All language subtitles for karl.pilkington.the.moaning.of.life.s01e01.bdrip.x264-haggis

NARRATOR:
For centuries, life's big questions

have challenged
some of the world's greatest minds.

The need for love, marriage
and lifelong commitment.

The yearning to reproduce
and the survival of the human race.

The search for a vocation,
the desire to find happiness

-and the inevitable end death.
-(BELL TOLLS)

But Karl Pilkington has not given
a second thought to any of these issues.

This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.

NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40,
he thinks it's time he did.

(BURPS)

He's travelling around the world to see

how other people deal
with life's big questions.

KARL: We've had the Iron Age,
the Stone Age.

This is the Pissing-About Age.

NARRATOR: And to see if the issues
are such a big deal, anyway.

You celebrate life
by enjoying your life.

You don't have to walk around
with a cock on your head.

NARRATOR In this episode,
Karl wants to know

why people get married.

just because two people love each other,

they drag other people into it.
Get on with it.

NARRATOR:
How do you meet the ideal partner?

- I really would like to meet you again.
- All right.

NARRATOR: And whether
you realty need a big wedding.

There's 5,000 people.
How many people do they know?

NARRATOR: This is The Moaning of Life.

KARL: It's like,
who's the mental one here?

Is it me or everyone else?

I've been with Suzanne for what,

20 years or something now.

I don't feel
like I have to get married.

Everything about it is a...

A false, made-up, over-the-top day.

I blame films.

You know, everything is like,
"Oh, the princess is getting married"

and all that.

They've never done
a follow-up to Cinderella.

How was it?
How was it after the shoe fit?

Did they get on? Or,
do you know what I mean, I don't know.

It's easy to be all romantic

when everyone's getting flowers

and you got a nice dress on
and all that.

What's he like on a shitty day
when your boiler's knackered?

KARL: We're looking at relationships
and marriage

and the different reasons
people pick people.

Well, they've just got a simple way
of doing things out in India,

and that's arranged marriages.

I'm meeting a bloke called Gopal

whose job is
to sort of get people together.

It's like online dating,

but, like,
the mams and dads get together

and they have a bit of a say on
whether or not it's the person for you.

I don't know
what me mam and dad would pick.

I mean, me mam likes anyone, really.

In fact, she tends to sort of feel sorry
for people who look a bit odd.

That's what she always liked
about Elvis.

Whenever Elvis was on stage
and he was sweating,

he'd get a towel
of someone who was a bit ugly,

a bit of a fat lump.

He'd never go for, like, the...

the nice-looking woman.

And I think that's
what she'd do with me.

She'd go, "Oh, no one else
would want this person,

"you go out with her".

She's a bit too nice for her own good.

Whereas my dad, I think he'd end up
picking someone whose...

I don't know,
whose dad runs the butchers or something

so he can get some free meat.

Well, here we are.

A to Z.

Okay, then.

"Date of birth.“ 1972.

"Height." I'm about six foot.

"Blood type."

Surely you don't pick people
on your blood type.

Being bald, you see,
I think that should be on here

'cause there's loads of women
who'd go, "I don't want a bald bloke".

I'm hairy.

I've got hairy ears,
I've got a hairy chest,

got hair on me back,

but none on me head.

Some women would be like,
"Definitely not".

But there's not a space for that.
They're asking me blood type.

I've never heard that.
I've never heard someone say,

"It wasn't working." Why? "Odd blood."

Yeah.

Is that good?

There wasn't a part about the bald head

-and the hairy...
- No, no, no.

'Cause if she was bald, I'd wanna know.

Right, so this is the bit
where I write down

what I want out of the woman.

So education, urn...

- She's quite an intelligent woman.
- Yeah, intelligent woman.

It's not exam results I want.

I just want common sense in a woman.

"Technical qualification."

I put "electrical"
'cause that's quite handy.

'Cause I haven't got a clue with that.

She wouldn't want me, I don": think.

I don't think she would like me.

I don't want her being into celeb life,

sort of reading Heat magazine
and all that.

I don't want her wasting her time
on that sort of shit.

She can have magazines,
but not that sort.

What's her hair like under that hat?

KARL: Hair's good.
Why has she got a cap on?

White trousers as well. I don't...
I don't know if I like white trousers.

I'd prefer it if she didn't watch soaps,

because they're on every night now.

She'd never get anything done.

