at my feet. 388 00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:22,237 I'm not laying anything at your feet, I just... 389 00:19:22,317 --> 00:19:24,837 It doesn't matter. Christ! 390 00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:27,277 You've still got that nasty temper, I see. 391 00:19:27,357 --> 00:19:28,877 What do you want from me? 392 00:19:30,117 --> 00:19:32,797 If you don't want to be here then just do it. 393 00:19:32,877 --> 00:19:34,957 It's not that hard to fucking die. 394 00:19:35,037 --> 00:19:38,037 Not even you can get it wrong, four times. 395 00:19:39,277 --> 00:19:44,397 I will not feel responsible for you. 396 00:19:44,477 --> 00:19:47,717 You cannot keep doing this shit to try to get us to come back. 397 00:19:50,157 --> 00:19:52,717 Why do you think we left in the first place? 398 00:19:55,037 --> 00:19:58,037 Oh, honey. Oh, baby. 399 00:19:58,117 --> 00:19:59,957 Oh, oh, baby. 400 00:20:00,037 --> 00:20:01,797 Shh, shh. 401 00:20:03,557 --> 00:20:04,997 Mamma's here. 402 00:20:44,517 --> 00:20:45,877 SHE SIGHS 403 00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:59,277 SHE RETCHES 404 00:21:03,037 --> 00:21:04,757 WATER RUNS 405 00:21:10,829 --> 00:21:16,349 So, I'm in Waitrose, buying stuff for dinner. 406 00:21:16,429 --> 00:21:19,309 I'm making French beans and mangetout with hazelnuts and orange. 407 00:21:19,389 --> 00:21:20,589 What the hell is mangetout? 408 00:21:20,669 --> 00:21:22,269 You know, the peas. 409 00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:23,789 The little peas in suits. 410 00:21:23,869 --> 00:21:27,229 Oh, you mean snow peas. I've no idea what Americans call them, 411 00:21:27,309 --> 00:21:29,469 but we call them mangetout, and so does Ottolenghi. 412 00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:31,029 What? The recipe. 413 00:21:31,109 --> 00:21:34,069 It's from the Ottolenghi cookbook that Addy got me for Christmas. 414 00:21:34,149 --> 00:21:36,829 We're trying to do the whole vegan thing, you know, save the planet. 415 00:21:36,909 --> 00:21:38,965 OK, Tanya, I think we're getting a little side-tracked here. 416 00:21:38,989 --> 00:21:41,749 OK, so I got the French beans and the hazelnuts and the orange 417 00:21:41,829 --> 00:21:44,709 and the chives, and I'm going for the mangetout, or snow peas, 418 00:21:44,789 --> 00:21:47,165 and they're all out, except for one soggy pack which is all brown 419 00:21:47,189 --> 00:21:48,789 and past its sell-by-date. 420 00:21:48,869 --> 00:21:51,029 You know, this is Waitrose. 421 00:21:51,109 --> 00:21:53,005 I mean, at certain supermarket chains you'd expect this 422 00:21:53,029 --> 00:21:54,909 sort of bull dust, but Waitrose? 423 00:21:54,989 --> 00:21:58,749 Tanya. So, I complain to the shop assistant. He apologises. 424 00:21:58,829 --> 00:22:00,965 I snap a pic and throw it up on Twitter, thinking I might get 425 00:22:00,989 --> 00:22:02,469 some free vouchers or something, 426 00:22:02,549 --> 00:22:04,189 just saying, "This is disgusting, 427 00:22:04,269 --> 00:22:07,029 "what is the world coming to? Shame on you, Waitrose." 428 00:22:07,109 --> 00:22:08,669 "Hashtag brown man get out"? 429 00:22:08,749 --> 00:22:10,669 No, mangetout! 430 00:22:10,749 --> 00:22:13,229 "Hashtag brown mangetout." 431 00:22:14,949 --> 00:22:17,549 Oh, Jesus! It was an innocent mistake. 432 00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:19,229 It wasn't my fault people read it wrong. 433 00:22:19,309 --> 00:22:20,669 Why haven't you deleted the tweet? 434 00:22:20,749 --> 00:22:23,909 I tried to explain it, but it's hard to do in 280 characters. 