Original subtitles

Improved By: FidelPerez Sub Upload Date: August 13, 2018

(SNORING AND WHILSTLING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(COUGHING AND YAWNING)

(LAUGHING AND SNORING)

WOODY: (MUMBLES SLEEPILY) Wood.

(SMACKS LIPS)

Peanut butter, oh yeah, peanut butter.

I love peanut butter.

(LOUD RUMBLING)

Huh? Did you hear that?

Yeah, me too! Better go check it out.

MAN: (RASPS) Yeah, no poachin'.

(AIR WHOOSHING)

(PLASTIC RUSTLING)

Shh!

What you gotta eat them damn things for anyway?

You're gonna rot your teeth.

Poachers! In my forest! This oughta be fun. Game on.

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

Hello, boys! Guess who?

What in the hell kinda bird is that? He sure is angry about somethin'.

NATE: Well, he ain't no eagle

but somebody will surely pay to have it stuffed.

Guns, oh no! Whatever will I do?

Toro, toro, olé!

Come on! That the best you got?

Shoot!

Over here now!

Nice shot. Now let's try this with a moving target.

NATE: Reload. Come, on. Reload.

WOODY: Yoo-hoo! Lookin' for me?

Whoa. Too slow. Gotta go.

- NATE: Over there. There he is. - Marco... Polo!

- Peek-a-boo! Over here! - NATE: Gotcha

Okay, boys, you got me fair and square. I give up...

...not!

Nighty-night, boys.

Did you...?

Shoo...

(GROANS)

And I'm the one with the brain the size of a walnut?

Please!

(WOODY LAUGHING)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

WORKERS: Speech! Speech! Speech!

Alright, alright, alright, alright. Now, raise your glasses

and here's to our victory and here's to our team.

- Barb, come on in. Join the party. - Actually, Lance, we need to talk.

LANCE: Terminated?

I just won a case for this firm worth millions and I'm being terminated?

And another thing, since when do we need to be

so overly concerned with the rights of wildlife?

Wildlife don't vote.

Wildlife don't pay taxes! Big oil creates big jobs.

When's the last time you ever saw a bear create a job?

(TABLET BEEPS)

Barb, come on!

15 years of busting my butt for this firm

not to mention the biggest case you've ever won

and you're gonna fire me?

VANESSA: Fired?

They can't do that.

Actually, turns out they can.

(SCOFFS) We will sue.

Sue one of the toughest law firms in the country?

Not a great idea.

Don't worry, baby. I got a plan.

Are you going to smear them on social media?

I was thinking something a little more mature.

Oh.

My grandfather left me an amazing piece of property

right up near the Canadian border.

We're going to create a country estate.

Look at me. Look what I'm wearing. I... I can't. I'm a city girl.

We're not gonna live in it. We're gonna flip it.

Take a huge profit. I'm gonna start my own firm.

Success is the best revenge.

- NATE: No... Nope. Mm. - OTIS: That's it!

- That's the one we saw! - Ooh! Uh...

"The... The Pileated Red-Crowned Woodpecker. Thought to be extinct."

Ah, "last one sold on the black market for..."

(SPLUTTERS) Look at this,

500,000 dollars.

OTIS: Holy moly! I could buy me that blue suede tux...

or one of them monster trucks.

All I know is that bird is out there in the woods someplace

just waitin' for us to bag it.

Ah, home sweet home, and no one around to bother me!

(BURPS LOUDLY)

This is gonna be great.

I gotta tell you, this is the first time in a long time

I'm actually excited about something.

- (GASPS) Careful! - (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh.

Lance, look who's here.

Linda, what a nice surprise.

- May we come in? - 'Course.

Hey, Tommy, how you doin', bud?

(LANCE SIGHS)

- LINDA: My dad is in the hospital. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I always liked your dad, even though he hates my guts.

He doesn't hate your guts.

No, he told me. He actually said, "I hate your guts..."

It's a little hard to misinterpret that.

Look, I'm leaving on a flight to Philadelphia at ten o'clock.

I need your help. I need you to watch Tommy for a while.

- LANCE: Uh... - (MOUTHING) No, way. No!

I... if this were any other time, I would be happy to help,

but this is not any other time.

- (♫ LOUD ROCK MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES ♫) - LINDA: I'm sorry my dad didn't ask...

if it was convenient for you before he had a stroke.

LANCE: We're leaving first thing in the morning,

starting construction on a big project.

- Can't you just take him with you? - No. I have a family crisis.

You hardly ever see your son.

It is time for you to step up to the plate and do your part.

You know what, I am sorry, Linda, the timing is just really bad.

I can't do it. I'm sorry. I would like to help you, but I can't

and that's final.

- My hands were tied. You saw that. - Yeah, I know, but...

I'm not a kid person...

even when I was a kid.

(♫ LOUD ROCK MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES ♫)

♫ We're gonna show ♫

♫ Everthing that I'm dead into ♫

♫ We're gonna be... ♫

(♫ TOMMY IMITATES DRUMS WITH MOUTH ♫)

I need a Xanny. I feel a migraine coming on.

LANCE: Hey, Tommy.

Tommy, take off your headphones, please.

Look, it's not that I don't appreciate the drumming

because it's...

...awesome, but can you maybe drop it down a few decibels, please?

Fine. I won't play ever again.

Happy now, Lance?

Lance? What happened to Dad?

I know you don't want me here.

The only kid you want in your life is your girlfriend.

You know what? Vanessa is not a kid. She's much...

...much older-ish than you are. Hey...

Look, your mom's right.

We haven't had a chance to spend much time together lately, so...

why don't you just look at this trip as a opportunity to bond.

(♫ LOUD ROCK MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES ♫)

Good talk.

LANCE: Well, we are here.

By here, do you mean, the middle of nowhere?

Just wait 'til you see it.

- Ah, come on. Would you just look at this! - VANESSA: Argh! Ee!

Pristine, untouched.

I cannot wait to get a bulldozer in here and start building.

Pretty exciting, huh, bud?

Yay.

I'm telling you, baby,

if a house on this site does not quadruple our investment.

I don't know what will.

Come on, let me show you.

VANESSA: Uh, Lance, these shoes...

Baby, wait, my shoes are not made for that!

LANCE: Okay, so the front door is gonna be somewhere about here

and then... boom!

Two-story vaulted ceilings, stunning view of the river

opens up to a state-of-the-art kitchen.

- TOMMY: Awesome! - I know. Right?

I'm getting five bars!

Five bars, uh, that's awesome.

Ah!

LANCE: Let's go!

This place really needs to be fumigated.

WOODY: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, campers, how do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

There's granola bars, corn chips, ice cream, snack cakes, corn nuts

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

(♫ INTRIGUING MUSIC ♫)

(♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC ♫)

Grill's ready.

- Don't you dare post that. - TOMMY: Too late.

Hashtag epic dad grill fail.

Oh, it is so coffee o'clock.

LANCE: Will you make me a double macchiato, please?

Sure, dear.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

- Hi, there. - Hi.

Hey, welcome.

You must be Ben Walters' grandson.

How'd you know that?

'Cause you look exactly like him, spittin' image.

- You knew my grandfather? - He came up every summer.

Taught me how to fish on this river.

No kidding.