Oh, that's the same woman
without the cap?

Better with the cap.

And how much jewellery?
Does she wear a lot of jewellery?

No, no, no, no.
She's not fond of jewellery.

CAMERAMAN: Does Suzanne not,
like, have rings?

No, I don't buy her much jewellery.
It annoys me.

She had a mate who used to come around,
who had loads

and I couldn't concentrate,

and the more I heard it,
the more I couldn't focus

on the thing I was doing.

It was like fucking knocking about
with a wind chime.

So I don't like it.

All right,
let's have a look at her again.

Could we see her head again?

- It's good.
- Okay.

Do you think she'd like me?

I never wear a suit.

(CHUCKLES) Really?

(RICKSHAW BELL RINGING)

Afternoon. You all right?

Just after a, um, after a suit.

- How's business? Busy?
- Kind of, sir.

- It's popular, popular style?
- Yeah, it is, it is. It is very popular.

I'm on a date tonight.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You can get this colour also
if you want.

The design is same,
the colour is different.

Hey, that looks good don": it,
with the T-shirt?

SALESMAN: Yeah, it's looking nice.

- SALESMAN: With the T-shirt on, yeah.
- Yeah.

She's gonna be well happy with this.

Just a date, innit?

'Cause at least this way,
meet the family, see 'em all.

There's no secrets. It's all out there.

I mean, I don't know
how that would have affected,

you know, I'm with Suzanne.

If I would have met her mam
straight away,

I might have gone, "Forget it".

But, who knows?
I mean, sometimes you can just

put two people together and they get on.

Look at Heston Blumenthal, that chef.

He puts shit together
that shouldn't work.

Vienetta with a Yorkshire pudding
on the top. People love it.

They go, "This shouldn't work,
they shouldn't be together."

"I know. It's nice, innit?"

KARL: Have you?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

All good?

Fairly good.

Yeah.

- WOMAN: Are they doctors?
- No, there's no doctors.

I mean, they've retired now.

Me dad has done loads of jobs

from tiling, gardening.

- He's done courier work, taxi driver.
-FATHER: Uh-huh.

He had, like, a butty shop with me mum.

I didn't do that well.

The school wasn't very good...

- Mmm-hmm.
- That I went to.

KARL: If I'm being honest with you...
FATHER: Yeah.

I wasn't interested in
a lot of what they were teaching.

To me, I just wanted to
get school done and get a job.

If we're being honest,
I used to do a little bit of robbing

when I was younger.

- Nothing big.
- WOMAN: Yeah.

But, you know,
toffees, chocolates, uh...

KARL: Um...

I'd like to be picked on whether

she thinks, you know,
I'm the man who could look after her.

I know,
but I don't think that should matter.

At the end of the day,
I could say I'm earning thousands,

but then I might not tell
you that I'm a big gambler.

- WOMAN: Yeah. Yeah.
- And then I'll lose it all.

There's a lot of nutters out there
who are earning fortunes.

But they're idiots.

Put it this way, I don't owe any money.

- She won't starve.
-(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

She got a roof over her head.

We know somebody who was
very much interested in her.

Though she was...
Though that he was 54, 35,

he was looking 40 plus.

- Are you looking for somebody who...
- WOMAN: Someone who is domesticated

or would you like your
would-be wife to work?

And what you do now,
for living, for job?

It's all about how you look,
and how you present yourself.

So you are an intellectual?
You write book?

I've got a house.

Full house. Five bedrooms.

- He's got space for us.
-(ALL CHUCKLING)

KARL: Yeah, well.

Well, maybe in time.

I really would like to meet you again.

- All right.
- Yeah.

We do always have
a lavish and a big wedding.

Right.

- CAMERAMAN: That went well.
- Went too well, didn't it?

(CHUCKLES) Really.

I mean, that... That is proper mental.

An hour and fifteen minutes
and I could meet

a person that I'm gonna spend
the rest of me life with.

I've sat in sort of
doctor's waiting rooms

with someone longer than that,

and I don't even know their name.

Doing it here,
I'm getting married to someone.

I would like to study

so is it okay,
that you'd be fine with that?

So would that be evenings or daytime?

KARL: The thing is,
I think she would be all right,

I know I'd be all right.

So it would last.

You know, she still liked me
for what I was.

There was no chat-up lines,
no trying hard.

It was just, being meself.

I like cake.