435 00:22:23,989 --> 00:22:26,429 I just kept getting these angry messages. I freaked out. 436 00:22:26,509 --> 00:22:28,949 I couldn't look at it any more. Where's your phone now? 437 00:22:29,029 --> 00:22:32,189 I panicked and hid it in the teapot. OK. 438 00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:34,829 We will just have to tell people that your account was hacked. 439 00:22:34,909 --> 00:22:37,589 Hacked? Who's gonna hack my account to tweet about peas? 440 00:22:37,669 --> 00:22:39,109 Well, do you have a better idea? 441 00:22:39,189 --> 00:22:41,469 It's not my job to have a better idea, it's yours. 442 00:22:41,549 --> 00:22:44,309 I'm clinging onto this Springwatch contract by a thread. 443 00:22:44,389 --> 00:22:46,509 If the BBC sack me for... OK, I get it. 444 00:22:46,589 --> 00:22:48,629 Just give me the phone. I'll draft something. 445 00:22:48,709 --> 00:22:52,789 Oh, what do they want? 446 00:22:52,869 --> 00:22:54,549 Oh. What? 447 00:22:54,629 --> 00:22:58,069 That's weird. 14,027 followers? 448 00:22:58,149 --> 00:23:01,549 Why is that weird? Because I only had 9,500 this morning. 449 00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,869 PHONE VIBRATES AND RINGS Just a sec. 450 00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:07,229 Yeah. I've got an actor. It's Matt. We've used him before. 451 00:23:07,309 --> 00:23:09,589 Yep, I remember Matt. Eve's written it up. We're gonna 452 00:23:09,669 --> 00:23:12,429 jump it in an Uber with William to Finsbury Park Police Station. 453 00:23:12,509 --> 00:23:14,149 Matt's gonna be there at three. 454 00:23:14,229 --> 00:23:16,510 Eve wants you to brief him while I meet the photographers. 455 00:23:16,549 --> 00:23:19,709 Three? I just got here. OK. 456 00:23:20,829 --> 00:23:23,869 I'm gonna have to go. What? Now? 457 00:23:23,949 --> 00:23:26,149 It's an emergency. Well, what do you bloody call this? 458 00:23:26,229 --> 00:23:27,509 I'm gonna text you what you need 459 00:23:27,589 --> 00:23:30,949 to tweet, and then after you post it just sit tight. OK? No, Robyn. 460 00:23:31,029 --> 00:23:33,389 I'll call you when I get off the Tube. 461 00:23:33,469 --> 00:23:35,109 INDISTINCT SHOUTING 462 00:23:35,189 --> 00:23:39,389 No more mosques! No more mosques... 463 00:23:42,149 --> 00:23:44,469 No more mosques! No more mosques! 464 00:23:46,869 --> 00:23:49,349 Christ's sake. What? My keys. 465 00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:52,269 Gabriel's taken my bloody keys. What? He's done it before. 466 00:23:52,349 --> 00:23:54,349 It's cos he wants me to go back to his. 467 00:23:54,429 --> 00:23:56,469 Yeah, that's weird. 468 00:23:56,549 --> 00:23:57,709 Go find Robyn. 469 00:24:00,029 --> 00:24:02,949 This is exciting, isn't it? Political espionage. 470 00:24:03,029 --> 00:24:04,389 Feel like we're in Bodyguard. 471 00:24:04,469 --> 00:24:06,549 Look, are we 100% sure this is a vote winner? 472 00:24:06,629 --> 00:24:08,989 Are you kidding me? This is gold. 473 00:24:09,069 --> 00:24:10,389 It's like This is England 2020. 474 00:24:10,469 --> 00:24:13,309 Not a flat white in sight. Ironically. 475 00:24:13,389 --> 00:24:15,589 Do you remember your safe word? Er, marmalade. 476 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,469 THEY CHATTER INDISTINCTLY 477 00:24:18,549 --> 00:24:20,869 HELICOPTER WHIRS 478 00:24:23,069 --> 00:24:25,189 OK, got the scripts. 479 00:24:25,269 --> 00:24:27,069 All OK? Yeah, fine. 480 00:24:27,149 --> 00:24:28,909 Just... 481 00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:31,949 By the way, I wanted to say thank you. For what? 482 00:24:32,029 --> 00:24:33,749 Telling Eve about my appointment. 483 00:24:33,829 --> 00:24:35,189 Oh, yeah, right. 484 00:24:35,269 --> 00:24:37,549 But also, don't look at my stuff. 