Shoot, where are my manners?

I'm Sam Bartlett, Park Ranger in charge of the state land

- that surrounds your property. - Lance Walters.

- This is my fiancée, Vanessa. - Hi.

That's my son Tommy, the mythical half-boy, half smart-phone.

(GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

Just swung by on my rounds.

We've had a problem with bird poachers in the area

so if you see anyone suspicious, please, let me know.

- Will do. - I hear you're building a house up here.

Breaking ground tomorrow. You wanna see it?

(♫ DRUM ROLLS ♫)

It's... very blue.

5000 square feet and every amenity.

And I'm decorating it.

Yeah, you are.

5000 square feet for three people? Hope you won't be cramped.

Oh, no, well, we're not building it to live in. I mean...

Live here? Ugh, get real. (LAUGHS)

It's an investment property. We're gonna flip it.

I see. Don't you think it'll kind of overwhelm the landscape?

LANCE: Got government land on all sides.

Yeah. Not like there are any neighbours to complain.

All I'm saying is if you were to build something a bit more modest

you'd preserve these old growth trees and be a lot more green-minded.

Well, it's my land, so I'm pretty sure I can build however I want

but don't worry, I'll leave plenty of trees for you to hug.

Well, let me know if you see any poachers

and good luck with this...

Death Star you're building.

Nice meeting you.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

- Who she think she is? - I like her. She's cool.

Don't worry about it, baby.

Hey, Tommy, come help me with this stupid grill.

Um, sounds like fun...

...Lance, but I think I'm gonna go explore a little.

Like you say, can't play video games all the time.

Chippy off the ol' block.

Part boy, part lawyer.

How the heck does this thing work?

(♫ ROCK MUSIC ♫)

♫ You win ♫

♫ I give up ♫

♫ Can you leave me alone now? ♫

♫ I can see ♫

♫ What you want ♫

♫ And it's open-dated ♫

(♫ RHYTHMIC TAPPING ♫)

♫ Stop try... ♫

(♫ RHYTHMIC TAPPING ECHOES ♫)

(♫ TAPPING IMITATES TOMMY'S DRUMMING ♫)

(♫ TAPPING IMITATES DRUMMING ♫)

(LOUD CRASH)

(WOODY GRUNTS)

Whoa.

What the heck are you?

Now it's your turn. Come on, kid, show me what you got!

(♫ LAUGHS AND STOMPS RHYTHMICALLY ♫)

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah!

(♫ WOODY HUMS PERCUSSIVELY ♫)

Wa-wa-wa-wa! Wa-wa-wa-wa, wa wa!

(♫ IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING ♫)

Ah-ah!

What? What?

Ta-da!

Wow! You are really cool for a woodpecker.

(SNIFFS WILDLY)

Are those Peanut Butter Bonkers?! I'm a sucker for Peanut Butter!

Come on, brother, share the wealth, spread the love, hook me up.

What are you tryin' to tell me?

Humans, you gotta spell everything out for them.

Oh, you're hungry.

- You want a Peanut Butter Bonker? - Does a Woodpecker peck in the woods?

Whoa!

(WOODY LAUGHS WILDLY)

Wahoo!

Whaa!

You like that, huh?

Even better than beetle larva,

which, if you haven't tried, is quite good when in season.

- Have another? - Don't gotta ask me twice.

Uh.

It's okay.

(GRUNTS)

(♫ SOFT MUSIC ♫)

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC GRINDS TO A STOP)

Hey, don't let the mushy music fool you.

We're not friends or anything. I'm only doing this for the free food.

(♫ SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES ♫)

I'm gonna call you Woody.

- Huh? - You like that name? Woody?

I'm gonna call you Kid Who Just Ran Outta Bonkers.

See you.

Well, I hope everyone is hungry.

I wanted our first night in the wilderness to be a little less wild.

- Got any pizza? - No, I don't have any pizza. Do...

This is much better than pizza.

Nothing is better than pizza.

Well, I think it looks absolutely delicious, Lance.

Thank you, babe.

Here's to me building and you designing something amazing.

- Amazing. - Cheers.

Here. Cheers. Wh...?

Well, come on, clink it.

- WOODY: Hiya, campers! - Aah!

Sorry, I'm late! Traffic. So, what's for dinner?

Mmm. Good to see you again, Kid Who Gives Me Food.

- What is that thing? - It's okay. I... I met him in the forest.

He's friendly. I named him Woody.

(WOODY PANTS AND BARKS)

What are you doing? Don't feed it! We'll never get rid of it!

(WOODY PANTS)

Stay away from him! You don't know where it's been!

And I have no idea where you've been, sweetheart.

He's practically tame.

Yeah, as long as you feed rne.

Okay, who cut the cheese?

Whoever did it, did a great job.

Uh... Get... Lance, get... Get rid of it!

Shoo! Shoo!

Get out of here! Go!

You know, it's so funny when they try to fly.

- You don't have wings, you dummy. - Get out of here!

Mm. Beans.

- Get rid of it! Do something! - Okay. Okay. Okay, Okay, Okay.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you...

(FARTS AND LAUGHS)

Ugh! Disgusting!

- I think he's awesome. - WOODY: Mm-hm.

- (GASPS) Whoa! - Get out of here.

You know, I'm sensing a little hostility here.

Hey, stop. He's not hurting anyone.

- You got somethin' in your hair. - Ow! Ow! Sh...

Missed me. Whoa, is it something I said?

- Hyah! - Woo-ha!

Woo! Yoo-hoo! Over here you big featherless freak!

- (VANESSA GROANS) - Oh. Oh. Oh, baby!

- WOODY: See you at breakfast! - LANCE: Oh, no!

VANESSA: You hit me!

LANCE: Baby, I'm so sorry. Okay. It was an accident.

Oh, let me see, let me see, let me see. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Look, let's just eat our...

dinner...

Ow!

(WOODY LAUGHS IN DISTANCE)

(LOUD RHYTHMIC PECKING)

(SIGHS)

(PECKING CONTINUES)

Can you not hear that?

(RHYTHMIC PECKING CONTINUES)

That woman could sleep through a hurricane.

Can you believe that stupid bird?

Tommy?

(♫ WOODY HUMS SAMBA TUNE ♫) Ba-dub, bub, dub, bub, dub, da!

Ba-dee, bee, bee, bee, bee, ba!

Mm, mm, mm, ah!

Dub, dub, dub, dub, dub, hey!

Shoo!

Get out of here!

Go on. Beat it!

Go find somewhere else to peck.

Go find somewhere else to sleep.

Around here, I'm at the top of the pecking order.

LANCE: I said beat it!

He makes the catch

and the crowd goes wild! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Give me that back right now!

- (RHYTMIC PECKING CONTINUES) - (SIGHS)

Good day, Mr Walters. Ready to break ground?

I sure am, George.

Remember, I want this house on the market by fall

so it needs to be done quickly.

Well, for enough money, anything can be done quickly

even out here in the sticks.

Well, that is good to hear

cos according to my schedule, you're already 20 minutes behind.

- Your schedule? - Oh, I am hands on, George.

- I'm gonna ride your crew. - Super! They'll love that.

And by the study fireplace

I was thinking twin zebra sheepskin chairs.

They'll be a nice contrast to the crested butte cigar leather sofas.