SHIVANI: So you have a sweet tooth?
KARL: Yeah.

- Me, too.
- Yeah, I love chocolate cake.

SHIVANI:
I love chocolates... Chocolates, cakes.

WOMAN: Well, maybe you should
learn some baking then.

KARL: Yes, together.
Yeah, that'd be nice.

Eat yourself and bake him also some.

Yeah, that should be good.

I mean, I forgot.
I've got Suzanne at home.

She hasn't got a clue what's going on.

Last time I spoke to her, there was
a problem with the boiler again.

She has no idea I'm sat here

(CHUCKLING) talking about
getting married to some woman

who I met an hour ago.

Okay.

- Yeah, sure. Okay.
- Great.

KARL: It was good to know that
if everything did go tits up,

here's someone else in the world
who would put up with me.

I mean, I don't think she looked
at me as "The One".

There's no way
you could find "The one"here,

where, you know, population's like
over a billion people.

You have trouble finding
a parking space,

it's that busy out there.

So there's no way you're
gonna find "The One".

I was just thinking about it last night.

I was... It just going over me head.

Shivani Pilkington.

Could you imagine getting post
through the door?

"Shivani!"

Shouting her name around the house.

What would happen if my...
I did meet her again?

I'm not meeting her again
'cause we're busy.

But, say if I did meet her again.
And I said, uh...

"It's not working, is it?"

Would it be wrong to say,
"ls your sister still available?"

You know, like last night with Shivani,

she was sort of up for marrying me
day after tomorrow,

wasn't she, really?

So what they do here,
because people meet like that,

they meet really quickly.

And they don't really know each other.

So they end up paying a detective
to follow people,

to find out if, like, you know,

the story that they've been giving them
is true.

KARL: Hello.

Are you Sanjay?

Hi, I'm Karl. How are you?

KARL: So, what's the plan?

Yeah, he's not a smoker,
he's a non-drinker.

He's a vegetarian.

(GAR LOCK BEEPING)

KARL: Are you married?

Marriage is a kind of
boundation in India.

I mean, if you are married,
you are bound to each other.

You have to share
each and everything with each other.

And if you are hiding something,

it means you are not right
to your partner.

- Well, I met a woman last night...
- Okay.

To see if we could get married.

I went to a marriage broker,

looked at some profiles,

picked a woman,

went and met her dad and her mum,

-had some biscuits.
- Okay.

She, uh, she loved me.

-(CHUCKLING) No.
- Yeah, she did.

She wanted a date today,
but I said I can't.

- I said I'm out on a job.
- Okay.

Yeah, it's mad. She was really keen.

Really keen.

She's really keen
to get married with you?

- With me, yeah.
- Yeah, it's good.

MAN: We are on the position.

- We're in position?
- Yeah.

Do you know
if he's wearing this T-shirt?

KARL: That's not him, is it,
with the striped jumper?

Can you see the striped jumper?

Now, who's this bloke here?

We're never gonna find him here.

(SPEAKING HINDI)

I'm currently working
on another assignment also.

A lady is missing since last night.

-(MOBILE CHIMING)
-(SPEAKING HINDI)

Sounds mad. We're messing around,
looking 'For this bloke

just to check if he smokes
and eats meat.

Surely they should get all the people
out looking for the woman.

Any joy?

KARL: There he is. He's there.
MAN: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

KARL: Yeah, that's him,
that's him, that's him.

He's looking around.
He's got a red folder.

He's looking well guilty.
He's looking shifty.

I mean, why is he reading that
there now?

He's getting his phone out.
I reckon he's calling a woman.

He's definitely meeting someone,
isn't he?

-'Cause he was on the phone.
- MAN: Maybe, Maybe.

It's funny the way he's walking around,
sort of not aiming anywhere.

Could be staying somewhere tonight.

Would people who have a meeting,
would they wear a rucksack

like that for a meeting
or could that have a change of clothing?

It's a bit weird, innit,
to take a rucksack to a meeting?

CAMERAMAN: I carry a rucksack to work.

KARL: Folder's gone in the bag.

He's got a bottle of water,
looks like sparkling.

- Definitely him, innit?
- Definitely, he is because...

KARL: Yeah,
his hair is sort of...bouffant.

He's meant to be working.
He's not working, is he?

We should send this video to his boss.

Say, "Do you know
what your employee is up to?"