485 00:24:37,629 --> 00:24:38,869 OK. 486 00:24:38,949 --> 00:24:41,589 Melody? Matt? 487 00:24:41,669 --> 00:24:44,349 You're not Matt. No. Sorry, Matt couldn't make it. 488 00:24:44,429 --> 00:24:46,509 He had an audition come through for Call the Midwife, 489 00:24:46,589 --> 00:24:47,869 so he asked me to cover for him. 490 00:24:47,909 --> 00:24:51,429 I'm Leon, his flatmate. Um, but, but you're... 491 00:24:51,509 --> 00:24:54,629 Did he tell you about the gig? Are you sure you're comfortable with it? 492 00:24:54,709 --> 00:24:56,389 Look, a job's a job, innit? 493 00:24:56,469 --> 00:24:59,029 I was just doing this profit share underneath Waterloo, 494 00:24:59,109 --> 00:25:00,949 so, I'm a bit broke. 495 00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:05,309 Still waiting to hear back from a bit on Doctor Who, semi-regular. 496 00:25:05,389 --> 00:25:08,309 This, gay blue alien who has a thing for one of her assistants. 497 00:25:08,389 --> 00:25:10,949 Down to the last two, but they said I'd hear yesterday, 498 00:25:11,029 --> 00:25:13,429 so I think they've given it to the other fucker. 499 00:25:13,509 --> 00:25:15,069 Oh, kill me. 500 00:25:15,149 --> 00:25:16,869 You do know it's quite physical? 501 00:25:16,949 --> 00:25:19,149 Look, babe, I've played a bad boy a ton. 502 00:25:19,229 --> 00:25:21,909 At drama school we did this production of Macbeth all 503 00:25:21,989 --> 00:25:23,349 set on a council estate. 504 00:25:23,429 --> 00:25:26,949 I played one of the witches and we were like these chavs on BMXs. 505 00:25:27,029 --> 00:25:29,309 We did a six-day-long form improvisation. 506 00:25:29,389 --> 00:25:30,749 We went a bit mental. 507 00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:32,989 Day five we killed a fox. 508 00:25:33,069 --> 00:25:36,149 My point is, is that I've got it, the full immersion. 509 00:25:36,229 --> 00:25:38,469 You're not gonna use my face or anything, right? 510 00:25:38,549 --> 00:25:40,845 Cos I did this advert for Wall's sausages and we said that we 511 00:25:40,869 --> 00:25:43,669 can't do anything that contradicts the brand values. 512 00:25:43,749 --> 00:25:45,909 I'm not entirely familiar with their value system, 513 00:25:45,989 --> 00:25:50,509 but I think it's probably best if we obscure your face, either way. 514 00:25:50,589 --> 00:25:53,389 I'm gonna go meet the photographer. 515 00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:54,749 Here's your script. 516 00:25:54,829 --> 00:25:57,029 PHONE RINGS 517 00:25:57,109 --> 00:25:59,669 How are you getting on? Uh, change of plan. 518 00:25:59,749 --> 00:26:02,149 Matt is now Leon. He's wearing a red hoodie. 519 00:26:02,229 --> 00:26:05,109 Red hoodie, OK. I've gotta go. It's Tanya. 520 00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:06,709 PHONE RINGS 521 00:26:06,789 --> 00:26:08,749 19,000. What? 522 00:26:08,829 --> 00:26:11,309 I've got 19,000 followers. PHONE CHIMES 523 00:26:11,389 --> 00:26:13,589 Well, 19,810... PHONE CHIMES 524 00:26:13,669 --> 00:26:14,949 ..11, actually. 525 00:26:15,029 --> 00:26:18,349 OK, I've sent you the apology. All you have to do is just... 526 00:26:18,429 --> 00:26:20,645 I'm wondering whether an apology might not be the way to go. 527 00:26:20,669 --> 00:26:22,389 What do you mean? PHONE VIBRATES 528 00:26:22,469 --> 00:26:26,309 Oh, sorry, I have to put you on hold. Yes? We're on. 529 00:26:26,389 --> 00:26:27,989 The eagle has left the nest. 530 00:26:28,069 --> 00:26:30,429 I repeat, the eagle has left the nest. 531 00:26:30,509 --> 00:26:32,869 OK, now, go. Now, now, now. Go. 532 00:26:34,429 --> 00:26:36,509 Tanya, what do you mean, not the way to go? 533 00:26:36,589 --> 00:26:39,189 I just think a lot of people have been touched by what I've said. 534 00:26:39,269 --> 00:26:41,109 About the snow peas?! 535 00:26:41,189 --> 00:26:44,269 My agent just called. They're enquiring about Question Time. 536 00:26:44,349 --> 00:26:46,349 You're gonna have to speak up. I can't hear you. 537 00:26:46,429 --> 00:26:49,949 They're looking for an alternative POV to talk about the protests. 