And, of course, the thirty-light elk antler chandelier

will tie it all together.

And, I want it all done in eight weeks.

- That's really not enough time. - Money is no object.

- Consider it done. - VANESSA: Thank you.

Lance, honey

I've decided on volcanic stone for the kitchen counters. Mmm?

Great.

Baby, aren't those the most expensive counters in the world?

Well, duh, the best usually is.

Come, see.

- Okay. - VANESSA: That's so exciting.

Hey, Tommy, you wanna watch the excavation?

Hmm. Let me think about it...

No.

Okay, I'll take that no as a no.

(WOODY YAWNS)

Can't a bird catch some Zs around here?

Huh? Hey! What's the big idea?!

WORKER: (SHOUTS) Watch it! Watch it!

Wait a minute. They're not camping; They're moving in.

No, no, no, no, no! This is my forest.

Time for an eviction notice.

Hey! Yeah, you!

Get off my lawn, punk!

(WORKER CRIES OUT)

WORKER: Hey! Relax!

- LANCE: No! - Knock, knock.

Who's there? Pee?

Pee, who? Pee-yew!

Somebody get that bird!

WOODY: Let's see who's next, shall we? Eeny, meeny, miny... Moe!

Baby.

- Baby, baby. - WOODY: Bombs away!

- The bird! - LANCE: Oh.

WOODY: How was that for an eviction notice?

No! No!

The good thing about a high fibre diet...

(CHUCKLES) ...it keeps you regular.

Whoa!

That'll buff right out.

- (SOBS) - Oh, baby.

Don't you "baby" me!

(VANESSA RANTS IN OTHER LANGUAGE)

Well, the bad news is

you're encroaching on the habitat of a very territorial bird.

No kidding.

Well, don't worry about the window.

We'll just add that to the bill.

(LOUD PECKING)

(PECKING CONTINUES)

Would you keep it down out here?

- See? - Shh.

- (WOODY SNIGGERS) - That's much better.

Tommy, open the door!

Tommy?

("REJECTED" BY KINGSLEY)

♫ Always the same Ain't never gonna change your story ♫

♫ Well, you don't believe me You don't believe me no more! ♫

♫ You're so rejected ♫

♫ Are you the one who's never rejected? ♫

♫ Am I the one that you never mention? ♫

♫ Is he the one you're leaving for me? ♫

♫ Or am I just one of your fantasies?...♫

(♫ TUNING GUITAR ♫)

You planning on buyin' it or just tuning it to death?

Uh, sorry, I was just browsing. Um...

Don't sweat it. Play away.

- I'm Jill. - Uh, I'm Tommy.

- Are you visiting? - TOMMY: Yeah.

- My dad's building this house by the river. - Oh, man!

That mega-mansion everyone's talking about?

Yeah, that would be it.

So you interested in it?

Uh, this is a really... This is a really sweet guitar.

I helped restore it.

The guy who sold it to us was a roadie for Springsteen.

Who knows, Springsteen himself may have played it.

Or at least breathed near it.

(♫ PLAYS ROCK RIFF ♫)

You're not bad. Not bad at all.

Thanks, I've been taking lessons for a couple years.

Uh, but, I left my guitar at home, so...

I can make you a really sweet deal on that guitar if you like.

My dad is the one with the coin. I'm pretty much broke.

Maybe we can work something out.

My friend Lyle and I have a band.

He plays the drums, I play bass, but...

- You need a guitarist? - Yeah.

The town's annual Firefly Festival's at the end of the month.

We really wanna play there.

If you help us out,

I'll lend you that guitar for free for the whole summer.

- You interested? - Uh, yeah, totally!

Hey!

This is our road,

and we didn't give you permission to use it!

Um, actually, this is a public road built with government funds

and it belongs to everyone.

So technically you are correct. It is yours, but it's also mine.

Hey, you don't get off that easy!

Look, I don't know what I did to offend you guys,

but whatever it is, I'll stop.

Course you will. You'll be too busy crying!

Seriously, doesn't your school have an anti-bullying policy?

Sure does. That's exactly why we got kicked out.

Right, John? High five!

- Ooh! Look, a guitar. - Hey, give that back!

(BULLIES YELPING)

- What was that? - Whatever it was, it clawed me!

- WOODY: Ba, bu-da-ba-ba, ba, ba, ba! - Woody!

Now as for you two, where were we?

(THEY CRY OUT)

Get ready to go commando!

(SCREAMS) Oh, this bird's psycho!

(SCREAMS)

TOMMY: Woody, that was awesome!

You went all MMA on 'em!

Nobody messes with my BFF,

and by that I mean Bringer of Free Food. See you!

Oh, come on, George, you gotta be kidding rne.

- GEORGE: No. - LANCE: Well, why am I paying for that?

- GEORGE: Your bird did a number on us. - It is not my bird.

Fine, fine. Just every day out here is costing me money.

(INDISTINCT REPLY)

Yeah... Great, thank you.

- Hey, buddy, where you been? - Town.

- LANCE: Where'd that come from? - I'm starting a band with a girl I met.

Oh, fun fact:

I almost got my butt kicked on the way home.

What are you talking about? By who?

A couple of Neanderthal kids.

It's okay, because Woody saved me.

- Who's Woody? - The woodpecker.

Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu! Do not mention that stupid bird!

- Stupid? - VANESSA: Yeah.

Last I remember, that stupid bird wasn't the one covered in bird poop.

You know what? That's enough out of you. You're on a time out. Go to you room.

I don't have a room.

Then go into the RV.

Fine.

Oh, and in case you were wondering

nobody in town is happy about us building a house up here.

- Can you believe that? - I know, what is wrong with these people?

Don't they understand how great this is gonna be for their property values?

No, Lance.

I'm talking about how disrespectful your son is to me.

Oh... Yeah, that.

This isn't what I signed up for, Okay?

Being a stepmom to a bratty kid who hates me.

- Babe, he doesn't hate you. - He hates me.

If anything, he's just mad at me.

He's just acting out.

I know this is difficult, but you've just gotta be patient.

You'll see. We're gonna get our old life back in no time.

I promise.

Hmm.

WOODY: Wakey, wakey.

Here's Woody!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, That's it!

I'm finished with you!

Now, maybe you didn't get the memo!

But, man, not wildlife, is top of the food chain!

So if I were you, I would get out of here before you land on my rotisserie!

- If it's the last thing I... - Nice rant. Easy to dance to.

- I'd give it a seven. - Hey!

(WOODY LAUGHS)

- Yeah, you better fly out of here! - WOODY: Yeah right!

Really? A pinecone?

How pathet...

(WOODY LAUGHING)

Yo(sure this foundation's deep enough, George?

I want this place to last longer than these trees.

Twice as long, sir.

%D ai} me, bee doin')
0Aa l'ie, alright? %0Ԩ@ 554 0?6U3A46,3261"E 0@gfw4p^C328 Babe, isn't this great?

I'm not really a cement person.

Can I have the keys for the car?

557 00:29:53,58OM.ߊD@Z46,462 I need to go to town an$)find a place to get my highlights touched up.

- Hey, sweetheart? - VANESSA: Mmm.

LANCE: What's that matter? We're out here in the middle of nature.

Yeah, and I wanna look natural.