Wandering around car parks.

- Drinking water.
- CAMERAMAN: It's lunch, though.

- Lunchtime?
- KARL: Is it?

Why aren't we having lunch?

I'm starving.

Do you want a bit of that cake?

- Do you want some food?
- Hmm.

Fucking hell. Where did he go?

- MAN: You stay here. I'll just come.
-(PULLS HANDBRAKE)

(CAR BEEPING)

Jesus,
I took me eye off him for a second,

just looking at this chocolate brownie.

It's sort of like Oreo.

(HORNS HONKING)

What was he doing?

- Hmm? He was smoking.
- He wasn't.

KARL: The way he's holding that,
I wouldn't say he's a heavy smoker.

- MAN: Rare smoker.
- He looks light, like a light smoker.

The way he's holding it
right in the middle of his mouth.

Like that.

MAN: But he's smoking.

KARL: Yeah, he's smoking, yeah.
So, what do we do now?

We've seen him smoking.
Might be possible he's, uh,

supposed to meet with any girl here.

KARL: All right, he's gone.
He's in the rickshaw.

MAN: Don't worry, my team is there.

What are we here for then?

What are we doing
if there's another team?

Why are we all following this bloke?

Just because he's having a fag.

It's hardly fucking crime
of the century, is it?

I mean, he might have started
smoking today 'cause he's nervous.

He's about to get married, isn't he?

Anyone thought of that?

What a job this is, innit?

CAMERAMAN: What you got there, Karl?

KARL: Wedding invitation.

I knew it was gonna happen.

You can't make a programme
about weddings

without actually having to go to one.

But I can't say I'm looking
forward to it, if I'm honest.

I'm just gonna be helping out
a wedding planner,

who's, uh, you know, they've gotta sort
everything out from start to finish.

When we get an invite through the door
that size,

I don't want Suzanne to see it

'cause then she'll go,
"Oh, we should go then, shouldn't we?"

It's equivalent to getting jury duty
to me, that.

Came through the door,
you can't get out of it.

I didn't want it. I didn't wanna do it.

I couldn't get nut of ii and it's
the same with the wedding invite.

just because two people love each other,

they drag other people into it.
Get on with it.

Get married. Get on with it.

E-mail us the pictures.
We're happy to have a look.

Just annoys me.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

WOMAN: It's a small wedding.

The reception's 3,000 people.

Well, that's ridiculous.

We need to make sure,
given the amount of time,

effort and money spent by the family,

that we make this wedding
a real success.

It's their once-in-a-lifetime event.

We go to the groom's house now.

Please help him get ready.

There's things he needs to
put on his head.

You have to make sure
that it's straight.

Here's your outfit.

You think you'll be comfortable in that?

KARL: Looks all right, that.

CAMERAMAN: Have you been told
what you're meant to be doing?

Um, basically, just a shit shifter
for the day, by the sounds of things.

Got to make sure
the groom's hat's on straight.

Uh, that's when you know
an event's overstaffed.

When you've got someone
whose job is just to go,

"You hat's a bit... That's perfect."

I mean, seriously!

The state that, you know, India's in,

the amount of things that do need staff,

and here I'm walking around
watching a fella's hat.

That's the problem with India.

I was with a bloke the other day
watching someone having a fag.

What about the important things
that need sorting?

(BUS HONKING)

WOMAN: You'll he with the groom,
make sure that he's ready.

And at 10:15 sharp,
you start assembling everybody

for the temple, yeah?

So, Karl, this is Vinay,
the groom's brother.

- He's the next one to get married.
- Right. Yeah, yeah.

Is she all right? Is she happy today?

Oh, the bride.

- The bride and bridegroom.
- KARL: Right.

Is there anything else
you'd like him to do, Auntie?

- There's the groom. He's ready.
- KARL: Oh, hello.

MOTHER: This is Karl.
KARL: How are you?

KARL: How are you feeling?

Yeah?

Can we start getting everybody ready?
- Yeah, yeah. Please, please.

KARL: There's a lot going on.

And what about all this,
the pressure of people keep saying

about you having to find someone?

Is that annoying?

You'll find someone
when you're ready, won't you?

Karl, can you just make sure
you see how the thing is tied?

- We have this to pin on.
- It looks so nice.

- I don't want to look like a...
-(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Cover the head from there.

That is some set-up you've got
on the telly.