538 00:26:50,029 --> 00:26:52,709 They think I could be the palatable face of the far right. 539 00:26:52,789 --> 00:26:54,869 That does not sound like a good thing. 540 00:26:54,949 --> 00:26:58,029 You always said I needed more of a persona, a brand. 541 00:26:58,109 --> 00:27:00,469 I meant like the woman who wears wacky earrings, 542 00:27:00,549 --> 00:27:02,269 not the woman who burns crosses. 543 00:27:02,349 --> 00:27:06,029 Every drama needs an antagonist, Robyn. It's like panto. 544 00:27:06,109 --> 00:27:08,349 Speaking of which, I've just been offered two of those. 545 00:27:08,429 --> 00:27:11,349 Tanya, people think you're a fascist! No, that's not true. 546 00:27:11,429 --> 00:27:12,709 Listen to my Twitter feed. 547 00:27:12,789 --> 00:27:14,269 "Finally, someone with the stones 548 00:27:14,349 --> 00:27:16,629 "to say what we're all feeling. GGoodman77." 549 00:27:16,709 --> 00:27:19,829 "Need ppl like you to fight for our free spitch." 550 00:27:19,909 --> 00:27:22,109 She must mean speech. 551 00:27:22,189 --> 00:27:25,069 "Loved you on Strictly. SOP1982." 552 00:27:25,149 --> 00:27:28,189 She thinks I'm Rachel Riley. Hm. Like. 553 00:27:28,269 --> 00:27:30,109 THEY CHANT No more mosques! 554 00:27:30,189 --> 00:27:31,909 No more mosques! No more mosques! 555 00:27:34,829 --> 00:27:37,549 No more mosques! No more mosques! No more mosques! No more mosques... 556 00:27:39,989 --> 00:27:41,989 Muslim paedos off our streets! 557 00:27:42,069 --> 00:27:44,549 Muslim paedos off our streets... 558 00:27:44,629 --> 00:27:46,629 I've connected with the zeitgeist, Robyn. 559 00:27:46,709 --> 00:27:49,029 I mean, how often can you say that? 560 00:27:49,109 --> 00:27:51,029 You were talking about mouldy peas. 561 00:27:51,109 --> 00:27:56,829 Regular guest slots on LBC, reality TV... a column on the Mail Online. 562 00:27:56,909 --> 00:28:00,069 Muslim paedos off our streets! 563 00:28:00,149 --> 00:28:01,429 PHONE RINGS 564 00:28:01,509 --> 00:28:03,309 OMG, it's me agent. 565 00:28:03,389 --> 00:28:04,949 Hey, lovely, talk to me. 566 00:28:05,029 --> 00:28:07,269 Oh, my God. What did they say? 567 00:28:07,349 --> 00:28:09,749 I can't hear you, I'm at this thing. 568 00:28:09,829 --> 00:28:12,389 LOUD CHANTING CONTINUES 569 00:28:16,709 --> 00:28:18,349 MULTIPLE CAMERA CLICKS 570 00:28:22,869 --> 00:28:25,949 Uh, wh... why are you doing this? 571 00:28:26,029 --> 00:28:28,069 What do you hope to achieve? 572 00:28:28,149 --> 00:28:29,989 Piss off, mate. 573 00:28:30,069 --> 00:28:33,589 I know you feel angry, and you feel confused, 574 00:28:33,669 --> 00:28:37,869 and the world is a terrifying, scary place right now, 575 00:28:37,949 --> 00:28:41,389 and when the world feels like that, all we want to do is lock the doors 576 00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:43,869 and protect ourselves from what's on the other side. 577 00:28:43,949 --> 00:28:47,709 But the truth is, what is on the other side of those doors is 578 00:28:47,789 --> 00:28:51,029 the only thing that can save us, each other. 579 00:28:51,109 --> 00:28:52,869 We are not enemies. 580 00:28:52,949 --> 00:28:55,189 You're looking in the wrong direction. 581 00:28:55,269 --> 00:28:56,749 HE SCREAMS EXCITEDLY 582 00:28:56,829 --> 00:28:58,629 Doctor Who! Semi-regular. 583 00:28:58,709 --> 00:29:01,549 ..they want you to be angry. 