- Keys are in the RV. - Okay.

(♫ DRAMATIC MUSIC ♫)

Time to get these trespassers out of here.

We can do this the easy way or the Woody way.

I'm thinkin' the Woody way.

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

Come on, Tommy, you cannot sit in here all day staring at a screen.

- There's nothing to do here. - LANCE: Nothing to do here?

They're getting ready to pour the cement. That's cool.

Let's go outside and watch them do that.

- Pass. - Go outside and find something to do.

- Anything. - Give that back!

VANESSA: Lance! Hurry that thing is back!

WORKER: Get back!

VANESSA: Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Jackie Chan taught me this one.

Wa-ka! Woo!

How about some of this? How about some of that?

Bath time!

Hope you're getting hazard pay!

- (WORKER GRUNTS) - Hiya! Hiya!

- Wa-hoo! Wa! - (MAN CRIES OUT)

- No, no, no! - WOODY: Karate chop!

I do all my own stunts.

Here comes the thunder!

- (MAN GRUNTS) - (WOODY CRIES OUT)

Don't worry, I didn't forget about you two.

You're my favourites!

Let's get to the SUV!

(WHIMPERS)

Hmm, I wonder how this thing works.

Only one way to find out.

Oh!

Come on, you know you want me to push it. Oops!

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTS OUT INDISTINCTLY)

(LANCE AND VANESSA SCREAMS)

(LANCE GROANS)

You were right, Lance.

- Watching them pour cement is fun. - (BOTH GRUNTS)

Now that's how you do things the Woody way.

(LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

(SQUELCHING)

(TRICKLING)

LANCE: I'd like to file a complaint.

Nope. Nope.

Nope. Yep, that's it.

That's the flying demon right there.

- The Pileated Red-Crowned Woodpecker? - Yep.

Impossible.

The Red-Crowned Woodpecker has been extinct for almost a hundred years

- I'm telling you, that's the bird. - Uh-huh. Sure it is.

Any chance you're taking any sort of medication?

Look, I don't care what kind of bird it is.

I want it off my property for good. Now, how does that happen?

Well, the local Native Americans

believed it was the incarnation of Marconda

god of chaos and mayhem

a mischievous trickster who haunted the forest.

- Super factoid. What did they do about it? - Moved away.

- Moved away? - SAM: More like fled.

Didn't even pack, left all their things behind.

Well, I'm not gonna flee.

- Can we just kill it? - No, you can't just kill it.

The woodpecker is a protected species. You'd be breaking the law

a 10,000 dollar fine.

Do you take credit cards?

And two years in jail.

Alright, well there's Plan A.

- Do you have any ideas? - Learn to live with it.

There is plenty of room for both of you.

Thanks. You've been tremendously unhelpful.

NATE: How hard can it be to find a red-headed woodpecker with hands?

Well, I feel like I know the answer to this one.

Hey, give me a hint?

(NATE SIGHS)

Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's it.

Nobody poops on my truck and gets away with it!

One time.

That happened one time and you've never let me forget it.

(WOODY LAUGHS IN DISTANCE)

(♫ ROCK MUSIC ♫)

Hey! I know that song. That's my ringtone.

Well, what do you know? Peanut butter boy.

That was awesome!

Heck yeah, we killed it!

- Hey, kid. - Hey, Woody.

I was just flapping by and I heard someone laying down a fresh beat.

Whoa-oa! What kind of bird is that?

Some kind of woodpecker. He lives up by my place.

And before I met you guys,

he was pretty much my only friend out here.

Friend? Hmm...

Nope. Never had one of those before.

The festival's at the end of the month. We've still got a lot of practicing to do.

One, two... One, two, three four.

(♫ "BIRD IS THE WORD" PLAYS ♫)

♫ Well, everybody's heard about the bird ♫

- ♫ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird... ♫ - Yeah, this year is my jam!

- ♫ Well a bird's a word... ♫ - (RYTHMIC PECKING)

Oh yeah, that's right, I peck by ear. Never had a lesson. Ho-ho!

Whoa! That bird's got mad skills.

♫ Don't you know about the bird? ♫

♫ Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word ♫

♫ Bird, bird, bird, b-b-b-bird, Bird, bird, bird... ♫

- (♫ "BIRD IS THE WORD" CONTINUES ♫) - (LAUGHING)

WORKER: Whoa!

(WORKER CRIES OUT AND GROANS)

♫ Well-a bird's the word ♫

♫ Oh well-a bird, bird, bird, B-bird's the word ♫

♫ Oh well-a don't you know about the bird? ♫

♫ Well-a everybody's talking about the bird ♫

♫ Bird, bird, bird, B-bird's the word ♫

- ♫ Oh well-a... ♫ - ♫ Bird, bird, bird, b-b-b bird! ♫

♫ Oh well-a bird, bird, B-bird's the word ♫

Another bill?! Where did this come from? Wh...?

♫ Oh, well-a everybody's heard about the bird... ♫

Oh, jeez, bees!

(WORKERS SHOUTING)

WORKER: Run!

To the river!

(BOTH GROANS)

♫ Don't you know about the bird? ♫

♫ Well, everybody's talking about the bird... ♫

HmM. On? Okay. I could do that.

(LAUGHING)

- (WORKER SCREAMS) - (ELECTRIC BUZZING)

(WOODY LAUGHS WILDLY)

Just like in the cartoons.

♫ B-b-b-b, b-b-b-b, b-b-b-b, b-b-pa-pa, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa, ♫

♫ pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-oo-ma-mow- mow, pa-pa-oo-ma-ma mow ♫

♫ Oo-ma-mow-mow, Pa-pa-oo-ma-ma mow ♫

♫ Pa-pa-oo-ma-mow-mow, Pa-pa-oo-ma-ma mow... ♫

I'm back!

(WOODY LAUGHS AND SHOUTS OUT)

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

ALL: ♫ Oo-mow-ma-ma-mow, mow, mow, mow, mow ♫

♫ Well-a don't you know about the bird? ♫

♫ Well everybody knows that the bird is the word ♫

♫ Oh well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word ♫

♫ Oh well-a bird. ♫

Oh, yeah! That was awesome!

Woody, that was sick!

Oh yeah! The bird is the word. You know this song is about me, right?

Baby, please, can we talk about this a min...?

- (GRUNTS ANGRILY) - You know what? You were right.

I should've listened to you in the first place. We'll go to a hotel.

I'm going to a hotel!

The Fairmont Olympic in Seattle.

Five stars, all the amenities,

suite for one.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

I will get rid of that woodpecker, I promise you...

It's too late, Lance.

You're not the man I thought you were.

I fell in love with a cold, heartless courtroom killer

not a man who loses to a flying squirrel.

If you ever move back to Seattle,

we can do lunch.

Bye.

I think I just did that guy a hu-uge favour.

You're welcome!

I'm sorry.

What?

About Vanessa.

I know you liked her.

Thanks.

Yeah, I did.

Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned.

You'll find that out when you're older.

I'm not sure I wanna find out.

Nah. It's not all that bad.

It's just that in life,

your dreams and reality...

don't always line up.

So, what you're trying to tell me is...

it basically stinks.

(LANCE LAUGHS)

No, not all the time, but...

yeah, sometimes life basically stinks.