Is that just all for the TV?

KARL: It's mad, innit?

You got any music channel?

Sorry, can we forget about this
and concentrate there?

No, I'm just waiting.
I'm keeping an eye on them.

No, no, but you have...
Because if it comes off...

WOMAN:just hold it from here.

Divya, let's quickly go
and check upstairs.

Karl, please make sure you know
where it stays.

- Yeah, it's... I'll tuck it in.
- Thank you.

KARL: just like that, yeah?
WOMAN: Yeah.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- It's good sound.

Listen to that.

KARL: Can everybody come through,
please?

Stairs that way, lift that way.

Can other people use the stairs, please?

Everybody to the basement, please.

Right, this is it now.
We're not messing around.

We're actually leaving now.
Come on now, please.

It's good that
you're asking them all to go

but please try to be really,
really polite,

because it's a marriage home.

- We need to be assertive but not...
- KARL: I said please, I did say please.

No, no, no, I understand, but I just
want you to keep that in your mind.

- That's all.
- Okay.

Can we go now?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Look, if they don't come it's...
I've told them.

Right, we're actually
shutting the door now.

(BAND PLAYING)

KARL: It's fine. You'll know, won't you?
If it's covering your eye,

just give it a push.

- Is there enough room there for another?
- MAN: Yeah, there is.

KARL: When they said that
these sort of weddings last forever,

it's 'cause you couldn't be arsed
going through this again.

Why would you leave someone?

This is what we should do at home.

It would make people stay together,
wouldn't it?

- WOMAN: Karl?
- Hang on, it's happening.

It's happening, it's happening.

Hey, are you all right?
It's fine,just keep pushing it up.

WOMAN: Karl, let me show you the food.

So, all these things get served
to the guests, one after the other.

There are about 25
different dishes here.

You know, I don't like crowds.
It's busy. That noise.

What is that?

(TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Is that... It's that...
It's the high-pitched one.

It sounds like, you know, when
you've got wasp behind a curtain,

and you sort of push a curtain on it
and its wings go mental.

It's like that. It's like...
(MIMICS BUZZING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

It's not musical. It's just noise.

KARL: This one.

- WOMAN: Karl, a tiny bit.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Karl, you can be a little quicker.

Karl, don't ask
whether people want one or two.

I know, but some people are
doing like that, like one.

- That's okay.
- KARL: How many do you want? Two?

- WOMAN: Karl.
-(SIGHS)

CAMERAMAN: Family seemed to enjoy it.

KARL: Yeah, the mum was loving it.

His brother looks like he's enjoying it
as much as I am, if I'm honest.

I sort of caught him stood there,
just sort of nodding his head,

like, what is this all about?

He's probably looking at it thinking,
"I've gotta do all this."

So you can't even say, "Well, I'm gay,"
or anything any more, can you?

'Cause gays get married now.
So, even that's not an excuse.

I couldn't even do this.
I haven't got this many family.

All the numbers in me mobile phone
wouldn't fill this row of tables here.

I hardly know anyone.

I wanna keep it that way as well,
to be honest.

(TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

KARL: He's younger than me.
Maybe he's on Twitter.

And that's the problem.

In things like that, you have, like,
thousands of followers,

even though you don't know 'em.

Put out on there, "I'm getting married,
do you wanna come?"

It's a problem. It gets way out of hand.

Way out of hand.

(EXHALES)

This is the entrance where
the guests will walk in from.

So, this is where the waiters
will be standing with welcome drinks.

- WOMAN: The ushers...
- The ushers will be here.

Now, can you please make sure
you go around

-and check all the candles are lit?
- Yeah, all right.

- I'll do that now. I'll do that now.
- Thank you.

- KARL: Hi, candle's out?
- I think this may not light up.

KARL: No, looks burned,
don't it, the wick?

- Yeah.
- KARL: Can I leave that with you?

There's another one as well over here.

$200,000 and
they've got some cheap candles.

Peanuts or snacks?
You're okay? No problem.

See the two men in the corner?
They want chicken.

Looking a little bit low on peanuts.

Need any more peanuts?

MAN: No, no, cashew nuts.
KARL: You're all right?

It's mental. It's proper mental.

Who's gonna be on that stage.

I think it started at 8:00.

He's gonna be there till I 7:00
shaking hands.

And then they're filming it all

to hand out to people
who couldn't make it.