584 00:29:01,629 --> 00:29:03,389 They want you to be numb. 585 00:29:03,469 --> 00:29:06,629 They want you to blame those below, because while you're busy 586 00:29:06,709 --> 00:29:09,949 looking down, it is those above who are stealing from you. 587 00:29:10,029 --> 00:29:13,349 Stealing your rights, stealing your liberties, they are stealing 588 00:29:13,429 --> 00:29:16,149 your privacy and they are stealing your peace of mind. 589 00:29:16,229 --> 00:29:19,749 They are stealing your compassion and your communities. 590 00:29:19,829 --> 00:29:23,829 But let me tell you, it is only as a global community that we can 591 00:29:23,909 --> 00:29:26,909 beat the existential threat that we all face. 592 00:29:26,989 --> 00:29:30,869 That's it. We don't make the world better by looking down. 593 00:29:30,949 --> 00:29:33,589 We make the world better by looking up. Hm? 594 00:29:35,869 --> 00:29:37,549 Brown man get out. 595 00:29:37,629 --> 00:29:38,949 Ha-ha. Brown man get out. 596 00:29:39,029 --> 00:29:40,669 PEOPLE CHANT Brown man get out. 597 00:29:40,749 --> 00:29:43,829 Brown man get out. Brown man get out. 598 00:29:43,909 --> 00:29:46,989 Brown man get out! Brown man get out... 599 00:29:49,309 --> 00:29:50,909 Marmalade. 600 00:29:50,989 --> 00:29:52,589 SHE GASPS 601 00:29:54,349 --> 00:29:56,429 SHOUTING 602 00:29:58,789 --> 00:30:01,989 INDISTINCT SHOUTING 603 00:30:08,469 --> 00:30:09,949 Broken nose. Three broken ribs. 604 00:30:10,029 --> 00:30:12,589 Bruising to the arms, face and head. 605 00:30:12,669 --> 00:30:16,109 Eight broken fingers and a ruptured spleen. 606 00:30:17,749 --> 00:30:21,749 He's predicted to win the mayoral elections by a landslide. 607 00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:30,189 Do you know that polar bears can smell a seal from over a mile away? 608 00:30:30,269 --> 00:30:34,589 They can even smell it through three feet of ice. 609 00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:41,229 I'm not sure exactly what happened here, 610 00:30:41,309 --> 00:30:45,989 but if there is a problem in my office, 611 00:30:46,069 --> 00:30:48,349 I will smell it... 612 00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:51,549 ..and I will deal with it. 613 00:30:51,629 --> 00:30:52,949 Leave. 614 00:30:55,829 --> 00:30:57,029 Robyn. 615 00:31:00,389 --> 00:31:04,149 If there's something you want to tell me, I will listen. 616 00:31:04,229 --> 00:31:05,869 I am invested in you. 617 00:31:10,069 --> 00:31:11,389 No. 618 00:31:15,269 --> 00:31:18,229 Cleaning chocolate off his balls with hand sanitiser 619 00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:19,989 and a used tissue. LAUGHTER 620 00:31:20,069 --> 00:31:23,909 Well, he was due on stage to present in, like, five minutes, 621 00:31:23,989 --> 00:31:26,509 and Caroline would have killed me if he hadn't... 622 00:31:26,589 --> 00:31:28,509 Oh. 623 00:31:28,589 --> 00:31:31,509 I'm envious of you. You know that? 624 00:31:31,589 --> 00:31:34,789 I wanted to do what you do. 625 00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:38,229 Travel, have a career, an exciting life. 626 00:31:39,589 --> 00:31:42,469 But... I had you. 627 00:31:43,829 --> 00:31:45,309 I was a baby. 628 00:31:45,389 --> 00:31:47,309 I was a firework. 629 00:31:47,389 --> 00:31:50,469 White fire. Everyone wanted me. 630 00:31:50,549 --> 00:31:53,149 Mm-hm. And then... 631 00:31:53,229 --> 00:31:56,989 SHE CLICKS FINGERS ..just like that, decision was made. 632 00:31:57,069 --> 00:31:59,389 It was his parents who made us 633 00:31:59,469 --> 00:32:02,789 go through with it, you know, the marriage. 634 00:32:05,109 --> 00:32:07,669 I'm sorry I was such a horrible mother. 