Let's get some sleep.

Things always look better in the morning.

At least I hope they do.

LANCE: So, I've got a pretty serious bird problem

and from what I understand

you two gentlemen are the finest pest control company in town.

Well, you're the only pest control company in town

but I'm sure men of your...

(OTIS BURPS)

...calibre, won't have any trouble with this job.

It's just a little woodpecker.

- Mister, do you know how... - (THUDS)

How can we help you, Mr. Walters?

Well, I need you to trap it and release it far, far away from here.

I'd say kill it, but apparently that's illegal.

'Course not. We would never, uh, break the "law".

Nate, what about that time...

- How much? - Our standard woodpecker removal fee is...

- Two... - 500 bucks, cash money.

- Otis, are you... - Done.

...gonna... eat your cherry?

All yours.

Thanks, I'll, uh...

I'll save this for later.

Check, please.

So, I will see you gentlemen in the morning, yes?

Uh, you got it.

We will hit the hay early.

We'll be there bright and early, ready to removify that bird.

Just not before 10 A.M., All right?

That's about when my son usually comes into town and...

I'd rather he not know anything about this.

Ten o'clock it is. We will see you...

In the mariana.

Mariana.

I thought we were seein' him tomorrow?

What?

What? Let's go!

We've been searchin' for that woodpecker for months

and now it just falls right in our laps.

- We gonna make five hundo cash money. - Dummy.

It's a Pileated Red-Crowned woodpecker.

We can sell that bird for a thousand times more than that.

Oh, can't you just smell the money?

Nah, that's just me.

TOMMY: Hey, what are we gonna call our band?

JILL: How about Poison Ivy? 'Cause I think I just stepped in some.

LYLE: Hey, look, an eagle feather.

- TOMMY: And there's another one. - JILL: That's a lot of feathers.

- JILL: Let's follow the trail. - LYLE: I thought we were going swimming?

JILL: Don't worry, we will.

(♫ TENSE MUSIC BUILDS ♫)

Wonder where they came from.

- LYLE: Guys, the quarry's back that way. - JILL: Don't be such a wimp.

TOMMY: Whoa.

Hey, let's go check it out.

JILL: Looks totally abandoned.

LYLE: Uh, did you guys not see the sign?

Hey, wait for rne!

(♫ EERIE MUSIC ♫)

LYLE: What is this place?

Can we go now?

Look at all this stuff.

JILL: Who would do something like that to those animals?

LYLE: I told you guys we shouldn't have come in here.

Let's go! Come on.

- (CRASH) - (LYLE GASPS)

What was that?

What... What are you doing?

(RATTLING)

Look how sad he looks.

What are you doin' here?

We're sorry, sir. We didn't touch anything.

This is private property.

You are trespassin'.

We could press charges.

We were just on our way to the quarry and we got lost.

Yeah, see the towels? Swimming.

It wasn't my idea. They made me.

If any of you little runts,

come back here again,

bad things are gonna happen.

Now, all of you,

get out of here!

- Go on! Go on! Go! - LYLE: Come on, guys, let's go!

Not you, dummy.

- JILL: Come on, quick! - LYLE: Guys, come on!

(PECKING)

Peck away all you want tonight, bird.

Tomorrow the hammer drops.

NATE: Otis, take her up.

- LANCE: So, what's the plan? - NATE: Oh, I'll tell you the plan.

We got this, uh, carbon fibre and titanium reinforced cage.

We've got, uh, thermal cameras all over the perimeter.

And for just a little added insurance,

we've got these electrified net guns.

If for any reason he manages to uh, escape and make a run for it

heat-seeking tranquiliser darts.

Ooh, and the bait, we've got two aces in the hole.

At first, a female decoy.

(NATE CHUCKLES)

Second, we've added a jar of extra nutty peanut butter

because no right-minded woodpecker can resist the combination of romance...

and peanut butter.

It is a bad day to be a Woodpecker.

WOODY: (♫ SINGING ♫) ♫ Everybody thinks I'm crazy ♫

♫ Yes, siree, that's me, that's me ♫

♫ That's what I'm cracked up to be ♫

♫ I chop a hole in every tree ♫

♫ Knock on wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-od ♫

♫ Knock on wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-od ♫

♫ So I'm crazy, what, what, what can I do? ♫

♫ So are you! ♫

Do you smell that?

Is that what I think it is?

Peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Peanut butter! Peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Hee-hee!

Incoming bogie, 300 yourds and closin' fast.

(CAMERA BEEPS)

What do we have here?

Well, hello there? Come here often?

I notice you have a jar of extra nut-fay peanut but-ter.

I'm a big fan of the stuff, myself.

Mind if I join you?

Is it just me or is there something kinda wooden about this chick?

- NATE: Here. Come on. - How about we take this back to my place

and watch a movie?

Ever seen The Birds? Oh, it's hilarious.

It feels like something has come between us.

Heat-seekers.

You didn't think I was gonna get caught this easy, did you?

Peanut butter makes me crazy, not stupid.

- Come on, what else you got? - NATE: Shoot him!

Yikes, time to go!

Whoa!

(SHOUTS NERVOUSLY) Whoa, whoa!

Whoa-oh. Wh-argh!

(YELPS IN SLOWMOTION)

Whoa-oh-oh!

Look, there he is!

- Tag, you're it! - NATE: Whoa!

Nighty-night, boys.

Not. Again.

WOODY: Hey, Beardo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

Feelin' lucky today, punk?

Well, do you?

Electrifying! Smile!

Come to papa. Later, babe. Text me when you make parole.

SAM: Here I got it.

Why, Ranger Sam, how kind of you.

No worries.

I heard about your RV. Was it bad?

Let's just say I don't think I'm gonna get my damage deposit back.

How's your fiancée taking it?

You mean my ex-fiancée.

I'm pretty sure she's taken it to a five star hotel in Seattle.

- I'm sorry. - LANCE: Yeah, thanks.

I never thought a Woodpecker would break up my relationship

but I guess out here these things happen.

Can I give you a piece of advice about that Woodpecker?

It is not a woodpecker; It is a demon from Hell.

Okay, then can I give you a piece of advice about that demon from Hell?

Does it involve untraceable forms of poison?

SAM: No, just the opposite.

Instead of fighting with the woodpecker, maybe try being nice to it.

- Being nice to it? - You've tried everything else.

Besides you catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar.

Think about it.

Hey, bird.

(WHILSTLES)

It's just your friendly neighbour, Lance.

Got a little peace offering.

- Is that a sock on a stick? Pathetic. - You win!

You like cookies?

Everybody likes cookies.

There'll be plenty more where those come from.

Whole brand new box every day.

So long as you... let me build my house in peace.

And then once I sell my house, you'll be somebody else's nightmare.

Listen, buster

if you think giving me a little food is going to make me forget...

(LAUGHS AND SHOUTS OUT EXCITEDLY)

Wow, these are killer. What was I saying?

Pretty good, huh? What do you say?

I'll think it over.

Well, I'll take that as a yes.

All right, you measure twice and cut once.

That's correct.

Here you go.

Hey, what's up there, hard hat? Hey, look out! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, everybody, relax!

Relax.

I got this.

I thank you very much.

Same time tomorrow.

Please, allow me.