Who couldn't make it?

There's 5,000 people.

How many people do they know?

[just wouldn't record it.

William and Kate, when they got married
it was on the BBC, wasn't it?

Bet they didn't record it at home.

You don't watch that back.
It happens and it goes,

and then you get on with your life.

This is just stupid. Ridiculous.

How many people are there did you say?
5,000?

- CAMERAMAN: Yeah.
-How many toilets?

Two? Eh?

And the amount of peanuts
I've been handing out...

It's gonna get, you know,
pretty busy here in a bit.

CAMERAMAN:
What have you got there, Karl?

It's a sort of invite
to a pheromone party going on in LA.

And, uh...

It's just another way of meeting people.

But with a bit of science
sort of involved in this one.

It's the smell. Based on smell.

Like dogs. What do dogs do?
Sniff each other's arse.

They don't knock about going
“Oh, let's try a chat-up line,“

or, you know,
"Oh, I like the look of that one".

They go straight to the arse.

They like the smell of it
and then they do what they've gotta do.

And, at the end of the day,
we're animals, aren't we?

So maybe, you know,
just take something from that.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

- WOMAN: Hey, what's your name?
- Karl.

WOMAN: Karl, you're number 50.
That's important for you to remember.

Pay close attention
to the screen back here

because women who happen to
like your scent will take your bag

and hold it up.

And then you'll see
what that person looks like

and you can go find them at the party.

(SNIFFING)

That's nicer than that one.

Yeah? You go for it.

Ooh, Jesus! That should be binned.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, hey.

Oh, is that a bloke's?

Oh, right. Yes.

(SNIFFING)

KARL: I'm having that one.

I mean, really, what you could do
is just take them all, play it safe.

Did I? Which one? Which one were you?

What did you like about it?

29. Can I have a smell again?
Mind you, I can smell you.

You mean you don't remember?

I remember liking it at the time.

But I've had me nose in a lot of stuff.

Oh, you've just willy-nilly
been choosing shirts that you smelled?

It's just like one, two, three?

No, no, no, I wasn't just...
No, no, no, I've put some back.

Well, let me just...

You're just choosing willy-nilly.
You don't even know.

No, no, I wasn't picking willy-nilly.

You don't even remember
which one's mine.

I picked three and I smelt them for,
like, 20 seconds.

You're not gonna just commit to one?

You're gonna choose three
out of how many?

- You smelt nice.
- Three out of three?

Listen, you were me favourite.

Yeah, that... I would be complimented
if you even remembered which one I was.

- I liked it at the time.
- Okay, which one was it then?

Twenty something. 23.

No. Sorry.

- So that's it?
- That's it.

Fuck me. It's hard, innit?

KARL: I think you, uh,
you picked my T-shirt.

(SNIFFING) Oh, chocolate-y.

It's a bit chocolate-y, right? I mean...

- You like chocolate?
- I do like chocolate, admittedly.

- What about Revels? You like Revels?
- Revels.

You get like a Malteser,
you get a nut-covered chocolate,

caramel, it's a mixed bag.

Wow, that's sounds amazing. (LAUGHING)

- What else do you like?
- I like facts.

I do like facts very much.

Do you know that when koalas are born,

the way that they get the gut flora
to digest eucalyptus

is by eating their mom's shit?

- Do you know what a wombat is?
- I do know what a wombat is, yes.

When a wombat has a shit, it's square.
What do you think about it...

I do like that about you,
that you know that.

In every sort of romantic film
there's a woman with glasses on

-and everyone's feeling...
- I am the woman with glasses on.

Hello, good. How are you?

Uh, which number were you?

- Yeah, I thought it was all right.
-(CHUCKLING)

Did he smell yours?

I mean, it just smelt like
you were clean.

Yeah, it's just that...
That's all I wanted, really.

Not too much perfume.

And it sort of matches you.
You don't have loads of make-up,

just a bit on the eyes.

Simple.

Not overdone.

What's it like?

- Pie?
- Yes.

You like pie?

I love the smell of pies.

Sarah.

Nice to see you.

You know what, it's good that
it's good...

I did, yeah.

KARL: Uh...

(INAUDIBLE)

KARL: I think there's something in this.
It's going back to basics.

It's what cavemen would have done.

Or cavewomen, to meet their man.

They couldn't even speak.

They couldn't do themselves up,

they didn't have perfumes.