635 00:32:08,869 --> 00:32:12,269 Mom. I just wasn't built for it, you know. 636 00:32:15,549 --> 00:32:17,109 I hated it. 637 00:32:17,189 --> 00:32:20,389 Not you. God no, I loved you. 638 00:32:20,469 --> 00:32:23,629 God, I loved you, and little Ruthy. 639 00:32:23,709 --> 00:32:24,749 I... 640 00:32:26,389 --> 00:32:27,869 I hated it. 641 00:32:29,869 --> 00:32:34,029 There was never very much of me in the first place, 642 00:32:34,109 --> 00:32:37,789 motherhood just took it all. 643 00:32:37,869 --> 00:32:41,389 Before I realised, it was like I didn't exist any more. 644 00:32:42,749 --> 00:32:44,069 Anyway, I don't know. 645 00:32:44,149 --> 00:32:45,589 SHE CHUCKLES 646 00:32:45,669 --> 00:32:49,709 Life is exhausting if you're not very good at it. 647 00:32:49,789 --> 00:32:52,429 Nobody is. That's not true. You are. 648 00:32:52,509 --> 00:32:54,189 You are good at it. 649 00:32:54,269 --> 00:32:56,789 You have no idea how good at it you are. 650 00:32:56,869 --> 00:32:59,869 You were better at it at 12 years old than I ever was. 651 00:32:59,949 --> 00:33:01,429 Well, kind of had to be. 652 00:33:03,669 --> 00:33:06,069 Maybe that was my little gift to you. 653 00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:14,149 Hey, so, I was thinking, maybe you could fly back to London with me. 654 00:33:14,229 --> 00:33:18,109 You could be there for Ruth, help take care of Kelly. 655 00:33:18,189 --> 00:33:23,309 You'd have to crash with me and Sam, but, change might do you good. 656 00:33:23,389 --> 00:33:25,029 That would be wonderful. 657 00:33:29,989 --> 00:33:32,909 Still can't believe I'm a grandmother. 658 00:33:32,989 --> 00:33:34,869 How the hell did that happen? 659 00:33:35,949 --> 00:33:36,989 I love you, Mom. 660 00:33:38,229 --> 00:33:40,989 Baby, I love you. 661 00:33:41,949 --> 00:33:44,109 You're my little sunflower. 662 00:33:44,189 --> 00:33:45,709 Hm-hm. 663 00:33:49,893 --> 00:33:57,893 Gabriel? I thought we were meeting at the restaurant. 664 00:34:01,733 --> 00:34:05,533 If this is some kind of weird surprise, you'd best know that 665 00:34:05,613 --> 00:34:07,173 I don't always react well. 666 00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:11,173 My mum threw a surprise party for my 11th, and when they jumped out 667 00:34:11,253 --> 00:34:13,653 from behind the curtains I punched my grandad in the face. 668 00:34:14,973 --> 00:34:16,173 In here. 669 00:34:19,933 --> 00:34:21,253 Wow. 670 00:34:21,333 --> 00:34:24,173 Howard Hughes, as I live and breathe. 671 00:34:24,253 --> 00:34:27,653 Are you going to say hello? 672 00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:29,213 Or look at me? 673 00:34:30,173 --> 00:34:31,533 I'm sorry, I'm just... 674 00:34:34,733 --> 00:34:36,013 Honey. 675 00:34:37,693 --> 00:34:41,053 Um... I got the new dress you requested. 676 00:34:41,133 --> 00:34:44,893 Is that one of the ones I picked out? I went off-piste. 677 00:34:44,973 --> 00:34:46,453 You like? Sure. 678 00:34:49,053 --> 00:34:52,013 Are you going to be wearing that to the restaurant? It's just that 679 00:34:52,093 --> 00:34:56,213 the whole Shia LaBeouf, haven't showered in a week, took a dump 680 00:34:56,293 --> 00:34:59,893 in a bag and sold it on eBay thing is just a little... 2014. 681 00:34:59,973 --> 00:35:01,893 I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a crisis. 682 00:35:01,973 --> 00:35:04,133 I'm not gonna be able to make it to the restaurant. 683 00:35:04,213 --> 00:35:06,973 I'm sorry? It's the prototype. 684 00:35:07,053 --> 00:35:09,973 I've been going over these schematics again and again, 685 00:35:10,053 --> 00:35:11,813 and, and, and they don't work. 686 00:35:11,893 --> 00:35:12,893 They won't work. 687 00:35:12,933 --> 00:35:14,613 I've got to get the weight down, 688 00:35:14,693 --> 00:35:17,173 and if I don't get the weight down, everything here is fucked. 