That's lunch, whoo-hoo!

(LOUD CHEWING)

(BURPS)

(SIGHS)

Okay, Okay, I know what you folks are thinking,

"Woody is a big fat sell-out."

But the way I see it

it's a mutually beneficial business arrangement.

Anyway, I let them build their dream house in peace

as long as they pay me.

Voila!

GEORGE: Well, Mr Walters

looks like you're gonna get your house.

Over schedule and over budget, but we did it.

LANCE: Alright-y.

- Here you go. - Thanks, dad.

You're welcome.

- Hey, what about me? - Don't worry, I didn't forget about you.

I sure hope not.

Mm! My favourite!

Yummy!

(PHONE RINGING)

WOODY: You must give me the recipe!

(LOUD CHEWING)

Hey, Linda. What's up? How's your dad?

Uh, a little better, thanks.

You guys deliver?

LINDA: Listen, I've got some good news.

I talked to my cousin

and she can take Tommy while I'm at the hospital

- so you're off the hook. - Really?

- That's what you wanted, right? - Yeah.

You know what? No. Uh... Uh...

I...

I think we're okay here.

- Seriously? - Yeah, seriously.

- Keep me posted on your dad, would you? - Sure.

- Take care of my boy. - Our boy.

See you later.

(WOODY SIGHS)

Nate, how we ever gonna get that bird? It's always with 'em.

It's just a matter of time, Otis. Keep your shirt on.

Weren't plannin' on takin' it off.

Seriously!

- (♫ ROCK COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ♫) - ♫ Celebrate the day ♫

♫ Celebrate and sing ♫

♫ Celebrate and then you will ♫

♫ Celebrate the day ♫

♫ Celebrate and sing ♫

♫ Celebrate and then you will... ♫

Last 10 seconds!

- JILL: Come on, you can do it! - Lyle, come on, almost there!

JILL: You can do it!

Come on, you can do it!

- PRESENTER: And we have a wiener! - Yeah, Lyle!

MAN: Here you go, sir. Here's your chocolate ice cream.

Well, look who's here, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

Hiya, fellas, how about a little topping for your ice cream?

It's not fake. You don't know what you're talkin' about.

Yuck, even I think that's disgusting.

Mmm.

- Take care. - Thank you, bye.

Well, hello again.

Free trees, huh?

It might be the first thing I've seen here that isn't battered and deep fried.

How's your ongoing battle with the woodpecker?

Well, I hate to admit it, but you were right.

Took your advice, made peace with it. And it's...

It's actually been...

- not awful. - Hm.

But in another month or so, I'll be finished.

I'll sell the house and adios.

So, problem solved.

Problem solved.

So I was about to listen to Tommy's band.

They're gettin' ready to play, you wanna come?

Yeah, sounds like fun.

(♫ "OH, SUSANA" PLAYS ♫)

(LYLE GROANS)

This is what happens when you eat 29 hotdogs!

No guts, no glory!

Are you sure you can't play?

Dude, I'm just tryin' not to blow chunks.

We'll be totally lame without a drummer.

Wouldn't it be lamer to have a drummer puke all over himself on stage?

No. That's rock 'n roll.

(STOMACH GURGLES)

Sorry, guys, I really wanna play...

but my stomach's got other plans!

(♫ MUSIC CONTINUES ♫)

Well, here we go.

- We're up next. - But we don't have a drummer.

So we go on without a drummer.

Worst case scenario is...

we make total fools of ourselves. Come on.

Okay. Let's do this.

Now let's give a nice warm Pine Grove welcome to our next local act:

3 Peat.

Hi, everyone. We're 3 Peat

although, um, at the moment, our third peat...

is, um, puking up hotdogs behind the barn

so, uh, tonight, we're just 2 Peat.

Enjoy the show.

(♫ "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU" PLAYS ♫)

- Hey! - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACKS)

- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACKS) - Hey!

Uh-oh, sounding a little light on percussion.

Hm. What would MacGyver do?

(GASPS)

Perfect. Ah, that's it!

♫ ...you hold me tight ♫

♫ Tell me I'm the only one, You wanna come over tonight? ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ Keep on whispering in my ear ♫

♫ Tell me all the things that I want to hear ♫

- ♫ 'Cause it's true ♫ - WOODY & JILL: ♫ That's what I like ♫

- ♫ It's what I like about you ♫ - ♫ That's what I like ♫

WOODY: ♫ What I like about you ♫

JILL: ♫ You really know how to dance ♫

♫ When you go up down, jump around, think about true romance ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ Keep on whispering in my ear ♫

♫ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♫

- ♫ 'Cause that's true ♫ - ♫ What I like about you ♫

- ♫ It's what I like about you ♫ - WOODY & TOMMY: ♫ What I like about you ♫

- JILL: ♫ That's what I like about you ♫ - ♫ That's what I like about you ♫

- ♫ It's what I like about you ♫ - ♫ It's what I like about you ♫

(WOODY SCREAMS)

(♫ GUITAR SOLO ♫)

♫ What I like about you ♫

♫ You keep me warm at night ♫

♫ Never wanna let you go, You know you make me feel alright ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ Keep on whispering in my ear ♫

♫ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♫

- ♫ 'Cause that's true ♫ - WOODY & JILL: ♫ What I like about you ♫

- ♫ It's what I like about you ♫ - ♫ What I like about you ♫

- TOMMY: ♫ That's what I like about you ♫ - ♫ What I like about you ♫

- TOMMY: ♫ It's what I like about you ♫ - WOODY & JILL: ♫ What I like about you ♫

♫ It's what I like about you. ♫

LANCE: Way to go, Tommy! Yeah!

Oh yeah! They should call this Woodystock!

- LANCE: You guys were amazing! - JILL: Thanks.

Buddy, I knew you could play, but I didn't know you could play like that.

- I'm so proud of you. - You are? Really?

Course I am really.

What do you think, this place isn't so bad after all, is it?

Yeah, it doesn't totally bite.

It doesn't totally bite.

Hey, shouldn't we be hangin' backstage doing peanut butter shots with groupies?

- Woody! - We totally rocked it!

Oh, I'm sorry, have you met Woody?

Enchanté, Mademoiselle.

You really did find a Pileated Red-Crowned Woodpecker

and he's domesticated?

(BURPS LOUDLY)

Well, that depends on your definition of domesticated.

Uh, Woody here was our drummer.

No kidding.

Way to go, Woody.

Thanks. Always happy to help a...

friend.

Anyway, gotta go. Time to forage.

I don't know about you, I am starving.

- Are you hungry? - Yes.

I could kill a corndog.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen

the moment we've all been waiting for...

- What's goin' on? - You'll see.

Let there be light!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they stuck around.

That gives me an idea.

Well, what do you know? I'm a regular Pablo Peck-casso.

(SIGHS)

Maybe... Maybe I've been alone too long.

Just because I'm one of a kind

doesn't mean I can't be part of a family too, right?

Oh, I almost forgot to sign my name.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

What happened?

Oh no! Argh!

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! Anyone smell chicken cooking?

Yikes! It's me!

(SCREAMS)

Oh no!

Oh, what did I do?

LANCE: It's a total loss.

How does this even happen?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

FIREMAN: Well, I think we found the cause of the fire.