So the only thing they had really
would have been the smell.

And that's what we've done tonight.
It's going right back to basics.

I think it's really good.
The only problem is,

is that, it was like me nose
has got standards

that are sort of unachievable for me.

Higher standards
than it should have really.

'Cause it's attached to me, innit?

And I'm not gonna get the women
that it wants.

I don't know who it thinks I am.
That's the problem with it.

Right, you liked my scent but
you don't remember which number it was.

- Oh, shut up. Shut up.
-(LAUGHING)

You're doing me head in.

Fucking hell. What a mental.

MAN: She '5 busting your balls.
KARL: She is.

I'll tell you what annoys me
with overseas weddings is the invite.

You've got a mate
who's decided to get married in Canada.

Suddenly you get
an invite through the door saying,

"Oh, we'd love you to be there".
That's what annoys me.

You gotta pay for a ?ight and hotel,
take time off work and all that

because he said he wants
to get married in Canada.

I'm very happy for them.

But are they having a laugh?

Who in their right mind would do that?

CAMERAMAN: I think they're just trying
to make it more special.

Yeah, but... It's lovely for them.

- It makes me laugh.
-(CAMERAMAN CHUCKLING)

As if,
"Oh, I don't know if you're passing..."

No, it's in Canada. 10 hours on a plane.

There's no way in the world I'd do that.

No way.

So they just stick the chapels
on main roads like this?

- It's not even off...
- Yeah.

It's weird, innit?

- Here you are, it's a drive-thru one?
-(INDICATOR BLINKING)

It is a drive-thru wedding.

Are you sure if I drive through,

I'm not gonna get involved in a wedding?

It's good, innit?

I'm not a fan of these. Cherubs.

CAMERAMAN: Why not?

Oh, there's something sinister
about them.

Considering they're meant to represent
love and all that, I don't get it.

Babies with wings.

And they haven't got nappies on,

so that's just causing
a right load of hassle, isn't it?

They're flying around
shitting everywhere.

Do you wanna get married
in the drive-thru?

How long does it take?

10 minutes.

It's good, that.

It goes like this.

- What is your name?
- Karl.

- What's your girlfriend's?
- Suzanne.

Karl, will you take Suzanne
to be your wife?

Will you promise to love her
and honour her,

respect her and keep her
all the days of your Life?

KARL: Yeah.

WOMAN: And Suzanne,
will you take Karl for your husband?

KARL: Yeah.

And will you promise him that
you will love him and honour him,

respect him and keep him
all the days of your life?

Yeah.

WOMAN: You have chosen
this beautiful lady

because you want to be with her.

It's no accident that you're together.

- She wants to be loved by you.
- Yeah.

And you want to be loved by her.

And when that's going on,
engine, leave it running?

- Or do we turn it oh'?
- No, we'd say no.

We say no to... No engine running.

WOMAN: Are you going to
pick out her dress?

- Uh...
- Are you gonna give a description

of what you want her to have?

Is she tiny?

Or big, or little, or tall?

- She's not little.
- Is she tall?

Not really. If she was taller,
she wouldn't be as big.

I think that's the problem,
she's got too much skin for her bones.

I'm not having a go at her.

She knows I love her
and it doesn't matter.

She's quite plump.

- No, not plump, that sounds bad.
- There's nothing...

WOMAN: No, she's...

She's, uh... She's not thin.

- You don't want a dress?
- No.

I think that she should wear
what she normally wears.

Well, the chapel, you see, I'm not
really that bothered about, um...

- If I was to get married...
- Yeah, this is where you go.

Yeah, but I don't think I'd do that.
I'd do the drive-thru.

You mean you don't want to
walk down the aisle like this...

- No, definitely, no.
-(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

No, that is exactly what I don't want.

-(CONTINUES HUMMING)
- No.

- You don't?
- No.

We're gathered here today
in the presence of God

to celebrate 10 years
of holy matrimony together.

If I was to do it, I'm not... I'm not,
honestly, I'm not messing about...

If for some reason I had to get married,
I'd be quite happy with this.

It's literally like a McDonald's.

You come in, straight to there.

"I do."

And out. That's how a wedding should be.

Done in 10 minutes.

You order a filet-o-fish,

you can wait that time
if it's not ready.

CAMERAMAN: What's the plan then?

Journey's been all about marriage,

why people do it,

different ways that they do it.