689 00:35:17,253 --> 00:35:18,453 I have a similar crisis about 690 00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:20,813 getting the weight down pre-Ibiza every year. 691 00:35:20,893 --> 00:35:23,613 The key is no carbs for a week and bring a one-piece. 692 00:35:23,693 --> 00:35:26,013 Eve, this isn't a joke. I cleared all my plans. 693 00:35:26,093 --> 00:35:28,413 I didn't ask you to cancel your plans. 694 00:35:28,493 --> 00:35:31,413 Oh, come on, don't ask me to choose between you and my work. 695 00:35:31,493 --> 00:35:33,733 I'm not. You know how important this is to me. 696 00:35:33,813 --> 00:35:36,253 I'm trying to create something truly innovative here, 697 00:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,893 and everybody wants me to fail. 698 00:35:37,973 --> 00:35:40,893 The press, well, they think I'm crazy. 699 00:35:40,973 --> 00:35:44,093 Nobody seems to understand how important this work is but me. 700 00:35:44,173 --> 00:35:45,773 OK. Look, you're clearly otherwise 701 00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:49,213 occupied, so I think that I will just... No, no, wait. 702 00:35:49,293 --> 00:35:52,573 I said I couldn't make it to the restaurant, but... 703 00:36:00,653 --> 00:36:03,253 Why is there a gang of Japanese people hiding in your kitchen? 704 00:36:03,333 --> 00:36:06,853 I figured, since I couldn't make it to the restaurant, 705 00:36:06,933 --> 00:36:09,213 I would bring the restaurant to us. 706 00:36:17,773 --> 00:36:19,453 Gabriel, this is insane. No. 707 00:36:19,533 --> 00:36:21,213 This is Yoshikasu san. 708 00:36:21,293 --> 00:36:23,973 He is perhaps the finest sushi chef in the Western hemisphere. 709 00:36:24,053 --> 00:36:25,933 He and his team have elegantly 710 00:36:26,013 --> 00:36:28,973 prepared tonight's dinner, just for you. 711 00:36:29,053 --> 00:36:33,573 So, please, take a seat, enjoy the view, have some sake, 712 00:36:33,653 --> 00:36:36,853 and I will be with you as soon as I am done. 713 00:36:36,933 --> 00:36:38,173 OK? 714 00:37:04,533 --> 00:37:06,853 So, you've been here before? 715 00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:08,373 No, I haven't. 716 00:37:08,453 --> 00:37:10,453 It's a really nice treat, thank you. 717 00:37:10,533 --> 00:37:13,733 Sounds like you're out every night anyway, from what you're saying. 718 00:37:13,813 --> 00:37:17,133 I don't know where you find the money to be eating out all the time. 719 00:37:17,213 --> 00:37:19,973 Pret a Manger is not eating out, Mum. It is to me. 720 00:37:20,053 --> 00:37:22,293 Let her live her life, Linda. 721 00:37:22,373 --> 00:37:23,933 You're only young once. 722 00:37:25,893 --> 00:37:29,613 So, have you seen much of this Craig? 723 00:37:29,693 --> 00:37:31,453 We broke up, remember? I told you. 724 00:37:31,533 --> 00:37:34,093 Oh, well, I'm sure there's another handsome young chap 725 00:37:34,173 --> 00:37:35,453 just around the corner, eh? 726 00:37:35,533 --> 00:37:38,173 I'm actually just really happy on my own at the moment. 727 00:37:38,253 --> 00:37:40,653 Hope you're not on those apps. Mum, I'm 25. 728 00:37:40,733 --> 00:37:42,413 I appreciate that. 729 00:37:42,493 --> 00:37:44,613 All I'm saying is, you want to be careful. 