Looks like something was destroying the wall and hit the wiring.

Probably a small animal, mouse or a rat or a bird or something.

A bird?

Like a woodpecker?

That's possible.

- (WHIMPERS) - You!

Dad, Woody wouldn't have done this.

- It couldn't have been him. - Really?

Do you see any other psychotic animals around here?

- It was that Woodpecker! - Dad!

- All this time, he's just been... - Come on!

...lulling me into a false sense of security, waiting to strike.

He couldn't have...

It's Lance Walters. Remember me?

Of course we remember you, Mr. Walters.

How can we help you?

Uh-huh.

Look, I'm... I'm... I'm sure we can work you into our schedule.

Yeah, how about, um...?

Well, how about... How about right now?

I didn't mean to.

Accidents happen.

Mean, who amongst us hasn't burned down a house, right?

Oh, fine. I'll just go back to the way it was before, No humans.

Who needs them anyway, right?

Right?

Uh... Don't you ever have anything to say?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I had a good thing goin' with those guys.

I gotta make it up to them,

help them rebuild, for free this time, too. No food.

I could stand to lose an ounce or two.

(CRASH, WOODY SCREAMS)

Earthquake!

Huh? Whoa.

- (SHOUT NERVOUSLY) - Whoa. Whoa.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

He's all yours, boys.

(GASPS) My home!

- (ELECTIC BUZZING) - (SCREECHES)

Happy place.

(SIGHS)

Let me out of here! I wasn't read my rights!

I'm out of order? You're out of order!

You can't handle the truth!

- (WOODY GROWLS) - Stick a cork in it, you dumb bird.

Anyone out there know a good lawyer?

500 dollars. Good job and good riddance.

De nada.

Potato, French fries.

What are you doing? You can't take Woody.

Tommy, that bird burnt our house down.

- But... But I... - So long, Woodpecker.

To think I was actually starting to like you.

- Dad, they're gonna kill him. - They're not gonna kill him.

They're gonna take him out in the mountains and release him.

Yep, he'll be free as a, um...

- Free as a, uh... - A bird.

A little on the nose, Nate.

I was thinkin' more like a wild stallion.

Dad, Jill and Lyle and me found their barn.

It's filled with stuffed birds.

Taxidermists.

They're gonna kill Woody and stuff him, I know it.

- You are gonna let him go, right? - Oh, uh...

I am as, uh...

good as my word.

Yeah, I'm cool. Thanks.

(NATE CHUCKLES)

So long, kid. You were the first friend I ever had.

I'm sorry, Woody!

I will never forgive you.

Tommy, come on.

Someday you'll understand why I had to do this.

I understand.

I understand that whenever something bothers you

you get rid of it

like me and Mom.

Come on, that is not fair and you know it.

I'm surprised you didn't have us stuffed, too.

LANCE: Tommy.

Tommy!

WOODY: Yeah, you're a real tough guy when I'm all caged up!

Why don't you open this cage and we'll step outside and do this right?

How about man to bird?

(MUFFLED CRIES)

A lot of chirp and no bite.

- (GULPS) - (BANGS)

(SQUAWKS)

Hmph!

- Guys! Guys! - JILL: Check mate.

Woody's been taken. I need your help.

- What? - No way!

(LANCE SIGHS)

Woody, you weren't tryin' to burn the house down.

Oh no.

It's show time.

Gentlemen... and Lady

this here rare bird

is the Holy Grail of rare birds.

I give you... the legendary

Pileated Red-Crowned Woodpecker.

Hmph.

100 years it has been thought to be extinct.

Not only that, Nate, but everyone thought it had died out.

And I'm the one who's an endangered species?

Folks, the opportunity to add this fine taxidermy specimen

to your collections

won't ever come around again.

The bidding will start at 100,000 dollars.

Do I have any takers?

LYLE: Oh, we can't go in there. There's people in there.

Let's see if there's a back way.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

We should call the police.

They'll never believe us.

By the time they do, Woody will be dead.

NATE: (GLEEFULLY) 600,000, thank you.

670, 650, 650. Do I hear 675? 700 dollars now...

Tommy, you came for me.

That's my boy.

NATE: 750,000 dollars, 750,000, 750,000 dollars.

Do I hear 800? 825, 825. Ah, 850,000 dollars...

- How do we get him out of there? - We gotta sneak in and steal him.

They'll catch us in a sec. We have to call the police

or the National Guard.

That'll never work. We gotta lure them out.

How about we pretend we're wealthy eccentric bidders

who are willing to pay like a million dollars for Woody?

Sold...

- for a million dollars. - TOMMY: Go, go, go, go, go.

- (OTIS LAUGHS) - (LOYLE WHIMPERS)

Going somewhere?

Hey, Sam, have you seen Tommy?

No, why?

I thought the Woodpecker burnt my house down on purpose

so I hired the Grimes brothers to capture and get rid of it.

He's pretty upset with me.

- Any chance he might try and rescue it? - Yeah, maybe.

I know where the Grimes' place is. Come on.

900,000 dollars. Going twice.

Sold! To the guy in the... funny lookin' hat!

Thank you all so much for bidding.

Winner, you have our electronic transfer information.

Funds are due in...

ten minutes.

(BOTH LAUGHS WILDLY AND CHEERS)

Oh, I hope you all are comfortable in there.

If you two so much as touch a hair on my friends' heads

I'll peck you new ones, and I ain't talkin' about nostrils!

Squawk it up, bird. It's the last noise you'll ever make.

Just so you know, you're going to jail for this.

(MOCKINGLY) Ooh, just so you know...

Not if they can't catch us! And we're not stickin' around to get caught!

We just sold that little bird for close to a million dollars stuffed.

Otis and me are officially retiring to Ka-ching City.

Ka-ching City. That's in China.

- What? - Start loading the truck.

Please.

Excuse me, Mr. Poacher, sir, is that poison gluten free?

Aw, don't worry, bird.

This is just gonna be like taking a nap.

Forever.

Don't do this!

Whatever you're getting for Woody, my dad will pay double.

I thought you said your dad was broke.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, you were bluffing.

My bad.

Nate!

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Now, what?

Nate!

Otis, are you...?

Well, howdy, Mr. Walters. What can I do you for?

You got a moose problem now or...?

I was lookin' for Tommy. He was pretty upset about the whole woodpecker thing

and I... I thought he might've come up here lookin' for it.

Well, you know how kids are about animals. I'm sure he'll be fine in a couple of days.

I'll uh... I'll keep an eye out for him.

Well...

see you around.

- You guys goin' somewhere? - Uh, no.

Our, um...

(CHUCKLES) barn has a termite problem.

We're just, uh, clearin' out while we fumigate the place.

Yeah, you do not wanna breathe those chemicals.

I learned that the hard way.

Wait a minute.

- I want the woodpecker back. - You do?

- You do? - Yeah, I do.

If that's what it takes to make my son happy, it's worth it.

I'm real sorry, Mr. Walters, we... We already let him go.

- LANCE: You did? - NATE: Yeah. He's, uh...

He's probably flappin' his way to Saskatchewan by now.

Come on, Lance, let's go find Tommy.

Good luck findin' your, you know, kid.

Otis, let's stuff that bird and get the heck out of Dodge.

What are you doing?