And I'm here today
just to sort out a wedding.

Couple called Jon and Angie.

(GRUNTS)

They're getting married. You know,
they haven't got loads of money.

It's not like, you know,
Vik and Deepa in India.

They haven't got shit loads of money

that they can go chucking
at a massive event.

But they've let me come up
with a concept for them.

It's a little bit better,
a little bit fancier

than the drive-thru wedding
that goes on here.

But, you know, still simple, small.

Everything that I've been saying
from the start really.

- Hi, Charlotte.
- Hi!

Come on, let's get in there
and sort it out.

Yes. Okay.

I came up with this idea after being
at the pheromone party in LA.

Your smell is important.

Your smell in your clothes,
your pheromones,

it's important in a relationship.

CAMERAMAN". What's the idea then?

Oh, the couple who are getting married,

they're gonna come in with the washing,

have a basket each.

Having a proper whiff of it,

making sure
they're happy with the smell.

Chuck it in the machine.

Two lots of dirty washing
sort of become one.

We are gathered here today

at the Laundromat
in Las Vegas, Nevada...

Why does it matter where the wedding is?
It's just a building.

People at home when they get married,
and they're getting married in a church.

And I know they're not religious.
They go, "What you doing that for?"

And they love it all.
Yeah, it's a church, it's all proper,

and you dress up and you have
the bell going and all that.

What's the bell for? It's just annoying.

Everybody knows you're getting married,
you've sent out an invite.

They'll be there. Don't worry about it.

You don't have to start making a racket.

This moment is what you have waited for,

to belong to each other.

And today is the most important day
of your life.

Always makes me laugh, that,
on Relocation,

when people go,
"I want to live in a village." (SNIFFS)

Nice lovely little village
with a church.

Why would you want to live in a village?

'Cause every weekend
someone's getting married,

those bells are going off.

Pisses you off
when the car alarm's going off,

so why is all right when it's a church?

Will you please change
your dirty baskets?

At least, in here, it's pretty quiet now
these days, with tumble dryers.

At this time
I would like for you to sniff

each other's dirty laundry, please.

(BOTH SNIFFING)

This is the point now, if
you don't like it, you'd best say now.

And we can turn around, knock this
on the head and you can go home.

So, you've had a smell,
you're definitely happy?

- Definitely?
- Definitely.

- Definitely.
- Angie? Really?

- Yes.
- Yeah?

- Definitely?
- Definitely.

Great, Jon.

So at this time,
we would like to have you

take your dirty laundry

and put it in the machine

so that the beautiful
fragrance of each other

can blend in together.

Take one last smell.

(SNIFFS) Wow.

KARL: I mean, it's science,
you can't argue with science.

If you like the smell of someone
then you should be together, maybe.

I do think it's an important part
of a relationship,

important part
of putting people together.

The big wedding that we saw in India

with Vik and Deepa...

Now, they have organised weddings
over there, arranged marriages.

Is it because they can't use
the sense of smell there

'cause of spices and things?

You're not smelling the real person,
are you?

'Cause you're eating sort of masala
and tamarind

and all those spices.

They're getting the smells
of what they're eating.

So maybe that's why they've got
to have arranged marriages.

Might be something in that.

You know what I mean? Makes sense.

WOMAN: So now that we have cleared
all of the dirty laundry

and everything is nice
and fresh and clean,

I would like for you both to hold hands,

repeat after me.

- I, Jonathan...
- I, Jonathan...

-...take thee, Angela...
-...take thee, Angela...

-...for my wife...
-...for my wife...

- WOMAN: To trust you...
- To love you and trust you.

- To be honest and faithful to you...
-To be honest and faithful to you...

-...all the days of my life...
-...all the days of my life...

By the power vested in me
by the state of Nevada,

I do now pronounce you husband and wife
together forever.

You may now sniff your bride.

(SNIFFING)

Not bad, is it?

Considering the end result is the same
as the one in India.

And on top of that,
they got their washing done.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I mean, you can? fault it.

I know it might not be
everyone's cup of tea,

but, surely, this makes more sense,
doesn't it?

It's a special day. Every time they
put a wash on now at home,

they'll remember that special day
when they got married.

It's the future. I'll tell you, how
many of these are closing down at home.

You gotta, like,
do more with your business.

And maybe that's what
launderettes should do.

A white wedding.

A really white wedding.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)