730 00:37:44,693 --> 00:37:47,693 I was a magnet for lesbians when I was your age. 731 00:37:50,693 --> 00:37:52,773 I was, um, wondering if you've any 732 00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,213 plans to come back up and stay for a bit? 733 00:37:55,293 --> 00:37:58,133 I mean, your room is just sitting there how you left it. 734 00:37:58,213 --> 00:38:00,349 You know I work every day. By the time I get up to yours 735 00:38:00,373 --> 00:38:02,709 I'd have to turn back round again and leave. Yeah, well, it would 736 00:38:02,733 --> 00:38:05,773 just be nice to see our daughter, that's all. You're seeing her now. 737 00:38:09,093 --> 00:38:10,693 What's going on? 738 00:38:12,493 --> 00:38:14,333 Your father's cancer has come back. 739 00:38:14,413 --> 00:38:16,973 What do you mean? I thought they got it all out. 740 00:38:18,053 --> 00:38:19,453 They did. 741 00:38:20,933 --> 00:38:22,413 It's come back. 742 00:38:29,133 --> 00:38:30,613 I'm so sorry. 743 00:38:37,813 --> 00:38:39,293 MELODY SOBS 744 00:38:39,373 --> 00:38:40,813 Here. I'm sorry. 745 00:38:48,533 --> 00:38:50,293 Hey. 746 00:38:50,373 --> 00:38:53,613 Sorry I'm late, it's just had a bit of a day at... 747 00:38:53,693 --> 00:38:55,693 Hey. 748 00:38:55,773 --> 00:38:58,293 Sam, what are you doing here? He told me your news. 749 00:38:58,373 --> 00:38:59,573 Sorry, I assumed that... 750 00:38:59,653 --> 00:39:04,013 That you would have told me, but of course you didn't. 751 00:39:04,093 --> 00:39:06,573 Look, I just want to apologise for the other night. 752 00:39:06,653 --> 00:39:10,773 You caught me off-guard, you know, I was hurting, I was angry. 753 00:39:10,853 --> 00:39:12,093 I don't think I really realised 754 00:39:12,133 --> 00:39:14,773 just how fucked up things had gotten between us. OK. 755 00:39:14,853 --> 00:39:18,133 Look, Rob, I haven't forgiven you. OK? That's something that you 756 00:39:18,213 --> 00:39:21,573 need to earn and that we can both work on, you know, but this baby... 757 00:39:21,653 --> 00:39:24,013 No. Rob, this is what we both wanted, and... No. 758 00:39:24,093 --> 00:39:26,973 Maybe everything that happened... No, you're too late, Sam. 759 00:39:28,693 --> 00:39:31,253 You're too late. What do you mean? 760 00:39:31,333 --> 00:39:33,773 Why, what happened? 761 00:39:33,853 --> 00:39:36,293 Rob. What did you do? Robyn. 762 00:39:36,373 --> 00:39:37,693 Rob... 763 00:40:13,453 --> 00:40:16,253 SHE SHRIEKS 764 00:40:20,373 --> 00:40:22,173 SHE SOBS 765 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,533 VIBRATING 766 00:40:26,693 --> 00:40:28,773 VIBRATING CONTINUES 767 00:40:40,773 --> 00:40:43,013 VIBRATING CONTINUES 768 00:40:47,213 --> 00:40:49,373 VIBRATING CONTINUES 769 00:40:51,293 --> 00:40:53,373 SHE SOBS 770 00:40:54,533 --> 00:40:57,573 I think it just captured what a lot of people were thinking. 771 00:40:57,653 --> 00:41:00,093 There's a lot of people out there who look around them 772 00:41:00,173 --> 00:41:02,813 and feel that England just isn't their country any more. 773 00:41:02,893 --> 00:41:04,693 That doesn't make them fascists. 774 00:41:04,773 --> 00:41:06,253 Their grandparents fought the 775 00:41:06,333 --> 00:41:08,413 fascists to defend this great island. 776 00:41:08,493 --> 00:41:10,813 All they want to do now is defend it again. 777 00:41:10,893 --> 00:41:13,813 Can you turn that off, please? Depressing, isn't it? 778 00:41:16,253 --> 00:41:19,173 You staying in the hotel? Uh-huh. 779 00:41:20,253 --> 00:41:21,613 Gonna buy me a drink? 780 00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:24,293 OK. 781 00:41:25,653 --> 00:41:28,853 Double Grey Goose, rocks, three limes, please. 782 00:41:44,053 --> 00:41:48,493 Blush by Wolf Alice 783 00:41:53,973 --> 00:41:55,173 Having a good night? 784 00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:57,813 Peachy. 785 00:42:27,333 --> 00:42:28,733 Can I see your room? 786 00:42:48,013 --> 00:42:51,173 Brooklyn Bridge, please, and take the long way. 787 00:43:15,813 --> 00:43:17,933 SHE SNIFFLES 61703

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