For the past year I've been finding these wherever there's been poaching.

It has to be them.

And I bet anything they still have Woody.

Get the gun, Otis.

- It's time to wrap this up! - TOMMY: No!

- Please don't. - TOMMY: Don't do this.

Hey, don't I get a last request? Like you let me go?

- TOMMY: No, please, no, no, no, no! - WOODY: Please.

Hold it right there.

We're saved! Oh, you two are so goin' down!

What the hell!

- Dad! - You put my son in a cage?!

Well, that was disappointing.

Ow.

The sheriff's on his way.

We'll be well over the Canadian border by the time he gets here.

Otis, get me my gun.

Dad, I'm so sorry.

- I just couldn't let them kill Woody. - Tommy, this is not your fault.

If I had listened to you in the first place, we wouldn't be here.

Uh, real heartfelt moment

but can we please save the schmaltz for later?

In case you didn't notice, I'm about to get stuffed!

This time...

no interruptions.

(WHIMPERS)

Guess we could kiss the sequel goodbye.

(LANCE GRUNTS)

That cage was built to hold a bear.

(LANCE GRUNTS)

You can't escape.

(LANCE GRUNTS)

Who said anything about me gettin' out?

Huh? Hm.

- Get ready for a beat down! - Oh crud.

(NATE AND OTIS SHOUTS)

(PUNCHES AND GRUNTING)

I wonder who's gonna win. The suspense is killing me!

Take this. And some of these.

(WOODY GRUNTS)

Where do you think you're going?

(OTIS SCREAMS)

OTIS: Whoa!

Now that's what I call, takin' out the trailer trash!

Nice job, Woody.

Hey, I got your back.

Heads up!

(SIREN WAILING)

Get... Get up.

Otis! Otis!

Woody, don't let them get away!

- NATE: Come on, come on. - Woody, go get them!

I'm on it!

Stop in the name of the law!

- (WOODY GRUNTS) - Ooh.

(WOODY GRUNTS)

OTIS: Oh no. Oh no. No.

- The truck! - Keys?

Ah, the ATV!

Oh, take the logging trail across the border. Go!

(WOODY STRUGGLES) Ah, ee, uh!

(GRUNTS)

Ah! I got this.

Ah, cue the action chase music!

(♫ FAST ROCK MUSIC ♫)

Ha-ha!

I'm comin' to get you!

Argh. Whoa-oh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoa!

- OTIS: I think we lost him. - Well, come on, let's go!

OTIS: Um.. kick it! Come on!

- WOODY: Going somewhere? - Whoa. Hold on.

(CANADIAN ACCENT) Oh, hello, eh, welcome to Canada

You have anything to declare?

- Quick. Let's go back. - Get a grip.

It's just one little bird. There's two of us.

(MAKES KARATE NOISES)

Oo-ha!

Make your move, bird.

- A knife? - (CLUCKS)

(NATE LAUGHS)

I told you he was more chicken than woodpecker. Let's...

(PECKING)

NATE: Oh.

OTIS: What the heck?

(BOTH SCREAMS)

And for this week's lesson...

Gravity! Tooda-loo-hee-hoo!

(LAUGHS)

Going somewhere?

Hey ya, fellas, remember me?

- Save us. - Yeah, please lock us up.

- OTIS: Save... Save us from that bird. - NATE: Lock us up. I'm beggin' you.

I have been waiting for this day for a very long time.

That bird is crazy.

Who you calling crazy?

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

(NATE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

Now it's your turn to live in a cage. Ha!

- LANCE: So, what do you think? - TOMMY: It's pretty cool, Dad.

SAM: It's beautiful.

LANCE: If you think it's beautiful now, wait 'til it's actually built.

Good thing our insurance covered woodpecker damage.

Well, I think you're going to be very happy here.

And since it's a smaller footprint

there'll be plenty of room for the nine hole golf course.

I'm surprised you didn't want to build a shopping mall.

What an amazing idea!

- Oh, dad. The surprise. - Ooh, right.

Saved the best for last. Hey, Woody!

- Oh, Woody! - Is it food o'clock?

LANCE: Woody, I am very sorry I destroyed your home

but technically you destroyed mine first, so we're even, but...

in the interest of harmonious living, I got somethin' for you.

Ready?

(WOODY GASPS)

Whoo-hoo! I got a home again!

Wow, it's got built in appliances and granite counter tops.

Alright!

You guys are my family now,

and I never even knew I needed one.

- Aw, he's giving you love taps. - Ow! Ow! Too much love, Woody!

Woody, I got it!

- Night, Dad. - Night, Tommy.

(PECKING)

Home sweet home.

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

Don't you just love happy endings.

Hey! Whoops!

(BOTH SHOUTS, PANTS)

- BOTH: Huh? - (LAUGHS)

My bad.

Woody!

Gotta fly!

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

Boy, someone's in a hurry for the credits. See you!

(♫ "TROUBLEMAKER" BY BLAZE N VILL ♫)

Guess who!

(LAUGHS WILDLY)

PARK RANGER: Niagara Falls is one of the most scenic spots

in all the world.

The grandeur of this famous attraction brings visitors from far and near.

It is a favourite spot for honeymooners who stand and gaze at its wondrous beauty.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Niagara affects different people in different ways.

Some people are overcome by a strong urge to go over the falls in a barrel.

Of course, this foolhardy stunt is now absolutely prohibited.

And, I might add, nobody has gone over since I've been on the job.

- Nobody? - Nobody.

And I...

A barrel?!

Hey, you, going over the falls in a barrel is absolutely prohibited!

Hey, come back with my barrel.

Yikes! No, no, no, nooo!

Hooray! Hooray!

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

Well, now I need a new barrel.

Good barrel.

Good solid barrel.

Whoa.

- (GASPS) - Bring back my barrel!

You...!

Hooray! Hooray!

Come out of there, you. Crazy woodpecker!

I'll show you! Take that!

Now keep out...

and stay out!

Oh, no!

- Hooray! - Ah, shut up!

(WOLF-WHISTLES)

A barrel!

I know a barrel when I see one!

WOMAN: Yow!

Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray!

(CAR HORN HONKS)

That woodpecker!

Before we go over now, men, is there anyone here without a barrel?

Hooray! Hooray!

Oh, wh... Which way to Niagara... Falls?

(SINGS HAPPILY) ♫ Doo, doo-doo, da-dee! ♫

Mush!

♫ Doo-doo-doo-doo, da-doo, doo, da-dee! ♫

Mush!

♫ Doo, da-da-da-dee! ♫

Mush!

♫ Dee dee, diddle-diddle-diddle-doo-doo! Da-dum! ♫

PARK RANGER: Mush!

♫ Da, da-da da-dee! ♫

(CHILD CRIES)

Hush!

♫ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo-doo-dee, da-doo ♫

Mush!

♫ Dee, du-du-doo-doo! ♫

♫ Da, da, da, da, da, da-daa, da-daa! ♫

(WATER ROARING)

(SILENCE)

PARK RANGER: Now we'll see who's going over the falls in a barrel.

(WATER GUSHING)

Hooray!

(SIREN WAILS)

So, going over the falls in a barrel, eh?

I'm giving you a ticket.

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

Improved By: FidelPerez Sub Upload Date: August 13, 2018